Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Chasing the affair high by: Lonely7 7 years 5 months ago

    My Husband and I have been together for 17 years, married for almost 10.  I have always known he had ADHD (untreated) but had no clue the damage this was causing our marriage.  Like many others on here, I was feeling ignored, overwhelmed and lonely.  I work full time, and we have 2 young children and I had to take care of everything.  He is an electrician and started doing jobs for people in our community about 2 years ago.  Because of the praise and validation he receives from the people he helps, he became hyperfocused on the side jobs and spent very little time with us, his family.  Then, at the beginning of this year, my husband, who has always said he would never walk away from his family, started saying that he wasn't in love with me anymore and wanted a divorce.  About a month later I found out he was having an affair.  In total the affair lasted about 4 months.  The whole time he wavered back and forth over staying or leaving. He ended up deciding that he wanted to stay and try to see if our marriage could be saved.  That is when I found this blog and discovered that the ADHD had contributed to the majority of our marital issues.

    He was just put on 20 mg of Adderall about 2 weeks ago.  He says it helps his focus a little, but he has noticed that he gets short alot easier.  He has started seeing a therapist who specializes in ADHD.  He also is missing the high from the affair.  He says he is fighting the urges, but it is hard because he doesn't get that same high with me.  I know the physical reasons behind it, but it's still hard to hear.  

    Has anyone been through this?  If so, how were you/your partner able to overcome the urge of chasing the high?  I'm looking for any signs of hope.  I love my husband very much and know all of this is the unmanaged ADHD.  I have read Melissa's book and shared passages with him.  He acknowledges that his ADHD has been out of hand, but is not sure he can get it under control so he does not go through this again.   

     

  • "I can do it myself!" by: PoisonIvy 7 years 5 months ago

    Except when he couldn't.  Then he didn't want to do it at all.  

    Did or does anyone else have this experience with his or her partner?  Here are some examples:  1) My ex wanted to be able to fix anything that broke in the house or on a car but if he couldn't do it, he tended to be reluctant to call a service person.  2) When I asked him for his thoughts about resolving a driver's license issue for one of our daughters, he offered an answer off the top of his head and suggested not digging deeper into the issue despite my research showing that his answer was probably not correct.  He also suggested lying.  3) One time, our car got stuck in a snowbank.  Ex was driving.  A pedestrian walking nearby offered to help push us out.  I accepted the offer, which was successful.  Ex kept saying afterward, "I could have gotten us out! I could have gotten us out!"

    This type of behavior was one thing that made it difficult for us to have a marital partnership.

  • Progress Report: Breakthrough to the Next Level by: kellyj 7 years 5 months ago

    This is just a quick update on the progress of the things that have transpired of late, and again, with the same cycle. came a breakthrough that I can see.  This has been a long time to coming and it's started with me planting those seeds again and with the help of our therapist...I am beginning to see a new pattern developing.  And in respect to our therapist, I walked in feeling like something needed to happen and I was being rather forceful in my attempt to get some things through to my wife that I felt I had reached the end of my rope which my T picked up on and took over again as usual.  I had pretty much had with being muzzled and all these defence mechanisms which I now clearly see to the point, I was really getting tired of it.  Tired of getting to the same place each time and never going further.   But as I began to feel "stifled" once again by my T  * shutting me up and making me listen with no input what so ever on my part ( and since I trust him implicitly and I always know what he is doing is for "both" our good and best interest ) I saw he was trying to show me something which was why he was making me shut up.  As I heard him talk to us....what he was doing was the very thing ( I) needed...but in a way that wouldn't make my wife upset or shut down and stop listening to him.  And the key words he used was "conflict avoidant" ...which really registered with me from our earlier visits.  He said it to my wife briefly in passing that he felt she was doing this..and that was key?  I realised, what she has been doing all along, is trying to avoid conflict entirely but in order to do this...we never had reached a place where she would go any further to resolving the conflict in the first place?

    Anyway, what came out of that, was me feeling less heard than before, but with something new to think about?  What he gave us as an assignment "together" was to talk about, not what we can do...to fix this issue....but what we can "not do" to fix this issue which was exactly what I wanted..but now with a kicker?  We can only talk about "we"...instead of using (I) or ( me) or (you) in the conversation.  This was a brilliant move on his part....but not until we got home and my wife started in with her usual accusatory language and pointing the finger at me?  I realised that she was not going to change one iota...if I didn't do something different?  At great protest and with a fair amount of resistance.....I figured out a way to pin her down..and not let her move out of the "we" and back into the ( I) language again.  The "I want" language which is what she always uses?  I got so fed up with hearing everything start with (I) want...that I finally blew a gasket and got some felt pens out..and started diagramming on a mirror we have in the front room like a chalkboard.  I also realised the futility of talking when she would allow me to anything so by defaulting to what I do best?  Drawing pictures and "showing" instead.  Showing...instead of explaining...with those visual aids like I said.  It was maddening ( once again ) to come and hear...my wife's version of what our T said..compared to what I heard?  And the only thing she heard....had to do with what she wanted...period.  I finally got angry and said "how old are you?  Didn't your mamma tell you, you don't always get what you want?  What about what I want?  I want things too?  In fact, what I want...is what you don't want...and that's a problem for me!!!"  And what she doesn't want...is to talk about it again?  Nothing new there, to the point of exasperation.  Fine then....you don't want to talk?  Now you're speaking my language.  I'll show you instead...and out came the felt pens and away I went.  On a big mirror like a chalkboard..and was drawing away like there was no tomorrow.  And despite her saying...."why are you doing this?  I don't want to do this!!".........I gave her no choice.  I did it anyway,....whether she liked it or not?  But at least for her...I wasn't talking.  That was my in...to get her to "see" it....not hear it....since apparently....what she hears is missing anything to do with me?  But in my pictures....I was certainly there and there was nothing she could do to stop me from including myself....in my own drawings!!!  The utility of doing this...was short of amazing ...but it took a few days for my drawing to sink in.  She came to me this time...with some startling revelations.  They were not revelations to me....I've been saying them for as long as I could remember?  When that happened...suddenly, we took a quantum leap up to a new level...which is in essence to my T was saying....he gave me the template to use to do so?  I just visualised the template...and drew it on the mirror.

    Having gone through this myself, I finally recognised something I was familiar with.  A breakthrough and step up to the next level of awareness?  And suddenly when that happened....my wife this time, came to me and started talking about it.  What I saw and realised was...the bell of knowledge had been rung...and there's no unringing the bell....once it's be resounded fully.  That was the breakthrough...with a renewed hope for the future.  I just wanted to share.....how by myself with the help of my T.....I took what I knew and what I do best...and made that work for me?  That one, I can't tell anyone else to do....because those pictures in my head just come to me and always have.  All I have to do...is draw them and point...and go....."see what I mean?"  If she wouldn't listen and was closing her ears....the next best thing is her eyes...and now, we're talking my language.  The language of pictures so she could see?  It's what I do best....I can do that one in my sleep.  All I know...is that it worked....to sprout those seeds and get her to see.  Where there's a will....there's always a way?  And since I'm an Artist....I just took a little Artistic license...and did it my way this time.  And surprise surprise, it worked like magic.  Shazaam!!  Private Pyle. Gollllllly!!! LOL

    J

  • Negotiating cuddling and hugging in mornings by: Redhead5 7 years 5 months ago

    So I'm one of those wives who likes to hug and cuddle in the morning as part of connecting with my husband. It's hard for me to just wake up and go on my phone to do stuff or watch a show without quieter time to wake up and connect with him. I've found its what I'm drawn to in the morning because it helps me feel connected and loved, helps me get a sense of our day, get our relationship secure again as it can very up and down and opens me up to more connecting things with him. When he's okay emotionally he has enjoyed these type of mornings as well. But with his ADHD, he finds the quiet hard and not going on his phone for stimulation hard and not watching tv or going on Facebook, etc hard. I've adapted with him to have headphones on where he can listen to music or whatever but that isn't enough for him he says now. He needs something visual. But having him watch tv while I want one on one attention doesn't feel connecting to me first thing in the morning. I've also adapted to him watching with one hand on his phone but it feels like it's taking away from me still. He gets very anxious without stimulation very quickly though. I'm not sure if it's a learnt behaviour to counter his anxiety or he really needs stimulation almost the entire time he's awake. 

    Has anyone else dealt with needing stimulation like a phone almost all of their waking hours? Found ways to meet that in bed when their spouse wants one on one time without distractions? 

  • Futility? by: ArtGamer 7 years 5 months ago

    Long story short -- Married 20 years.  Lots of ups and downs.  I knew my wife had ADHD but didn't realize it was contributing to so many of our bad times, making bad things worse.  There were many problems she perceived as real but I now realize that it was a problem with her perception rather than an external situation that could be resolved.  Fighting these imaginary battles squandered our energy, youth, finances, careers, and friendships.

    In the last 9 months it has gone to extremes.  She has finally started medication, but I am reeling from the emotional turmoil.  This should be one of the best times in our life together.  Everything is good right now, yet my wife has gotten more and more unstable, which in turn destroys the stability in our home, which in turn makes it very difficult to experience what should be the happiest time of my life.

    Sites like this and a few books have helped me understand what is going on now and in the past.  Understanding is, of course, helpful.  I am doing my best to let go of the pain she has caused, especially recently when her condition became so much worse.

    I love my wife.  However, I need some things for my own happiness and well-being.  I need a certain amount of stability for a healthy lifestyle and the opportunity for happiness.  In the last few years I have become more self-aware and learned that peace in my home and personal relationships gives me the strength needed to overcome and be productive.  I simply cannot be happy without a certain amount of stability.

    The more I've learned about ADHD in the last few weeks, the less optimistic I am about our marriage, friendship, partnership.  I have needs and desires that won't be met by the random, unstable lifestyle that I'm experiencing now and have so often over the years,  I got married for the friendship, companionship, growth, and intimacy.  All of that is gone now.  It is not possible for me to have those things with someone who randomly shows up and destabilizes everything the moment she walks in the door.  I sure as blazes didn't get married to be someone's caretaker / parent and I refuse to accept that role.

    Love is simply not enough for what I consider to be a successful relationship.  We can all love people that are not right for us.

    Life and relationships require that people show up.  I understand from the books that I have to "let go" of all expectations, but that isn't going to work for me.  I cannot share life with someone that simply never shows up.  Once in a while, sure, I've lived with that, but not all the time and every day.

    What is the point of having a life with someone who isn't there?  If you can't count on someone to be there, why bother?

    Can anyone explain to me how to make this work without giving up on everything I want from a romantic partnership? 

  • Self-Absorbed Minds or adhd? I will take the adhd every time:) by: c ur self 7 years 5 months ago

    I have come to the conclusion. Self absorbed minds, are the biggest blocks in relationships (Parent/Child, Spouse to Spouse, Friend to Friend, Co-worker to Co-worker) that I've ever come across...The person who lives in a self absorbed mind, can not put their selves in another's shoes...It creates denial when it comes to their own actions. They can't take corrective criticism w/o turning angry. It is almost impossible for a self absorbed mind to have a healthy relationship of any kind...

    A self absorbed mind will tell you what they want, and what they want from you very quickly, but they will hardly ever ask you what you want** or how you feel about anything...They will usually always have conflict with some one going on...They will most always hold grudges and demand apology's with out ever having the ability to consider their own actions....They are most always victims...

    Anyone have any dealings w/ self absorbed minded people??

    C

  • Nothing I did mattered, except perhaps to make things worse by: PoisonIvy 7 years 5 months ago

    Deleted. 

     

  • Tired of losing my cool just to get him to help by: tiredmomma1 7 years 5 months ago

    Things were going well for a bit between ADHD spouse and I, but recently the demands on me and stress has increased greatly. My older son started a new med and I have had to keep close watch on his for side effects (which did happen as we raised the dosage), which meant taking him everywhere with me. He also got approved for some disability services, so I have been rushing to find therapists, habilitation and respite people to work with him, I have tons of medical receipts to submit, need to find a mental health case manager for him, and had a clerical error that was substantial with his services that I had to figure out how to get fixed.

    My younger son has a big mess with his school- found out the teacher threatened to flunk him and half the class based on a yearly assessment test, which is illegal, and that she had been picking on him half the year. It took several days to reach the administrators on his campus about this, and the highest level administrator I spoke with simply acted like he didn't know whether my son could be flunked on this basis or not. Not to mention my son has a 504 Plan for his ADHD/Autoimmune Encephalitis. With two weeks left in the school year I have been debating pulling him out of school but could get in trouble with the law, so battling on how to keep him away from this teacher because she is absolutely crazy (hormonal new Mom who hates special needs kids). 

    Then I have my own health issues and am trying to keep working while finding my younger son a new school and getting older son's schedule set up for the summer. On top of doing all parenting and housework.

    My husband was gone on purpose four nights this week, either with hanging out with friends, teaching sports classes or at the fraternity he is a part of. Despite my pleading with him to help out. He would come home late at night and do nothing, basically collapse on the couch and ignore my requests to at least get one child in bed, and start falling asleep after that. My older child started having rage episodes and things like that due to a med dosage increase, so that made for two dangerous, volitile and difficult mornings in a row, on top of younger child's school drama. By last night, I was pissed off. Ending up yelling and going off at him for quite some time because he did the ignoring me and watching TV thing instead of at least getting one child in bed. His excuse was that he should be able to watch his TV shows and it's the weekend so they can stay up all night if they want. No, not kids with chronic health issues and one with special needs. As it was, they fell asleep way past 10pm, which is too late for especially my younger child. Spouse and I also had a big fight on Thursday night where he tried to deny his younger son has ADHD symptoms (due to Autoimmune Encephalitis), does not need any help in school, and that he better not ever end up with an IEP, etc. About 10 million people have told me both my kids clearly have neurological issues, and a friend with multiple children with Autism actually thought my younger son might at some point test on the spectrum due to repetitive behaviors, attention issues, sensory issues and social problems he has had this year.

    My husband suddenly got up this morning and did laundry and cleaned the garage, took the kids out. Good thing too, because I am so burned out I am considering leaving for like a whole month. I'm just exhausted handling everything and getting no help. I guess he is trying to make it work or this is how adults with ADHD respond in a sheer panic.

  • So much anger towards ADHD partner by: LRHG 7 years 5 months ago

    I've been with my partner for 7 years.   He has ADHD, I do not.   It has caused its trials and tribulations including seriuos sex addiction.   He lost his job last August and his unemployment runs out next month.   He did get a good paying job for the summer but it is dependent upon hot weather and it has been very rainy so , so far he is not employed.   This is causing great concerns about money because his savings is limited , partly because of bad investments but also because just not thinking about saving money.   I am so angry and am really lashing out.   Can anyone give me advice on how to control this.   I feel everything I value and have worked for is going up in smoke.   There is so much more going on than this job, but this is the latest.

  • Hello, I'm new here! Also on fidget spinners... by: smd1409 7 years 5 months ago

    I'm the ADHD husband in a family and recently found myself relating very strongly to ADHD the same way every other person in these posts does, and if you've read about people with ADHD, they may work as though their symptoms are non-existent in some things but in most things in their life it is largely obvious. So for me, where my symptoms are very hard to detect or much more subtle is in my love for psychology. Specifically, understanding how I act and how others act and why. Also on how to overcome or alter any undesirable habits or actions that I notice from these. I mean sure I could use it on manipulating others but I hate doing so with a passion. I do compliment these with independent study from different sources and evidence-based research, even as far as reading graduate books despite never learning at a graduate or even college level.  That, God willing, makes me very useful in explaining what people with ADHD go through and what helps us and what doesn't in a very precise manner. So I'll post anything I can think of which comes to me in my life and maybe you might find that it can be applied to your life.

    So, fidget spinners...

    The first thing strategy I used in order to check whether I had ADHD or not. Before that it was a lot of comparing people's stories and multiple upon multiple droves of different ADHD online diagnostics, random pages telling me the signs that show you do have ADHD and the signs that show that you don't, and ADHD professionals on what it is, a lot of denying and proving myself wrong... anyhow, it's dramatic success is what lead me to look at other ADHD strategies and books which have shown to finally be successful with what feels to be large jumps in progress (after a lifetime of failures and little progress).

    So as a very quick summary, fidget spinners feel as though they occupy the part of my mind that deals with distractions (in case this helps you to think of other ways to use it other than the ones I'll state).

    Now the long story.

    1. Things that I always left to the last second I would start to see me doing instantly. As a Muslim, I have to pray within certain times every day and I would always do it last second despite for years and years having the intention to pray right at the very beginning of their times. It stopped once I started using the fidget spinner.
    2. Struggled to use the toilet. Yes. That really happens. I would feel like using the toilet but couldn't be bothered until the last possible second. Stopped too.
    3. Needed to go to the next room from the bedroom to get something? I would regularly find myself going across the home for some strange reason and spending half an hour there before realising what it was I was supposed to do. Stopped too.
    4. Needed to brush my teeth every night but kept thinking I could do it once I was really sleepy but never happened? Stopped too.
    5. Car that took months to get around to washing and I still didn't? Did it the moment I felt like it. I felt like it, didn't want to do it though because I could see the amount of time and effort and complications that could happen, so I would procrastinate and told my wife if you want me to do it now then get my fidget spinner. Just learn to find the times I needed it and use it against me already. Did it straight away.
    6. 40 minute showers because of my distractions? Reduced to about 10.
    7. Said I'd do something, anything straight away but kept getting distracted until I forgot completely (with repeating cycles of remembering, distracted and then forgetting anyone?) That ended too.
    8. I have random mood swings where I feel sad for no absolute reason or angry over the smallest things or super super hyperactive to an annoying point. It even helps with these.

    These are just some of the things it's helped me with. I've been testing it out on all sorts of things and trying to figure out why it works and when. These are some of the things I've figured out.

    • It feels as though it occupies a part of my mind, the same part which has all my distractions. I will still get distracted by tings but by the moment they come up I can get back on track to what I was supposed to be doing. It stops me from getting distracted, not from forgetting.
    • I need a goal. If I don't have a goal, then the remaining part of my mind which isn't occupied by the spinner will be distracted by random things.
    • I can't be focused already. If I am trying to read a book and I keep getting distracted, spinning it while reading will help me focus. If I am already getting into a book, then it gets on my nerves. Likewise if I am in a group of people talking and my mind can't drown out the noise and I use a fidget spinner, the spinner drives me crazy. It's like my mind is trying to calm itself because of all the external stimulation and that spinner is adding to the list.
    • I'll know that I need to use it but I'll keep forgetting to, or I know that if I use it, I'll do it and I don't want to do it at the time so my body tries to vehemently resist using it (I want to do those things I hate because it's necessary, I really do, but my mind hates it so much at the time and will unconsciously try everything in its power to resist, so far as to even make me feel sleepy or make it seem as though my body can't move just over something so small). Getting my wife to take advantage of it is important. It's completely unfair to be aware of how much it helps and know my symptoms but to not use it to help me and expecting me to use it regularly, thinking it's my problem, because to begin with I can't help my symptoms for what they are. When she tells em to use it, It's not useful to tell me to use it directly while being annoyed, that'll just cause me to say no in defiance. Gently just asking 'do you think it's time for your spinner' helps tremendously.
    • It helps with mood swings but once again, I'll keep forgetting to use it. And my mood swings can last for minutes to hours. I need an extra source of calming myself because let's be honest about this- neither my wife nor I can sustain attention on a spinner (or have the convenience to) in order to start it again or remind me to for an entire hour or 2. I found visiting the mosque helps take away my mood swings so that's an alternative, it's usually a very calm atmosphere with calm surroundings and large empty spaces. Maybe another similar environment might help for someone else. I think in the past climbing a tree helped but I'm not sure about that.
    • I need to be the one to spin it for it to be most effective. If my wife spins it in front of me it takes a few moments to sink in and those moments can be important. Also it needs to be I my field of view when I use it. I don't need to be staring at it, it just needs to be in the corner of my eye for example. That or I can feel it spinning on my hand/hear it spinning.
    • It needs to be used with other ADHD tactics because it only helps me focus. It does not stop me from forgetting or being disorganised etc.

    Hope this helps.

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