Unfortunately, the same cycle has come around but I now have a different perspective entirely.  My wife, as I have become almost use to by now, has said she is leaving again.  This has happened so many times before, that those words means next to nothing to me?  This time however, I actually said "Okay, if that is what you decided to do, there is nothing I can do to stop you"  That was in effect, me agreeing with her decision and now I am brought into it "as if"....I want this too.  In fact, it's now come full circle back around where I'm the one who wants her to leave?  I guess, allowing her to leave, or giving her permission like that, automatically includes me in the decision...as "if" I'm the one saying it?  That to me, just speaks to co-dependence and not being able to make a decision like that by herself?  In the past, I always said I didn't want her to, and that is not what I want?  It's not what I want, but what I can live with, is the abuse that follows suit?  The abuse comes in the form of then validating herself and trying to make her feel better about ( her decision ) and then fault and blame with me ( and dredging up anything and everything ) as a means to throw at me...and in essence "make me that person that she can't stand to be with".  I am, and have been to this very day, just me and who I am and I have changed very little in what I have done or not done to date?  I think, what she has done, was tried to create some image of what she wanted..and saw that all along.  When I was playing my part or role she created for me....she would lash out in anger...for not being that for her?  She has no recollection of this ( other person ) she becomes...and has no idea that what she is doing is actually a really messed up thing to do?  Flipping in essence...from the poor me and wallowing in despair and pain....to viciously attacking me...for not being what she needs?  This is nothing knew in that aspect, but the recent event of her coming home drunk....and giving me a 2 hour none stop down load of everything she hates about me....has left it's mark and there is no way to see past that anymore?  That person, and those comments...are real, and there is no denying that?  Even if I see the good person who she is, and even if she is not saying it or showing it....deep down, there is contempt, outrage and anger...that comes through whether she can see it or not?  I haven't been the same since that afternoon she came home and did that...and of course, she can't remember doing it, that besides the point?  If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to see it or hear it fall....does it still make a sound?  And the answer for me is...yes.  There is no un-ringing the bell, once it's been rung.  That was my answer, but yet I was still not going to act on it, and use that against her as being the one and only thing that has caused this change in me.  I cannot....not feel the pain and hurt and my broken heart...and that is what she will never know...because she has absolutely no concept of what she's done?  And the fact of the matter is....I 'm tired of putting my heart out to her and exposing it and becoming vulnerable....and then for her to suddenly ( change ) into Mini Me again?  I have to live with both Mini Me...and my wonderful beautiful wife....but at that point, if I have to have the abusive , explosive Mini Me 1/2 of the time and deal with that person....then the other 1/2 of the time...have this wonderful caring person...then at best it's a wash....but not without the side of effect of a broken heart each time it happens.  I can't live with that since that is abuse.  It's the only thing I've asked of her, and she simply can't do it?  If I react or protest or even become angry....she will flip back to the other person..and now I'm the abuser or the abusive one which is literally insane?  I cannot live, with that kind of insanity which for no other reason...is hurting me in the end?  Even if, I can let go of that in the moment or even for a little while.....I now know for sure...it will happen again...when I do not play my part or role....of being a caregiver, an enabler, and just a shoulder to cry on?  It would be one thing....to be that in a time of need....but not on a daily basis..and not all the time?

Her brother stopped in for a day or two while on his way to visit his extended family...and this time  I watched how my wife would suddenly change?  What my wife became, was exactly what she wants?  A person who will only validate her, only have sympathy for her, and allow her ( or her brother ) to wallow in the pit of despair and stay in a permanent role of enabling the other persons malfunction...unconditionally?  In respect to what Love is, to her brother and my wife....Love and compassion means...sympathy and enabling and never speaking one word or showing that anything they do is wrong?  The worst thing you could possibly do...is to point out that they are wrong..or they have done something to hurt you...which would of course...make them feel guilt?  Guilt apparently...is completely off limits, which goes right back to what my T has always said about " a person who refuses to take responsibility"  When you are a victim....someone is always doing something to hurt you?  They themselves can see no wrong doing on their part?  The part that belongs to them, and that they are responsible for?  While I can have compassion for my wife and her brother, and the horrible things that I have heard in respect to their childhood? I really don't think they can see what was really wrong...and the one person who is really to blame or at fault...is their own mother in this case?  She was the adult, who is suppose to know better...they have no concept of just how bad that really was?  That fact that my wife will defend and rally for her mother.....and still maintains that her mother really Loved her.....just shows me even more, that she has no idea what Love really is?  The saddest thing of all, is that any real sings of Love and real honest to God caring...just goes right over her head...since that is not what she needs or is looking for?  The fact is....she is entitled to have what she needs..and if I can't give it to her...it's not my place to say otherwise?  If I have to become, something I'm not...to give her what she needs in only one way, which is to become an enabler, a vicitm and sympathizer only.....there is no Love there for me...since I need real Love instead?  Not a bastardized facsimile...that is not even real?  I definitely, cannot hold up our relationship and play both roles and still...at the end of the day....I get very little back ( if anything ) and I am only hurting myself if I continue to do that?  There is no gratitude, thankfulness or appreciation for life or what she does have....all she can see is the glass half empty...while in the meantime..I see the glass as half full which only leaves on option?  To adopt that kind of negative thinking and become a pessimist who has no ability to trust, and is negative all of the time?  Even if I am immune to her negativity....that leaves me with knowing...and holding and empty glass in my hand?  That is no way to live..and be a happy and fulfilled person?  Simply not saying "don't go"...and in just "agreeing" with her that if she is gone, then what's the point?  Was really clearly what she was wanting since she could not do that or say that without some input from me?  Every time in the past....the many many times she has does this....i always said....I don't really want to you go.....but this time....all I had to say was....well, I guess that's it?  It not my decision or wasn't mine to  begin with.  But living with someone who is 9 /10ths of the way out the door at all times..and is right on the edge of leaving...means, what I get is 1/10th of a relationship...and 1/10th of a person and what little comes with it?

My T was ( as usual ) absolutely right....a dismissive /  avoidant person is 9 out of 10 times...always the one who leaves?  I just never realized how little was there aside from in physical form...which is not much when you think about it...with the cherry on top...no Love in sight?  I really believe that none of what she has ever done...was with intention or malice ir even in conscious act to manipulate me all?  But the constant and consistent pattern that remains...is one...who is always 10 steps out the door, closed off, hold up and shunted as a person?  I see her as a shell, or specter of what she could be that's for sure....but no one can make someone do anything they don't want...and my wife has made it clear what she wants and what she doesn't want...and the truth....is what she does not want in fact...what she wants...is someone to patronized her, take pity and sympathy on her...and allow her to remain a victim and wallow in that pit of despair?  I do feel sorry for her...as I do for myself...only in that when you find someone who you can trust and that you Love you only want to give to them that in return? But if that is not what they want..and they reject that and throw it back in your face...in service of something else?  Where is the Love...and what are you really having a relationship with?  Not a who in this case.....but what?  If the currency is only sympathy only...then where is the Love?  Sympathy...is not Love.  That much I do know without a doubt in my mind.  It very hard to Love someone, when all  they want is sympathy?  And in her case, she has a job...which that is exactly what she is for her clients....the only problem is when she comes home....is that is what she wants from me now in return? She does know how to give that which was very clear to me when her brother stopped by...and when they get together...they literally form one whole person or two equal halves...instead of two people, who have each other....not for each other...but have each other and share as one flesh...by two complete whole individuals?  That's what I want....but that will never happen.  I cannot be support for 1/2 a person...while in the mean times...her alter ego or evil twin. ( Mini Me ) is attacking me for not holding her up enough...as if that's my job?  A marriage is not a "job" or "duty"....it's not suppose to only have one side to it...and it's not suppose to take from you only without the give and take part both, and give nothing in return.  I'm not angry or even resentful....I'm just sad, hurt and disappointed. You cannot live on hope and prayer...and give to yourself only.  I can still Love her enough, to see the goodness in her?  I just wished I got some of that goodness she has locked up so tight, that she guards that with her life as if she will run out if she gives it away? I need to have that, without the unresolved pain and suffering at the hands of someone who is not me?  I'm not responsible for that what so ever, but subconsciously or not...my wife believes or thinks I am?  Who ever she thinks I really am....is unknown to me, and I have no idea...who that person really is?  Not me....that 3rd person...I am in her minds eye....suppose to be?  That is an impossible expectation, with not a shred of logic, anywhere in sight?  It literally, makes no sense to me, what so ever even if I can understand it on that level of understanding?  And if she can't tell me what she wants and can't say what she really feels...then that is living  a lie....and living in a fantasy world, not the world where I exist.  The is a world of illusion, that doesn't even exist.


J

I  have been with my boyfriend for 18 yrs we have son 14 I knew for years my boyfriend had trust issues his previous wife cheated on him with his friend.  Which was nd still isiss  always being accused of doing something that I didn't do say cheating on him or whatever I never have then he say why you getting so defensive which made him think due to guilt no it s due too innonencee   constantly trying to defend myself the issue would resolve only when he was done with it angry person name calling short tempered outbursts and always wondering if you got his back and am  I loyal. He only mean to my self ad his mother. I never do anything for him.  No need to go into that BS he was just recently diagnosed at the age of 50 with ADHD  his issues stem upbringing due to stepfather not nice and mom taking dads side.  He even more a jerk (sorry)I'll do what I want and don't tell me what to do we haven't lived together iin 13 yrs last night was being accused of having a second phone line not the first time being accused of it and am doing conferencing calls so he would sometimes call me with a no caller ID trying to trick me and if I answered why did I answer  either of us being technical people so then I spent hours upon hours trying to prove to him that I did not have the second line and once again after all these 18 years never cheated it always comes back that I'm the one that starts an argument he does not communicate any time I try to express my feelings not now I give them a headache he's too tired but yet there have been times when he wants to talk about an issue that he blew out of proportion he showed up my house for o'clock in the morning and I live with my mother who is in her 80s and the issue he has is usually something that's not true and is trying to convince me of things that I said when I know I didn't so I usually agree with him to calm the situation so supposed to start this medicationand just started talk therapy so hopefully they'll get to relationships he's not nice to his mother either we are triggers he has three adult children if one of them were to say same thing to him  he would get tearful  because they care      if you get a chance listen to and check out the lyrics to Lincoln Park new song heavy it's a good song    

I feel I am at a loss for words with my boyfriend and I need some insight into how ADHD may be affecting my relationship. 

Almost a year ago I began dating my boyfriend exclusively. We had been friends for a couple of years prior and I would question his promptness to events and even questioned if I felt I would be able to be in a relationship with someone who is always late. He was so sweet and genuine and I believed he adored me so dealing with his chronic lateness seemed worth it to me. 

After doing research I believe that when we started dating he was hyper focusing on me and our relationship. It was GREAT! He was so attentive to me and constantly wanted to be around me. That only lasted for about a month and a half until we started having problems. 

He often times does things to people that are disrespectful yet I can tell those are not his intentions. He just doesn't seem to understand how some of his actions are rude. 

We are now about 11 months into our relationship and I am at my wits end. I care about him so much but he tells me every few days when a SIMPLE issue comes up how he feels he is "forcing" himself to be in a relationship with me. Yet, we will spend time together over the weekend and everything seems perfect between us. But when he is angry he says things that seem out of character to me. He gets EXTREMELY angry when he is trying to focus on something for work and I am "in the way". He says now he just wants to be alone and he's "exhausted" with all our fighting. He will never admit to doing anything wrong and most recently he pushed a business partner and mutual friend so far with his unreliability that she does not want anything to do with him anymore. To him this is everyone else's fault but his own and he refuses to seek help when he was the first person to mention to me that he thought he had ADD. 

I'm wondering if this type of behavior is normal for a person dealing with untreated ADD. He constantly tells me that I'm the problem because I "cannot accept that he doesn't want to be with me", yet we are still technically together and when things are fine between us there does not seem to be reason to break up. 

I used to love the idea of our anniversary. It was exciting. I was talking it up months before and sometimes couldn't wait until that day to give it to him. This is when I was co-dependent (I am a recovering co-dependent) and when I felt that by me being the perfect wife, everything would be ok. I bought him gifts very often, anytime I saw something he would love. Fast forward. He is not a gift giver. So I have stopped giving him gifts and saved the money for what I want or need. That gets disappointing when you are the only one that puts your all into something. He says I am the most important person in the world to him. I can't call him a liar. I just know how I feel, lonely and neglected and I know he doesn't do it on purpose. 

I don’t want to tell him not to buy a gift since that may be hurtful. I don't even know what to get him. He has everything. He asked what I wanted to do this year and I said we can just eat out. A few days later I told him eating out is not special anymore since we go out all the time and he agreed. I mentioned a painting class and he said “set it up” but I don’t want to hear him brag about being an artist throughout the class.

I owe HIM $200 since he put OUR venetian blinds for our new home on his Home Depot card and then asked me when I could pay him back. Unreal. So a gift for someone that can't even "splurge" and pay for something for your home is ridiculous to me. Just that alone turns me off a bit. 

It’s hard to buy something for someone who doesn’t even think about you on the water ice line even though they know you love water ice, the lemon flavor. It’s hard to celebrate an anniversary with someone that doesn’t make you feel loved although he says you are the most important person in his world yet he doesn’t see me off to work since he wants to sleep in (he doesn't work during the week), pray with me at night or talk to me during the day. I initiate a text message with “happy Monday, have a nice day” and then perhaps something I need from the store and he responds in a few words like "will do". So strange. After all these years and the tears and explanation for my unhappiness, he still is the same and can't love me the way I want to be loved for whatever reason. So instead of being further disappointed I have just stopped doing it all, stopped being a gift-giver, and he seems awesome with it instead of me rubbing off on him, he has rubbed off on me or just stolen my joy of giving as a wife. 

I wish he acted this way before we started dating. So different than the love-bomber he was. But, it is what it is. I will buy him a gift just as I would a friend and I will return it if he doesn’t get me one. I will not be offended since there is not much to be happy about these days in our marriage. It is not a normal marriage with normal stresses an problems. 

I have learned to accept the reality I just wish we didn't have to celebrate this day anymore. He is not evil- just not marriage material not just for me but for anyone and he knows it.