I have been married 20 years to my ADHD husband and I had no idea our struggles were due to ADHD! I just thought he was selfish and inattentive.. I just didn't know enough to know they were different types... I recognize us in every single ADHD section of the book... I went through all emotions reading the book, but mostly relived since I have dealt with constant scrutiny that there is something wrong with me and was considering taking anxiety medication in order to stay married.... Sure I have turned into that nagging, untrusting wife .. always reminding and following up on every aspect of our life, kids, finances etc because 80% of the time they doesn't get done unless I do them myself. I'm not exaggerating when I say It takes at least 7 reminders for him to get anything that needs to get done.. so I have learnt not to rely on him and just handle them.

My husband does not think this is ADHD and he thinks every marriage has the same issues..  procrastination.. money issues, attention issues, fighting about chores, and taking care of everything for the kids etc.. He thinks I'm just too efficient and type A and he is a relaxed guy and that is all there is.. He does admit he had a lot of troubles focusing in school and does hyper focus on some things (playing video games, watching Netflix, etc till 2 am when he needs to be at work the next day ..but he thinks this is how everyone else lives and I need to relax..

My 16 year old son was just diagnosed with ADHD and while I was filling out the questionnaires for him I realized my husband has every sign symptom listed to the highest degree and I picked up this book to read which reaffirmed everything we have been going through..

So my question is.. do you think most marriage struggles with what is the book regardless of a partner having ADHD?

Sara.

So, some background.  DH and I have been together for 20 years.  Married for almost 14 of that.  For all of our relationship we have worked opposite shifts because, well that's just how the jobs go.  Which was fine. After we got married we tried for almost 5 years to have children.  Nothing worked except IVF.  5 children later (4 living as we had a daughter who passed) we are done with kids and love watching them grow.  We still work opposite shifts however.  That's the way seniority goes.  I work days M-F and he works overnights Friday through Tuesday.  Wed and Thursdays are his days off and it sucks for getting together with friends and family.  It is what it is.  The pay is good, health and retirement benefits are top notch!  DH is home to get the older 2 off the bus every day which helps with daycare/babysitter costs!  Not to mention they get some time with DH before I and the younger 2 come home for the day.  Which is a positive and anyone who has multiple kids can agree I'm sure! 

All of that being said, DH was diagnosed with ADHD around 20 years old.  Instead of medication, he would "self medicate" to sleep at night by drinking.  A lot.  When we started dating that really changed because I'm not a drinker and well, it sucks to drink alone.  Couple years into dating and a case of beer would last 3 months.  If not longer. 

3 years ago he took a new job (Yup, still overnight but this gives him the stability, better pay etc which I mentioned above).  It's management and it's railroad.  Anyone who knows anything about the railroad knows the mentality is worse than truckers.  Between language to "You need to do" mentality.  I have a friend who's husband is a police officer and (same hours) many a times she has to tell him he's not "Cop John" when he comes home.  It's the "rough around the edges" or "foot in mouth disease".  issues LOL. 

With the ADHD and now having children that can be impacted by his "Foot in Mouth" or "Lack of having ANY tact" when he speaks it's harder for me to deal with.  When it was just the 2 of us, that was one thing.  There are many times I have to remind him that they are children, not adults and I'm his wife not a railroader.  He understands and feels bad, but man oh man!  Let me be clear, he simply speaks before thinking (tact) he's not a jerk although others who do not understand him think he is.  He is a great dad, and the kids (8,7 and 4) give him hugs and kisses at night, before they leave for school (yes, even the 8 year old!) we say I Love you to the kids all the time.  He will read them bedtime stories, and is happy that even though he works overnights he can be there every night for kids' functions. 

What's really hard about the foot in mouth (not sure what else to call it) is no one seems to understand him like I do.  I feel like I'm constantly defending him to others.  My mother can't stand talking to him because she says he's rude, and she doesn't like "how" he speaks to me and the kids.  Again, if I explain the ADHD and lack of being able to formulate a decent thought prior to speaking it at times I get the "don't make excuses for him" comment.  I will admit, he is strict with the kids.  Sometimes more strict that I would like.  He has, what I call, the dad tone.  "You need to sit on your butt at the table" "You want something, you ask you don't just go grabbing for it" He will be playing with the kids on the floor and sometimes it gets to be enough where the kids will cry but he keeps on.  I have to tell him enough, let up.  He's not hurting them by any means, but you can only be tickled so much.  A month ago he spanked one of our kids once for acting up.  I let him know I was not happy with that and it was completely uncalled for.  He has never done that to our kids before.  Then yesterday he was very frustrated.  None of the kids were listening, and running around like kids in a candy store on a sugar rush.  I could hear him on the phone telling them to calm down, they need to sit and wait for me (I was coming to pick everyone up for swimming lessons).  Several times he asked them to calm down.  One of the kids even said "I can run around the outside of the house to burn off some energy".  When I got there, they were all getting in and one went to budge infront of his siblings.  Like kids do.  He told that child not to do that.   3 different times.  Still, no listening so he grabbed the ear and said "these things are for listening".  Our son said it hurt and cried.  DH was like "I didn't grab it that hard".  The look I gave him he knew....I told him he doesn't need to go to that extreme and he was like "If you only knew how these kids have been the last 2 hours".  Um, yeah.  I know.  While you are sleeping on the weekends I'm alone with them all day.  I know how they are.  There are times he will make comments and think he's funny too.  He told my mom a couple of months ago "I know what it's like to be old like you now".  It's like Ummmm What?  I even had to look at him and be like "hu?!?"  He explained how he has started playing racquetball again and found he's not in as good of shape as he had hoped.  Hence feeling like he's in his 60's.  My mom told him that she could run circles around him and he said "Oh I don't doubt that one bit, I just feel like I'm in my 60's after I play not my 40's".  Which is much better than saying "I know what it's like to be old like you now".  Stupid.  Several weeks ago I set something down on our antique kitchen table and our dog (whom we had to put down for cancer) had a massive bloody nose.  I forgot the item I set down and it took a tiny part of the finish off.  He flipped (loves his antiques).  Later in the day I told him that you know what...it's a table.  Yes, I get that  you love the table and it's been in your family for 100 years, but it's a table nonetheless.  It wasn't on purpose and you had no right to speak to me the way you did.  He started to comment and then said "I'm not getting into this now" and we haven't spoken about it since. 

Yet, one more example of his tact.  He sent, on social media, a cartoon of neighbors being nosey to our one neighbor.  A retired, but very spunky couple.  They didn't understand the meaning of the cartoon and asked him to explain.  He said "not you, the other woman".  To which he meant me, and said I hope that's not us.  She wouldn't answer or return any of his calls after that to attempt to explain.  He meant we are over at their house a lot during the summer and he hopes that we are not being nosey.  She took it as they are nosey and she said to me that she cannot believe I am married to someone who is so demoralizing like that.  He did apologize in person to her and said that it was not meant in a negative way at all.  That I do bring the kids over a lot during the summer and hang out with them quite a bit (they have a pool too) and he hopes that we aren't overstaying our welcome.  She said it will be a cold day in hell before she invites us back over.  Gee, thanks for that DH.

I do think some of tact is the job (he has to be a straight shooter.  Ever talked to a cop, railroader, or trucker).  The overnight hours, and his personality.  I have brought this up to him before and he feels some of the strict kid part is because I'm not so he has to make up for both (TBH, the kids don't really listen to me lol.  I have to ask several times for something to get done).  Our ex sister in law (divorced from his brother and we still hang out with her) said of all her friends she feels we have one of the best relationships she's ever seen.  I mean, is some of this just typical parenting that happens (I've been reading on that too and a lot of it points to yes) or is his ADHD causing some of this?  I'm curious to your thoughts.  Thanks.

What does your ADHD spouse consider a "fun" activity that you do together? My husband has always like going to the movies, I don't. I don't like it because to me, we aren't interacting with each other in any way. We are just sitting there in the dark staring at a really big television screen, and then going home. We haven't talked, interacted, shared anything, played together.......nothing. To me, it's the same as staying home watching television. But, he doesn't like doing anything ELSE. I like bowling, going to museums, or art shows, going to concerts, seeing interesting things in any town we are in,, going to a lake or park, and tons of things, even going to an arcade. But, if I suggest these things, he groans, and says, "Why don't we go to the movies?"  To me this DOESN'T help a married couple ENGAGE with each other at all. Does anyone else deal with this one? Since trying to fix ADHD affected marriages, part of it, is to DO THINGS TOGETHER where we can "engage' WITH each other. Any thoughts, anyone? Or, is this another one of those, "Live your lives separate kind of things?" How can a couple re-engage, if you can't DO fun things TOGETHER?

I have to admit I am a bit shocked. My husband actually stepped up when our oldest child was in crisis mode for a bit.

Our oldest son, who has ASD and an autoimmune brain went into a rage the other morning and kicked a hole in our kitchen pantry door, among other things. I had to get him out of the house because my husband was fuming mad, and they will even get in one another's faces, yelling at each other.  This is what it is like when our son has his autoimmune attacks, he gets defiant, raging, breaks property, curses people out, etc. He was on ibuprofen the whole rest of the day as well as natural anti inflammatories. Apparently he got himself in trouble for cussing on the school bus, coming home, talked back rudely to a bus monitor who addressed his bad language, and was told he would have to sit alone on the back of the bus for the rest of the year. Later in the afternoon my son and I discussed this and I tried to come up with some solutions he could try, like apologizing and asking if he could earn back sitting next to his friend if he had perfect behavior for two weeks (he would ask this of the bus monitor), and explaining it wasn't okay that he (my son) lost his temper. My son refused and was threatening to take a weapon on the bus.  I called my husband, said it is high time to get him hospitalized or something before he hurts someone or gets himself locked up in jail. I was actually calling hospitals at this point (psych) but non had open beds, and our child has a Long term care evaluation tomorrow we cannot miss- he gets no supports and long term care will pay for hospitalizations that he might need, if he can ever managed to get approved. He is supposed to be at this appointment no matter what- it is a medical evaluation. My husband actually stepped up and called a whole list of psychiatrists to try to get my son an appt, even finding some that specialize in psychosis. He even finally let me lock up all the knives in the house- he loves cooking and before did not want to be inconvenienced by having to go to a seperate location to get a knife for cooking. I was shocked. Then yesterday he made dinner. Eventually with a third dose of ibuprofen and and a few other natural anti inflammatories our son calmed down the rest of the afternoon.

This morning was hells bells. I was in the shower when I heard the yelling. He had this "contest" with our younger son to see who can get dressed first, because child is a slow mover in the morning and he was taking him to school this morning. Apparently my son hid his tie while he was in the bathroom- either that our hubby misplaced it. He was fuming mad, going nuts over the fact it is his lucky tie and he has to close a loan today and needs that lucky tie. Meanwhile, my older son I have to take is refusing to go to school, younger son is insisting he didn't hide the tie and doesn't know where it is at, and despite having 50 plus other ties in his closet, husband needs to wear that one and he needs it NOW. Which is making everyone late for school and work.  Younger son gets afraid and begs me to take him to school but I can't. Their schools are far apart- one in elementary the other in JR. High, and I have to be at work in 1/2 hr. Before I managed to slip out the door my husband was ranting about how our bedroom is a mess because I have books and piles of files on the floor on my side of the room (I have been stressed out organizing all school records, incident reports and medical records, even medical bills from son's surgery to have them together and photocopied for Long Term care.  I am terrified they will decline him and we are at the end of the rope with this situation- no suport anywhere, going broke paying for all he needs and everyone else's healthcare.  I DON'T know what I will do if we cannot ever get him any help or supports, so I have been trying to make sure I have everything the state lady could ever need when she visits).  But he is upset because of this and that I was too exhausted to do the dishes last night- they will get done today before the state lady comes for the eval, but that's not good enough. I somehow coerced older son into the car, grabbing him a yogurt, all his school items and got him to school. 

So we are back to square one with hubby hardly being able to handle anything anymore regarding kids, acting like a child and tantruming when he doesn't get his way, and even when I am up with a back against my wall hitting crucial deadlines for our special needs child- expecting me to have everything perfect and never be tired, break down or anything.  Truthfully, I am hitting full burn out mode but I don't know what to do. It's sad we have back-peddled after he finally had a breakthrough and decided to even do a small thing to help his family. For those who are wondering, I will be following up with the school on oldest child's threats and if he is still in dire straights after the eval we go straight to the ER to hopefully get him hospitalized from there. He's been under close supervision for the last 24 hrs and will continue to be.