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  • Emapth. A possible explaination? by: kellyj 7 years 6 months ago

     

     

    I ran across something that really resonated with me?  This is one of those things I have no explanation for, but I recognized this very strongly as I went down the list that I discovered?  One of those things you know already...just like when I first read about ADHD and went....wow, I think I'm on to something.  Has anyone heard of such a thing being associated with ADHD?  Really, the only one that really stood out as opposite was 28 but for the opposite reason?  I am drawn to antiques because of that energy attraction.  Almost a sense of immediate "continuity" and energy flow, rather than anything I can say I shy away from?  It's the continuity from the past to the present, that creates the flow in the first place.  I can sense the energy from the past person or owner say....especially in the tools I use for work?  Drawing from it instead of taking away?  Very much to do with objects in a strange but positive way?  I'm really curious now, what this all means?  It seems like this energy or ability to use it, has not been channeled and I might make better use of it if I knew how?  Any thoughts on the matter?  I know it's kind of strange?  It's that thing where you know things, without actually knowing how?
     

    What is an empath?

    Being an empath is when you are affected by other people’s energies, and have an innate ability to intuitively feel and perceive others.  Your life is unconsciously influenced by others’ desires, wishes, thoughts, and moods.  Being an empath is much more than being highly sensitive and it’s not just limited to emotions.  Empaths can perceive physical sensitivities and spiritual urges, as well as just knowing the motivations and intentions of other people.  You either are an empath or you aren’t.  It’s not a trait that is learned.  You are always open, so to speak, to process other people’s feelings and energy, which means that you really feel, and in many cases take on the emotions of others.  Many empaths experience things like chronic fatigue, environmental sensitivities, or unexplained aches and pains daily.  These are all things that are more likely to be contributed to outside influences and not so much yourself at all.  Essentially you are walking around in this world with all of the accumulated karma, emotions, and energy from others.

    Empaths are often quiet achievers. They can take a while to handle a compliment for they’re more inclined to point out another’s positive attributes. They are highly expressive in all areas of emotional connection, and talk openly, and, at times quite frankly. They may have few problems talking about their feelings if another cares to listen (regardless of how much they listen to others).

    However, they can be the exact opposite: reclusive and apparently unresponsive at the best of times. They may even appear ignorant. Some are very good at “blocking out” others and that’s not always a bad thing, at least for the learning empath struggling with a barrage of emotions from others, as well as their own feelings.

    Empaths have a tendency to openly feel what is outside of them more so than what is inside of them. This can cause empaths to ignore their own needs. In general an empath is non-violent, non-aggressive and leans more towards being the peacemaker. Any area filled with disharmony creates an uncomfortable feeling in an empath. If they find themselves in the middle of a confrontation, they will endeavor to settle the situation as quickly as possible, if not avoid it all together. If any harsh words are expressed in defending themselves, they will likely resent their lack of self-control, and have a preference to peacefully resolve the problem quickly.

    Empaths are more inclined to pick up another’s feelings and project it back without realizing its origin in the first place. Talking things out is a major factor in releasing emotions in the learning empath. Empaths can develop an even stronger degree of understanding so that they can find peace in most situations. The downside is that empaths may bottle up emotions and build barriers sky-high so as to not let others know of their innermost thoughts and/or feelings. This withholding of emotional expression can be a direct result of a traumatic experience, an expressionless upbringing, or simply being told as a child, “Children are meant to be seen and not heard!”

    Without a doubt, this emotional withholding can be detrimental to one’s health, for the longer one’s thoughts and/or emotions aren’t released, the more power they build. The thoughts and/or emotions can eventually becoming explosive, if not crippling. The need to express oneself honestly is a form of healing and a choice open to all. To not do so can result in a breakdown of the person and result in mental/emotional instability or the creation of a physical ailment, illness or disease.

    Empaths are sensitive to TV, videos, movies, news and broadcasts. Violence or emotional dramas depicting shocking scenes of physical or emotional pain inflicted on adults, children or animals can bring an empath easily to tears. At times, they may feel physically ill or choke back the tears. Some empaths will struggle to comprehend any such cruelty, and may have grave difficulty in expressing themselves in the face of another’s ignorance, closed-mindedness and obvious lack of compassion. They simply cannot justify the suffering they feel and see.

    You will find empaths working with people, animals or nature with a true passion and dedication to help them. They are often tireless teachers and/or caretakers for our environment and all within it. Many volunteers are empathic and give up personal time to help others without pay and/or recognition.

    Empaths may be excellent storytellers due to an endless imagination, inquisitive minds and ever-expanding knowledge. They can be old romantics at heart and very gentle. They may also be the “keepers” of ancestral knowledge and family history. If not the obvious family historians, they may be the ones who listen to the stories passed down and possess the majority of the family history. Not surprisingly, they may have started or possess a family tree.

    They have a broad interest in music to suit their many expressive temperaments, and others can query how empaths can listen to one style of music, and within minutes, change to something entirely different. Lyrics within a song can have adverse, powerful effects on empaths, especially if it is relevant to a recent experience. In these moments, it is advisable for empaths to listen to music without lyrics, to avoid playing havoc with their emotions!

    They are just as expressive with body language as with words, thoughts, and feelings. Their creativity is often expressed through dance, acting, and bodily movements. Empaths can project an incredible amount of energy portraying and/or releasing emotion. Empaths can become lost in the music, to the point of being in a trance-like state; they become one with the music through the expression of their physical bodies. They describe this feeling as a time when all else around them is almost non-existent.

    People of all walks of life and animals are attracted to the warmth and genuine compassion of empaths. Regardless of whether others are aware of one being empathic, people are drawn to them as a metal object is to a magnet!

    Even complete strangers find it easy to talk to empaths about the most personal things, and before they know it, they have poured out their hearts and souls without intending to do so consciously. It is as though on a sub-conscious level that person knows instinctively that empaths would listen with compassionate understanding. Then again, for empaths, it is always nice to actually be heard themselves!

    Here are the listeners of life. They can be outgoing, bubbly, enthusiastic and a joy to be in the presence of, as well as highly humorous at the most unusual moments! On the flip side, empaths can be weighted with mood swings that will have others around them want to jump overboard and abandon ship! The thoughts and feelings empaths receive from any and all in their life can be so overwhelming (if not understood) that their moods can fluctuate with lightning speed. One moment they may be delightfully happy and with a flick of the switch, miserable.

    Abandoning an empath in the throes of alternating moods can create detrimental effects. A simple return of empathic love–listening and caring compassionately without bias, judgment and/or condemnation–can go an incredibly long way to an empath’s instant recovery. Many empaths don’t understand what is occurring within them. They literally have no idea that another person’s emotions are now felt, as one’s own and reflected outwardly. They are confused as to how one moment all was well, and then the next, they feel so depressed, alone, etc. The need to understand the possibilities of empath connection is a vital part of the empaths journey for themselves and for those around them.

    Empaths are often problem solvers, thinkers, and studiers of many things. As far as empaths are concerned, where a problem is, so too is the answer. They often will search until they find one – if only for peace of mind. This can certainly prove beneficial for others in their relationships, in the workplace, or on the home front. Where there is a will, there is a way and the empath will find it. The empath can literally (likely without the knowledge of what’s actually occurring) tap into Universal Knowledge and be receptive to guidance in solving anything they put their head and hearts into.

    Empaths often are vivid and/or lucid dreamers. They can dream in detail and are inquisitive of dream content. Often they feel as though the dreams are linked to their physical life somehow, and not just a mumble of nonsensical, irrelevant, meaningless images. This curiosity will lead many empathic dreamers to unravel some of the “mysterious” dream contents from an early age and connect the interpretation to its relevance in their physical life. If not, they may be led to dream interpretations through other means.

    Empaths are daydreamers with difficulty keeping focused on the mundane. If life isn’t stimulating, off an empath will go into a detached state of mind. They will go somewhere, anywhere, in a thought that appears detached from the physical reality, yet is alive and active for they really are off and away. If a tutor is lecturing with little to no emotional input, empaths will not be receptive to such teaching and can (unintentionally) drift into a state of daydreaming.

    Give the empath student the tutor who speaks with stimuli and emotion (through actual experience of any given subject) and the empath is receptively alert. Empaths are a captivated audience. This same principle applies in acting. An actor will either captivate the audience through expressing (in all aspects) emotions (as though they really did experience the role they are portraying) or will loose them entirely. Empaths make outstanding actors.

    Empaths frequently experience déjà vu and synchronicities. What may initially start as, “Oh, what a coincidence”, will lead to the understanding of synchronicities as an aspect of who they are. These synchronicities will become a welcomed and continually expanding occurrence. As an understanding of self grows, the synchronicities become more fluent and free flowing. The synchronicities can promote a feeling of euphoria as empaths identify with them and appreciate the connection to their empathic nature.

    Empaths are most likely to have had varying paranormal experiences throughout their lives. NDE’s (Near death experiences) and or OBE’s (Out of body experiences) can catapult an unaware empath into the awakening period and provide the momentum for a journey of discovery. Those who get caught up in life, in society’s often dictating ways, in work etc., can become lost in a mechanical way of living that provides very little meaning. All “signs of guidance” are ignored to shift out of this state of “doing”. A path to being whole again becomes evident and a search for more meaning in one’s life begins.

    These types of experiences appear dramatic, can be life-altering indeed, and are most assuredly just as intensely memorable in years to come. They are the voice of guidance encouraging us to pursue our journey in awareness. Sometimes, some of us require that extra assistance!

    For some empaths, the lack of outside understanding towards paranormal events they experience, may lead to suppressing such abilities. (Most of these abilities are very natural and not a coincidence.) Empaths may unknowingly adopt the positive or negative attitude of others as their own. (This, however, can be overcome.) Empaths may need to follow interests in the paranormal and the unexplained with curiosity so as to explain and accept their life circumstances.

    Here are 30 of the most common traits:

    1. Knowing: Empaths just know stuff, without being told. It’s a knowing that goes way beyond intuition or gut feelings, even though that is how many would describe the knowing. The more attuned they are the stronger this gift becomes.

    2. Being in public places can be overwhelming: Places like shopping malls, supermarkets or stadiums where there are lots of people around can fill the empath with turbulently vexed emotions that are coming from others.

    3. Feeling others emotions and taking them on as your own: This is a huge one for empaths. To some they will feel emotions off those near by and with others they will feel emotions from those a vast distance away, or both. The more adept empath will know if someone is having bad thoughts about them, even from great distance.

    4. Watching violence, cruelty or tragedy on the TV is unbearable: The more attuned an empath becomes the worse it is and may make it so they eventually have to stop watching TV and reading newspapers altogether.

    5. You know when someone is not being honest: If a friend or a loved one is telling you lies you know it (although many empaths try not to focus on this because knowing a loved one is lying can be painful). Or if someone is saying one thing but feeling/thinking another, you know.

    6. Picking up physical symptoms off another: An empath will almost always develop the ailments off another (colds, eye infections, body aches and pains) especially those they’re closest to, somewhat like sympathy pains.

    7. Digestive disorders and lower back problems: The solar plexus chakra is based in the centre of the abdomen and it’s known as the seat of emotions. This is where empaths feel the incoming emotion of another, which can weaken the area and eventually lead to anything from stomach ulcers to IBS (too many other conditions to list here). Lower back problems can develop from being ungrounded (amongst other things) and one, who has no knowledge of them being an empath, will almost always be ungrounded.

    8. Always looking out for the underdog: Anyone whose suffering, in emotional pain or being bullied draws an empath’s attention and compassion.

    9. Others will want to offload their problems on you, even strangers: An empath can become a dumping ground for everyone else’s issues and problems, which, if they’re not careful can end up as their own.

    10. Constant fatigue: Empaths often get drained of energy, either from energy vampires or just taking on too much from others, which even sleep will not cure. Many get diagnosed with ME.

    11. Addictive personality: Alcohol, drugs, sex, are to name but a few addictions that empaths turn to, to block out the emotions of others. It is a form of self protection in order to hide from someone or something.

    12. Drawn to healing, holistic therapies and all things metaphysical: Although many empaths would love to heal others they can end up turning away from being healers (even though they have a natural ability for it), after they’ve studied and qualified, because they take on too much from the one they are trying to heal. Especially if they are unaware of their empathy. Anything of a supernatural nature is of interest to empaths and they don’t surprise or get shocked easily. Even at the revelation of what many others would consider unthinkable, for example, empaths would have known the world was round when others believed it was flat.

    13. Creative: From singing, dancing, acting, drawing or writing an empath will have a strong creative streak and a vivid imagination.

    14. Love of nature and animals: Being outdoors in nature is a must for empaths and pets are an essential part of their life.

    15. Need for solitude: An empath will go stir-crazy if they don’t get quiet time. This is even obvious in empathic children.

    16. Gets bored or distracted easily if not stimulated: Work, school and home life has to be kept interesting for an empath or they switch off from it and end up daydreaming or doodling.

    17. Finds it impossible to do things they don’t enjoy: As above. Feels like they are living a lie by doing so. To force an empath to do something they dislike through guilt or labelling them as idle will only serve in making them unhappy. It’s for this reason many empaths get labelled as being lazy.

    18. Strives for the truth: This becomes more prevalent when an empath discovers his/her gifts and birthright. Anything untruthful feels plain wrong.

    19. Always looking for the answers and knowledge: To have unanswered questions can be frustrating for an empath and they will endeavour to find an explanation. If they have a knowing about something they will look for confirmation. The downside to this is an information overload.

    20. Likes adventure, freedom and travel: Empaths are free spirits.

    21. Abhors clutter: It makes an empath feel weighed down and blocks the flow of energy.

    22. Loves to daydream: An empath can stare into space for hours, in a world of their own and blissfully happy.

    23. Finds routine, rules or control, imprisoning: Anything that takes away their freedom is debilitating to an empath even poisoning.

    24. Prone to carry weight without necessarily overeating: The excess weight is a form of protection to stop the negative incoming energies having as much impact.

    25. Excellent listener: An empath won’t talk about themselves much unless it’s to someone they really trust. They love to learn and know about others and genuinely care.

    26. Intolerance to narcissism: Although kind and often very tolerant of others, empaths do not like to be around overly egotistical people, who put themselves first and refuse to consider another’s feelings or points of view other than their own.

    27. The ability to feel the days of the week: An empath will get the ‘Friday Feeling’ if they work Fridays or not. They pick up on how the collective are feeling. The first couple of days of a long, bank holiday weekend (Easter for example) can feel, to them, like the world is smiling, calm and relaxed. Sunday evenings, Mondays and Tuesdays, of a working week, have a very heavy feeling.

    28. Will not choose to buy antiques, vintage or second-hand: Anything that’s been pre-owned carries the energy of the previous owner. An empath will even prefer to have a brand new car or house (if they are in the financial situation to do so) with no residual energy.

    29. Sense the energy of food: Many empaths don’t like to eat meat or poultry because they can feel the vibrations of the animal (especially if the animal suffered), even if they like the taste.

    30. Can appear moody, shy, aloof, disconnected: Depending on how an empath is feeling will depend on what face they show to the world. They can be prone to mood swings and if they’ve taken on too much negative will appear quiet and unsociable, even miserable. An empath detests having to pretend to be happy when they’re sad, this only adds to their load (makes working in the service industry, when it’s service with a smile, very challenging) and can make them feel like scuttling under a stone.

  • Feeling trapped by: tbayer 7 years 6 months ago

    I am so glad I found ADHD & Marriage, Melissa Orlov, her books and online seminars because I can relate with so much of what is shared.  I've wanted to comment for a long time. I feel like I need a sense of community, support which I feel when learning about ADHD, going to counseling,etc.  The big 'however' is my spouse with ADHD who doesn't follow through, forgets, is emotionally unconnected ( not just with me), doesn't put things aways, loses things, etc.  I have been in therapy for many years with the issue of marriage always the main focus. We've been to 6 couple's counselors in the past 14 yrs, only for my husband to stop after a few sessions each time, except the past 4 years ( of which we've seen 4 therapists because of moves we've made for my husbands jobs) in which he has been open to going regularly. ADHD Dx was not made until 3 yrs ago...what a big light bulb that went off for me!  That's when I found Melissa Orlov.

    So my feeling trapped is because I feel like I do 85% of our family/household stuff, kids, pets, etc. And the 15% my husband does with my asking and reminding and asking again! My husband makes promise after promise to change ( he started individual counseling this Spring which I am thankful for) and I can see some small, slow change.  I feel he uses this against me or gets defensive when I express frustration at what I perceive as lack of progress.  It all feels too little too late.  I don't understand.  If I knew the "3 legs of the stool" to treatment mentioned in ADHD Effects on Relationships, I think I would do them if I knew it was helpful 1st for me mentally and physically, and 2nd that it would positively impact those around me.  Why doesn't my husband?  We've been married 20 yrs with 3 fabulous children.  I love him and care about him however I don't feel in love with him because the message I receive over and over and over from his forgetfulness, irresponsibility, emotional disconnect is that "I don't matter". It hurts and I know I deserve more.

    Thank you for "listening":)

     

  • I have the same issues with my ADHD husband..... but really need some hope by: cant-talk-to-fr... 7 years 6 months ago

    Hello All,

    I am a long-time reader of this site and forum. And so many posts are similar to my struggles with my untreated ADHD husband. His lying, avoidance, being financially irresponsible. All the pressure being on me to earn the majority of our income to support our family. And his constant empty promises or his lashing out and defensiveness.

    We have been together about twelve years and married for seven and have five-year-old twins. And I am just so exhausted from it all.

    I have similar stories to all of you. He just cant' get it together in some ways. The other day he couldn't afford groceries for our kids lunch. And many months he doesn't have enough for his half of the mortgage. I never know from month to month from week to week what he is earning and if he can pay any bills. And it doesn't help that he has a history of big lies from saying a car he paid for was stolen to forging my signature on my cheques to pay rent. Though these acts were a long time ago the mistrust is still there.

    The house we are in I paid for alone, the car he drives I bought alone and pay the insurance, the kids activities and cloths I pay for. The house renovations all me. And while I'm good with money and make a good living I need him to at least have a steady income I can rely on. He does a lot of short-term work. Painting jobs. Little design jobs. Where he gets a 100 here and there. And sometimes more. I hate it.

    And I've been working so hard for so many years I'd just like to think that some of the pressure can be off me for a while. I work full time at a government job but I'm also creative and would like mental time and space for that. But I feel he puts our lives into crisis a lot.

    What I am looking for today is a glimmer of hope from you all. I don't want to get divorced. I actually love him very much. While financially he is a mess, he does work hard but seems unable to understand how to ensure he is paid well. And he does have a lot of intelligence and skills but seems unable to make a plan for his life and work. And while he can in some ways be defensive and selfish. He also in our day to day life is there for me and our boys. He's gentle and kind. And in many ways we have a lot in common. And similar ways at looking at the world.

    I keep praying he gets his ADHD treatment rolling, starts taking meds regularly, sees an ADHD coach and just sticks with a treatment. Because I just need a little space to breath. Time to focus on me and not always his illness and the fall out from it. I want to enjoy our family and have a good quality of life. I've worked so hard for that and I deserve it. 

    Please someone out there tell me there is hope. There is a light. Because I love him and I love our family. But I also need more stability to function and fully be the person I need to be. And right now I can't even look at him. I can't even open my mouth to yell or nag. I am just so tired.

    Seeking your help in just feeling today a little more hopeful that tomorrow will be a better day. 

  • "Relevance" by: kellyj 7 years 6 months ago

    Relevance....the quality or state of being closely connected or appropriate.

    This is my new word.  What is the relevance...in anything?  Is it subjective...or objective?  This came to me last night when I was yet, trying to have a conversation with my wife, and we were doing the "two different languages" thing again?  I finally figure out, what those "two Languages" really are and it hit me, right between the eyes!! LOL  I was trying to speak to her "objectively" about the logistics of chores and who does what in an effort to get past this major stumbling block in out communications again?  This time, I listened only but I was still having a difficult time following her?  Every time I tried to, in effect, talk to her or exchange ideas, she would get frustrated and ask me why I was saying what I was saying?  I said "aren't we trying to problem solve the situation surrounding certain chores?  You started conversation saying, I'm having a real issue with this and I don't know what to do?"  But after that opening line, she seemed to drift off into another topic or things that were unrelated to one another again..and mostly, it sounded like complaining and venting and just went negative from there?  I kept trying to pull the conversation back on line ( to stay on topic ) and she kept going somewhere completely unrelated to the topic which about her feelings or making statements over and over and saying the same thing?  I finally asked her if we could stay on the one topic at hand and try to figure out a solution to the problem that you clearly stated that you were having an issue, and I don't know what to do?  You came to me with this, otherwise, it was not even on my mind?  Don't you want to find a solution to this easily fixable problem as you came to with with and wanted an answer for?"

    And she got angry and stopped the conversation saying "I already have the answer, I told you the answer this morning.  That's what I'm going to do and I don't need your help with it"
    So why then, did you come to me and say "I'm having an issue with this, and I don't know what to do?"

    Relevance. " the quality or state of being:       closely connected......or appropriate"

    Which one?  If everything that comes out of her mouth is not related to the topic at hand ( the logistics of chores ) then how can you speak subjectively.. about something that o objective like that?  It appears the problem really truly is...she can't speak or hear things objectively and can only make statement or singular ideas objectively...that are not related to or connected to anything else. What is appropriate in this case should not go into the subjective thought but what I realized as it Dawned on....nothing she was saying was objective to the goal of solving this chore issue we were having? I honestly think, she has no ability to speak objectively and that is the language barrier that has been holding us up.  It you can't speak objectively about anything..then every is subjective even logistical facts and logical matters like fixing this "issue" that she said "I don't know what to do?" ( she came to me...not the other way around )

    Because clearly to me, it sounded like the mixture of the two...with no relevance what so ever?  In fact, the only thing she anything I could really understand was........."I'm having an issue"....and......."I don't know what to do"  Everything that came after that, was saying how worried she was?  Wouldn't it be appropriate, to find out or ask what that is?  And when I ask or try to find out more....she repeats he same things again and says...I already told you, here I'll say it again"   Please, no.....stop!!!  Not again!!!!  Repeating te same thing over and over and then saying...I told you,l here I'll say it again. What she said, and kept repeating over and over...had no relevance to what she said before which is why I was not able to follow her?  Subjectively, or objectively speaking, but what I was hearing was both at the same time and nothing made any sense to me?  I realized in the moment...that what she was saying lacked "relevance" to the topic...but not to her,  which made no sense at all?  And then she tells me afterwards, that she already told me what the answer was early yesterday...even though I heard her clearly ( and she admits saying this ) I don't know what to do?   What was the relevance of saying anything to me at all,  and why did she bring it up if she already knew the answer?????????????  My new favorite word.  It gives me a base line to work from now.

    J

  • Incessantly gropes me; history of sxual trauma by: Ctyrdk 7 years 6 months ago

    My husband is ADHD and I am not; we've been married 17 years. I love him dearly. His ADHD habits, however, make me feel worn down and thin on years of patience. His habit is to grope and grab me when I'm in the midst of activities such as cooking and other household duties. I have a history of sxual trauma that leaves me always in a state of alert self protection. While I've done years of counseling and therapy, he is not open to it. He keeps telling me that it's what he wants and I need to get over it. I'm so very, very uncomfortable and even scared at the idea of non-consentual sexual touch and intimacy. I feel like if we could connect at the best friends level again, it would help. When I speak up to voice "here's what would help me", in a non-accusing manner, he always counters with "well I need sex" (and sometimes "because I'm a guy, I need it). I'm 41 years old and tired, but love him and want it to work.

  • :) by: jennalemone 7 years 6 months ago

    I was ranting.  I'm over it.  I deleted my rant.

  • I'M DONE AND LEAVING. MY KIDS HATE ME by: ccfegley2 7 years 6 months ago

    Hi:  I got on this site about 6 years ago in desperation and isolation.  I've been married to an otherwise wonderful man for almost 23 years.  When we had twins 17 years ago his ADD exploded.  He and I are the exact example of a couple in "The ADD Effect on Marriage."  We have both been aware of our situation since discovering this site and these books.  Armed with that knowledge, I took him to the Mayo Clinic, have arranged therapy with 5 different marriage counselors over the years and have made myself crazy.  He says he always feels like the "project" in marriage counseling right before he decides not to return.  So finally I said I want a divorce; I'm moving out.  SNAP  NOW HE SAYS HE GETS IT.  WTF?  He says the light finally came on and to "give him a second chance."  Truth be told, I've given him 1000 chances over these years.  My current frustration is that my kids only see how much fun their dad is and adore him.  I'm glad they adore him but they have no way of seeing the underlying problems of an ADD/non-ADD marriage.  All they see is my reaction to him:  nagging, controlling, disappointment, etc.  He is now the "victim" who is broken hearted.  My kids now HATE ME.  My daughter isn't talking to me.  They want to live with him and can't wait till the movers come later this week for me to get out.  My husband keeps saying "how can you abandon us."  I have a legitimate reason for leaving.  It's all ADD related.  No cheating, lying, etc.  All ADD, depression and anxiety which the kids don't really see.  So now, to divorce my husband means I divorce my kids too.  I can't take it anymore though.  I just can't take it.  Anybody else leave their ADD spouse and also lose their kids?  Will they come back around?  c.

  • On and Off Again Troubles w/ ADHD BF by: cmixo 7 years 6 months ago

    I've been in a relationship with someone with ADHD for a little over a year now, and all I can say is that I'm tired. We've broken up and gotten back together 4 times now. It's a cycle: he gets sick of the routine we're in, he wants to break free, so he breaks up with me. Then, he misses me, and comes running back. And I take him back every time because I love him so so much, and when we're together, it's the most magical feeling ever because he's so focused on us. But I can't help thinking, will we last? Does any one else have this syndrome in their relationship and have you gotten past it? I need some hope. He's my soulmate.

     

  • DOORMAT by: HyperBallad 7 years 6 months ago

    My husband has ADHD. For most of our marriage I've been the breadwinner in our family - bringing almost 80% of our income. I am ambitious - I work hard and I love doing well financially. When I am doing well, I love to share the fruits of my labor. I love being generous and having nice things. My husband, not so much. He's had a few jobs since we've been together, but they are usually low-wage jobs - and none have lasted. The last job he had - he was demoted from a supervisor to a delivery driver. I can tell it really hurt his ego and he ended up quitting without a back up plan. Now he makes $10 an hour - working only a few hours a week.

    Sadly, we have this cycle:

    1. I am generous. I have extra income. I end up paying our bills and expenses - mortgage, food, car, household repairs - an occasional night out.

    2. I am reminded through some action (He forgot his wallet, the internet is turned off because he doesn't have enough money to cover it, a call from a creditor, etc) that he is not bringing in enough income.

    3. I get angry at this. I realize I never feel taken care of or appreciated. I start to fuss about how much I do for him. I fuss about him getting a better job - bringing in more money. I tell him he is a man - an adult - that he should be doing better. When things get really heated -  I suggest that he should move out if he's not willing to make a change.

    4. He gets very upset, pale, makes promises to do better - pleads, cries - says he sees how much he is hurting me. Says he will get a better job - says he will pick up more hours...

    5. He never does better!! When I bring up his promises and how they've not been met - he says I am mean for bringing them up. He says I've never given him a chance to do better. (um, 14 years of marriage?)

    6. Then, I find myself paying for things again.

    My contract is coming to an end at the company I am working for - so I am in the position of needing to find more work. I feel such anxiety about continuing a relationship with him given his track record. I know his low-wage paychecks won't cover our bills and expenses. I am tired of giving him more chances to disappoint me. I love him - but I feel like well - does he love me? Why would a man allow his wife to make such sacrifices? Isn't he supposed to be stepping up - taking charge? What about the statistics that say men earn more than women? I confronted him with these questions and he told me I had married a complacent man. Is he proud of this?

     

  • Taking a break... by: hopelessly devo... 7 years 6 months ago

    I am a long time reader of this forum as it helped me understand the challenges I had in my on & off relationship with an ADHD man in the last 3 years.

    We met & started dating immediately 3 years ago. I was very much in his hyperfocus as he constantly wanted to be around me, was devoted, loving & upfront with his feelings. Even I was too - I believed he was the perfect match for me because we had so much in common plus we had the same life goals. 
    Our relationship only lasted 5 months because he told me he suddenly stopped having romantic feelings for me. I was stunned & heart broken because I was so sure he was it. I cut him out. I didn't want to see him again because I didn't believe that "feelings just stopped" was a real reason. I lasted about a week before contacting him again to suggest trying to be friends. Afterall, we had so much in common & got along really well, making a cut because we didn't work as a couple seemed like a waste.

    We have been friends for 2 & half years. After being friends for the first month after our break-up, we started sleeping together again & had been doing so ever since - on & off. What was worse is that we both started seeing other people several times in this 2 & half years but weren't exactly faithful to these other people because we kept coming back to each other. It has continued to be impossible for us to spend time alone together & not be intimate in some shape or form. Of course there was jealousy from both sides as well.

    Half way through last year, our career paths went in different directions (same industry but I ended up having more success). This caused me to be in a new circle of people & have less time available to be with him. He became distant. I missed him & told him so. Our physical aspect of our 'friendship' continued but he didn't tell me anything anymore. It felt less & less like a friendship. It was during this time that I realised that I was still in love with him. 

    About a week before I planned to tell him my feelings for him, I found out he was sleeping with someone else as well as me - which was not unusual for us but it affected me more this time. I decided I couldn't go on like this anymore so 3 weeks ago I told him that I can't be friends with him anymore because I still love him & it's getting too hard for me to deal with emotionally. I thought he would be upset by me taking away my friendship but he just said "Ok, I understand". He didn't seem upset or didn't want to try to object to see if he could make things better. I was shocked by this reaction & upset too. He has never been one to show his vulnerability so I don't know whether it was a self preservation reaction or what. 
    Even so, currently it has been 3 weeks which is the longest time we've gone without any form of communication and interaction & it's so difficult for me because I do miss him & am wondering if I should tell him that I miss him or ride it out for a bit longer to see if he comes back to me first?

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