Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Donald Trump by: kellyj 7 years 8 months ago

    I know that is a weird kind of off the wall way to title a post in the section called "Progress and Hope"...since, in my personal opinion based on my own experience with a bonifide Narcissist ( amongst a host of other personal problems he has ) as it appears, many are not in disagreement with that assessment including myself (and even in the opinion of the attitudes expressed on this forum as well )  This makes for a fascinating case study in human socio-psychological phenomenon that is really easy to see?  As I have experienced this myself, if you want to see the worst in people, come out of the woodwork...leave it up to a Narcissist to do this single handedly with very little help from anyone else? LOL

    And taking that in to account, I listened to a talk about this in retrospect given by Al Frankin ( Minnesota jr senator and former writer / actor for Saturday Night Live.  "Send your money to me, Al Franklin"...if anyone recalls? LOL)  Ahd in this talk, some interesting figures emerged that were really telling?

    Apparently, 1/2 of all people who voted for Trump ( 50% of 50%  and taking 1/2 from that in a percentage equal about 13%  of all people in this country ) feel that the President should be able to over ride ( at will ) the decisions of the courts based on our own legal system that has been established from the time our country first began ie: "The Constitution" and the legal and judicial systems that came from said document ) which if you stop and think about "why" the constitution was written in the first place, was to avoid the problems and the inequities in a system from whence the founding fathers came from ie: A Dictatorship / King / Monarchy / Fascists type  simply put.  This kind of floored me thinking......what are these people thinking?  That it would be best interest of the country, to return to a government..where you have one person making the decisions for everyone with no checks and balances to prevent this from happening in the first place?

    And then I thought,  well that might be true, if that person was:

    A) A Narcissist themselves 

    B) Had a single solitary agenda like Abortion for example..that was the single solitary thing on that persons list ( out of dozens and dozens of concerns and issues to deal with as being only (1) of all of that them mattered and all the others are quickly dismissed as irrelevant so therefore,...anyone who is against it, is who I would vote for? ( period )

    C)  Other issues involved including the way in which a person thinks, fears, victim mentality , education level, cognitive challenges, social upbringing, regional demographics and any other personality issues or defects or flaws a person might have in the sense of mental health issues or a propensity to have any or a combination of these things themselves?

    D) all the above in varying forms or one or the other

    And the reason I am saying this is because....that figure makes absolutely no logical, ethical, intellectual or otherwise...common sense what so ever?  To simply say "I think that you should just throw the constitution out the window ( after over 200 years ) and by pass the checks and balances that our country is founded on...simply because I said so...with no logical argument or justification to support such a ridiculous claim?  And fact that you are dealing with a full blown out of control Narcissism at the helm and the totally predictable behavior he immediately displayed from day one ( predictability is the Hall Mark of Narcissism ) and the fact that you still have 13% -25% of everyone in the country, thinking this is still Okay?  With no justification based on our entire legal system and government and the way it's been established and the way it works?  Just do it anyway...because it serves me in some way with absolutely no regard for the rest of the people who live in this country who feel differently about that? I guess?  It blows my mind that that many people in this country...have no idea just how our government and our legal and judicial system actually works and the reason why....it was designed this way, right from the get go?  To prevent this very thing from happening in the first place for crying out loud!!! LOL

    The fact is.....the "facts"....seem to be superfluous and irrelevant to this one segment of our society at large including our new President?  And in kind of a "boneheaded"...kind of way as well? IMHO of course?  I'm an independent...so I get to say these things. LOL  I will not, and do not....take "party affiliations" or pick sides in these matters between Democrats,Republicans, Conservatives and Liberals....unless the side of the Constitution is being disputed simply put. lol  The constitution and our legal system and the entire premise of the 3 branches of government ie: Judicial, Executive, and Legislative...based solely on the Constitution and the interpretation of the "facts"..as said...is the only thing that concerns me and what I really care about?

    And the fact that the "Executive" branch...shares the same "function" ( kind of ) as the "Executive Function" ( or center ) in our brains, makes this an even more interesting thing to look at and see the similarities based of "Sociological effects"...and "psychological effects" on the individual..and on the public at large?  And the seemingly remarkable similarity in dysfunction when the "Executive" of our country, has a mental illness or Personality Disorder...any way you want to say it assuming that what I am saying is true for the time being?

    So I looked up the Demographic Psychosocial Survey of our entire country just to get some more numbers and facts to work with and see how this plays out?  It divided the country in to 3 regions and was based on the Big 5...factors in this kind of research which are:

    Mean Big Five standardized scores by cluster profile.

    E  Extraversion;

    A  Agreeableness;

    C  Conscientiousness;

    N  Neuroticism;

    O  Openness.

    This was really fascinating for me to see in comparison here to add into this as a result of this survey inventory or just our country alone (For those who live in the US..not assuming otherwise just to compare apples to apples and not go "global" lol )  I think this is still relevant for anyone living in a different part of the world which would still most likely show up differently based on these results?

    And the 3 regions included what they called the Cluster Profile of:

    Cluster 1:  Friendly & Conventional Profile   north-central Great Plains and the South tend to be conventional and friendly,

    Cluster 2: Relaxed & Creative  those in the Western and Eastern seaboards lean toward being mostly relaxed and creative

    Cluster 3: Temperamental & Uninhibited Profile  while New Englanders and Mid-Atlantic residents are prone to being more temperamental and uninhibited, according to a study published online by APA’s Journal of Personality and Social Psychology®.

    But here's where the data really gets interesting?

     

    Profile cluster 1 "Friendly and Conventional" :  0.31 E,  0.30 A,  0.030 C,  - 0.13 N,  - O.48 O  Which means people from the South and North Central Great Plains are great when it comes to being more Extroverted, more Agreeable, and more Conscientious, with a slightly negative in Neuroticism...except, are the least open people in the entire country at negative  -.48 as a total score?  In fact...the only area of the country that scored a negative number in the openness category but is still considered Friendly and Conventional which seems to go the opposite of being friendly if you are not open to new ideas and change for example?  That is a funny inverse relationship between the other positive traits?  I wonder how not being open...goes hand in hand with being friendly, or friendly to those with other ideas and  to outside influences and different ways of thinking?  Who are they more friendly with...more to the point?

     

    Profile cluster 2 "Creative and Relaxed"  ( that would include Me here just to point this out )  -0.40 E.  -0.20 A, 0.02 C, -0.55 N, 080.00 O   So it appears that people in this group or region...tend not to be very extroverted or agreeable as much, only slightly conscientious but overwhelmingly not as Neurotic and being the highest on openness of any of the three groups?  This is interesting to see such a contrast between Neurosis and Openness in this inverse relationship here?  Seemingly...the higher the Openness, the lower in Neuroticism?  This might indicate that ( we ) in this group...tend to be kind of a pain in the ass but are open to new ideas, relaxed and creative and the least Neurotic of anywhere in the country as a whole?

    Profile cluster 3 "Temperamental & Uninhibited" almost speaks for itself? LOL  -0.33E,  -0.48A, -0.80C, 1.0N, 0.30 O  Obviously, off the chart in Neuroticism and moderately open...with a low degree of extroversion, agreeableness and conscientiousness as it would appear?  Like I said, it seems the "label" on the category itself...speaks for itself? LOL  Only slightly less agreeable and extroverted than group 2, but off the chart in Neuroticism compared to the other two?  ( by leaps and bounds in comparison? )  That might indicate why people in this region are not as friendly or relaxed as the other two groups? LOL  You think?  Just going off the numbers as a group or a whole here?

    What is really interesting...is that if you took any of these 3 categories and applied them to a person as a personal profile..if that was me, choosing a partner or someone I wanted to be with as a means to do this with nothing else....it would appear that cluster 1 ( person) might be the friendliest, but the least likely to be open to new ideas and change and will be more stubborn or resistant to anything outside of the this or cluster group but be pretty mentally healthy with the second lowest score in the mental health category of Neuroticism?

    The second group as a person... . might be more like me for example?  Kind of a pain in the ass...not extremely agreeable, highly conscientious but about even or average but extremely open to new ideas and different ways of seeing things in a more open minded kind of way?  Except I am more extroverted myself than less so I don't fit this exact profile to a T as stated just in that one category with only that exception?

    The third group as a person....I am not seeing a lot of positive qualities to pick from?  Low in extroversion, even lower in agreeableness, and even lower in that in conscientiousness, and then spikes through the roof when it comes to being the most Neurotic and being in the middle between the other two in openness but that seems to be the saving grace for this category alone by the numbers if you were just going to pick one as a category to choose a person to be with?  I mean, if you had the choice between Friendly, Relaxed and Creative...or Temperamental and Uninhibited (but is low on extroversion but high in Neuroticism ).....which group as a person...would make a good partner or person to spend all your time with?  That's a good question...and seemingly an interesting way to see this if you had to pick from a sheet of paper and not actually meet that person in real life face to face?  In my mind....category #3 is not even a consideration and even if I thought about moving to a different part of the country ...this would be the last region I would pick as it would not suit my temperament or way of seeing things and especially since I value openness the most...and Neuroticism the least of all as a good quality to have?

    The fact is....that the name on the label....describes me pretty well in my attitude about things?  Relaxed and creative...and I don't tend to worry?  As I have said in the past..."I'm easy"...even if I am a pain the ass at times which goes right along with what this is saying?  Actually...I am more friendly in that I am more agreeable, more and a little more conscientious like group 1...but a little higher in Neurosis but am extremely open creative and more relaxed about things and don;t get excited too easily or at the drop of a hat?  I appear to me somewhere in between group 1 and 2 in that regard..but not at all like group 3 in the same comparison?

    All of these things suggest the source or motivation for certain beliefs, certain types of thinking and certain types of personalities outside of having ADHD to me?  ADHD doesn't cause thinking...it only flavors what you got as I am seeing this better and more clearly all the time?

    It would be curious now for me to know....where are these 13% of the people who believe that the President can just break policy, break the law, and trash our legal system and throw the constitution in the garbage and say it's Okay for Mr Trump to make shit up as he goes, make his own rules and not even care if what he does is illegal or justified other than to serve his own personal agenda and seemingly nothing else?

    What group of people here...would be most apt to think this way or agree with Donald Trump?  Is this a regional sociological thing ( nurture )...or just a completely dysfunctional or person who really has no idea what they are saying...and why what they are saying is absurdly ridiculously to the point of going off the deep end...when thinking that it's just Okay...to go against everyone else, the law, the constitution, the legal system and the entire premise of this country and what it was founded on and the reason behind why the founding fathers did it?  And want to undo that and go backwards in time and put all their faith in one man who never had to be accountable for anything and do what ever he wants as his only justification...his way despite all of this things....just because?

    The creepiest thing I have heard him say recently...was right in front of his own daughter on live television that "If Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her".  I've got to tell you...that just feaks my shit out ...big time!!! LOL  And he and his daughter were laughing and smiling as if that was funny and were not getting why the other 4 ladies siting there were kind of "freaked out" as well?  Do you blame them? LOL  I may have a different kind of sense of humor sometimes...but that is just  "Creepy."...live and in living color!!! yikes!!

    Anyway, I really am getting a lot of great insight into human behavior and the things that are coming out of this that I can even apply to myself and my wife and the problem we do run into sometimes and how are thinking about things can be so different at times?  Everyone acts in selfish and Narcissistic ways at times..but everyone, does not act like this guy, and that is the biggest difference that is so easy to see?   Like I said, if you want to see the worst come out of the wood work in people as a rule...stick them in a room with a bull blown Narc, and watch what happens?  Something will happen...and it won't really be all that good except for one person? IMHO?

    J

    http://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/psp-a0034434.pdf

    http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2013/10/regions-personalities.aspx

  • We finally agreed to therapy by: meiohsetsuna 7 years 8 months ago

    Hi there. I have lurkerd/posted before. I live in Japan, my husband is Japanese. My husband has told me that he has ADHD, and he has never taken meds for it. He's caused scenes in public, we can no longer go to certain places together. When he has a temper tantrum he throws things, yells, and calls me every name under the sun. No filter, no impulse control. We've almost gone bankrupt 3x and I have had to bail him out each time. Our sex life dried up on the day we signed our marriage documents. He has employed all the same mental tactics that a narcissist employs; in the end I am left emotionally drained. And we have only been married for a year and a half! (Together for 3)

     

    So as of the new year, I started to see a therapist myself. I am susceptible to depression, and my relationship has been causing me to dip in and out of it more frequently. My therapist hears my stories and asks, "Why does he want to continue suffering? Doesnt he know he can get help?" We talked about ways I could coax him to come in for couples therapy. I assumed it was going to be a long road to get him to go there.

     

    But as of last night, I have found my reason to insist. I have discovered he has a nasty habit of looking up porn on his phone (his browser history is connected to the home computer) and the time stamps reveal that its most often when he is at work. Its VERY often. And considering he never touches me physically anymore, I felt it was a cause for alarm. Especially considering that this is the THIRD time I have discovered he prefers a digital woman to the real thing. We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore, so its not a simple "oh he watches porn like all men do, time to shrug it off" thing. He's addicted to it, and then he comes home and treats me like a punching bag. That's not right at all. (I'm not anti porn, I might like to add.)

     

    And lo and behold, when I confronted him, and suggested for the umpteenth time that we were in need of counseling, he finally agreed. Of course it helps that I made it very clear we either a) fix it or b) we dont. It saddens me that it had to come to this... that his porn usage was the final catalyst.

     

    Anyway, I'm still waiting for the counselors to return my email about an actual appointment.

     

    Wish me luck.

  • Last Chance by: DependentOrigination 7 years 9 months ago

    I just want to thank you guys for all the help and advice you have given me over the last couple of months. I have gone from being anxious, depressed, confused, lost, sad, grieving, to healthy. It's amazing. It really is. My relationship with my husband has been getting better and better over the last couple of months. 

    Until this last week. I was contacted by a stranger on Facebook who sent me three screenshots of my husband's current online dating profile on Tinder. I didn't open the message until Monday morning. Thankfully I waited because I was on vacation in Dubai and my vacation was pretty great. I had done a lot of thinking about my relationship on the flights home in a practical, emotionally detached, risk-benefit kind of way. 

    I confronted my husband. He says he set it up because he was lonely (I was gone for 24 hours at that point) and was feeling depressed and insecure that he was getting older, having erectile dysfunction issues and was in debt and overweight. He wanted to know if he was still desirable, that he still had it. He said he did some flirting but didn't call or have sex with anyone. After a couple of days, he shut it down because he felt stupid and deleted it. 

    Unfortunately, I have no evidence to know whether this is true or not. And so I am left with a fairly tough decision... accept that this was a stupid mistake and try to move forward or abandon the work and the four years of marriage and my home and my life and start over again. 

    The good thing is that he has been profusely apologetic and accepts full responsibility for his actions. He has not blamed me, which he usually does although he does point out it is difficult to be intimate with someone who was as stressed and negative as I was prior to the last few months. 

    I have taken the wait and see approach. It really is up to him. He says he will go to counselling. He says he understand that this is kind of it for me. The last bit of slack I cut him.

    He can take the victim, self-pity approach if he chooses. That is not my responsibility. That is his choice. I have only good things ahead of me in life. He can come along if he wants, or he can self fulfil his prophecy of failure. I am willing to love, I am willing to help, I am willing to support, but I am not willing to rescue or save. He can only do that himself.  

  • Foggy recolections. by: BS 7 years 9 months ago

    I was just wondering how many this happens to or what to do about it.  Say your SO asks you something and you answer it how you remember, or how you think you remember it because this is what your mind is telling you what happened. I feel I do this a lot but it gets perceived as me lying about it and I dont know what to say or do so I just go along with it and say Im lying about whatever it is. Its hurting my marriage, not the only thing but still a big part of it. I dont want to say that thats how I remember it but then Ill just be making an excuse and not taking responsibility for whatever it is. Im just so lost on this and it drives me crazy because I have no idea what to do in these situations. Like today I woke up later, spent time with DW, making some changes so I wanted to lay in bed with her and it was nice. i Felt good after getting up. The kids were up at this point so she said one needed changing. I did that and got a pull up for the older boy. We went into the living room so they could watch tv and give mom some time to rest. I changed the older one there. She then asked me some time later when im at work that it wouldve been nice to tell her that I didnt change him. I said that I changed both of them. In fact I know that i did. I distinctly remember doing so. It hurts that she doesnt believe me but I understand why.

  • How to help by: Helpmeifyoucanl... 7 years 9 months ago

    Ok, so l have just joined the forum and 30 minutes ago l was pulling my hair out and l thought my head was going to explode. My husband of 22years was repeating the same worries that had been bugging him for the last two years and l was seriously losing it as l give him the same advice over and over again.

    Now, 30 minutes later l have regained control. My husband knew he had over run the mark and came to see me in my hideaway where l had retreated ( my bedroom) yes, we have separate rooms, he couldn't sleep , he sits downstairs endlessly, sleeping on and off as he says he can't wind down.

    He is a messy hoarder, buys stuff and things to do, generally diy but can take years to complete a job that he starts and doesn't see the rush to finish ( he doesn't see how frustrated it makes me ) we have half done diy projects throughout the house at all times and entertaining is out of the question without lots of apologies for the mess he makes. He doesn't pick up social cues but tries very hard when with "outsiders" and they would never know what happens here at home. He loses his rag , can misinterpret jokes and doesn't get sarcasm, he can damage things, l used to hide( still do sometimes) my most valued things in case a mood takes him, it can, very quickly.

    All l have heard about in the last three years( seems to get worse with age and stress levels) is refugees and asylum seekers, he is completely obsessed with them, within 5 minutes of any conversation he returns to this, this is what is doing my head in, because we have different views and he can't see others points of view, he talks non stop and doesn't know when to shut up.

    Anyway, l came on here to help if l can, ( and vent !) the things l have found have helped is 

    1) food,... when hungry it can make moods worse

    2) good nutritious food, to help deal with the loads of stress caused by crowds, excessive noise etc

    3)darkened rooms, when trying to relax an ADHD or Asperger 

    4)quiet, take away the excessive stimulus that can make them burn

    5) peacetime, allow them time on their own to recharge

    6)record their programmes, say what you feel if it's nice, they get it, but they don't get a look, the look may as well not happen

    7) don't expect them to wait , they don't get the reason for a build up, they will just think you have forgotten or don't care

    8) with the kids, take care of the emotional aspects of their care and praise your ADHD man for getting them physical stuff, they might enjoy that more

    9) praise him up, he will believe everything you say, because he only has your words to read since he will miss the nonverbal cues

    10) sometimes whatever you say will be wrong, just sit it out , take care of yourself, have another sane person to talk to for conversation 

    11) work, have some time away from him, it's essential to be able to breathe 

    this is how l have been helped, we get by, now it's harder as l am looking to retire, l will have to have hobbies that take me away from home to keep my sanity

     

  • Not trying to make a bad guy--but don't want to be one either by: doublej 7 years 9 months ago

    I need advice.

     

    I filed for divorce and it should be finalized in March. In the meantime, husband won't leave the house and seems to be in denial about everything. 

     

    I was talking to my daughter and trying to prep her that this IS coming. She asked who was getting the house. I said, "The judge will decide, but probably me because Dad can't afford it."  (Husband hasn't worked in over a year and is not seriously looking for work.) Daughter is upset and defensive about her dad. Husband paints a picture that since I was a stay-at-home mom for many years, I "owe" him now and it's his turn to stay home. The difference, of course, is that I worked my butt off as a stay-at-home mom.  I also started working part-time when the kids were old enough to be home alone.

     

    I'm really trying hard to not disparage my husband. At the same time, I don't want to be the bad guy myself.  I know that in a few years, the kids will see the truth about the situation. But until then, it can be hard to take the high road.  I can't fully explain my reasons for divorce without making him look bad.  In staying quiet, I look selfish and petty instead.

     

    My reasons for divorce in a nutshell: Husband doesn't support the family (either financially or as a competent stay at home dad who takes care of household business/chores), he has and continues to put us at financial risk; his angry outbursts have become more and more frequent, lack of a marriage partnership and emotional intimacy; unfair division of labor, unfinished projects, parent/child dynamic, etc.

     

    Thoughts?

  • such bizarre NON-communication--vent by: dvance 7 years 9 months ago

    Dear lord--does it NEVER get better???  If you have read any of my posts, you know my back story--the last 5 years have been awful.  At our first January 2017 marriage counselor appointment I finally told both the counselor and DH that I just cannot continue to pretend our marriage is going to get any better.  We are civil roommates on a good day, let's just leave it at that.  Most days I am totally fine with that, even relieved.  But...weekends...god I hate weekends.  I leave the house Monday through Friday around 7am and I can stay at school forever if I "need" to--there's always something to do, but weekends, that is when the complete and total train wreck that is my husband is right there and there is no escape.  It's not like any of this is new information to me, but geez.  The complete and total unclear communication is just staggering.  I try to have us do a family thing at least once a month--it's not my kids fault their father is a jerk, but still.  On Wednesday I said to DH this weekend--on Saturday let's go see that movie Hidden Figures OR on Sunday after church let's go to the Field Museum (we live in Chicago) to see this cool tattoo exhibit going on right now--both events that he has mentioned that we should all do.  I tell him whichever one he wants is fine with me.  Friday I ask him--he doesn't know which one he wants to do.  Fine.  As I type this it is 3:20 on Saturday and he still doesn't know.  In fact, he says to me that the older son looked up the movie and it isn't playing anywhere any more.  Um, no...it's everywhere still.  At the theater that is literally 4 walking distance blocks from our house, it's playing 4 different times today alone.  Okay then.  So I guess we are doing nothing.  Yes, I could make the decision, but for crying out loud--what is so hard about this?  Make a damn decision.  

     

    Another thing that has me worked up--many days DH works from home.  Do not even get me started on what his desk looks like.  It's in our master bedroom and used to be my desk, so neither of those things make me happy about the mess any more.  But now the mess is creeping into the living room.  The end table next to his chair in the living room is now cluttered with his stuff too.  There is this big stack of papers, binder clips, pens--been there for three days.  I ask him how long the stack of papers will be there for.  He says there are for a class he has to take online.  That does not answer my question.  I ask again how long the stack of papers will be there for.  He says he has to start the class this weekend.  AGAIN...not answering my question.  WHAT is so hard about this???  I ask again how long the papers will be there and he tells me to stop asking questions.  I have no way to know how long the online class is--how would I know that?  And his computer is in the bedroom on his desk, why would that stack of papers be in the living room????  It's just baffling to me.  And meanwhile, he has been watching movies with the 15 year old all day.  How in the world does he hold down a job for gods sake?  He has been fired from 3 jobs in the past 10 years, so none of this is a surprise to me, but still.  People wonder why living with an ADHD is so difficult--THIS IS WHY.  It is not quirky, it is not delightfully childish, it is not fun, it is not a whimsical way of looking at the world, it's immature and frustrating.   He is a petulant 15 year old living in the body of an adult.  

    I don't need a list of ways I can do better at living with him, ways I can be more patient, ways I can embrace that chaos that is my husband.  That is all a load of crap.  I have wasted 22 years of my life being married to a child.  I am now 46 and so worn down I can barely see straight.  My best years are behind me, wasted.  I am quite bitter about that, but working on it.  It was my choice to marry him at age 25 and have 2 kids.  It was my choice to stay with him through multiple jobs losses, multiple "health" issues, multiple other women, one 6-month separation.  My eyes have been wide open, I have no one to blame but myself, I am 100% clear about all of that.   I am venting and wondering why oh why DH cannot answer a simple question with a clear answer.  Still.  

  • Sometimes you just suck it up....(most times) by: Beachlover68 7 years 9 months ago

    I don't post often but read often.  Helps me keep my sanity.  23 years in w/ADD husband.  Most of the issues discussed here apply off/on to us at any given time.  He's a great man and we have foundation of unconditional love, which is a blessing not had by all...but ADD issues are a constant battle.  We're leaving for 3 night getaway for anniversary tomorrow and have been sniping at each other for days.  How sad this makes me.  So much dysfunctional communication.  He thinks he can't do anything good enough.  I feel like I'm blamed for everything.  It's such a sad, pathetic cycle for two people who actually do love each other.  Don't even know why I'm typing this.  Guess I just want validation that I'm not insane for wanting someone to choose me above everything.  To value our marriage more than his pride.  To try to see anything from my point of view.  But that's not ADD, right?!

  • Articles or Papers that Support the Idea that Treatment will improve our marriage and my parenting by: clarencelong4 7 years 9 months ago

    Ms. Orlev,

    I am a 43 year old male on the brink of divorce.  My wife and I have been separated for over five months.

    We separated at her request because I was not present for her as a husband or as a father to our son since he was born over two years ago.

    I didn't put her and our son first.  I didn't even put them second or third!  I put work, coaching other children and my own needs ahead of her and our son.

    She tried to talk to me.  We also tried marital counseling.  I was not receptive and got angry every time.  I was also frequently stressed out, depressed and moody.

     

    She was deployed for a month over the summer.  I was in charge of caring for our son, running the house and keeping up with the demands of my job.

    Nothing bad happened to our son, our house or at my job but I was frequently angry with her on the phone while she was away.

    When she came back, she asked me to move out of the house.  I tried to persuade her to change her mind but she refused so I moved out in late August.

     

    I have been living by myself, paying child support and visiting with my son 3-4 times per week.  It has been very difficult for me and I have not handled it well.

    My relationship with my wife has gotten worse and she has repeatedly made it clear that she hates me and intends to file for divorce soon.

     

    Recently I started therapy with a doctor who diagnosed with me with mild ADD.  I started taking medication and it has improved my mood and my focus.

    For example, I am not as depressed, I no longer think of suicide, I am smiling and happy at times, and I am more focused at work and also when I am playing with my son.

     

    My wife is physician with the Public Health Service.  She works at both the National Institutes of Health and Walter Reed Hospital.

    She is angry and skeptical of any my attempts at reconciliation.  She just wants to divorce me and get primary custody of our son and move on with her life.

    I am very concerned that if I tell her about my recent diagnosis of mild ADD, she will see it as another attempt to manipulate her into trying couples therapy or reconciliation.

    1)  How do I explain to her that my ADD affected my ability to be a husband and a father?  In a way that she will accept as a physician?

    2)  How do I tell her that I am working with a therapist to improve my life so that I will be a much better husband and father?

    3)  What can I do to improve our relationship?

    Any suggested articles or papers that would impress my wife that treatment of ADD does work and improves marital relationships and parenting would be greatly appreciated.

    Thank you.

  • Feeling lost! by: BS 7 years 9 months ago

    I has officially diagnosed on Monday, so thats good and it shows that Im not just crazy.  I have problems communicating with my wife though. I havent started therapy yet so I turn to you all to see if I can get some pointers or something.

     

    Things I tend to say or do, my wife takes them as signs that I do not care about her. Ill admit that I do, or have done things for others without considering her. Ill put that on me 100% In saying that I know how wrong of me it was and would not even consider repeating it again. Or for instance our wedding pictures, I had no smile at all in any of them. Why I can not tell you, That doesn't reflect how truly happy i was though. I felt so happy that we were actually legally one at that time.  Its things like that, that I cannot explain that do not reflect my true feelings and caring for her. This is what she sees and hears though. She cannot be in my mind getting a true sense of how I feel about her. I try to convey this in small actions but I dont think its enough. Or I say something and it gets all garbled up and I end up making her upset. Its maddening and I get frustrated that I cant explain things so easily or just dont know how a lot of times. I explain to her that those are not really how I feel about her but I cant blame her for not seeing it that way.

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