Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Can life with an ADHD husband cause depression? by: asha 7 years 9 months ago

    I started seeing a therapist a few months back. We've been mostly dealing with my self-confidence issues. I've already seen some important benefits. Somewhere around the time I started my therapy, my partner of 15 years (husband for 11) was diagnosed with ADHD. ANd suddenly all the suffering started making sense. (Btw, it is great that his diagnosis and me working on my issues have coincided, otherwise I don't think we would make it).

    I don't think I'll tell you anything new here. For almost 15 years we've had a dysfunctional relationship. It is as much my responsibility as is his. I stayed even though there were times when I wanted to run. At the beginning it was not like that. I guess he was less stressed, life was less demanding...

    I realize that he was doing his best but his symptoms were awful, ranging from verbal abuse, breaking stuff whenever he would get impatient and stressed to avoiding people and social situations, responsibilities,losing things, forgetting stuff etc.

    Slowly during our relationship I became more and more isolated. I have no family to begin with and to make matters worse we moved to another state and I haven't made any new friends. I made some acquaintances but that's it. I work two jobs. He too has a stable job. He was always tidy and giving his best to be responsible keeping the complexity of a life to the bare minimum. I stay in touch with 2-3 close friends, but even they do not know what's been troubling us. My husband asked me not to tell anyone. 

    Anyway, I haven't been the person I used to be since I met him (at 26). Quite the opposite.  I exist. I work. I have zero ambition. I don't want anything. I don't know what to do with my life. I used to be sociable, and now my favorite part of the day is when I am alone, reading or playing chess. How sad is that? I don't feel excitement when we discuss going on a holiday. I don't want to go anywhere. I feel as if I made a wrong turn and now I am on a narrow road and can't turn back. I feel as if I missed at least a few important opportunities. Knowing that he needs help and me giving my best to help him, I never wanted to have kids. I would never drag someone to this mess we were living and to be honest in some aspects my husband was the kid I was rearing.

    With therapy and sessions with his shrink he is getting so much better! It is amazing. He wants to help me find a better job. Until now, with me being the only one taking care of everything, I simply couldn't imagine going for a more responsible, better paying job with fixed hours. I opted for two part-time jobs that allowed me to run around and when need be help him or clean up the mess. He remembered how ambitious I was, full of energy, leading people... I asked when? And he said at work when we met... Basically before and at the very beginning of our relationship. We both laughed.

    But it made me wonder how much his ADHD, if at all, has contributed for the current state I am in. I recognize that my decision to stay was my responsibility. But is it possible to develop some sort of a depression with and ADHD partner? 

     

     

     

     

  • You can check yourself w/ these 20 items... by: c ur self 7 years 9 months ago

    I got this from an old post back from a couple of years...It really helped me to understand myself...If you deal w/ a fast mind; ( or think you might) this information (to me) is quiet accurate generally speaking (Don't agree w/ every opinion of the author)...

    If add/adhd is best scored on a sliding scale say 1-10...I'm at 6 or above on a few of these...I'm at 5 or below on several more....And then there is 5 or 6 that I do not identify w/ at all.

    C

     

     

    Understanding what a person with ADD feels like will help you become more patient, tolerant, compassionate, and loving. Your relationships will become more enjoyable and peaceful. This is what goes on in the mind of person with ADD/ADHD:

    1. They have an active mind

    The ADD brain doesn't’t stop. There’s no on/off switch. There are no brakes that bring it to a halt. It is a burden that one must learn to manage.

    2. They listen but don’t absorb what is being said

    A person with ADD will look at you, hear your words, watch your lips move, but after the first five words their mind is on a journey. They can still hear you speak, but their thoughts are in outer space. They are thinking about how your lips are moving or how your hair is out of place.

    3. They have difficulty staying on task

    Instead of keeping the focus on what’s in front of them, people with ADD are staring at the colors in the painting on the wall. Like walking through a labyrinth, they start moving in one direction, but keep changing directions to find the way out.

    4. They become anxious easily

    As deep thinkers, they are sensitive to whatever is going on around them. Being in a noisy restaurant can sound like you are standing in the front row at a Metallica concert. A depressing news snippet can set them into end-of-the-world mode.

    5. They can’t concentrate when they are emotional

    If there is something worrisome going on, or if they are upset, a person with ADD cannot think of anything else. This makes concentration on work, conversation, and social situations almost impossible.

    6. They concentrate too intensely

    When the doors of their mind open, the person with ADD dives in like a scuba diver jumping into the deep ocean.

    7. They have difficulty stopping a task when they are in the zone

    And under the deep ocean is where they stay for hours. Even when their oxygen is running low, if they are enjoying the view, they won’t come up for air until they’re almost out of oxygen.

    8. They are unable to regulate their emotions

    For a person with ADD, their emotions are flying wild, out of proportion and cannot be contained. The tangled wires in their brilliant brains make thought and feelings difficult to process. They need extra time to get their systems up and running properly.

    9. They have verbal outbursts

    Their intense emotions are hard to regulate. Since they impulsively say whatever they think, they often say things they later regret. It’s almost impossible for them to edit their words before they release them.

    10. They have social anxiety

    Feeling uncomfortable knowing that they are different, people with ADD are often uncomfortable in social situations. They are afraid they will say something foolish or react inappropriately. Holding back feels safer.

    11. They are deeply intuitive

    For people with ADD, the surface is an invisible exterior that they penetrate. They see beyond it. This is the most enjoyable aspect of ADD. This inspirational trait is what makes creative geniuses. Inventors, artists, musicians, and writers thrive in this zone.

    12. They think out of the box

    Another wonderful aspect of ADD is that because they think differently, their abstract minds see solutions to problems that the concrete thinker cannot see.

    13. They are impatient and fidgety

    Annoyed easily, wanting things to happen immediately, and constantly playing with their phones, twirling their hair, or bouncing their leg up and down; a person with ADD needs constant motion. It’s a calming Zen activity for them.

    14. They are physically sensitive

    Pencils feel heavy in their hand. Fibers in fabric that most people wouldn't’t feel can be itchy. Beds are bumpy. Food has textures you can’t imagine. Like The Princess and the Pea, they can feel a pea under twenty mattresses.

    15. They are disorganized

    Piles are their favorite method of organizing. Once a task is complete, papers related to it are placed in a pile, where they stay until the piles grow too high. That’s when the person with ADD becomes overwhelmed, frustrated, and cleans up. People with ADD have to be careful to not become hoarders. It’s hard for a person with ADD to keep things in order because their brain doesn't’t function in an orderly manner.

    16. They need space to pace

    When talking on the phone or having a conversation, people with ADD think better when they are in motion. Movement is calming and brings clarity to their thoughts.

    17. They avoid tasks

    Making decisions or completing tasks on time is a struggle. Not because they are lazy or irresponsible, but because their minds are full of options and possibilities. Choosing one can be problematic. It’s easy to avoid making decisions because they are over-thinkers. They obsess and dwell in the depths of their own minds.

    18. They can’t remember simple tasks

    Another paradoxical trait of ADD is memory. People with ADD can’t remember to pick up their clothes at the cleaners, milk at the grocery store, or appointments. On the other hand; they remember every comment, quote, and phone number they heard during the day. No matter how many post-its or calendar reminders they set; their distracted mind is always elsewhere. Visible items are easier to remember. That’s why they have fifteen windows open on their desktop.

    19. They have many tasks going on at the same time

    Due to the constant activity in their mind, once a task is finished, they are ready to move on to the next task without closing up the prior task. The more going on at once, the better. Multi-tasking is one of their favorite activities.

    20. They are passionate about everything they do

    The emotions, thoughts, words, and touch of a person with ADD is powerful. Everything is magnified. This is a blessing when channeled properly. When a person with ADD does something, they do it with their heart and soul. They give it all they’ve got. They are intense, perceptive, and deep. This quality is what makes the person with ADD so lovable.

    Basically, a person with ADD/ADHD has trouble controlling their impulses. They also have many awesome qualities that you will enjoy once you understand how they think and feel. Compassion, empathy and patience will carry you through the most difficult times. It’s important to take extra care of yourself; take alone time regularly, do what you enjoy, find a support group, a therapist or a compassionate wise friend, take frequent vacations, meditate, find hobbies and your own passion. Most of all, learn how to breathe.

    Some of the greatest inventors, artists, musicians, entrepreneurs, and writers had ADD/ADHD. They succeeded because they had a loved one just like you supporting them through their daily struggles. Replace your anger with compassion. Realize how they struggle to do what comes easy to you. Think of the ADD brain, as one with electrical wiring in the wrong circuits. Next time you think that they are lazy, irresponsible, disorganized, and avoiding responsibilities; try to remember how hard they have to work extra hard to achieve a simple task.

    Yes, ADD/ADHD people are hard to love, but once you understand the burden they are carrying, your heart will open up. Love and compassion will take the place of anger. You will see into their sweet and good soul.

     

  • New, Looking for Support, Encouragement and Advice. by: Cam 7 years 9 months ago

    My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years, married for 13. We have 3 boys and as they get older and their issues become more apparent it feels like it has brought our issues more clearly into the light. About a year ago my husband got an official diagnosis of ADHD. I was hopeful that a diagnosis would help improve certain things in our relationship that are consistent sources of conflict. These things are, poor time management, poor sleep habits- trouble waking, hyper-focus, lack of planning, impulsivity and distractibility. After his diagnosis he started taking Adderall, but that is all he has done, he doesn’t treat his ADHD with any lifestyle changes like a regular sleep/wake schedule or regular exercise. I feel disappointed because I don’t feel like anything has changed really, the only thing I notice is that the Adderall seems to help him hyper-focus on his work and his projects even more which actually makes things harder for me not easier or better, and the Adderall hasn’t helped with any of the things that cause problems in our relationship, like time management for example. When I try to discuss this with him he basically says that he feels like the medication is working and so any problems left over must be my problems, because he feels great- end of discussion.

    I want to be clear I don’t think that I am perfect or faultless or that all of our problems are only because of my husband, but I also don’t think (like he seems to) that all of our problems are my fault or because of my issues. I would classify myself as a highly sensitive person and have issues with anxiety, depression and low self-esteem.  I do feel that my husband’s behavior and way he interacts with me often exacerbates my issues.  Our 3 boys are all difficult in their own ways (lots of ADHD behaviors, anxiety, etc) and so our household tends to be very chaotic, negative and dysfunctional.  My family is like a boiling stew made up of poor emotional regulation, poor executive functioning, poor impulse control, high sensitivity topped with a generous portion of anxiety and ADHD! I can picture it being a funny sit-com, but the reality of it is completely draining.  

    My husband has always been very passive aggressive, but I only in the past few years have I really started to be aware of it and how it negatively affects our relationship. One thing he does a great deal of that causes a lot of conflict is he will say something in a critical/negative tone of voice and when I response defensively he then will accuse me of over-reacting. He will say in a completely different and calm tone, “All I said was, XYX” and when his words are said in a neutral or friendly tone it sounds completely innocent.  He stuffs his negative feeling way down deep and tries to pretend they don’t exist, and then there is me, the highly sensitive person, so I end up knowing how he feels before he even is willing to acknowledge it to himself, sigh. Since he has started medication he has started to do a lot of gas-lighting when conflict between us occurs, even straight-up telling me that I am crazy. He seems to think that since he takes a pill twice a day that he is fixed, so if there is a problem then it must be me. This is one way I feel like the medication has made things worse because he now seems extra righteous that he doesn’t have a problem anymore, so now everything is all my fault.

    One thing about my husband and my relationship that seems the opposite of what I have read about how ADHD affects a marriage is that he (the ADHD spouse) is the one who often treats me like I am incompetent. He is highly controlling about how a lot of things are done (basically anything to do with business or finances). Over the years I have just let him take over these areas of our lives because he does a good job and I don’t care how they are done, so long as someone does it and if I try to do it he micromanages me and criticizes me if I do things differently than he would. The problem is he now feels resentful that he has so many of these responsibilities to deal with even though he was the one who (because of his control issues) took over. I think it was a mistake on my part to allow him to take over because it has added to my low self-esteem, he sends me the message that I am incompetent and I go along with it. Unfortunately, I do this because it’s easier than dealing with him constantly checking up on me and treating me like I’m his employee, which also adds to my low self-esteem, It feels like a lose-lose situation for my self-esteem around him a lot of the time. Sometimes I feel like I’m the spouse with ADHD and he is the hyper-critical non-ADHD spouse that is constantly micro-managing me telling me that I’m not doing things right. I will admit that I do have some ADHDish qualities/behaviors (I interrupt a fair amount and have poor emotional regulation) but it’s not really enough for a diagnosis, although my sister has been diagnosed ADHD and takes Ritalin so it’s in the family.

     

    As the years go by my husband works longer and longer hours making him less available both physically and emotionally to me and the kids (I stay home with the kids and take care of the never-ending domestic responsibilities- this is an area he does not take over and happily leaves every single thing up to me). He also fills any possible free time with optional projects, but once these projects are started they “HAVE TO” be tended to which in his mind excuses his unavailability.  I think it’s a sub-conscious avoidance technique to not have to focus on or spend time with our family.

    We have been to therapy multiple times. It seems to help when we are doing it, but it seems like my husband almost immediately forgets what changes are supposed to be happening unless he has someone besides me reminding him every week. Our last bought of therapy was this summer with a therapist/life coach and I felt like I had made good progress within myself and the therapist seemed to agree, but my husband didn’t seem to change or progress at all and remained stuck in the mindset of “I can’t change” and “I don’t want to change”. I could tell the therapist thought he was the one that needed to keep coming to get a more balance in his life between his work and family. I wanted us to keep going, but predictably he decided that therapy was taking too much time away from work and so he just wouldn’t do it anymore, that sort of says it all to me- he couldn’t even take a hour a week to focus on strengthening our relationship.   

    I am starting to feel little hopeless and I already feel extremely lonely. I am constantly trying to be a better me and do all the hard work to get there; eat better, get more exercise, have good sleep hygiene, be social, try to be mindful, drink less, smoke less pot (yes, I said it!).  I feel like he is keeping me down. He is always encouraging me to stay up late, smoke with him, have a drink (he likes me better when I’ve had a few drinks, sigh). He doesn’t put any effort into a shared social life, because he feels fulfilled social from his work interactions. I am trying so hard to change things so that our family can feel good and happy, but he is so content with the way his life is (except for his annoying wife who wants things like attention, and quality time from him occasionally). I guess that is the root of our problem, he likes our life the way it is and I don’t. I know he loves me and under all the hurt and resentment, I love him too. I just wish loving each other made it easy. Unfortunately, now with 3 difficult children added into the mix it is hard most of the time.

    I’m wondering how others have dealt with ADHD spouses who take meds but don’t do anything else to treat their ADHD. And is it typical for meds to help the ADHD individual, but not necessarily help with interpersonal issues?

    I’m also curious if anyone else has a highly controlling ADHD spouse?  And how to deal with a passive aggressive ADHD spouse?

    Mostly I’d just like some support and encouragement. After having gone to therapy multiple times and not having anything really get better I don’t know where to turn, I feel like I don’t have anybody to go to for support anymore.

    Thanks, C

  • TOTALLY DIFFERENT A by: totpea 7 years 9 months ago

    So quickly:

    I come from a big blended family. We are very loud, educated and ADHD. Living in a foreign Country, my parents had to deal with some of my siblings showing symotoms of ADHD but never diagnosed. Mostly because my parents didn't believe in ADHD. I was always inattentive but got a formal diagnosis at 17.

    I met my partner a few years later and we moved in together, he is very OCD organised and intelligent. After a few months together we moved to a different city after i got my college degree. somehow, due to my forgetfulness i got pregnant and we had a baby then another immediately after.  (which drove him nuts). I have been able to manage most of my symptoms especially the outburst, impulsiveness but still interrupt when people speak.

    Problem 1: I told him at the start of our relationship i had add which has resulted in laughter and him saying that it didn't exist. whilst living together, we have gotten into argument about me forgetting to do tasks and breaking promises which considering my situation has resulted in me apologising and trying to fix my mistakes. I am very knowledgeable about my abilities and weaknesses and strive to reach my potential. Also, i had a job and study part time but i am messy and forgetful especially with my keys, cards and wallet, so i understand his annoyance

    But problem is my partner only shames me, it seems defensive as i have read diiferents account from non-adhd spouses being nagged at and. So it involves words like stupid, block head and i should be ashamed of myself that i cant do basic things despite being educated. this also involves using things about my family including alcohol dependancy, hoarding   to spite me to get things done. It seems to him that my excuse of not being able to close the doors properly or switch off the lights is me being lazy, inconsiderate and careless.

    So i am actually very organised and have a list of tasks everyday, but i stick to the most important things and it seem that even when i do all the most important things that my partners gets offended when i leave out the basics like taking out the dishes after they have been washed. It seems like a cycle with arguments, frustration and crying because i am exhausted. He believes that i dont deserve appreciation if my work is not done properly.

     

    I do all the domestic work and i get nagged at, I recently lost my job because of relocation and i understand that he is stressed and i need to find a job but i just cant and that drives my partner crazy. He doesn't see anything wrong in being emotionally abusive since it is my faut he is so angry.

    He is not interested in knowing anything about ADHD and just wants me to get off my butt and do what he wants me to do or needs to be done.

    i dont know what to do. I dont have a job and care for two toddlers and i am just confused aabout what kind of help i should be looking for.

    N,B This is me being nice about how he treats me

  • Help with ADHD and safety! by: Csno 7 years 9 months ago

    My husband has severe ADHD.  While this makes him the "fun outgoing one" it is the most frustrating thing to me and is only seeming to get worse.  The "drop and go" messy, unorganized way he is, the leaves cabinets and drawers open, zones out on computer games is SO frustrating but safety issues are now the biggest problem.  We have twin 4 year olds and my son is on the autism spectrum, sensory seeking, and no safety awareness.  I have told my SO countless times he has to keep things picked up like we have an infant that can climb anything because our son will put everything in his mouth and will take anything off of a counter.  It is so stressful and frustrating that I can't rely on him to do this.  I can never relax or trust him alone with the twins and do "sweeps" of my house every night and morning before I leave.  Yesterday he left a pair of sharp scissors on our nightstand and I asked him to put them away before he got in bed....after a reminder when he was getting in bed...he takes them to the kitchen and just lays them down on top of a toy my son plays with!  I wouldn't have know if I didn't get up after him to check....I'm so tired of being so stressed out and feeling like I'm married to a child at times.  The doors get left open (my son is a runner), stove gets left on, scissors and knives on the counter....When I complain and really try to do it nicely he tells me to go take some alone time and go work out, etc. but doesn't understand I can't relax leaving them with him! He wont take medicine because he says it changes his personality too much to be good at his job and turns it around on me when I tell him I can't keep living like this.  Any advice on what to do????

  • Vent - Ramble - probably makes no sense... but today my wedding ring burns me by: SpaceyStacey197... 7 years 9 months ago

    Last night I confirmed something I long suspected and something inside me just... I dont know... changed.  Became calm.  I know that where I "rank" in level of importance is very low, lower than his "friends".  These friends who are NEVER there for him, who do not do anything for him (unless it benefits them), are NOT the ones to help him through things, be there for him etc (other than letting him pay rent to live in their spare room) will always come before me.  I kinda knew it before, but I REALLY know it now.  Last night I went out with some girlfriends, and there was a bit of drama/gossip.  He always asks me if there was any drama, and normally I would tell him.  But this bit could possibly involve one of these friends.  And I knew that even if he told me that he wouldnt say anything - I could not trust him.  And that made me sad.  I knew that him wanting to talk to this friend would outweigh his responsibility to keep my confidence. I should not have said anything at all, but I said there was some drama, but unconfirmed and as soon as I said I realized I made a mistake.  And since I am committed to being genuine, I told him that I didnt feel like I could trust him to keep the information private because he would want to bring it up to this group of friends or at least a specific person - when he pressed me on telling him.  I had suspicions about a particular person in this group of friends and where she "lived in his head" compared to me, and when I said that I knew that there were some people that he would betray me for  - he immediately said "Like (person)?"... and wow.  Would have been better to have stabbed me in the back with a knife and let me bleed out than to have done that.  How could he have said that and NOT known what it actually meant.   Sad thing is - I am not a "gossiper" by any stretch, but I have always believed that secrets between spouses are poisonous - I can keep a secret to the grave, but I have never kept anything from him and I make sure that anyone confiding me understands that I do not feel its right to keep things from my husband  - and NOT that I would go out of my way to tell him, but I would be 100% truthful should he ask me (gives them the choice to continue to share if they choose).  I still believe that 100%.  But... he isnt' my spouse really - is he..  Only in name, and only until he can gather up what he wants before he can leave to lead his glorious single life as a middle aged man with bad hygene, horrible health, complete lack of self control and dicipline - but he will at least 'THINK' he is in control - because he can do what ever he wants and ignore the very real responsibilities he has in life.  More power too him.

     

    How does anyone deal with that?  Knowing that your spouse would break their faith with you, in favor of another person.  Male or female - doesnt matter.  I guess I should not care.  And I think a part of me cares less and less.  I mean - F!@(*$&!  He doesnt even wear his dammed ring (because OMG that ring feels controlling - LOL just WOW).  And it just became so clear... AGAIN...  that I am again, being manipulated.  I wish I was wrong.  Just two days ago he snapped at me because he was frustrated with what he was working on.  I pointed out that he would never treat this group of friends like he treats me - even in his most frustrated state so why did he think it was OK to treat me like that?  He said he knew it wasnt, and apologized.  I least I got that right?

     

    For almost a year he has been trying, and doing things nicely.... but I don't understand why.  Why, when its so clear that I am not important enough that he could keep a secret between , if it potentially involved on of his friends - he would betray that to tell this particular person  (who CLEARLY doesn't have that same devotion to him - but you would never convince him of that).  Why would he make such changes - and act like a husband when he has no intention of BEING one?  I mean - again - he doesn't even fucking wear his ring.  I still wear mine, because *I* have what it takes to at least keep my word.  My honor is preserved and in tact.  But he has point blank said that he is abandoning me at some future point that he has in his head.  So is this just to play house while he is here?  Is all this ...normalness... just to keep me in line so I dont decide to just pull the plug before he has all he wants?  His way to control me - yet again?  Probably.

     

    Sad thing is - I know it.  And I still choose to act with love with him.  He will probably think he is "winning" what ever dumb game he is playing in his head.  But he isnt.  I am deeply aware of what he is doing and why.  But I still choose to act with love in everything I do.  Because in the end, I will never let him control me again.  I will never let him manipulate my emotions again.  And I choose to act with love for ME.  Because it makes me a better person every day.  Because its fucking hard and not the easy path of least resistance.  Because putting my dammed ring on - that represents so much hurt, betrayal and lies -  is FUCKING HARD.  But I promised to do it, and I am a better person for holding my honor and character above his reach of manipulation.  And one day - when we are no longer bound, this ring will come off and it wont burn me anymore.  But until then - I keep my word, I act with love, and I will build my life slowly but surely.  I am no weak, fearful person who cant hack my own commitments.  I *do* have what it takes and I wont let someone's mistreatment of me and lack of value in me dictate to ME how I will behave.  I know my value, I know my worth and I refuse to act in a way that is beneath that.  I dont want to be that person who runs away from stuff because its hard.  You get nothing in life by running away in fear.  He is leaving, its his choice, and I will be better than OK.

     

    I am sorry I rambled - and if you read all the way through - THANKYOU.  I just needed to vent and get this out.  Its just another slash to add to my "death by papercuts" marriage...

     

     

  • Is it over? by: BS 7 years 9 months ago

    Hello, Ive been coming here quite often recently after discovering that I have ADHD along with OCD. I havent been diagnosed with them yet, I go in next week. Just seeing all of the symptoms and stories that sound exactly like mine though.  So on with my story.

    I am married going on six years in July, we have always had problems and I always blame myself for pretty much all of them. There were some things I regret doing. The biggest being that I had a picture of another women that I had kept secretly,or tried to. It wasn't someone I was trying to make any plans with, in fact they didn't even live in the country  but I was talking to her before my wife and I got together. Lied about it because I was ashamed and embarrassed among other feelings of guilt. I completely understand her not believing me or trusting me after that. 100% I do. That was in fact one thing that she hates the most Lies. Plus there is the added fact that she was diagnosed with high anxiety a long time ago, before we got together and a myriad of really bad relationships that shes had. We have also had all the classic arguments. Me spending a ton of money using credit cards things like that. I have since stopped those behaviors. I start many things and never finish, house is always messy, we also have a two year old and 18 month old. The 18 month old seems to have an anxiety disorder as she can not do anything at all with out him screaming until she and usually only she picks him up. She cant get things done due to that plus the fact that I dont usually make things better. Household chores and responsibilities. Usually fall on her. and just things like that that constantly get brought up over and over. I get that she has a really difficult time letting things go and thinks about them almost daily she has told me, but Ive read and also feel that just clinging to these and always bringing them up will not allow us to move on and heal. Since Ive discovered that I have ADHD and OCD I have begun to think about what I can remember from my past with her and beyond. I can pretty much answer most of it with " that sounds like it was a sign or warning of this or that" It also sounded like I had ODD when I was younger as well. Back to present day. Now when we argue if I even hint at ADHD or OCD being the reason that its affecting what I do, am doing or cant remember something i should be remembering. I get that its only being used as an excuse. I tried to say it in a way that was not using them as an excuse but I feel that is her only thought on the topic when I bring it up. She always tells me that I dont care about her and would rather be doing something else that something with her. Far from the truth and everytime I tell her that I DO actually care and why it is not being seen that way or why I am not able to show it as easily as it is for others. She has recently joined a afacebook group and added as an administrator for it as well. She is on that phone most of the time when I see her after work or durring the weekend. Now, I know I was on my phone a lot and she told me she didnt like it. It took me some time but I am not on as nearly as much any more. Especially after we get the kds to bed. Sometimes Ill get on it when I see her on hers but I try so hard to not get on mine. I have been putting it on the charger away from me, and that helps. She told me that she feels like I rush her to get things done only when I want to do something. I see that. Again I want her to be able to do things too, even though something is compelling me to do otherwise. just this week, I wanted to get intimate and I let her know. We got the kids to bed eventually, watched a show and unwound a bit. I kissed her while she was on the phone doing her thing on facebook. So she says she just needs to finish something reall quick. Goes to put it up on the charger while im sitting waiting for her to come back. She stood there for a couple minutes still going so I decided I was going to get up and try to start kissing her again while she does that. BIG mistake. She went to put up the phone then some things fell and she just got really irritated at me and said all I was doing is making her get off the phone and rushing her. Which, ok I was and I felt sorry about it. I tend to say sorry a lot, I dont know if anyone else with ADHD does that alot. So I ruined that, mind you its been a rough couple weeks lately and not much has happened in that area if at all.  Again in bed after that she tells me that thats why she thinks we need a break and again that I do not care about her at all.    I just dont know what to do any more. Ive given her a couple articles about ADHD marriages and a link to this site because they've help me out to understand so much about myself. I asked her if she could take a look at them. I dont think she has though. I do know she has read one thing at least. I dont think that she is understanding what it is and what Im actually going through myself. I know her anxiety affects her a lot and ive read things and try to help and understand when she may being having an attack or something. And I don't get mad at her because I feel like Ive done so much to hurt her that I dont deserve to get angry with her at all.  I just wish She would read more so she can get a better understanding about it and maybe see that things i do or say are not a portrayal of me. Its like my evil twin.     I just dont know what to do any more.

  • Spending more time together may kill our 35-year marriage by: Bkfindley 7 years 9 months ago

    Due my husband's retirement and my current unemployment, we are suddenly sharing lots of time together.  We've been married for 35 years and I've always understood that his ADHD was an issue, and I've given him the benefit of the doubt for all of that time.  But today he told me that I can't start talking to him any more unless I'm sure he isn't thinking about something, or I can see that he isn't doing something - because it makes him very angry when I distract him and he loses his train of thought.  This came up because I asked him to quit being so mean to me when I try to talk with him sometimes.  I'm floored, and seriously wondering if we'll make it to 36 years.  Right now I'm trying to stay out of his space, and if I need to talk to him I go stand in the same room that he's in until he notices me and I'm sure he's prepared to hear me speak.  I figure I can do this for awhile, but I can see a day coming very soon when I'll throw in the towel.  I don't know if anyone has any suggestions, but mostly I just wanted to tell someone about this because nobody will understand why I walked away after 35 years.  Thanks for being there to listen!

  • Separation, Limbo, What is ADD Love? by: Zoom 7 years 9 months ago

    My husband and I have been separated, amicably, for more than a year after having been together for 16 years. We're both working on ourselves, supportive of each other, and trying to find our own paths without expectation. During our time apart, we've both read about ADD and independently have come to believe that we both have it. Ironically, I think this realization is strengthening our connection and gives me some hope for our future together … we have an tween daughter and co-own a business together.

    On the plus side, I've estimated that we've avoided at least 17,000 - 28,000 fights because we both have ADDish tendencies and are patient and understanding of these life/culture implications (that's 3-5 fights per day we avoided because both "we get it" and don't get mad at each other). For example, I forget to pay health insurance and we lost coverage and instead of yelling he shrugged/smiled: "I know you'll fix it when you can," or we are both late meeting each other because we both can't find our car keys and both can't text because we both forgot to charge our cell phones, or I'd burn another pot because I heat up my tea in it and forget it is on the stove and he'd open windows to get out the burnt smell and ask calmly if it is worth the effort to try to salvage the pot again or just throw it out, and all family members got used to living out of clean bins of laundry near the dryer because he'd never fold clothes or transport them to dressers/closets when he was the stay-home-dad (now separated and in charge of my own laundry, I do the same thing!).

    So why did we separate? Things started great when we lived in the city together and had exciting, fast-paced, deadline-driven jobs. We got a country house five years later when our daughter was born and he did the back and forth for a while and I was able to transition to self-employment. Things went down hill fast when we decided to live in the country full time. He gave up his job, we lost the excitement of the city, he got fired from his new job in the country, developed somatic back pain and depression when he became the stay at home dad, and numbed out. I saw him become unmotivated, irritable, isolated, a chronic *** smoker, cocky/unlikable to others, his sex-drive decreased. I became over-worked, resentful, exhausted, the sole bread-earner, barely able to keep up executive functioning household tasks, turned to food, filled my life with a busy work/social/volunteer schedule to be away from him (he complained about his back and never wanted to go out as a family, just smoked and watched tv), he says I became too controlling with money. Sometimes I'd developed "drug crushes" with men I now realize were ADHD because our brains/energy synched up when we'd become hyper focused together and obsessed with interests/projects/creativity together (I mean the connections were like a drug, no actual drugs for me). They were platonic connections but stirred up a deep longing and loneliness inside along with the highs of that intense connection and the lows when they ended. These connections understandably hurt him, most of all because he felt I wasn't interested in him anymore. I felt trapped in my life, fell out of love with my H, wanted a separation. He said a separation wasn't what he wanted but if I needed that to be happy, he would.

    In separation, his sense of self is improving through his depression meds and his work efforts at the business we started (not making much of a profit yet but he has stepped up to work hard for the first time in many years). He has always been a good communicator, he is loving and kind, has never cheated on me, is not physically or verbally abusive, but still smokes *** a lot, still hangs out with very troubled souls, isn't really facing his childhood abuse, is oddly unlikable in the company of my friends but he's generally a sweet, good guy when we're alone. I feel like I'm making progress with rewiring my brain/autonomic nervous system through somatic therapy. I've been focusing on our daughter, being present for/attuned to her, and creating more stability/predictability in our home environment (arriving at airports really early so she doesn't experience life running down the gangplank every time we fly anymore). I'm in debt and financially carrying all of us, but I still have a specialized skill that pays well and believe I can undig if I procrastinate less and take on more jobs. It is a transition to get off the adrenaline roller coaster and just live life in a more simple, let-the-emotions-come-up-and-feel-them way.

    It is hard to be in limbo with my husband. I'm feeling more grounded/together and am ready for a relationship again. I can't tell if we've got a deep connection or if my self-esteem is low and I'm putting up with something that is objectively pretty bad, or maybe his self-esteem is low and he's putting up with a woman who has a hard time letting his love in. I'm wondering if we should both get proper evaluation for ADD and possibly try meds. I think we're realizing we were both putting up walls that prevented us from experiencing a deeper connection/more intimacy in our marriage.

    Any advice for getting out of limbo or how to evaluate my situation?

  • a new year's decision by: dvance 7 years 9 months ago

    So I made a decision: DH and I have been seeing a marriage counselor since the dawn of time and we each want different things--he has hope that things will get better, I want to figure out how to deal with the reality we find ourselves in.  We don't fight, I am paying down our debt, DH helps with the kids, makes dinner when he works from home, the news is not all bad.  What's bad is there is virtually no emotional connection.  There has not been anything physical in 18 months.  We don't go out, either by ourselves or with other couples.  There is no romance, no tenderness, nothing to distinguish us from platonic roommates, so that is what I think we should get used to.  Everything that makes a marriage a satisfying relationship has dropped away in the past 5 years, slowly but surely.  So, at our first therapy appointment in January I said that: let's just figure out how to live like roommates.  I cannot come in here every week and act like there is hope for more when there is not, it's a waste of time and money.  I feel much more free the past two weeks.  I don't have to worry about everything I say or do being misconstrued and I find myself actually being kinder to him, like how I would treat a friend.  For 21 years, there has been bizarre behavior, unclear communication, other women, secrets and lies, sketchy financial stuff, a 6-month separation, a military deployment, PTSD from the war, periods of unemployment--all this is him and I have to hold me and my two boys together in the middle of the hurricane that is this ADHD man that I am stuck with.  So you know what?  I am closing down the parts of me that can get hurt by him or confused by him or let down by him or misunderstood by him.  My actual feelings for him are not enough to make this marriage satisfying--how much I love him isn't even a consideration any more and over time I find I don't love him like a husband, but like a friend that I feel bad for.  I regret all the wasted years.  I regret that I didn't choose a more stable person for a husband and father of my kids.  I regret that our finances got so messy thanks to many periods of unemployment and bad decisions that we have no money to send our oldest to college.  I regret that at age 46, my only desire is to be left alone.  I regret that the soft parts of me have been forced out, that there is no fun, no romance, and frankly not much to look forward to.  BUT...I am starting to let that go because all of that only hurts me--DH has no idea and likely wouldn't know how to respond even if he did.  So we will live like polite roommates for the next two and a half years and then see where we are.  So much has been sucked out of me I don't know if it will ever come back.  Add to the marriage a 17 year old who OD'd last year and spent 8 weeks in rehab and a 15 year old with Asperger's.  Not a lot of extra brain power to make big life changing decisions!  

    So I feel good that I was honest in therapy--I cannot continue to hope this will change.  I have nothing left to give and so how could it possibly get better.  I am making my life sound much more bleak than I mean it to--I LOVE my job and my kids are on decent paths finally but they are still a lot of work.  I have lots of friends that I do things with.  I feel better being realistic, not pretending.  Sad maybe, but that will pass.

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