I wanted to make a positive post about the progress that my wife is making in accepting her part of our relationship problems which I can start by saying her end of the legitimate things she has had to deal with on my end?  In our own way....each of us has had to put up with more than we have been able to deal with effectively ( and learn to cope ) with the unacceptable a times which I could easily evaluate as a category in in itself?

1)  Learning how to cope and learning how to accept the unacceptable?  In respect to someone who is fighting you and in denial of their part or responsibility of the problems.....I think this is all you can do until ( when or if? ) they decide they have had enough and are ready to look at themselves ( seriously )....and look hard and close at what they really don't want to look at or admit to themselves.

Speaking directly from my own experience.....this is a large pill to swallow and it can easy get "stuck"...on the way down so to speak?  I liken it to one of my dogs  in the past ( a female Doberman I owned who was stubborn beyond all get out ).....when you had to give her a pill for incontinence since she was "leaking" all over the house and causing a real problem if you can imagine? ( a stinky one by no fault of her own ).  We found that a daily dose of Estrogen...did the trick, but that meant ....getting the pill down her throat every day which was exactly what she didn't like? ( can you blame her? LOL )

FYI:  Dobermans are wonderful animals and do not deserve the reputation they get as being vicious guard dogs.  I know.....I've heard all the old wives tales about how they're brains are too small and they turn on the their masters and are unpredictable time bombs of muscle and ferocious temperament and razor sharp teeth and will attack nearly anything that moves?  Well...comparing the 3 Dobermans that I did own in the past....to my two 5 and 6 pound Papillion that I own now  ( one nick named Poo...for Little Shit ) who's got an attitude problem as big as Texas. LOL  Rather vocal and a huge tendency for back talking and a "little man syndrome" that has always got to win in every thing!!!  Or the other one who is named Po ...who runs away the second you call want him to come or want him to do anything? Dobermans in comparisons are pussy cats and big lap dogs when it comes to actual behaviors that are "frightening" or even "aggressive"...in reality?

I'm making this distinction here because I don't think that people or the person you are with ( depending on which is worse? )  have things about them that are most likely beyond annoying anymore and are really causing a disruption in your life and dogs are no different?  They each come with what ever particular "brand of annoyance" not of your choosing...which now you have to live with...or simply get rid of them?  And because I get very attached to my animals....getting rid of them is never an options?  I have had 1 cat live to 22 years old.  One dog who lived until 15...and only one animal I ever owned...did I lose prematurely from being hit by a car......and all the others have died or were put down due to age and it was their time to go?  I am even loyal to my animals because they are loyal with me and I give them the same respect and courtesy as I received from them?  I do feel strongly principled in respect to this...and there is a mutual respect of reciprocity that I tend to live by as a means of respecting myself....more than anything else?  If you don't understand how that related back to me for myself...then you'll have to figure that one out on your own but I feel....was worth mentioning because this is one the of the qualities I think you must have in order to deal with anything of this nature....man or beast?

Anyway....back to my pain in the ass female Doberman?  As I started to say....Dobbies are actually wonderful pets and have many great qualities including being good guard dogs...that is,  only in that people seem to be afraid of them and mostly for no good reason other than they can be intimidating?  That they can be.....but only if you are afraid of them?  Like I was mentioning....my little dog Poo is about 20 times more intimidating.....but because of his size and the fact that he could barely do more damage that puncture your skin if he really got down to it.....he gets away with murder in comparison and my Dobermans were "Angels"....in the disposition and behavior department compared to my 5 lbs Papillon?

That is....aside from just this one female named Kali.  Kali.....was a royal pain in the ass of a dog because she was so willfull and stubborn...even for a Doberman?  And with that on top of it...she leaked urine all over the house and was ruining the carpet and furniture and creating a "stench"...that was becoming "overwhelming"....when you first walked in the door?  When we finally found something that worked to stop this incontinence problem....now came another problem?  Getting the pills down her throat!!!  And going along with what I just said.....it come to blows between the two of us over this...and I finally had to stick my entire hand in her mouth and shove that pill......down her throat!!!  Literally!!! LOL

And the reason for that is because they are such smart animals and they learn...rather quickly....to get around what they don't want to do?

First....I did as the Vet suggested and put the pill inside something she liked to eat or her food?  I would come back and check her food bowl..and all that would be left was the pill sitting at the bottom of the bowl? LOL

Next.....I tried tricking her with her favorite "Treat" of all.....Peanut Butter...by making a Peanut Butter Ball..and sticking the pill inside that and gave that to her to eat?  And instead of inhaling it like she normally would do....she would roll it around on her tongue until she found the pill and spit on the ground and continued to eat the Peanut Butter anyway? lol

Then....I tried just sticking the damn pill in her mouth and took my finger and shoved it to the back of her throat which I finally found that worked.  Or so I thought?  I began hearing this "choking sound" coming from the other room where she would intentionally sneek off to.....to cough the pill up and leave it on the floor?  When I finally realized this is what she was doing.....I stated finding  wet or partially dissolved Estrogen pills in variously nooks and crannies on the floor in different rooms around the house since she had learned to hold the pill in the back of her throat ...refusing to swallow it...and then run off and cough it up and try and hide that from me instead. LOL

Finally....it came to a show down between the two of us?  Either I got that pill down her throat everyday to stop the incontinence problem....or I had to get rid of her because the problem was that bad?  So there we were....just the two of us....looking at each other..and the kid gloves had to come off so to speak?  If you can picture an 80lbs female Doberman and me standing there with a pill in my hand....I finally had to tackle her and put a reversal wrestling move on her by grabbing her rear legs and flipping her onto the ground..and then lay on top of her pinning her to the ground and then taking her by the her snout.....and pulling her entire mouth open ( manually with one hand ) and take my other hand...and literally shove my fingers so far down her throat...that I could feel her "insides" of her esophagus to the point it was too far down her throat...to cough it up any more. 

And her last ditch effort to try and stop me was to try and intimidate me by growling or snarling at me right before I did that and since I knew better...and knew her well enough to know that this was a bluff....when I got her on the ground and had her pinned...I got right her face and looked her in the eye...and growled right back at her with my face 1" from hers staring her down while I had her pinned to the ground!! LOL  There was no way.....no how....she was going to "win" or beat me....this time! LOL

And just to make mention again.....she never ever "bit me" or even "chopped down on me" once.....during this entire process?  Not even broke the skin....which as I mentioned.....Poo ...has been known to do....by just trying to pick him up sometimes...when he has not wanted to go...where you want him to go...as a means to compare these two animals? Poo...is a very very bad dog sometimes!!! LOL  But at 5lbs....the damage is negligible? LOL

On the other hand....Kali and I ...finally came to terms with this Estrogen Pill issue...and eventually ..she got the point...where she would stand there on a daily basis..and actually open her mouth up and allowed me to shove my fingers down her throat voluntarily with the caveat.....that if I didn't shove the pill down far enough and she could....she would still cough it up behind my back if I failed to get it down there far enough?  That never changed....but I rarely forgot to ...."shove it"....with her. lol

I am not about to say or compare a person to a dog in respect to the process I just explained and this issue I had with Kali my Doberman?  But the corollaries I can make her are not all that much different in my experience with people as well?  Unfortunately....and as much as  we may want to.......you can't take you partner or spouse......and throw them to the ground and put a wrestling hold on them , sit on them...and then stick your hand down their throat and force them to swallow the pill of denial? LOL  But sometimes.....we wish we could, and that's a pretty close analogy in respect to humans beings and that much is very true!!! LOL 

First and foremost....you would find yourself in jail if you did that so this...is clearly not an option!! LOL  But I think this story is not all that far from what I just experienced with my wife at this point in time...and I also get the same feeling that the worst of it...is now over? And in the same way I respect the intelligence and know for a fact .....that Dobermans are the 4th smartest dogs breeds of all the dog breeds...and are highly intelligent animals?  And because of that more than anything...they seem to have a very strong will and a mind of their own..and this is not any different I feel....than humans sometimes.  Kali...was her own worst enemy in respect to the fact....that for her own good...and for her own health and well being and quality of life ( beyond creating a real problem for me and the "stink" from this issue she had )  .....what I did...was for her...as much as it was for me....and in the end....this story had a happy ending...but not without going through everything I went through...to finally get her to swallow a pill...that made her life and mine....a happier one than before?  She finally passed away...at almost 14 years old.....going back almost 10 years previously.....to that moment or show down I had with her over this swallowing a stupid pill....that "didn't hurt her"....one tiny bit?

It is hard for me to rmemeber exactly...the entire process I had to go threw ( over time in stages and with a lot of going back and forth...in and out of denial )  until I finally accepted that these issues that I have and all the struggles with trying to get control of them....were causing a lot of problems for other people...and I had to admit...that I was the one with the problem.....not everyone else in respect to my ADHD?  But in the same way I witnessed with my dog Kali.....I finally volentarily opened my mouth..and took my medicine as I knew ZI needed to do?  And once that happened and once I turned the corner so to speak.....I really never went back to the old "stance"  I had....and I no longer could use the same rationalizations or excuses...once I was able to see it for what it is...and my part of the equation and the light bulbs...started going on in my head....which is when I stopped....doing what I had done before?

What I said recently here....if I had my wish.....was that I could be with someone who believed in me...as the first one on the list?  If I look back in retrospect to my wife and I together.....what I did, without realizing this....was give to my wife...the very thing that I wanted the most.  I believed she could change and my own experience told me so.....so by believing my instincts and my experience with that my self...and taking some of these lessons from my animal friends as well.....not giving up, and knowing it's a process....all I needed was the internal fortitude and courage to do it....in the face of someone trying to intimidate you out of doing so...and trying their best by any means possible...to spit that pill back out on to the floor...until I found a way to get them to swallow it volentarily..and finally give in to trying to fight me over what was actually in their best interest...as well as mine?

Just recently after another moment of where it appears darkest before Dawn?  It appears the sun finally did come up...and I have to comment my wife for putting up with me...and doing so for her self...which takes courage beyond measure to do...and shows a great of amount of character in doing so?  Character...and integrity....despite....being a pain in the ass and being as stubborn as a mule?  Or ...a female Doberman?  Take your pick? LOL

J

Dobermans.....Mans Best Friend?

https://youtu.be/XR5Cwz6kiQ0

https://youtu.be/9f1zKqUvqj8

https://youtu.be/9f1zKqUvqj8

I had this conversation with a good friend yesterday.

There is a grief, a chaos, a let-down at the retirement of a once productive person.  We once were parents, professionals with purpose, prestige and identities of that purpose, producers of money, of working homes for family, of guidance, of production, of beauty, of art.  We find ourselves now not knowing what we want....not knowing our purpose or even our own hearts.  Because we didn't want much for ourselves but we "wanted" for others. Our jobs were as caretakers of the well-being for others or for the well-being of the institution that supplied us with money. Now, it seems those others don't want us to serve in those ways anymore or we realize that there is no appreciation for what we were doing.  Especially for women, a "not knowing what WE want" seems to hit us with surprise.  Because our lives did not function on the road of what we wanted.  We were in service to the world, to our parents and siblings,  to our children, to our employers, to our clients, to our students, to our patients,  to our churches, to our neighborhood.

What do I want?  I don't know.  I can't seem to make out a bucket list or a to do list without it being about and for others.  Were we fooling ourselves in making our lives about other people?  It also seems as though some women of a certain ilk that I know who I used to deem "self-centered divas" are now crowned with adoration by those people they once "governed" rather than "served". How did I have it so wrong on my "how to be" plan? I know of people who have lived their lives for themselves with strong boundaries, with strong ideas about what they want moment to moment. They seem happier than I am now...as thought they had some information about life that missed me. 

I have a young diva granddaughter like this.  She is a pain in the butt sometimes when she so strongly declares that she wants the yellow one not the green one....with a fight to the death will to get her way for something that is inconsequential....she just wants her way.  She often gets her way just by wearing people down with belligerence. Will she be loved more than her sister who gives and works hard for the safety and comfort and well-being of others, being empathic and caring and considerate?  Is that the way the world works?

I am dismayed that life rewards those who are strong willed and pushy and grabby.  

Would it be wise to teach my other kind, considerate granddaughter to know what she wants and grab it, not thinking so much about those she might have to step on to get it?

Shall I be careful to not quash my strong-willed granddaughter's fiestyness for what she wants?

I am surprised how much I don't know at this age.  I used to think I was smart and that I was brought up good. Young people who set themselves up as "experts" on life issues do not know how the world turns and culture and views change.  The older we get the more we know we don't know for sure.

What is the lesson for me?  That is what I am trying to get at.  Will H be more beloved by our children than I because he has a stronger self-will and I seem to have no will at all except to serve? Was I no more than a "hired hand", a waitress, cook, cleaning lady, chafeur, teacher?  While H was a character, a personable, unpredictible, aloof mystery?....a person of interest? a buddy on par with the children?

Then how does a person who was bred to serve stop it and give herself permission and take steps toward a strong-willed self? I don't know if I want that.  I don't know what I want.  And if a person doesn't know what they want, how do they know where to go and what to do? How does a person have passion if they don't know what they want?  

My SO of four years recently separated from me. After weeks of us being apart, he explained that the reason for the break up is because he thinks he is no longer in love with me. He is diagnosed ADHD but is untreated. Stress has been affecting his life and I'm afraid the added stress caused his symptoms to worsen. Reading up about how ADHD affects relationships has truly shed light on some of the issues we had in our relationship. He often told me he thought he didn't love me enough because he didn't pay attention to me even though he wanted to. Unfortunately, I am realizing how ADHD effected our relationship after we have separated. I do not think he is aware of how much ADHD has effected us. I suppose what I am ultimately looking for feedback on is whether or not individuals with ADHD tend to feel like they "fell out of love" because they don't know how to regulate their feelings. I'm also looking for opinions on how to address these issues when we are currently not in communication. Our relationship outside of the symptoms was excellent and after recognizing exactly what was going on, I am willing to work towards a healthy relationship. I am concerned about his emotional state and would like advice on healing our relationship from this point.

In my previous post recently I put a link to a site concerning an article......NOT video/audio. Once at the site on the left hand side scroll until you see an article titled....Reconciliation With Your Hardened Wife. THIS is what I am referring to. The written and video do not seem to contain the same info.

I would like to add...in my view......that at some point.......as humans.....enough is enough. Decisions need to be made. Whether they are right or wrong will play out also. Striving to love and do a "right" thing. Sometimes a right decision IS NOT.....in the end. Sometimes you can make it right.....sometimes you can't. Trusting MYSELF to handle the outcome is ,to me, the biggest obstacle to my success....at anything. We search for ...input, advice, direction,answers etc. I seek.....not to find ones in agreement with me......but for one who offers another view and thoughts to give me a broader scope of possibilities in the hope that I may not be "missing" something. Yes,I find agreement where someone articulates my thoughts/feelings. I appreciate it. Just as I appreciate someone saying something that makes the "light bulb" go on.

What I have learned in the past several months.....has been amazing to me. This site is invaluable in navigating adhd and marriage in general as that is representative so often in relationship(adder versus non). It helps you see also that adhd is not the cover all excuse for behavior....not just in a marriage but PERIOD.

This article spoke FOR ME. After 43 years of marriage.......not wanting to WALK but finding that that is where I am headed........I did NOT EVER think I would BE thinking and feeling such a thing. It made me question EVERYTHING about me.....so like I said........enough is enough.

My husband said to me a few months back......." you have become hard hearted" ....and I didn't disagree. I hated how I felt. I could not understand WHAT has happened with me? WHY can't I do/be the person I USED to be? It drove me nuts because I refused to believe there was ANYTHING that could cause me to become someone I had NO desire to BE!! Oh wait........I do not live a solitary/single life......I am sharing my life daily, minute by minute with another person. I CHOSE that. He CHOSE that. I am OVER the gray area of what love means. If we have differing definitions and they uplift us...great. If they are differing and they ARE HURTFUL........not going to work....period. 

I DID have an expectation of loving and being loved when I married.......I am done with listening to that being debated and turned into anyone who thinks that is not thinking fairly. WTH! 

" Sadly, most husbands have few memories of “hurting” their wives. But let all such men consider – if a woman does something as extreme as leave her mate, claiming she can no longer handle the emotional pain, isn’t it likely she is, in fact, in pain? (If emotional feelings could bleed, a man would see a trail of blood following his wife as she leaves him.) The truth is that a hardened woman only got that way because her feelings got hurt over and over. Herein lies the problem – most women believe that they have communicated their hurt to their husbands, but most husbands only have memories of their wife’s bad attitudes. All those times a wife thought she was simply expressing the cry of an injured heart, her husband only perceived hostility, coldness, or hatred. She felt like she was begging for tenderness and sensitivity, and he backed away because he thought he was being attacked. My experience is that most women leave their husbands, because they entered marriage with expectations of feeling cherished and secure, and their husbands unwittingly have sent the message that they are not. Hence, those women end up feeling defrauded, then often bitter and hardened."

In the end......if 2 people who supposedly love each other CANNOT have an honest open discussion about ANYTHING.........?