My recently diagnosed ADHD Husband does work at things and does complete them HOWEVER he will work on them day and night (without sleep) until he completes them and usually ends up frustrated and miserable!

Last night he started to plow our driveway at 5:00pm and didnt come in until 1:00am! It looked to me that he completed everything around 6:30 (our driveway was done!) but then he said he wanted to go plow the pond for skating (which I thought was unnecessary but I didn't say anything because he always has justification for WHY he wants to do unnecessary things). Then he comes in around 9:00pm completely frustrated because (of coarse) he ended up getting stuck out at the pond as it had now started to rain and everything got slushy. Once unstuck (an hour later), he went to the barn and a pile of snow from the roof fell and" locked him in the barn" and when he was trying to pull the door shut after shoveling himself out, the door handle broke off. Well by then you can imagine how frustrated he was because he now had to fix the door handle because "if the door didn't close it would break off from the wind". Then he proceeds to try and pack down the snow by driving the truck back and forth. I could tell he was getting closer and closer to the ditch so I tried to call him in before he gets stuck. Nope! He go stuck. Then hes trying to get his truck out at 12:00am making roaring noises from the trucks engine and spitting dirt all over the yard and on the house! He of coarse, "had to pack down the snow with the truck because by the morning everthing would be iced and needed to get into that one spot on the driveway". (Keeping in mind he already plowed the entire driveway already and everything looked great to me).  Hes so stubborn and wont listen to reason, gets frustrated when it ends up not going well or takes too long, comes in the house miserable then I just go go to bed (because he is taking so long) and so I don't have to deal with his frustration. I have long since given up trying to provide suggestion and reason because he ALWAYS has a reason to do it his way.

This is just one instance. I cant even count the number of times this type of snowball situation has happened. Starts off with one small goal, it turns into a snowball of one thing to do another thing to do another thing... and so on...

I don't know if this is just him or if this is characteristic of other people with ADHD? Any thoughts?

I guess I need to just vent. No need to reply. I have 99% come to terms with my decision to leave, and as others have mentioned it's not all the ADHD that has caused these things. I see so many similar stories and just want to share. These are in order of importance in my decision to leave.

1. 5-15 times of physical abuse. This is not hospital stuff or like in the movies, but there has been blood and bruises. I brushed all of this off because I wanted the marriage to work. If we would argue and I would immediately back down and say that I'm wrong and he's right, and I've learned from my mistake, and I won't do it in the future, then the argument doesn't escalate. But if I refused to back down he would make me pay, sometimes threatening and then hitting me or pinning me to the floor or wall until I apologize. Or sometimes in the middle of an argument without warning when I say something in the wrong tone of voice i would get hit in the head or face. I would immediately apologize but by then it's too late and he's on me either hitting me more or sometimes a kick or two. Always under control and doesn't do any real damage because he just wants me to obey and not drive me away.

2. almost as bad as the above, or worse, the silence and ignoring me after that happened. I would plead and apologize for my behavior that made him hit me and say its my fault, but he would stonewall me and only after he decided to forgive me would he talk to me again. He would NEVER EVER apologize. But I thought he loved me and felt bad so I didn't push him.

3. He would flip out over many of my mistakes. If I did something in the wrong order I would get chastised. This involved being berated for 10-40 minutes depending on the situation. We traveled a lot and the stress of traveling would make him always yell at me before we left, while we packed, and for the first 25-50% of our journey. He did mellow out over the years, either that or I just became numb to it. Mistakes included putting things in the wrong order on the supermarket checkout belt. Just an example. He would rigidly control the order I put stuff on the belt, and make a scene if I didn't do it "right" .  I would try to do everything right and eventually I became good at asking him how to do everything before I did it, so to avoid his wrath. Flipping out included namecalling, yelling at the top of his lungs, and generally lording over me how stupid and moronic I am for as long as it took to make him feel I got the message.

4. Porn. Not only porn but less sex because he'd rather watch porn. He only comes to bed at 4-5am after staying up all night with the video games, computer porn, and TV and then sometimes will want to have sex when I have to get up for work. So less sex overall and then some sex when he knows I want to rather be sleeping.

5. No help with house, but also junk piles. I knew he didn't clean or cook or do laundry when we met. And he said he would get a job eventually and that didn't happen either. And all that is fine. But he actually made junk piles, and I was not allowed to touch these. He has a chair in the den and it has two end tables, and both tables are piled high with screwdrivers, important papers, junk mail, late fee notices, toenail clippings, DVDS, CDs, magazines, used tissues, remote controls, batteries, lightbulbs, tech gadgets, old garage door openers, you name it. I can't organize or straighten this pile. I found bottles of actual pee. He is over 40 years old. So I dust and vacuum the whole house except for this area of disgustingness. And his desk/corner in the office is the same. The electric gets turned off every few months because he won't put it on auto pay because they rip you off. The grass grows high because its too hot to mow or it just rained. 

6. Forgetting and general uncaring. He left me at the bus station because he forgot and fell asleep. He made me take a cab to and from our different hotels because I forgot the passports. Anything that goes wrong I have learned to jump and fix. Because he will give me "the look" and I am the reason it went wrong and I'd better fix it. Ignoring me until I plead for attention or affection, then grudingly giving it. 
____

It's funny others on here have parent child dynamics where the ADHD is the child and the responsible non ADHD is the parent. But in my home the dynamics are reversed. He is the boss, the parent, and I am the child who has to jump to do whatever he wants. Yet having him is like having a child to care for. 

It is sad when he doesn't listen, or dismisses my thoughts and words as petty flies to swat away. I thought he had my back in life, but looking at what I have typed above it seems like more of a ball and chain than a life partner. Even if my leaving makes him awake and aware of what is going on, I know that if I went back, after 6 months or 2 years, he would revert back. Because why should he change? Being the boss and intimidating gets him many privileges:

- not having to work for a living
- not having to do work or chores around the house
- not having to be responsible - if anything goes wrong blame the wife
- enjoying doing what he wants all day and night

I understand abusive situations are different than ADHD marriages, but in mine it is all intertwined. The only way to get out is to just leave it all behind and start again. 

I haven't been on this forum in about six months. Why? Because my husband started taking Adderall. He liked it. He felt good. The side effects were minimal. I was trying so hard to be positive and look forward to a better future for our marriage. But........it didn't turn out that way.

My husband's ADHD presents itself in the form of hyperfocus of monumental proportions. He is highly driven and nothing stops him from reaching his goals, least of all a wife or a marriage. Well, the adderall made him even more hyperfocused. He worked even longer hours and became even more detached emotionally. With the increased detachment came increased narcissistic tendencies. His memory got worse, at least on topics concerning me. He even started to become overtly mean to me and accused me of doing things that I didn't do.

I finally talked to him and told him that our situation was getting much worse. Thankfully, he believed me and agreed to quit taking the Adderall. Now he's back to his normal.

I'm reminded of the old sayings: "Be careful what you wish for." and  "You should've left well enough alone."

In a dating relationship, about how long does the hyperfocus stage last?