Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Secrets, meanness, gas lighting... what makes this stop? by: kitmao 7 years 10 months ago

    My husband is ADHD. He is taking medicine, but that is it. He thinks he's done the work in the past because he went to a therapist (but didn't tell him he had ADHD), framed me as a horrible wife for 3 months, and then left therapy. He basically went to therapy to get some ammunition to use on me in fights. But, according to him, he has done "so much work" and he is tired of it. Now it is my turn, he says. Like I can stop the things he is doing to our family.

    I spent many years not knowing he really had ADHD, but he knew it. He just didn't think it mattered. I felt like I never mattered much to him. He has always interrupted me when I'm talking, said inappropriate things about me to his friends (right in front of me sometimes), forgot my birthdays and holidays, never took me out on dates, and anytime I upset him he would try to convince me that I was crazy. And, it is easy to upset him. If he crosses a boundary of mine, and he doesn't want to care about it, he gets to tell me there is something wrong with me for having that boundary. He compares me to his friend's wives all the time (some of them he has actually never met). 

    We had to see 2 marriage therapists before he understood that now that we have two little kids, he can't just expect to do what he wants when he wants. He would give me long silent treatments if I wouldn't let him just sit on his computer from the time he got home until the middle of the night, day after day, like he could pre-kids. By the way, marriage therapy was a disaster. He just used things the therapist said to stonewall me anytime he didn't want to hear what I was saying.

    He criticizes me to death. If I'm driving the car, he is pointing out my mistakes (they are not really mistakes, just things he thinks I should do differently). He does not value my opinion and thinks that I am intentionally trying to hurt him when I give him one. We discovered black mold in our basement and he told me that he had known about it for 2 years. Well, in that 2 years time my son had been on round after round of antibiotics for sinus issues and the doc wondered if there was something he was reacting to. I told him that we needed to address this immediately, that I was going to call someone the next day and he lost it. I was attacking him by deciding to spend a ton of money on something that "everyone" has in their house. We couldn't even have a conversation about it. It quickly turned into him telling me that I don't help around the house. OK, I'm a stay at home mom that homeschools and cooks everything from scratch and takes care of the finances and has made every decision regarding our kids since day 1 and the list is a mile long. I have to have him call his dad to get him to believe me (he trusts his dad).

    He is secretive and lies about weird things. Sometimes I wonder if he is having an online affair because he is so defensive about me wanting to know about his online social world. He tells me I'm insecure and that no one else has to tell this stuff to their wife. He also gets mad at me when I call him out on blatant lies.

    One thing that really disturbs me that only started since he got on meds is that he will answer me with totally random, completely unrelated things. Especially in arguments. For example, I said that I wanted him to answer a question I had about why he changed his facebook profile to no longer say he was married. His answer was "Well then why did you put a monkey on a space ship? You don't have an answer for that now, do you? No you can't because you don't have a monkey or a spaceship." I mean, what is that?! That really did happen, this morning actually. And this is starting to happen more often.

    Of course this is all on top of the daily grind of him doing things extremely slowly, starting and not finishing, get horribly distracted, interrupting, randomly getting mad at us, and not believing he does any of it.

    In this marriage, I feel like I barely exist. I hear so much negativity about who I am that I've gone through long periods of time believing I was insane. I actually tried to get myself diagnosed. He told me I was bipolar, two doctors laughed at that idea. He even convinced his mom of some crazy things about me and it took two years to prove to her it wasn't true. He gas lights on an insane level and I honestly don't think he realizes that he is doing it. 

    I think I am just venting. I don't know how to cope with all this. Talking to him is not possible. He is very defensive and treats me like the enemy. We don't accomplish much in our lives together as a result. I guess if I had a question it would be, is there any hope for someone like this to see what they are doing and start working on solutions? Is there a way to talk to someone like this so that they will actually consider your point of view? I think about leaving, but he has made it clear he will do everything he can to destroy me if I do. And, he could. He already hacks into my phone, computer, and online accounts. He has gotten me fired 3 times pre-kids (I came back to him after one of these because I was financially ruined). I think he would find a way to take the kids from me if I left him. 

     

  • H has signed us up for marriage counseling..... by: overwhelmedwife 7 years 10 months ago

    I have no problem with the idea of going.  I have gone before.  But....

     

    Each time we've tried, the same things happen....

     

    1) H wants to do ALL of the talking.  The therapist, at the beginning, will PROMISE that I will have a fair share of time, but no therapist has been able to achieve that goal.  H will typically interrupt me or call me a liar.  

     

    2) If I say ANYTHING that paints him in any sort of negative light, he blows up and says that I'm mud-slinging or bad-mouthing him.  He'll later say that I'm supposed to say 10 good things for every 1 bad thing about him.  The therapist has little time to be listening to 10 good things for every one "bad thing" (omg!). 

     

    3) he wants to down play his alcoholism and claim that it hasn't affected his family at all.

     

    4) he wants to claim that I turned our kids against him.

  • Prescriptions For Happiness by: Delphine 7 years 10 months ago

    I think this short book which can be read in full at this link, would be helpful to anyone including ADHD folks and those in relationship with them:

    https://thetaoofwealth.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/prescriptions-for-hap...

    It all comes down to nonresistance.  And as we know, Jesus advised: "Resist not."

    <excerpt>

    Prescriptions for Happiness:

    Ken Keyes

    Happiness Doctor

    1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT—BUT DON’T DEMAND IT

    2. ACCEPT WHATEVER HAPPENS—FOR NOW.

    3. TURN UP YOUR LOVE—EVEN IF YOU DON’T GET WHAT YOU WANT

  • Free by: Anonymous (not verified) 7 years 10 months ago

    Im finally free of my ADHD partner....never again! I will never again accept the inequality of conditional obligation.

  • Forgiveness and letting go by: jennalemone 7 years 10 months ago

    I have turned a corner in my focus.  I am trying hard to stop my habit of 'being the victim". I am letting go of many thoughts and actions that had me tied to a life of negativity with H.  The "letting go" carries with it some grief and sadness because it was a way that I could feel "connected" to my husband. Being part of a loving union with someone holding hands through life.  He was rude, unconcerned, disconnected to me for over 40 years and I was trying to make it be something other than it was, I was trying to make HIM be something other than he was.  Letting it go is difficult because I thought I had so much invested in our marriage and family.  What I had invested and let go of was my self.  In letting go of wanting something I can't have with H, I am enabling my self to live a life.  Right now it seems that my life is worthless and dreary. But I will work on finding paths and people and situations where I might let my light shine again. Who am I without H?  Something better, maybe.  While I am blaming H, being negative, sitting in self pity, I am not much other than a person sitting in victimhood.  I MUST CHANGE.

    It’s easy to get wrapped up in thinking that forgiveness is just about something you “should do”. But forgiving can in a practical way be extremely beneficial for you. When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free. As long as you don’t forgive someone you are linked to that person. Your thoughts will return to the person who wronged you and what s/he did over and over again. The emotional link between the two of you is so strong and inflicts much suffering in you and – as a result of your inner turmoil – most often in other people around you too. When you forgive you do not only release the other person. You set yourself free too from all of that agony.

  • Didn't realize how much I was carrying by: Almost Done 7 years 10 months ago

    I just want to share a recent boundary that I set for myself and how much enforcing it has positively affected me.

     

    When we were first married I took care of all the finances because he worked away from home for weeks at a time. When my husband came home he would throw my carefully planned budget for a loop, 90% of the time I went along with it and made it work, 10% of the time I let him know that whatever it was, just wasn't in the budget at the moment, but if it was important that we could figure out how to add it in. Since he only was home for a week or two at a time, it wasn't a big deal. However, about a year ago multiple things changed at once, we had our first child and he took a lesser paying job that kept him home. Now said carefully planned budget was blown out of the water and we have less money coming in and more expenses. Over the last year I've been trying to hold things together with chewing gum and twine, and it has been a major point of stress for me. I have tried several different methods of recording and sharing the budget and what is available, and he has put in some effort to be involved, but ultimately it was all on my shoulders.

     

    One source of stress was being the one who had to figure out how to make sure the bills got paid, food was on the table, doctor's visits and medications were paid for, and try to still have something left over at the end of the week to have some fun. Another source of stress was that because he wasn't invested and responsible for the budget my husband would either talk about the things he was going to buy with our nonexistent funds or asking permission to spend the littlest amount. Both put me in an uncomfortable position where I was the one saying yes or no to his request. I don't want to tell him no. I don't want to be the one to make all the decisions about where our money goes, and I don't want him to act like they are all my decisions to make. I'm not his mom and I want him to stop acting like I am. Since the beginning of our relationship he has asked permission for all sorts of stupid things, and my response, unless it has been a request that would have a detrimental affect on our family, has always been that I'm not his mother and he doesn't need to get my permission. 

     

    But now, I'm done. Taking care of the household finances is a major point of stress for me and he never took being involved seriously, so instead of trying harder to get him involved and share the burden, I'm trying different. He frequently told me that he didn't understand why there wasn't enough money for the things he wanted to do. After all, when he was single he was able to go out whenever he wanted and always had a good sized cushion in the bank. So last month I shared that what we were doing wasn't working for me. I shared a sample plan where household bills were split so that the ones I was responsible for comprised the majority of my take home pay, leaving me with enough money for gas and a few extras each month, but not enough to be relied upon for expenses, while his share of the bills would negatively impact him but not necessarily the household if unpaid and there would be enough left over that all other expenses (groceries, doctor visits, annual expenses, oil changes, etc.) would be his responsibility. I made a list of our annual expenses and roughly when they are due so that he wouldn't be blindsided by them when they come around. I told him that I had no doubt that he would do a great job, after all it wasn't something that was a problem for him before we were together, and it wasn't something I took over because he was bad at, but because he was frequently gone. I told him that I would help and support him in any way I could, but that ultimately it was on him how that money was spent. I told him that I know that he will do a good job and I wouldn't butt in and question every purchase, that I would assume if he was spending the money on something, that it was available to spend. 

     

    Last week was the first week in the transition. After all the weekly bills were paid out of the joint account, what was leftover was transferred to his account. I can't see or access this account so I have no way of knowing what is and isn't available in it. I can't tell you how awesome this last week has been! We went to the grocery store and I wasn't keeping a running total in my head of what was in the cart. I wasn't stressed about every "extra" thing he was putting in and trying to figure out how I would make the grocery budget work with the extras or constantly telling him that no, the super fancy cheese isn't in the budget this week, please stick to the list. He splurged one morning and bought breakfast; I didn't stress out because of the sudden loss of X dollars and how I was going to account for that expense. I thanked him for his thoughtfulness and enjoyed a nice breakfast with him and our daughter. Before he headed to the store to pick up wine for a holiday dinner we were hosting, he first asked me if that was okay. My response was simply to ask him why he was asking. He thought about it, said that he didn't know, and rephrased to tell me that he was going to pick up wine instead of asking if it was okay. I just said okay and again, felt no stress about the purchase. He did make one comment at the beginning of the week asking "how am I supposed to work with only X dollars?" I said that we could come up with a plan together, but that it wasn't any more or less than would have been available to me to work with.

     

    I didn't realize how much stress I was carrying. I didn't realize how much the responsibility weighed on me. I know there will be hiccups along the way as he figures out how to manage household finances again, and I'll be there to do whatever I can (except contribute monetarily), but it is absolutely amazing to not have that responsibility on my shoulders and to work towards no longer being asked permission by my husband every time he wants to make a purchase. I feel amazing! Boundaries are awesome!

  • Singing for the new year by: Anonymous (not verified) 7 years 10 months ago

    She has autism and ADHD.  

     

    http://epicpew.com/girl-autism-singing-hallelujah-will-blow-away/

     

    All best,

    Now

  • Illusion of Control Hearing Loss and ADHD by: kellyj 7 years 10 months ago

    Want to see something freaky?  Read this description of the effects of hearing loss with infants that has to do with speech.

    Sentence Structure

    Children with hearing loss comprehend and produce shorter and simpler sentences than children with normal hearing.

    Children with hearing loss often have difficulty understanding and writing complex sentences, such as those with relative clauses ("The teacher whom I have for math was sick today.") or passive voice ("The ball was thrown by Mary.")

    Children with hearing loss often cannot hear word endings such as -s or -ed. This leads to misunderstandings and misuse of verb tense, pluralizations, non-agreement of subject and verb, and possessives.

    Speaking

    Children with hearing loss often cannot hear quiet speech sounds such as "s," "sh," "f," "t," and "k" and therefore do not include them in their speech. Thus, speech may be difficult to understand.

    Children with hearing loss may not hear their own voices when they speak. They may speak too loudly or not loud enough. They may have a speaking pitch that is too high. They may sound like they are mumbling because of poor stress, poor inflection, or poor rate of speaking.

    Now....for anyone interested....go back to any of my posts ( which are unedited )...and look what's missing in a lot of the words used.....or.....see the wrong endings as in past tenses, plurals, and non-agreement of subjects and verbs and possessives?  It won't be hard to do because as I write.....I am thinking of the word correctly in my head......but I actually "type" it....just the way it comes out?  What is even more weird?  Is that I don't do this when I speak ( anymore or rarely and I actually correct it right then when I speak but it is so rare that this never happens?  Almost never...but making a point here? )

    I do this when I write...and at no other time but the fact is....I am thinking the words correctly in speaking them in my mind....but I type them incorrectly anyway and I have no control of this?  I use to think this was dyslexia of a type and maybe that is what it is?  But how it got this way....was exactly as this explains?  Simply....not  being able to hear it...as an infant and not hearing it...when I was learning how to talk as an infant...which of course...I can't even remember?  Freaky....isn't it?  The illusion that we are actually in control of these things....is apparently very real?  Also to point out....this is not central processing auditory disorder which has to do with hearing it right...but getting it mixed up inside the brain during the processing of it?  With me.....it wasn't that I wasn't processing what I heard incorrectly....it was simply.....not being able to hear these sounds....and therefore....were not included in learning them as I was actually learning how to speak for the first time as an infant /child?  Pretty much....they just got left out during that time?


    And now......almost 60 years later.....those same exact sounds..and where they are in the sentence.....are still mixed or missing all the time.....since I do type by feel and learned to type a long time ago...I can type and think and write...all at the same time without having to look down at my fingers and type automatically as I think?  How freaking weird is that?

    Which only confirms and validates what I already know is true?  Attachment theory..........is very very real?  We have no idea of that time in our life and cannot remember these things at all?  But a part of does...and that part...is still there working it's magic....without our awareness of it what so ever?  In the illusion or arrogance we have of ourselves.....that we feel we are so in control of ourselves when in reality....we are not....and have far less control....than we actually believe?

    If this isn't proof of this....right here using myself as the evidence of it?  Then I don't know what is.....seeing is believing and this applies to everyone...so watch out for what you believe?  It is not all smoke and mirrors...and there is science to back this up?

    One final thing this article was saying...was about prognosis and learning development depending on the severity of the hearing loss?

    Academic Achievement

    Children with hearing loss have difficulty with all areas of academic achievement, especially reading and mathematical concepts.

    Children with mild to moderate hearing losses, on average, achieve one to four grade levels lower than their peers with normal hearing, unless appropriate management occurs.

    Children with severe to profound hearing loss usually achieve skills no higher than the third- or fourth-grade level, unless appropriate educational intervention occurs early.*******

    The gap in academic achievement between children with normal hearing and those with hearing loss usually widens as they progress through school.

    The level of achievement is related to parental involvement and the quantity, quality, and timing of the support services children receive.

     

    This is really interesting to me especially since....my hearing improved over time by the time I was about 9 or 10 years old which put me in about the 4th or 5th grade since part of it for me...was a structure issue inside my nose and ears and all the tubes leading back and forth from one to the other plus...I had my tonsils out with no real need other than to do it for this reason ( at age 4 ) thinking it might help?  I have no idea on that one...but my hearing did improve?  I also noticed...that in the past few years...my hearing as declined again with getting older but it's still not a problem that I need a hearing aid but....I do have one to use on occasion...and it makes a big difference in hearing these missed sounds especially watching TV through a small speaker with degraded sound integrity with understanding speech of TV?

    Since this is actually a brand new discovery for me in respect to "speech". I was able to go back and revisit...all the problems my wife and I have had over this ( her misinterpreting these things as something else? ) and show her this explain this too her further and she immediately understood this and could relate to it where before...all she did was get angry with me...and complain constantly about me not being able to hear her or asking her to repeat things she said saying....'well if you'd listen to me and pay attention better....well maybe you'd hear me? Or leave the room and refuse to watch TV with me...because the sound level was so intrusive for her and with me going...."this is a nightmare!!! I've reliving my childhood and getting the same abuse as before and she won't believe me!!!!!"

    And then suddenly...overnight....I show it my ears and not ADHD....and she believes me just fine and has no problem understanding it ...NOW its hearing loss related and not ADHD related in just these symptoms and nothing else related to ADHD?  Yet the problem....was and is and always has been exactly the same?

    So I guess this goes to show...if you have ears and can hear....then you can understand and relate and accept it instantaneously...and all is forgiven?

    But if it's ADHD....then this is unacceptable....can't understand.....can't accept and there is no forgiveness what so ever and all I did....was change the words or reasons to a different one...and now it changes just like that...overnight?

    However.....now....if I take a look at the part about never get past 9 or 10 years old as a permanent dysfunction...and apply to inside the Brain ( not outside of the Brain ) and applies the same thing to my wife?  It shows me in some ways....that a lot of learning needs to be done...and some of it.....sounds like.....there is no amount of learning that will ever get past the parts of her that were missing and not learned ( or not going into her memory back then at the developmental stage.) that will ever be more or improve past....the age of say....9 or 10 years olds but I am only going off of this anecdotally and I have no means to verify this?  It's jut a thought...in comparing the two.;..and how the got this way?

    When I consider that my wife has said repeatedly....I am a "black and white....concrete thinker"....that would be about right...for a child of say.....9 or 10 years old wouldn't it?  mmmmmmmmmm???

     

    http://www.asha.org/public/hearing/Effects-of-Hearing-Loss-on-Development/

    J

  • Treatment not working? by: Julia 7 years 10 months ago

    Hi all, 

    I have posted a few times over the years regarding our various struggles as a couple and for my ADHD husband. We have been together for 17 years.

    He was diagnosed in 2009 and started treatment then. Since then he has a tried a few different medications, goes to therapy (albeit inconsistently). Over the last approximately 3 years, things have gotten increasingly worse. I would say worse than before diagnosis and treatment. His mindset is extremely negative, his behaviour is terrible on many respects - argumentative, confrontational, sometimes verbally abusive, spending uncontrollably, complaining and blaming constantly (whatever happens is usually caused by me. "Because you" starts most arguments on his part. Didn't used to be like that. Don't get me wrong, there were issues before he was diagnosed - the diagnosis actually was a "ah ah" moment - giving him/us understanding and hope. But he was not like this. This is not the man I know.

    I am overwhelmed, overloaded, hyper stressed, exhausted, crying most days. I have health issues myself and have to manage my stress - was diagnosed with epilepsy just last year and my main trigger is stress. 

    Sleep is an issue - he doesn't go to bed. Watches tv, plays video games. Then can't get going in the morning although the first thing he does is get on his phone to play games. He eats crap. I cook a lot and we eat healthy at home. But at work he won't bring his lunch from home and eat junk food with lots of cola. He will have cookies for breakfast, with a cola.  Doesn't exercise.

    I have been begging him to talk to his doctor and therapist, there is something seriously wrong here. He is not himself. He says he has.

    Yesterday, Christmas day, just the 3 of us with our daughter, I made all meals, cleaned up after meals and gift openings, while he played on his phone. If I ask for help (by the way, i despise the word "help" in a relationship. It implies that it is my job and I need help. I prefer to us "contribution". But yesterday I used "help", I was desperate.). Anyway, when I asked for help, he sounded surprised that I needed help, came to the kitchen for 5 minutes then went back to his phone.

    Today, he read me something he wrote. He has realized that he is a burden we would be better off without him. He is incapable of making any changes or progress. He is useless. The way he eats and manages his life, he will probably die young because of it and we will be better off. It's not as if I want to be with him anyway, I am miserable and it's all his fault but he can't do anything about it. He doesn't want to end his life but that is just the way things will continue to be. If only we could just live normally with the way things are.

    I can't though, not this way. How can I possibly be loving and caring when I am so overwhelmed and exhausted? Plus, I find extremely hurtful that, after years of me doing everything I can to support him, this is how he feels. Sees nothing positive. If I didn't want us together or saw hope for the future, I wouldn't be here. I want us together, as a family. His response? He knows what is best for me and I am not listening to him. But he's not living or ending his life. Just that is he has a heart attack for example I shouldn't do anything about it. 

    I don't know what to do.

  • ADD husband always ruins holidays by: TellTaleArt 7 years 10 months ago

    This makes me so sad. I'm spending yet another Christmas alone because my ADD husband screamed at me, slammed the door in my face and left for a day. We live with his parents due to poverty, and I'm disabled living without teeth or denture (I need a bone graft we can't afford to wear a denture). I'm in a foreign country, unfamiliar state, can't really even walk far or get anywhere without help, and my inlaws don't really like me (they don't appreciate that I keep asking their son to get treatment because his ADD is "not a big deal", according to them. I pretty much spend my Christmas in tears alone in the room while he just insulted me and disappeared. It especially hurts because I cooked so much and baked for his work potluck, and I'm very very exhausted and he promised to help and be around but his mood changed and he just started treating me like I'm inhuman piece of sh*t . Do all of them ruin holidays like this? Does anybody know why? Maria.

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