Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Don't know how to express my needs in a way that doesn't disrespect by: Jim Michaels 7 years 10 months ago

    It's been a while since I posted. Been having quite a hard time recently in my relationship. I am now married (2 yes) but things not going well. I have ADHD my partner does not. She is extremely supportive nearly all the time but there are certain things I cannot bear at all and my being unable to bear them is really causing problems. These are issues for when medicated and uneducated but without drugs I just can't *do* anything about them.

    I cannot bear it when my wife points out that I did something incorrectly or am not applying coping mechanisms to mitigate my symptoms. I just can't bear her to be talking about the pain I cause her, this isn't that I can't bear causing her pain (any more, although it used to be)  it is that I can't bear *my* pain with being told she didn't like what I did. I didn't mean to do those things at the time or if I did I didn't think through the ramifications even when its the 30, 40th, 124th time.

     

    Many people have described the coping mechanism: 1. apologise, 2. acknowledge what you have done wrong, and 3. leave the situation to go and think about the particulars of what you alone did and how you could have responded better.

    I am having real problems with step 2 if it involves either listening to my wife express the depth of what I have done on her feelings or it being necessary for me to acknowledge at the time that what I did was actually wrong.

    At the time any 'uncorrectness' is pointed out to me I genuinely don't think she should be getting upset with me about it and therefore have a hard time being in any way remorseful about what I have done (at the time).

    My wife has mentioned if I would just show some remorse about what I did rather than being hurt by her mentioning it she probably would be less likely to feel the need to make it very clear, at length, exactly why what I did was wrong.

    The arguments are getting prolonged and I see no way of being able to stop them when they happen.

    This is killing me, I'm really in despair over this and don't know what to do. I love my wife and do not want to be repeatedly hurting her - or I need even once. But how can I get her to understand that once in an argument is it very, difficult for me to appreciate the consequences of my actions on her and even more difficult for me to say that her emotional response to me is correct - because it hurts me.

     

    I can even see that I'm being a bit of an add he here but I really don't know what to do?

     

  • We both have ADHD, Depression, and We're starting to resent each other... by: EllaBella 7 years 10 months ago

    Could you guys help me (us) out???

    BOTH of us are diagnosed with ADHD AND Depression. Both of us hate chores. Both of us resent each other for it. Our house is a mess - fleas, fruit flies, dirty dishes everywhere, laundry piled knee-high on the floor of the closet..... etc. It's a disaster. We ended up having to give our dog to my mom bc neither of us would remember to take him out, and he would always be getting into the trash or something and we just couldn't handle that AND our depression at the same time. We still have the two cats. 

    My husband is a doctor and I'm an administrative asst. He gets home at 3 - but he has a lot more work to do; notes, phone calls, etc. I get home at 6:30 and I'm completely done for the day. Usually by the time I get home, he's done with his work and playing a video game or taking a nap. I'll get home, and more than half the time I'm too tired to cook dinner so we either order out or scrounge up some microwave meals or ramen... We definitely aren't eating healthy. When we do buy groceries, half of them go bad because neither of us want to cook dinner. So we eat and watch TV together, then he'll be playing on his computer and I'll be on my phone, then around 9:30 we settle in for bed. 

    I've tried splitting the chore list 50/50, I've tried doing one room a day with only 3 tasks per person, we've agreed and tried doing "Saturdays we'll clean". None of this works, bc again both of us are lazy, both of us are depressed and both of us would rather play video games/watch tv. I personally felt resentment bc I felt like if I started cleaning myself, he'd help out and he doesn't, then I'd just be the maid. I've started wondering if every family is like this and as the woman of the house I just need to step up and take care of our home.

    Maybe three or four times a month he'll "clean" a small area (like his side of the bed, the living room), or maybe once a month he'll actually get up and help me out. But he always says "ok I'm tired now" and I end up cleaning up after his cleaning - there's still random trash lying around, etc. 

    A few months ago I just gave up and decided I'm not going to be his maid, I'm only cleaning when he does. And now we're where we are now - having to throw dishes away bc stuff has been caked on them for so long. 

    Additionally, he is taking the week after Christmas off and I have no more PTO, bc I used it for our Honeymoon earlier this year (We've been married ~6mos but engaged for 8 years). We just got off the phone having a conversation that ended, "Well if you want this lifestyle, go back to school and get a better job." and "No, I didn't say I work harder than you. But my job IS hard and I deserve this break" - the whole conversation made me feel like he doesn't believe I deserve a break, that he doesn't believe my job wears me out too... I GET that his job is hard. I GET that it's mentally taxing. I GET that I need to let up on him and let him relax. But I don't think he respects that to me, in my perspective, I get worn down too. Especially with only 3 hours of free time in the evening and NO alone time bc he is ALWAYS home when I am home. Just that wears me out sometimes - I love him and like being with him, but sometimes I really just want some me time... 

    This post was a lot longer than I intended... but if ANY of you have any advice for helping us work through this, I would greatly appreciate it. I really want us to be able to get our *** together so we can have kids soon. 

  • Here we go again with H not going to work so he can find another job! by: Anonymous (not verified) 7 years 10 months ago

    H hasn't been to work all week. He's been too into his video game to leave the house. I sent a message to H about whether he was at work and he sent me a frowny face. Day 3 of not working. Then he tells me "I've been looking for a temp job." Okay here we go again. I say "What kind?" He goes "Leaving options open. There's a couple of restaurants looking for cooks and asst cooks. Might be time to learn something new." Great! You'll go and work at a restaurant with crappy hours probably making minimum wage. Meanwhile you're not going to a job you already have so that you can look for a job that you want to have to get out of a job you just said a few weeks ago you really like but now they've cut your commission (the part that you never should have been getting in the first place!) and you think you need to go somewhere else. What happened to this sales rep job you were psyched about a week ago? Are you looking for a temp job between this one and that one which you swear you are going to get?? For some reason you can't eke out another month or two at this job if you are so sure you're going to get this other one ? Every time he wants to look for another job, he needs to take a week off of work without pay to spend 10 minutes a day looking at Craigslist ads for jobs that he wont' spend the time filling out paperwork for!

    He even had the nerve to send me a message yesterday asking if I'd stop by his work and pick up his check for him since they seem to be the last place on earth that doesn't direct deposit!! There was no way I was doing that! I'm not lying to everyone telling them you're sick when you simply don't want to work. I'm sure as hell not going out of my way to get your check when all you are doing is sitting at home drinking and playing video games. If you can't get yourself to work then I guess you won't get your check!

  • Incessant why by: Almost Done 7 years 10 months ago

    Does anyone else have a spouse who is constantly asking why? Most of the time it is in reference to something I don't want to do or that makes me uncomfortable, and not anything that directly relates to him. The answer of, because I don't want to or it makes me uncomfortable is never enough. It has to be explained in detail and gets worried like a dog with a bone. If I try to help him understand why, well then all of the reasons are argued against like my being comfortable or not with something is up for negotiation. If I don't have it in me to do it and just say, that he doesn't have to understand, but I do need him to respect my request, well then I'm wrong and I'm cold, and I don't know how to be a family and I'm keeping him from doing what he wants to do. Me NOT wanting to do something is never as important as him wanting to do something.

    Sometimes it has to do with our daughter. Believe me, I get that he lives in the now and everything else is in the not now, but when I ask him to do or not do something, I am always expected to justify and explain every single little request. And doing so doesn't make a difference, because he doesn't see the progression of things, and how if he does X or allows X well then YZ naturally follow, and since YZ are things that we don't want to happen we shouldn't do X, and even if he does he won't remember the conversation the next time he wants to do X. 

     

    Example interaction this morning:

     

    Him: (to toddler) Do you want to listen to music? (starts to put headphones connected to his phone on the child)

    Me: Please don't put the earphones on the baby.

    Him: Why

    Me: Because I asked you not to, isn't that enough? Do I have to explain everything?

    Him: Yes. The book says you do. (referring to, and shaking The ADHD Effect on Marriage in my direction)

    Me: Really?

    Him: Yes. (starts flipping through the book, which he hasn't gotten very far in)

    Me: Okay. I don't want her using earphones because it can damage her hearing. Whether or not you think you've turned the volume down low enough, you really don't know if the volume is comfortable and at a non-damaging level for her, because your ears aren't right next to the speakers, hers are. Also, I remember when ipods were gaining in popularity, so was the incidence of hearing damage and loss from having the speakers, regardless of the set volume, so close to your ear drums as you do when you listen using earbuds or headphones.

    Him: (Stops flipping through book) I don't have time to do this right now.

    Me: Okay. I can feel myself getting angry and frustrated right now, and I don't want to fight with you this morning, So we (me and toddler) are going to go make breakfast.

    Him: Why?

    Me: I don't want to fight with you. I can feel myself getting angry, so I'm removing myself from the situation. (picking up toddler)

    Him: Why? 

    Me: You are pushing my buttons, and I don't want to fight, so I'm leaving. (walking out of room)

    Him: Why?

    Me: (and I know I was wrong here) *mocking* Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

    Him: You are mocking me!

    Me: Yes. Yes I am. I told you that I was getting upset and that I didn't want to fight with you so I was leaving and you kept asking why. 

     

    If someone can find for me in her book where Melissa says that you have to explain everything and be subjected to interrogation, I will be eternally grateful, because for the life of me, I can't.

  • Gaslighting to justify behavior by: redhead1017 7 years 10 months ago

    I recently told my husband that unless he was willing to talk more honestly with me about issues that our marriage has been dealing with for the last two decades, that I did not see any hope in us continuing to move forward. I thought about divorce every day for the last 20 years and because of his ongoing mental issues it is a very real reality that I will most likely be forced to deal with in the next couple of years. My husband is a very good man, but is extremely childish and immature just like many of the other husbands that deal with ADHD. He is basically an eternal child. So this morning, in the interest of newly honest communication, he told me that he thinks it's unfair that I don't think he gets anything done and that he takes too long to get things done. I tried to be kind, but the fact that we have two storages that he has been telling me for 15 years will be fixed and disposed with is sort of a thorny issue in our relationship, and I cannot reinvent history or pretend that it's not happening, even though he would like me to. Everything I ever had asked him to do takes ten times longer than anyone else, and usually I end up doing it myself. This is just one issue of many, but probably the biggest because I have been paying it for it for so long. He refuses to let me help, I'm not sure why but his therapist is telling him he has major hoarding issues due to his childhood. So when I told him this this morning, he countered with I just don't notice that he's getting things done, I don't appreciate him, and that he's doing it better than anybody else. Seriously this is classic gaslighting, and as soon as he left this morning I repeated his words to myself and really appreciate it how just incredibly off they are. I believe the Panama Canal took something like 10 years to build correct? So why does it take 15 years to clean out 2 storages? No matter how much he wants to whitewash this, or make himself look like this Paragon of Industry, the reality is he can't be trusted to do even the most basic tasks without taking so long to do it. Even our kids know not to ask him for anything because he will never come through, and then he will get mad if you remind him months and months and months later all the promises that he made.

    As he has struggled our entire marriage with keeping a job, and is currently on his at least 20th job, I know that this is part of his low self-esteem issues and if he can't believe it he's doing stuff right at home and maybe it'll actually happen? I don't know, but I totally appreciate what he is able to do, dealing with his many mental issues not the least of which are ADHD and PTSD, and I know I need to ratchet down my expectations quite a bit in regards to him because he is basically mentally ill. But I will not pretend that he is doing things when he says he's supposed to do them, I will not pretend that telling me for 15 years that two storages are going to be cleaned out is in any way shape or form acceptable, and I will not pretend that all of his job loss situations are healthy or acceptable or had helped the health of our relationship. He just does not understand that all of the crap that he has put our family through for the last two decades is incredibly wearing, and I have finally reached the limit of what I am willing to put up with. So while I am trying to be honest with my communication towards him I do not see that he is going to be able to deal with it or make any sort of meaningful change.

    I have investigated ending the relationship, and unfortunately since he is unable to support himself, I would have to pay some pretty big alimony in order for him to survive. Which I am totally not willing to do, but I would have to if I decided to finally end the relationship. So I am sort of stuck here, and while I have accepted that, I have not accepted that I have to continue to pretend that what he does and who he is and his mental health issues are not a huge problem.

  • Never mind I guess by: Anonymous (not verified) 7 years 10 months ago
  • The myth of the "hidden disability" by: tfarmer 7 years 10 months ago

    I have been reading a bit lately about ADHD and this idea of how it is hidden compared to a person with some more obvious disability. I find the comparison to a blind person to be particularly amusing and misplaced because ...

    After running into a couple walls a blind person would no longer deny the problem.

    In my experience that is simply untrue of an ADHD person. Instead, the ADHD person rationalizes their predicament by claiming they are not running into the same walls so that is somehow different.

    After helping a blind person cross a busy street they will be grateful. The ADHD person will claim the helper is actually the source of the problem because they failed to stop all traffic for them.

    After helping a blind person navigate a trail they will likely listen to your recommendation as to where to cross the stream. The ADHD person will argue your choice of crossing is wrong and jump in with both feet. In short order after rescuing them from the rapids, and dragging their waterlogged ass to safety the ADHD person will spin it in their own warped  mind that they are some kind of hero for surviving their harrowing experience.

    A blind person understands they must adapt themselves to the world around them. An ADHD person expects the world around them to adapt to them.

    That is lunacy. Grow up.

  • Is this ADHD or just quick to anger issue? by: Anonymous (not verified) 7 years 10 months ago

    Sunday afternoon H was making soup. He was in a great mood. He had cooked down a pork roast in a pan and then put it in the pot with some stock. He then went and took a shower because we were expecting guests. Well I see dirty dishes in the sink and put them in the dishwasher. I see the pan he used to cook the roast sitting on the stove so I wash that too. Big mistake! He comes out of the shower and sees that I washed the pan and gets mad saying "WHY did you wash the pan? I use that to cook the vegetables because it gives them a good flavor. You did this last time too! Would you at least ASK next time?! I guess I'll figure out something else to do then." The proceeded to stomp around the house. Chill the f**k out! I washed a pan because it was dirty. You didn't tell me to leave it and you know how I like to have things clean. The vegetables will be fine cooked on their own. Jeez, all this over a dirty pan. Then about 2 minutes after his outburst our friends stopped by and he turned on the charm. Calling me Sweetie and telling me how much he loved me in front of them. I just about said "Well you should have seen him right before you came. He was really upset with me." I HATE that he puts on this damn act in front of others. Then when they left he didn't talk to me for a bit and then came in all lovey dovey. Then last night I was once again cleaning up his mess. He made biscuits which stuck to the pan. I sprayed hot water on the pan and then started scraping off the biscuit residue. Well that was enough to have him leave his precious video game in the other room and come out all agitated telling me "STOP scraping that pan! You scrape off the coating and that's why things stick. Just let it soak!" I get irritated because he's not telling me in a calm, nice way, he's all agitated about the damn pan!  I say to him "Well I guess I'll just have to buy you a bunch of new pans then since I mess all of them up". He rolls his eyes and goes "Or you could just not scrape them". I put the pan in the sink, turned off the tv, and went to bed and read. It was only 8:15 and I was in a good mood before this whole thing but once again, he goes and does his thing and upsets me. He then tried to be all lovey again. He KNOWS he upsets me but will never say "I'm sorry", only try to act like it never happened. Then he didn't come to bed until after 2AM because he was so busy with his video game and I knew at that point he wasn't going to go to work the next day because poor baby would have been too tired to work! I don't think he's going to work today either because he just wants to sit home and play his video game 24 hrs a day! But he doesn't care because he is SO sure that he is going to get this other job as a sales rep in the state and the ONLY one for this company.He just heard about it from a friend last week who asked him to send his resume to him so he could give it to his boss. The guy hasn't even said anything about whether the resume went to this guy but H is already talking about how he's got the job and he'll be traveling all over the state and is already telling others that if he does this then he'll be the only one in WA and then if they add more, he'll manage them and it just goes on and on about how he'll damn near own the entire company in a few years. I'm kind of hoping he never hears back from anyone so that he comes back down to earth!

  • New here - What am I doing wrong? by: whatdididu2u 7 years 10 months ago

    Hi everybody.  I am new here as I just found this site by googling a simple question... "Why does husband get upset when I ask questions?".  I honestly thought it was me or the tone I am using or perhaps the way I ask the question.  I am constantly walking on egg shells around him as I don't know what is going to set him off.  This morning I went out to warm up my car before work and when I re-entered the house, he asked me a simple question.  There was a news story about Joliet, Illinois and he asked me "Does anyone live in Joliet?".   I only asked him, Do you mean does anyone I know live in Joliet?   Ohhh boy!!!   Was that the wrong thing.   Within 5 minutes I was told "If you don't want to tell me, you don't have too.", "You are always snapping at me. Just keep at it if you want me to leave" , "Maybe you should just call the lawyer now and get a divorce if that will make you happier."   Wait!  What????  How the heck did this get so out of hand???   I am in tears as when I try to explain that I only was trying to understand what he was asking, he won't let me talk and donesn't want to listen anymore.

    I am sure you all have heard many, many stories.  One minute he says I am the best thing that ever happened to him and with the drop of a hat, a wrong look or a wrong word, he thinks I don't care about him or I am ridiculing him. I am trying to be very supportive and even though there are things he does that I know could be done another way... I say nothing and let him do it his way as I don;t want to start another arguement. 

    What in the world can I do?   I would never be able to suggest that he has ADD or ADHD.  I would love any suggestions as I want so much to make my wonderful husband happy 24/7 as he really deserves it. 

    Thanks!!!!

  • Welbutrin by: vabeachgal 7 years 10 months ago

    Does anyone have experience with this medication?

    My husband's primary care physician diagnosed depression and "borderline ADHD" and gave him the lowest dose of Welbutrin.  His pyschologist held onto the ADHD diagnosis (he attended 6 sessions)

    He did not attend his final appointment with the psychiatrist for final testing and diagnosis.  When I look back on the past, I see something besides ADHD.  However, I'm not going to make an armchair diagnosis.  I'll just say that I think there is a reason that Welbutrin worked so well for him - increased focus and leveled moods.  

    His prescription bottle has been sitting in the same place for 4 days now, unfilled.  I am torn.  Do I act as his mother again?  Remind him to get it filled ? Remind him that removing the medication from his system cold turkey may create a rebound depression worse than what he had before?  Do I decide that he is an adult and let him deal with it?  All that is required is a call to the automated refill system and a ten minute trip to the pharmacy that is a half mile from our house.  

    I guess I could do it myself although I have no access to his health insurance information, let alone the card? 

    Do I assume make assumptions about what is going on in his mind?  There have been increased tensions in the house because of his latest inappropriate online activities.  I feel once again humiliated and barely speak to him.  Has his usually fatalistic mind come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what he does, it doesn't work?  I don't know.  He agreed that Welbutrin made him feel better than he has in a long time but he hasn't refilled his prescription.  I agreed with him, but added that a pill alone is not a solution.  

    I'm so tired of being the parent.  If he doesn't want to help himself?...... what's left.  I feel like I've been dragged (drug?) through the mud these years and he won't do the absolute minimum to help himself. How can I see a future without any effort? 

    I've already noticed increased fatigue and lethargy.  He's been the most "normal" he's ever been while on Welbutrin (about 6 months, lowest possible dose) - no depression, no euphoria. When he first started taking it, he became super productive. 

    I can confirm one porn site.  He used a password I know.  It looks like he's been hitting it pretty heavy for the last 12 weeks.  He won't let me see his phone.  I hate being in my own home and hearing his phone ding with one notification after another while I'm in the next room. We need to get the house sold, with or without his cooperation. Neither one of us can carry the house individually.  I like Melissa's idea about a formal in house separation agreement to address things like this.  I will take care of that this weekend, Christmas be damned. 

    Seriously can't refill a prescription but can spend hours looking up every insta-hoe in the universe? 

    I'm so tired.  

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