As I set here contemplating what is the true source of all the anger and frustration I've felt and read about on this forum. I think about a story that my daughter shared w/ me about my granddaughter when she was about 18 months old.....She walked into the kitchen and pulled the frig. door open and spotted her sippy cup....She looked up at her Mother for approval...Her Mother said you can have it, so she grabbed it and took a hit of it....Stuck it back into the Frig...shut the door and started walking away...So her mother said..."I thought you wanted it? And without turning around she said.."I don't wike it".....Her mind was expecting maybe something sweet "Juice"....But she got only water.....She had an expectation!

We got it, and now we don't wike it....I think so many of us human's have an Ideal we think marriage should look like...We may even manage our lives to that end....Until we find out that it's not happening on the other end...Like we expect...LOL....We don't wike it!

You know the word Husband only exists because there is a Wife in the picture....And the word Wife only exists, because there is a Husband in the picture....You can be a man or woman, but you can't be a husband or wife, without the job description that goes with it....If we're doing that, our title is a Fake.

I think that is most of the problem....It takes energy being produced for things to live....The Sun!....With no human effort from me (healthy thoughts, my time, my attention) toward my wife...Then for all practical purposes she don't have one....Thus is so many here's problems....We don't wike the lack of effort we are experiencing from our spouse....So like human's do we try to communicate it....LOL...At this point several things might happen, some good, some bad, and some temporary.....

And usually what you have at this point is reality!...So do we stop here and accept it, like a wise person would do??...No way Jose!....We're just getting started.....Anyway every thing that comes after this point the Anger, bitterness, fighting and all the attempts to force change (which is an illusion) are all bad.....

Finally if we're strong enough, we circle back to acceptance....Once we do that we can usually at least make sound decisions w/o negative emotions....Even if we chose to end it....

The one thing I have to keep reminding myself about is that I can only produce energy and effort, as what I am; a husband!....And because I think that is a high calling, it deserves my full focus and attention, so much so, I don't have time try to concern myself with her Job...

Is it working?

Acceptance of reality is the best tool that I've ever found for my marriage, and my life in general...It helps me move past my self-righteousness, and my expectations....It forces me to look in the mirror, when I had rather not...LOL.....

Blessings

C

We've been together for 23 years. For 18 years, I've had severe ME and am housebound, a wheelchair user, prone to exhaustion, limited in what I can do.

We lived with my parents for 13 years until we could afford to move out. I was always so grateful he stuck with me when I became ill. We waited a long time to get a home of our own.

Over the last ten years together, we had arguments over his lack of help around the house. I have been left to do everything except mow the lawn and service the car. The house is a mess because no matter how i try to organise things, he won't do the tiniest things to prevent mess and chaos. We don't have visitors because of the mess.

Five years ago, his father died, and my H went to pieces. He stopped taking me out once a week, and started blaming me for why we didn't see his family. He stopped listening to me and wouldn't talk. He stopped wanting intimacy, and if I tried to ask him about the way things were going, he would shut down or say I didn't understand because I hadn't lost a father.

Alone sums up the last 5 years for me.

When I try and tell him how bad things are for me, he tells me how bad things are for him.

A year ago, I stopped loving him because his behaviour seemed so cruel. I couldn't leave - where would I go? I stopped asking him anything, tried not to get angry and left him to his work. I focussed on getting myself better rather than being angry with him. We've been living seperate lives in the same house.

Last week,  I asked him why I was here if he didn't even speak to me anymore. He took it seriously - he was upset. He thought we were getting on well (sigh). But he told me he had no time for me because of his work, and looking out for his mum (who he takes out every week and sees every weekend). He is utterly adamant that there is nothing he can do to change things, that he is overwhelmed as it is,

I came across adhd sites, and found word for word the arguments we were having.

I know I have half the adhd symptoms - reacting emotionally, being impulsive (used to be, anyway!), not maintaining friendships. But I can plan and organise - I have to to manage my illness. To go out, I need to know days in advance because I can't even take a shower without taking in account what else needs to be done that day (or my energy will crash and I will become ill).

My husband cannot remember to put anything back in its place. He can't remember what he goes out for, and disappears for hours at a time, He doesn't understand that there's anything wrong in what he does, and never plans a trip for us (hence, we never going out). He doesn't tell me he won't be home for dinner, or that he's going away for a week until the day before. He doesn't know any or my likes or dislikes, and only does xmas shopping on xmas eve. He can't stick to a budget or remember a birthday. He has never remembered our anniversary.

I realise that I have organised everything we've ever done - apart from the weekend in winter in an unheated house with no power - that was his idea of a holiday.

I've told him about adhd and he accepts it makes sense of his life. I can't say how my adhd affects things - I have no one to ask apart from him, but I now know that he sees a very different reality to the one I see. His judgement is not to be trusted.

Sorry about the long post. I don't even know what I'm asking. But it seems impossible? I can only do things if I plan ahead. He can only do things by not planning. There is no middle ground, and I've been unhappy with him for a decade. He wants us to be together, but doesn't get that I can't sit on my own in this house anymore waiting for him.

Any views, comments, advice... 

Before I forget...I wanted to recount as I see it...a successful interaction with my wife and what I have come to understand better?  The problems we run into so many times...is within my wife's ability to say what she means or even say...what she is thinking in way that makes any sense to me?  There is a bit of logic or a piece to this puzzle always missing and this is where I walk head long into trouble because I just can't see it?  There is a reason why....however, I can't see it with my wife in that...she doesn't tell me that piece that is missing and its the piece that is necessary..for me to see it?  What happened this morning....helped me see?

When I walked into the room...my wife appeared emotionally distraught as if she had been or was crying?  We had just checked in with the election results and as is.....Trump won and Hillary lost.  I got in context...this is what she was crying about?  What was not clear or to me at least....to the level that this would cause her to be upset ( to that level??? ) was and has been somewhat unclear until she made one comment that put this all into perspective for me?  I asked if Hillary's loss was what was so upsetting and she said yes....which I said "I'm sorry she didn't win...that must be disappointing for you?".  In which she replied "you wouldn't understand.....you're not a woman."   ( buzzzzzzzzzzz- errrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!! )  Stop right there!!!!

What I understand....is that the candidate of her choice for President ( in this case mine as well ) didn't win and that is disappointing?  I also understand....that if she had won....this would have been a historical event in that...this would have been the first woman to be President?  I also understand...that the popular vote ( last time I checked ) was 2 tenths..of 1 % in Hillary's favor which is the same as ( in my mind ) saying the popular vote for all intensive purposes was 50% to 50%.....nearly if almost exactly that?  2 10ths of 1%...is a drop in the bucket if not less than that?  But of course...that's not what determines the winner and as far as that goes.....the winner is the one who gets the most votes in all categories.  I also understand....that this would be a victory in a sense...for woman in respect to being validated or in terms of having some resolution to the seeming inequality that is there?  I also think....if a man was in the same place as Hillary.....HE....might have won based on the small percentage of voters out there ( who ever they are ) that might not have voted for a woman...if a woman had not been that choice and it had been a man instead?  It was so close...that I do think that in this case....that might have made the difference?

But what is not clear or has not been clear to me....is why this is such a personal thing for my wife...and her seemingly preoccupation with the Gender aspect since Hillary.;....was not perfect and there were a lot of reasons or skeletons in her closet...that was probably more to do with peoples choices...than just voting for a woman....because she's a woman without considering that maybe......between the two choices......neither one was a good one but it was more of a toss up...between the lessor of two evils if you put it that way?  It isn't a beauty contest or a popularity contest in that respect?  The job at hand is President....and 1/2 the people voted for Hillary....any way?  What is this personalization and identification thing here and what does that mean?

I've made this argument once before...with a co-worker who was offended when everyone was making fun of Sarah Palin...because she represented the Christian Right Wing....which is what he stood for or believed in?  To the point...he got angry with everyone in the room for speaking about Sarah Palin's inability to be coherent...and apparently seemingly.....kind of out there in her thinking and just plain Bullshitting when she was asked a direct question like...."which magazines do you read? "   Ahp.. blp....eh...er......All of Them!!! "  This is what we all were making fun of...and our co-worker took offense at this????? Like Huh??

  I turned to this fellow and said....."So if Adolf Hitler....was running for President...and he represented to Christian Right Wing.....you'd vote for him?"  Ahp...blp....eh...er.....Christian are being Persecuted for Believing what they Believe!!!! "  Is what he said?  And I said..."In this country?  Persecuted?  That sounds like "ancient talk"...going back a couple of thousand years?  "Where are Christians being persecuted in this country as in you....a white, middle aged man in America?  Of all the people who are not being "persecuted "....in this country.....white, middle aged men who are Christians....are the least likely of ALL  people being persecuted in this country?  In fact.....white, middle aged MEN who are Christians in this country....comprise probably the least persecuted group ( as whole ) of any one segment of society of anywhere on the this planet....who could say they are being treated unfairly and have to deal with being persecuted?  How do you figure?"

"Well....they are somewhere!!!!"  and then he just got angry and we all left him alone??  What was more like it....is that he was feeling personally persecuted and feeling things were unfair to him personally...and this somehow was an insult to him personally....to make fun of Sarah Palin.....despite the obvious?  And yes.....he would have voted for Adolf....IF he had been in Sarah place instead but would not concede even after I weaseled that out of him later when it got right down to saying "yes" or" no"...because the answer was yes....and that was where he was simply not going to admit it?

And in the same way.....this election, Hillary and what that meant to my wife....meant more than just meets the eye...and was more than just electing a President?  By winning the Presidential election.....it would mean more to her....than just that and within that....this is where what I'm calling....."a hidden agenda" comes into play?  What ever that "hidden agenda" is...and why it's so important....is why my wife was crying and what she is not able to say?  This is that hidden peice of the puzzle or bit of logic missing..that no one knows except my wife...but she's just not telling?  It appears to be the same thing to me...as saying.....I'm upset that you are making fun of Sarah Palins ability to be forth right and not just make stuff up and saying....ALL magazines......and everyone going..."that doesn't sound like an honest answer to me but I could be wrong....but I don't think I am?  That was an evasive answer...to simple a question?  She said she read lots of magazines and was quoting them by saying this is where I get my information?  So when asked which ones.....you'd think she could tell you...right?"  Otherwise....she's lying....one might think?  So to argue that she's  being Persecuted like Christians are  ( somewhere but not in America???? unstated however completely irrelevant to the topic, Presidential Elections or the price of Tea in China no less??? lol )  by a white middle aged man living in America.....doesn't appear to make a lot of sense as to why he would get angry....and yet....cannot explain it? ( and not make any logical connection to his anger...and Sarah Palin?????  Coming from a white, middle aged man in America? 

And in terms that I can understand?  I voted for Hillary...but she lost.  The point of having an election...is to pick one.... and then one person wins and one person loses?  Winner takes all....that's the way it's suppose to work?  What does this mean to me?  We have a new President..and the person I voted for lost?  It doesn't cause me to cry however....because this is how it works?  This was not a blow for women rights or a sign of gender bias or  ( persecution???)  On the contrary.......50% or all voters ...voted for a woman.....and Trump won fair and square?  No one cheated or tried to pull a fast one.  If you play a game .....and win fair and square....then congratulations are in order...for winning over the competition and giving them credit..where credit is due?  May the best Man ( or Woman ) win on a level playing field which is exactly what you had...and is exactly what happened?  So what...there might be a few who didn't vote for Hillary because she's a woman....but that argument doesn't hold a lot of water...seeing how an African American man won for the last two terms and he was BlACK!!!  OMG!!!  You think....a Black Man.....living in this country....has it worse ( or has had it worse?? ) than a white woman in America?  Thinking.....I don't recall white women...being strung up and lynched by the neck...just for being a while woman in America?  That's not saying anything to gender bais or unfair treatment when the playing field is level ...and you don't get picked to do a job?  As I pointed out to my wife....Hillary....was no Angel and she certainly had some faults and some skeletons in her closet too?  She was by any means available...a Politician...and she knew the score?  In this case...there is ONLY ONE team...and that's Team America.....no matter which way the cookie crumbles?  This isn't battle for the network Stars between the Men and the Women and is not a gender battle to see who's better...a man or a woman?  This is just picking the team....but we're all on the same one?  ( there's no crying in Baseball??? As Tom Hanks so poignantly said in the movie "A League of Their Own" ) Or are we?  This is where I get soooooo confused??

This does not compute?  I am not programmed to respond in this area?  Is all I can say? lol

J

Hi all, 

I just need to get things out in order to gain some clarity. My ADHD partner wants me to join him in his home country. For me it would mean having to rely on him at least for a while as I would have to learn the language in order to qualify for jobs. It does not seem that he will be much help in me finding a job either. He seems to be sure that he will find a job, but has struggled with it in the past. We are currently living in third country and he does not have a job (lives on unemployment benefits). In the past he has multiple times overspent and left me paying his part of the rent. He is doing better financially these days, but is still challenged by a lot of things. However, I have to admit that he has definitely put in an effort. 

What concerns me more is what I perceive his somewhat selfish behavior. He is not willing to discuss any other options and he tells me that having a family with me would be a comprmise. In his ideal life he would choose a rather unsteady career over a family. It angers and hurts me the way he makes the relationship and having a family somewhat my issue and hence also assumes that I will have to go to lengths to make it happen. He does not even consider moving to my home country. OK, I can understand his concerns about this. But somehow the way he presents everything makes me really doubt the relationship. He gets angry at me for not making a decision- whether I want to follow him or not. He tells me that this is just because I want to have a family, otherwise we could continue in our current country of residence where he could pursue the career of his dreams. It seems to me that he is making everything sound like a giant favor to me and has very little concern for my feelings. In addition, when we were still discussing him moving to my home country, I actually asked around, looked at job anouncements, gave him multiple suggestions- which he thought were all worthless. He has not asked around, not looked at any jobs, but just assumes me to find a job on my own. He has also told me that if I am not following him, we will be breaking up. 

I feel like a battered wife. Like someone who is manipulated into decision and whose concerns and emotions are not relevant. I have felt like this in the past as well with several other topics which I have brought up, such as him flirting with other women. He made the whole issue about my insecurities as a woman, neglecting his role in it. Now I feel that he is again trying to override me with his wishes and concerns and telling me that it is his way or highway. I feel that I have kept changing and changing, compromising and compromising and all I get for this is him expecting me to even go further. When I offered my moving to my homecountry as an option, he called me selfish and told me how I want to make him give up everything. Option to move to his homecountry however is still somehow a favor to me- because it gives us an option to have kids. I somehow feel that he is twisting everything. 

I know I could manage moving, but I am having my doubts about a partner who I feel does not take my concerns seriously and often puts them off as a sign of my personal misgivings (he actually told me that me wanting to have kids is a sign of me feeling unlovable and wanting a child to compensate for this feeling). Am I overreacting? I feel I need an opinion of a bystander. I feel that something is wrong here, but I am not sure if my instincts and feelings are right.