So this is one of those moments that I KNEW I would have, where I am in that "what was I thinking" mode.  I still think I made the right decision to let him stay until March (or when he gets what he needs to go be on his own) - because I made that choice out of love.  But I certainly DO feel like he was making those changes, and following through on things etc to get me to let him stay - I feel like he manipulated me.  Because once that I did, he has really slacked off and gone back to how he used to be.  At this point, he contributes VERY little to the home regularly.  He does pay for his own cigarettes and he pays for the gas in the truck.  But he isnt keeping up with the things he said he would do.  Its falling on my shoulders again to pick up the slack.  Which would not be such a big deal if we were truly sharing finances and working together to get things done (because then we would be contributing together).  He did help me move boxes down stairs that were too heavy for me.  And he helped me set up a table in my craft room.  He still asks me if I need things when he gets up.  But... those major changes he made, where he seemed genuinely wanting to follow through and be responsible and contribute... seems to have slipped away.  I hope I am wrong about him doing it to manipulate me.  I WANT to be wrong.

I am glad he is able to save for what he needs, but I am pretty disappointed that all that initial change he made seemed to be just a ploy to get what he wanted.  He also likes to treat himself a couple of times to fast food for lunch.  I wonder if he will ever feel like treating me to dinner instead of me paying for it all the time.  Last night I had hoped he would say it was his treat - but he didnt.  Silly to hope for something so trivial I guess!

He is leaving, and I will be OK.  He is leaving and I will be OK.  I love him with my whole heart - a choice I make every day.  I am sad that he believes love is something that just exists, that its a feeling you have.  How very sad to live to shallowly.  For him and everyone who loves him truly.  How sad for me.

Anyway - just one of those days I am feeling down and "less than".  

So I have been married for almost 4 years now.  I have ADHD, MDD, insomnia and panic disorder and possible bi polar disorder. She has been told she has anxiety and a personality disorder (most likely BPD), but refuses get diagnosed or treated because shes in the military and is afraid of repercussions. Her psychiatrist allows this. I am on medications for all of my disorders as well as seeing a physiologist. I have been making good forward progress with myself, which she agrees with, yet tells me Im getting worse when shes yelling at me.

She ignores and invalidates my disorders. I get no support from her, she refuses to acknowledge that I have issues and disorders. To make it worse she uses her conditions as an excuse for behaviors and actions. She says shes working on them herself but it takes time, while expecting my issues to not be a factor in ever.

She says that I invalidate her. I, from time to time, may come off as invalidating her view points, when her viewpoints are based on nothing but her own feelings which she'll twist to her advantage or bring up part of because the rest will contradict her. I will try to calmly and politely point out why her thought process makes no sense. But then she gets angry and changes the subject to something else as she realizes Im in the right

She regularly tells me shes afraid I will hurt her or our son, which I have never done or threatened to do. She has called the police numerous times saying that I was going to hurt her. Every time the police have told her that a verbal argument does not constitute a police emergency. She argues that because some people sometimes become violent then I will become violent at some point. She tells me I'm a bad and neglectful parent because I don't do everything she says or do things the way she thinks they need to be done concerning our son.

We will sit and have a calm discussions about things and when we argue she ignores it and will only accept her way. We both have issues with compromise and I do still occasionally. Its one of the first things I worked on in counseling. She expects that I am to do what she says and not question it. When I let her know that I don't like her doing certain things it turns into her telling me Im controlling her.

She asks for space, yet complains that I'm ignoring her when I give it to her. She says she wants to separate to work on herself, yet refuses to work on herself while were together.She states it takes time to work on things yet shes been saying that for a year. We've tried counseling a few times but she gets upset and refuses to go the first time the counselor brings up an issue that my wife feels is against her. I even had my own and within a week she wanted me to move back in. Only when shes angry with me does she bring up separation

All this agitates my disorders. My psychologist and both our friends and family (hers as well) feel that she is the main cause of my emotional state. They see the changes in me since we've been married, going from someone who is carefree and optimistic to being admitted to a psychiatric hospital for having a nervous breakdown that caused suicidal ideations. Yet she tells me its my fault I ended up there. She blames me for any problems in our marriage and refuses to acknowledge any issues she causes.

I realize that I have issues and am not the easiest person to deal with. I have mood swings, a short temper, I can be stubborn at times. I get irritated and fed up with her excuses, rather they are valid or not. I have erratic sleep patterns, which cause me to be irritable. I have many issues both present and past. I am trying to learn to recognize my issues with my disorders and come up with solutions. Until we were married I used substances to numb my emotions when they came into play. Learning to deal with emotions that Ive never had is difficult, especially due to the fact that they are so severe and strong. This causes me to overreact in certain situations as I dont know how to handle them. And Im sure theres other things Im either not thinking of or not aware of.

My husband is not diagnosed and currently we are living in Africa, so getting a diagnosis will be a challenge to say the least.  I have been reading and researching, trying to educate myself and then sharing with my husband.  He's a bit in denial, he agrees this may be him, but feels it's very mild in his case and not much of a problem for us.  He thinks I'm just not relating to him in a positive enough way, that I make him nervous, and no one would ever be able to live up to my standards.  I just want honesty and reliability.  I swear I was nice and gave gentle reminders for the first year or so, but then I felt it wasn't working, so tried to let him reap the consequences of his inattentiveness and forgetfulness.  Then I began to just take over what he didn't seem able to handle.  And now I've become someone I hate, someone who yells just to be heard, to get a word in before he changes the arguments direction again.  I am at the breaking point.  I don't feel like I've got a partner, I feel like I've got a passenger.

I began to wonder about his mental capacity soon after marriage... Asking myself, is he special needs?  I seriously considered this.  I just couldn't reconcile the man who seemed to hold a job and appeared to do very well in that environment to the man incapable of taking the rubbish all the way to the trash bin and actually putting it in the trash bin.  Should we pursue an AD/HD evaluation?  Is this what it looks like?

When we have a disagreement, he is never wrong, very defensive, justifies every action or thought, and if that doesn't work he minimizes the situation, saying I'm overreacting, it's just a mistake, why are you so angry over this.  He doesn't get that I'm beyond frustrated that he is still making the same mistakes day after day, never learning from them, he continues to justify why it was okay to repeat the mistake this time.  He talks incessantly too, talks over me, changes tac so much I lose my own train of thought.  I can't keep up and we are so far off track by the end, I call it the merry go round of word vomit.  He lives in a perpetual bubble of pink frothy optimism!  He keeps telling me how much he's improved, What!  "I'm trying", he says!  When I ask him what does that mean exactly?  He has no answer other than that he sees the issue now, before he didn't.  But he's said that every time we've had the same argument.  Seriously, how many times does the light bulb come on before it can just stay on?  I've not seen any palpable change, I only get more, "I won't forget this time" or "trust me, I won't do that again", does he not understand those promises mean nothing after a few hundred times.  

Meanwhile I feel the resentment building, the taxes aren't done, we continue to live a life like "Groundhog Day" the movie, and always I'm the bad person who's got anger issues! I feel like a patsy, a fool, I feel weak, ineffective, I feel like I got the bait and switch and I fell for it.  I am utterly worn down emotionally trying to get him to change to see things from my perspective.

I think the worst part for me is that he is actually able to forget that we are having marital problems.  As long as we still had relations in the bedroom, all was well in his world.  We can have knockdown drag out fights and he's forgotten them the next day.  He diminishes them in his mind to minor disagreements that weren't that bad, that is if he remembers them at all.  If you ask him we have a great relationship!   If you ask me, I just wonder, is he even present in this marriage? Since I've stopped wanting him sexually he is still able to convince himself we are okay, that some how he'll do better and fix everything.  How long can he go on this way?  How many times will he turn the corner, see the light, not forget this time before he wants to actually do something about it.  

I just had a light bulb moment.

During our 1st 2 years of dating, I noticed my husband was forgetful and clumsy. I noticed that he had organizational problems, and problems focusing, but I thought it was due to his heavy stress load due to residency/parent issues.

During our 1st 2 years of marriage, these things became more noticeable and I became more angry.

• i cannot rely on him, even for simple things
• i feel alone, a lot
• he constantly needs to "clear his head"-- which leaves me a lone
• i have to keep track of myself, my career, and his stuff.. which is mentally exhausting for me
• he is emotionally labile, extreme emotions
• i cannot even speak to him without getting into an argument
• im so sick of the forgetfulness, because it means i have to remember everything
• it feels like i have a child, not a partner
• im scared to have children with him, because i know i will have a breakdown. i cannot keep track of everyone and everything
• i can no longer tolerate or deal with his anger issues
• his pacing up and down constantly is so bothersome to me
• i can see that friends/family look at him like he is so bizarre, which makes me feel uncomfortable
• i am having a lot of anxiety about the future... because i cannot tolerate this for the rest of my life
• i feel like i am losing myself, i am tired of giving and giving and taking care of him
• i just want to have an equal partner
• there is so much more to this....

I am so happy that I found this website. I dont want to leave my husband, but I know that I cannot be in a marriage like this forever. I just cant, none of my needs are being met.

Please help me :(