Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • never enough compliments for ADHD husband by: dvance 7 years 11 months ago

    Does anyone else have this experience with their ADHD person?  He seems to need SO many compliments on pretty much anything and everything he does.  He makes the entire Thanksgiving dinner every year--he always has.  And it's fine.  But for gods sake--all the fishing for compliments--before the meal when I say something smells good, not Thank you, but REALL?  It smells good???  in response.  Then all during dinner--every bite he takes is followed by a deep sigh and then yes, this DID come out well or some such.  Jeez.  Enough.  This evening he made some tofu thing and yes, it looks and smells great, but then he goes in to the kitchen to taste it and comes out with this look of bliss on his face.  I say WHAT?  And he goes, Wow, that really is delicious.  And by the way--I tasted the item that caused the blissful look and guess what--not that good.

    The constant need for compliments--it's just exhausting.  And can I tell you--he is a fine cook, but by no means on his way to professional chef for gods sake.  Same with anything he does for the boys--if he buys them something or makes them something--it's just constant.  Am I just being a big bitch??  Anyone else experience this?  There is so much undone around our house I cannot stand it and then he wants all these kudos when he DOES do something?  His bedroom closet looks like a hurricane ran through.  His desk in our master bedroom--same.  The garage--worse.  The carpet that needs cleaning--bugging me for months.  The stuff he leaves laying around the living room--drives me nuts.  But oh yes dear--a million thank yous for the dinner.  I am a big bitch aren't I.  I just don't think any amount of compliments are ever going to be enough.

  • Delusional Disorder or Bi-Polar?? Possibly? by: kellyj 7 years 11 months ago

    I know very little about this topic of delusional disorders but....I did read that they can be something that comes with Bi-Polar disorder and at this time....I think this is what my wife is suffering from?  It is the only way to explain it?  I see the symptoms of depression and she does self medicate but that is not her main issue.  Her main issue is that "she thinks"...she see's things, hears things, and knows things that are not there or she thinks I know things or am thinking things about her ( as well as others ) that there is no way for her to know either?   An article that I just read in an effort to figure this out...said this....

    Causes of delusion

    There are two alternate causes for developing grandiose delusions:[9]

    Delusion-as-defense: defense of the mind against lower self-esteem and depression.

    Emotion-consistent: result of exaggerated emotions.

    Symptoms

    According to the DSM-IV-TR diagnostic criteria for delusional disorders, grandiose-type symptoms include grossly exaggerated beliefs of:

    self-worth

    power[5]

    knowledge

    identity

    . A person with delusional disorder may be high functioning in daily life. Recent and comprehensive metaanalyses of scientific studies point to an association between a deterioration in aspects of IQ in psychotic patients, in particular perceptual reasoning.[5][6][7]

    Types of Delusional Disorder

    There are different types of delusional disorder based on the main theme of the delusions experienced. The types of delusional disorder include:

    Erotomanic: Someone with this type of delusional disorder believes that another person, often someone important or famous, is in love with him or her. The person might attempt to contact the object of the delusion, and stalking behavior is not uncommon.

    Grandiose: A person with this type of delusional disorder has an over-inflated sense of worth, power, knowledge, or identity. The person might believe he or she has a great talent or has made an important discovery.

    Jealous: A person with this type of delusional disorder believes that his or her spouse or sexual partner is unfaithful.

    Persecutory: People with this type of delusional disorder believe that they (or someone close to them) are being mistreated, or that someone is spying on them or planning to harm them. It is not uncommon for people with this type of delusional disorder to make repeated complaints to legal authorities.

    Somatic: A person with this type of delusional disorder believes that he or she has a physical defect or medical problem.

    Mixed: People with this type of delusional disorder have two or more of the types of delusions listed above.

    My wife admits to having distortions?  Distortions or delusions if they are exaggerated enough?  She also admits ( and it shows ) low self esteem but nothing of the kind shows other than her feelings of persecution.  She hears things all the time and things things are there that aren't.  She exaggerates everything in respect to her emotions and makes mole hills into mountains. She thinks she can read peoples minds or has this ability? She gives herself credit for having abilities she doesn't have or thinks..she doesn't have abilities that she does have and doesn't know the difference?  She believes things that border on the ridiculous and has paranoid thoughts about people and what they are thinking? ( including me )  Grandiose and persecution delusions appear to the most common types and or a mix including the ones listed?  I cannot help but think this is what my wife suffers from since...she makes no sense what so ever so times.  As it said....high functioning patients do not have bizarre or completely off the wall delusions....just exaggerated thoughts that extend onto others without a means for good insight ( into themselves or others ) and things appear...as they are not many times to a person who suffers from this disorder?

    To me this makes sense?  It doesn't appear to be Narcissism or Borderline ( confirmed by my T ) so then what is this then, I really want to know?  It's more just aberrant thoughts or feelings and emotions which become distortions or hallucinations along with what looks like mood disorder of Bi-Polar which again...I know very little to nothing about?  The key thing that happened just last night when this happened again...was she was in a elated mood from getting a good review from work?  She was so ready to hear bad news or bad review...that she when she heard good news..she was all up and happy and in a more manic state you might say?  That's when it happened and that is when she starts taking on these delusions of grandeur as it would appear?  If this is Bi-Polar disorder...then that is what she has?  She has no idea or ability to see this in herself and one thing the article said was this "cling to these distortions with tenacity"....and if taken from them or if tried to alter their perceptions with insights that suggest they are wrong in what the believe ( even in the delusion itself ) it can trigger extreme reactions and anger or suicidal thoughts as well as a complete disruption of their world...so to speak?  House of cards thinking it's a Mansion...in how I would put it?

    This is what I see as well?  I don't think my wife has ADHD but actually a delusional disorder and possbily Bi-Polar but I think that is only because her mother was diagnosed Bi-Polar but she was delusional as Hell IMHO?  But this is way out of my league and I have no way of knowing any of this other than to say...what I know of ADHD......these things are not present?  If anyone has any thoughts or ideas....I would be glad ( very happy ) to hear them since I really have no idea?  I just googled "delusions"...and this is what I came up with?

     

    J

  • External Locus of Control ... Negotiation and Conflict by: kellyj 7 years 11 months ago

    I hadn't done this before....so I looked up the differences between men and woman when it comes to the construct of Internal vs External Locus of control..and I ran across just one article that was enlightening to say the least.  Getting right to the heart of this matter as the article suggests........

     

    Locus of Control, Coping, and Sex

    Abstract

    The literature has shown a relationship between locus of control, coping, and sex.The present study explores the relationships between these constructs. In this study, three hypotheses were tested: (1) Males should have a stronger belief in an internal locus of control and females should have a stronger belief in a powerful-others locus of control;(2) Males and females should prefer different coping behaviors; and (3) Males shouldhave a stronger correlations between an internal locus of control and the different coping behaviors, while females should have a stronger correlation between a powerful others locus of control and the different coping behaviors. The 72 participants (20 males and 52females) were drawn from BU undergraduates that were in PS325 or that were friends of those in PS325. Each participant completed two measures - Levenson’s Internality,Powerful Others, and Chance Scales (Levenson, 1981) and Carver and his colleagues’Brief COPE Inventory (Carver et al., 1997) - and were asked their sex. This study found that there were no sex differences in perceived locus of control, that each sex preferred a number of different coping behaviors, and that there were few sex differences in the strengths of correlation between locus of control and coping behaviors.

    Individuals in western culture are socialized to view females as lesser than males. As a result, males view themselves as powerful and independent. On the other hand, females view themselves as weak and dependent upon males. The different role of males and females is used to explain sex differences in personality traits.As a result of different gender roles, each sex should have a difference in perceived locus of control. Males should have a stronger perception of an internal locus of control and females should have a stronger perception of an external locus of control.If this is true, then the previously described relationship between locus of control and coping should also appear between genders. The more external females should show a preference for coping behaviors that rely on others, while the more internal males should show a preference for coping behaviors that rely on themselves..................though this appears to be a valid conceptualization of LOC, it presents a number of problems. The first problem is externality’s ambiguity. To describe an individual as external is to say that he or she believes that any outside source determines the out come of an event. The outside source could be another individual, luck, or god. It is impossible to distinguish these varying views when externality is treated as a single sub construct.

    The key components or definitions here that are relevant to  "external locus of control" to me are:

    Constructs : Beliefs

    Powerful Others

    Coping with stress

    Sub- Constructs

    And Maladaptive means to relieve stress

    Further, this article went on to say....as a result of different gender roles, each sex should have a difference in perceived locus of control. Males should have a stronger perception of an internal locus of control and females should have a stronger perception of an external locus of control.If this is true, then the previously described relationship between locus of control and coping should also appear between genders. The more external females should show a preference for coping behaviors that rely on others, while the more internal males should show a preference for coping behaviors that rely on themselves............

    Defining Coping Style: 

    Coping refers to how an individual consciously responds to stress (Haan, 1977;Cramer, 1998). It was initially described as two, independent sub constructs (e.g., Waysof Coping; Folkman et al., 1980). The first sub construct, problem-focused coping,includes cognitions and behaviors that act to alter or resolve stress. An example of a problem-focused behavior is planning. The second sub construct is emotion-focused coping and includes cognition and behaviors that attenuate the negative emotions.....

      Locus of Control, Coping, and Sex    A behavioral example of emotion-focused coping is venting (Folkman et al.,1980).A criticism of early measures of coping is that they only measured positive forms of coping. However, some individuals will respond to stress in a nonproductive way.

    This led to the creation of a third sub construct known as avoidant or maladaptive coping in measures such as the Coping Strategy Index (CSI; Amirkhan, 1990). Mal adaptive coping is any behavior or cognition that serves to escape from, but not resolve, a stress.This includes behaviors such as substance use (Amirkhan, 1990; Carver et al. 1989)

    The key terms in this section for me are:

    Coping

    Attenuate

    Avoidant / Non Productive

    Resolution or better   NON Resolution

    This is exactly what I see.  This is the What and the Why both explained to me and now....I have to sit back and soak this all in?

    My personal feelings about this when I read it only made me angry.  It confirmed what I have know most my life..and now I know why?  Powerful others?  Give me a break!!!  I'm not a powerful other...in respect to a person?  That's not my job..to be a powerful other and this seems so disrespectful...and I don't even know how to put this into words?  As defined....my place in this construct ( which is just a stupid belief ) since no evidence supports any differences between men and women ( by nature ) to support any of this hog wash in terms of "social constructs" which is all that this is?  I realize I am fighting against something I have no control over....but none the less....just because I have no means to fight against something ( I feel is personally stupid ) doesn't mean I have any power to do anything about it....even if it's stupid and completely ridiculous??

    I mean really....all that makes me is a "thing" or vehicle for someone else's dysfunction which is exactly what it feels like.....being "used" which it is?  But I also have to apply some compassion...because this is no ones fault...in particular?  Woman..are not "weaker" than men as been proven scientifically through thousands upon thousands of test and research?  And men and women are not different inherently..and this is Nurtures fault?  It is what you are "taught" in other words..and are only belief in something that is not true and I personally...never believed it was which is why this is so frustrating?  You can blame this on men in one respect...but you also have to consider...that there are plenty of women out there who don't or who didn't believe it either which is also very true...even in the past?

    What I feel strongly...and even more now so.....that strength comes from within....and strength in terms of coping....is really what this is talking about anyway?

    I guess for now.....I just wanted to put this out there as a means to explain something....intangible but yet real?  And possibly...shine a spot light on what is wrong....so as not to blame "things" on thr wrong "things"...and in doing so....get to the bottom of it?

    This "Powerful Others" thing...is the one I'm having the most difficulty with?  I find this so offensive and so contrite...that is un-nerves me and I feel a fair amount of resentment over it?  I am not...a "thing" to serve a construct or misguided belief?  I am also not in service or designed to serve two masters in this way.  That goes so against everything I believe in for myself and for anyone else for that matter....that the only way I can see this as "using others" to get what you want in a very selfish and self serving way...only due to what is easy and a belief and nothing more?  It's using another Human being is what it is....and I find that offensive and outrageous....even if it is just a construct which is nothing more than believing something that is not true and a lie?  It's the construct that's a lie.....even though I know that it is...it still makes me angry...and it still makes me feel like I am being used.

    The one thing I know about myself and this much is true....."I don't dance or perform"....or "cater" to someone else beliefs if they are being imposed on me surreptitiously..and presented in a package marked....."should be" and presented as if...."I should?"  And then.... have them get angry at me for "not dancing" and "performing for them"...and doing a "Jig" while they look and in entertainment?  Because I'm suppose to. So they won't have to?  This guy don't dance for anyone especially...an outdated, outmoded , and untrue false belief like this one and the construct designed to make me do so?

    To be sure....I am not talking directly about my wife...but only what she believes which can be changed if she felt like it....by just deciding to do so over night?  It still leaves her without the coping mechanisms though....which is part of what makes me angry?  The way and the means to cope...and HOW she is trying to use me to do so?  The main point that resonated with me however...is confirming that this is not my job and I don;t work for her inability...and that fact that it is not designed to get resolution...and only designed to relieve "stress" at my expense?  This was confirming and validating.  What I do with it...will be up to me to decide?

    Mental....not ....physical weakness.  Just like I said??  And men...have got no corner on the market in that area...as a proven fact?  In fact.....probably lessor so..for a man with ADHD just to begin with?  Which means...the amount of work and effort to exceed a woman in this area....as it suggests from this misguided construct....is really hypocritical and really is like playing both sides of the fence which is totally unfair but...what are you going to do about it?  Fight city Hall?  I don't think so...but it doesn't make it right?

    I will say this for the sake of argument?  My ego not only does not need to be the "Powerful Other One"....and I get absolutely nothing from being that and playing this ridiculous role if that is "my role" that I am expected to play?  To the point...it only takes from me a way....that causes me to be resentful and feel disrespected?  It's Fake....is what it is....and definitely NOT REAL or realistic...in reality....not some fairy tale or social construct? For what it's worth?  I know this is a vent...and I know why it is...but it really is something that has to be dealt with in reality....even if it is only a belief and nothing more?  It reminds me of something I said ( somewhere in here? )....If you want to make a believer out of someone.....experiences IS the best teacher?

     

    J

  • How to make my ADD spouse my Ally, not my Enemy by: DependentOrigination 7 years 11 months ago

    I had a moment yesterday night... as I was sobbing in the phone to my husband (the result of two sleepless nights - no inciting cause for the insomnia and having only seen him 3 of the last 8 nights about 6 hours total, and no shared nights sleeping together). And after I hung up from my conversation with him, I was kicking myself. Because, while my "negotiations" (for lack of a better term - they aren't really fights anymore - although I have thrown things twice his month) are getting better, I still keep forgetting the rules I set out for myself:


    1. Learn to ask for help without hurting someone. 
    2. Learn to ask for help without hurting anyone. 
    3. Don't miss him when he's gone, and fight with him when he is around. Then it's just a vicious cycle. Love him voraciously when he is around, and love yourself when he is not. 


    So my question is this: When did my best friend, biggest support, and lover, become my enemy, not my ally. As I sat there sobbing on the phone, he said some pretty interesting things like: he does feel lonely, he is alone. And how did our relationship get so turned around we are both contravening the actual things that might make us both better or happier. He truly wants to be a good spouse. So how do we help each other in this?


    (I get why some of it turned around - some disloyalty, my misunderstanding of his ADD behaviours, his control issues - but my husband is a good and generous husband who loves his kids, has tons of acquaintances, but constantly is losing friends). 


    How do I inspire him to make this the greatest marriage on the face of the planet? How do I harness all that ADHD energy and turn it to an advantage?
    L.  
    (PS. Had the shock of my life tonight when my beautiful 17 year old daughter who has been struggling in school this year screened strongly positive on a self assessment questionnaire for inattentive ADHD) 

     

  • My husband is bipolar, but the communication issues are the same... by: Catalina S 7 years 11 months ago

    My husband is diagnosed bipolar - I'm not sure of the specifics - and an addict. But, he's not ADHD, to my knowledge. I'm here because a google search on "I get angry with my husband and he turns it around on me" brought me here. There is a post by someone who wrote pretty much what I'm experiencing and feeling. I have to vent. I need to talk. I have a couple of friends, but they're having their own issues. I can also talk to my daughter, but that's so unfair to her because she also has her own issues. SO, I apologize for what I know full well is going to turn into a venting session or three... ::weak smile:: And I apologize for my wordiness... ::another weak smile:: Thanks for listening!

    We just had another big fight. I'm frustrated, anxious, and I'm sick, so nauseated and have a headache. I want to say, "Maybe it's me," but I know it's not, really. I know that I certainly play a part, but the issues we're having, I understand co-dependency, I understand enabling, all that. I've even been to therapy alone, by myself, because the last time we had a big fight, he told me, "Maybe you should go to therapy and find out what's bothering you."

    ::Deep sigh:: So here we are again. I know I'm here because our fights are never resolved. I know I'm here because I never feel cared for, valued, or heard. This time, the fight was over cranberry sauce... I know my husband likes cranberry sauce, so when I cooked for Thanksgiving, I bought four cans. I went to bed on Wednesday, and when I got up Thursday, there were THREE cans left. He'd eaten a can overnight as if it were Jello. So, I was irritated, but I kept telling myself, "He's such a boy. That's so cute. Well, you knew he was going to do that, that's why you got four cans." I stuffed it. Then, with dinner, I opened and put two cans on the plate and in the back of my head I heard myself say, "There should be two cans for tonight, and two for leftovers tomorrow, but because he decided to have a can..." and then I left off, because I reminded myself that I thought it was so cute and boyish, and then I told myself to let it go. And I tried.

    Backing up now to Wednesday, when my addicted husband went out and got at least five bottles of wine that I distinctly recall, and possibly more. Never mind all the times he has said he wouldn't drink wine anymore, and made all the vague promises of an addict about the wine... The last promise was, "If you get me wine, I'll never ask you again." And I enabled him by getting it, giving him and myself the excuse that he'd just had his second hip replacement in three months, and he wasn't taking opiates, and he needs something to dull the pain... This time, he didn't even ask me, he just got it on his own. Anyway, the reason I can't count for certainty is because of the way my husband "shares" or "metes out" the wine. He was already drinking by the time I'd gotten home from work, of course, so I don't know how much was consumed. Then, when I got home, he poured me half a glass and refreshed his glass. He "shared" the rest by waiting until he'd finished a full glass and I'd finished half of mine. Then, he'd refill my glass to the halfway mark, i.e., a quarter of a glass, and he'd refill his completely, i.e., half a glass. This went on until the night when I would go to bed, and he would continue drinking, sharing the wine as described. Why all the detail? Because it was like the cranberry sauce; most for me and a little for you.

    Backing up now to a couple of weeks ago, and the promise he made about the wine... He asked for beer instead. When I reminded him of his promise, he said, "I promised not to ask you for wine." He smiled in such a boyish and charming way, and reminded me of his suffering, and told me that beer doesn't really get him high, anyway, but it takes the edge off the pain. So I indulged him. I got him some beer and I got myself Twisted Tea. When he finished his six pack, he asked me for some of my TT and said if I really loved him, I would share. Now, I like to have my beverages and space them out over the DAY. He finished his beer within two hours, maybe less.  So, like the wine and like the stuffing, I caved and stuffed my feelings about it.

    Finishing up this post, I promise... SO, back to my years before meeting my husband. I was a single mother for most of my daughter's life. Her father, who is also bipolar and an addict, was so out of control that I finally had to divorce him. Many of the years with my daughter and I were lean, and so I sacrificed MANY THINGS so that she could have a few things. I mostly sacrificed FOOD. I gave her the bigger portions. I sent her to school with lunch, and I went without. I'm not complaining about that AT ALL; besides, I was probably in the best shape of my life then. Anyway, the point is the sharing and sacrificing I did for her I find myself doing with my husband, but UNWILLINGLY. What do I mean? Well, we'd go to dinner, we would bring home doggy bags, and he would eat his AND mine. He wouldn't even ask, he would just eat it, and say, "if you snooze, you lose." Or we'd order out, and I'd order something I really liked so I could take it for lunch, and he would eat it during the night, saying, "Finders, keepers!" When I told him that bothered me, he would do things like call me at work and ask if he could have my leftovers for lunch, or before I went to bed, he would ask me if he could eat my leftovers if he got hungry in the night. AND I ALWAYS SAID YES... and I stuffed it. Then one day I got angry and blew up about it, and I explained why I felt the way I did. I told him I wanted to be in a place where I could just have my leftovers, or just have something to myself, after so many years of sacrificing for my daughter. He stopped eating my leftovers without asking and stopped asking for my food for a while, but it started up again. It finally got to the point the other day when he sent me a text that the dog drank one of my beers - yep, diffusion by humor tactics. So I stuffed it... And then the cranberry sauce happened.

    It's such a small thing. I mean, rationally, I know it's a small thing. Except it's not - there's the bigger underlying issue that he's not even attempting to understand. And to make matters worse, this minor cranberry incident ended with me blowing up like a harridan, a harpy, a fishmonger's wife (all things that my mother used to call me - boom, more underlying issues), giving my husband an excuse to get angry and me for getting angry at him, with the end result that he's now freezing me out, refusing to talk to me, telling me that he can't forgive all the things I said to him, and that he needs space.

    And, we've had these fights before, which are NEVER resolved, because fights always end one of three ways: He apologizes (about 60% of the time), hugs me and says "You know I love you, right?"; Or, I tell him what's bothering me, being very careful not to imply that he's at fault and telling him that I feel like I'm stuffing my feelings and we really need to go to therapy so that we can both talk about how we're feeling with a neutral third party (about 20% of the time); Or, I blow up (about 10% of the time) because I've been sublimating, I try not to call names, but I do throw MANY accusations at him, including telling him he's being passive-aggressive with me, or that he's being a shit then telling him that we never really resolve things and we keep on ending up HERE because we never really resolve things because he keeps avoiding discussions that involve emotions, especially his.

    And so, here we are, again, and he told me this morning to make an appointment for therapy and he would be there.

    Thanks for "listening"! Wish us luck. Provide any insights you feel apply; I will consider any and all. 

    Catalina

  • I am defeated and lost don't know how else to save this by: ADDdarkPassenger 7 years 11 months ago

    Hello! I have been educated by this site and the book for about 6 months. My husband and I are in our mid 40s and have been married 28 years. We fight every 2 weeks, every fight is an explosive one regardless of how it starts. I have social anxiety so this is not me to post but I read every day the frustration and I see progress and incredible support from members. I will do the best I can to edit but I will apologize in advance as I am not very good at short and sweet. 

    Our history the good and the bad. Spouse took ADD meds in high school, said they made him feel like a zombie, he didn't think about ADD or consider it in any part of his adult life, I knew he had it as a kid but never thought anything about it either. He is a military man, excelled in his career and retired, no real issues in the Army but I have since learned this is actually an excellent job for an ADDer, there is only one choice, you will do it or their will be consequences. We met as teens, experienced hyperfocus not knowing it at the time, got preggers, then marriage. All went pretty well until I got on the pill, didn't want as much sex as him so in stepped porn. This went on for 7 years. It started with bringing a magazine home from work, occasionally stopping at the vid store for porn to watch while I was at work but hid it from me, then the end of fuzzy cable pay channels that often clear up in the all important ending without paying. I got off the pill to fix our sex life, I got pregnant, then we bought a computer. The computer turned my world upside down. Porn, porn and more porn. This became a constant battle,  he would promise not to do, I would find it, he would lie only admitting with proof, he got better at hiding it and I got better at finding it, he still lied, I still found hope in each lie. He went on a tour to a place where trust would be needed, he partied there, I partied here, I had an affair. It was with a male friend of mine but was also a soldier in his unit. I did not reveal the affair. I know this sounds so bad but the affair became my coping mechanism every time I found porn again. "Oh yeah, not going to do porn again huh, Broke another promise again well at least I  "F" a real person. We worked through the affair after he discovered it in 2000 he promised to never look at porn again, I promised to never speak to affair again. Didn't last long at all, he got caught shortly after, he tested me with a fake screen name to see if I would talk to affair, I did, to tell him I wanted my marriage to work, the affair was my friend before the affair, I didn't want to be cruel, I knew he had feelings but yes I technically "talked"to him. I never talked to him again. I have never cheated or even come close since. I love my husband very much, I really do. 

    Because of his career, pretty much all household chores and kids were done by me, I supported his career and he will support mine at retirement from military. I supported his ENTIRE career, he was often gone for weeks, months or even a year at a time. He retired. Porn never stopped, I kept staying knowing full well he will "get me again" I got key loggers, asked him for honesty, he lied, I told him I knew, he lied, I told him I had a key logger on his laptop, he didn't know that, once again promises, lies. In 2010 he retired from military. We move home, I start my career while he starts to get ready to go to college. He can't start for 3months. I work in a miserable place, he plays video games. Doesn't help with house at all. I realize that him supporting my career didn't mean the same thing to him. We fight almost daily, I am disillusioned, I will be doing everything forever. It sucks. But I love him so I remain.

    we move for my career, fresh start. I love my job but resent him greatly. He starts school, I help almost daily, he helps me by cooking dinner. I can live with that but of course I wasn't home all day so he was alone. With porn. My sex life was the worst it had ever been. It was to simply appease me since he got his enjoyment during the week, he lied about it though, only admitting that this year. 2015 and 2016 has been pure hell. So many events have happened that I just cannot over look. Either his ADD is getting worse or we are just done. Hoping all of you will provide insight. I really feel like he throws tantrums. Some recent issues. We made somewhat of a relationship agreement, it allowed porn but also that he couldn't be negative in airports, (I have social anxiety, talking about the "fat"guards makes me uncomfortable, I'm afraid he will offend people and even when he whispers he is louder than he realizes) and some other things but we both had input and agreed to the agreement. These are the worst 2 incidents to my psych and it did something to me internally. He argued that he did nothing wrong. It hurt me unimaginably and it may have broke me. 

    Both started in an airport (hence it being in the agreement). 1st one, he has never been good with lines and people in the way, we exited the plane and were almost to the end where the ticket counters are and he got all pissy at this lady in his way, she was pregnant! I said something because how rude! He got pissed off and no talking. We fly home, I attempt to talk, never works, blow up fight, slams brakes on in middle of road, called me the big ol "C" word, I was absolutely mortified, it was loud and outside in the parking lot. Several attempt to talk but in my opinion this was one of those tantrums, my Christmas vacation was ruined. By day 5or6 he finally talks.

    the worst one for me and it changed my feelings for him is earlier this year. In line for security, he starts talking about how heavy the guards are, "what are they gonna protect" this was in the agreement, no negatives. He thinks it's fine because he was just "making conversation" social anxiety. Very uncomfortable in airports. I simply remind him of the agreement, he agreed to this same agreement, he gets all pissy and calls me the big ol"C" word again. I'm beyond mortified this time because I have to fly on a plane with these same people that saw it, I try to talk to him, he huffily gets up, and flips me off while walking to a different section. Vacation goes to hell. We fly home separately and I leave him. 

    Instead of no contact, we still slept together, still at same job, still make plans on weekends to do things together. I move back home. Not long before same ol returns. Same fights, same explosions, same everything. We read the book, we make changes, we do better at times. This leads me to this week. We get in so many fights over who was wrong but the problem seems to be he thinks he is 100% in the right. I started tracking my cycles and moods because maybe it's me, we've tried everything. It wasn't. He ironically is the most cranky on my happiest week. We made it a whole month without a fight because I was aware when I was moodier so could tell myself to shhh it. I actually thought maybe we turned a corner but then these 2 events that I just can't make sense of, i feel like i couldn't have done it different. Please help me and my spouse to sort out the ADD of this. Is he just being selfish? 

    Thanksgiving day, I wake up needing coffee he wakes up wanting to DO ALL THE THINGS! I get this, he is antsy in the morning, I am not, ever. He goes to get sugar and butter so he can do things. I have to cook and he knows this. At Walmart he sends like 10 texts with cute pics of him with toys to send to our granddaughter but he also sends them to me, so each time I stop what I'm doing to see text, its a little annoying but that's an ADD trait I find endearing so it's fine. He gets home 2.5 hours later. I help with food and then get back to cooking. He wants to plan our walk, I ask him to,let me finish, he says well before or after dinner? I asked him again to please let me finish i only have 15 mins left. He then proceeds again. I get annoyed and try to convey that I would like to finish and then I will plan walk, he gets pissed off, I try to explain he "doesn't even want to talk about" cutting me off  and storms upstairs. He still thinks I was the asshole and refuses to see it any other way. After yelling which he hates, he storms out and calls me the big ol C" word yet again.

    When he stays in the other room, he, by his own admission uses porn when we fight, when he stonewalls me for an entire day and I know he will be remaining in the other room, it causes anxiety for me because I am literally sleeping next door to him hurting me. I text him telling him this, he chooses to stay in the room anyway. He says he didn't use porn, how can I possibly believe him. He comes down the next morning, sits in chair, doesn't talk. So I start, I tell him my feelings about our marriage, how if he continues To use porn our marriage will never be what it could, that hurt will not heal until the porn ends. I have now allowed the porn for a few months, to see if we would improve, although it still bothers me but if he treated me with respect I think I can do it, I love this man so damn much. I was talking for a good while, fully intending to let him do the same, we are at the end here after all so not a lot gets held back, I tell him that he has never kept a single promise to me and that he hasn't been faithful either (porn) then he interrupted with an insult " funny coming from you" I try to proceed and he flips out because I interrupted his insult? It's been 3 days of hatred and stonewalling. I get this every time we fight now, then when he is calm and only when he is calm he wants to love me blah blah blah.

    is this an UNTREATED ADD plagued marriage or am I just holding on to a bad marriage? I will say I do love this man very much, when his temper is in check he is labor of fun, I love his spontaneity even if its irritating at times. He is also committed to this marriage he says, he has made improvements but as soon as there is a fight he is very mean, stonewalls, hates me, says such cruel things, he forgets these after the fact due to his ADD, I don't and it hurts. He just keeps hurting me.

  • Husband ruined vacation ~ even one that he didn't go on! by: overwhelmedwife 7 years 11 months ago

    My husband ruins nearly every vacation, but always blames others (usually me) for getting very upset, getting drunk, etc.  

     

    After awhile (I can be slow ...lol) I realized that he doesn't do well away from the comforts and routine of home.  So, when I needed to travel for a family wedding (I hadn't seen my family in nearly 3 years!), we agreed that he would stay home and I would go alone.  

     

    He promised that he wouldn't drink while I was gone and that he'd take care of everything.  I called him the first morning after I arrived and he seemed fine.  I called the second morning, and he seemed fine.  He asked a couple of questions, but nothing big because he wasn't having to do anything really except feed the pets each day (he's retired).

     

    That late afternoon of the 2nd day, my sister hosted a large dinner party in my honor.  Shortly after the dinner started, H called. I answered (because he gets mad if I don't answer), and it was obvious that he was VERY drunk.  I quickly went into a bedroom, closed the door, and H began to whine and complain about how terrible his day was and how he'd been drinking for 2 days straight.  I guess when I spoke to him that 2nd morning, he must have "slept off" the booze from the day before.  I told him that the phone call was keeping me from the dinner party, but he told me to "shut up" and listen.  I could NOT get off the phone.  Simply hanging up or getting off the phone before he agreed would just anger him and cause him to do something terrible (like break my things or drive drunk to get more booze).  I was paralyzed by this situation, feeling like I was in a lose/lose situation.  

     

    After telling him several times, including CRYING, that I was missing the dinner party and needed to get back to the party, he finally let me get off the phone, but I had missed the dinner.   

     

    The next day, I called him and he had NO MEMORY of the night before.  In fact, he actually reprimanded ME for not just turning off my phone!  Believe me, when I've tried that before he has retaliated by breaking my things or other terrible behaviors.  

     

    He also accused me of taking his phone calls in order to "make him look bad" to my family.  While I didn't tell my family that he was the one calling, they're not stupid so they knew, but said little to me about it.  They knew that I was embarrassed and upset over missing most of the dinner.  

     

    The next day, my cousin took me out to dinner and during THAT dinner (when the food just arrived at the table!), H texted that one of our dogs was having an issue (very sick) and that I needed to call him immediately.  I stepped outside the restaurant and called him.  H was obviously drunk again, and began ranting that I'm the worst wife in the world and that he was going to just get into my new car and drive to another state with it and never be heard from again.  Of course, he said that he was going to abandon the pets in our home (one of the dogs needs an important medicine twice daily).  He knew that I was across the country, and it was late evening and that there was no way that I could get back in time to deal with this.  I quickly had to call one of our kids to go over to our home.  Of course, H was later VERY angry that I did that because it made him "look bad".  Ugh.

     

    H is now threatening to "move out" the moment I get home.  That may sound like a blessing but it's not really. To get back at me, he'll sign a lease at a luxury expensive apartment in order to make sure that I have little money to live on.  He's done this before.  

     

    I am sick over this.  

     

    He won't go back into rehab and he won't go to AA.

     

     

  • Concerned about alcohol by: Suda 7 years 11 months ago

      Anyone have  issues with the ADHD spouse  drinking too often and too much? 

  • ADHD boyfriend acting like a martyr by: waldewin 7 years 11 months ago

    Hi all, 

    I was wondering if I am overreacting or has anyone else encountered similar problem. Namely, it seems to me that my boyfriend is constantly acting as if being in the relationship with me would be a favor from his side. He tells me that we are mostly talking about my topics which are not super interesting for him, he has full right to consider talking to me a favor that he is doing me. I have occasionally tried to make him talk about his issues and topics as well, but he just tells me that I overreact (by overreacting he refers to me getting upset when he tells me about things such as- I do not have any money to pay rent or I am not sure if I have work next month). Hence he has decided that he cannot talk to me about his troubles so communication is a favor for me. Oh, and he thinks that I am not knowledgable enough to talk about politics, so discussing these interest with me is also pointless. 

    He also lets me know about his frequent annoyances at home and tells me how difficult it is to manage with me. Yesterday he mentioned how my habit of leaving the dirty cups (for one day) on the table is something which he has great deal of difficulty accepting but he has finally made his peace with it and he loves me despite this. I am not going to tell you that often times his love declarations are formed in the similar manner- I love you despite...... (fill the gap). 

    Whenever I go somewhere with him, he later tells me how he was unable to enjoy the experience, because I did something wrong. I either was too much in my own thoughts, I did not like the same things he did, I rushed off etc etc. He later complains about my behavior and tells me that I cannot do things together with other people. 

    Finally, he is very caring and giving me frequent massages for instance. I always thank him and he likes doing things for me, so he usually does not make a big deal about this. However, whenever we fight, he mentions how he is doing so much more in the relationship than me and how I am very self-absorbed. I feel that I cannot even challenge this because he is in fact doing more things. However, I also feel less and less excited about accepting any of his good deeds, because I feel that he is holding those against me. 

    I have tried to discuss this with him, but he has the opinion that it is only normal that he considers things that he does not like, but still does as favors for me. He tells me that I have issues with feeling that I owe to someone. I however feel that, his constant comments on how annoying I am and how much he does for me make it very difficult for me to sustain a normal powerbalance in the relationship. 

    Thanks in advance!

    waldewin

  • I have ADHD and my wife has ADHD inattentive. Need advice, guidance by: Tyusadhd 7 years 11 months ago

    Hi Everyone, this is my first post.  I am 46 and my wife is 34,  we have been together for 4 years, married for 2.  How have you made it work?

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