Hi. Just looking for some moral support as I literally get down and dirty with dealing with my ex-h's stuff: cleaning out the basement. This is an ongoing process, but last night, I went into the worst room down there and encountered a dead mouse and lots of mouse droppings on storage surfaces. This morning, I hauled approximately 10 heavy cans of paint and stain up and outside, to the garage. And this is the easy stuff, the things I can carry by myself. I'm not feeling warm and fuzzy about my ex right now and I'm depressed about the many, many hours of these chores ahead of me.
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- mild hoarders by: PoisonIvy 8 years 3 weeks ago
- Deciding to stay or go - some good things, some bad, some very bad by: LRHG 8 years 3 weeks ago
i am the non-ADHD fiance for 7 years to a man with ADHD as well as sex addiction (SA). He was only diagnosed in the last 2 months. I knew very early on that he was exceedingly messy. But since he was away about 75% of the time and had his own home I could cope. I would happily clean up after my week with him and live normally until the chaos of another week with him. I found out shortly after this the cheating and it took me 2 years to realize he also has a sex addiction (craigslist, prostitutes are his thing).
The good
- he does agree he has ADD and SA
- he is very thoughtful and kind for the most part
- he can be relied upon in emergency situations
- I myself have a chronic illness and he has no issue with it
The bad
- he has taken some steps (2 appts with a sex addiction counsellor, 1 group SA meeting) but obviously not nearly enough, reading some books (Patrick Carnes)
- inability for us to communicate in a way to resolve problems - eg. I told him it seemed he didn't have much motivation and he took it to mean he was always wrong and was sick of the complaints. He then demanded solutions and I responded that I did have some ideas but it's not possible to share them if I 'can't get to that point in the conversation'
- very risky investments cost him $100,000 that I know of
- projects that should take 2 days not done in well over a month is typical
- in a chronic state of mess and chaos in the house
- chronic disappointment - eg I'[ll do this today and it NEVER gets done
- unrealistic ideas such as inviting guests for a weekend without telling me so I can prepare and not even having a place for them to sleep
- hard to get in any time with him as he is always so busy on goodness knows what
- just can't seem to priortize on what is important eg . will work on fixing old useless cell phones that should be tossed while he is jobless and should be looking for work
Does this all sound typical ? I feel like a nag for even writing it out but it has been so stressful I finally moved out of our home into an apartment just so I could feel good in my home due to not having a mess everywhere and him in a constant state of emergency.
- Finances - And Buying a $8000 Snowmobile by Maxing Out the Credit Card by: DependentOrigination 8 years 3 weeks ago
My husband and I are different people financially. Up until I went to university for a Master's Degree, and then got married and bought a house in a four year span, I used to be on top of my finances. Poor spending in university and then poor boundary setting with my husband and poor financial choices in the last four years have really set me back. I have good months and move many steps ahead, and I have bad months and move a step back.
Yesterday, I had a bad day at work. I have problems myself with handing multiple stimuli and stressors and yesterday, it kind of got out of hand. I was stressed out. I live in an apartment near my work three days a week to promote sleep, relaxation and less commuting. And it helps me deal with my husband. He was pretty quiet the last three days. Usually he is frantically calling me for some crisis or another, or wanting me to commiserate because someone is being an "asshole" to him or is angry at him, or maybe he wants to go on some course and he is checking in for "my permission"... But he was quiet. And when I texted him that I had a bad day, but I was trying to make it better by going to the gym and hitting the hot tub and then doing some yoga, he said, sure, I will talk to you tomorrow.
So I knew something was up. And that something, was a $8000 used snowmobile. That he bought, by maxing out his line of credit, maxing out his $2500 overdraft, and doing a cash withdrawal from his credit card.
And I cried. And I nagged. And I was an ADHD wife. And I could not, COULD NOT, be happy for him. And his @#$%&* snowmobile. And the $1300 SeaCan he wants to put in our back yard because we don't have the money saved for a garage yet.
He is 45. He has $110000 saved for retirement. He has no pension. He makes $120 to $150000 a year. He is $80000 in debt on a line of credit and has a credit card with a $25000 limit that he is always in various states of paying off. We are 3 years into our 20 year mortgage. And this kills me. It kills me. It makes me sob like a child in defeat. He is a contract worker, so the minute he is out of work, we are done. He has no disability insurance, even though I have been asking him for four years to get it. He is not saving for retirement, even though I have asked him about it and he has thought it would be a good idea.
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On another note. I read a great quote from Oprah, summarizing a Maya Angelou's advice about bad relationships. Oprah was telling her about a bad relationship she had with man who left her hanging all the time, and Maya said, Why are you blaming the man? When he shows you who he is, believe him, the first time. He knows himself better than you do, so trust him.
"When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time"
http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/when-people-show-you-who-they-are-...
My husband is who he is. I shouldn't try to change him. I should accept him or get out. I am working on accepting him. One step forward. One step back. Good, bad, ugly, bad, good. A whole shit load of grey.
- Realizations despite constant questions- not just ADHD by: Anonymous (not verified) 8 years 3 weeks ago
I haven't been on here a while because frankly, I got tired of being so obsessed and in pain with his symptoms and behavior that I stopped living my life and enjoying how amazing MY life is.
After much research and breaking down his moods, actions and recent ups and downs, I have realized that my H is not just suffering from ADHD but also bipolar and he also has Narcissistic traits. None of this can change unless he decides to get help and he is dead set against it and that shuts him down every time. The last things that opened my eyes were so strange and unacceptable.
My sunglasses screw came out and he said he would fix them for me. I didn't know that he saved the screw in a piece of duct tape. Fast forward, to a wonderful peaceful morning at about 7AM, he gets home from the gum and he asked me if I threw the duct tape out and I said I didn't recall but I have thrown out pieces of paper before since he is a hoarder so I told him I would look in the trash and low and behold, there it is. A tiny piece of duct tape. He proceeds to get upset with me, get in my face, ask me interrogation style why I threw it out, why I throw his things out, called me absent-minded. He sent me from peaceful to panicking, crying and anxious. Not again I thought. I let him control my emotions. He then tells me that this is the second time I threw this tape away and he had to get it from the trash once before. Then he asked me WHY WHY?? I yelled at him "How would I know why if I don't even remember doing it in the first place!?" So it ruined my morning and he kept calling me at work and finally text me that he was sorry. It has been 26 years of this emotional craziness. He calls ME absent-minded but he has ADHD. O...k...
He took forever to make a threshold for the livingroom/kitchen and so after 6 months of asking and reminding, I hire a local person and paid him $100. It was done. When he found out, he flipped his lid. He said he was irrelevant and said he is my head and I should have discussed it with him since he could have done it for much cheaper. So I told him that its been a while and I have reminded him and I wanted to take something off his plate (ha, in other words just get it done since he has ample time in a day) and he was so upset. He then said that he has to LEND me $2,000 for my car repairs and I go ahead and spend $100 on the apt. All this because he asked me how my day was and I said that I did the wash and mopped and also got threshold done and waited for the repair man. Side point, I did all that housework while in a cast after achilles rupture tear. He was so upset he didn't care about all the work I did at home.
Now about this $2,000 loan for my car. He has money in his account, I do not. It's weird but he has gotten 2 settlements from his moms death and other things and I never felt ok asking for money. He huffs and asks when I will pay back. I have always bailed him out when I can and he has needed and I am happy to. Anyway, I offered my year end bonus to pay back the loan since I need my car to work and was going back finally after my surgery. So he wanted to buy a cargo van as an extra vehicle (luxury) even though we can live without it. He proceeds to tell me with a huff and puff "great there goes my plans to buy the van" and then he said it again when upset over threshold as mentioned in the previous paragraph and finally when his friend who was selling his van called him, he said he would love to buy it but he has to pay for my car. O..k. Enough. I borrowed the money from my sister and told him to go ahead with his plans. I was disgusted.
So yesterday his girlfriend asked him for $1300 loan and he text me to "run it by me" so I said it was his money and at least he has it to lend her. He said he feels the same. And so he had her fill out a contract and is lending it to her. I am stunned. Does he NOT realize the WHY I borrowed rom someone else? Does he NOT see that he loaned her $700 less than what his wife needed and made her feel like a burden?
I found out he bought a trailer that I don't know about, is going to renovate it, for what I don't know since we go no where and perhaps that is why he wants a van. He also bought $500 worth of euros at our bank and paid with our joint acct by accident so I found out. I don't get it.
He also made a compilation of his art work and had it made into a book. He is a great artist. When I saw that he dedicated the first page to his "biggest fan", me, that was real nice except for the fact that it was my face but he photoshopped me into another womans body complete with long hair, long nails and a thin body. It always hurt me that he didn't just use my headshot and I have many nice ones. It is worse now when his friends see it and ask who that lady is and laugh when he says its me, or at least my face. He has never done a portrait of me either.
I am not amused and frankly I am moving on with my life and living as a single woman in a marriage. He has taught me to be self reliant, defend myself, be non reactive, which are things I am still learning to do. He is very smart, a genius but I wonder if he is that obtuse or just has an evil streak. He says he loves me and I tell him I don't feel it. He says that is not true since he does love me. How can a person feel loved when others are treated better than they are treated as a spouse?
I am grateful for my life, family and friends and my relationship with God. I have a great job and I am blessed. He on the other hand repels everyone, the tolerate him, try hard to look at his good qualities to bear it. They see that he has a good wife. He is always mopey or extra happy, incessantly talks, obsessed with government scams, always trying to teach someone and then when they counsel him, he goes into this victim mentality and stays so quiet that its awkward, chin tight and makes everyone ask what is wrong with him. You can't win unless you ignore him and go on with your life. That is my new life now. No guilt, no apologies, I will not allow him to mistreat me anymore. I will stand up for myself and rely on myself too. He has lost so much since I am not in love anymore, all I have is compassion for him which is also tested when he is a monster. When he sleeps and is at peace, I look at him and wonder what he could be with meds and therapy but he will never agree to it. He has sabotaged his own life since everyone can see his behavior and he doesn't change for anyone. Of course there are those who have seen his generosity and charm and those put his on a pedastal since they don't have a lot of dealings with him but me and close friends know the deal. So very sad to feel this way about my husband when I see how kind he can be and how funny he can be. He has wasted his life and is almost 49. Me, I have just begun to live.
Much love....
- Empathy, remorse, and real apologies by: ACD-but-not-B 8 years 3 weeks ago
Dumb though it may seem, I'd like a non-ADHD partner's view on what comes to mind when you think of these three things. I've been told multiple times that this is how my wife wants me to put the brakes on a runaway argument. Between nursing my own hurts, panicking, and overthinking, I fear that I've lost the ability to truly look into and speak from my heart. Big, meaningful, long-term changes to my ADHD behaviors is the big-picture answer... but that doesn't help in the split-second decisions of a heated argument.
I could write tons more about the things I have done, said, and tried, but suffice it to say that we're way past a simple "I'm sorry", "I promise", or buying a surprise pair of earrings. If I try to move in for a hug, that's only I'm pretending she wants one as much as me. We've truly come to a place where our marriage is hanging by a thread.
Taking any and all thoughts, no matter how small.
- Losing Hope by: fixxxer9 8 years 3 weeks ago
I have ADHD and my father has ADHD. I was told I had ADHD when I was in high school but thought that just meant that I would have a hard time finishing tasks. I have been married for 10 years and my wife is about to leave me. We have 3 children together and I haven't been able to figure out what my problem is. It just seems like I can't get things done sometimes and I can't remember to get everything done I need to around the house even if I write it down in a little notebook I carry around with me. I found this website 2 days ago and could not believe the stories that I was reading and how they are almost exactly the same as what I am going through right now. I love my wife but I'm pretty sure she hates me at this point. I haven't talked to her about my ADHD and how that may be the reason I have been such a failure in this marriage but I'm afraid that she will just tell me it's another excuse. I had no idea what a toll ADHD could take on a marriage, I thought I was just failing. I don't blame her for being upset and I honestly don't know what else to say because I don't want it to sound like I'm blaming everything on my ADHD and that I had no part in it. I have failed extensively in this marriage and it might be better for her to just leave and find someone that doesn't have this issue but I do love her and don't want her to leave. I want to change but I'm afraid it might be too late. I guess I'm kind of just rambling and I don't really know what I'm hoping to get out of this. I just needed to put it somewhere because I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to.
- H doesn't have a clue how to plan this trip, but thinks it will be fine! by: Anonymous (not verified) 8 years 3 weeks ago
We went away for a 4 day weekend last weekend because H wanted to go to this video game conference in L.A. He had a great time and we did a bunch of stuff. Next year the conference is in Frankfurt, Germany and he is hyped to go even though neither one of us has ever been to Europe. I work for a European travel agency and as a benefit to us we get to take one of the European tours for free every year if we want. Spouses can go for $100 a day and we have to pay our own airfare. We are still looking at around $1000/person for airfare, plus a 7 day tour would be an extra $700 for him and then spending money. At least $3000 for the trip and most likely more than that. He has no money and now I have lost so much money by paying for his share of the bills and buying him motorcycles, etc because he really wanted them. I used to have so much savings that a $3000 trip was a drop in the bucket. Now I don't even have $3000 in savings.
So now he is gung ho that we go take a tour next that coincides with this conference. That is virtually impossible as the 7 day tours run Sunday-Sunday and his thing would be on Sunday afternoon. He simply says that we'll take a tour close to Frankfurt and then he'll take the Eurail up to the conference. He has NO idea what he's talking about! He thinks he can just take a day and go off and do his own thing and apparently thinks he's within an hour of Frankfurt no mater where he is. You can't just leave the tour! Also, there are no tours that go to Frankfurt and Eurail can take up to 24 hours to get where you need to go. Even if you think you're close, it still takes a few hours. I try to tell him this and he just gets frustrated saying that they'll be fine with him leaving the tour for a day and Eurail is fast. He has NO idea about anything and just simplifies the whole process and doesn't understand why I'm not on board. He says he'll have no problem saving $200 a paycheck for the trip. really? Because he can't even pay his share of the bills, and when he does, he usually needs half of the money back because he runs out! I mean I'm paying an extra $485 a month to the IRS because he took $40,000 out of his VIP savings without realizing there was a penalty, but he can't afford to pay the $485! But suuuuuuuure...he'll have no problem saving $200 a paycheck!
- what's the cause of ADHD by: inthedark 8 years 4 weeks ago
i am just curious what exactly is the cause?. is it environment or is there an anomaly (think that's the word) in the brain?
- Kicked Out of House So Husband Can Deal With Stress by: jigawattz88 8 years 4 weeks ago
My husband has ADD from a traumatic birth injury. It has been a big part of our marriage. He and I used to get along, but since we got married a year ago, our relationship has turned into more of a parent-child theme. I don't like it. I've lost my husband to arguments over helping with dishes and laundry, or going to events outside the house, helping with our dog, etc. If it's not something he wants to do, he sees it as an annoyance and I'm the bad guy.
My husband and I have lived apart for a month now after a big argument we had recently. Over the past year, my previous job led me to be overworked, stressed out, and I was even bullied by a co-worker. I brought my anger home and took it out on my husband. I truly hit rock bottom during this time and was in a deep depression.
Also, since last year, my husband has been dealing with his father's stage IV pancreatic cancer. He has been unable to focus on anything but his father, and many areas of his life have suffered from neglect. He and his father never got along very well, but I feel like he's taking this time to patch things up as best he can.
I keep asking him when I can move back, but he can't tell me a timeline. He wanted me to get help right away, and I've done that. I'm seeing a therapist for anger management and reading Melissa Orlov's book to better understand the ADHD mind.
My question is this: has anyone ever had a similar situation like mine where their ADD spouse had a relative who was dying and they neglected you for them? I feel like my husband can't even deal with our marriage issues until his dad passes, which I feel will be very soon. But still, he can't even talk to me on a daily basis. It's like I don't even matter anymore. He says things like, "I need space" or "I'm trying to figure out my life".
I just need to know if I get help and do all the things he asks of me, if he will take me back, or if we're doomed. Once his dad dies, I'm not sure if he will behave any better.
- LIving in fear sucks. And I dont have to anymore. by: SpaceyStacey197... 8 years 4 weeks ago
Figured some stuff out. I think this hurt/anger flashes I am experiencing is related to the fear I have felt for the entirety of my relationship with my husband. I have not had ANY security in our relationship. I have not had any time to just "rest" and be "safe" in my marriage. His constant threats of leaving every single time there is some sort of crisis or any time we start really getting in sync and things are GOOD, he threatens to bail and I have to fight to keep him. I have lived in constant fear of him just running away instead of being a grown man and talking wth me - the woman he supposedly loves. I dont know if this constant running away is more to do with the CSA or the ADHD - or maybe both - with the ADHD being aggravated by the new fears and emotions he has started feeling since being with me, and since attempting to face the CSA stuff. The only thing I DO know is that he cannot be trusted to keep his word, and yet he expects me to keep mine. He swore to never put me in this spot again - but that promise only meant something in the moment. No one can live with someone and trust them when their word is only as good as their mood.
But I know for me- living in that constant fear is mentally exhausting! I cannot think of a period of time more than 2-3 months where I felt confident in our relationship. In a way, now that I know he is leaving for good - so much of that pressure is relieved. I can no longer "wonder" as it IS happening. I can face the sadness and hurt and just deal with it and move forward.
I no longer live in fear though. I know that I have done all that could. I know I will wake up the day after he is gone knowing that I did everything I could to protect, save, and thrive in my marriage. Sure, I am going to hurt as I mourn the loss of the man I thought I would spend my life with. I will mourn my visions and dreams of excelling in our shared hobby together. I will come to grips that I will no longer be there, rooting him, on while he fights in tournaments and I wont be there to fix his armor after a big battle, adjusting straps, making sure things are lined up right etc... (we do medieval re-enactment). I am sad that we wont be laying on the beach together in Hawaii drinking coronas listening to the waves crash on the shore. I will no doubt cry myself to sleep occasionally as I remember when he was there, next to me, safe and sound. As I sew my new clothes for events, I will no doubt have a clutch in my heart that his stuff will forever be put aside in some box somewhere, to be ignored. I know that one day, when his daughter gets married - I wont be sitting up with the family watching the child I love as much as I would my own celebrate her beautiful day, holding his hand as he finally comes to grips with the fact that his little girl is a grown woman. There wont be any grandchildren to hold, or to spend the night at our house - having fun playing games and watching movies. There will never be a romantic dinner, looking into his eyes and feeling all that love I thought i wasnt even capable of ever again.
But I wont have regrets - because I tried to save it all. I gave everything I had to save it, to protect those promises and vows because when I said them they MEANT something to me, even though they were just words on the breeze to him. I kept my word. My character is true. My words were from the heart and soul and I lived them. I wasnt playing games, even though I was being played with.
I wont ever have to beat myself up and think that I could have done more, tried harder. I DID and it was not good enough. And I dont have to be afraid any more that I might do or say something that scares him away, like a little tiny delicate deer in the forest - scared of its own shadow.
Sorry - rambling today. I just know that I refuse to live in fear ever again. I guess that is one good thing that has come out of this very very emotionally expensive failure.