Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • THE SHOULDS.....and How did I get here? by: jennalemone 8 years 1 week ago

    I just saw the touring "The Book of Mormon" musical in the theater.  It was great and funny!  So much of it I identified with.  How I was TAUGHT to be who I was as a child in church to be afraid of hell and OBEY the rules....no matter who or what made the rules, I was conditioned to BELIEVE and TRUST them.  I was not a Mormon but some of the "rules" were similar in my upbringing.  

    I always wanted to know what I SHOULD do.....as if others outside of myself were in charge of making sure I was doing what I was supposed to do. Even as an adult, I was attuned to finding who was in charge and what must I do to be "good" according to their rules. I was so afraid that I would do SOMETHING WRONG!!!!!!SIN!!!!!WRONG!   I am ashamed of being weak-willed and not knowing what I want or getting what I need to be safe and sane and my SELF? 

    How do I give myself PERMISSION to live MY life after so many years believing that I must serve and be humble to EVERYONE ELSE (nice and unselfish)?  I get to tell young people that if they give and give and give.....and don't let themselves know and practice with all their heart what makes them thrilled, excited, motivated, happy....that they will be like me one day feeling like I betrayed my self by giving my will and heart to EVERYONE ELSE'S WILL.   

    So now, how do I set out on a different path to take care of myself and become more aware of my own needs....after all, I don't want to be a resentful, negative, judgmental old woman.  I thought I and God would be proud of me.  But no, I am not surely proud of how I "stood by my man" and supported him and tried to make him happy and gave to family before I took for myself.  I'm not PROUD.  I am ashamed.

    I WILL today and in the future, change my goals.  My goal in life is not to try to be so good....obeying the rules that other people have made.  My goal is to live life by my heart more often and other people's rules less often.  I will be learning how to live my life fully and proudly.  I will stop searching the internet trying to find "how to BE".  And I will take the time and attention to listen to my own heart with courage to go against other's rules if need be.  

     

  • So Frustrated! by: overwhelmedwife 8 years 1 week ago

    H's car is old.  Over 2 weeks ago, we learned that it would require a major repair, so H announced that he needed a new car.  Fine.  I had NO OBJECTION to that.  Days go by and H makes ZERO effort to look for another car.  When I ask, H says that he'll look "later".  Later never came.  A friend of one of our kids LOVES to look for cars, so he stays current with what's out there.  After a week went by, I asked this friend to recommend some cars.  The friend happily suggested some cars, even sending some links to look at. 

     

    I look at the links, talk to H about them, and all H can say is: those are too expensive.  Oh, and H threatens to just have his very old car fixed (OMG...no one would spend that much money on an old old car).

     

    In the meantime, H makes me run circles because now I had the only car.   Finally, on Wednesday, I tell him he has to find a car.  Nothing happens.  On Friday I show his more cars online.  He seems only mildly interested.  Won't make any effort.

     

    Finally on Friday, I grab my checkbook and say, "let's go, we're going to buy a car."   H dawdles and finally we go.  He starts looking at older used cars and ones that are just too small.  We need a good-sized SUV to replace the one that just died..  I don't mind a used car, but I don't want more problems.  If it's going to be "used" then I don't want an old one...at most, it can be a couple of years old.  (H can't work on cars).  We go to one dealership and he finds a newish used car, but it's stripped (no good options).  I insist that we look at a bigger dealership.  Upon arrival, I see "the car" that we should buy...right size big & reliable (Honda Pilot), all the bells and whistles!.  It's awesome.  H tests it and loves it. He declares that it's the best car he's ever driven. Then he gets all anxious and wants me to make the decision because of the cost.  I use my iPad to look up what should be a fair price, and then I pull out my checkbook, write out a check for the amount that I'm willing to pay, hand it to the sales manager and say, "this is what I'll pay in cash, including tax and license, or I'm leaving."  the salesman disappears for a couple of minutes and then comes back and wants a bit more.  I say no, and begin to leave, and then the sales manager accepts.  (I knew that since it was the end of the month, dealerships are desperate for sales to meet their target numbers.)

     

    H was happy happy, and saying that he's glad he's on my team.  (Ha ha).  We meet one of our kids for dinner, and H is still excited about the car and tells our child about the car, in detail.  

     

    However, by about midnight, his mood switches completely.  He starts yelling about stupid stuff and yelling about the fact that he tripped over the dog's leash (well, whose fault is that? Not mine!!).  Then this morning, he sends me a terrible email about what a mistake it was to buy that car.  Ugh.  

     

    Actually, I don't really care what he thinks about the car.  He had plenty of time to look himself but he didn't.  He was making himself a nuisance with my car, constantly needing to be dropped off or taken somewhere.   I told him I'll keep the car and he can have mine (he loves my car).  He agreed to that.  OMG.  That's fine with me, but how ridiculous. 

     

    I'm really disgusted with the fact that he won't make decisions, wouldn't even TRY to look for a car, and then acts like he had no choice!

  • What is Love or Better...What isn't Love? by: kellyj 8 years 1 week ago

    Most persons don’t realize this, but the common, or popular, view of “love” involves an element of receiving something. “I love chocolate” really means that “I enjoy getting the experience of the taste of chocolate.” Similarly, “I love you” commonly implies “I enjoy playing with your body,” or “I enjoy believing that you will give me security or protection,” or “I enjoy feeling sexual pleasure with your body” (or “I want to have sexual pleasure with your body.”) As a result, Lacan, in his teachings about love, described the typical act of love as “polymorphous perversion.” [5]

    Don’t be put off by the big words. You already know what perversion means. Polymorphous simply means “having many forms.” So this amounts to saying, like the popular song from the 1980s, that we’re looking for love in all the wrong places. That is, we look for satisfaction in all the various titillating parts of the body but never find what is truly sought.

    What is “truly sought” is something we all experience as painfully missing from life: some comforting sense of absolute belonging and acceptance. Those who are fortunate get a sense of this feeling as babies, under a parent’s protection, although the feeling is fractured more often than not by ordinary parental empathic failures, and then it is lost entirely as children become older and independent and the awareness of their essential human isolation and mortality sets in. Those who are less fortunate suffer a deeper lack: some parents are emotionally or physically distant and rarely provide any comfort and acceptance to their children; and some parents are outright abusive, leaving their children to languish in an environment of criticism and neglect.

      Suffering from the lack of parental acceptance, some people skip from one “partner” to another over the surface of existential pain, like a stone skipping over water. As long as they stay above the surface they’re perfectly happy; but when an affair ends, and they come crashing down, they’re desperate for the next leap, sometimes searching for a new partner even at the funeral for the old one. Yet sooner or later the stone loses vitality, and with a final splunk falls into the depths of tribulation. 

      Lacan points out that although “love”—that is, in its common, popular sense—is, in essence, a futile chasing after something that doesn’t exist, there is nevertheless a love beyond this “making love,” a love that exists beyond lack and limitation and that involves a sort of ecstasy of being,[6] as a matter of soul,[7] not of the body. The irony is that in the common act of “making love” we think we know what we want, but it turns out to be an illusion, while this other love touches on a real experience of which we know nothing. It’s a mystical sort of thing, as Lacan acknowledges.[8]

    Now, although Lacan doesn’t say it this way, the difference between these two kinds of love—common “love” and true love (or real love)—can be conceived of as the difference between receiving and giving.

      Note carefully, though, that giving does not refer to the mere sharing of material objects or wealth; it refers to the expression of profound emotional qualities such as patience, forbearance, compassion, understanding, and forgiveness.
     
    This all goes to show that it’s easy enough to “love” those who “love” us: parents who protect us, “partners” who make us feel received, animals who never threaten us. But can we love those who annoy us . . . irritate us . . . obstruct us . . . scorn us . . . hate us? Can we love our enemies? That’s the real test of real love.

      And it was out of a true understanding of the difference between common “love” and real love that a man such as St. Francis of Assisi was led—led right to the point, actually—to pray that he might seek “not so much to be loved as to love.”

     

    Since I posted this under resources....I will include the link to this article I read about Love and the different kinds their are.  There has been something intangible missing I feel in my wife's capacity to Love ..and when I read the highlighted areas, it finally  clicked. while this other love touches on a real experience of which we know nothing. It’s a mystical sort of thing, as Lacan acknowledges.[8]

    Yes!!  You know Love when you experience it and I do not experience Love from my wife...at all!  To her...Love is on the outside and she truly is....looking for Love in all the wrong places and she will never find it there...as it said, because it doesn't exist.  She suffers tremendously because of this but.....I am not the person she is looking for to try and fill the void from what she didn't get from her abusive self serving mother who my T feels had a character disorder which I now feel was passed on to my wife in just the way this described.  She is truly a victim but that's not excuse now...at age 60.  If she has never learned the difference by now....I feel there is no hope in that ever happening and I will remain a "Tool" or conduit for her in trying to get from that...which is not in my power to give.  I think in my wife's case...she is truly damaged goods and a right off in the Love department and I feel no Love what so ever...coming from her in the future.  I can feel pity and even compassion for her and we have gotten in some heated arguments already about Love when she has accused me of failing her.  As I see it now....I have only failed to treat her like an unwanted child with an insatiable need for reassurance and to be "given too" even to the point of patronizing her which normally....most would feel offended ( at least for me? ) which she seems to receive as some kind of validation....while at the same time....scoffs and dismisses any real show of Love that I offer her as if it doesn't exist?

    While I can feel many things for someone with challenges and with hope and optimism and giving without any need for anything back....when it's a one way street always...and in terms of respect.....I cannot respect anyone who refuses to try and "fix themselves"...and is dependent on others to try and fill the empty black hole inside them and thinks that's Love?  My wife...has no idea what Love is...and thinks in terms of "ideals" and the "idea of Love" as her only way to measure herself from.  I have to be honest with myself within my own limitations...and what I am missing in my ability to respect someone...comes from "respect that is earned" and my wife has failed the test on that one.  I cannot with a clear conscious and without lying to myself....that respect without being earned is a waste of my time and nothing I can "respect" at all in terms of my wife?  I might Love her in the truest sense of the word....but I do not have any respect for her what so ever...and feel she is broken...beyond repair.  When she quit going to see our T by saying that she'd heard everything she needs to hear...and then in turn...accuses me of wasting my time by going to see him and to her...it hasn't done any good?  Beyond sounding completely retarded and absurd....that statement has caused me to lose all respect for my wife and I cannot get passed seeing her now....as just a broken endless pit of despair with no ability or capacity to Love me in the way I Love her which in her mind ( as deluded as it is )...means "take care of me and fill my emptiness for me."

    I cannot respect this and I cannot lie to myself anymore about my wife.  She is a product of her mother...and I see nothing good coming from my wife either now...or anytime in the future and it is an insult to what I have to offer to waste it on someone who doesn't even know what Love is except for the perverted form in which she thinks it is...in the broken mind of an abused victim who doesn't have what it takes...to fix her self and do anything about it.  The connection inside her is broken and it's not my job to fix it a she feels that it is.  And when I don't try and fix it for her...she gets hostile and angry and this....I have absolutely no respect for and never will.  We don't have a relationship...;.what we have is a child who needs a parent....at age 60 years old but I'm not a parent...and my wife is definitely not a child.

    All I see...is a broken human being who is not willing to change and refuses to take reasonability for here actions and emotions and is a victim which I find reprehensible and have no respect for what so ever even if I do Love her.  Respect...unlike Love...is earned in my book and my wife has done nothing to deserve my respect which is why....I do not respect her as a person.  I don't feel sympathy for her....I pity her and who wants to make Love with someone you pity?  What she respects and feels Love by...are in terms of her environment and things on the outside of her...while the only thing that means anything to me is what is on the inside and I have given her the benefit of the doubt long enough mow to feel that what is on the inside of her...her emptiness, black, and devoid of Love.  I might as well go masturbate alone...than feel emptiness in the act of making Love with my wife which I have no desire what so ever and this is why I think?  Mutual masturbation...is as good as it will ever get and I can do better than that all by myself and I'm not that hard up..to compromise myself to what I do not respect or have any good feelings for what so ever.  My wife deserves someone who is in the dark like her and they can be happy together filling the holes in the life....instead of filling their glass and being happy which in my book...is a perversion in itself.

    I'm sorry for the rambling this time in that I am just now coming to any real conclusions and my heart is sinking as I am writing this.  This is not a vent...as much as a realization and a recognition of what I truly feel which is as brutally honest as I can get?

    http://www.guidetopsychology.com/sex_love.htm

     

    J 

  • ADHD without treatment by: NG8 8 years 1 week ago

    I have a partner who is diagnosed (but he knew beforehand) with ADHD. Prior to being diagnosed he was my first boyfriend many years ago, now we are back together since march. Since this is not that long yet I am assuming that I am currently still experiencing the hyperfocus, I know I will be devastated when that will end.. but I know it will come.

    Anyhow; I am reading the book ADHD relationships by Melissa and Dr. Ned and they often write about medical treatment. We sometimes talk about ADHD and I know he once said that he has used medication earlier, but he stopped using that because he didn't like the effect it had on him. I understand that because I had the same feeling about anti-depressants many years ago.. it stopped all of my feelings like I was living in a bubble, what he says is pretty similar to that.

    So my question is: is it possible to not medically treat the ADHD and still have a thriving relationship, specifically after the hyperfocus ends? Any tips?

    I'm only in the second chapter, so I am hoping that the focus will be more on tips instead of the medical treatment.

  • 7000 miles faraway from my ADHD and addict husband...need disperate help by: Andreea Wardally 8 years 2 weeks ago

    Hello everyone,my name is Andreea Wardally and I discovered just 1 month a go that my husband have ADHD.We are separated right now because my work and documents for USA  by 7000 miles,I'm stuck in Italy (ROME),he is Florida.WE have to deal not just with 6 hours of difference  but as well with ADHD that he keep secret from the beginning and alcohol problems.One month a go his hyper focus attention  in US start to get low. Loosing  control of everything,dealing with his moods up and down,lies to cover his movements,talking about depression. In one of those moments ,thinking just at the distance between us i asked him what is really happening he said my mind is playing with me ,u know I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2012 after my father died but I don't belive in all this,I'm OK. I feel that betrayed because he didn't spoke from the beginning,underestimating the impact that can have in his future marriage.I start my researchers about what this means. Never had to do it,already difficult because of the  difference we have to deal with,like language  (I'm sorry if some of my words are not correct,is the third language I speak)and culture.I discovered so information that I have to asimilate,understand and to present all to him as well explaining how important is to work as a team to make things easier for him and our future as well.But I didn't have the time..unfortunately are 5 days he cutt off our communication,he stopped going to work and start to drink as well.I feel lost,stuck on another continent because my work,not a single way to get in contact with him.Calling every day my mother in law that live with him..this is the way I found he stop work and start drinking and acting strange..she asked me what to do???And I wish I could have an answer from the other side of the world,but I don't.Please someone out there can help me with some advice?

     

  • can NOBODY take responsibility in my house???? by: dvance 8 years 2 weeks ago

    So tell me if I am being unreasonable.  A little background:  both of my sons and my DH are ADHD.  Right now only the 17 YO son is medicated.  He is a 6'4" tall senior in high school, worked full time all summer and now works part time in addition to school.  He has a girlfriend who I ADORE and she is over by us often, which is fine with me.  She is a doll and very easy to be around/have around.  The 17 YO was also in rehab in February and has been clean and sober for several months now.  By and large, he is a good boy.  It is my opinion that DH babies him WAY too much.  They have this odd up and down relationship--either the 17 YO is all about his dad and I am shit or he thinks his dad is ridiculous and I am the only one who knows anything.  The 17 YO does not know the extent of the financial trouble DH has gotten us into or the three other women that have been in his life in the past 5 years.  So it's kinda hard for me to hear what a hero/great guy dad is when I know what really goes on.  Now here is my issue: over the weekend, the girlfriend was over, we were all home, all was well.  DS was messing around and pulled one of my earrings out of my ear.  The post bent.  It's an expensive pair from Tiffany.  I took it to be fixed and it will cost $60 to fix.  I think DS should pay for it.  When I mentioned it to DH he did not think so because "he didn't mean to".  Of course he didn't mean to, but he was running around giving everyone wet willies and I had asked him many times to knock it off, as had his girlfriend.  He is like a big Labrador puppy--he means no harm, but he knocks stuff over and stuff breaks.  I really feel strongly that DH should pay for it.  So DH backed off.  When I told DS it would cost $60 to fix the earrings he broke, he said "good thing you have a full time job".  So right there he is out of line.  And DH sat there and said nothing.  No "don't speak to your mom that way", nothing.  And I said well, my name is on your account, so one way or the other you will cover that expense.  DS lost his mind.  And DH continues to say nothing.  So DS goes into the kitchen and I say to DH, "you know, to hear from you that a stand-up guy would apologize and OFFER to pay for the earrings would be great, that him paying for them really is the right thing to do".  So DH YELLS into the kitchen "YOU WILL PAY FOR MOMS EARRINGS PERIOD.  DONE." And looks at me and says there--problem solved.  I am so angry I am shaking.  Really? That's what I get?  Why can't he insist that DS take responsibility for this?  If DS rear-ended someone, he really could not say he "didn't mean to" and get out of paying.  What is it with ADHD and not taking responsibility?  This type of thing has happened many times before.  DH gives DS money for stuff he wants that he is unwilling to spend his own money on.  When I insist DS pay it back, he get mad at me because "dad doesn't care, why do you?"  Because it's weasely behavior, that's why.  Because a responsible, mature, stand up guy really doesn't WANT someone else to keep covering them, they want to stand on their own two feet and have some self respect.

    thoughts?  DH slept on the couch last night--that's how mad I am.  I am at work all day, so who knows what will go on when I get home.  I am just so sick of being the bad guy.

  • My H doesn't go into work for a week, doesn't call in, yet never gets fired! How does he get away with the lies?? by: Anonymous (not verified) 8 years 2 weeks ago

    My husband has a problem with going to work. If he's having issues with people at work, or he has some made up ailment (I've heard them all from "I've got the poops" to "My back is acting up" to 'I barely slept last night") or simply doesn't feel like leaving the house that day, he will take the day off. And he sits at a computer and deals with customers on the phone and in person so it's not like it's a physical job where he can't work due to all those ailments. And rarely is it ever just one day. Once he starts not going in, he can't stop. At his last job he got away with being out for literally weeks (once up to 3 weeks!) at a time without pay, without texting or calling in half the time and would go back and he'd still have a job. Granted, his job had a union so he pretty much couldn't get fired.

    He has been at his new job for just about a year now, and it started out fine. No union here and it's only a shop of about 35-40 people.Then a couple months in he would take a day off just because, but he'd call in and go back the next day.Then he would take a day off, but not call or text his manager, just not show up. Still he would not get fired and even said that his manager said  when he went in the next day that it was "cool" that he needed a day off. Well about 2 months ago he got so upset with a customer (he never told me this until a few days in of this imaginary sickness he had) that he ended up not going into work for 4 days straight and only texted his manager one of those days that he wouldn't be in. I was so stressed out thinking he'd lose his job, but nope. He came home after going back after all that time and said people were just happy to know he was okay. How did he not get reprimanded for that? How did he not get fired on the spot??

    Now this past week he didn't go in at all. Started complaining Tuesday that he had an upset stomach and the chills and his neck hurt. I'll give him one day, but he's cried wolf so many times, I don't know when he's REALLY sick anymore. Then the next day it was just as bad, even though I never saw any signs of him having any of these ailments and that he seemed pretty peppy around me. Thursday he said he was better, but not full strength. Friday I come home and he tells me he feels great, but still didn't go in and Saturday he just didn't go in. The only time he texted his manager was his first day out and the following day...the other 3 days he didn't bother to do anything. And when he did text his manager on the 2nd day he told him he was at the walk in clinic. Funny because he never went! Even Facebook messaged his coworker who worries about him and told him that he was SO dehydrated that he was at the walk-in clinic on IV drip to get hydrated again. Then the next day told the guy he was still sick and on the couch eating crackers and sipping ginger ale, which is funny because we have neither in the house! 

    I am sure he'll go back to work tomorrow, but he is just so nonchalant about the whole thing. How can he just simply take days off lying about being sick, not call in, and saunter back into work and expect everything to be okay? Funny thing is, it probably will be! There's even a paragraph in his handbook saying that if you are out more than 3 days in a row in a 6 month period that you are subject to review, but obviously that isn't the case. NOBODY is out sick an entire week! People I work with are sick with the flu and they are back the next day...2 at the most! It infuriates me to the point where I want to just walk in there when I know he's playing the fake sick card and isn't there and act like I am looking for him, only to have them look at me weird and say "I thought he was really sick and at home?" and me go "What? No he's perfectly healthy I don't know why he's not here"! Because he never tells me he's not going in and never lets me know he's not there. He's very secretive about it. He'll wait for me to get home and find him there because he doesn't want to have me upset at work by him not going in.

  • I left my marriage to an ADHD spouse by: lallamana 8 years 2 weeks ago

    After over a decade together, my marriage to my ADHD spouse is over. He actually asked for the divorce, but I didn't fight it. He has threatened divorce more times than I can count, but this time I just said, "OK" and moved out. He told me later that he didn't mean it, he just said it to try and get me to "appreciate him" and realize how hard my life would be without him. I laughed. My life with him was a nightmare.  I tried extremely hard to make it work. I went to therapy, I researched ADHD, I worked hard to change myself to accommodate his perceptions and needs time after time, but it was never enough for him. No matter what I did, another problem would surface for which I was always completely at fault. He took meds, but did nothing else. It's as if he believed that the meds were enough and as long as he took them, he could forget about all of the other ways ADHD manifested itself and impacted our relationship. I have been reading posts on this forum for years, and my marriage looked very much like what most people here post about. The explosive and irrational anger that causes walking on eggshells, the gaslighting, the avoidance, the getting blamed for everything, the constant trying to keep up with the chaos, the loneliness. This is my first post and I want to share what the past few months have been like for me now that I am free of the marriage. 

    I am happy. For the first time in over a decade, I can relax. I can take time for myself at the end of the day and read a book or watch a show without having to give someone 100% of my attention when he could never reciprocate that to me. My home is clean, and organized. My panic attacks and anxiety have disappeared. Nobody is yelling at me everyday. I can see my friends and my family without the embarrassment of explaining why my DH is hiding from them or acting cranky and withdrawn. I am no longer experiencing the daily pain of simultaneously being pressured to be available to him at all times, but ignored when I have needs for support or attention. I can go out with friends without being accused of cheating. Nobody is telling me I'm a bad wife/mother/person because I have passions and hobbies that I will not give up. When something good happens to me or I succeed at something, the people around me are genuinely happy for me instead of being jealous of my success and being mad that it might be an inconvenience to them in some way. 

    I have realized that I am not, in fact, crazy. I am good at handling conflict in a conciliatory and compromising fashion. I realized that it is not normal or healthy to have someone not validate your genuine feelings and argue with you in circles for hours or days on end and then to accuse you of being a terrible person for having needs of your own. 

    I have more energy. My depression has melted away, and I can function better mentally and physically better than I have in years. 

    I entered a new relationship with someone who respects me. Who listens to me. When I have a problem in the relationship, he doesn't get angry, instead he acknowledges my feelings and then doesn't repeat the behavior that makes me upset. He cheers me on in my pursuits in life, and is sincerely happy for my success. He trusts me. When he tells me he's going to do something, he follows through. That is something I'm still not used to. When he asked me if I wanted to go on a trip, I was shocked when he called me with the specific details about when, where and how we were going. I am so used to broken promises that I didn't expect it to actually happen. I remembered that most people follow through with plans for the SO, and I was so happy and grateful. 

    I became so used to the chaos and the circus, that I thought I deserved the hardship, loneliness and misery. I blamed myself. I have regained my sense of self worth, and now I know that I can have and deserve to have the life that I want and on my terms. My boundaries are no longer negotiable, and there is now nobody in my life who is trying to cross them and tear them down. 

    Things are hard. I gave up my big beautiful home, my financial security and my pets. I live in a tiny apartment, I only get my kid 50% of the time, and I work 4 jobs to make ends meet. However, I do not regret one damn thing. I am infinitely happier and more confident, and I thank God everyday for my new life. Thank you for reading, and I wish peace, happiness and success to everyone else here who is still struggling. 

  • Years later and still learning... by: Squeeze 8 years 2 weeks ago

    So this is my first time on this website and forum. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD six years ago, after our son was diagnosed. It was good timing because our marriage was at breaking point at the time, but with this new diagnosis came a new understanding and reasons to forgive. However, whilst my husband is now medicated and we are both more aware over time we have allowed things to slip a little, and I guess whilst we came a long way at the time, we still have further to go.

    Over recent months, I have been feeling isolated and frustrated and some of the hurts which I thought had healed from years gone by, have surfaced again in my mind, and I have been feeling the urge to flee. Not saying I was ready to act on it, but I recognise the urge. Wanting my own space, quiet calm. I am blessed that my husband travels away twice a year for 8 - 10 weeks, this is indeed a good valve and an opportunity to recharge and the last couple of years, his time away has been just that, but I missed him and longed for him to come home. But this trip, reminded me more of times gone by, when I longed for him to leave and dreaded his return.

    I have contemplated my feelings over these past few weeks, and decided, I had to look back to his ADHD diagnosis to re-examine what is most likely at the root of our problems. So I ordered both of Melissa's books. I have Just read part one of " The ADHD Effect on Marriage". I realise that as a couple we have done a lot of the work in this book ourselves already, I no longer nag and he is way way better at controlling his impulses and shouting or being unkind. However, ADHD has become the elephant in the room. Some of my resentments have crept back in and I realise we haven't really had an adult conversation about how ADHD affects us both in an ongoing way, as I have been reluctant to keep referencing his ADHD (although he can happily discuss our 2 children with this diagnosis and discuss it's effects on them, but again as I write this I feel he almost see's it as their weakness, mirroring his own parenting perhaps). I also, realise that the Psychiatrist that I saw back then advised me NOT to pay his bills for him, and NOT to step in and to let him see the consequences of his own actions, as a means to help him. However, this is I think where we have gone wrong. He still doesn't pay any attention to our finances and I still feel frustrated by that. 

    My husband has recently asked me to help him with some invoicing, this made me angry, here I was back at square one, he still hadn't got himself organised, etc etc... Because the Psych told me not to intervene, I have resisted it and felt like a failure when he has asked me to and I did, saying "this is the last time", but knowing in my heart that this isn't and never will be.

    When he returns from his trip this time, I intend to start a dialogue with him about who does what in our relationship and how to communicate with each other, making very sure I am addressing his ADHD and letting him know that I do not see these issues as a failure on his part, but something we need to navigate much better moving forward. 

    My biggest resentment is that I feel, I have had to adapt my own life and career because he needs me more than others in his life, and has been less able to pick up the strain if I have been focused on other things, feeling he has been controlling on occassion because he almost seemed to sabotage my efforts to progress myself, rather than help me more in other areas. This will be a big one to get over, because I think it likely is true in part. I want to work more in the area of healing ( Reiki, Reflexology etc...) but need to have quiet space to contemplate and meditate in order to be able to work in this way, which I find almost impossible when he is home due to his energy and need for my focus on him. I have to find a way to help him understand the importance of this for me without making him feel I am judging him or controlling him. He insists on working in the house, even though I have at his behest, created an office space for him in a cottage in the grounds of our home, where he also teaches from. But he feels, he needs to be around people to get the "energy" to focus on his work, so he brings it into the house where it spreads from one corner of the table, to the whole table, to the living room etc... This, as trivial as this may sound is the biggest barrier for me, as I come home from work, to another work environment and I have been unable thus far, to find a way of creating a space in which to contemplate and create for myself. 

    I am looking forward to reading the next part of the book, and indeed reading "The Couples Guide to Thriving with ADHD", I hope I can find the inspiration in there to foster the communication I feel I need and to help him address his ADHD in a better way, he medicates, but he has also been drinking too much of late, self medicating the anxiety that goes along with his ADHD. 

    Thanks for the opportunity to share, hope this isn't too much of a ramble. I wanted to ask, have many people had success with Couples Counseling? I am reluctant to try it in case we get someone who doesn't believe in ADHD (which I don't believe my Psychiatrist actually did).

    Hopeful, BC Canada.

  • ADHD. My Spouse, My Son, My Counselor A, B, C, D, E infinity....... by: I'm So Exhausted 8 years 2 weeks ago

    I shall attempt to carefully word my thoughts so they come across as critiques - - not criticisms.

    ADHD.  What is known.  What is not known.  Is it a way of being?  Is it an "issue"?  Is it a disorder?  Is it simply a way that the brains of 10% of the people  works differently than 90% of the 'average' people in the world?

    I don't know.  Wish I did.  Wish I knew how to articulate how so many things we as a couple have tried . . . .and that did not work.  Like most things in life, solutions read easy, and work hard.  

    I am so very glad each and every day for new strides that are made to give the sort of structures that will work to the person, parent, spouse of someone with ADHD.  

    From where I sit, I often get the feeling that is implied /:  "What do you mean it's not working?  THIS is the solution.  This is how to do it.  This is THE process.

    And yet, it ain't.  Nope.  

    Not that the books weren't pretty, and they weren't well documented, and nicely organized,  

    As an example, my son was given this book - to help him.  To give him insight into his ADHD brain. ( Administrator:  If this link is not allowed, I understand if you need to delete it:)   

    https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://t1.gstatic.com/images%3Fq%3Dtbn:ANd9GcRXS1DOSVh0J6zaM2THW9ZzEbs1kco6QKW1OYRFgBGMzLzGdc_C&imgrefurl=http://books.google.com/books/about/Medikidz_Explain_ADHD.html%3Fid%3Dfs7zQwAACAAJ%26source%3Dkp_cover&h=1030&w=695&tbnid=MWGCPOxDS1QVSM:&tbnh=160&tbnw=107&docid=sMM9Z450nJieSM&itg=1&usg=__fUK5Nb--inGWvtQ1Z1lwnopChLc=&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwibudKquOrPAhUSziYKHRMIDawQ_B0IcDAK  

    Copy and past that whole thing into your address bar, and you will see the front cover of a kid's comic book - - -made for kids. . . . .with ADHD.  My son took one look at the cover, a comic book that he was "supposed" to love, and he flicked through the pages, and was overwhelmed.  Too busy.  Too much information on one page.  Too many colors.  He tossed it aside with a chuckle, "WHO made that book?  Not someone who understand ADHD."  Um, yep son.  Specialists.  They want to help.  They are missing the mark.

    Couples Therapy.  Even without any underlying issues, the success rates are not all that great.  For me, success is improving the relationship/marriage.

    What has been missing for me:  feeling validated.  Clarifying each partner's prospective.  Without making the other person the bad guy - the one who doesn't understand.  We have made many attempts.  It is so hard to not just throw in the towel.  And give up. But, I will not.   From Liz's perspectives, the "process" looks great.  Reading.  Homework.  Charts to fill out.  I did it all.  It's how I function!!!  It's what I enjoy.  It's what I can understand.  My ADHD spouse, he was overwhelmed at the idea of reading A-Whole-Book.  He saw the charts.  To fill in everyday.  He heard 'homework to complete everyday', and blammo, he was like a deer in the headlights. In that moment - as during the time we tried it, I was pissed - - -at my spouse, for not doing, what he was not able to do.  I just didn't know it at the time.  I read.  I did the homework.  I filled in the charts.  Because I could.  Because it is how I function!  Because I enjoy it.  Because I understand. In hindsight, my spouse went into the process willingly - - and was pretty much set up for defeat.  By the necessary reading.  And homework.  And charting.  

    And in truth, I think it exacerbated the issues we had.  

    I do NOT know what the answer is.  I do know, that I want to be honest, and explain, this is not working.  Because, well because, I do want to know.  I do want to share the effectiveness.  I do want to say, what we are trying is not accomplishing the desired end.  Why not?  Well it definitely has not one whit to do with the level of how much both of us are trying. . . .We are.  Our damned royal hardest/different-est!!!!! 

    Sincerely,

    Liz  

     

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