My search for an explanation of what happened to me on that fateful day when I took the accidental "Big Dose" of LSD is over....and finally figured it out.  When I first came here and started writing....I had no idea what I was doing but as anyone who has read anything I have written....you may have recalled when I was jumping all over the place and not really following along very well....that I said  "I had a feeling"  and I was just following it but I really couldn't explain what that was?

I've said this before too, which helps explain what I was trying to say better in my own words:

"When experience becomes knowledge, and knowledge becomes knowing....then you know"

"I can tell the difference and I know what that difference is, but I can't explain it to you ( or anyone )"

"I'm back home again or I have returned home"

"The Hero's Journey......and the rise from the fall................"

When I was in High School....at the insistence of my mother...and with my two older sisters who had gone before me.....I voluntarily went to "Jesus Summer Camp" which was a pretty cool place all said and done with water skiing, hiking, fishing you name it.  It was in a Beautiful location up in Canada that you had to get to by a 14 hour boat trip since normal access by road is not available.  I might have said this another way at the time....it was a "Bitch'in Lo-cal"!  But  before this time happened....this organization had a youth group weekly meeting for everyone who was interested...and since it was on a week night during the school week, it was one of the "sanctioned things" that my mother would actual agree too instantly....in order to get out of the house and take the car to get there since trying to escape my home during that time of my life had become problematic do to my mother and fathers restrictive attitudes.  Actually it was my mothers restrictive attitude....my father just didn't want anything he had to worry about so he wasn't so interested or cared what I did...as long as he didn't have to worry about it so as long I was home.....he didn't have to worry about me getting into trouble so that was a no brainer for him other wise as far as he was concerned...."out of sight...out of mind". He really didn't care as long as it didn't come back to him in some way.  And being that I was an escape Artist and had gotten really good at covering my ass.....I learned how to lie extremely well with a straight face so I could get out of the house and was extremely creative in order to do so.

Anyway.....I went to a few of these meetings and sat in and listened...and it sounded for the most part, stuff I had already heard before plus....it was presented in a way as if....the people talking knew something I didn't know but I was going...."yeah....I just don't know about that?  I think I've got another idea....actually, I don;t have any idea what so ever....I just have this feeling that what they are saying is wrong?"  So I stopped going..and used that as excuse to get out of the house Scott free every Wednesday night during most of my High School Days which was the perfect opportunity now...to go and do what ever I wanted to do since I had the car ( now ) which was also like pulling teeth in order to a hold of without running the gauntlet and going before Torqemada....and the "Grand Inquisition" ie:  my father.

The way it worked in our house was to get past my mother first because she had these funny ideas about safety and danger and her "catastrophic thinking".  Not matter what you did...."death" was just around the corner....lurking and waiting for you just waiting for you to strike!  Trying to convince her that you weren't going to die....was an act of God.....unto itself?  As my friends would point out to me...every time we were pulling out the driveway....my mother would stand there and watch us pull away...as if it was the last time she would ever see me?  On the other hand....as long as it didn't cost my father any money....he really didn't care what I did which was my hole for escape every time.  Between one parent who could give a rip....and another one who gave too much of a rip ( until you started to tear in half ).....a crack in the fabric between the two opened up...and this was my means to escape by playing both side against the middle which cause such a schism....that this crack would open and I would slip right through and was free again.  It was like the feeling of coming home!!!

So not to belabor this story with too much detail ( yeah right LOL )...I use to drive each week to my two childhood friends farm and smoke pot and hang out in another beautiful location...and hang around the farm.....shoot shotguns, smoke pot, ride dirt bikes and have a ball!!  All the things of course I was not allowed to do at home since....I was not allowed to have a gun or any kind even a BB Gun.  I was not allowed to have a Motorcycle or even a mini bike or anything with a motor on it ( because that would be too scary for my Mom....you now death and all? LOL ) and of course...there was Marijuana and that was like the "Devils Weed"...and a drug!!!  And of course...there was the music I use to listen to which was not very much appreciated by my father in particular?  I remember ( funny moment ) ...sitting and listening to Jimi Hendrix at Woodstock playing the National Anthem ( pretty loud in our basement with the door closed )...and I was sitting there and my father opened the door and stood there looking at with a scowl on his face which he never did that actually since that would be going out of his way?  But this time...when he recognized the music...he sat there in disbelief and scowled then said....."This is Sacraledge!!! " and then closed the door and left.  With me sitting there going "Jesus Christ you asshole....if I wanted you opinion, I would have come asked for it!!! DICK!!! " LOL  This was my life at home.....out there, anywhere that wasn't home.....was like coming home each and every time I disobeyed my parents since that was reality.....out there which was home for me.  Home was outdoors with no restrictions or boundaries.  Outdoors where it was beautiful and peaceful and calm.  Outdoors and up....always up....as high as I could go!!  I was vertically inclined you might say...and if I wasn't swimming or at my house where I existed in only ( the stagnant cesspool of decaying matter inside the ring of repugnance and death:  The morgue or mausoleum where you go when after you die each time when you leave hom to the indoors, closed in with artificial walls an artificial boundaries ) I headed to the Mountains always and stayed there for as long as I could.  I learned to ski when I was 12 and there was never going back.  Another effective way of escape since....my mom put me on a bus with a sack lunch and few bucks.....and I was free again...one more time!!  And if that wasn't good enough...I started climbing to the top...which I eventually...climbed every Mountain near where I lived...and more than once right to the top.  When you're at the Top of the mountain...is when you are closest to God in that sense but I didn't realize why I did it....I was just following that feeling again?  Just to point out something here as the point of law so to speak.  I wasn't trying to escape reality.....was trying desperately trying to escape into it....for real!!!  Nature is real after all in the physical world?  I spent my entire existence growing up...either outdoors or in the water?  The world as we know it....is 2/3 rds water as you know.  I'm a water sign....water is my element.  It's why I started scuba diving when I was 17.  Vertically inclined is either up or down so to speak and I swung...both ways!!! LOL  Again, it was just a feeling I had but didn't know what that feeling was?

So when I went to Jesus camp after lying to my parents for over two years telling them I had been going to these Christian meeting youth groups every week to apiece my mother since I refused to go to Church with her anymore and since my mother was concerned for my eternal soul and that IS.... the only RIGHT way to save it ( as she thought )...I figured...what the Hell?  It should be fun and theres lots of outdoor activities and....she was paying for it!!  So I went..and it was great...but then, I found out the catch.  It was like going to one of those free dinners that you win in some bogus contest....and then they make you sit through a sales presentation for time share condos which you have to stay and listen to...or they bad vibe you if you were to just get up and leave so they make you feel guilty since they bribed you with a free dinner....so now your obligated to sit there and listen their sales pitch even when you aren't about to buy in?  Cheap shot...nice try Buck Wheat!!! LOL  I was not very trusting of Church already since...I already got ejected once for asking too many questions and I learned that lesson early on.  The lesson I learned from Church was.....keep your mouth shut...and just play along and you won't get in to trouble and no one will get angry with you?  It doesn't mean you have to believe it though...because I didn't until someone was willing to give me a straight answer which seemingly.....there was some big secret that no one seemed to know the answer for but everyone was in on the joke except for me...and I was the Stooge??  That was until the day my father stopped going...and that was yet....another hole to escape back to home....outdoors where I belonged.

But there was this one moment at Jesus camp....after one of the required sales promotion meetings which were nightly and you were obligated and they had you trapped and you couldn't say no....they made us all go back to our bunk rooms...and each of us was required to tell the group our inner most spiritual feelings?  Uh oh.....I could see that one coming? LOL  But what could I do?  Shit....oh well....I'm just following orders as I was taught or obligated to do?  It just would have been nice to know that I was getting a sales pitch for time share condos...or I might not have gone if they had been honest and up front.....which they were not!  Assholes!!! LOL  So I told them what I thought...and I will remember this well!! LOL

I said....."well....I don't think that God and the Devil actually exist on the outside or us....I think they live on the inside of us and that's that's where Heaven and Hell really is?  This all kind of sounds like Santa Claus to me...and I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it to be honest?"

Click eerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I've never been more uncomfortable in my life.....with 15 people sitting there with their mouths wide open..and the team leader looking at me with a look like he didn't know what to say which he didn't but he finally after a long uncomfortable pause said..."Well...that sounds very interesting?? " Next!! LOL

So at the end of the week....they pulled a number on me that was even more uncomfortable but I already learned my lesson from my previous encounter....."LIE!!!!"....and just go along and pretend and tell them what ever they want to hear!!!  I knew that one like the back of my hand from escaping into reality doing it that way already.  Piece of cake.....No pro-blamo! lol  Everyone was to stand up...and say "I Believe!!"...and then your a "Believer?"  Why?  Because we like you!!  M-O-U-S-E!!  Now  you are officially....in the club!!! 

And as I  thought at the time....what the Hell....the admission is free and why not just making everyone happy and avoiding the consequences of saying NO?  No skin off my nose to just lie and avoid any problems that way?  SMART!!!!!  LOL

The thing was.....it was the approach that I didn't like?  It was very dishonest and manipulative.  Put you into a position in a sale promotion meeting for time share condos...and bait you into it with a free dinner...and then make you have to stand up in front of a crowd of people all wathing you and then put you on the spot and try and guilt you into submission.  Very uncalled for and quite rude as I felt?  Why not just go in the front door and tell you straight....up front and honest?  That was it for me by golly....the last time they pull a stunt like that on me!!!  Assholes!!!!  You can take your take your stupid Mickey Mouse Club...and stick it where the sun don't shine!!! Jesus Christ!!!  I QUIT!!!  And I did...and refuse to go to Church or go back to that again?  One too many rejections of my feelings and then them trying to tell me my feelings were "wrong"!!  YOU"RE WRONG!!!  Assholes!!!!   That is ..... for disrespecting me since that is a total disrespect to anyone for arguing or tell someone that their feelings are wrong!!  As I felt back then.

Little did I know....that they were not wrong....but neither was I?  I was just coming at it...from a different direction which was why it made no sense to me what so ever....so by default....I just followed my feelings instead as I have always done?  And my feelings....have never really lead me astray except for the fact...that I didn't always know what those feelings were saying to me?  But the one place I knew or "thing" that I always knew....was my animals understood and I understood them?  A dog is mans best friend and I always had my dogs to fall back on...and keep me company.  That and our cats, my Guinea Pigs,  Rabbits, Birds, Frogs, Fish,Turtles, Ant Farm, etc etc etc............lol  They new the score and I understood them completely!!!  LOL  Our next neighbor had a Goat too ...but they're kind of asshole animals to be honest with you.  Kind of mean spirited and they liked to Butt you from behind when you weren't looking!!! OUCH!!  LOL

Enough of my spiritual back ground...and where I called HOME!  FYI:  I put myself back in time...to recall my thoughts back then just to put the context into the story once again?  That's not how I think or my thoughts at this time?  Just say'in :)

So yesterday..when I wrote about my experience with my mother dying....I realized something that had not occurred to me before?  When the nurse pulled me aside to tell me how moved she was when seeing me with my mother in her moment of death....I hadn't really thought about this again...but I was just going with that feeling again but this time...I realized what that feeling was?  When I was their with my moms hand in my hand in the moment of death.....all I could think about was my mother and what she needed from me?  I remembered all the times that my mother had done the same thing for me when I was sick and hurt or emotionally injured ..and she would come to me and sit with me and hold my hand and tell me it would be alright and she was there for me....when I needed her like that even though she was not the most affectionate person on earth....she was extremely empathetic to my pain?  And in the same moment....I just by default....did the same thing for her in return just to let her know I was there and it would be Okay?  It isn't Rocket Science you know?  Not that hard to figure out?  It was just her time to go....and it was my time to stay with her?  No problamo?  Just give them what they need?  Same thing I have always done...right from the beginning?  Tell them...what they want to hear whether you believe in it or not?

But it occurred to me....that I was neither sad or unhappy or full of grief?  I had a little guilt for feeling this way...but there was a Minister who came and told us in advance that this is not unusual for the survivors of someone with Alzheimer since...they effectively died a long time ago....and all that was left was the shell or vehicle they came in?  But it also occurred to me the thing with my middle sister who was kind of coming unglued at the seems?  She kept saying things like..."You're going to see your mother and father now...and you're going to see Jesus and completely missing the whole point?  That part of her...was gone already and she wanted or actually believed that part was still there?  That made sense but....she was so focused on that....she wasn't focused on my mothers needs?  Or the needs of anyone else in the room including me which is more to the point?  I had been talking to the staff and nurses long before that...and they confirmed that to me along the way?  When you're memory goes completely.....your gone and now your just like an animal with no human functions left at all?  But I knew that already...since intuitively...I could sense the same thing.  Just like my dogs, cats, rabbits, birds, fish, turtles, Guinea pigs, ant farm, etc etc etc....  Actually more like the Rabbits in how I sense it...which was probably pretty accurate?  Kind of ONE dimensional.....with a single solitary function.  Eat, sleep. poop, pee.  That was my Mom...at that level of function?  It is what it is...and that's all that it ever is?  Acceptance of reality...in the physical world we live in?  It really isn't rocket science...and it takes no genius to figure it out?

But I realized something else in the moment of another heated moment last night with my wife....when I got so frustrated and hurt again when she walked away and dismissed me ( for the 500th time!!!! ) I walked into the room...and said...."listen carefully because I'm only going to say this once.  I don't care!!  I don't care what you do and you are free to do what ever you want.  That's what you've been asking for.....well now you got it!!! "  And I walked away to recover from my feelings being hurt and me being disrespected ....once again?

But I had already been toying with an idea... or again...that feeling I had?  It's the feeling that I am in  a different dimension and I'm on a different frequency or wave length or something than other people and especially with my wife?  I keep repeating the same thing....ONE dimensional.....or maybe TWO at best?  And then I remember the day on LSD?  I remembered writing a paper on it in a class I took on the study or History of Religion and Ancient Pagen society  Primitive religions?  And I remembered exactly what I wrote and what it felt "like" at the time?  As I wrote...."It was like I was a Radio...and I was fooling around with the tuning knob...and accidently tuned into the Universe frequency and got that station or the Radio."

So I decided to look up the word "dimension" and see what it had to say?  First time ever...and this is what I found?

Sixth Dimensional Consciousness

Oneness with God, the All That Is, --- the Miracle Space

A synopsis of the essentials of sixth dimensional Oneness with God, the All That Is

The fifth and sixth dimensions of consciousness --- are different degrees or levels of Oneness with God

As given in the material on the Golden Age transition, fifth dimensional consciousness is conscious Oneness with the Spark of God Within our very own divine eternal soul. 

Sixth dimensional consciousness is Oneness with the Sparks of God Within all souls and all life ever created by God, the All That Is, everywhere.  Sixth dimensional consciousness is Oneness with the Divinity Within all souls and all life ever created by God, throughout the Cosmos.  It is Oneness with every divine, God-created aspect within God’s Cosmic Hologram. 

Oneness with God, the All That Is --- Sixth dimensional consciousness --- can be called the miracle space.  It is the space where the Peace, which passes all human understanding, exists and can be felt and experienced.  It is the state where any can seek and find and know the absolute illumined Truth of anything upon which they wish to focus their attention.  It is the space where divine Unconditional Love for all divine souls and all life ever created by God is part of the natural ambiance.  And it is the space in which the divine Cosmic Power of God, the All That Is, is available for those in Oneness to create Peace, Truth, Love, Harmony, Abundance, and Perfection here on Earth.  Sixth dimensional Oneness with God, the All That Is, is the same state of Perfection in which Jesus effected miracles 2000 years ago. 

Jesus’ times were darker times.  Two thousand years ago only a few very special individuals had the ability to rise above the negativity of the world they could see around them and move into fifth dimensional conscious Oneness with their God Within.  Even Jesus’ disciples understood little of what he told them. 

There are differences now between this time and that time.  Much added light and a higher vibration rate has been added to our Earth’s atmosphere by the Beings of Light in the Hierarchy of God who are so vitally interested in facilitating this transition.  In those 2000 years the level of human mass consciousness has also evolved and expanded tremendously. 

The result of these changes is that as of 2001, at the beginning of this Golden Age, for the first time ever since human life began --- all of humankind now has the ability to access, to experience, and to feel for themselves the bliss of sixth dimensional Oneness with God, the All That Is. 

The space of miracles

The sixth dimension may be called the space of miracles due to the tremendous divine Cosmic power that God, the All That Is, is able to effect or cause here on Earth through any human in physical body who moves into sixth dimensional Oneness. 

Sixth dimensional Oneness with God brings to all who achieve it (even in temporary meditative states) the ability to act as conduits allowing the divine Cosmic power of God, the All That Is, to be effected through them here on Earth --- to create Peace, Harmony, and Perfection in any situation for which they see a need.  Anyone in sixth dimensional Oneness with God, the All That Is, gains the ability to cause God’s divine Cosmic Power to create harmony in any situation we see here on Earth, merely by holding a divine intention for “perfection” in that situation. 

Holding such a divine intention while in the space of Being in Oneness with God, the All That Is acts as a call to God, to all the appropriate minions of God in the divine Hierarchy of God. When we are in sixth dimensional Oneness with God, the All That Is, we are in Oneness with all the divine Beings of Light comprising God, the All That Is. 

These divine Beings of Light, who live in permanent conscious Oneness with God, respond instantly to our sixth dimensional intentions --- to design and implement a plan to fulfill our divine intention.  And their designs will create divine outcomes, which prove to be for the higher good of every soul involved in our intention. 

Moving into sixth dimensional Oneness with God, the All That Is

Moving into sixth dimensional Oneness is a tremendous leap upward in awareness and consciousness.  One's consciousness is expanded into a new and higher dimension of Oneness with God.  However, the good news is that it is as easy to move into, as was fifth dimensional Oneness. 

To be able to move into sixth dimensional Oneness, you must first be in heart consciousness and fifth dimensional Oneness.  When you are in fifth dimensional Oneness with your God Within, simply holding your intention to move into Oneness with God, the All That Is --- is all that is required. 

Your divine intention acts as a call to your attached divine soul and God Within --- and your soul and God Within are eager to carry out your divine intentions.  If you allow it, you will be effortlessly lifted into the space of sixth dimensional Oneness with the Divinity within all souls and all life ever created by God.  (Your divine soul and God Within will be absolutely overjoyed that your human personality is holding such a divine intention and that your personality wishes to experience the divine feelings of that state.) 

Our part, as harmonized humans, is just to Be in sixth dimensional Oneness, to hold an intention for Perfection for a situation, and then to step aside.  Our part is simply to hold a divine intention (for a few seconds) and then to ‘step aside’.  This allows the appropriate divine minions of God to design and implement a solution that is in total harmony with Universal Law and for the higher good of all souls involved in our intention. 

We, who are still in human bodies, need not know or understand what the divine, perfect solutions will be, what they will include, nor how they will be carried out.  The divine Beings of Light do not need any humanly qualified designs for that which we may think might be a perfect solution from our human perspective.  The minions of God can know everything related to all humans involved in the breadth of our intention and therefore they are in the perfect position to design and implement the perfect solution to our intention.  Our part is finished when we hold the intention. 

In this way we act as conduits for the divine Cosmic Power of God, the All That Is, to create miracles here on Earth.  This is how Heaven on Earth will be created later in this Golden Age, through the divine intentions of those who move into sixth dimensional Oneness with God, the All That Is.    The ALL ONE experience.  I am not God.  God is me.

And I truly believe in my heart of hearts.....this is what Jesus was trying to say when he said......"I am the son of God, because God is me.  That's my interpretation of it at least....because that's what it "feels like" he was trying to say? At least to me it is and that's ALL it is?   It ain't Rocket Science you know?  Just say'in :)

And I sat there and read this and went...."Well crap.  Hey Negro.....that's all you had to say!!!"   LOL  I just wish someone had told me this sooner....it would have saved a lot of head aches!!! LOL  The joy of having ADHD...what can I say?

J

Hi everyone,

my boyfriend and I’ve been dating since March and we were uber happy and in love during the first 3 months. I felt like the center of his universe and, even though it was a long distance relationship pretty much  from the beginning, we managed to get to know each other quite well thanks to Skype, Messenger and all kinds of other tools.
He had mentioned from time to time that he was a “bumbling boy”, that he had a hard time organizing his tasks and schedules, that his brain RAM was not as big as mine, that he had trouble with insomnia…  Always in a charming and half-joking way but honest at the same time. Once he mentioned that he had been diagnosed with ADHD during childhood but it didn’t seem to be an issue now. I guess I should’ve listened more carefully back then but I wasn’t that educated on ADHD.  He even told me that he cannot make friends as easily as he wishes and that he’s not good in keeping in touch with friends and family – sometimes he wouldn’t be in touch with his family for 3-4 months. Given his focus on me during those months I couldn’t imagine that he would ever be able to ignore me. 
In the 4th month he suddenly stopped calling and texting everyday. He was super busy with his work (he’s an artist, and yes, he can live off it ;-) ) and he was surrounded by his Mom and her second husband who is verbally abusive against her. He was diagnosed with a depressive episode and given some tranquilizers. The episode lasted for about 3-4 weeks. I figured that it had been caused by his moving back in with his Mom, reliving a childhood trauma full of verbal abuse by his father. I was relieved to hear that he would soon move to London to pursue his master’s degree at an elite university – far away from that bad environment. I was also worried if he could manage to settle down in spite of his recent depressive episode, but anything would be better than that environment.

He moved there in July and we had a deal that I would visit him in mid-August. I could tell that he was very busy with his studies but we were back to normal: long distance but with almost daily messaging and calling. Then, one day before my departure to London he suddenly canceled on me. Saying that he was way too busy – of course, I understood that he’s having a hard time managing working and studying in a completely new environment, but I just couldn’t hide my disappointed. A couple of days later we talked this over via skype and when asking him why he cancelled on me on such short notice… he could hardly explain. He had felt overwhelmed by his schedule and panicked. And now he felt ashamed and disappointed in himself: shame and disappointment in himself are now clear verbal cues for me but back then I just didn’t understand why he gave himself such a hard time over one “misstep”. I couldn’t put the pieces together; i assumed it must’ve been due to his depression. He had promised that i could visit a month later, when his entry exams were over and right before he had to start painting for 4 exhibitions. (I had a very bad feeling about his organization regarding four exhibitions on top of his studies and commissioned work. But who was I to judge after a mere 6 months of dating?)

Well, 4 weeks went by, he passed his exams, and we ended up having a very bad discussion via skype: he completely lost his focus during our talk, overwhelmed by the passed exam and following paperwork for his visa, he started to remember his other To Dos, started to mumble how he might not have time for me, although he so badly wanted to see me…  We got caught in one of those demon dialogs, where I kept pulling and he suddenly got all defensive. I just couldn’t shut up but kept pushing “so when can I come then? You said I could come next week…But you promised that...” I didn’t show my best side either: I pouted and nagged, I guess. I was just so disappointed by yet another broken promise. And he must have felt like a failure, again. He turned very cold and defensive. We kinda agreed that his work has priority one but that he would try to make some time for me. But we couldn’t “hug it out” and it felt as if the discussions wasn’t really ended on good terms. We both felt bad about the things we said. I apologized via message but he had already began to shut down. He told me he was sorry and asked me to wait. Wait for him. 

That was almost 4 months ago. After that bad discussion he went into a tunnel, focussing on work, painting day and night while attending his classes at college as well. Within 4 weeks after the discussion we just texted once in a while until he completely cut me off. I haven’t directly heard from him for almost 3 months now. I’ve tried to reach out to him several times with messages and calls, but he ignores them. Well, he had told me to wait for him, hasn’t he? (at least I haven’t lost my – dark – sense of humor). Even if he reads them, he does not reply. The only connection I have left are rare mutual likes and even rarer comments on facebook and instagram posts – this is very 21st century ;-) 

I can only tell by posts on facebook from his vernissages that he’s merely a shadow of his former self probably due to insomnia and working day and night in his tunnel. I now remember that he had told me months ago that he could “be like this” sometimes, that he really doesn’t mean to but somehow ends up shutting down. And he asked me to just ignore him until “it’s over” – I tried to figure out what “IT” could be. i started to read a lot on depression, anxiety and, finally, on ADHD. It all makes sense now thanks to Russell Barkley, Melissa Orlov and others’ books. I now see the pattern in his behavior and I logically know that he does not mean to hurt me. Nor does he mean to shut down. He had said that he wanted to become a better person for me and now I know what he meant with that. But it is still very painful and confusing when the man you love suddenly shuts down and shuts you out of his life. I feel like he went to a completely different planet. I know that he’s not even seeing his new friends in London but ‘hyperfocusing’ on work. And I’m worried that he’ll have a complete breakdown after finishing his last exhibition in mid-December. Moreover, I’m having a hard time at trusting him to come back to me like he said. Our relationship is still so young and he has kind of used up my trust for now. On some days I don’t know what to do anymore.

Should I do just as he said and how he’s used to cope with “it”: try to ignore him until he “cools down” after finishing his last exhibition? Until he comes back and out of his tunnel?
Or should I keep trying to reach out for him on a regular basis? ( I try to reach out him once every 7-10 days) 

It is very hard and the whole situation definitely made me reach my limits at some point, well actually several points. But I’m learning how to take care of myself instead of focusing my energy on worrying about him. I also have a strong support network by friends and family with whom I talk openly about everything. So I do have the confidence and the will to work things out with him, also thanks to all the literature and youtube lectures by Barkley and Pera. And, after all, I still love him. I cannot save him and that is not my intention. I would simply love to be there for him, by his side, so that we can grow together as a team. He has so much to give when he’s not taken over by ADHD. 
But… as long as he’s in his own world, I feel so helpless. I cannot reach out to him, not even to tell him that I now better understand what’s going on with him and that it is ok. He must feel so ashamed and anxious. 

Sorry for my awfully long story. I hope I can find some understanding for my situation and, honestly, some reassurance that I’m not a fool to keep believing in him and us although things are so incredibly bad right now. Looking forward to hear about your own experiences and feel free to give me any advice or feedback – I can handle the facts way better than uncertainty ;-) 

Jen

Just had yet another birthday for which my ADHD husband did not prepare. The last minute card and chocolates from the local drug store are hurtful. Didn't even remember to wish me a happy birthday. How am I not supposed to translate this as not caring? Try not to build up my hopes at times of birthdays, anniversaries, valentines etc. And remember that planning is difficult for him but ADHd is an explanation not an excuse. When we discuss things he says he cares but how am I supposed to believe this?

A general observation that I've seen floated before: that men tend to want to make up for hurting someone by doing something, whereas women generally want to fix it by talking or listening instead. I've posted here before about having conflicts with my wife and being at a loss for words — how to show the right kind of empathy, for example? So I wind up doing something instead... more often than not now, it's something small and stupid. "Busy-work", she calls it when she's upset. But how else to work on my own flooding without stewing in my own negative thoughts?

Our first really serious fight several years ago, and two nights spent away from our house, my wife came home to find some fresh flowers in a vase... and me upstairs, ripping the old caulk out of the shower and re-caulking it. (Hadn't she complained about it before, feeling certain that I wasn't hearing her?)

On the rare occasion we can call time-out on a heated discussion, I'll zip into the other room to make sure the bed is made nice and neat, or tidy up the drawers in the kitchen. (She asks, does that make you feel better about the stupid things you said 15 minutes ago?)

If I wake up somewhere other than next to her in bed, I'll set aside a small breakfast for her and then get right on to cleaning the house. (She's probably stressed and behind on her other stuff... doesn't that show that I care if I take the lead on this?)

Well hey, I don't know if there's a point to this post, other than to share my general thoughts, and see if anyone else has observations, critiques, or stories of their own on this topic. Certainly I'd be curious to know what females think of all this, as they sit and watch their men mow the yard, or help fold the laundry, or whatever.