I found an old post by Melissa Orlov where she said:

""There is not one single diagnostic statement that suggests that anger is one of the symptoms of ADHD.  Not one.  He needs to go back to his doctor immediately and work this out.  Probably some therapy would help as part of that treatment.""

I agree.  

We often see posts from people stating that their partners have ADHD and the people provide stories that include lots of anger.

So I know I posted about the weird changes my husband made a couple of months ago, where suddenly he started following through on his promises for projects on the house and started working out on the elliptical etc.  and he started treating me better and telling me he loved me and calling me on his lunch break etc....  I think I understand some of what was going on.

before those changes he had been sitting outside, chain smoking and watching world of Warcraft videos all day.  Basically he was ignoring me and sinking back into his hole.  That's when I took back my own mojo, refocusing my enery onto myself.  I figured if he wanted to waste his life on shit that was going to isolate him and keep him from ever accomplishing anything that was his choice, and there was no reason to waste a single bit of myself on someone who just didn't care..  So I started taking care of myself for the first time in many years.  It made a huge difference for me.  I think he must have seen some of that.

so yesterday, he asked me if I wanted to watch the world of Warcraft movie with him, and I was like absolutely not.  I told him I KNEW about how he became obsessed again etc and that I would have no part of it.  He was very polite and said he totally understood.  He also said he agreed.... I was shocked.  He said he knew he had a problem and he had started participating in a support forum for wow addiction....  I was utterly speechless.  He told me that he realized he had a problem, and that he started reading up on wow addiction and games etc.  he even had downloaded the app that put him right into the forum on his phone.  So every time he felt the urges start to overwhelm him he went into the forum to read and get support.  He has been doing this for the past few months, and it lines up to when he made those really positive changes.  I wish that you guys could of seen his face.  He seemed really happy about this.  

This is so amazing.... This is a man who denied the existence of gaming addiction never mind that HE would be addicted!  He is truly taking charge of his life.  I know it's a small step, but it's an incredibly mature and adult thing to do.  I am extremely proud of him.  I hope he finds it in himself to continue this climb.  I can't help him to it, it's all in his court.  But I think that he may have hit a place that he wants to make changes for himself.  Even this small step has shown some really amazing improvement.  

I am am just really proud of him, and really honored that he shared it with me.  I really really hope this is the start of him believing in himself.  

Oh, oh, he also fixed my ringer on his phone.  He told that he wasn't sure how, but all his ring tones had been set to mine.  He said he picked it specifically because it's called Stargazer because I love astronomy.  I didn't prompt him to do this.... It's like he just noticed it.  I fixed his back to his custom tones too. I know it's a little thing, but devil is in the details right? It's the little gestures that show love and kindness. 

Today, I hurt.  This month marks the 6th anniversary of my first husbands death, the first anniversary of my mothers death, the 18th anniversary of my first wedding date, and the absolute purge of my current marriage.

(I removed most of this, because I wrote it in the heat of being so upset.  I said things that were harsh and that I know are not true about my husband, and I said things out of hurt and anger.)

That said, my heart still is heavy, and my brain is fried.  I know I was fighting my instincts here, and I have decided to follow my heart, and NOT follow my normal Vulcan like logic.  I have to show love, even when it is not returned or will be returned, because it is who I am.  And I am committed to living authentically - and that means making decisions not in the heat of anger and/or hurt - but making them with the best intentions for the one I love most in the world.  I have learned that from so many of you here. (especially you C-  though I have often wondered HOW you manage!)  I am unable to shut down my heart, and I cannot turn off my love.

He is leaving, and i will be OK - but I will be BETTER than OK if I react with love.  Even if he leaves here and we never speak again.  I know that I will have acted in love.  And he has never had that before - not even with his oldest friends.

The truth is my husband on the inside is the man I love most in the world.  Who he truly is, underneath this ill fitting mask of his.  And he need to be able to leanr and KNOW deep down inside what I already know - that he is capable, and has the ability to make it.  I want him to have the best chance, so I am offering to let him stay until he has the money to honestly get his own place.  He needs to finally, stand on his own two feet and NOT live on anyone elses success.  Most people do this when they are young, he never did.  Now is his chance to do this and find his own wings.  I do this to show love, because love isnt dependent on what you recieve, love is giving.  And I choose love.

I've been married to an ADHD man for 2 years, together for 5. We have a toddler together and my older son from a previous relationship. At first I was too busy working full time, going to school full time, and being a parent to really notice his..odd behavior. When we first moved in together, things were great. We planned to get married. Then I started to see how bad what he called his 'anxiety' was- he constantly rearranged his kitchen cupboards, refrigerator, all of his stuff in the attic and garage and carport. My desk during finals. He refused to allow me to make changes to his home where he has lived for 5 years before meeting me. I lived with dark green walls and ceilings in my home for 2 years before he agreed to let me paint ONE ROOM. He is employed now at a great company (construction) but prior to that he was chronically unemployed. He figured being on the out of work list at the Union hall gave him free reign to hang out at home and play video games all day. When the unemployment  ran out, I had to take out more student loans to pay bills, bc he absolutely refused to go get ANY job to pay our bills and our accounts were going to be negative. Like it wasn't even a real problem to him at all. I was dumbfounded.

In addition to flat out ignoring me and my emotional needs on a daily basis, every single 'fun' trip (which I always always plan) we have taken as a family has been a total nightmare full of silent treatment, snapping at me/children,and  nasty tirades about nothing or why what I said or did is wrong.  He regularly demeans me and my opinions, so every thing in our lives is a battle for him.. I take care of 100% of our children's needs and 90% of my husband's. I do it all while putting up with continued ridiculousness. Only he can turn a discussion about my recently failing health (STRESS!!!) into a tirade about how I make the house a cave in the middle of the day (during my toddler's nap time, while he is usually at work) and that its more logical to keep the windows open. I asked, do you want me to do that just when you're home, or should I keep the blinds open when you are at work too? Everyday? "Well I don't care. I'm just saying!'

I tell my son to take a shower, or go outside, or watch tv, or do homework, and my husband 90% of the time will immediately blurt out that our son doesn't need to or shouldn't.  He insults me regularly, in front of people, disrespects my parenting decisions in front of our children, his regular everyday mood is grumpy (unless around friends or his family!), he always has a scowl, and  his famous words after going on a rant about whatever- 'well I don't care. I'm just saying.'  Really feel like banging my head into a wall when I hear that one! I recently got a disgusted look and a nasty comment when I decided to bring a couple jugs of water on a 6 hour road trip and three day hotel stay with our toddler at his friend's wedding. 'What's all this water for? I don't understand why you brought so much? You didn't think we would have WATER to drink here!?' In front of his friend. Argued and challenged with me at the wedding reception table when I took away a grape-sized piece of greasy sausage that he had given our 16 month old. The kicker is his tantrums and body language. Everything about him just screams this is a miserable angry man. He has a negative energy that follows him around. Comes in the house after work, first thing he does is snap 'Why's he watching tv!? It's nice outside!' Um because I'm and adult and his parent who is responsible for him and I made that decision?!

The tipping point for me was when he got a DUI a couple years back. We had a big fight while I was pregnant, he decided to leave to go get drunk and got pulled over on the way home from the bar. He actually said to me, ' the DUI was YOUR fault!' He is 31 years old. Blaming his pregnant, anxiety ridden wife for his DUI. At this point I began looking for a way out, or at least a magical cure. I knew about his childhood ADHD diagnosis but still thought maybe he just had anxiety, since he as always so restless. I insisted he go get anxiety meds. He gave me excuses for the next year, finally got Prozac, took a dozen pills over a month or so and decided he didn't like them, they didn't work, he was fine. I was the one being the nagging bitch. Why couldn't I just 'calm down?'  

We went to counseling, the misery continued. Refused all suggestions of medications. Spent sessions making chore lists and discussing responsibilities and division of labor at home; he did some of his chores, partway, when he felt like it. Bathrooms and kitchen floors went filthy for weeks, dogs neve got walked. Asked him to go on a family camping trip this summer, since we had just got a big tent and we didn't go last year bc the baby was too little. He said he wanted to go to a remote location 4 hours away. I asked if maybe this first trip with the toddler we could go up the hill to a place closer and more familiar. He got angry, completely shut me down, said 'well I'm not going there! It's my place or we aren't going anywhere!', and we never went camping. My 8 year old son recently told me he was sad bc we never went camping and I broke down crying. How have I let this angry, miserable human being run my life into the ground?? My birthday this year was spent crying bc my husband had not only made zero plans for my birthday, but decided to get into a huge fight with me when I asked him to please stop doing laundry because laundry was my chore and he would move loads around and leave clean clothes out and basically just make a huge pain and mess up my work flow. Completely losing it because 'I used a tone' and 'he couldn't do anything right' and so he started to sulk and storm around. Oh and yes he likes to throw furniture and break brooms and punch holes in walls when he is really pissed.. This is all happening just three weeks after I had taken the kids and went to my aunts, declaring I was done. Well having no job, no income, and two children in someone else's house ended up being too stressful and I came back 5 days later. We had talked on the phone and he said he wanted us home, but I couldn't really hear it coming from his heart. Like he just knew his life would fall apart without me to take care of everything. So I came back to more of the same, but worse. Continued counseling. I would throw out rotten food from the fridge, he would open the trash can, retrieve the spoiled food, and insist it was 'fine!'

After the long road trip to the wedding and dealing with his outrageously childish rude behavior towards me all weekend, after a summer of hell, after years of hell, I've finally realized  that this isn't just normal marital conflict. I began to read more about ADHD and came across this blog and others, and I cried with relief. I realized that our counselor sensed my husband's incredible stubborn, defensive nature, and has been trying to treat his ADHD the whole time without naming it. Suggestions like fish oil, exercise, etc. I have lost a ton of weight from the stress and am now 15 pounds underweight. I asked if I could buy some new pants since none fit, and my husband snapped at me to not spend a lot of money on them unless I was PLANNING on staying this skinny. Actually no, I plan on getting you out of my life and getting happy and healthy again! I have regular painful headaches and mysterious bruises totally covering my legs. My doctor says its stress.

I finally explained to him last week that I am no longer working on a marriage where he refuses to accept the role his ADHD symptoms have played in the demise of our relationship. Get on meds, get help, or I am getting a job, moving out, taking the children and divorcing him. I'm still young. I don't need to be disrespected and talked down to every day of my life. There's zero happiness, fun, or intimacy between us. We fought about it of course, but the next day I was shocked to learn he had made an appointment to see the psychiatrist . He was prescribed Wellbutrin a few days ago to treat the ADHD but hasn't actually taken a pill yet. I'm hoping for a miracle but trying to stay realistic. He keeps saying he wants to stay together but I'm not sure what his motives are. I told him if we didn't have children I would have been gone a long time ago. Which is very true. I've been trapped for a long time. I'm ready to put my daughter in daycare and go get a job. At least I have a graduate degree and am about to start a good career to support my children on my own. Maybe that scares him too, he knows I don't really 'need' him to survive. He said he would read a book The ADHD Effect with me nightly, which we did tonight for the first time. I cried while reading the experience of the spouse with non-ADHD. I'm not sure how committed he is to change. I feel like he's doing this to shut me up and he still doesn't accept the role ADHD plays in our marriage problems. I can't sleep and have been on the couch every night away from him. He continues to focus on what I have done in this relationship, which I have repeatedly owned up to and promised to work on. Still waiting for him to own up to anything . Not sure what will happen. Part of me is already so done I don't care what kind of help he gets. Another part still loves him deep down. Can this much pain be overcome??