Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • getting married soon and freaking out. Unsure of what my next step should be. by: hopeful4 7 years 11 months ago

    Hey all,

     

    This is actually my first ever post as im in need fo specific advice. 

    We have been together for three years and will soon be married. He is genuinely a good man, and i am completely in love with him. I am willing to do any and everything to keep both of us happy as individuals and as a couple. 

    our issues seem to be the usual ' lack of control, time management etc. i don't know exactly how to outline the few concerns i have, so I'll just list them with a few examples.

    1.LYING: when we first met, he didn't tell me about his ADHD ( he later confessed to not being sure of my reaction, hence the delay in telling me) . He smoked and drank but told me he didn't smoke, and only drank very rarely. He has spent money on lotteries and Pokemon etc and failed to notify me, my issue is that gambling on things like lotteries and pokeballs should be first discussed and agreed upon by BOTH partners. He is generally a pretty good guy, except that he lies, either by omitting information, or flat out denying the gravity of things. 

    2. MINIMAL SELF CONTROL: He is unable to plan and stick to a healthy and productive lifestyle, i have told him repeatedly how much he needs to eat healthy, quit smoking, exercise more and meditate to help him maintain good health. He says he will, but always reverts back to his usual habits. He behaves inappropriately when out in public where he becomes extra clumsy, chews with his mouth open, talks over everyone,or just ignores everyone. He constantly over eats, drinks too much coffee, overdoes his medication etc. 

    3. HYGIENE:  his hygiene is a lot better now, but not where it should be. he is very messy, leaves the bedroom messy, his clothes all over the floor, cooks and then leaves a huge mess, must be reminded to shower and brush his teeth etc. Again, he has made improvements and i am really proud of him for that, but i feel that he is progressing slowly and its really frustrating me.

    4. COMMUNICATION: whenever we have had disagreements, and i have cried and physically pushed or shoved him, he focuses on the fact that im attacking him, or that im being physically aggressive rather than the problem itself. I try so hard to explain to him what the issue is, why its making me upset/ angry etc. He doesn't seem to understand that his slow response and reluctance / refusal to accept responsibility is driving me insane.

    PS: He is a very intelligent man, very educated, has a steady job, gets along wth family, is very affectionate, super romantic, emotionally aware etc. so he is not a bad person, its just a few of his behaviors that concern me. 

    SUMMARY: I am not innocent in this, hence why i have come here for advice. Prior to my relationship with him, i was always a laid back person, i had no problem removing myself from a situation that i felt was draining, and i always kept my cool. Now, i have become angry and frustrated. there have been so many times where i have imagined myself hurling objects at him to harm him. I really really hate that i think like this, i don't like the frustration and the resentment i feel towards him for being so stubborn and defensive. I don't want to use violence to get through to him. I want to communicate with him and have him understand and compromise, just like i have throughout our relationship.

    I want to feel great about marrying him, and  to actually feel hopeful about our future together with a thriving family, as opposed to anxiety about having to fight with my spouse for the rest of my life. 

     

     

  • I don't care by: oldgoose 7 years 11 months ago

    Does anyone else experience this from their ADHD spouse?

    ME :"we'll be late if you don't hurry up"

    HIM: "I don't care" (shrug)

    ME: "Your hair needs cutting dosn't it?"

    HIM: "I don't care" (shrug)

    ME: "You really upset me with what you said to me yesterday"

    HIM: "I don't care" (shrug)

    ME: "I think you upset Linda by what you said to her"

    HIM: "I don't care" (shrug)

    ME: "But why won't you dress up for the party, everyone else will"

    HIM "I don't care" (shrug)

    Do you get what I am saying? He dosn't seem to care about ANYTHING except when his football team loses, or he falls out with the boss at work. Do all ADHD'ers say this and do they mean it? It is so frustrating and upsetting and I feel that I am constantly having to explain his condition to people when he has refused to talk, join in or has upset someone.

    How do you deal with it?

     

     

     

     

     

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  • Progress After Taking Couples Course by: eyekahlo 7 years 11 months ago

    I am happy with a bit of improvement I have seen thus far.

    I just completed the couples course by myself as my husband would not join me in the live course but we have listened to 3 sessions together afterwards but he will not do any more sessions.

    SO I have been working on myself and have come to several aha moments. I have changed at least 10 things about myself and have been sticking to it. I have been evaluating everything that I say and do now since about a month or so ago when the aha moments sunk in and I was ready to implement them.

    So this “rant” is the result of trying to have a “learning conversation” (part of the course). At least this is how I interpreted that to mean and tried to have one with my spouse.

    Husband agreed to take the kitchen trash (one 13 gallon bag) out on Thursdays- after a very rough learning conversation. I expressed my utter distaste for that task. I mentioned calmly that I take out the compost, the other household trash-2 offices, 2 bathrooms,2 in bedroom, and 3 misc trash in other rooms weekly. He was very agreeable and said he would do it happily. Then he immediately turned to an angry stance about why should he and how unfair it was as he is the one supporting us and he shouldn't have to do any chores. He said I was beating the subject to death especially when I asked that he not put the trash in the open bed of the truck where the crows, raccoons etc decimate it or leave it exposed in the trash area when several empty bins were available. I guess I should have not said that part as he retorted that I was busting his bX*&s. I am being honest when I say I did not provoke this response.  I calmy explained the reasons why  this incomplete method of trash removal caused more mess, smell and complaints from neighbors and how it made me feel. The result was he begrudgingly put a reminder in his phone to do it at noon on Thursdays something he  came up with. He suggested the day and time. I agreed calmly.

    So he has done that chore for about 3 weeks ( I responded with thanks and praise) with one of the weeks -he used his judgment as trash barrel was not full yet so he did it on Saturday when it was full. He mentioned that and I responded that I did notice it, praised him and thanked him  a day or so later again for doing that. I also said I was so very appreciate and that it had made me very happy.I  said you are correct why take the trash if it isn't full yet.

    Yesterday he took the one bag out and left it in the hall at about 10 am.

    I came down from my home office and saw it there after he had left for work.

    I did something “different” as was stressed in the course.

    • I did not complete the task of taking it out to the trash outside.(I usually do out of frustration)
    • And I did not go “ballistic” about why a single bag of trash couldn't get taken out.

    The bag stayed there for several hours.The down side would have been it starting to smell.The dog could have ripped it and eaten chicken bones etc. but luckily the dog was with him all day so she did not get to it.

    When I came down from my home office at 6pm for dinner the bag was gone.

    So I had to adjust my expectations about how and when it was done- that is not according to my standards but it was taken out. I realize he could be testing me. I also realize that because of the ADHD he got distracted and “forgot” that it was there. I had heard him go in and out several times before he finally left for work- which is usual as he gets out to the truck and realizes he has forgot something- each time he walked by the bag he had left there. Our trash bin is in an area outside is near the driveway and although he doesn't walk by it it is not a large detour to put the trash in the bin and then get in the truck. But this did not happen this am

    Also I should note that I had put a new lace curtain in a large window above the sink in the kitchen 2 days ago. I know he had not noticed it yet even though he had been at the sink several times. He still had not noticed it last night when we were in the kitchen together. I was desperate for a compliment as I had sewed it. I asked him if he liked the new curtain I sewed and installed. He then said that he had not even noticed. Then he said yes he liked it.

    So him not noticing the trash bag after he had put it there himself in the hall really is typical behavior for him.

    I struggled to understand that but after the couples course I now understand that the ADHD brain is wired very differently than mine.

    Also he still is very rebellious and defiant (at 65!) than the most rebellious teenager you know.

    All in all, I believe that this is a sign of improvement and am encouraged.

    I neglected to compliment him about it last night at dinner (my bad) but I did compliment him this am. And I am not sure if I praise him another time say on Saturday about it again if that will be overboard in the praise department?

    Does anyone have any comment or similar thoughts about suddenly noticing a change in their spouse and how to be genuine about praise?

    Or how to cope with realizing that my way is not the end all of how to do stuff correctly?

    Or about an ADHD spouse not noticing “stuff”.? In the past literally I have re-arranged the entire living room and he has not noticed for 2 weeks. So I think I have a “tough nut to crack”.

    I also appreciate any validation as I am very needy in that department as I have been dismissed and invalidated for most of the marriage .Thanks in advance.

  • I salute all the spouses that stayed with their ADHD partners, YOU ARE GODS. YOU ARE SAINTS. YOU ARE ANGELS.  by: patontheshouler 7 years 11 months ago

    I decided to leave. I cannot take care of myself anymore, let alone a man-child. I feel like when my ADHD partner is around, I worry incessantly, "is he paying the bills?" "Is he looking for a job?", "how many hours of video games has he played?", "we talked about wiping toothpaste off the sink today, did he remember to do it?". 

    When my ADHD partner is around, I am always on alert, "is he going to tell me I'm a thunder cunt for nagging?", I only asked him 4 times in four days whether he signed up for a job fair, that's why I'm a thundercunt. Thanks, partner, you're so supportive. 

    When I'm working on graduate school work and assignments, paper-writing, student essay-grading, I am always anxious, "is he going to walk in and start forcing me to have sex?", "if I say no is he going to take it as a yes?", he only told me "You're no fun." when I refuse to have sex, and we ALWAYS have sex 3 times a week, is that not enough? 

    When the ADHD partner is here, I don't relax, I can't relax, I do not know how to relax. Do you experience this?

    I'm so done with dating someone with ADHD. NEVER AGAIN. When somebody has ADHD, and when you learn that person is living in the basement of his ex-girlfriend's, and that the ex-girlfriend basically kept him as a pet in the basement and provided all the groceries, gave him a credit card to swipe, gave him dinner on the table, and paid for his phone-bill, car insurance bill, internet bill, and a place for him to bring his new girlfriend to bang rent-free, RUN, RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

    If you are reading this and you're thinking that you've met your Peter Pan, stop right there. Read more about what an ADHD partner can do. They will make you miserable. And I stand by that, because I experienced the lies, the deceit, the anger, the impulsivity, the inability to control their emotions, the inability to comprehend their partner's needs and functioning only on their time (which is NOW and NOW ONLY). You want to STOP pretending you can be that person to change them, or make them be a better version of themselves or that they will be gainfully employed after you've tried to schedule a routine to help him get a job, learn interview skills, do drills for interviewing for jobs.  

    Never trust an ADHD'er when they tell you they're sorry, they are not sorry, they are only saying sorry so you would stop being mad at the time. Never let an ADHD'er have a second chance when they smashed your computer, threw coffee on your face, and yelled in your ear that 'you're a fucking bitch and a brat, leave me alone.' when I ask him 'why can't you get your shit together.' Yes, I want him to be employed, to set goals for himself, to be socially proper, to stop playing video games ,to stop being lazy, to live fully and not in a fantasy land of simply NOW in a no-ness.

    I'm sorry all ADHD'ers, I have failed you. I don't understand you. I guess an analogy is that instead of being physically handicapped, you are mentally handicapped, but instead of getting help like getting a wheel-chair and doing physiotherapy and using the ramp like a physically handicapped would, you decided that mental handicappedness is not a source of inconvenience to yourself and others. You continue to make your non-ADHD partners worried sick, to the point that they CANNOT think and literally want to pull all their hairs and scream on the top of their lungs "FUCKING HEAR ME OUT! STOP BEING SO DIFFICULT!!!!!" 

    And with that, I salute all the spouses that stayed with their ADHD partners, YOU ARE GODS. YOU ARE SAINTS. YOU ARE ANGELS. 

  • It's Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night of the Mouth that Chews Your A$$ Out Every Day by: ADHD_Highway_to... 7 years 11 months ago

    I apologize for the following rant of an ADHDer, but I just wanted to get this out there. . . . .

    I realize that living with us is no picnic to say the least, but for me, it gets tiring to be blamed for EVERYTHING no matter the proof or lack of it and feeling like I'm walking on eggshells.  Case in point - as ADHDers, we have a crappy memory, I get that.  But whenever there's a dispute of he said, he didn't say, I ALWAYS come out on the losing end.  There have been times that I KNOW I've told my SO things, appointments, etc, and she either forgets, doesn't remember, etc, but it is MY fault because she "knows" I didn't tell her, and don't DARE dispute it because "who's the one with the better memory?"  There was even a time that I had my kid come to me later and tell me "I DID hear you tell her X, dad."  Well, I'm not about to drag my kid into our arguments, but it WAS validating to hear that I wasn't going mad.  

    Then there was the time that my wife was about to tell me something, but if I didn't write it down, I'd forget it.  So I politely told her to hold that thought while I get my notebook . . .after glancing at where it should be and not finding it, I looked for any pad, and not finding one, get the back of an envelope which I would use to transcribe to my notebook later - a process that took literally less that 30 seconds.  Apparently that was too long for my impatient wife who went off in a huff and said "FORGET IT, the moment passed."  However, I KNOW that if I didn't write it down, it would be just as good as lost, and she would make some snide comment about that - so I'm damned if I do, sure as heck damned if I don't. . . . when I told her that I just needed to write it down, apparently just telling her was trying to start an argument in her book, and I should not be defensive. . . . .  

    I feel that no matter what I do, I can never make her happy because EVERYTHING I do torques her off.  To her, I'm the one who needs fixing, I'm the one who "makes" her act angry all the time, I'm the one who ALWAYS starts arguments, I'm the one who's defensive if I try and explain myself, I'm the one who seems to have some sort of conspiratorial grand scheme to get back at her when I'm angry, I'm ALWAYS the childish one, I NEVER try and do anything romantic anymore (however, see the title of my post for why), I'm the one with ADHD so therefore any of my arguments are invalid, I'm the one with ADHD so ANY perspective or perception I have is wrong and hers is ALWAYS correct, I'm the one with ADHD so therefore I'm the narcissist, she doesn't have ADHD so therefore any response of hers is the adult one and mine never are, I'm the one with ADHD and she's not so she deserves allowances if she makes mistakes, but I've already worn out any patience so I have no more allowances, she's not the one with ADHD and I am so she MUST have the patience of a saint to have to deal with all of my issues for all these years and I just have to lump it if she loses patience, I'm the one with ADHD and she isn't and she doesn't know anyone who would have put up with my crap for all of these years, I'm the one with ADHD so therefore I'm NEVER dependable, I'm the one with ADHD so therefore I never had any business getting married due to all f the stress I create (same with any ADHDer), I'm the one with ADHD so it is always MY fault when any of the holidays, birthdays, vacations, etc are "ruined", I'm the one with ADHD so therefore I'm responsible for her mental state and panic attacks and if I didn't have ADHD or if she never met me, life would be just normal.

    I don't mean to paint her as some sort of evil witch that I should leave due to her attitude - I do love her, it is just that this is how I feel at this time, and I'm damn tired of it and I needed to do an emotion dump that was way overdue.  I hate all of the arguments that we have and feeling like I'm blamed for EVERYTHING.  Thanks for anyone who made it this far in my rant . .  .

  • 10-month relationship; Too early to have these problems? by: brandicofer 7 years 11 months ago

    My boyfriend (who has been coping with ADHD his whole life) is 36 years old.  We began dating at the beginning of this year.  Soon after we started dating, he mentioned his ADHD and the medication he was taking to help with symptoms.  While I was glad he shared this information with me, it was during our courting phase and there were absolutely no harmful ADHD relationship issues even remotely occurring at that time.

    6-months into our relationship, he went from all-in to all-out.  He completely lost interest in me.  And for the past three months, we have been on the verge of letting go.

    Just over a week ago, my boyfriend listened to the first chapter of The ADHD Effect on Marriage.  The audio book was given to him by a close friend who's marriage ended because of ADHD symptoms.  After he listened to the first chapter, he let me listen to it.  We were instantly stunned to realize these issues were so very common in ADHD relationships.  We have listened to a few more chapters together, but we are still arguing.

    He never knew that his tendency to jump from relationship to relationship was based on his ADHD.  It's eye opening for him to have some answers finally, but I think he's too tired to even try to save OUR relationship.  My biggest fear is that I will have invested so much love and energy and time into learning about this part of him, but he will just want to start fresh with someone else, and use the tools he learns with her.

    We've had painful moments between us (an emotional affair on his part) and a few lies.  Knowing his ADHD was not being managed, I have said I want to move forward and not linger on a couple of months that just happened to be really hurtful for me.

    Non-ADHD partners and spouses....  How do you reach him to tell him that the whole he has dug IS fully capable of being filled in again?

  • Is it commitment fear? by: waldewin 7 years 11 months ago

    Since I have gotten great advice from here before, I hope that someone will also comment on this. This is partially a continuation of the topic about my boyfriend playing a martyr. I had some time to think and observe and would like to hear your feedback on some additional problems. 

    The more I am together with my boyfriend, the more it seems to me that he is not fully committed. It is this weird combination of being caring and not really fully present in the relationship. What do I mean by this?

    Well, for instance we are taking a trip with our friends and my boyfriend misses his flight (we did not take the same flight). He lets our friend (organizer) know about his delay, but he never contacts me. He is surprised when I then feel hurt that he never considered it necessary to talk to me personally. His opinion was that, I will find out anyways from our friend.

    He goes to work trip (for one month). I have to convince him to talk to me on skype. He lets me know how meeting at an exact time is a drag for him and how he would like to do this once a week or once in two weeks. He calls me needy when I want to meet more often.

    He goes to the store and when I ask him to bring something for me- he protest that, he needs to go to the store all the time (he does not). I start negotiating with him to get my stuff from the store.

    We are talking about the future and my partner keeps giving me unclear answers as to when and where he wants to have a family. He has his conditions (interesting job, good salary, social network) which are currently not all fulfilled. He says that before those things are fulfilled, he is not willing to have kids. However, he is not doing anything to change the situation and it seems to me as if he is expecting me to make a change for him and somehow grant him all these benefits, because it is my interest to have children.

    Does this behavior have something to do with adhd? What can I do, I assume it is not normal behavior? I am so confused because he really occilates between being super-caring and then making a big scene about something which I want. One other example- the other day I was feeling sad about something and then I told my boyfriend about a personal weakness that I have and which I have to address. I in the end asked him for some comforting and my boyfriend got angry, because I am violating his borders (his words). His translation of the situation was- I messed up and then I need someone else to take care of my feelings. I do not understand if these things are really over the top. These are the similar kind of things which, when my boyfriend does those, he considers to be big favors. So I am a little bit confused here. 

    From my perspective it seems that he makes a big deal out of things, that one would do anyways in the relationship.  For instance I ask him every time I go to the store if I should bring him something (usually he says no, which later gives him in his eyes a chance to say that I never bring him something). The same thing about listening- I listen to him, but I sometimes tend to overreact- in situations where he tells me how he has no money at the end of the month to pay rent for instance. Whenever he complains about having to listen to me- he tells me that he does not even dare to say things to me, because I am so judgemental- so again I am taking advantage of him. 

    The bottom line, I am feeling less and less eager to ask him about anything at all, because I feel he either tells me how this is a big favor or he tells me how my request is violating his borders. 

    Thank you in advance for responding!

  • Merry Christmas! by: c ur self 7 years 11 months ago

    I just pulled up my history on this site and my first post was 2 years, and 8 months ago...WOW:)...I've been thinking that I should step away from the forum for a while...It's hard! :)...I've come to really depend on this site...It's been a great dose of reality,...But, on the other hand it can keep me a little to focused on the negatives....So after this post I am planning on pulling (will probably go read only a while, cold turkey may be to much:)..) back for a period of time....

    Several months ago I made a statement to my wife; it was something that I had just posted the day before, that I though was appropriate for what was happening in our communication at the time....And without blinking she said *"That was something you posted""* It wasn't a total shock that she had been reading my posts....To be totally honest, I feel her reading behind me on this forum is the greatest gift I could ever give her....It's not why I'm stepping away....It's just time, for me.....

    I really appreciate all of you that I call friends, and all the truth that has been spoken to me....

    I will just leave this one thought with you all.....Love ferociously!!!... While we are blessed with the gift of today!

    C

    2 Corinthians 4:11....

     

  • Right in front of me the whole time..... by: Zapp10 7 years 11 months ago

    Trying to put this succinctly because I am new to being hopeful about the marriage......but this time....this is ....different.

    Turning my focus to the "why" my H wouldn't accept the adhd diagnosis was something I chose . It did not make sense that he "kind of" could see it and then not. Sometimes we have to let things that don't make sense go and sometimes we dig and dig until China comes into view....and we are depleted, exhausted, confused, exasperated, frustrated......I think I held on because.....I questioned that I loved my H. HE questioned that. He DID that a lot throughout the marriage. And every time I would be STUNNED. He would state (kind of flatly demand) that he wanted my love and respect.This would often happen after a minor disagreement or fight. I found myself completely astonished that he didn't "see, feel, KNOW) I loved him. WHAT MORE could I do or not do? What was it going to take for him to feel loved?

    FAST Forward....43 years. That nagging feeling I had that Adhd was not the ONLY issue here. That something else was preventing him from seeing this...great......ONE more thing he wasn't "seeing"? WHAT wasn't I seeing? GIVE ME SOMETHING HERE LORD !!!!.....a hint, a clue.....

    and ...my daughter called. She had a thought(about our situation).....and that idea opened the door, just a crack for me to see something ......that had been right in front of me....ALL THESE YEARS......why did my H not "feel" I loved him?........because he COULD NOT receive it! He could not receive affection, warmth and all that goes with love. He couldn't equate......because he was raised with no affection, positive interaction and praise, validation. It was an emotionless upbringing except for anger, disappointment and indifference. THAT'S why he would say "I love you" rarely, not face to face(he would look down) and with no emotion. BUT...I KNEW he did....so I accepted HIS way even though something was "off".

    Look up) Childhood Emotional Neglect ( NOT abuse). Because I am aware of H's background ......it ALL came together.

    To say it reduced me to tears is an understatement. To say it took everything I had to go to my H and talk....also understatement. I now KNEW, THAT I KNEW,  what was behind his behavior that was awkward, off, ambivalent... even callous at times.

    I laid out to him, very carefully and briefly what I was seeing. I printed off a short excellent synapses of it and told him.....please do not respond now. Please give it thought. Take your time. Let me know what you think about this.

    He called me 2 days later to talk......we talked for 4 hours straight....(how is that possible with Adhd?) He seemed......relieved and was near tears more times than I EVER saw in our marriage. He said......"all these years I have wanted intimacy with you and I blamed you. I see now......you WERE being intimate...and I didn't KNOW it....it was strange....it's all so strange...but I see myself exactly as they have described. 

    The emotional lability issue with adhd is a biggie. It makes, to me, the other aspects of adhd insignificant and doable in the big picture of life. But EMOTION is SO HUGE with us humans..........history provides what happens to DENIED, STUFFED EMOTIONS. WE have all dealt with this ourselves. Expecting my H to "deal" with the emotional aspect of the adhd was going to be fruitless, confusing and disheartening for him and me......because there was a separate emotion issue underlying all along.

    This is just MY adhd journey,,,so far. It led to other roads to travel as part of the sojourn. I have "met" fantastic people with wit, humor, comfort, pain, eloquence and EXASPERATION.......all because of....love. 

    I dare.....to have hope again.......because this time........something is very very different.

    P.S. This is NOT a BLAME the parents issue. They cannot give what they do not have.....on the flip side .....I did ask my spouse if I could have a "heathen" moment and state....I KNEW IT! ITS BECAUSE OF YOUR PARENTS ALL ALONG!!!!!....and do you know....he smiled and said.......just once.....with everything you've got.

     

     

     

     

     

  • Please - any experience of this? by: oldgoose 7 years 11 months ago

    My husband and I don't go out very much. Luckily we are both home-bodies and he enjoys going to his football and I have friends that I get together with and a craft class that I enjoy. I know from experience that we rarely have a night out together that is not ruined, usually by his unwillingness to get anywhere on time or his sulkiness once he is there.

    However yesterday we had been invited out to lunch by my old school friend and her husband. We have been to their house in the past,but only in a party situation so the four of us have never socialised on our own before. We were having a nice time and a good laugh when the subject arose about finding hair in your food. I have a thyroid condition and therefore lose hair on a daily basis, but I do manage to control things by staying vigilant . My husband suddenly piped up " Don't have food at our house then. She loses her hair in the food all the time".

    I felt so shamed and embarrassed and we managed to laugh it off. Later on the subject turned to women having affairs and my husband leaned toward my friends husband and said "I wouldn't care if she wanted to get herself another man, I'd gladly introduce her to someone". Once again I felt shamed and embarrassed.  

    The bad thing is that he only ever says things like this about ME. He will tease his adult children (we are both in 2nd time relationship) but would never say things like that.

    Does anyone else recognise this and how do you deal with it?

     

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