Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • "Do What Makes You Happy".... by: SpaceyStacey197... 8 years 4 weeks ago

    In another topic, this sentence came up as a motto used by those who would rather focus on the "fun" in life while ignoring the responsibilities in life.   It seems to really be the theme of the last couple of generations.  That "come what may, make yourself happy" shit getting fed to us by movies and TV shows by people whose wealth and narcisism completely removes them from the reality of 99% of our lives.  I get wanting to be happy, and everyone should persue it, but that motto and phrase seems to be used by the people who use it as an excuse to trample all over others, and put themselves and their "feeling" above those around them. 

     

    For instance, my husband wants to "do what makes him happy" and his "friends" encourage him in this.  But what they dont see is that he doesnt hold up his end of the responsibilities of the home, he doesnt pull his own weight in our household, and certainly not in our relationship (how can he when his focus is "his happiness").  It really burns me up!  I certainly have NO PROBLEM with anyone persuing - until it means they have to rely on others to make it happen and/or it takes from and harms others to get it.   My husband has no problem breaking his own word, a HUGE character fault if ever there was one, just to get what will make him happy in the moment.  And while right now that means he would rather divorce me, and move out just to play his video games and not have to worry about controlling his habbit - in the future would that mean cheating on me with someone else because "it made him happy at the moment"?  These are thoughts that actually have run through  my head for years.  I suppose I should be grateful that I dont have to worry about it anymore.

     

    But that phrase... man it just irks me right now.  He used me up to get "what would make him happy" with out ever even considering doing anything at all to bring  ME happiness.  Selfish.  Incondsiderate.  That whole phrase is just horrible to me right now.

     

    People like my husband and other who have his issues seem to not make the connection that happiness  - real, solid happiness comes from accomplishment with ones self.  Not with what someone has, or what level of game they are at.  And when your accomplishments are built on others being hurt, or broken promises, or theft of resources (by actual theft or just not contributing their part) then no true happiness can be had.  And All I can hear in my head is people telling him "well you gotta do what makes you happy".  Dont worry about not supporting your daughter, dont worry about not even trying to save your marriage - because hell, its only your WIFE, those promises dont matter if you arent in the mood to keep them.  Just do what makes you happy... and if that means betraying those you say you love - who cares!  Its all about that immediate happiness RIGHT NOW that matters.  And when you feel like shit after a while when that gratification wears away, just find something else fast that can replace it.

     

    To me - it seems this is an excuse utilized all the time to justify bad, cruel, manipulative and unfair behavior to others by people.  And it seems (in my experience) using ADHD as the excuse to justify it and be OK with it.

  • ADHD and dysfunctional coping by: BBH1965 8 years 1 month ago

    Hi everyone - I have been reading blogs and forum on this site for some time and find it really helpful.  I've been married to my husband for 15 years.  7 years into the marriage he was diagnosed with ADHD while in counseling for

    an affair I discovered.  It wasn't a great time in our lives.  He's been on medication since but stopped counseling about 1 year after diagnosis.  We have a 10 year old son who was diagnosed with ADHD 3 years ago by his school.  My husband

    and son are both on the same meds.  Our son is struggling in school, our marriage is on the rocks and along the way somewhere during the years, my drinking developed from a way to deal with the stress to a real problem.  I am starting therapy with 

    a recovery specialist this week as I know I need to be in recovery to make good life decisions.  

     

    My husband dislikes any type of counseling and feels that being on meds is sufficient.  Trust me that it's not in the slightest way enough.  I am also going to start my son back into ADHD counseling his school initially referred.  I'm feeling overwhelmed

    and just wondering if anyone has overcome a drinking or other compulsive coping problem.  I don't blame my husband for my drinking - that's my responsibility.  But I feel I need a lot of support at this time because he's always put our son first over 

    our relationship.  He recently told me so flatly.  That's when I had the wake up call to get sober and figure out how I want to live the rest of my life - and what type of marriage I want  to see my son model.  And this is not a good example for him.

    My husband treats our son more like a friend than being a father - compulsively gaming with him - including driving while playing Pokemon Go (their new game).  My husband is constantly late for everything, frequently haa

    anger issues (both directed at me and my son) that erupt out of nowhere, can't financially manage himself (so I pay and manage the household bills), and has no desire to plan for a future.  He is content to live day to day.  Forgget

    about retirement.  

     

    Thank you for any input.  

  • Focused on himself by: Neckbone 8 years 1 month ago

    I write this out of frustration like so many others.  I am mentally exhausted from feeling like my significant other doesn't care about my feelings, concerns, stories, hurts, you name it.  We have been in a long distance relationship for over 5 years.  Over the phone this morning, I begin to tell him about a weird dream I had. The dream stemmed from anxiety I've been having over his lack of attentiveness and availability to me.  It was a dream about a shoe and when I lifted the tongue of the shoe, I could magically see he was exchanging texts and emails with others about naked women and scantily clad women.  His response: I like scantily clad women.  Then he goes on to talk about how busy he is and how he is trying to get things done to his house over the weekend because there's no time during the week and how sore he is from working and how his muscles need time to heal.  So, I try to circle back to my anxiety and he tells me I need to tough it out and moves on to another topic of his choice.  I try again to bring up my anxiety and he says he doesn't know what to tell me and then again says, 'I need apples to juice this morning and need to go out to the garden for some Swiss chard'.  At this point I am getting pretty frustrated.  I am quiet for awhile and then say, before the kids wake up I need us to talk.  I tell him I am frustrated and need someone to talk to and I'm not sure how much more I can take.  Nothing.  Silence.  I ask him what he's doing and he says, 'about to watch a Trump video'.  I call him out on it and he proceeds to tell me how he doesn't have time to talk because he has a TON of house work to do and reminds me he only has 2 days to do it in over the weekend.  I point out his choice to go hunting the day before and if he had that much work around the house to do, then maybe he should have stayed home. Get this. He actually said the day before doesn't count and that only today does.  But, you said you only have 2 days, is my response.  Yea, so what, is his response. THIS is everyday. THIS is our relationship.  I've recently lost 41 lbs. I'm very happy and proud.  Here's our conversation:  'I'm down into a new weight range now and I've lost a total of 41 lbs'.  He says, 'that's great, you're doing really great.  I weighed in at such and such and well, I need to quit snacking so much and start walking like I used to to get my blood pressure down.  It's just (still him talking here) hard since I work so much and when I get home I don't have time to do much of anything else.  I think Randy is coming over this weekend (still him talking) and the guys will be here ready to go hunting...And it goes on, and on, and on.  I tell him a story and he, in so many words, says 'and, now back to me'.  He contradicts himself all the time.  I really am super frustrated and need a place to vent.  Thanks for 'listening'. 

  • his talking exhausts me by: inthedark 8 years 1 month ago

    how should I deal with this? should I ask him to stop talking when I can't listen anymore? we don't live together and I feel guilty for being glad we don't!  he blurted out something inappropriate and I told him he had no filter, he didn't respond but didn't seem to mind me saying it. 

  • Today is my 5th wedding anniversary. by: SpaceyStacey197... 8 years 1 month ago

    And again - for the 3rd year in a row... nothing.  He cares about the foot ball game, he cares about movie trailers.

     

    I guess I should be glad - it will be the last anniversary.  The last day that I hope that he will remember, the last day I will have to pretend I am ok as the day goes by - forgotten again.  Wish I could forget.  Then maybe it would not hurt so much when he does forget. 

  • Incredulous by: I'm So Exhausted 8 years 1 month ago

    My spouse went to his doctor's office to pick up a prescription refill script for his ADHD meds, and was instead handed a specimen cup.

    Seems he now has to prove his medication is in his system before they will refill it.

    What?

    Yep. It's real. I cannot think of enough words to describe how this makes me feel. Let's start with incredulous.

     

    Shared with sheer frustration,

    Liz  

  • Gender by: inthedark 8 years 1 month ago

    was wondering do more men have ADHD than women and why?

  • "Hot and Bothered".......What Bothers You? by: kellyj 8 years 1 month ago

    This is just a quick post and more of an observation.  You can treat the question of what bothers you as a rhetorical one which is mainly why I put that out there but....if you want to say what bothers you....this would be a good place to state it.  Into the context that I'm thinking about this....I noticed (now with a new set of eyes ) that my wife and I are different even though ADHD is the common thread.  Many things bother her in a general way and when she bothered...she has anxiety.  And because she has so many things that bother her...she has a lot more anxiety than I do.  And along with that anxiety...she gets depressed.  And along with the depression....she gets "disparagingly unhappy".

    To say I'm not bothered by things is not accurate.  When things bother me....the same thing happens as my wife in the same order.  But compared to my wife....I have a fraction of the things that bother me compared to her and this is where I see a huge difference between us.  When she gets depressed and disparagingly unhappy....she gets cranky.  And when she gets cranky...she becomes reactive.  And when she becomes reactive...she lashes out in anger and erupts or can't hold her mud and this is really a problem?  Not so much for her...she's got all that other stuff getting in the way and she's focused....all the way back to what bothers her and being reactive and lashing out in anger is the least thing on her mind?

    But on top of the list...of things that bother and me and like I said....my list is pretty short and I don't let too many things bother me normally.  But #1 on the list of things that bother me?  Are people who are bothered by a lot of things but especially....people who react and lash out in anger! LOL  That's really the biggest thing that bothers me most of all...which is why my wife and I get to this place so often but I am so aware of this now and have been working on this for so long....that even that....doesn't bother me...nearly as much as if did before.  I've had a lot of practice as of late with my wife...and so that "electric shock" thing due to my PTSD from this in the past...is slowly dissipating and I am becoming desensitized to this now.  WHEW!!!!  What a load off!  That was killing me there for a while and as of just last night....I realized that this wasn't happening any more to that level?  Now that I know what that is....it doesn't bother me nearly as much anymore in a very healthy and good way.  More like an annoying "joy buzzer" party favor that someone has in the palm of their hand as a joke...that's not so funny. lol

    Annoying is good.....electrocuted is bad! lol

    One more things as far as what I have really observed in the male ...female...shame thing and the differences there?  The reason...I believe....that I am not bothered nearly as much about things like a neat and tidy house ( to extreme sometimes with my wife ) is what my ex wife said a long time ago when she was complaining and pleading with me to do something about my messy habits.  As she put it....." If someone comes over to the house to visit...and see's the mess that here from you.....they'll think I'm a poor housekeeper and they won't think anything like that of you.  That's the first they'll think if someone were to just drop in....that I'm a poor housekeeper...not you."

    I guess...this is that female shame thing talking right there. mmmmm??  Shame, low self esteem......"you're a bad housekeeper".  That would add up to being bothered a lot?  In the same vane...if one of my male friends stopped by.....they'd go  "do you have any beer..;I could use a cold one right now?"  They've known me all my life and the only comment they might make right now is....."hey, the house is looking neater than usually?  Are you having company or is something wrong with you." LOL  No shame....they know me too well and have accepted that a long long time ago....like when I was a teenager.  Anything different would me....something wrong? lol

    Male and female shame is different...and I'm noticing all the ways that's connected directly to what bothers my wife the most and that's a pretty long list...let me tell you?

    What I've done subconsciously now that I think about it.  Is not worry about things too much and not let what others think of me...worry me?

    And if I don't worry.  I'm not bothered.  And if I'm not bothered....I don't stress.  And when I don't stress...I don't have anxiety.  And when I don't have anxiety....I don;'t get depressed.  And when I'm not depressed.....I'm happy.

    If that's the key to happiness....I need to find a way to bottle it.  I'd make a million!!!   Wait a minute....what was that song?  "Don't worry....be happy"  Damn....someone beat me too it!! LOL

    OMG....I just had a flash back.  Remember the commercial ( long ago if you're old enough )....When a woman comes to the door and lets her two "snarky" friends inside and right when the one walks in she goes......"Fried Fish last night?"  

    No wonder I wanted to smack her! sheese! With friends like those....who needs enemies?

    J

  • "Normalizing" Partner's Behavior: Good or Not Good? by: PoisonIvy 8 years 1 month ago

    As I see my children deal with certain struggles as young adults, I question whether it was a good idea for me and my husband to attempt to minimize the effects of (and thus "normalize") things such as his extended unemployment.  I didn't think arguing was a good idea, but maybe that would have been better than allowing the issues to be buried (for the most part) but not resolved.  My daughters have issues with insecurity, perfectionism, and trusting men, and it seems to me that some of their issues might derive from, for lack of a better term, lack of a strong father figure.  Your thoughts?( I made mistakes, too, as do we all, but I generally made strong attempts to right my wrongs, so please spare me the "we always hear about your husband's faults but not yours, Rosered" comments.)  

  • Just tired of it. Thats all. by: SpaceyStacey197... 8 years 1 month ago

    I am tired of it all.    We used to have a long thread here where you could just post your vent of the moment.  So I am doing that here.

     

    I am so sick and tired of an addiction that keeps coming back and reminding me that I will *NEVER* matter as much as a game.  EVER.  I am looking forward to when things are just finished.  At least then I can move on and start to heal my broken heart.  Sounds like a stupid country song.   I am tired of being the only one who gives a damn.  I am tired of being the only one working hard at the commitment made.  I am tired of the fakeness, the lies, the deceit that comes with someone who is just pretending until some future date they have in their head.

     

    Whatever.  I guess I am just tired of not mattering to the one who I should matter most too.  I am tired of the love and care that I give never being returned.

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