Greetings all; I have lurked on this forum for quite a while reading other members posts/responses and infomation. What speared me into making an account and posting was just another run of the mill 'common' issue most everyone here faces. I come home from work and find the door to the house open and all the trash piled up next to the door (but ripped open and thrown all over the house because of the dog) because she did not remember to take it out, yet had to step over it to leave I guess... Instead of just complaining, I want to write, I guess a letter or something to express what im currently/have been feeling/facing. ----- To my fiance; I try to be supportive, I really do. But, after so much of the same issues re-appearing and re-appearing I just get tired. I get tired of saying the same things, tired of dealing with the same issues, tired of explaining the same things; most of all I get tired of hearing things, but seeing no attempt to correct the issues or even address them. I am so, so tired. I am tired of being the only one who works in our household, yet one of the conditions of us moving in (and me moving to another state for you) would be at least an attempt to make income to help US yet you are not, have not even looked for 7 months, yet you complain because we dont have nice things. I am tired of having to always lower my expectations of you. I am tired of having to even give you expectations. We should be a team, yet Ive come to treat you more like a child. I am tired of having no sex drive. I am tired of reducing my hope on a day to day bases to: "Just please dont make anything worse" I am tired of having to keep 100 percent control of the fiances, as the one month you did we ended up with 800 dollars worth of house plants. I am tired of having to maintain an entire household by my self and worst of all, not be able to communicate about the issues I am facing because you truelly cant relate. I am tired of saying all the above before yet you not taking even the slightest attempt to correct the behavior. (Even booked a tele appointment with your doctor and myself and you to go over medication management and techniques, but you forgot to turn your phone on and then took a two hour shower.) Im tired of the fact you can dedicate yourself for 5 hours non-stop to a random task like drawing but cant seem to be able to complete simple daily tasks. I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of having to justify the good things vs the bad things in our relationship. And I am tired of not feeling the same way about you as I used to, even though I try.
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- An Open Letter to My Fiance by: bdrew6 8 years 3 months ago
- Living in the Moment, in the NOW by: SpaceyStacey197... 8 years 3 months ago
So - one of the things I am seeing is those with ADHD/ADD do tend to live in the moment, hard core in the present - never mind future or past, just right here right now. I do think this can be a great thing, its good for getting past hardship, moving past an argument, a great coping mechanism in a lot of ways. But where the problem comes in, is that not only (in *my* experience) does that ADHD person live in the present, they live in their "feelings" that are "right now" as well. This is a VERY dangerous thing to do, and its very destabilizing of any relationship you can ever build. I dont know if others have noticed this or not. I suspect yes.
Lately I have really been working on myself and doing a lot of soul searching on what I need to do for myself to keep myself from drowning in the constant frustration, fear and sorrow that has defined me for so long now. And what i really noticed is that I had made a common mistake among those of us who are NOT ADHD, but who are married to ADHD spouses. I thought I was on equal ground with my husband. I put my trust and faith in HIS trust and faith. Make sense? Because I had faith and believed in our marriage, I didnt let my current emotion of the moment (anger, fear, happiness, etc) determine the fate that I expected for our marriage. If I was angry and frustrated with him - that didnt mean I would leave him just because I "felt" it at the moment. I dont think ADHD people can do that very well or at all (or maybe some can? I hate to generalize, but seems that so many of our spouses cannot seem to think "outside the mood").
My husband has point blank told me that he doesnt know if he wants to be married. Ok. I can accept that. And then when I point out that the week before he seemed happy and content and even loving towards me - he tells me its because he was in a good mood. He also has a habit of leaving at any sign of trouble.
He doesn't know if he wants to be married because he only wants to be married when he is in a good mood, and when he isnt and things are bothering him - he doesnt because he cant see past those troubles. And what I see from my own perspective, and from what i can pick up here from others in my same boat is - we struggle DAILY with someone whose actions are based strictly on the current emotional state and the narcisistic traits of only worrying about what will make them directly happy at that moment (regardless of furture impact or outcome) - but we see past that current emotion because we *know* emotions are as changing as the winds. We take it for what it is, put our faith and trust into the commitments we have made and work to make changes to make things better. HOW can this ever work if only 1 partner puts there faith and trust into something and the other parnter - its all based on a whim of the moment? There is no ability to build on that, or have any trust.
He also thinks that his life is being controlled right now. By what I have no idea, I suspect he thinks *I* am doing the controlling because I refuse to just be ok with what ever he wants at all times. (like chronic lying to me, spending more money than we should as we claw our way out of debt etc). But - that's not controlling someone - asking them to be truthfull and not pretending they are when they arent.
Controlling someone is the threat of leaving them if they arent happy - which is EXACTLY what he has done to me for 7 years. And let me tell you - that was like the lights turned on in my head when I saw this for what it was. HE has controlled me for years with his threads of leaving every time we have a discussion. Every time something comes up that is a problem,I have to suck it up because out the door he goes. NOT ANY MORE though. He wants to leave, he is more than welcome to. I love him, but I will not allow him to make me the cause of his unhappiness. He has many issues beyond the ADHD to work out that contribute to this - I understand that. I have supported him, and given him every tool and access to support that he could ever need - but I cant and wont force him to use it.
I am rambling, and really just trying to put my thoughts into words and hoping that others might be able to fill in some of the blanks or put it better than me.
I get wanting to make sure your house can handle a storm, that's why you work to prep it and make it strong, you fix the weak spots and strengthen the foundation. It doesn't mean you just burn it down because one day a tornado *might* destroy it.
- Shoutout to those who put in the work, love to the spouse who suffer when they don't. by: SpaceyStacey197... 8 years 3 months ago
I know that the very brave adhd folks who come to the anger forum sometimes get exposed to the raw side of our nonadhd pain. You are brave for doing that, but it shows hope that there are some of you who take the time to actually care. To those of you who work on your adhd related issues... THANKYOU from the bottom of my heart. It's a long road but you have guts and honesty to do it. Your spouses are very fortunate indeed.
to those spouses who, like me, love their adhd spouse but are left holding the bag... I love you all and you are not alone. I am working hard to rebuild my life and leave the anger and hurt behind me. I know you guys are in various places in this journey from just taking the first steps, to jumping off this road for better ground. You have all helped me so much through my own journey, helped me see my own issues and find my own strengths.
Just wanted to say THANKYOU since appreciation and care is so rarely felt by most of us. <3
- Just tired by: waldewin 8 years 3 months ago Me and my boyfriend have been together for four years. This has been extremely difficult time for numerous reasons. I have been in therapy for all these years and my boyfriend has been quite supportive. He has also pointed me to some of my issues which I need to solve. At some point I am however feeling that he has taken the liberty of just pointing out whatever is wrong with me and suggest that I change my behavior. Because of his ADHD he has a lot of micromanaging habits which get challenged when living together with someone. His most obvious solution to all these problems is that I change my behavior. We are not talking about small behavioral changes here, but he wants me to become more attentive to my surroundings (I have always been a dreamer). I am also not super observant and practical and these issues have been really problematic for him. I have tried hard to become more organized, because again I cannot hope that this role will be fulfilled by my boyfriend. For a person that is not naturally organized it is quite a challenge. I learned to manage my own money, but as I have understood my boyfriend wants me to also manage his. He also does not want to or cannot plan things, so all the future planning is left to me. He keeps saying that our relationship is not at the point where we can have children. I think it is because we have the not so neat combination of people partering up who both struggle with everyday practicalities. However, the last comment he made was that we are not ready because I have emotional issues. This was when I told him how sad I am whenever someone else gets to know that they are going to have children. He has also told me that I only want to have a family because of my own complexes and that children cannot fill the void inside of me. I feel that every action and wish of mine is question and his go-to response is that this is something that I have to work with in my therapy. Things have progressed that far that most of our conversations circle around my therapy- what else I should do, what problems I have etc. I have really no idea how to break this circle. I admit, for quite some time I was pretty focused on my therapy, because I had some really though childhood issues to solve. I am now slowly coming out of my therapy, but I feel that my boyfriend has gotten all to used to the fact that every problem we have can just be solved by me changing myself. He has been shortly in therapy and in ADHD group, but I feel that there are some more problems in his behavior. He for instance often times makes plans without including me and without informing me about his plans (like he bought plain tickets for himself for the vacation without confirming with me). In the past he has also come at home at random times (the latest being at three am), missed our appointments, not to mention his financial problems which are still pretty acute. When I tried to talk about these issues he indicated that in fact I had a problem and that I should work on these things in my therapy. I think I have gotten him to confront at least some of his issues, but at this point I just feel I am soo tired. I have lost all my wish to spend my free time together with him, because in many occasions when we do something together he just finds some behavior of mine intolerable. For instance he did not like when I did not look at him while I was talking to him and made a scene about it. He did not like that I did not notice small details when we were walking together and insisted that this is because I am actually not interested in the surroundings. He cannot watch TV with me because I am once in a while going and making tea for myself, which for him means that I am not enjoying the show we are watching. I feel that every activity of mine is under the radar and he is just never satisfied. He will always find some new thing which he then suggests me to change. Why does he do this? Are my habits and my personality really so annoying? How much should I accommodate for him? I feel I am really loosing my patience and also that this relationship is much more work these days than fun. I just feel like I have ended up in a relationship where I am constantly patient that needs to engage in self-development.
- Is this relationship doomed from the start? (VENTING) by: sensativa 8 years 3 months ago
Hello. Please bear with me, as I'm afraid this will turn into a pretty long post. I just feel like I need some advice and feedback on a few things.
I'm a 22-year old female with Aspergers syndrome who's engaged to a 21-year old guy with an Aspergers/ADHD combination. We've been in a relationship for almost four years and engaged for almost two years, and we are soon planning on moving in together in the near future.
But some things are really bothering me and making me question how the future will be, and I almost feel like I want to quit at times.
I'm only a year older than my fiancé, but it sometimes feel like he's at least 10 years younger than me. Sometimes he answers my questions and requests for things, only to claim I never said those things or that he never gave an answer to them literally 10 seconds later. Or he just gives a random answer, like "yeah", "yes" and "I agree" and don't understand why I get so upset that he never listened ONCE to the 30-minute long conversation I had with him that he seemed to give legit answers to. (Because sometimes he actually DOES listen and say those things anyway, and seems to have listened, so half of the time I don't even KNOW if he hears me or not).
Then, when I try to understand and ask why he did that, that he could just tell me if he doesn't want to talk and I'd understand if he didn't, he gets really defensive and claims I'm "just causing drama out of nothing" and refuses to talk about it. And gets really angry. Either he leaves or acts like a brick wall for several hours, leaving me frustrated and incredibly hurt. We never seem to be able to solve things like adults.
When we first got together as boyfriend and girlfriend, his parents defended him a lot. If he hurt me and I tried to tell him off, he immediately ran to his parents (presumably telling them what "horrible" things I told him) and they came up to us and talked to me how I should respect HIM more and how I don't understand his needs (despite the fact I have Aspergers myself and we have very similar "problems"). Despite the fact I'M the one trying to talk to him, but he just keeps leaving or pretending to be a brick wall for hours on end. His parents have, however, apologized for this behaviour and are not "butting in" on our arguments anymore. They claimed they did this because they have "babied" him too much in the past, and that's something both them and I agree on nowadays. They are trying to make it better, but it's proving (not suprisingly) to be a bit too late, as he's a grown man who should have learned these things WAY sooner. We have a better relationship now, but... there were things that they said and did that I'll probably never, ever forget or completely forgive that hurt me so badly that I wanted to kill myself for a while.
Now, my fiancé has grown up A LOT since then, but the aforementioned "random answers" and "not paying attention" is still a big issue to this day. And the complete denial of any wrongdoing or the claim "I'm not mad" while signaling pretty clearly (with the threat or execution of leaving me and the "brick wall" act, among other immature behaviors) takes a HUGE toll on me at times, as I'm trying to cope with my own struggles (social anxiety and major depression).
I feel like I'M the bad person in everything, as he keeps saying I'M the one who causes drama and I'M the one who asks too much of him. That I'M the one who never wants to solve things or make any effort.
I don't want to feel like I completely f****d myself over and chose a life of submission or being a complete witch towards him, but this is starting to feel really frustrating and depressing. Sometimes it feels like something not worth fighting for, because no matter how hard I try, no matter how many solutions or compromises I've tried to make, it doesn't seem to be helping at all.
My anxiety and depression has been sky-rocketing from all of these same, monotonous arguments we always have. And from the constant feeling that I'm the bad guy in everything going on.
It feels like it was doomed from the start, and maybe I'm the only one who hasn't seen it yet and is in complete denial.
Thanks for reading.
- Tell a New Story by: jennalemone 8 years 3 months ago
What’s your current story, and how does it make you feel? If it doesn’t make you feel good when you tell it, then stop telling it. Instead, tell a story that makes you feel inspired and positive. Maybe you haven’t found your calling yet and feel as if every day is ground hog day. You can change that.......The Tiny Budha online
I am trying to be positive so I will start with doing this thing suggested on a path to happiness....tell a new story. I will try to tell it without marginalizing or fabricating a false reality. Here goes. I am so lucky to have been born in a country with freedom and economic and health and education resources of which I have taken advantage. I am so fortunate to have had a life of normality of health, family, culture. I have had many friends along the way. I have traveled a bit and got myself an education and live comfortably. I have the internet, a car, a home, children, a church full of honest and helpful people. I have AC in the summer and heating in the winter. I have sight, hearing and the ability to walk...even run and swim. I live in the beautiful part of the country where I look out the windows and see beauty. My husband of 40 years has been healthy also.
I live in the year 2016 where women can, with some work on their parts, have power over their own lives. There are some people who give a woman some credit if she is strong and has the integrity to listen to her own heart. I am able to listen to my own heart and my heart is telling me to START shining rather than to keep small and humble. My heart is telling me that I am LOVED by Life and that I can permit my inner child to experience and enjoy the beauty that is inside of me.
My new story is that I am ALIVE and kicking. I have spent my adult life being responsible. I paid my dues to my family (and had obeyed my childhood Sunday School lessons to a fault). My heart is telling me that God does not want me to keep small or sad or servile, but to live and call attention to the wonders of this world and let people know me...to let ME know me. I am an artist and a writer. See me. Hear me.
- Is it the Vyvanse? by: Weigh2late 8 years 3 months ago
My husband finally agreed to try an ADHD medicine after receiving full evaluation and diagnosis for his ADHD. Our son had been diagnosed and treated for several years before he, my spouse, finally agreed that he needed to address his own ADHD symptoms. Another forced job resignation finally moved him to a place of openness about diagnosis. He decided to try Vyvanse since our son was trying it at the same time. Unfortunately after a short trial, we ended up removing our son from it since it basically turned him into a mean, ugly monster with fowl language and total disregard for treating others with respect. It only exacerbated his impulsivity and made him quite irritable in the evenings when it waned from his system. Despite this decision, my husband now refuses to try something different, says he's seeing great improvement at work (at his new job) and "doesn't want to remove his glasses."
I am all for treating ADHD with both medicine and behavioral/therapeutic changes but things have been so bad at our house lately that I am at the point of saying, "Let's go back to the way it was" before Vyvanse. My husband is irritable - all the time, is defensive, (every word that comes out of my mouth is taken as an accusation), and indeed even combative when he is on Vyvanse. To me it seems all the time, not just when the drug is waning at the end of the day. He insists that it is not the Vyvanse and that is it all me, that I need to change. He has even said this to our therapist in our therapy sessions. He is stuck in a place of anger that he just cannot get out of. At the moment he is saying that he will maybe try another drug when he can get into see our family doctor, about 8 weeks from now (maybe sooner, only if an appointment opens up and my husband can fit it into his schedule). He says he doesn't trust anyone else to help him make a decision on a different medicine. He also has said that he really doesn't think it is the Vyvanse so that could also be the reason for his lackluster attitude on making a change.
I need to know how disruptive I need to be. If there wasn't new medicine on board and he was acting this way I suppose I would take the kids and leave, or ask him to. I feel that by considering it as a medicine issue, I'm at least giving him the benefit of the doubt. This type of behavior without medicine would be absolutely unacceptable and unsafe for my family. There are many, many other issues that we need to work out as part of our healing and repairing our relationship after finally getting diagnosis and treatment. And I know that old habits / patterns put into place in order to survive with a spouse with undiagnosed / untreated ADHD for 22 years are hard to break. We need to work on all those things, but what do I do if we can't even get off of square one and move past this issue which is making all other issues ten times worse? I do also know that the "fog" of ADHD is a symptom and that the ADHD spouse cannot see the issues when they are not properly treated. But it is as if the Vyvanse is only making that fog more dense, the exact opposite of what it is supposed to do. His word- impulsivity is worse, his impatience exacerbated, his irritability off the charts, and his defensiveness off the hook. What can I do as a spouse to let his doctor know this is going on, what are the privacy issues and ways around them? His doctor is extremely difficult to get in to see as I mentioned above- way too overbooked with patients. Any thoughts, ideas, comments are welcome. And, I guess if its not the Vyvanse then I really do need to make plans to get out of my situation...
- Feeling disrespected by: Juliess 8 years 3 months ago
My partner and I have been together for 4 years. We recently bought a house together. He told me when we met that he was depressed...but I've seen him joyous so many times! And I knew he was a slob and a procrastinator-- I thought typically male. He was the first non-outgoing type I'd ever been with; he was quiet and shy and did sometimes disagree with a topic (which meant that was it, no conversation or give and take, no stimulating intellectual jousts). I found the latter odd along with a couple of other things: he asked me not to make him dinner or give him presents because those things "hurt" him and he "didn't deserve" them. He refused to celebrate holidays (important to me because I didn't get to as a kid) especially Valentine's Day. One year he did it: he ordered dinner and wrote me a song---and then at the end of the night asked if he'd ever have to do that again (ruining the couple of hours of joy he'd just given me). He seemed to lack an ability to empathize--sometimes was incredibly sympathetic, but sometimes he seemed to be incapable of it (eg: broke my ankle playing roller derby, he was one of the refs, came over not to check on me or take me to the hospital but to tell me to move over because I was too close to the track). But then he was sweet and nice and smart and wonderful too, and I weighed these things and decided I could live with 'quirky' for this man I loved. I should tell you he did tell me he had severe adhd as a child, but I didn't know what that meant or that it still affected him. Then we moved, our dogs (basically our kids) got old and sick and the shit hit the fan. I discovered that this brilliant computer programmer literally could not help get the house, move into it, or help with the household in any way. He had no idea how to take out the trash, and would get mad If I tried to show him. He would say he was going to take a dog to the doctor and simply forget, no matter how many signs, texts, notes, calendars I tried. I had to hire and supervise every contractor, and then he would come over and tell me I picked the wrong tile. I thought I had gotten into bed with this smart, capable but quirky nerd but he was actually lacking all common sense. He never asks about me, and if I talk it is "unnecessary venting" that he is willing to put up with if he must.if I do say something (eg: "man, it's hot today") no matter what I've said I've actually said a passive agressive thing about him (I actually meant "it's so hot why did you wait till this point to work on the garden"). I am incredibly straight forward and emotional--if I'm mad about something he will know immediately--so this word twisting is so absurd. But it hurts me to think of all the assumptions he could make, he assumes th worst of me every time. I wonder if he thought these things the whole time we've been together but only now is sharing them. He's agreed to take meds "on weekends" and to try to find a coach--our attempts at couples therapy didn't work because each therapist was trying to understand our issues as normal husband wife issues and we didn't fix the box they kept putting us in. He does not believe he is twisting my words though and no matter what insists that I spend all day attacking him. I love him and really am willing to work if it is salvageable, but I worry: will I always feel like his mother? Will he never be able to help around the house? Will he always project his feelings of self loathing onto me? Will we always have to do only hobbies he enjoys? Will we never be able to have deep intellectual conversations? Will he always be this selfish? There have been days sprinkled here and there where he basically treated me like a princess--it's almost like there are 2 different people in there. I guess what I want to know is, if we work on this as hard as we can, what might change and what never will? I need to make a decision here and I just want to have all the cold hard thruths laid out for me. This is one of the most important decisions that I've ever made and I just want some idea of what I'm getting into and I feel totally adrift at sea with no moorings in sight.
- Why by: kellyj 8 years 3 months ago
"Why" for me seems to mean everything for me. It almost seems as if...it is the foundation from which I know anything: what to do, why to do it, how to do it, and when to do it and where to do it. It's almost as if.... If I can't can't understand why...then it seems I can't understand anything? It just seems that way to me but I also know that's not always true...as I'm saying it. Getting past the why for me at times....seems to be the biggest challenge I have to getting past most of the obstacles I've faced in dealing with this "why" issue I have. Why, why, why!!!! I need to know why!!! lol
And if I don't know.....it bugs the crap out of me!!! lol Why is that? I have learned however....to let this go too. (but it never really goes away either even if I let it go for now. I just know now....that it will be waiting for me later. So letting it go really....is just postponing the inevitable...for when ever that happens and not really letting it go of it completely.) As long as I don't worry....I won't think about it even if I still want to know? That's the real test for me...if whether I've let it go or not (for now lol )
I may have included my favorite "why" story here before...but it's buried somewhere (thinking?).. and I think this is a really good one ad worth mentioning again because this is one that my wife really related to and remembered. I can't remember specifically the person who told this story....but it was from a psychologist who was recalling this story from what a client had told him. That's all I remember about that only....this was a true story and not some fable or fictional tale. As it was told.
This man, was having a great deal of trouble with his wife in that she was very fixated with doing things a certain way. He had learned not to bring things up with her since it only caused problems whenever he did since she got very defensive if he questioned her. (that would be soooo me, which is why I like this story)
Anyway....his wife had this thing about cutting the ends off a ham before she prepared it to put in the oven. He noticed this...and finally asked her "why" she cut the ends off the Ham. Apparently, she didn't have an exact answer other than this was the way her mother did it. Knowing better not to push for an explanation that she didn't have.....the man had a chance one time with her mother in private to ask about this? Her answer was...."this was the way my mother did it...so I always did that too?" But she did say if I recall, that she really didn't know why her mother did it that way?
So now, since the moms mom (the grandmother) was still alive at the time. The man got the chance to finally go right to the source and ask the horse.....why? The answer? Apparently, the Grandmother only had one size pan to cook with and she had to cut the ends off the ham to get it in the pan. That's it. That's the only reason why?
And two generations later.....this is the way, that ham is done and yet no one ever asked why or questioned the reasons for it?
I've used this story to reference a lot of things or topics with my wife who really like this story when I told her. Anytime I've used it with her....it's always a successful interaction and she has even used it with me to do the same when ever there seems to be something that we are not understanding or agreement on in order to get us both on the same page. It seems to be a story that my wife can relate to in the same way I can and that right there is a good place to start when ever we start missing each other or unable to explain things sometimes. For that reason alone....I thought it was worth bringing up again.
- If I had know then what I know now by: jennalemone 8 years 3 months ago
What was my role?
I played the emotional patsy, the lonely child, the reproaching parent (to him), the desperate powerless woman. He played the naughty, willful child, the playboy, the salesman, the clown, the Devil May Care imp, light relief, the rebel, the entitled man.
I cried, I shouted, I tried for meaningful conversations. He left the room. He verbally attacked. He was mute holding court of his entitlement he gave himself because he WON the battles. I was like a tiny country crying, "No Fair", he brushed my needs aside and laughed.
I set myself up for the roles I played. I grudgingly cleaned up after him. I kept his secrets even harder than he did. I fussed about making interesting, delicious meals and nice home and children (this is the legacy of my own mother). I took over the bill paying when he couldn't/didn't do it. I played the willing/able catch-all/ do-all. I did not know how to play the games of control that H was playing all along. He was playing to WIN against me.
If I had known then what I know now:
I would have packed up and moved the FIRST time he didn't come home at night after a night of drinking, realizing that the my financial dire circumstances would last for a while but not for a lifetime - unless I did nothing.
I would have broadcasted to family and friends EXACTLY what happened and found some support from them - moral and financial.
I would have looked past the fun smile and joking ways and promises and excuses. I would have not believed lies but rather watched his ACTIONS toward me to know the truth of his heart.
I would have gone to a marriage counselor BEFORE marriage and put in WRITING those promises and how they would be carried out and what the consequences were if not carried through or re-negotiated.
I would not have BELIEVED that love conquers all.
I would not have taken on ALL the guilt and shame I carried for getting pregnant before marriage....in those days, here, that was a thing. I would not have let guilt and shame make me into a sacrificial lamb of marriage. I think it was the guilt and shame of pregnancy in those days that kept young women quiet and servile and grateful that we didn't have to bear the other shames of "unmarried mother", "welfare mom", "loose woman". Yes, those were the labels here in those days....along with parents who would have been shamed if I was unmarried and pregnant or divorced.
I would have carried out EVERY threat I ever made without exception. I would have found strength and support and never be ashamed of myself for living with integrity rather than living with the rules of the culture and tradition that kept women in their places.