Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • A lifetime of betrayal and lies blissfully unaware by: SleepingBeauty 8 years 7 months ago

    My husband was diagnosed with ADHD after I discovered him lying to me to my face and  I insisted he seek help.He went to therapists, psychiatrist , we went to couples therapy and I went to therapy as well.He got on medication and it worked beautifully for him. He divulged a habit of lying since childhood to compensate for learning issues and shame. He revealed he had been telling "little lies" about stupid stuff like coming home early to de-stress watch stupid tv. Off shopping saying he was working. I mailed that bill etc..He swore that there was no other lies and treatment was going great. I was feeling a lot of anxiety and a sense that there was something he was not revealing . Repeatedly he told me there was nothing else, couples therapist thought I was over reacting and urged me to work on this with my therapist. We were doing well he was more communicative , loving thoughtful and was feeling connected to me. We were in a honeymoon phase, then I found the lie. His search history revealed that before treatment he was looking at porn. This is a betrayal to me and this I believe was what the lies were all about. He was spiraling before treatment and he was planning and manipulating me to grab the time for the porn and his down time. We have been married 34 years and I now know that he did not support a job change that would have made my commute small and I would now be home much more and be able to spend weekends enjoying the things I had missed out on.The manipulation , selfish,  lying , lack of support that I was totally unaware was happening over the course of my marriage has devastated me. We never fought he says he enjoyed spending time together but needed this time (most of the weekend) to de-stress. He also did not consider me in any decision he made or the consequences of his behavior His therapist says he did not have room for me with everything going on in his head. He says he could not express how he felt before treatment and did not feel the connection until now. Everything with his treatment is going very well , I just can't move past the hurt and the final lie that he made on my life in therapy. He was ashamed and felt I would leave him ,once again deciding what I would say or do. He consciously was lying over the course of our entire marriage , making me think and everyone else how devoted and loving he was. He says it was like a second life and he had his cake and was eating it too. Everything for him is going well and I am truly happy for him , I don't know if I can live with him. This is all very raw 3 weeks since the porn came to light . It is crazy how he is now who I thought I was married to and now I am so hurt I feel unable to get past these feelings. Is there really hope.? I have not found anything to guide me that feels right for me. I am a Christian but all the Christian blogs make me hurl!This wasn't a short term problem it is my whole life. I believed in him and loved him and never suspected a thing. Can anyone relate or give my any guidance?

     

    SleepingBeauty

     

     

     

    O

  • silent spouse by: PoisonIvy 8 years 7 months ago
    My spouse and I are in the midst of a divorce, and he is not communicating at all: not responding to any emails, voicemail messages, or U.S. mail. Lack of communication has always been an issue but now I think and feel that it's very possible he'll never speak to me again. I don't know if he has been communicating with our adult children, but I'm concerned that he might be shutting them out, too. I'm having a hard time coping with this. Any suggestions for adjusting to this situation?
  • Getting ready for guests by: jennalemone 8 years 7 months ago

    Easter Sunday we will have 20 people here. We have a big house.  H's "areas" that I try to let him have to his content are "hoarding rooms" and are dirty including his office, his bathroom and his rec room.  (He also has the garage and sheds and rented storage buildings where he pays for his rusty dirty "valuables" to be stored until he can "sell" it all at a profit. When our extended family comes to visit I used to clean the entire house including organizing in piles and washing all his areas.  I was ashamed of his dirty, getting smelly mess, believing it a reflection of me as the housekeeper.

    I am not going to this year.  I asked him if he was planning to do any clean-up of his areas before Sunday, and he loudly scolded me that he had been ..."cleaning up ALL DAY!!!! CAN"T YOU SEE THAT?"  It was 10am and he was looking at a paper on his desk. (To sort means to read each paper from 5 years ago and then stare at it and think about it for a minute, then put it into a paper bag with a few other years old useless papers.)  He believes in experiencing and enjoying each moment as it happens and is oblivious to things outside of what he is focusing on at the moment.   It has been 30 minutes since and he has already started some other activity outside. Yes, just to sort out carefully the top of his desk would take a person an entire day.  But there you have it. There are three large rooms in our house that are a dirty mess.  I work full time.  He works 3 days a week. And I am going to let it be. There you have it.

    I know that by ignoring it, it will grow.  Not sure if I can live with that.  But right before we have a house-full of people is not the time to find a solution to a much bigger problem. I had to vent this out of me before the weekend begins. Thanks for listening.

  • TMI by: AdeleS6845 8 years 7 months ago

    We are not married, but I thought I could get some help in reacting to my boyfriend's oversharing when he talks about other people.  We have been together 6 months. He says I am his best friend, and feels like he can be himself without any judgement when he is with me. I accept him as he is, and I feel the same about him. Sometimes, however, he talks to me like I'm "one of the guys". I'm not one of the guys, I'm a woman. HIS woman. Perhaps its a matter of me chalking it up to his ADHD and letting it go. Then again, some of the things he says are too much information, things that I'm better off not knowing. He told me about some of the women he knows from work. He tells me too much about what they do and say. Here is an example: He told me all about one woman, and how she shakes her butt at work, comes up behind some of the men in the office, presses her breasts against their backs, and massages their shoulders...to get what she wants.... And he told me about another one, who gets away with calling off and coming in late because she is so HOT. And then there's the help desk girl who has a calendar on her wall with pictures of herself in it for every month. And the fact that the hiring managers only hire attractive women who look like they could be models for help desk positions. He has also gone into too much detail about some of the women in his past, be it ex wife or ex girlfriend.... He became angry with me when I brought it up in a discussion, saying : "Do you want me to quit my job"? NO. I don't want him to quit his job. Its not about jealousy. I love what we have and we have spoken many times about our future, and merging our lives. I don't want him to hold back and not tell me things. However, I don't need to know about some of the details, especially when it comes to what he has told me about co workers. Advice ?

  • My ADHD story; Thank you Melissa Orlov for setting me straight! by: Mihi Crede 8 years 7 months ago

    Hello to everyone and I admit that I’ve been a lurker on this site for about a month. And I've really been inspired enough to finally post. Where to begin?? Wow, what a question. There are so many places I can start and I could literally write a book (and won’t), but I will begin that I’ve been married now for twenty years and have two kids that are the back half of them leaving the nest. We are of Christian faith and I’ve been fortunate that my job is in sales and I’ve been able to use my creativity to hold my job for over 15 years – but I know now that I can be so much better!

    How I came to know how I’m ADHD will come later, but my wife will argue that the signs go all the way back to the beginning (and I don’t disagree), but really my freefall started a few years ago. But before my freefall let’s start with some of the signs that I check off:

    Distractibility – check (Squirrel!!)

    Impulsiveness – check (If I like it, I buy it – within limits ($50) and Amazon Prime is evil) although I’ve taken on expensive up front cost hobbies in the past

    Forgetfulness – check (I’m guilty of the Now/Not Now List)

    Hyperfocus – check; although now I’ve come to use this as a weapon when I motivate my mind properly.

    Anger – check; I don’t have the ‘white hot’ anger…more of the impatient – ‘barking’ type of anger on small issues that doesn’t make sense

    Because I’m consistently looking for that dopamine drip, my day consisted routinely of begrudgingly going to work in sales, coming home to a beer and if nothing was on fire (where the fires were inevitably never big enough), jump on a video game – not get dinner started, not spending time with the children or not helping them with schoolwork (always excused myself that my parents never helped me) and not spend time with my wife where ultimately she would have to create her own time. And unfortunately, I could spend hours on video games because of the dopamine fix and all of the distractions around me stop to relax my mind. I’m in the video game generation that started it all (Doom & Duke Nukem-first person shooters); for video gamers, these games were like the Beatles to music and were the perfect outlet for a person like me.

    I’m beginning to sound quite the dumbass guy aren’t I?? But like the cheezy $20 knife commercials; but hey that’s not all! Thankfully for our financial well-being, I was fired from paying the bills as it’s a strong suit of her anyways. Although I did my fair share of cleaning around the house, I would have issues keeping up with changing air filters on a timely basis or not keeping up my ever growing honey-do list. But I would always find the time and energy to spend with friends (Have beers with buddies) in the neighborhood or workplace than quality time spent with my wife. And if we did go out on date nights, if she didn’t initiate – nothing would happen. Which leads me into the most serious sign of ADHD that my wife has had to deal with; the emotional disconnect and neglect. I admit that my intimacy was inconsistent at best and have been reminded many times that we probably wouldn’t have had our children if it wasn’t for her initiating (All the time). I don’t know what I was thinking other that I felt mentally exhausted (daily distractions, video games etc) all the time and would rather fall asleep than to exert the energy needed for intimacy.

    But unfortunately I can go on and on about how I constantly looked for the shiny penny to satisfy me, but never looked at the shiniest of them all that were right in my own home.

    I consider myself an accountable person. I can’t stand Entitlement and think it’s a disease and consistently warn my kids against it as they get older. This world is not fair and will slap you upside the head if you don’t fight for everything in life. And that the achievements that you earn will feel so much better when you achieve them due to work ethic. But even as I warn my children I was susceptible in my own Marriage; I was guilty of Entitlement and took so much for granted.

    Well I am certainly a dumbass, but not an idiot and I fought myself out of a serious hole mentally and realized that our relationship was not normal or healthy. With the help of a topic non-ADHD related I had seen/read online; I woke up and began to view her again as my best friend and wife instead of just my wife. I asked for strength from God and finally built the courage to discuss it with my wife. Well without going into too many details, it was too late; my wife had decided that she had enough in her heart and shut me out. She said that she would always love me but was no longer in love with me. After months of me trying to come to this point, she had endured years of me and was spent. She was going to stay in the house to finish raising our children, but once our nest becomes empty our marriage would have nothing left to hold it together.

    Well this totally rocked my world in a couple ways. I was sick and horrified at myself after the realization set in of how badly I hurt her in order for her to come to this reality. She entrusted me with her security when she married me and I completely destroyed it. That profound statement still shakes me to my core. I completely and sincerely understood her point of view but I honestly had absolutely no idea how I was going to fight it. All I knew was that I loved her and I didn’t want our marriage to end. And I was determined that since she was still in the house; I still had a chance...so I was going to try harder instead of what I now know as differently. Well, the first thing I did that made sense was quit the video games cold turkey; and to this day I’m OK with it. The next was to take the lead role in making sure dinner, homework etc was being tended to before my wife gets home from work. Just doing this was very self-satisfying and helped keep my mind busy and not wander. And then I began to stop the barriers and walls and decided to be completely open and vulnerable to her at all times; better said than done when the other side will not be overtly meeting you half way. The next step I can only say would have been from intervention from God (For He helps those who help themselves); you see…my son also has ADHD. For some reason I Googled ADHD and Marriage…the flood of information that popped up was overwhelming and tears poured as I read and read and read as much as I could. I devoured everything I could that night and then emailed my wife a ton of links with a promise that this was not an excuse but more of an understanding of ‘why’. The very next morning I purchased both of Melissa’s books and devoured them in less than 6 hours. And all of the boxes I checked earlier for ADHD were an enlightenment; the distractions, impulsiveness, hyper-focus…everything. What I needed more than anything else to make me better was a roadmap; and all of a sudden I had one.

    Well; with all of the evidence, my wife has accepted ADHD as the source of the issue. She now understands that I’m coming after her again and is understandably untrusting and that’s ok. I’m into figuring ‘me’ out right now and hopefully she will come along for the ride when she realizes I’m back…the guy she fell in love with. The guy that believes she is my only best friend; because I treat my best friends with love and utmost respect. And I will prove to her consistently each and every day that I’m the guy that will Champion her heart until death do us part.

    Am I afraid that I’m using Hyper-Focus to get her back like I did to originally win her heart? No I’m not afraid; I’m using it as a weapon to cut for me instead of against me this time. I’m not worried in the slightest about reverting back; because to do that would hurt her (I hate seeing her cry) and I would rather set her free than to ever do that again. And I’m using all the resources I have available including this forum as tools and as a reminder that if I ever get her back again, that it will be for good.

    In just four weeks in working on me, I’ve seen a positive influence coming from her. And she talks about the distant future with me in it which is a good sign. She really is an amazing woman and I’m fortunate to be married to her. But she will have to forgive me one last time for our marriage to work. She will ultimately decide how accountable I’m going to be for my behavior. If at the end, she finds that she can’t do it; my accountability will be forever. Will it be devastating…yes; but I only want her to be happy. If her being happy means not being with me; I’ll have to accept that and wish her well. Why? Because I love her and she’s my best friend.

    To those spouses on both side of the ADHD fence; I wish you all the best of luck. I bleed for those spouses that are struggling with their ADHD other half. I would like to think they will wake up like I did; but I only did when I was faced with the truth of being divorced and the honest and brutal truth of the hurt caused by me.

    Thank you Melissa Orlov for your books and venue for support. And Thank you to all those that have taken the time to post; your stories are invaluable resources for others to use.

    God Bless

  • How to bring up ADHD with my love by: meerkat 8 years 7 months ago

    I have been seeing a wonderful man for nearly 2 years. He is 35; I'm much older. I love him very much and (as much as anyone can know another's heart and mind) truly believe the feeling is mutual. I have seen many signs that point to adult ADHD and these have accumulated to the point where I feel I need to bring up the topic of ADHD with him and ask whether he thinks this may be the cause of some of our relationship issues and his life challenges generally. Examples: Failing to follow through -- hardly ever calls when he says he will, couldn't get the paperwork together for a project I tried to help him with several times, broken promises (for example, he offered to sell me an unneeded family car and fix it up for me; after 3 months of delays -- needed more fixes, 2 lost titles, etc. etc. etc. -- I found another car on my own but several months later he has not paid me back a cent of the money I gave him), shows up unannounced saying he lost another cellphone with my number in it (3 times), lies on impulse (maybe to tell me what he thinks I want to hear?), forgets simple facts like whether I have a cat (he met the 2 I did have but they died last year), pops in for short visits but never seems to have the time or inclination for a real date, always working hard but always broke, seems totally clueless to my feelings most of the time, says he feels he has let me down but doesn't change ... The good stuff: deep sexual and emotional intimacy despite all of the above, faithful, spiritually in tune with me, great sense of humor, very bright guy who's fun to talk with about nonpersonal things, talented and successful in his field.

    After yet another no-show, with no explanation, for a date a couple of weeks ago, I decided it was time to bring up communication issues next time I saw him. About the broken date, I asked what happened and he said he was on call for work. I asked if he remembered we had plans and if he got my "How's your day looking? Please let me know" check-in voicemail that morning. He said yes to both. I asked why he couldn't have taken a few seconds to text or call to let me know he had to cancel. He said when he's on call "everything else goes into another compartment." He seems to have really heard me (although he was on a mission to find something and checking his phone most of the time). He repeated that he feels he has let me down and knows it must always seem like he just comes to me when he needs something. I asked if I have ever let him down and he said no, I'm always there for him. He repeated my concerns back to me: feeling demeaned by lack of common courtesy when he needs to cancel, wanting real communication instead of 1-word answers to questions about how things are going with him, wanting him to really make time for me instead of squeezing me in between appointments, etc. He told me he loves me deeply but there's always so much going on.

    Since we had the talk last week, he has texted me once "just to check on you" and that was sweet. But if this relationship is to continue without frustrating both of us, I really believe I need to mention the possibility of adult ADHD and perhaps share a self-assessment with him so he can decide if this is where many of his life challenges are coming from. Can anyone suggest a loving, nonconfrontational way to do this? I don't want to present it as something that's wrong with him, just that maybe he has different brain chemistry that leads him to organize thoughts and process information differently than most people. Thanks in advance to anyone who can help!

  • Should I talk to husband about his deteriorating relationships? by: Anonymous (not verified) 8 years 7 months ago

    I will keep this simple. My husband does not keep in touch with his younger brother who has a son born 2001. He has only hung out with the kid three times and is NOT close to him at all. He has stopped talking to his best friend since last year, when I left my H for a month and his best friend sided with me since he knows my H. Last year, my husband mentioned that he feels he is a bad brother. He wanted to write this wordy email to him and I told him that he could do that but actions will make him a better brother. Calling, texting, keeping in touch. Well that was last year. His brother wants to know what is up with him. His best friend is not knocking down the door for his friendship back but he said he will always be there when my H decides he wants to be in his life again. Its all very sad. 

    The other day, my H told me that he can't believe that his half sister and his half nieces have disconnected themselves from him cold turkey since 2006. They don't return calls and they don't contact him at all or me for that matter. It was abrupt and I always wonder why. But it does weigh on his mind. So I told him that this should remind him of how he needs to be in touch with his blood relatives, like brothers and nephews before they forget who HE is too. I hear crickets. 

    He can easily remember who abandons him but he has such problems keeping in touch with others and also can be very vindictive. He would deny it of course. He doesn't call my Mom, my family, which I understand since he doesn't call his own family. I can straight up tell him that someone is having a rough time and he should call and he won't, sometimes he even tells me no. Very sad. How do you NOT call you family, especially when you have a wife reminding you to keep in touch? I even told him that his brother was very depressed and he didn't bother to reach out. I am the complete opposite and am very in touch with people's feelings and alwayts trying to help someone. I know I am not him and I don't have his issues. Funny is that people, especially elderly, feel he is generous and helpful but his intimate circle, not so much. 

    So  my question: should I just let this go and let the people affected tell him how they feel themselves? I have reminded him many times and he even told me he has pushed everyone away. 

    He tries to impress so many people yet can't send a simple text to let his blood know he loves them. These are things that he will feel when someone he loves dies. It's such a shame. I know I can't fix everything or even anything. I hate seeing his life decompose in front of my very eyes. He has such potential. He refuses therapy and meds. His choice therapy is tv/laptop and overcompensation. He gets accolades and stroked with his job, since he is an entertainer/DJ. People compliment him so much, but they are strangers. 

    What do you think?

  • Vyvanse worsening symptoms? by: Julia 8 years 7 months ago

    My husband was diagnosed in 2009 at age 35. It explained a lot at the time and he started on medication and therapy.

    It has been a struggle for him since and on our marriage. I don't know the details of which medications were tried and what dose as I have not gotten involved in his treatment. However, i have noticed a significant change in his behavior over the last year, maybe year and a half. I now know he is on Vyvanse but don't know when he started (i think about that timeframe) or the dose (I know it has been increasing). I know he is also on an anti-depressant.

    Our marriage struggles have only amplified. Not helping is him losing his job last month, his 3rd job loss since his diagnosis, his 2nd in the last 14 months. Here are the main issues I have noted:

    1. Sleep. He won't go to bed more than once or twice a week before 2 am. The rest he spends on the couch watching TV or playing video games then dozes off there. Then he can't get up in the morning and runs late.

    Oversleeping. Can't get up before noon when not working. When I say can't I mean when I try to get him up because we need to go he says : I can't wake/get up. He has spent more than half the day in bed the last 4 days. HIs inability to get up in the morning has been there for a long time but has just gotten much worse in the last 2 years or so.

    2. Depression. He has been saying that he has never been this depressed - the job loss may not have helped mind you. This past week saying he would rather be dead. Then a few hours later he didn't mean it, he would never want to die. Then the next day he is up early, on time, laughing, getting stuff done, talking on stop etc... Total reversal. Then it will go back again. Note: His mom was bipolar and his doctor and therapist are aware and monitoring but apparently he is not bipolar. 

    3. Memory. Always been an issue but not this bad. We will talk about something together, he will get into the conversation, then completely forget. For instance this week we were planning a family activity for the next day, time to get up and get going etc...and the next morning he gets angry when the rest of the family is waiting for him because we decided without discussing it with him and so it's not his fault etc...
    We will have discussions about our upcoming week's tasks to get done, he says he is putting reminders on his phone, then forgets that we discussed it and had forgotten to put them on his phone.

    4. Anger/denial/blame and general mood. Yelling, blaming, accusing etc...It's awful. Same example as above, the morning he was late for our planned family activity was due to 3 things:
    a. We decided without him, imposed our time of departure on him so how was he to know he had to get up? No recollection of our family discussion the night before.
    b. MY alarm was off. He has 2 alarms on his side of the bed but apparently my alarm radio being off was the other reason he didn't know to get up.
    c. He was upset that I didn't talk to him the night before. He had lost it on me that afternoon and told me to stop talking to him and to let him be (he had been in bed for over 15 hours at the time). So I left him alone. He forgot that we later had dinner as a family, and forgot that we actually discussed the next day activity above and forgot that he and I watched our favorite TV show together that evening. All he remembers is that I did not talk to him, if only for a period of time and at his request.

    This is just a recent example but it's like that most days. I end up crying almost on a daily basis. He is extremely hurtful and mean followed by complete denial. According to him if I get hurt or sad it's all in my head. I am actually the one not loving to him. The most common themes from him are: If only I was nicer, more loving, more empathetic etc..."Because you" is the start of most denials. 

    He will "remember" positive things he supposedly has done and "remember" negative things I supposedly have done or said. Even if neither are even true. He has no recollection of negative or hurtful things he does or positives I do or say.

    5. Lack of self control. He has had issues with a sexual addiction, which he now says is "gone". I have no idea but he does have a video game addiction which is turned into a spending addiction. He can and does spend HOURS playing video games on his phone. First thing he does when he wakes up, in the bathroom, on the couch, when we are out as a family he will take out his video game anytime he has a few minutes etc... He has maxed out his credit card on game credits for his phone - which is his own problem as his credit card is his own responsibility - but then he started using my account, first denying it when I saw charges on my account but then had to fess up when I called my credit card company and was about to report the transactions as fraudulent

    Same for food. He knows he should try to eat better. He also has bowel issues, which may be on their own but maybe medication? Anyway, he should avoid sugar and high carbs yet will eat chocolate croissants or cookies for breakfast with a can of cola. He can't help it he says. We will have omega 3s, vitamin D and probiotics everyday on the table at dinner and he is the only one not taking them. He doesn't know why. The rest of the family does sports and exercise. He knows he should be he can't. Except for medication, he is unable to take on any other strategies that could possibly help. He doesn't know why he can't.

    I know most of these are often ADHD symptoms, we have been together for over 15 years and he has only been diagnosed 7 years ago so I have known him before and most of those were there before but to a much, much lesser extent. His behavior has gotten to such an extreme I don't think it's normal. I have asked him to talk to his therapist/doctor/psychiatrist but he doesn't think there is an issue. It's all in my head apparently.

    This can't continue. For him, for me, for our family.

     

  • Initiated In-House Separation today... scared by: Lost Wife 8 years 7 months ago

    I don't know if it will stick, but I am so scared and devastated. I tried for so long to work with him on everything. But the broken promises and lack of empathy are just too much. I'm only now realizing how deep the selfishness runs. I have literally no one to talk to. There's too much I could say about this, and not enough energy to type it out. I feel blasted on the inside. I'm scared for what's to come, and how it will effect our children. I'm very raw right now. 11 years of trying for nothing.

    Anyway, don't know what I'm looking for in posting. Thanks for letting me talk about it.

     

  • Naive and Married by: Miss.Sarah 8 years 7 months ago

    I met my husband mid-2012, we dated aggressively for several months- his best friend and his best friend's fiance said we were perfect together and pressured him to ask me to be his girlfriend. During this time while we were not official he was also talking/flirting/hanging out with other women. He was not ready to settle for anything and the more I wanted him to commit to me the less he would try. So I let him go, hurt, and went on my way for a bit. Fast forward a year and a half and he managed to steal me away from another man because he decided that he wanted to pursue me officially. I had never really gotten over him and when he came back to me he looked like he had reformed his life- he had found out he had a child and was fathering her (in what looked like a good way) and had found a stable job and a vehicle. We became a couple and he proposed 6 months later on New Years and we set the date for 10/24/15. He then moved in, January 2015.

    At first I thought his mother just had not prepared him for the real world. It made me feel nice sort of taking care of him and spoiling him- I felt loved and soaked it all up. I knew he was dyslexic and had ADHD and had been treated as a child but never consistently. I never even thought about this being anything that might induce negativity into our relationship. March 2015 he was let go from a job he was not happy with- they used and abused him and he was broken by the whole situation. When he was let go he got depressed and I felt within the next couple months like I had lost the man that I knew. Days were spent on the couch- playing the PS4 I had gotten him for Christmas or watching shows/youtube etc.

    He had never been the sort to clean around the house- I constantly find trash/food behind couches, chairs, etc. I even dispersed trash cans throughout the living room hoping to fix this- to no avail- once the trash cans are full they stay that way and then under, inside and behind the couch fills with trash and other things. I work 10-hour or more overnight shifts so when I am not at work I am basically sleeping if I am not off for the day. Days off are generally spent TRYING to catch up with housework because on top of husband, I have step-daughter who is a mess as well.

    Husband has applied for maybe 10 jobs total and those were craigslist ads (which were fake and obviously not the best place to search for a job). I have put in hundreds of applications with his cell phone number and he claims he has heard nothing from any of them. His excuse nearing our wedding was that he really didn't want to find a job because with the wedding he would have had to ask for the day off or the week if we were going to honeymoon. His small amount of unemployment was taxed to give money to the step daughter's mother even though we have half custody. The rest he spent before I even saw- leaving all of my checks to pay for all the bills, gas and groceries.

    I hated saying it and denied it until recently but I was starting to doubt the relationship and if I should proceed with the wedding. In the end I decided that after the wedding he would get a job and things would go back to normal and that too much had been spent already to even postpone. My maid of honor took me aside on the night of the rehearsal and told me that she thought I was making a mistake and getting married to get married and begged me to rethink it- I foolishly told husband and he nearly wanted me to kick her out of the wedding party. The best friend was concerned because she knew how he treated me at the beginning and had been watching everything unfold. Mom even told me that if I was having second thoughts it would be okay to say so, even though they were paying for most of it.. I didn't and on top of that I made her feel bad for even bringing it up. So in the end we were married in October.

    I feel like I was much too naive when I dreamed that things would get better. He still has not found a job and his unemployment ran out in December. My mother heard of a program through the government that provides free school courses for unemployed people. We heard about this in December and I just barely got him to start the process. He started the process to get in Welding school at the beginning of February- he had to take a couple classes on resumes and something else to receive the certificate which would get him the free schooling. They told him the certificate usually took one week but could take up to six weeks to arrive. Fast forward to last week when I finally made him call the main office and request a new one. It was supposedly mailed on Monday which should have made it in our mailbox by now, but nothing. He says he's excited about going and I see it slightly but why then would it take him to long to call and why would it take ME telling him to do it?

    I also find myself not being able to believe any of the promises he makes. He says all the time 'I'm going to do x today!' I then get excited at him doing something productive only to get home and it's not done. Or I'm going to clean this today while you're asleep- only to wake up to a bigger mess. I've told him before that I'd rather he just not say he's going to do things if he doesn't actually plan to do it- to which he responded that I was hypercritical and etc. He just does not follow through and I'm so so tired of it.

    I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and we just had a bad day where he once again told me that he feels like I don't like him anymore. I know I've changed because I've got a lot of resentment building up but I'm trying so hard just to be supportive just to get the brunt of his frustrations. Anytime he loses anything (which is ALL the time) he gets upset, yells at me, then when I get upset he tells me I always make everything about myself and makes me a bad person. To me, it becomes about me the instant you treat me like dirt because YOU are having an issue. We fight constantly- we never used to. I feel detached and emotionally distant because I'm so frustrated. I shut down when he yells at me and I feel helpless. Still working my regular shift PLUS lots of overtime to try and stay on top of bills, then coming home to try and clean. And on top of this my dad was diagnosed with cancer in January- he had it removed and thank god it seems to be gone but two weeks ago he was in the ER from a massive infection as well. I'm stressed out and I was very sick when my dad went to the hospital- on top of it all I have something severely wrong with my back right now. I feel completely overwhelmed and when he told me that he thought I didn't even like him anymore I broke down at work, crying... because I don't know if I do.

    At the same time I love this man. But I feel myself falling out of it and I don't know if I'm being fair to the situation. I have been at the end of my rope and I was googling tonight about helping with memory for ADHD/Dyslexic people because he once again lost our LAST phone charger. It never occured to me that there were more people out there feeling the same as I do and then I stumbled accross one person's post here and it was exactly how I felt.

    I need help. I'm not going to give up yet, but when is it reasonable to try and be happy for myself? I can't care for both him and his daughter AND myself. My parents and friends are worried that I'm working myself into the ground and they are starting to resent my husband for not stepping up.

    I need help and suggestions how to navigate from here... Who he needs to see to get medicine that might help with his ADHD so that he can be well for not only himself but for our marriage. I don't know where to go, I just need a point in the right direction.. Most of all I need support and not just someone to sit here and say I told you so to me.

    I know this was long- but I really needed to get the big picture out there somewhere. I'm literally at the end of my rope and need whatever help I can be given. I am not ready to give up but I'm just so exhausted.

    [There is likely more that I would like to include here that I just have left out.]

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