Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Every Month She Threatens to Leave by: ADHDpilgrim 9 years 6 months ago

    I'm new to the forum. I found out I had ADD minus hyperactivity with Acute Anxiety Disorder a year-and-a-half ago. My wife and I have been married for more than 13 years, and most of them have been trying to say the least. We have three daughters and have somehow managed to make it work. I've worked in a field that often lends itself to moving from one place to another, though my ADD diagnosis seems to make all of our moves make a little more sense. But I have also had my shares of job losses, layoffs. It has taken a toll in my intimacy. Wife feels neglected and "unseen." She feels she constantly has to repeat herself. And the truth is, I ADORE my wife! It's true, I forget to do things all the time. EVEN WITH A TON OF REMINDERS ON MY PHONE. I make lists for EVERYTHING and then FORGET TO LOOK AT THEM. She knows I can't help some of it, but she thinks I should have made more progress in the last year and a half than I have.

    I have gone to counseling - went for over a year - but stopped when I kept forgetting appointments. I couldn't keep doing that to my counselor. And other than that, I haven't been treated much. I've tried to get in the habit of meditation and I try to get out many times a week and get physical exercise.

    But she remains frustrated because I have an intense fear of conflict. As a result, I tend to avoid meetings with my boss, tend to avoid any arguments in general. She says I let people push me around. And maybe I do. I try to remember to do things and have one or two successful days each week where I make some forward progress with my life. I do take Lexapro for my anxiety. But I forget a lot. I've never been able to save money much and our credit has taken a beating through the years. Once a month, she will have all she can take of my forgetfulness or distractability and threaten to take the kids and leave, claiming I don't love her enough to change. 

    And today was a rough day. She had wanted me to call in sick from my job - but I had recently gotten in trouble for too many sick days - and when I didn't, she taunted me and yelled at me for being a pushover. 

    No matter what I say or do, I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. Tonight, she stormed out saying she didn't want anything else to do with me. 

    This is a cycle, and I truly am trying to change. I know I have a long way to go but I'm trying to make progress. I love my wife and my children, but I will never be good enough for her to respect me as a person. I've not been perfect, and there have been times I've TRULY messed up. I've always been faithful to her and as far as I know, she has been to me. But I get scared. I truly don't know what to do. We've moved so much and all I want is to finally STAY in one place and make some friends. It is truly lonely.

    How do I continue to manage and finally break this cycle of her feeling like she wants a divorce once a month? I'm afraid one day she might actually go through with it. 

    Truly trying to become the man she needs me to be.

  • Cats and Dogs by: kellyj 9 years 6 months ago

    I love animals and always have.  Since I don't have children....I spend more time observing them more than most people I think.  I don't see animals as a replacement for children, but I really think they are a gift to have around me because of what I learn from them.  They are always present, aware of their surroundings and even prescient if you understand this about them. I own two cats and two dogs currently which is such a great mix at times and can be very entertaining to watch.  I've also come to learn a great deal in the way they communicate with each other especially the differences in the two species in the way the miscommunications between the two.  This has been really telling for me since I know both of their languages which are primarily...non verbal even though I know the sounds that they make and what those sounds mean to them.  Intuitively speaking is where all the trouble begins.....and I mean this literally! 

    It occurred to me the other day that many of the miscommunications between my wife and I could be seen the same way, both gender and ADHD.  I thought it might be useful to share some of these correlations here because I think there is really something to learn from this.  I've mentioned before that I swear I was a dog in a previous life since other people have nicked named me "Dog Whisperer" as a joke because dogs do respond to me seemingly....more than most.  I thought about this because for me....dogs are simple to understand.  Cats on the other hand are more mysterious to me since their behavior itself is curious more than predictable?  I thought about this one too.....I'm very curious myself and it's one of my strongest (and at times weakest) qualities.  Cat's see something that interests them and they go from place to place with no particular pattern and are more random in their behavior. A just kind of prowl around and see what new and don't like to be couped up too long.  Always exploring, always looking for whatever.  It does appear this way as I watch my Cats thinking..... this sound like me!  The Chuck Berry song.... "No Particular Place to Go" is playing in my ears right now."  Life is an adventure!

    Dogs on the other hand are pretty darn predictable and easy to read. They are not so random and you can pretty much tell what they are thinking at all times......"Food, Peeing, Food, Sleeping. Food, Pooping, Food, Playing, Food, Affection, Food, Head Out Car Window, Food, Eating Grass, Food, Throwing up Grass, and more Food.....in that order. That pretty much covers it.  If you can understand this, you can understand how dogs think.  I can see a lot of myself in Dogs behavior too (aside from eating grass and throwing it back up... *water goes along with food of course:)

    But here's the point to this.  The non verbal communication between dogs and cats are extreme opposites to one another.....

     If dogs ears are back....they are submitting too you either for affection or capitulation in a fight.   When cats ears are back.....trouble is about to happen and a fight is immanent out of fear or retaliation.  A miscommunication between the two.

    When dogs gets down on their front fore arms.....they initiating play.  When a cat does this, they are either hunting, stalking or about to fight.  A clear miscommunication!

    Staring directly into a dogs eyes while walking towards them is a challenge and put them into a defensive posture with their ears up and ready for attack.  Cats on the other hand have their ears up and walk directly up to you and stare straight at you if they are just curious?  An even worse miscommunication!

    Dogs sniff butts to tell what gender another dog is when they first meet.  Cats are just not down with butt sniffing period!....this is a guaranteed fight reaction and offense for a Cat!

    Dogs love Kitty- Rocca (cat litter encrusted cat poop).  Cats .....(only with there young) would ever eat poop and certainly not Dog poop!

    Cats are stingy and bury their poop and leave no trace so no one can find it.  Dogs are much more generous with their poop and leave it in your next door neighbors yard as a gift as much as possible.

    Interestingly.....when either one sees something running away it means....time to chase after it?  This indicates intuitively that it is possibly something to eat? (food)  This seems to be the only thing that they both respond to in the same way.

    and back to the point of doing this here?  Because men and women neglect to interpret cues in the opposite sex that are different than themselves usually as a negative the same as dogs and cats. I think this is primitive thinking.....actually, primitive non-thinking or more just reacting intuitively instead of learning to understand what these difference mean?

    The same goes with ADHD symptoms.  If you can't or won't learn to interpret the actual meaning of the symptoms and their behaviors and take offense or personalize these differences as a negative to you. These difference will always be viewed as something to "Tolerate" instead of just "Accepting" them for what they are.  The same as dogs and cats.  It's not difficult to see these difference and even understand them if you are a third party watching them....but if it's you directly involved in the behavior itself which causes you to flinch or react.....it will always have to be tolerated as a means to be around it.

    Another way to word this would be.....things that you have to tolerate are things that you do not like.

    Intuitively speaking for myself.....I can read when people are tolerating me even if they don't say it by their non verbal communication....even when I'm not cognizant of this in the fore front of my thinking.  I can feel it non the less.  I have pretty highly tuned senses and feel people energy believe this or not.  It comes through like a bull horn announcing......"I DON"T LIKE YOU!"  Even if the person I am with clearly does for the most part.  At the same time.....I can't stop the feeling but in this case....it is happening in the moment. 

    I have no delay in processing in my senses to the point of being almost prescient at times......getting a bad feeling that senses negatively almost before it happens.  An ominous sense of forbidding is the only way to describe it?  Maybe that's why I can read animals so well since.....I definitely can feel there energy that goes along with reading their physical reactions.

    I'd say I do this without thinking.....but have to make sure I look at peoples faces to read their facial expression which I don't do all the time when I speak to people.  Many times, I avert my gaze from people's faces because it distracts me and makes it more difficult to process what they are saying which takes more effort the more information ( visual ones ) I have to process.

    More than anything .... I sense more than look for visual cues but, I have learned to focus on people eyes and faces more so I can pick up these cues which are easy for me to read if I make the effort just to do it.  This is one difference that I see in the way I connect with people than others I have experienced....more by their energy and less by other non verbal cues.  I have also begun to really notice how much my wife's energy is really at the source for many of our misunderstandings.  Because she tends to personalize everything first it seems.....all I feel is the energy she is emitting and it's very difficult to focus on the words she is saying.

    At times, it's like being hosed from a high pressure fire hydrant  blasting into my face with a stream of negative energy.  Where I will talk about my feelings and share with her of my experience and what caused the feelings ( relating the details and facts with her) She wants to give her's to me!  I don't want hers or anyone else feelings (I have my own thank you) but I want to hear about them and talk about them with her?  I have my feelings and she has hers.  Two separate people each with their own.  On top of this.....I don't want to give my feelings to anyone else either.  They're mine and belong to me.  I use them to navigate my emotions and can't do without them?  If she is upset, I want to hear about it and I can connect with that and be empathetic, sympathetic...whatever, as needed.  I do not want to share her bad mojo .  If I'm feeling good, the last thing I want is to feel bad and take on someone else bad feelings which feels like being used as a toilet......used is the perfect word.  If that makes her feel good when she does this, it is at my expense.  She feels good afterwards.....I feel bad.  Thanks a lot!  If I were ready to do something that she wants before she approaches me by being hosed in the face with sticky negative ju ju......I'm unlikely to want to do that after this happens.  More likely.......to go take a shower instead!  The more voo doo that gets on me....the more I want to get it off and for her to stop hosing me down.  Eventually I start to drown in the stuff and suffocate....this is closer to reality in feeling than just a metaphor.  Panic sets in and with that..... the feeling of impending doom switches to my survival response anger as if being attacked and killed.  My response and anger at this point is the same as if I was being attacked by an assailment with a rope around my neck who is trying to strangle me.  At this point.....you will do anything and everything you can to stay alive just like anyone else would in this situation.  What I'm saying is real....this is not a description of what it feels like but describing the actual experience when this happens to me.  It is the same panic experience as if you are actually drowning and dying.  No joke!  That's how bad it can get in the worst moments of this experience.  And you wonder why we are avoidant?  Wouldn't you be?  Who wants to risk that again!  At the end of this exchange....she just gave me her emotions which only caused this effect in me.....and I just gave them back to her in the form in which I received them.   If this is sharing....it's not a pleasant exchange! These are the moments when I turn and walk away to prevent the kind of anger that I came to this forum to try and figure out.  As you can see......mission accomplished. 

    In my mind.....this is the same difference.... as it is between Cats and Dogs.

      I can't read minds of course....but I can sense  these primitive feelings  in other people and interpret them intuitively even if there words are telling me something different.  Tolerating says.....I don't like you to me and it's hard to separate this message when I'm feeling this from them.

    Who would ever feel good about being tolerated?  Things are tolerated not people.  Tolerance is not to be confused here with being tolerated.  those are two entirely different things.

     

    J

  • Cheating, Lying, Obsessions by: dlev878 9 years 6 months ago

    I am new to this forum but thought I would ask for some advice from all of you relating to ADHD.

     

    My partner is ADHD, we have a happy house, similar life goals, similar careers, good friend base, and apparently have crossed bridges that he has never crossed with anyone else. He has previously dated girls and ended things with them after 2 months moving on to the next one. He discussed this with me at length and was adamant that with me we have broken through it. He discussed the future with me, marriage, children, careers, and life. I felt truly special.

     

    As soon as it came to him understanding issues when life got tough, e.g. my grandfather dying, it dawned on me that he is only good at focusing on his issues. He is very self-centered. Whilst I was dealing with that he went away to a wedding and cheated on me with another girl and spent a few days with her. He rang me to tell me what a horrible person I was to try justify his cheating and then dropped the bomb that he had done it. Not only was I dealing with a family member dying but now his infidelity which came unexpectedly as a few days earlier he was telling me how happy he was, how lucky he was to have me etc. His impulsivity and drinking led to him going astray.

     

    He came home and I said that I was not throwing in the towel and we can work through this. He said he wanted to as well. He then spent two weeks only being concerned with his feelings, there was absolutely nothing done to rectify his mistakes and to make me feel better. Again very odd behaviour. He packed up his belongings to leave a few times and I had to stop him and ask him what he was really doing as it was so out of character. One doesnt switch their feelings in a day and he admitted that he feels as if though he is self-destructing.

     

    He went from mood to mood loving me one minute, being unsure the next. We planned a holiday to stay with his family and I decided that when we would return home I would give him space and I asked him to go stay with family for awhile because I could not handle the coldness which I was being presented with after my self-esteem took a shattering. He kept saying it is because he didnt understand himself or love himself for what he did etc. Eventually  I began to see it was all a giant facade. I believe he wants others to love him and is so desperate to get attention that he will do whatever it takes. Even hurting me in the process and having no empathy. He came home and told me all the details of their little affair and how she told him to leave me and he ran with it. He then told me shes not really interesting, he doesnt know why he did it, and that it would only last a few months the way every single other relationship has.

    After this he spent 2 days pouring time and energy into me in terms of being affectionate, telling me he loved me etc. We would be cuddled up watching movies and he would thank me for not leaving him or giving up on him. I noticed he was disappearing to the toilet every once in awhile with his laptop and he spent 40 minutes in there at a time. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was planning something special for me. I knew this wasnt right so when I could check I did and found that he was sitting in the toilet downloading porn and stashing it in secret folders on his computer. I didnt understand as I was still having sex with him, never had an issue with porn, we have similar tastes, and the porn kept affecting our sex life as he would get hung up and obsessive over it and then could not focus on me - struggling to keep attention. To keep disappearing claiming he had a bad stomach and was doing something special for me was really hurtful. This was the final straw for me. He is moving out tomorrow.

     

    Has anyone else had a partner that completely went off the rails out of the blue? A partner who cheated, couldnt keep attention or relationships going? I am at a wits end as to what to do as I have tried talking, understanding, being there for him. I am truly in love with this guy despite all of this and havent really focused on the fact that he is a bad human being. We were truly happy prior to all of this in terms of everything working well and he expressed his happiness everyday. For some reason he is doing all that he can to destroy us and to destroy me. He has never made an attempt to help me in all of his.

  • Lack of Order.... by: c ur self 9 years 6 months ago

    I think the biggest shock to my system was the lack of order....How many of you are planner's and like order, structure and systems in your daily living of life?

    All my life I've had to have order...I was raised by a single parent....Two brother's one older, w/ add and learning disabilities, one younger very smart, but probably adhd... Mother left for work at 5 AM....So I was the middle son who had to get up and from an early age be the responsible one to try and get dead heads up and to the bus stop on time..LOL....My first marriage of 30 years...I had to have order because of children's schedules, my wife and I both working, also my wife had OCD and PTSD that stemmed from sexual abuse....So again I needed to be strong, and maintain some kind of order...Which is fine....Fast forward to now...My wife and I have cleared a lot of huddles in learning how to co-exist.. thankfully...But in looking at our differences from day one, and even setting here now...I realize there is no order in her life...(Not planning ahead, and waiting to the last minutes is her order) She just kind of flows with the moment...I guess if you can get by with that then it's OK...But, how does that transfer to a relationship with us who like order ? Boy she could tell you her horror stories right here..LOL>....If you like order or feel you have to have it....And she/he does not....Your first priority should be to set-up boundaries....

    Boundaries have really help me get a handle on my own guilt (and propensity to control;)) for not always being subject to her life style....My past has lead me into a typical servant's mindset, (not that that's bad, but, when it's blindly forced on others or used as an excuse to control it becomes bad) Boundaries are good, they breed accountability and lessen stress on those who without them find themselves being abused...In my case it maybe something as simple as driving separate cars, to be on time for something...or doing my own grocery shopping so I can count on having something I want to eat, Separate taxes, Separate finances...There are just some people and we are two of them who want last until the bread gets done (not in any healthy form anyway) w/o acceptance and boundaries....

    I would like to hear from others concerning Order and Structure...If you think it plays a role in your ability or inability to co-exist peacefully with your spouse....

    Thanks c ur self;)

  • ADHD caused the breakup by: Bm 9 years 6 months ago

    My fiance broke up with me after 13 years together. He said he had a lifecrises.

    I didnt understand he had ADHD until after the breakup. I used to blame myself

     getting angry when he didnt listen and left me alone focusing 

    on his work for days. 

    The first years together he had his focus on me and he was spontaneus, fun and unconventional. Things were very good. Then he started to get

    distracted, focusing on other things and the relation  got worse. He often misunderstood me.

    He also had OCD and got more and more controlling.

    It was very sad. He has an adult autistic son, who he spent more and more time with. 

    Should I talk to him about hIs undiagnosed ADHD? 

    To explain why the relation didnt work?

  • Goading by: Anonymous (not verified) 9 years 6 months ago
    My partner goads people for a reaction and when he gets it he thinks it's funny. It promotes a lot of distance between us and he never expresses his real feelings. If he sees someone who is emotional he looks uncomfortable and belittles it with humour. His family is the same, they say stuff to each other, sarcasm etc. They are clearly hurt but pretend not to be, their anger then comes out behind the other person's back in slating them and never telling that person how they actually feel. Is that ADHD or something else?
  • Here's a weird thing...fast food ordering by: Vivien 9 years 6 months ago

    When he goes out to get fast food, he NEVER comes back with he right stuff.  Then he gets pissed..SUPER pissed.  He tries to blame the people working there, but it always seems like he is really blaming himself.  I never seem to have the same issue. 

    Recently, I was with him in the car and I didn't understand at first what he was ordering, he was saying it all wacky and I could see how the people inside would be confused.  Because I am learning to speak his language, I could see what he was doing though. 

    Man...it's SUCH a no big deal for me to order fast food and with him, it's a crazy complicated thing that gets screwed up and becomes a source of frustration and shame.  And I just wanted the damned chicken sandwich without sauce!

  • Sifting "ADHD stuff" from "life stuff" by: I'm So Exhausted 9 years 6 months ago

    I took a lot of responsibility for my spouse's stuff. It was how I developed my marriage into a parent/child relationship. For more than the past year, I had - HAD - to let go of him all together. His anger.  His ADHD.  I made my plan to love him as a person and the father of our children - but plan my own life going forward without him. His stuff says NOTHING about me, but everything about him. I chose to work on my stuff.  My spouse has to work on his.  A broken relationship is just that - a broken relationship. If each side does not do their own part, it cannot be a "relationship." It is a lopsided mess of one person doing both people's work. I had that. And never want that again.

    I am in college.  My goal of getting an associate's degree in business has evolved into working towards my bachelor's degree in early childhood education.  By fall of 2016, I can be student teaching.  I feel odd at times. I am 55.  All the meetings and events surrounding my education involve many young people assuming I am one of the professors!  Sort funny.  Sorta awkward.  Sometimes, I feel like I am nuts.

    This forum, and Melissa's couple's seminar has been a catalyst for me. I started posting here over 4 years ago.  Then shortly after, did the marriage seminar with my spouse.  AT THAT TIME, I did not get the result I had anticipated.

    Last fall I erased all my posts as I saw how much my thinking had changed.  Then I was asked to allow my posts to be restored.  And . . . . my spouse who knew I was part of this forum, but had previously refused to participate, decided he wanted to read what I had posted.  Oiy.  I highly suggested that he not read my posts.

    He read them.  

    All.  

    And the result?  I watched him crash.  And burn.  And it was excruciating - for him.  

    But I had to step away.  It fully seemed to destroy my ability to participate in this forum.  However, what Liz thought was a total disaster, changed something.

    My spouse, the man with ADHD, who was not fully diagnosed until a few years ago, is moving forward. 

    I am more amazed than you can imagine at what has transpired over the recent month. I have shared many a harsh thing my spouse has said to me.  I find it important to share the positive thing my spouse said to me.  This is a snippet of the what I hold dear to my heart. Words from my spouse, written to me in a letter: 

    ".....I need time to regain the once peaceful spirit within myself - not letting go of the aspects of wisdom and knowledge dotted among the spiney realizations and anger-born false conclusions I have allowed to creep in.  . . . .mostly, I need time to overcompensate the nurturing of you, lost in the wasted years.. . . ."

    Will this really happen? Only God knows.   It CAN be. I continue to do only Liz's part. But I can honestly admit that the possibility of my spouse's words causes me to feel a bit giddy for our marriage. I am continuing to take each day as it comes. I am hoping he will continue to choose happiness over bitterness. The proof will be in the pudding.  I am not counting my chickens before they hatch.  I am seeing a glimmer now of a  positive outcome of these past 4 years of hard work - Liz on herself, my spouse on himself - and the hope it can create for our marriage.  

     

    Liz

  • Side effects by: gatorman 9 years 6 months ago

    I was curious, for those of you who have significant others that are taking medication, is that a double edged sword?  The only time I have ever known my SO without meds was during pregnancy.  I gotta tell you, that was the best times between us, but hard on her for work.  It was hard for her to concentrate.   However, she was happy, fun, and easygoing.  Then, after she was done breastfeeding, she started again with the meds.  At first it was just on days when there was a big project, and now its every day.  Now she seems like she is emotionless.  Constantly working.  This is great for us financially, but its become a dull, loveless relationship.

    I guess my question to you all is this:  Has this been your experience?  As you might imagine, this is a touchy subject.  One where she gets very defensive.

  • Low impact by: jennalemone 9 years 6 months ago

    Sometimes we need to say what is on our minds to be authentic and true to ourselves. Sometimes we need to hold our tongue and let things go.

    It seems no matter how I am with dh, outspoken or accepting, it doesn't make a difference.  Not to how we are, how we communicate or how I feel about us.  It is like we just don't connect...like I have NO effect on him or our situation at all.   Ahhhhhh.....Pleasantville for him....I am no more than a doll-a-tron.  If I am pleasant, he will stick around in the room and have pleasure in me.  If there is something that is serious and needs to be discussed, I am ignored or manipulated (taught) to be agreeable, and left alone to take care of the mess.

    I will be thinking of that dang movie, Pleasantville, now tonight. 

     

Pages