For the past few months, I have tried a new tactic.  As soon as H would start yelling, I would leave and not come back for a day or two.  

For awhile, H would just get angrier and more verbally threatening, this is what is called an Extinction Burst.  When the Non sets a Boundary, the mentally-unhealthy person will "kick it up a notch" hoping that you'll give up your boundary.  I held firm.  

Every few days, H would start yelling at me about an incident that happened 4 years ago between him and our son.  Our son hasn't spoken to him since.  Since H couldn't "get at him," I became the target for his anger.  I was also the target for his anger about his job, his relatives, and anything else that upset him.

the anger about the incident with our son caused him to file for divorce from me TWICE, cost us thousand and thousands and thousands of dollars.   I kept telling him that if he wanted to stay with me, then he had to stop bringing that subject up.  He wouldn't stop.  Every few days, he'd erupt, he'd drink, he'd rage.  

So, a few months ago, I started leaving the moment any negativity started.  I kept my purse/phone/iPad near me at all times.  I kept some clothing and toiletries in my car.....and the moment he'd start, I'd leave.  He'd call me, but I wouldn't answer.  Often, I'd block his number.  

As Extinction Bursts go, he was a classic case.  He got angrier and angrier.  He made all kinds of threats.  I held to my guns.  

He complained to his T, and she wasn't on his side.  She told him that he was a whiner, a drama queen, and a drunk.  she was brutal.  And, she fired him as a client.  She said other things, but H hasn't yet told me all that she said.  Some things, I think, are just too painful.  Likely, she told him that he has a Personality Disorder and, as such, would be impossible to live with no matter how saintly I was.  

So....Finally, about 3 weeks ago, H surrendered.  He simply said, "I have to stop.  I can't bring up the incident with our son anymore.  I hate it when you leave.  I'm a mess when you leave.  I can't yell at you anymore."   While I was glad to hear that, I didn't know how long it would last.  Other times where he would say that he wanted the marriage to be better, he'd fall back to his yelling ways rather quickly.  

So far, so good.  He hasn't yelled at me once.  the one time he was annoyed at something, I held my ground, and he later came and apologized.  He never yelled..  I just disagreed with him, told him my side, and he accepted it.  This is very new for him.  

He seems to accept that he has something seriously wrong with him...this is new.  In the past, he would make claims like that other husband described in this forum.  H used to claim to be the perfect husband and father, when in truth, he was horrible.  yes, there were many times that he was great with our kids, but the problem is that kids REMEMBER the periodic times when parents are HORRIBLE...and that's what they remember. 

I don't know how long this will last.  It's been a wonderful change.  

What do they say.....only a fool represent themselves in a court of law?  That's what happened this morning and this is my conclusion.  I'm a fool to engage my wife at all when she opens with....I want to talk.  Bullshit!  You want to debate in legal court with you being the prosecuting attorney and me being the defendant.  "Nice shoot'in soldier but two can play at that game".  (This is an informative vent on how not to talk to your spouse unless you want to piss them off......first objection.....BADGERING THE WITNESS!!

I jjamieson APPEAR now on Sunday 5/31/2015  in the case of my wife and I because I'm pissed off when she says she wants to talk and violates all the rules of two people speaking with each other and instead...

wants to "give me her mind and just be heard."  WTF...is this an editorial or an opinion?  Or is it Journalism 101....just the facts?  What happened to the 3 part essay you know:  introduction, body and summary.  Where's the summary?  Where's the conclusion? Are you talking at me like a legal argument or debate...or are you talking to me like I'm a person?  A legal debate is an open ended argument to the jury and the judge makes the decision.  Where's the jury?  Where's the judge?  Where's the fucking court room???? I thought you just wanted to talk?   I am clearly the defendant in this case but had not idea where I was......silly me.  Today I saw it while it was happening and decided in all fairness to me, as my own council to  OBJECT on the following grounds:

Ambiguous, confusing, misleading, vague, unintelligible: the question is not clear and precise enough for the witness to properly answer.
Arguing the law: counsel is instructing the jury on the law.
Argumentative: the question makes an argument rather than asking a question.
Asked and answered: when the same attorney continues to ask the same question and they have already received an answer. Usually seen after direct, but not always.
Asks the jury to prejudge the evidence: the jury cannot promise to vote a certain way, even if certain facts are proved.
Asking a question which is not related to an intelligent exercise of a peremptory challenge or challenge for cause: if opposing counsel asks such a question during voir dire (i.e. the jury selection process.)
Assumes facts not in evidence: the question assumes something as true for which no evidence has been shown.
Badgering: counsel is antagonizing the witness in order to provoke a response, either by asking questions without giving the witness an opportunity to answer or by openly mocking the witness.
Best evidence rule: requires that the original source of evidence is required, if available; for example, rather than asking a witness about the contents of a document, the actual document should be entered into evidence. Full original document should be introduced into evidence instead of a copy, but judges often allow copies if there is no dispute about authenticity. Some documents are exempt by hearsay rules of evidence.[2]
Beyond the scope: A question asked during cross-examination has to be within the scope of direct, and so on.
Calls for a conclusion: the question asks for an opinion rather than facts.
Calls for speculation: the question asks the witness to guess the answer rather than to rely on known facts.
Compound question: multiple questions asked together.
Hearsay: the witness does not know the answer personally but heard it from another. However, there are several exceptions to the rule against hearsay in most legal systems.[2]
Incompetent: the witness is not qualified to answer the question.
Inflammatory: the question is intended to cause prejudice.
Leading question (Direct examination only): the question suggests the answer to the witness. Leading questions are permitted if the attorney conducting the examination has received permission to treat the witness as a hostile witness. Leading questions are also permitted on cross-examination, as witnesses called by the opposing party are presumed hostile.
Narrative: the question asks the witness to relate a story rather than state specific facts.
Privilege: the witness may be protected by law from answering the question.
Irrelevant or immaterial: the question is not about the issues in the trial.
Misstates evidence / misquotes witness / improper characterization of evidence: this objection is often overruled, but can be used to signal a problem to witness, judge and jury.[3]
Counsel is testifying: this objection is sometimes used when counsel is “leading” or “argumentative” or “assumes facts not in evidence.”

Proper reasons for objecting to material evidence include:

Lack of foundation: the evidence lacks testimony as to its authenticity or source.
Incomplete: opposing party only introducing part of the writing (conversation/act/declaration), taken out of context. Under the evidence rule providing for completeness, other party can move to introduce additional parts.[4] If any documents presented for the review, the judge and other party entitled to a complete copy, not a partial copy, of the document. When a witness is presented with a surprise document, he should be able to take time to study it, before he can answer any questions.
Best evidence rule or hearsay evidence: requires that the original source of evidence is required, if available. However, some documents are self-authenticating under Rule 902, such as (1) domestic public documents under seal, (2) domestic public documents not under seal, but bearing a signature of a public officer, (3) foreign public documents, (4) certified copies of public records, (5) official publications, (6) newspapers and periodicals, (7) trade inscriptions and the like, (8) acknowledged documents (i.e. by a notary public), (9) commercial paper and related documents, (10) presumptions under Acts of Congress, (11) certified domestic records of regularly conducted activity, (12) certified foreign records of regularly conducted activity.[2]
More prejudicial than probative: Under Federal Rule of Evidence 403, a judge has the discretion to exclude evidence if "its probative value is substantially outweighed by the danger of unfair prejudice, confusion of the issues, or misleading the jury."

all the above  CHECK

Proper reasons for objecting to a witness's answer include:

Non-responsive: the witness's response constitutes an answer to a question other than the one that was asked, or no answer at all  CHECK
Nothing pending: the witness continues to speak on matters irrelevant to the question. CHECK

SUSTAINED......witness is required to give a response and refuses and is currently in self imposed contempt of court until the judge has time to think about it.

Conclusion?   as at the end of every Perry Mason re-run I ever watched.....in the last minutes of the show the defendant (in this case my wife since I got up to speed here) would break down an emotional cry and say "Don't you understand....I had to do it!!!!"

Court is in recess until further notice.  Thanks for hearing me while I vented  lol

J

For the past two days I have been so blah. I have been crying at the drop of a dime and feeling like crawling into a hole, not speaking to anyone or going out. I have been irritable and trying not to take it out on my ADHD husband because he has done nothing wrong, just what people with ADHD do. The truth is that I am accepting the reality that even though he is reading books on his new diagnosis and taking 20 herbal pills, vitamins and minerals a day and changing his diet, he may never be able to be the husband that I need or want. I now understand why he doesn't compliment me when the whole world does everyday, why I can text him lovingly 5 times a day to see how he is and how work is going or just to tell him I am on my way home and he hardly ever responds to me, why I can tell him I feel ill and he doesn't even ask me what is wrong, why he doesn't buy me gifts even though I shower him with personal things I know would make him feel appreciated and mean a lot to him. It is so hard to be a thoughtful person that aches to be in love and wants to feel special and be married to someone that loves you and is just not wired like you. I am happy that he has improved greatly in his tantrum area since that was the worst, it made me feel nervous, anxious and I just wanted to die rather than be around him at those times. So I have that to be happy about. Today I feel like someone died and I feel a loss. The acceptance that this may be all that I will ever get is hard. Now that there is a diagnosis and that I see that so many other people act exactly as he does makes me see that no matter how much he tries, wants to try, reads, swallows pills, he may never be thoughtful, romantic, attentive or a gift giver. I guess tonight, after 25 years of marriage, I have to accept that when he says he loves me, I must believe him, even though the way he loves me is not how I would love to be loved. I have compassion for him and after 25 years, I have suffered through my love for him and tried to understand how someone that says they love you can continue to hurt you even after you specifically tell them what hurts you but I still stand by my vow. I can't help but think that my role is that of doctor and he is my patient. Any void I feel as a woman has to be fulfilled by me. My addiction to makeup has resurfaced in the last few weeks since it makes me feel wonderful. Not only do I feel beautiful but when I buy it or order it, it is a gift to myself. But makeup can't fill the void of feeling that you are someone's priority everyday. All I ever wanted was someone that would never stop choosing me. So he is trying to be better however, after 25 yrs of me waiting, I wonder if he can ever catch up to where I am in my needs as a woman. He has been with me since I was 15 and now I am 42 and have lost a lot of time aching for the love he promised me. He didn't know he couldn't love me the way I needed to be loved because he hates himself so much. This is it babe, when you get dolled up and other men say "hey there beautiful, you look great!" and my own husband says nothing, or when I go out of my way to do loving things for him and he doesn't reciprocate, I must accept the reality. All I know from his mouth is that he loves me, I hear him say it, I just don't feel it and I know that saying the words is not enough to make a woman happy, but it's all I have. Unreciprocated effort on my part is exhausting and depleting and makes me feel empty inside- yet he looks at me and says "what is wrong?" Of course when I explain, he feels worse because he doesn't even realize he has done something thoughtless, or doesn't see the issue. So I try to put myself in his shoes...when does he put himself in my shoes? Oh that's right....ADHD, he is on page 1 and I am at the end of the book. God give me strength beyond what is normal so that I can continue to smile and love him and help him without losing myself. I thank God for my family and friends. I have so much to be grateful for. Maybe tomorrow will be better, haven't felt this way in a while. I guess I am grieving. It's been a long time to not have what you want. At 42, I am in my prime and ready to have him dote on me and be romanced. Lowering my expectations is my way of protecting myself but again, I get the short end of the stick since I still want all those things that I am denied. I thought about not texting him throughout the day and just buying him one gift a year for our anniversary instead of whenever I saw something he would love. Sad that I feel that I have to save that energy and go against the grain of my character but it leaves me depleted to do all the work. If I do everything or nothing I get the same from him. Funny thing is that if I stop, he notices and says, "you hardly text anymore". What? My actions are not cues for him...yes I know, ADHD. I cry and ache inside. It's not his fault but it's not mine either. I am a positive and happy person by nature which is why this funk is bothering me. Thank you for letting me vent. 

I've been dating this guy on and off now for 2 ½ years.  He is 26 and I am 31.  He is a great guy and comes from a good family.  We have a lot of fun together and I love him very much.  The negative part is that within these past 2 years and a half he has broken up with me five different times.  We were dating for one month and he ended things.  He said he did not see a future for us and that he was a flight risk.  Meaning his job can send him to work in another state.  We stayed friends and then he started asking me to hang out again two months later.  He said he missed me and loved me and wanted me to be his girlfriend.  So for the second time around that we were dating it lasted for five months.  Everything was great until one of my friends told me that my boyfriend gave his number out to one of the servers at a pool hall.  My friend knew the girl and he had said the girl said that my boyfriend was hitting on her.  I was devastated when I heard this.  I was so happy with him and now I had to confront him about this nonsense.  When I did confront him, my boyfriend told me that he was just being friendly.  He also said he doesn't have a lot of friends around where we live since he is not from here and that it didn't mean anything.  For the next three weeks, I couldn't help but think about how he gave his number to another girl and maybe what else does he do behind my back.  So we got into a few arguments and he winded up ending things.  He blamed everything on me and said he just wants to be alone.  I tried to make him see that he was making a mistake and he shut me out by ignoring my calls and text messages.  A month later he comes around for a third time and I just give in to him because I love him.  He told me we can't argue like we did but he wants to be with me and see if we can work things out.  Two months later he left for Florida to work there for four months.  We did the long distance relationship pretty well for three of the months but the fourth month is when he started not calling as much.  I sensed it right away and I brought it up to him.  He started arguments with me and he winded up ending things over the phone as he was in Florida and I'm sitting here almost 1,000 miles away waiting for him to come home.  He told me we can talk in person when he gets home in a few days but right now he is not talking.  This time he totally shut me out.  Did not answer the phone for a week straight or any of my text messages.  He finally gets home, mind you he lives right across the street from me.  All of a sudden I see his bright blue mustang outside his house and I was so excited because I thought maybe he was going to come walk across the street to see me.  But no he did not.  We play on three pool teams together so I eventually started to run into him again.  I gave him the cold shoulder at times and other times I was just civil with him.  A month later just when I started to feel better about moving on with my life he asks me to talk to him in person.  So we wind up talking and hanging out and he told me he loves me and wants me to give him a chance.  He said I am everything that he wants in a woman and that he messed up.  So for the fourth time I gave him a chance.  I really thought maybe this time he did realize and he is not going to be that stupid again to just walk away.  But of course I was wrong.  Five weeks later, me and my boyfriend got into a stupid argument.  In the argument I told him to consider himself single.  I didn't mean it.  I was just upset with him because he was at a strip club and my guard was still up because of the recent break up we had.  The very next day I apologized up and down.  He did not want to hear it.  He told me he can't do this anymore and that he thought things would have been different this time around but they aren't.  He said we are not good together and that he's just done.  He even quit our Wednesday pool team.  For two months and it was the summer I was crying because I was so hurt.  I even had a dream that I tried to kill him in my sleep.  I looked into what that actually means to kill someone in your dream and it said that the person is trying to put an end to someone or something.  In other words I was trying to let go of him.  The third month which was now August, I met someone else (DJ) and I started to feel alive again.  We had a lot of fun playing pool, hanging out with friends, watching movies, etc.. but I still wondered what Mike was doing and if he would ever want me back again.  The fourth month I moved into my new apartment with a roommate and DJ would come over to hang out.  My roommate (Leo) and him got along pretty well.  So now at this point in my life, four months after the terrible break up, I finally learned how to accept that Mike is not coming back.  I was able to sleep good at night and wake up being happy.  At the end of this fourth month, Mike saw me at our Monday night pool match and right after I left he texted me asking what the hell I was doing because he heard I was with DJ.  He bad mouthed DJ and called me stupid and basically compared his new girl to DJ.  Two weeks later I started receiving more text messages from Mike.  He said he just wants to hang out as friends since he is leaving for Florida.  I said fine because I knew he was leaving and it would probably be the last time we would ever hang out.  So I let him come over to see the apartment and I felt terrible because I lied to DJ.  I told him that I didn’t feel good and was going to sleep and I had Mike come over.  Nothing happened between Me and Mike.  He came over, we watched Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy and ordered Pizza Masters.  Mike winded up leaving for Florida for work later that week.  Once he got to Florida, he would call me nonstop and text me nonstop.  This went on for two months and then he came home in December for a few days.  I was still seeing DJ and I ended things with him before Mike came home in December because I am not a cheater and I knew something was going to happen between me and Mike.  Me and Mike hung out the week he was home in December and after we hooked up I just felt terrible.  I loved him but I had hurt DJ who was there for me and helped me move to my apartment and basically make me feel happy when I was so hurt.  I just felt what I was doing wasn’t right because Mike is just going to hurt me again anyway.  When Mike went back to Florida, I tried to make things right with DJ and he did not want to hear it.  At this point I didn’t know what to do.  I felt very confused.  Mike told me he loves me and this time is scary.  He is not losing me forever and he knows he messed up.  He also said, “I am the only woman for him.”  To make this long story short, Mike has tried from December of 2014 until May 2015 to make things work between us.  I was nice to Mike but at times I would tell him I can’t be with him or to just leave me alone because I felt so confused.  I knew I wanted to be with Mike and that I loved him but I felt no matter what that one day he will walk away from me again and to feel that terrible pain would be a nightmare all over again for me.  Throughout these months, I really acted out.  I told Mike I wanted to be with DJ when I really didn’t, I slapped Mike across the face in public because he hung out with DJ and caused trouble between me and him, I told him to leave me apartment a few times, I took my apartment keys from him twice.  In March, I started to invest my heart into things with Mike again but I still didn’t 100% trust that he won’t walk away.  As soon as he saw me being all about him and wanting him I felt him drifting away. Mike did a lot for me and helped me a lot.  I always thanked him and I always was appreciative.  We did have a lot of good nights and a lot of good times, however, once I was acting into him, he seemed to get confused.  He told me those words again, “I don’t know what to do.”  After hearing that again, I became distant for a week and just wanted to be left alone.  My grandmother is sick, work has been crazy, and I know he is not going to be here for me no matter what like he said he was going to be. He came to my apartment to talk to me when I was in the worse mood.  I told him to just go.  He said, “You’re being a bitch.”  So I told him to get out and leave my keys.  When he left I texted him saying that we are never on the same page and I cannot trust him.  The next day when I woke up I tried to contact him and he didn’t want to hear it.  He said he knows where we stand now and then he ignored me for three days.  He finally answered and said we are done.  I got him to talk to me in person last night (May 27, 2015) and he told me to my face once again that he is done with me that he is not in love with me.  He is no longer doing this back and forth thing.  I apologized up and down and told him I will never tell him to leave ever again and that I was acting this way because I still had my guard up.  I was just scared that he was going to walk away no matter what.  He said it’s too late, he is done.  He left my house and once again I’m left to hurt all over again.  My boyfriend well now ex-boyfriend does have ADHD.  He had it when he was younger in middle school and had to take medicine.  His father said his son didn't have to take the medicine anymore when he got into high school.  I heard this information two years ago and I did not think I should be concerned since my boyfriend wasn't on the medicine anymore.  I thought he was okay or maybe outgrew ADHD.  He is very impulsive.  He is always on the go.  He goes to work on his days off.  He can be so sweet and lovable and shows me he cares so much but then there are times where I felt like I didn't even exist to him.  Like his mind was elsewhere.  So my question is, Is ADHD affecting him and how he can have a relationship with me or am I the one who pushes him away?  I know he loves me.  I just don't understand how he can come back crying and asking me to give another chance promising he will never leave again but then does leave the moment there is confrontation?  I feel like I have been on an emotional roller coaster these past 2 ½ years.  Is he going to come back again? Or was the fifth time the last time?  I' ll never understand.