I'm very new to this whole new world of information and I'm finally able to understand my reactions and responses for all these years! I can't tell you how much reading this book has been the best and at times the worst news I've ever read. I'm not alone and I firmly believe that change is possible. Now that I've been diagnosed I can pin point all the problem areas to a "T" throughout our entire marriage...Too little too late my spouse says, as he filed for divorce in November and moved out of our house shortly after.  We have 2 young children, one of which has Autism and I'm pretty sure ADD as well. We've had financial struggles throughout our entire marriage. 

My husband was diagnosed four years ago with ADD/bipolar and depression. We live 3 hours from the nearest ADHD specialist. We're still trying to figure out the medications that are right for him. Still not finding a therapist nearby who is the right fit or really knows their stuff, which is probably the reason that the medication has still not been figured out in four years.

I want to move nearer to help and resources in order to keep our family afloat. My husband wants to on one hand, but the stress and fear of such a big change is trumping that desire and so he wants to stay here--he grew up here.

I'm desperate. I don't want to live like this forever. He's about to lose another job.

I think that the only way for us to stay afloat, to break out of this dark, helpless hole we're in, is to get real help.

I need someone to tell me whether I'm probably right and that I should insist that we move whether he likes it or not. HOW IMPORTANT IS THE RIGHT THERAPIST?

Hi.

I've been living with my ADD boyfriend for 4 months.  I had no idea he had ADD until he moved in - like everyone on here, it seems.

We were working towards marriage, in fact, he bought an engagement ring.  But, we've been fighting so much lately, he hasn't proposed.  No problem there, honestly, as I didn't want to make a commitment, after what I'd seen.

Like everyone else on here, he has an abundance of wonderful qualities.  But, his bad ones, all ADD-related, have gotten to be too much to bear.

I kicked him out last night, as I had finally had enough.  What tipped me over the edge was this:

He quit a job earlier this year he had been at a long time, in order to take a new one that held much promise.  The new job didn't work out so well, so he walked out one day.  I didn't blame him for that, but, this was soon after he moved in, and I didn't know he had ZERO savings and no way to support himself.  But, love took over, and I had no problem supporting him for a few weeks until he got back on his feet.  I thought he'd find something else very quickly.

What happened since is that he hasn't been very interested in finding new work. I had to do his resume.  I had to look for jobs.  I had to apply for them.  I had to do follow-up.  It was exhausting, and a huge turn-off.

When he does work, he is a great worker.  Employers love him, as he works very hard, and does a great job.  I was shocked at how little interest he had in finding something new.

I got him signed with a temporary agency, and he's been working there steadily.  But, it pays horribly.  Since he moved in, he's only contributed 50% towards his half of the bills.  Which means I've been supporting him and paying his bills, and burdened with paying his debt.  Paying his medical.  I don't earn enough to support two people. 

We had many fights over this, in fact, it got to the point where we had a huge blow-up every week or two weeks over this.  It took a real chunk out of our relationship, and I found myself being less in love, less interested in a future, and progressively resentful.  I simply felt used.  Like, if he were single, I doubt he'd be so casual about his job search, but, since I was paying his bills, what's the rush?

He's been on about 5 interviews, all ones I set up, of course, and for whatever reason, he didn't like any of the jobs, even when they wanted to hire him. 

Last week, I applied for a job for him, and the recruiter emailed him, asking to set up an interview immediately.  This was on a FRI.  He didn't reply until SAT, and only because I read his email, and made him do it.

He took the following MON off, and all day, I kept asking him if he heard from the recruiter.  It seemed so odd to me that she wouldn't reply, considering they were very interested in him.  During the week, I asked him about 5 times if he had heard from her, and each time, he told me no. 

Thursday night, I stayed up late to go through his emails, and respond to job alerts, postings, etc.  I sent an email to this recruiter acting as him, saying he was still interested, hadn't heard from her, etc.

Imagine my shock on FRI when I read his emails, and she responded that she had left him a voicemail on MON, never heard back, and the hiring manager is no longer interested.

I confronted him, and he said he didn't want to waste either of their time, when it wasn't a job he wasn't interested in.  !!!!!

This was the final straw for me.  I felt like I have to be the one to handle his job search, and when I set up interviews, he's not only blowing them off, but lying to me about it.  It was a double-whammy lethal blow, in my mind and heart.

I kicked him out - told him he needed to pack some things, and get out, since now that I've caught him lying to me, I can't trust him, and won't have him in my home.  He said I was blowing this out of proportion.

I canceled his credit card (it's my account) and told him he better call his parents to bail him out, as I won't be paying his bills nor housing him any longer.  He truly has no money, and no friends.  I have no idea where he went. but I'm sure he'll figure it out.  At least he hasn't contacted me, which is a relief.

Today, I've been packing his remaining things.

Although I slept horribly last night without him, I feel so unburdened.  It got to the point where he was more of a hassle than a joy.

Okay everyone--reality check here.  DH and I got into a BIG argument this morning.  Here's the deal--we see a marriage counselor on Fridays at 5:30 when he is in town.  We have not been able to see the counselor with any regularity because of how much DH travels for business and we really need it!  So it's been three weeks since we have seen the guy AND YET...  Our oldest son is a JV water polo player (sophomore) and he is really good so this evening the coach put him on the varsity team.  That is huge.  It's at a school about 40 minutes away.  The bus leaves right after school so they have time to get settled and warm up before a 5:30 game.  But...this morning DH says to me that he forgot we have our counselor appointment and he has to cancel because oldest son took a 45 lifeguard shift at the Y (that is his regular job) and then DH is going to drive him out to the water polo game.  DH told him he could do that.  Um, WHAT???  WHAT???  First of all, I would bet that if you don't ride the bus with the team you won't be playing with the team, and secondly--a 45 minute shift?  He only makes $8.00 for an hour--how much can he possibly make in 45 minutes--maybe $4.50 after taxes?  And for DH to get him to a 5:30 game  right at rush hour on a Friday night is going to be darn near impossible.  This school is 40 minutes away in no traffic.  And we will be charged $120 for the missed counselor appointment.  I sat down at the breakfast table with hubby and oldest son and spoke in a really calm neutral voice about how upset I was about this and DH was furious with me.  I got the whole "you are 100% right and I am 100% wrong-you never make mistakes-I am a screw up" speech (which I could pretty much recite right along with him at this point...).  I was standing in the kitchen door at one point and he shoved me out of the way.  Oldest son is now mad at me that I made such a big deal of this and that I upset Daddy because "Daddy can't take it".  Since when is he such a delicate flower???  And what is oldest son thinking, not riding the bus with the team???  The appointment is in our google calendar that I maintain for the family that DH has access to although he rarely gets it right when putting info on it and he doesn't have it on his phone, despite me asking him to put it there and him saying he will.  He says he didn't think to look at the calendar.  Well, then what do we have it for?

And--of course I make mistakes, so how do I respond to that?  Of course I forget things.  Of course I have double-scheduled things and then had to rearrange, so what do I say back to him for this?  Generally speaking, my mistakes don't cost us $120 though.  Are my standards too high not even for an ADHD person but for anyone???  And then he sent this long involved text to the counselor explaining in minute detail every little thing he did wrong in this circumstance and saying three times how it was his fault and how sorry he was.  really???  was that necessary????  what is the point of that other than to look like a poor me victim.  I mean seriously dude--just say we have to cancel, something came up.  My goodness.  So now DH is mad that I made what he thinks is a big deal about a small thing and oldest son is mad that I upset Daddy.  It's going to be a long weekend.  DH leaves on business again on Tuesday morning.  Ugh.  Leave now please....

help--somebody say something helpful--

dana