In my endless quest to accept DH and the way he ACTUALLY is, not the way I WISH him to be, I have been thinking a lot about the stuff that makes me happy and trying to do those things more often. Plus the fact that he travels Monday through Friday means I have a lot of time to do things on my own. The things that make me happy--walking on the lake trail, opera, theater, dinner out, hot yoga, swimming, reading, the story telling at the Irish pub by our house, bumming around downtown (we live about 20 minutes from Michigan Avenue in Chicago), poking around in a book store, spreading out magazines and newspapers in bed and hanging out there with Netflix on after the kids go to bed. None of those things involve DH. How sad is that. How do you have any relationship with so little in common?
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- everything that makes me happy does not include DH. how sad by: dvance 9 years 5 months ago
- Where are the men? by: weightoftheworld 9 years 5 months ago
Based on what little I've read, there are more men with ADHD than women. I guess that makes me a minority, any other men out there? I am really struggling. I have been married for almost 11 years, have a stepdaughter and two sons. We went to counseling last summer because I had threatened to leave if our non-existent, no wait, we did it three times in 2013 (and yes, I kept track!), sex life didn't improve. At the first session, we were talking through some issues and counselor says to my wife, "Have you been tested for ADD?" So there goes anything I was hoping to gain from counseling.
So she got tested, it was confirmed, and she got medication. Since that time a year ago, I have to have more patience, be more understanding, talk MORE, listen MORE, yet all of the same issues persist. I feel like this just gives her an excuse and it's on me to educate myself and be more understanding. Seriously? I already have enough on my plate. I am the breadwinner, I coach my kids sports teams, I can handle all aspects of housework (cooking, cleaning, laundry, you name it...) I don't feel like I should have to make any more accommodations for my wife. We have unfinished home projects (she loves to ALMOST finish painting a room), a mountain of debt, laundry that can't get put away - accumulates in piles throughout the house, dishes that pile up, she can't clean up after herself, we can't drive together to kids games because she can't be ready on time, she naps excessively and ignores the kids.
I have thought about leaving a handful of times. We have had these conversations. The only reason I could come up with to stay, was because of the kids. The more I read, this is not a good reason to stay. So we are trying to make a last ditch attempt to make the marriage work. A new twist is that after wanting sex and not getting it for so long, I'm starting to feel less and less attracted to my wife. She has gained a lot of weight and isn't really working on taking it off. I am physically fit, generally eat pretty healthy and workout almost everyday. I don't feel that is holding up her end of any part of the marriage bargain.
- Husband cheated on me once, says ego rush from women's attention made him do it, need help by: maedi 9 years 5 months ago
Two weeks ago my ADHD husband woke me up at 2 a.m. to tell me that he had cheated on me two days prior. He says that he was very lonely, and he had been feeling this way for a few months – he says he missed me and the way our relationship was before we had our baby (we have an 18-month-old daughter).
He said he didn't tell me because I'm so busy with the baby, and then with trying to spend some time with him after she goes to bed, and he knew I couldn't do anymore than I was doing already. So he started talking to people on some iPhone app, because he felt so lonely. He made plans to meet up with a woman at lunch to just chat. But I know my husband – the thrill he gets when women pay attention to him, especially if they come on to him in a sexual way, is more potent than I'm comfortable with, and I've known this about him for a long time. Attention generally, but sexual attention from women especially, really turns his head. I see it in his eyes – he is just energized by it. We have been together for 18 years, and he has never done more than flirt (non-sexually) and bask in the attention. I've always trusted him to know where the line is. Our relationship has always been very important to him. We both know we have a good thing.
So he meets this girl to chat, and he says that the flirting started to get sexual. And the adrenaline rush, the thrill of it, kicked in. He told her he was married. She said, "why don't we go somewhere more private?", and he agreed – he says that he didn't think anything would happen – it was a game of chicken, he says, the two of them testing each other. Again, I know my husband – he also likes competition, games, playing with risk. He got into her car, and honest to God, he says he had no idea what was going to happen next. Could anything else be more thrilling to an ADHD man (*Sigh*). I think I get it, but I also think he passed the "this is a stupid bad idea" line waaaaaay back. He tells her he's married again, and that they shouldn't be doing this. He told me that he expected *her* to stop it (?????). She says that it'd be better if they sat in the backseat. They do. She asks if she can kiss him, he says no. She starts to give him oral sex, and he says at some point, he told her couldn't do this, tucked Mr. Happy away, and got out of the car.
When he told me this, he started to cry, and said he knew he had put our relationship at risk, that he had done a really stupid thing, and he hoped I could forgive him. He said our family means so much to him, and it kills him that he might have thrown it away. He says he felt so lonely, and so low, and he needed to feel something. He said he knew it was a bad idea while doing it, but he stupidly felt like he was in control the whole time, and that he would never let anything happen. He says he should have stopped it sooner, and I told him he shouldn't have been flirting with strange women at all, virtually or in person. I told him that counselling for him is a must-do, no more fighting me about it (he has resisted seeing a therapist to deal with this ADHD for years). He also told me that he took an STD test, and will be taking them for the next three months, because the doctor he spoke to at the walk-in clinic told him that you actually can catch STDs from unprotected oral sex. And since he had sex with me the evening this happened, I might have to get tested too.
At this point, I feel alternately numb / resigned / furious. I don't know what this says about me, but while I am hurt that he didn't stop it sooner, or even talked to strange women at all, I am not exactly shocked that it happened. Does that even make sense? I feel like as soon as he told me he was meeting a strange woman for coffee whom he chatted with on an iPhone app, I already knew how the story would go. When he gets low, and lonely, and sad, he makes terrible decisions. He said that he usually leans on me to get him through it, but now that we have a family to take care of together, he realizes that he relies on me too much to get him out of his moods.
I feel that because I know him, I can see my way to forgiveness because in 18 years he's never messed up like this. Oh, he's hurt me in other ways, in worse ways maybe, but I could always count on his fidelity. On his realizing, eventually, that what we have built together is a good thing worth fighting for. But that's a certainty I don't have anymore – I feel like some part of him wants our relationship to explode, like he's testing the limits of what I'll put up with as proof of ... my love for him? his worthiness as a person? I just don't know.
I am troubled by the "rush" he says he needs to feel to make him feel better. I understand that after 18 years together, he's probably not going to get that same thrill and high from me, and while my younger self would have been deeply hurt by that, I now understand that long-term relationships have pros and cons like anything else. Familiarity and security are wonderful, but the cost (especially for someone with ADHD) are the brain cocktails they need to feel good – the thrill of risk, impulsivity, sexual newness. I am at a loss for how to deal with the anger I have, that he put our family on the line for a sexual thrill and ego boost – selfish desires. In my head, I scream at him 'why are you so weak? is the ego boost so important to you? what about us?' I know that someone else's mouth was on his penis and I want to vomit. He let it get that far, and I want to kick him and slap his face and humiliate him the way he's humiliated me. But this anger contradicts the faith I have that we can get through this, because he does seem genuinely remorseful, and because after 18 years – I know my husband. But what happens when he gets lonely and low again? Will he have the willpower to avoid chatting with strangers, or will he just succumb because I didn't kick him out?
I know this is long, but I need help. On top of this, I'm trying to take care of my baby daughter. I get through the day ok, and he and I are operating as normally as possible, but I feel like I'm just barely keeping it together. Any advice, please.
- Do ADHD Partners prefer to give up by: Kansasry 9 years 5 months ago
First time here and I am at my wits end.
I have been married to my ADHD husband for almost 2 years now. We were friends for 30 years and engaged for a year. He only recently was diagnosed with ADHD last year and is on medication, though it's not helping.
The once kind, thoughtful, funny and supportive friend slowly started to fade about 6 months into our engagement. Though at the time, I didn't see it as clearly as I do now. His intense focus on me and our relationship and his concern for my happiness no longer seemed to be a concern. He began to ignore me and would be on his phone all night texting and on facebook. He never remembered anything we spoke of, but could retell every detail of his conversations with others. He lost or misplaced everything and flew into a rage when he couldn't find something (I would stop what I was doing to locate the item). We couldn't go anywhere unless I knew how to get there or he'd fly into a rage. He had less interest in going places with me. Our conversations became superficial and the sexual intimacy slowed significantly. He would behave as though I didn't exist. He will openly engage in very sexual flirtation right in front of me, he took no effort to hide his documented flirtations online and with his phone (he also accepts and keeps nude photos from women) and if I can drag him out on a date he won't compliment me but will spend our date pointing out all the women he thinks is hot.
When these things first started, I brought them to his attention. I work in HR so I know how to approach difficult conversation. Each time he would either say "you're crazy!" or actually deny the action or intent. He would assure me that it's just normal flirting and that he would never "Stick my dick in them." When the behavior didn't stop, I would start to get very frustrated and pretty darn angry. His only response would be, "you're crazy, I'm the perfect husband." The only time he relented was if he mentioned my crazy behavior to a friend or coworker and they would tell him that he was so wrong. But then he slides right back into the behavior with in a few weeks or maybe a month.
I begged for counseling, he said he would but never helped look. Then we separated and he said he wanted a divorce. He spent a week blasting horrible posts and messages about how I'm crazy and calling me names and encouraging all hs friends and family to participate and add in their insults as well. (He had done this a few times before but on a smaller scale and said he wouldn't publicly shame me again) After a week he begged to come back and I agreed if we went to counseling. He didn't really apologize or want to make amends to the disrespectful facebook behavior, he only said "I dropped the ball, I get it now."
We went to counseling but he went drunk all but 1 out of 10 times. After every session he had an excuse why he wanted to stop. He never tried anything the consoler suggested and I had to make all the changes, like practicing a whole new way of speaking to him because apparently I bore him or irritate him with too much info--Yes or no was all he wanted to hear. I let go of expectations and never stated I had any, I never asked him to help with household chores anymore as that was something he said made him mad and I stopped asking about the nude photos I kept finding. He did start to give me some compliments and he stopped pointing out the hot chicks while out but that was it.
We hit a rough patch a month ago. My 16 yr old son fell into a depression, which he made fun of on facebook, I became ill and needed a day in the hospital and testing and then a co-worker went out on leave and I had to pick up all her work by working 50 hours a week. My husband was hell bent on getting me to change my mind about my son's issue and I made the only request I had made in 4.5 months, I asked him to respect that I didn't agree and that I didn't want to talk about it while I was juggling all that I was. He lasted 2 hours and was back at it. After hours of arguing, I told him that I couldn't take our marriage anymore and that I wanted out. He flew into a rage and promptly went on to facebook to repeat the public bashing of me. It was so bad this time, I mean ugly, that I started to get calls. I confronted him and he agreed to take it down. But he just started new ones.They were all the sme, he is the perfect husband and he has no idea why I was unhappy. It had to be because I was mentally insane among other disgusting insults and lies (apparently I'm an addict, though I couldn't say to what) and his family and friends were supporting him and bashing me, which he encouraged! Again I was alerted and I told him to leave. He had his son pick him up to where he was yelling the same stuff he put on facebook. mind you, my son was home having to hear his insults and rants and the door was open so the neighbors could hear. I was beyond my boiling point and I did something I regret now. When he left, he had his facebook open. I copied one of his messages from a women he knew that sent a nude photo to him and I posted it on his wall. I left it up for less than a minute and then took it down. He was alerted pretty quickly though and was livid. He spent days defending the message and pic and begged for the girl to forgive him, her only crime was being there for him...
He was gone for 2 weeks and while I was sad I was getting overmuch needed peace. I was 100% ready for a divorce. but he came to get his stuff and begged for one more try. He promised he would go back to counseling and get his own to address his own needs. I know, here is the stupid part, I said yes and with specific parameters: help around the house, I'm no longer his slave, deactivate facebook, no more sexting, more respect, no more face in his phone and counseling. He said yes too all. But after 2 weeks of being home, facebook was back on and he stated he wasn't going to counseling, he didn't need it . He dropped the ball, he sees that now, he knows what to do. He never once said he was sorry for anything, nothing. All he can say is, "I dropped the ball".
It seems to me that he can't focus on anything, unless he wants to, for any serious length of time. And it seems like he has already decided working on our marriage will be too much work. But now that he is home, I can't tell him to leave again but he won't work on us. I feel like he's only back to pay off the credit cards and wait for our lease to expire. We had agreed to stay in our rental home for 4 years and we put a garden in the back. Last night he said he was buying grass seed because that garden was going to only be a one time thing. He sounds like he's given up before he even tried.
I just don't know what to do here.
- Children affected by ADHD spouse's anger by: reneelassi 9 years 5 months ago My husband was diagnosed with ADHD about a month ago. He finally saw a therapist who determined this when I threatened to leave after being fed up with all of his anger and child like behavior. I have a 10 year old boy and 13 year old girl. Both kids dislike being around him, but my daughter really hates him. She has cut herself in the past and had low self esteem. I believe it stems from his anger toward her and lack of being a loving a father. It's taken a toll on all of us. Now that he finally diagnosed he will soon bee prescribed medication, but I feel torn. Should I leave to give my children a healthier household or stick it out to see if the medication improves things.
- Cleaning Day at My House by: kellyj 9 years 5 months ago
today I turn the tables on my bad habits and am going through all my unwanted stuff and getting rid of it. I'm a little pissed off right now after my wife left for a meeting because when she gets back...she isn't going to like the mess I made. What I'm really angry is having to clean up her mess this time but its good anger and I'm motivated with a renewed spirit and full of energy! I'm not afraid if she likes it or not!! It will be alright though because I love it that much.
Sorry...I guess this could have gone in the slug box but I thought putting in under anger was more appropriate....thinking I could use some cleaning help. That's all.
J
- Changing Tack and Communication..... by: kellyj 9 years 5 months ago
prepare to come about.....HARD TO LEE!!!
If you do not sail or have never been on a sail boat....you probably wouldn't have a clue to what this means? Even if you had a vague idea, it still probably wouldn't register until it was too late before being hit on the head and flung into the water with the jib sheet wrapped around your neck. Or, if you were lucky, you might have grabbed a spinnaker fair lead , stanchion guy wire or boom vang before going over the gunwale and overboard. That is unless you grabbed a lee shroud or are standing forward the mast which in that case, you'd have nothing to worry about anyway. That's assuming you weren't flying a spinnaker or running wing on wing of course...which as everyone knows is a completely different story. Technically speaking when running down wind under any sail configuration....you aren't actually changing tack when setting a new course. Still clueless? Of course you are because without a klew, you wouldn't be sailing in the first place since you have to have a klew to have a sail. Everyone knows that !!
These are all concrete terms for parts of a sailboat. Don't ask me where they came up with these names but it is a completely different language. Still, once you know them you will pretty much know where all the parts are on any sailboat no matter where you go or what boat you are on. To the point? So everyone is talking the same language so there is no confusion ever.
I just discovered why ADHD'ers have so much trouble communicating in a concrete way of thinking....because we are concrete thinking challenged and think and speak in abstracts predominately and have a very hard time being concrete at all times!! This is where I discovered communicating with my wife gets so difficult. She is definitely a concrete thinker and I appear to have be almost completely incapacitated when required to think and speak at the same time and be concrete.
However..if I am on a sailboat I do just fine even though everything about sailing is concrete and there is nothing abstract in the language or the terms and what they mean. The conclusion here for people with ADHD.....we need to be concrete when we talk to people unless we don't want them to understand what we are saying. This might be wishful thinking,... but does anyone know how to become better at thinking concretely?
There appears to be plenty of information and learning tools on how to think more abstractly, but very little info on how to be become better at thinking concretely ? ( the other way around of course which without asking...I already can guess the answer lol )
J
- Double shift and cranky spouse :( by: Anonymous (not verified) 9 years 5 months ago
Newbie here, I have looked and read through during hard times but today seems different. I came home from a double stressful shift at work, my ADHD spouse has cabin fever and instead of finding himself something to do waits for me to arrive home. He then gets even more cranky when he realises that he messed up with money AGAIN so we cnt actually go and so anything. All I want to do is come home, relax and have a "normal" evening. I am so tired. Why can't he just occupy himself without needing to have such a big focus on spending money??? Rant over!
- What ADHD husband said last night made me cry. by: dedelight4 9 years 5 months ago
Last night, when we went to bed, my ADHD husband suddenly said something to me "out of the blue", which first surprised me, then made me cry. It made me cry because I had longed to hear those words for over 32 years, and NOW he had come to a realization of something SO important. It was touching, and hurtful at the same time. But, I'm STILL glad he said it. It's so NICE to hear him say things that are REAL, and not "deflection", or denial, or dismissal.
He said. "You know, I never realized how TRULY messed up, I've been all these years". "I thought I was fine, and was even "better" than most husbands, only to find out how wrong and how "messed up" I've been". "I really didn't realize just HOW BAD my thinking and attitudes were". "I feel really bad that you've had to take the brunt of all this crap, and you're still here with me". "I'm sorry I've made life so hard for you, and that I've been so messed up".
It took me a minute to digest what I had just heard, and then I couldn't help the tears. But, for both our sakes, I'm so glad he said what he did.
- New here by: lisa84 9 years 5 months ago
I'm so glad to have found this place. I am 31 yrs old, married and have 3 kids, expecting #4. I just found out this year that I have ADD. I haven't been officially diagnosed yet, as I don't have the money to get seen yet, but I know I would be diagnosed with no problem. I had always dismissed ADD as being a childhood condition that only really existed in people's heads. Then I heard a couple women talking about their ADD symptoms and it caused me to start thinking about it. I did lots of research and now I pretty much have an explanation for my entire child and adulthood. I have always wondered what's wrong with me, why I am so different and never fit in. I also have anxiety and I realize now that I have had it since at least my early teens, but I never knew that what I was experiencing was anxiety and panic attacks. It has kept me from doing so many things I have wanted to do. I always wondered why I never paid attention in school, why I was always daydreaming while people, including family and friends, were talking to me, why I felt like I could never do anything right, why I made such stupid and impulsive mistakes and couldn't seem to do what I knew was the "right" thing. When I graduated HS, I joined the Air Force. My anxiety was so bad that I couldn't imagine going to a college interview and the thought of the whole process scared me, but the military seemed easy. People would just be telling me what to do and that appealed to my need for structure. I served for 8 yrs and I did have some troubles that were caused by my ADD, but nothing too bad. I hated the mundane tasks, though. After having kids, I just wanted to be home with them. Finally, we reached the point where I was able to and my husband agreed, so I separated from the AF to stay home with my two kids and homeschool them. This was my dream, all I wanted! Yet, it was nothing like I thought it would be. I became depressed, I had trouble finding motivation to do the things I had been wanting to do, I could not stay organized or maintain any sense of structure, the mundane tasks around the house became unbearable, every little thing felt like climbing Mt. Everest. I felt like a failure and wondered how this could be what I wanted and I'm still not happy (I now know that this was most likely due to leaving the structure of the military and having to try to create my own structure, something that is extremely difficult for people with ADD).
Things got worse when my oldest child struggled with reading and writing. We went through many programs and many tears before we finally found out he has Dyslexia and ADD. My daughter also has Dyslexia and ADHD. I also now have a 2.5 yr old and, while he's too young to be diagnosed, he definitely has ADHD, without a doubt. He also has a speech delay (the first sign of Dyslexia, *sigh*) and is in speech/occupational therapy. To put the icing on the cake, I am 99.9% sure my husband also has ADHD, though he is adamant that he doesn't have it. We have been married for 11 yrs and it has been nothing but a rollercoster. I feel completely overwhelmed, though things are improving, just with the knowledge of what is going on in our family. I finally have answers! Knowledge is power. I even have answers for my parents and their behavior. The kids are diagnosed now and recently started meds for their ADHD and it has made a WORLD of difference. I can't believe the difference I notice on days that they miss their medication. Between the tutuoring for their dyslexia and the meds, things are finally moving forward and looking positive for them. I still feel overwhelmed and that increased when I found out that we're expecting child #4 (I'm 23 weeks now). I was in denial at first and it makes me feel a little guilty. All I could think is, ANOTHER child that's going to come into this mess and inherit all our problems?! But I know things will work out somehow, I am trying to develop some positive thinking habits because I have been feeling so negative lately. I know what we need, but it's just a matter of getting it. I know I need to be officially diagnosed and start meds, I know we need marital counseling, I know my husband needs to be on meds, too, but I just wish I could get through to him about his problems. He always has an excuse for everything. His job is the reason for his forgetfulness and busyness (he's a workaholic), I'm apparently the reason for his depression and insomnia (even though he's had the insomnia as long as we've known each other and has had a history of depression, but he blames it on me because I'm not affectionate enough), there's always an excuse but he doesn't want to get seen and "drugged". Apparently, I'm the one that needs to change and everything will just magically get better. We both get so distracted in our own worlds and we are both horrible at communicating. Anyways, that's all a discussion for a different topic, but I just wanted to give a view of my life. I'm so desperate for help, that I'm saving every little bit of money I can for me (and hopefully my husband) to get counseling. It seems like everything is stacked against me and my family. I'm still having a hard time coming to terms that I have a lifelong condition that can only be managed, but not cured, and now it has been passed on to my kids for them to struggle with all their lives. I can say that I will do my best to make sure they are well informed and knowledgeable, so hopefully they don't have to go through what their father and I have had to go through all our lives. It sucks, it really does. ADHD is a curse that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.
I am looking forward to reading through the forum here and gaining some wisdom on how to cope with all of this.