Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Frustrated by another non-diagnosis by: Marie448 9 years 11 months ago

    I have been reading these forums over the past few months, as I've been going through several meetings for "neuropsychological assessment", and they have been very enlightening. So, I am here to get some thoughts on what I consider to be a non-diagnosis. One of the reasons I'm frustrated is because this is my second attempt in seeking evaluation; the first was a mess because they had me meet with a child psychologist who basically told me I had "problems" but she didn't think it was adhd - this was after a very poor interview in which she didn't seem to understand anything I said (she kept paraphrasing what I said but got all the details wrong and I had to keep correcting her...like I said, a mess). So it took me 2+ years to work up the nerve to go back to a psychologist. I can't say I "know" I have adhd like some people can. But I do know I have a lot of symptoms and issues that fall directly into that condition - especially for a female, and the inattentive type - and I can't attribute them to any other disorders or health issues. But I'm frustrated because I had the feedback session and I have a 5-page report (well, only the last 2 pages are a summary of the test results - the first 3 being a summary of my personal history and the initial interview), but I don't know what to do with it. Ultimately, the summary states that the test results suggest a "very mild" and "atypical presentation" of attention deficit, but that my profile doesn't suggest the more pervasive issues that are typical with adhd. The report also suggests I have a mood disorder and "emotional factors" which I really disagree with. I have a certain level of frustration in my life that I can trace back to specific things that distract or overwhelm me, but I am not moody or emotional in general - in fact, I have a very stable mood and most people describe me as easy going and level-headed. I'm the type of person that highly moody people are attracted to because I calm them down!

    So, I'm annoyed that the result of all this testing is basically the psychologist saying I should try meditation for my attention problems and see a psychiatrist for my "mood disorder." I have seen this with family members over and over again - doctors focus on all the wrong things, like depression or anxiety or behavioral issues, rather than the single thing that runs like a current beneath all of it - namely, adhd. So they continue to suffer needlessly never getting the right treatment. And now I feel like I'm in the same boat. I do admit that my issues are relatively "very mild" compared to what they could be - compared to some of my friends and family members' "presentations." But it isn't very mild to me! It is significant and a huge hindrance in nearly every thing I do.

    At this point, I'm not sure how to proceed. The psychologist plans to send this report to my primary care physician, but honestly, I don't know what she'll get out of it - I think her question will be like mine, as in what does mild and atypical mean? I could take this to a psychiatrist as they suggested (and go through another several-month-long process), but is it okay for me to take this to a psychiatrist and tell them I think it is wrong? Or, should I just skip forward to a psychiatrist and just not mention this evaluation and approach it like I'm going for evaluation for the first time?

    I am writing a list of questions (and corrections to inaccurate factual info in the report) and plan on mailing it to the psychologist who wrote the report (since I can't email them). I don't plan on saying I think they are outright wrong; I just want to get some clarification and maybe a little more detail in the summary that my PC doctor could actually act upon.

    Has anyone else experienced this? Should I just keep trying until I find someone who seems to have a reasonable understanding of the various shades of adhd, or should I just accept that I have "problems" and not adhd?

  • H has a collection agency constantly taking money out of his check and he doesn't seem to care! by: Anonymous (not verified) 9 years 11 months ago

    My husband has had this collection agency collecting on an unpaid debt for a few years. They will collect for a while and then we won’t hear from them for a few  months or so and then they will start up again. The money comes directly out of his paycheck so he can’t control it. He says it is for some court costs that he never paid dating back to 2000! They didn’t even start collecting on it until 2012 and when I first saw it, it was up to about $6000! We just got another letter in the mail saying they are collecting again. He is at the point where he says “Well it never goes down due to all the interest and it’s a legitimate debt so there isn’t anything I can do about it.” Well they can’t keep collecting all this money due to interest because they only take a set amount every time and then tack on hundreds of dollars of interest. You need to talk to someone about it. Of course he says “Yeah I really do need to talk to someone. I planned on it then forgot.” He is so damn nonchalant about all this money being taken out! There’s nothing I can do about it because it’s not under my name and I have no access to it. He will just let it continue. This last check they took out $600! Tack that on to his $300 a paycheck for CS and another $130 repaying a work loan, he’s losing $1000 a check!

  • Where are his priorities??!! by: Anonymous (not verified) 9 years 11 months ago

    Let me start out by saying my husband's taste in music and mine are opposite spectrums. He likes the heavy metal/rock and I prefer country. Two years ago my husband got 2 tickets to his favorite band Metallica and he planned on taking his daughter. Well he and his daughter had a huge fight and she didn't want to go with him and he couldn't find anyone else to go with him so I told him I'd go with him so he didn't have to waste a ticket. I thought it would be fun to travel by train up to Vancouver and walk around there for the day before the concert. Well I was TOTALLY out of place at the concert! I managed to get through it but I would never do that again.
     
    Then earlier this year for his birthday I got him tickets to see ZZ Top. I think ZZ Top is ok, although it's not a concert I would have chosen to go to. I went and had a good time, yet still didn't know some of the songs. I told him jokingly then "Oh now you need to go to a country concert with me." He goes "Sure I'd go and do that with you. I can blend in anywhere." I said "Oh really, you're serious?" He said "Sure!" Okay so that stuck with me.
     
    He asked me what I wasn't for Xmas and my usual response is nothing. There really isn't anything I want. My birthday is the day after so I told him to just take me out for dinner. he said he planned on it for my birthday but what did I want for Xmas? So yesterday I sit and ponder what I want.  I emailed him several suggestions, all experiences and not things. The top two were a Kenny Chesney or a Keith Urban concert followed by tickets to Mamma Mia, a spa certificate, an art class together and I told him I hoped he would be my date to them. Well I come home and he tells me "So you want to go to a country concert huh?" I said "Yes I do". He says "I would be so uncomfortable there...even more so than you were at Metallica." Whoa! You TOLD me you'd go to a concert like that without issue since I went out of my comfort zone to go to Metallica. Now you are just reneging on the whole thing making it sound like it would be SOOO hard for you when I was very uncomfortable at Metallica. Then he tells me that he'd feel weird at Mamma Mia when he told me no more than a month ago that he'd love to go to that as he knows ABBA songs.

    I go to his motorcycle race days even though I'm bored to tears at them, but he really insists I go to them with him to root him on even though I get ignored by him most of the time. I barely agreed to getting one kitten but now we have 5 of them on top of our two adult ones due to his mom bringing out all 5 of them when we only asked for her to bring a max of two! He tells me all the time how much he appreciates me saying yes to all 5 of them. Now for the next 15-20 years I will never have a moments peace because there will always be a cat somewhere in the house. I am losing my mind right now as they run around everywhere and get into everything. Yet after all I do to make him happy, he can't spend 1/2 a day doing something with me that I like??!!
     
    Sunday night he's online getting gift baskets sent to his mom, stepmom and sister (he has NEVER sent his stepmom or sister a gift before) and paying an extra $10 on for shipping to make sure they get there by Christmas. Yet the box where he's gathering stuff to send to his daughter still sits on our living room floor with some presents still unwrapped and that won't even get sent to her until after Christmas...maybe not even until after New Year's depending on how motivated he is to leave the house to take the box to the post office!. Plus I don't even know if he's going to get me anything at all! Yet my gift to him of $75 slippers sits in the closet wrapped and ready to go. He also asked me if I'd buy him a $200 heater for the garage 2 weeks ago as a Christmas present and I did. 

    His priorities are WAY WAY off! Then if I go "So didn't you get me anything"? he'll go "Well you said you didn't really want anything anyways and you seemed okay with not getting tickets to those concerts."

    So like I said, just don't get me anything. I can go out of my comfort zone for you but you can't do that for me?

  • How to manage without being patronizing by: dvance 9 years 11 months ago

    Here is a question I have not seen addressed here, but my apologies if it has been and I missed it.  IF the non-ADHD person is in fact willing to make ALL the adjustments, have "the right mind set", be able to shoulder the majority of the responsibilities without resentment, how in the world do you treat your spouse like an equal and not in a pitying, patronizing way?  I really struggle wit this.  My DH can manage very little, even medicated, so the bulk of everything in our lives is on me.  How can I think of him as an equal when this is the case?  We are in marriage counseling, he has been in counseling for two years-for what I'm not exactly sure any more because not much seems to be changing.  In 20 years of marriage, here is what I see: married people need to set financial goals, make decisions about parenting/discipling children, make career decisions--those are big things, but we also have a thousand teeny decisions to make every day-dumb stuff like how to spend time on the weekends, what to eat for dinner--stupid stuff that is of no consequence.  If the ADHD person either is too spent at the end of the work day to discuss the big things or too scattered to offer any real input or defers to the non-ADHD person, how is it possible to see them as an equal?  And worse than that, it's very sporadic--sometimes my DH wants to be in on decisions big or small, sometimes he adamantly does not and I have no way to know from situation to situation how he feels until we're in it.  He is extremely passive--is happy to go along with any decision I make regarding finances, the kids, plans-anything.  So while it's nice to be in charge all the time, what in the world do I need a husband for if I am in charge all the time?  When DH moved out for 6 months last year, it was pretty much seamless.  Yes we were upset and out of sorts, but the day to day operations of my house were not affected in the least bit.  How sad is that?  Today we walked into a big department store to look for gloves and I have no idea where they are-I am going to have to ask-and we get into the store and DH and both kids stand there looking at me.  For gods sake can't one of the other three functioning people in this family ask????  Yesterday I was out and my oldest son calls me to talk about a computer purchase he wants to make.  DH was home.  Why not discuss it with him?  This happens all the time.  The two kids will walk by DH sitting on the couch and come find me in the next room to ask a question or talk about something.  How do I treat DH as an equal when this is the case?  I hate the patronizing way I think about him.  He is a 46 year old man for gods sake and my default setting is that he can't handle something or won't finish it.  Three weeks ago I made a list of a few points I wanted to have a family meeting about.  Wrote them down.  DH agreed with them but had nothing more to offer.  I forget what came up, but we didn't get to it that night.  I stuck the card with the list on the bulletin board above my desk.  Nothing more has been said about it.  So again, if I want it to happen, I have to make it happen.  Then what do I need a husband for?  There is not much companionship, not much shared decision making or goal setting-there is me making plans and goals and him saying that's fine and going along.  What support do others get from an ADHD partner?  Because I get very little and wonder why I am putting forth all this effort for precious little return.

     

  • and now I'm punished... by: dvance 9 years 11 months ago

    The unclear communication with an ADHD DH is just unbelievable.  In the past week--listen to some of the things that went on.  DH started a new job literally on Monday.  Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday he was in California for training and then back home to start working Thursday and Friday.  On Thursday he left for his job after I had already left, so I was long gone before he left.  On Thursday night I asked him what time he had to leave for work on Friday.  He tells me same time as this morning.  BUT I wasn't home when he left, so how would I know that.  So I asked him what time that was since I wasn't home and he says about 20 minutes after you.  WHY for the love of PETE can you not just say "I left at 7:30".  How many questions does a normal person have to ask to get a straight answer??  Earlier the last week I was asking him about a check that he had coming from a side job he had done a few weeks ago.  It was being mailed to a contractor who was the GC on the job.  We REALLY need that money and I asked if I could go pick up the check from the contractor if it came while he was out of town.  He says sure.  BUT it turns out the contractor is over an hour away and I don't have that kind of time to drive 2+ hours after work.  That took a few days to be revealed.  A few days later it comes out that this contractor often comes into our actual neighborhood to work and could bring the check with him.  AGAIN...why not offer that information up right away?  Why do I have to fish?  So bizarre.  DH accuses me often of withholding information from him when in reality he just isn't retaining the things I tell him.  Perhaps it's punishment???

      Today we went with our two kids to a German Christmas Market in our town.  DH and younger son stood in the loooong line for a hot pretzel while older son and I went to look at one thing.  And despite virtually all the vendors having signs posted CASH ONLY, I didn't realize DH had none so when he got to the top of the line and I wasn't back yet he had to step out of the line because he had no cash.  WHY wouldn't he ask me for some cash before waiting in that endless line for 15+ minutes???  And then we go into a big department store to look for some gloves for him and DS and we get in the door and all three of them--hubby and both kids just stand there looking at me.  How the heck do I know where anything is?  Can no one else take the initiative to ask someone where the gloves are?  Even as I type these things they sound silly and petty but I am just so tired of being the only one to think more than one step ahead.  And now DH is mad at me for calling his attention to this stuff.  He told me I overreacted to a small thing.  No kidding.  How many times have any of us with ADHD spouses been in a position where we had to cajole/tease/beg/plead the ADHD person to please not be grumpy, please don't ruin the outing/day.  This has happened so many times in my family I cannot even count and the one time I get aggravated because no one but me can a) think to have cash at a cash only place or b) ask for directions in a big store, I am accused of making a big deal out of nothing.  And tonight he got in the shower and went to bed without a word.  So now I am punished.  Seriously--ADHD or a**hole??  You be the judge.  

  • I will not feel guilty, I will not feel guilt. . . . curses I feel guilty by: I'm So Exhausted 9 years 11 months ago

    Yesterday was my niece's wedding.  My spouse indeed remembered to get a haircut, and even took me up on an offer to iron his dress shirt.  

    Most things went well - up until that fateful dance at the reception - you know the one where all married couples are requested out to the dance floor to share a dance with the bride and groom?  And then they start the count down, "Anyone married less than a year, please move to the edge of the dance floor.  Anyone married less that 5 years. . . . .8 years..... 15 years..... 20 years...... etc. till the longest married couple is dancing with the bride and groom.

    As soon as they started that announcement, I went into the bathroom . . . . and stayed there till it was over.  When I got back to my table, my cousin said, "Hey where were you?  I wanted to see you dance?"  That was one dance in which I did not want to participate.  Fake and phony for me.  

    About an hour later, several people asked, " Where is "XXX"?  I sorta just assumed my spouse was talking with someone somewhere - like he usually did at these sort of family functions.  

    After the last dance, I waited as the crowd thinned, and discovered he was no where to be seen.  I got my coat, said my goodbyes, and then went out to the parking lot.  Our vehicle was gone.  I wandered around a bit, and then heard a horn toot.  It was my spouse driving up behind me.

    I got in and asked where he had gone.  He said he had a stomach ache and went to wait in the truck.  Who knows how long he was out there.

    And I am feeling guilty.  This is my problem.  He gets into this wounded puppy routine, and even my own self falls prey to it.  

    A wounded puppy does not make an ideal marriage partner.  

    Trapped in guilt is not a good place to find myself.  

    I can honestly say, there is no one more surprised at that revelation than I am. A 55 year old woman who ducked into the restroom to avoid a situation.  

    Liz

     

     

  • Will it continue for the rest of my life? by: WornOutMB 9 years 11 months ago

    My ADHD husband and I are in the beginning stages of a divorce after  29 years.  We have a 15 year old son.  After two years of trying to get him and us to get some help he left.  The thing is, we still have a minor child.  We need to communicate and be able to work together.  It was very bitter for a while after he left. It has been almost 5 months.  These past two weeks I have seen a difference in him.  He has been calmer, kinder, helpful and cooperative.  He helped me out with a couple of issues I had with my car and we were able to talk about how Christmas would work.  Today I needed to speak with him regarding some things I was looking for in the garage, things I needed for house maintenance.  I call him. He doesn't pick up.  I text him.  He doesn't reply.  My son calls because he was helping me.  My husband gets impatient and yells at him. My son calls him later and he won't answer.  It is so confusing. One day he seems normal, calm and even kind.  The next day he is the total opposite.  Our son has only a little over two years then he will be an adult.  I know legally we won't have shared responsibility but I think of all of the events we will have to share in the future and dread the thought of having to deal with his unpredictable behavior.  Is this strictly ADHD or could there be something else going on?  My son today (without me saying anything) made the comment "What is dad, bipolar?" because he sees how his dad is so different from day to day.

  • I think my husband is ADHD! I need help! by: Pazkez710 9 years 11 months ago
    I have been married to the same man for 10 years, together 12. We have known he had undiagnosed ADHD a child and the last 2 years his symptoms have increased, but, even though I am an RN, I had no idea that they were symptoms of ADHD until today. I read an article and ALL his "issues" can be grouped under that "label" so to speak. Insomnia. Irritibility, Mood Swings, lack of trust, depression, anxiety (which I believe causes his stomach upset, feeling as if he has to have diarrhea, but nothing happens). I want him to go get help. He knows he needs it. He blames his feelings on me because he is a stay at home dad, by necessity, not by choice, and I work midnights. We have 2 boys, ages 6 and 4. He has about 15 projects he has started and not finished and thinks if I could be on a dayshift that this would alleviate his issues and he'd be able to "get things done". He does a great job taking care of the kids and tries to do the chores, but he is almost resentful and thinks I should be contributing to the housework more. I think that if he didn't let the stuff pile up in the first place, we wouldn't have an issue. He says he'll work on it, so do I and then it just goes back to the same. He constantly complains. MOOD is Usually worse in the morning. I tried to show him that treatment would help eliminate a lot of what ails him and he won't go unless insurance will pay for it. Currently have no insurance. I am at a loss and don't know what to do. I work at a busy GM assembly plant health services dept. I am an RN but if I go anywhere else, no dayshift jobs are available usually. I like working nights but have recently been diagnosed with clinical depression and placed on Zoloft. I think I have Work Shift Disorder and lack of Vitamin D (never see the sun), which Depression can be a symptom of. I also have anxiety and take Klonopin. This all started after children and I started having hormonal changes. I want to feel normal and when he expects all these things from me it makes me not want to do anything at all! I am working on me. I am researching other ways to increase Seratonin levels but it takes time and i only have been recently diagnosed (2 weeks). The difference is I am actively doing things to help me, and he is thinking once I am back to where i need to be, that he will be fine. I disagree. Anyway, if anyone can point me in the right direction or comment, share a story, Anything! I feel alone and desperate to keep our family intact.
  • New Here, in a bit of a Crisis by: freshelfpie 9 years 11 months ago

    Not married, but been living with girlfriend (6 years now), she was diagnosed with ADHD in her 30s, we both just turned 50.  Our house has always been chaotic mess with room- and hall-blocking clutter from all of her unfinished "projects". Seriously, the spare bedroom looks like an episode of "Hoarders".  She is treating (some days, she doesn't have insurance so hoards her pills and only takes on days they are most needed), Adderal or Vyvanse.  She sometimes sees county mental health people, but it typically is about ancillary anxiety and depression, not specifically the ADD.   She has been fired from numerous jobs in the past 6 years, always by frustrated bosses who don't get her process and can't deal with her loose relationship to time.  Most recently 6 weeks ago.  Well, she has decided to go into business for herself, which is a short-term financial nightmare for me, since I carry all the household bills, and she now won't even make her half of rent.   Here is the current crisis:  she did not sign a non-compete with her last boss, and has a contact list of about 125 clients from the last job.  I and most of her close friends have been pestering her for six weeks to send out promotional email to these clients.  She was up literally 30 hours, hyperfocused and working on the "perfect" promotional email for 13 hours straight on Wednesday night, involving me for at least 5 or 6 hours, and involving her sister and a close friend for hours as well, both overnight and while the three of us were at work yesterday.  She finally gave up short of clicking "send" on the email blast.  Wasn't "perfect" yet, and her anxiety about undercutting her old boss and about stepping forward as her own boss was playing a big part.   Long story short, this morning I went behind her back, cleaned up the formatting a bit, and sent the email blast out without her permission.  Has anyone here had to finish off a vital project for their spouse and gotten in hot water because of it?  I will at least be sleeping on the couch tonight, maybe in a motel I can't afford.  She won't do this stuff for herself, and won't let me do it for her.  Frustrated and guilty for having done this in secret.
     

  • Really confused and need input by: dedelight4 9 years 11 months ago

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