after years of therapy, and 22 years of bullying and the roller coaster that I've come to learn is ADD without the Hyperactivity component, I convinced my husband that this evaluation and diagnosis could save our marriage.  Additionally, our children are learning to behave like him, and they're just horrible!!  Unfortunately time passed before the appointment, his interested lessened, and he manipulated the situation so that I couldn't go with him.  He came home and said the therapist told him you can't diagnose an adult with ADD if they were not diagnosed as a child.  He said my husband likely has "anxiety issues" and made him an appointment with the psychiatrist for February, 2 months from now!!  He wants to do marriage counseling with us, which we've done with numerous counselors.  I can't do it.  I can't last 2 months, I can't last 2 weeks.  I agreed to give our marriage on last try, because he promised we would go to this appointment together.  I needed this as much or more than he did, it was for us, not him.  I had an apartment lined up and I let it go, I have no trust in him at all.  If this counselor actually told him this, then he must be a quack right?  And if he didn't, then I can't trust my husband and I need to just let him go!  I'm having a horrible time finding a counselor in our area that is familiar with adult ADD, I'm really really frustrated, and absent a diagnosis I'm done.  He asked me what happens if it turns he "doesn't have this" and I told him we're finished.  Absent some explanation, I have to walk away and try to save my sanity before I leap off a bridge.  Who does the diagnosis, and is it true that you can't diagnose an adult who wasn't diagnosed as a child?  Also, is it true that anxiety is treated the same as adult ADD both cognitively and with medication?  Finally, if this guy is a quack, how do I find someone who is not?
 

What I have come to know and understand is a difference in perception of events in my marriage.

I like things neat and tidy - not obsessive - and things put away when they are finished being used.  My spouse likes everything right out where he can find it.  The counter is a landing spot for anything and everything.

The trick is learning to find a way that both partners can feel comfortable.

I get very frustrated by the amounts of stuff in the backyard and oozing out of the barn.  My spouse does  not understand why I am bothered by his stuff.

The trick is learning to find a way that both partners can feel comfortable.

So, we ordered and scheduled the installation of some fencing in our yard so we could at least keep the stuff out of sight..  My spouse later   called and canceled - because he did not feel comfortable with spending money.  In this situation, I am unable to say both of us need to feel comfortable with that.  It was important to me.  I picked it, I scheduled it. He agreed.  Then took over.  I feel disrespected and controlled.

I believe it is important to share problems when they come up.  My spouse believes if he didn't set out to hurt my feelings or upset me - there is nothing to discuss.

The trick is learning to find a way that both partners can feel comfortable.  In this I really do not think I need to learn to accept his behavior as acceptable.

I think we need to list our household responsibilities and share them.  My spouse doesn't like chores Here is a judgment by Liz  - I think he is very old fashioned in his actions and thought patterns.

The trick is learning to find a way that both partners can feel comfortable.  Funny thing, if we separate, he will have to do all his own stuff anyway.  

I think it is disrespectful to our possessions to sit on furniture in the living room with dirty/muddy/greasy clothes.  My spouse thinks if you worked all day and are tired, who cares.

The trick is learning to find a way that both partners can feel comfortable.

I am frustrated that my spouse leaves all his clothes, clean and dirty, in baskets in the basement where we do laundry.  He took over all  open space we had.  My spouse doesn't want to put his clothes away in the closet or the dresser.

The trick is learning to find a way that both partners can feel comfortable.

My spouse will share with me some really great idea he got from someone and explain with excitement how he is going to put into practice - the exact same thing that I had been suggesting for years.  A very common event that happens marriages - both ADHD and Non - across the nations - but it still burns my butt.

I would like a common schedule that we all could follow - at least basic things like dinner times, times to turn off the TV, Saturday and Sunday time sharing, bathroom use.  My spouse is very easy-going and does what he wants when he want.  Usually on a whim.

The trick is learning to find a way that both partners can feel comfortable.

I think he is rude to other in our family.  He thinks he is upfront with his opinions.

I need to learn how to not make his behavior a reflection of me and our marriage.  And understand why he can be rude to others, yet gets VERY offended and often ends relationships if someone says something that offends him.

I do not know how to justify in my brain that he can 'dish it out' but 'he can't take it.'

I think we need to discuss and resolve some unfinished matters. It is small relevance to hear him say, "I am sorry" because he is told he is supposed to say it.  It adds insultto injury when he will follow up with telling me he knows he is right.  

We used to be able to attend family parties together.  Now my spouse does not like to go because he doesn't want to be around So-and-So,,, which is an ever growing list.

I need to learn how to be Liz, and not a couple.  

I started out in counseling because I felt I got lost in our relationship.  My opinions only mattered if my spouse agreed with them. He would get mad if he didn't get his way, since his way was the right way, and mine made no sense to him.  I felt very controlled by his anger.  

I am learning to be self reliant.  I still do the administration of his construction business since everything we have - including our debt - is tied up together.  I feel we both have a lot to do.  He feels he does the lion's share, "I do not have a job that pays any income" - and in comments like that he shows no value in the work I do  for his business.   Funny thing, if we separate, he will have to do all his own paperwork, or hire a bookkeeper.

I had hoped we would find a way to work things out together.  He is shutting himself off from me and our families.  I thought he was angry.  Now, he is also a bully.  "I am the man of the house, I need to proclaim my rightful place."  

I continue to take college classes.  I continue to apply for jobs.  I do not have any plans to get a job to pool our finances.  I plan to find a job so I can support myself, and start a new life. 

I thought counseling would fix my marriage.  It has surely helped me see that if someone does not want to address how they may be adding to the problem - things will never get better.  Oh, unless I revert to my behavior 5 years ago, and let him be right, back down from everything, and throw in the towel on being seen, heard or respected in a way that I need.   

Our relationship is not about who is right and who is wrong.  It is about acceptance and honor and working things out together.  I don't have that, and it is just not acceptable any more.  Doesn't make my spouse bad - it just makes him someone I do not want to be close to or with whom I enjoy spending time.  

Liz

H has been happy lately. Going to his job on a regular basis, in a good mood when I get home every night, talkative. He's been working with people he likes. He said his partner is awesome, his lead is awesome, but yet he wants to switch over to 2nd shift come Feb. He said he wants something new and it's to the point where he can't let others bring him down and just go into work and do his job. So he's really liked his partner and has said he's going through some rough times and he wants to help him out. Okay great.

Well yesterday I knew something was up before I got home just by the subtle things I found. I still check his clocking history on his work website to see when he gets in and when he leaves. Yesterday he clocked out an hour early. I figured he was either tired or sick or was upset with a coworker. An hour later he was on Facebook so I messaged him "Are you working OT?" which I knew he wasn't because I saw he clocked out earlier but I wanted to see his reasoning since he said he was going to work extra. He simply replied with "no". No reason why and no elaboration and no tellign me he was already home. Then he logged off. Another red flag that something was wrong. I get home and I see that the outside Christmas lights aren't plugged in, He has had them plugged in every night I've come home. Another red flag. I walk through the door and rather than get my usual happy "Hi Honey" and a kiss I get "Oh it's you". Big red flag. The litter box, which he promised he'd scrape every day he got home, wasn't scraped and he barely talked to me. I finally say "Have a good day?" and he goes "No. The job didn't get started until later and my partner was in la-la land all day and we made a mistake." Okay. You JUST told me the night before that you have to stop coworkers ruining your mood then you come home and rant about how it all went wrong. You had 4 hours to get this to of your system before I got home, yet here you are making me feel crappy because things didn't go quite right.

I hate the fact that I always come home in a good mood and my good mood continuing depends on his mood. If he's upset, I get quiet and withdrawn. If he's in a good mood, then we have a good night. He made himself a plate of food last night and didn't even ask me if I wanted anything. I didn't eat because I was too upset with his mood. He seemed fine later on but I am afraid he is going to get into a funk again. We have my company Xmas party tomorrow night and it wouldn't surprise me if he comes home tomorrow and goes "I'm tired. Do you mind just going by yourself?" Yes I mind! You've known about this for over a month and you've been excited about it and now you are backing out. He dos this all the time.

Hi all,

I am new to the site and its forums.  I have been with my ADHD husband since 1995 -- we married in 2001.  I can take his moods, his disorganization, forgetfulness -- I have learned to cope.  He is a good man underneath it all.  What I am exhausted with is his lack of self-worth due to the fact that he makes no money.  I make enough money -- not a ton, mind you -- but enough for us to have what we need.  I have told him repeatedly that I do not care if he is a stay-at-home dad to our 11 year old.  However, he does not want that for himself.  So, for years he has struggled as an "artist" who makes absolutely no money unless he is asked to teach a class somewhere.  I have wasted countless dollars on art shows (they are very expensive to apply for, pay fees for, travel to and from, etc.), his website, rent on workspaces, materials, etc.  About two years ago -- I cut him off.  No more money for the art career -- not when it comes at the sacrifice of things my son needs or our ability to have a few extras in life (like going to visit my parents).  It was hard -- he was at home all day, depressed, constantly bitter and angry, and spent countless hours playing Call of Duty and basically just messing up the house all day.  We recently moved to a new city (so that I could take a new job), and he asked for another chance.  So, I am paying 425.00 a month to rent an art studio, plus gas for him to drive back and forth to the arts district (it's about 20 minutes away), and art supplies and materials.  Four months later -- zilch.  He has not followed through on contacting local art associations, not tried to set up any classes at local venues (except one, which he poo-pooed because they wouldn't pay him what he thinks he is worth, and he only went to that one because I set up the appointment), has not updated his website, not even tried to get into any local arts or crafts markets -- nothing.  Yet, he goes to his studio every day and "works so hard."  And I know he does -- because he is hyper-focused on the art and that is what he wants to do.  He doesn't want to deal with the other aspects of marketing himself.

I'm not looking for him to make a fortune.  I have told him that all I want his for him to be able to cover his rent and expenses -- just to stop sucking money out of the household budget.  But more than that -- I can't deal with the constant monologuing about how no one recognizes his talent, how he needs to find ways to get "cash flow," all his angst and poison regarding how he is unsuccessful and will die a failure (he is 55).  It is exhausting -- I hear about it multiple times a day until I sometimes just have to walk away and tell him, "I love you, but I just can't talk about this right now" (not that I am doing any talking). He cries.  He doesn't sleep.  And worse -- refuses to get any help, even from me.  He is untreated, by the way, and refuses any medication due to bad experiences in the past with it.

I wish he could (or would) get a regular job (part-time would be fine), but he always gets fired because he has trouble getting along with people and completing tasks.  He hasn't had a "real job" for more than four or five months the entire time I have known him.  I just think that doing work somewhere and doing it well and being around other people would make him feel better.  He does very well when he teaches art classes.

I just don't know how much longer I can subject myself and my son to someone who is constantly bitter, angry, and upset over his "lack of recognition" (his words).  The holidays are a nightmare, because he feels so bad about the fact that he can't buy gifts that he takes it out on us -- the very people he wants to buy gifts for.  This has been going on for nearly twenty years.  Has anyone ever seen an ADHD spouse pull themselves out of this kind of situation?