I am a married < 3yrs, 41yo male recently-diagnosed with ADD:Primarily Inattentive. My non-ADHD wife and I are miserable. The dynamic I describe below is now one of our most common causes of conflict and a serious barrier to effective management of ADHD in our relationship.  I'm a long-time lurker here, and am looking for any insight the wonderful people of this forum, especially the non-ADHD spouses, may have to offer.

Although related to shame; this issue is more specific to the erosion of trust in my relationship and the struggle to rebuild it. A life of adaptation to ADD and an unforgiving and violent father who wants the right answer yesterday, means that I have developed an insidious habit of impulsive speech including the making of excuses when asked questions where I either:

1. Don't know the answer in 1 second.
2. Know the answer but believe it will get me into trouble or put me under suspicion.
3. Didn't hear the question well enough to answer it correctly.

The problem I'm having is that when I am honest, my wife is so jaded from past experiences that she doesn't trust me. To her, every reason that is inconvenient for her to believe is an excuse. In her mind, I'm always avoiding responsibility. There seems to be no convincing her otherwise. I can't even get her to understand the difference between a reason and an excuse.

Last Friday: The two front tires on her car need to be replaced, one of which was nearly bald. We are at a restaurant, discussing our plans for the coming days. We discussed a few options for getting the tires replaced. We settle on dropping her car off at the dealership before we head to out of town on Saturday and picking it up on our return trip, Sunday evening.  During this conversation, I didn't mention that I was off-work Wed and Thu of next week and could, if she liked, take the car in myself to have the tires replaced while she was at work. 

My wife is furious that I didn't bring this option up in conversation. She believes it's evidence of my:
1) Not knowing my schedule (irresponsible) and
2) Not stepping up to help her plan our week (uncaring)

What I told her: I wanted to get them replaced sooner rather than later because it had been raining a lot lately and I was concerned about her safety. In fact she complained about hydroplaning while driving last week. That's why I didn't even think to do it next week. I also just wanted to get it done.  This is the truth, as and ADDer I don't put anything off I don't have to, ever.  I'm terrified of forgetting things and like to get things off my to-do list ASAP.

She is convinced this is an excuse used by me to avoid responsibility for:
1) Not knowing my schedule (poor planning)
2) Not offering to do it next week when I was off work (selfish)
3) Not wanting to do it (laziness)
4) Not "stepping up" to help her plan our week (apathetic, un-manly)

Of course the act of making the excuse itself is my avoiding responsibility for:
5) Not telling the truth (liar)

Yet, my schedule has been in our calendar for two weeks. I do things for my wife daily, all manner of cleaning and chores; I have no issues with doing errands or other tasks to help out. I have to be honest that I certainly don't want to do it...but that's life, you help out and do things you don't want to. Lastly, I did help her plan the week, it's just not the plan she wanted. In a sense she's accusing me after the fact by asking why I didn't I tell her I had those days off and offer to do it because she didn't want to do it this weekend? I'm in trouble for not thinking to offer to do it the next week when she gave me no indication that this weekend wasn't what she wanted.  When I ask her how would I know that she didn't want to do it this weekend if she doesn't tell me or look at the schedule, she replies that it's common sens eand I have none.

And when I say I get in-trouble for these situations I mean, she stopped her morning routine to take a strip out of me for it in the house. Later argued again about it at the car, then put her car into reverse when driving away, stopped, got out and came back to call me stupid, an asshole, fuck you, etc. before getting back into her car and driving off.

How could I have done this better? How do I get her to know that I'm being honest with her?

Thanks to you all!

I read the author's blog post : " How to Find Gratitude in a Struggling ADHD-Impacted Relationship"  Being the non-ADHD partner in my marriage, I have searched out what I can do to make my marriage thrive.  I have swallowed my pride more times than I ever thought I could, and put on the cloak of "It must be me."  I have been given "what for", and did not fight back, thinking maybe sitting in the posture of "she who made the mistake" would help the situation turn around.  "She who could learn a different way to act."  "She who could learn a different was to respond."  "She who could learn - SOMETHING!"   I have found my own limitations.  I am not that strong.  Even as a Christian, I was holding tight to the following : "So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up."

ADHD or not, a person can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

ADHD or not, concerns are always easier to swallow when they are sandwiched between compliments.

ADHD or not, carrots work far better than sticks.

Based on my own life's experiences, my spouse could very easily be among the number of "I cannot count the number of times an ADHD partner has said to me 'I just am never good enough for my partner.'  Because criticism, rather than appreciation, is the most common comment they hear about what they do. "  What I see in our marriage is the probability that 50 compliments slide right off my spouse's radar, but one area of concern becomes a monster that is stuck like Velcro to the foremost part of his being.  And while it is stuck there, it inflates to obscure anything else going on in our lives.    

My goal for my marriage is to determine if the only choice I have is "I must not voice a disappointment, I must not raise a concern, I must coddle, coddle, coddle, because that is all he can deal with in life,  or he will crumple into a ball of sobs."  That rips out my soul.  After such determination to understand it, I have also grown immune to being affected by it.  After years of various forms of counseling, I see it as a very effective defense mechanism.  It stops all progress.  Right in its tracks.  At least for me, it stops all progress in getting any where near the acknowledgement I need as a human being when I voice my emotional response to something painful.  Or disappointing.  

These sort of things are just not conducive behaviors in the enrichment of a marriage relationship.  If the bottom line is "Well dear heart, he cannot hear you, he cannot bear to say he made a mistake, he cannot do anything but what he wants, when he wants, and how he wants it done."  That I can accept.  That I can deal with.  In as much as that is who he is as a man.  Who he is as a human.  

Yet, in my sensibility, those are not what makes for a healthy marriage relationship.  I cannot cure what is on the other side.  I can only step back and work with what is on my side.

 "The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt. - G.K. Chesterton"

​Liz

I guess I'm looking for someone to talk to, someone who has been, or is, experiencing a situation similar to me.  Someone objective, a sounding board, who would be willing to be a friend.  I see a lot of descriptions on the boards that sound a lot like me but with one major point of difference from a lot of them, my husband is not hurtful or mean and I know he loves me and wants me to be happy.  However, his habits and characteristics are really grating on me lately, making me want to pull my hair out and seriously pushing me to contemplate whether I've fallen out of love.  Which is upsetting.   He doesn't know I'm so frustrated with him.  He knows I've been unhappy, but I've been off my meds so he tolerates my moods (I'm sure) with that being the reason he tells himself.  I know that I need to change something.  The way I approach him, what I say and what I don't say, how I react, how I cope, but I don't even know how to start.  I feel like instead of my partner he is my ward.  That I am his handler, and if I want something done a certain way I have to construct methods to direct him around it, and that I can't expect anything from him, including a consistent level of responsibility, but we've been together for 17 years and handling everything from bills and finance to hiring plumbers and scheduling vet appointments is really exhausting.  And the little things I can't count on wear me thin.  He responds to every criticism, even offered good naturedly as a suggestion or request, as an assault on his character and he's really good at filling the role of a victim of all the world's injustices. Talk about the melodrama.  I know I need to focus on myself.  I keep thinking "be the change you want to see" but like I said I don't know where to start and I'm feeling pretty depressed.  I feel like a need a sponsor.

H has been working OT for the past couple of weeks. He hasn't worked the weekends but has been working an extra 2-4 hours a day. I told him a month ago about our Christmas Party which he said he couldn't wait for. I told him again about it last Thursday when we got the details on it. I told him on Monday night that I signed us up. Each of these times I told him it was on Friday Dec. 12. He went "This is going to be an awesome time". I said "It WILL be fun. Just be sure not to work OT that Friday or that weekend". He said "You got it". Last night when I get home he tells me that he's not working this weekend but next weekend for sure. I sighed and told him "I told you not to work next weekend because we will be out late on Friday for the party." He goes "Uh oh". I said "Is it mandatory that you work next weekend?" and he said "Pretty much." They can't MAKE you work a weekend! Just tell them something else came up. He says "Oh I'll just take it easy at the party.If we are home by 11PM I'll just have to sleep fast and be up by 2AM and suck it up" No you won't! You NEVER take it easy at parties. You can't help yourself but drink.Plus there is no way you are going to be up 3 hours later. Just tell them now you can't make it. I don't want this party to be ruined by you wanting to leave early or getting upset that we are out too long. We'll be on a boat for the last 3 hours of it so there's no leaving that!