Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • What does a life change look like by: I'm So Exhausted 9 years 11 months ago

    After 5 years, I have a step by step plan in place to coincide with getting my college degree in December 2015.  There are many parameters that will need adjusting as time passes - as no one knows what tomorrow will actually bring.  

    Yes it is a one year plan.   It is not my dream plan, it is my looking-reality-squarely-in-the-face-plan.

    Step one is:  acquire a full-time job.  The financial aspect of my marriage is all tied up in debt - if we sold all we have, and paid off our debt - we would both have nothing.  That would not be wisdom for either of us.  What we have is manageable debt - meaning we are not late or behind - we have excellent credit scores - but we have no wiggle room to do anything but pay debt or acquire more debt.  We have no emergency fund nor savings account nor retirement account.  

    Step two is determine living arrangements.  How I am living is miserable.  I cannot count on anything being cleaned, or picked up or done by anyone else, unless on a whim.  There is no comfort in that.  I have no place to escape for privacy - except the bedroom.  

    My goal all along had been to figure out how to re-negotiate our marriage.  Right now, after the tirade my spouse had the other day, I am in all honesty no longer willing - until/unless I hear him approach the idea with proof  to me that he has his ADHD under control enough so:

    • that he is reliable in our relationship
    • that he is more than 90% on time
    • able to complete what he says
    • able to remember what he should be doing
    • able to communicate with you when he isn't going to do something before it becomes a crisis
    • has the anger in check, etc etc etc  

    This would also include some sort of plan to let him know when his behavior is out of kilter.  Right now it is all-or-nothing for him. I will focus on me and walking into single life.  I do not know if he will ever choose to look at reality and want to learn to communicate and agree to disagree and let other people's opinions be just that - their's.  Opinions of others - me included - touch some internal nerve mechanism that gets those defensive walls firmly in place - and they are impenetrable.  

    It is hard to get off my less-than-desirable stance.  It has in actuality become unbearable to live in the house with an angry man.  True, we have not had but one or two disagreements in several months, but that is based on my actions of saying nothing that would stir him up, and being indifferent.  He sleeps in a different room - which has benefits of me getting peaceful sleep sans snoring and twitching and moving around all night.  He does his own laundry.  He keeps all his clothes in the basement in baskets.  Frustrating  since we have dressers and closets.  But a hassle not worth the battle.   

    Once I find full-time employment, then I will no longer do the  bookkeeping for his construction business.

    The outcome right now is not good. His stuff and disorganization make him angry if we try to make a boundary of personal space.  "Let him be angry about it...and hold the line about his stuff encroaching on your space.  It is not a good outcome to have his disorganization ruin not only his own business, but also ours" . He is encroaching on all my space.  That is making me angry.  It is a constant battle - I quit.

    I am looking at me.  How do I make an  "I" statement out of this:  Living with an angry man, who is disorganized, and cannot comply/follow/agree to any sort of accountability for his fair share of responsibility - both in chores and finances -  is not a way I want to live any longer.  

     

  • Why do you stay? by: Best2You 9 years 11 months ago

    After reading so many stories of unhappy, angry, depressed, disillusioned spouses who are still with their ADHD partner I can't help but wonder why do you stay? Why not just leave and start over? Is it money, fear, your vows, the children, or that deep inside you still have hope things will change? How long have you been dealing with the ADHD issues, why have you stayed this long? Hope to understand why we hang on ...

    Best2You

  • All I want for Christmas by: Tired-to-my-bones 9 years 11 months ago

    Dear Santa

    I've been an awfully good girl for  nearly 55 years. I haven't been greedy. I have worked hard and have a good job. I have looked after my parents and raised a child. I have been (in the main) polite in the most taxing of circumstances.I have waited and waited for things to get better. I haven't asked for impossible things. I haven't expected impossible things.

    However, just this once I am making a very special list for you.

    I would like for Christmas:

    - a visibility cloak    so that I can be seen

    - a pair of ears       so that I can be heard

    - some strong arms      so that I can be held

    - a new heart         because mine is pretty battered and rusted up

    - a new bag of patience    because mine has worn thin

    - a sachet of vim and vigour    because I've run very low

    - an optimism transplant    I know this last one is hard to track down, but I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep growing my own

    If you have run out of these things, that's ok. I understand.  But if that is the case, can I ask instead for one of those black wand things that Will Smith waves in front of people in Men in Black to erase their memories? 

    Oh, and a frying pan for those special moments when words just don't get through

    Thank you for reading this Santa. I know you are very busy at this time of year. I wish you and Mrs Santa a very Merry Christmas.

     

  • How to tell husband we need to separate? by: Best2You 9 years 11 months ago

    This year I found out I have ADD and I'm 99% positive my husband has ADHD. I understand our 15+ years together now more than ever. I don't have resentment, but I do not have hope that things will change with a simple request/nag from me for him to work on these things. He does not really believe in the disorder and denies having it, or says if he does his symptoms are under control (not true).

    While I still love him and we've built a lot of amazing memories over the years, and have our two kids, I realize I've put blinders on most of the time (maybe my ADD makes me forget things too fast?!). I've ignored his lack of helping with house chores, starting but not finishing projects, low income; hyperfocusing on computer, games and other things; preferring other things to making love; and what I hate the most, his daily angry outbursts at all sorts of minor frustrations, but most worrisome, at our kids. I cannot just keep ignoring.

    I have learned a lot about my ADD, I accept I have it and I'm looking for ways to improve. But he is VERY stubborn. Says everyone has their personality, not everyone can be like me and I should accept him as he is. I've accepted his ways for 15+ years, but with kids 6 and 3, not so sure I'm just willing to put my blinders on anymore. I love him, but he needs to accept these issues and work on them.

    I want to tell him to move out to work on getting a diagnosis and treatment and he will probably be shocked. I want to make it clear to him that I don't hate EVERYTHING about him. If you remove all the ADHD (and possible ODD) chaos, he is the person I am in love with, laugh with and enjoy being around with, supportive of our children, a loving father. But all this time I keep reminding myself of the good/nice, while completely dismissing/downplaying the bad. But the bad hurts when it happens and I cannot just put it away in a trunk anymore and fear that things may be getting worse.

    WHAT should I tell him, HOW should I tell him about this? I'm better at writing, than actually TALKING about these things. I choke up and need time to think through questions which I'm sure he will have. Please help!

  • I'm not alone by: Aircontrol 9 years 11 months ago

    I found this forum this morning, after searching the internet for answers or for a hopeful discovery that I wasn't alone. My husband has severed ADHD and it's worn on my last nerve. The history and path of destruction is so long that I can't get into it in one post. Current history is that he is self employed, does a good job in his field, but scheduling, customer service, billing and basic living falls apart. I left my full time job to pick up the slack. He makes terrible decisions that have led us to financial ruin. I've wanted to jump ship for so long but because I live in a family home, I cannot sell it. Because the family home was put together by him, it's been unfinished for over a decade and has serious issues I cannot afford to fix on my own. Utility bills because of all this are way too much for me to deal with alone. My credit is horrendous. I feel truly stuck. In the meantime I have to keep his business supported because it's our income. I feel like I've been unloved for nearly the entire time we've been together and we have two children. He bounces through life with no thought of consequence. He stresses out only when he has to face the consequence, not in the early stages when the situation can be saved. I carry all the stress and guilt for family, home and business. I am exhausted and broken down. 

     

  • Hoping for it to get better someday by: add 9 years 11 months ago

    I think one of the most difficult things to come to terms with after a long term marriage affected by ADD ends is when the non-ADD spouse for years did so much alone, kids, house, etc, etc, etc but then it's the ADD spouse that leaves the marriage.  So many years of them saying it was me when it was really the ADD.  The loneliness is sometimes unbearable.  Over four years later and it still hurts every single day.  

  • Feeling "unloved" vs. Having "love" that is worthless by: Mrs_J 9 years 11 months ago

    Hi, I've been lurking here for almost 3 years, but this is my first time posting. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, but his parents didn't pursue any treatment. He is now in his late 40s and was re-diagnosed in 2012. He has sporadically pursued treatment since then, but that only happens when I tell him that I just can't taking living with him and that I want a divorce. This last time, I reinforced my words with actions: I've moved into the guest room, separated our bank accounts, and informed him that I plan to file for a no-fault divorce in 18 months. He says he "loves" me and wants to work on our marriage. He is currently taking 10mg of Focalin a day (but I never see any difference between how he is when he takes meds and how he is when he does not). He been seeing a behavioral therapist once a week since the end of September to work on strategies to better manage his ADHD, but I doubt he'll ever really be able to control his more troubling behavior because he's oblivious when he's doing it and if I point it out to him, then I'm just "criticizing." I've read so many articles about how non-ADHD spouses "feel unloved" because the ADHD spouses don't pay attention to them, but I was wondering if there were others, like me, out there who don't doubt their partner's love as much as they find their partner's love feels meaningless or worthless. We've begun working with a marriage counselor recently, but I don't know if it's really worth doing if this is how I feel. Has anyone else gotten to this point and been able to get back to finding meaning and/or worth in their partner's "love"?

  • Need advice for a woman suffering from ADHD by: -Colt40 9 years 11 months ago

    Hello , I was wondering if i could receive some unbiased advice, I have been dating my girlfriend for an entire year, I am having some doubts about our relationship however and was wondering if someone could share some insight on the matter with me. I met my girlfriend a year ago. I fell in love with her kindness, her loving demeanour, her caring qualities and her physical beauty, she is absolutley gorgeous. She told me she was diagnosed with ADHD at a young age but i didn't pay much attention to it.

     

    Two weeks into our friendship before we even started dating she was sending me love songs, and telling me she didn't want to "lose me" because she revealed some mistakes in her past which i agreed to overlook and put behind us. Well she was very romantic and was extremely affectionate very early on in our relationship. She was very focused on me and it was like i was her priority. She would text me first thing in the morning, text me on my breaks at work, text me at lunch, call me after work, and text me all evening. I didn't mind i just passed it off as her being very affectionate. After 2 months and only seeing each other maybe once a week she said i was the guy she knew she wanted to marry. Again she would always fantasize about our life together, saying all the things we would do and all the places we would travel to see. She still lived at home being only 19,  ( im 22) and whenever i visited her room it would be a mess, her dad would constantly be getting on her to clean her room and do household chores, he would interrupt our conversations on the phone to tell her things she needed to do. One time i came to her house to assemble furniture for her, and the entire time all she was doing was hanging off me and kissing me while i tried to work. It was frustrating as i was trying to do things for her and yet all she was focused on was me and displaying affection.

    The doubts that i am having is whether or not she is a motivated person in life or whether she lives in a fantasy world. When we started dating she didn't have a job and she didn't receive her high school diploma because she failed English 12. I looked past these things, knowing how much potential she had and didn't want it to affect my viewpoint of her, I encouraged her to take evening courses to graduate, and to think about a career. She didn't know what she wanted to do in life, although she said she loved children but didn't want to take the long classes that were required for a diploma. So i suggested a dental hygienist, which she happily agreed about. So she took biology 12 because she needed this to gain entrance to the college course as a prerequisite and English 12. It was a 6 week long course from2 pm -6pm. During those 6 weeks she missed five days. I learnt she wasn't doing good in the course, she was constantly failing tests. While at school she was constantly texting me , i told her i was concerned that she focus on the class and was amazed she was doing this during class but she reassured me the teacher was " ok with it". Well after those six weeks were over she told me that she failed the biology course and just passed English.

    I was in disbelief that she obviously didn't take it seriously. One of her friends recently told me she was in and out of relationships from the time she was 15 until she met me and was known by people as a " guy hopper" . I asked about some of her past relationships. One in particular she said was an abusive relationship, where her ex suffered from mental issues. He would call her up and start crying and she would talk to him on the phone for hours, trying to comfort him. I asked why she would stay with someone like that and she said because she felt thats what she needed to do "in order to get the guy" even though she knew she would be settling, and because she is a kind and loving person she wanted to nurture him. I am concerned at this point because i don't want our relationship to go on any longer if she is not good marriage material at this moment in her life. I am concerned because she doesn't know how to cook or clean after herself, but she insists when we are married she will do all these things. She doesn't have a drivers license and has no desire to get one.

    i am also worried because she can move in and out of relationships so quickly that she may think she loves me, but its only the love  of being in a relationship and not for who i am , and that after we are married, she will become a different person. I heard that lot of people have amazingly affectionate courtships , but this doesn't last into the marriage after the hyper focus wears off. She is the most romantic, loving, caring person i have ever met, but i'm not sure if she is one way around me and a different way around others, as she doesn't have many friends and the ones she does have are guys who are or were at one time interested in her romantically.

    My biggest fear is her telling me what i want to her and focusing on a fantasy of life with me, instead of thinking in realistic terms, and she will forever be in a fantasy. I love this girl so much, but i am greatly worried. To further support my fears is her families history of mental illness. Her grandma has bi polar disorder, her brother has  social anxiety disorder as well as anger problems. her sister has a eating disorder and a social anxiety disorder. her parents both suffer from depression and take medication to deal with it. I do love her , and i want to know if anyone seems a similarity with my situation and theirs or possibly to someone they know. i don't want to marry her and make the wrong decision regretting it for the rest of my life. Another one of my concerns is she would do things in past relationships even though she didn't want to " in order to get the guy", i'm wondering if our relationship is based on the same principle.

    She told me she wanted children when i first met her and how she wanted a career with children. After three months into the relationship i confessed to her that i didn't want children, she didn't argue or put up a fight in anyway , not even so much as to say well in the future could we talk about it to see if our circumstances change, no instead she agreed not to have any! I find that also very confusing adding to my doubts. Please offer me some unbiased advice!

  • im free by: lovehurtsalotwi... 9 years 11 months ago

    After 3 long hard painful exhausting years with my ADHD husband we have been separated and divorced for over 9 months now..i have gained back my sanity and my freedom to live...i have post in here from since 2011/2013...Checking back on my history forums those of whom is not familiar with my post could look back and know how i have suffered tremendously through my marriage ...and those of you who are familiar with my post will me thanking the heavens above...i am relaxed free and my future is looking bright...i would like to thank all of my supporters for helping me through those years cause even though my marriage and life seemed empty i always had my family right here to help me...

    thank you very much..

    love....lovehurts....

  • Leave him NOW or stay? by: Best2You 9 years 11 months ago

    Please help. I am considering divorce and need your honest advise!!! I’ve been married for 11+ years but have been with my husband for 15+ years. I have experienced things that you discuss here like the financial troubles, feeling unsupported at home, etc,. but we've also been much in love, very close, and have supported each other emotionally in tough times.

    The main thing I’ve never liked about him are his angry outbursts/frustration. He’s always had them, but I figured I would put up since most things were good between us. They began to really bother me when we first had our kids though, (now 6 and 3) and they are slowly getting worse... major overreactions to simple things like spilled water, hard time dealing with their crying/tantrums/demands at times, yelling, swear words (at the incident, not at them) etc some times, they don’t last long, but the lashing out hurts and he seems to forget it soon after it happens.

    I thought he had to develop more patience, but after my recent research on ADHD I realized he has the symptoms of the hyperactive/impulsive type, (found out I had the ADD type also). Our special connection/love, but also the outbursts and many things started making sense then. I told him to look into ADHD but he does not believe in it, or says that if he has it, then his symptoms are under control, which I know is not true. My oldest has actually started requesting I drive to avoid all the yelling/frustration and impatience when dad drives. He also occasionally explodes at me (yelling, sarcasm, swear words at situation) about other things unnecessarily, which I’ve been very patient with and I’m finally starting to get fed up. I scream back at him and don’t let him tell me what I should do. He also says inappropriate comments about me or other things in front of people, luckily we don’t have family close by or even socialize with others very much.

    We have great times together as a family too but these outbursts around the kids make me super anxious. I ask the kids to go watch TV to another room, or eat before he gets home, to minimize the possibility of an outburst. I find myself often walking on eggshells so we don’t upset him. When I see he’s about to lose it with the kids, I step in and redirect them, or find a way of moving them away, like shielding them from his outbursts. He doesn’t want me stepping on his toes when he’s disciplining them, but I cannot just watch him mistreat them with his screaming and rough demeanor. He’s not physical but the intensity of the raised voice and body language leave you wondering what the hell is wrong. The kids (who show ADHD symptoms) need a lot of patience, and these outburst don’t help. It feels good and relaxing when I'm home or in the car just with the kids.

    Although intimacy rarely happens with us nowadays, I still feel that old soulmate connection with him especially when we are alone, and we laugh together, and talk about anything, and it makes me think things aren’t that bad. Then an outburst happens and it’s like an ice bucket. They can happen daily (the computer, the kids, the traffic, waiting in line at the store, the game, a news article, etc.) I know I cannot just keep ignoring them; they are not going away.

    I need energy to be a good mother to my two children and this drains me every day. He says I cannot expect everyone to act like me. He has his "unique way of dealing with things” and I should respect it. I was raised in a peaceful and quiet household and feel I need this type of environment now more than ever. His home was full of turmoil with daily arguments from his parents who ended up in a bad place in old age. I’m a worrier and part of me feels like my husband's outbursts may get progressively worse with the kids, and now is a good time to split rather than stay hoping for the best. At least that is what I see when reading some of the stories from people with grown kids, regretting not having taken the divorce step earlier.

    I can be intimidated/frozen by problems sometimes, but I can be courageous and do anything I must for my kids. I need your help. Please advise!! 
     

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