Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • I can't leave him because I don't want him alone with our toddler by: dark 9 years 10 months ago

    I met him as he was divorcing his ex wife. She left him. He said at the time she complained he wasn't there for her. She was finishing medical school, they had challenging behavior issues with their (out of control spoiled) toddler, and she was having a complicated 2nd pregnancy. He chose that time to run for public office during a midterm election. A few months later she dumped him for the guy she was sleeping with at work.

    I actually thought she was crazy to leave him. He's ivy league educated, attractive, funny, romantic... why would she destroy their life? I married him about a year after we started dating.

    I had an incredibly demanding (like, life or death demanding) social work job that required frequent round the clock on-call time. He was a board member for some local agencies, and was tinkering around with a startup nonprofit He did not earn a paycheck, but had a trust fund that seemed to make ends meet. So while I was racing from client meeting to client meeting, not even getting lunch breaks all day, he was having 2 hour lunches with other politicos, and enjoying his quiet fancy downtown office space. I quickly became the person who picked up all his slack with *his* young children.  

    A year after marrying, I had completely burned out; something had to give. My agency was being taken over by another agency I didn't trust. My clients were just as challenging as ever. But I would rush home to relieve his nanny by 5:30 (she watched his two kids all day in the home but he was always late so I had to be there by 5:30 on the dot). I'd cook and serve and play mother to hischildren (my mistake), while he would bore me to DEATH with his never-ending, completely tone-deaf retellings of his days' work. Occasionally he'd ask how my day went, apparently expecting a quick, tidy answer. Usually when I tried to answer, his older child would choose that moment to have a tantrum, which he'd divert his whole attention to. Or else his eyes would glaze over and he'd seem to be totally ignoring me. I tested that theory many times - it was true. I ended up quitting my dream job to replace his nanny. This was one of my few regrets in life. I did bond with his children and we did correct behavior issues, but I lost myself by doing that. I think that's all he really wanted, too. A live in nanny for free. 

    I slowly figured out during our first year married that he was...fake. He went through the motions, and would appear to be progressive, but he only focused on exactly what he wanted to focus on. He pretended to be paying attention to me when I was talking, but he wasn't. His then 2-year-old would wear the same diaper for 6 hours when in his care. The step-kids would go crazy from a lack of leadership, or basic needs on the weekends, when he should have been dealing with them. They were lucky if he remembered to give them lunch by 2 --he usually didn't, and they woke up no later than 5 am back then. Their lack of basic needs under his sole care provoked even worse behavior from his children. That's when the nagging began in our relationship. He wouldn't take initiative to parent his kids or work on their behavior issues without being told over and over that he needed to do it. I got him a discipline book called 123 Magic, and I badgered him to read and implement the teachings on his children. It was awful for both of us, but over the next few years his kids finally behaved in a healthier, age-appropriate manner. Even the kids' mom appreciated it. I was so miserable and lonely. I had no idea I was marrying someone who would suck all my spirit and energy and give me nothing back. No emotional support, no more romantic behavior. In fact, he openly ogled other women after we were married, began telling me stupid compulsive lies, developed a porn addiction (which he still denies was an addiction) and by the 2nd year of marriage he had completely destroyed our trust. 

    He's very bright, (but only in an intellectual capacity, literally zero street smarts or common sense, and no housekeeping skills). He has parenting skills now but they are the kind that would completely go away if he wasn't held accountable by someone. I do not allow him to prepare meals for me or our toddler because he can't remember basic safety things, like not to use a dirty rag to dry a wet plate. He doesn't wipe down counters and he can't remember that the dog isn't allowed in the kitchen. So everything he prepares contains dog hair and god knows what bacteria. But the main concern is he doesn't know how to cook. He doesn't know how to thaw something that is frozen. He went to Harvard. Twice. But he has to read the box every time he prepares instant macaroni and cheese.  Every meal he prepares is instant or a reheating of something I've prepared. It's been 6 years this fall and I still have to tell him that children need carbs. I've probably said it 500 times. When I met him he was in good shape and I suspect now it was because he literally could not feed himself. He used to make me "lobster soup" which was actually just prepackaged lobster heated up. The "broth" was the water it was packed in. It tasted like lobster in water. Because that's what it was. 

    A good example of his bad common sense is I suspected some of the jewelry he'd given to me had been his ex-wife's. I confronted him and he denied it. He continued to deny it for 4 years, even shaming me for being of such low character that I'd make such a nasty accusation. Even in front of multiple marriage counselors.  The thing is, he doesn't *believe* others could possibly notice the details he can't see. So despite my finding a *receipt* exactly describing the fancy bracelet he gave me that was actually purchased the day before his last big anniversary with his ex, and despite my listing the things that were suspicious about a few of the gifts he gave me, and despite my conversation with his ex where she said YES, THOSE ARE MINE THANK YOU, he held on to that lie. Until about six months ago when I cornered him randomly and he confessed. I still can't actually believe anyone would do that to someone they loved. I sensed well before I had hard evidence that something was wrong with those pieces, and I never wore them. I really don't know if I could ever trust anyone again after it, I hope that doesn't sound absurd. It just rattled me for some reason I can't quite articulate today. 

    Another example of his lack of common sense is he regularly would put me in disturbing situations, despite my asking him to stop. A few times he was oblivious to creepy people who were approaching us in bad parts of town when we were dressed up. He'd get in the car and take forever to unlock my door from the inside. Once a crazy guy came running up to me and started demanding that I give him money. My husband just sat in the car and waited until I handled it. Fortunately, as a social worker I have a clue. But it would've been nice if I had someone who had my back, ever. In the winter he'd get out of the car at the gas station and leave his door open so we'd all have to freeze and breathe in fumes while he pumped gas. 

    He has bad boundaries with his family and jumps when they say jump (please pardon that awful cliche). I don't know if it's a typical ADD thing, but it seems like it could be, because it appears to be more about his reflexive fear of not meeting people's demands than about pleasing them. I think if it were about pleasing them, he'd have chosen a different wife. As it happens, a lot of them don't like me. I don't let them control my life the way they used to control his life for him and I expect privacy and respect and the right to raise my own kids and have my own traditions without them constantly in my face. They have not been kind to me, but he could not protect me from them any more than he could protect me from the creepy guy in the theatre district or the cold air at the gas station. At this point I have taken it on my self to lay the line for us both. I will not have anything to do with a couple of his family members. He weakly goes along with this when I'm watching, but pretends everything is fine with them when I'm not present. It's just bizarre. The whole thing stinks. 

    What else, oh, he regularly gets in traffic accidents. I refuse to share my vehicle because he crashed it (small fender benders) 3-4 times in the 2 years I've owned it. Every time the kids told me, because he forgot it happened. His car looks like an old tin can. 

    He drinks too much.

    He lets me cook and clean and do all the organizing in the house and all the shopping and all the thinking about EVERYTHING for birthdays or holidays, he just shows up and experiences Christmas! Or his kids' birthdays! Or, Valentine's Day! I order my own flowers, my own candy, my own gifts, and I long ago stopped hoping he'd ever get a dinner reservation for a special event. The only Mother's Day events I've attended since knowing him were things I set up for my own mother. He never gets me (or anyone!) a thoughtful gift. All his shopping is last minute. He doesn't do the dishes when I cook despite having that conversation and making that commitment no fewer than 20 times. But the biggest problem we face currently outside of what all I've listed above, is he financially destroyed us.

    We had a piece of valuable land and we built a house on it when we were just married. He mislead me to believe he had a significant amount more wealth than he had. I pointed out several times that it didn't add up, but he insisted we build our dream house. I had to pick everything of course and make all the decisions, but when I hedged over the price of something, he always chimed in with wanting to do it, and that it was an "investment." We barely finished the house. It's still not decorated. The mortgage(s) are underwater. Because he secretly borrowed shocking amounts of money secured by our home, without asking me!,  to start a business that is entering its 4th consecutive year in the red. He has not earned a regular paycheck at any point that I've been with him. We've had several liens on our home, and we have ruined relationships with nearly every contractor we've ever worked with over late payments and bounced checks he's written. (I refuse to write checks from any of our joint accounts!) I have had to -many many times- use my child support from my first husband to buy his kids' dinners, school lunches, clothes, gifts, and medical bills.We will probably lose our home this year. 

    The truth is, the horrible truth I mean, is after all this I really don't love him anymore (well it's like maybe 5% because I have a good memory and there were things I used to love but I'm too angry all the time to care anymore) -- I definitely haven't found him attractive in YEARS; he's essentially another one of my children. I think our marriage is incredibly toxic for our child, we sleep on different ends of the house at my insistence. But I fear & dread divorcing him even more than I fear a lifetime of misery with him. He has a nasty entitled personality that is unshakable. He is rude to waiters, arrogant at parties, and has no consideration of the effects his sloppiness has on our children's lives. But I saw how vicious he was toward his ex during his last divorce. He does not like being left (who would!). But he's totally irrational about it. I have asked countless times but he won't consider an amicable break. I fear I'd be completely ruined by it. I no longer have a job. My former job does not exist. I only have an undergraduate degree..in Political Science. I would be in big trouble if we broke up because he can't/won't pay his bills and he'd do that to us just to spite me.

     But most of all, I can't risk that he'd win half custody and then go on to endanger or neglect our child. I feel that's guaranteed. I could not bear to have him with our son unsupervised overnights. Plus, hell, I don't want to be away from my child overnight! I love being with him all the time. And frankly, this isn't my job, but I'd hate to do that to my step-kids. They need me and they love me. I no longer try to be their other mom (I've taken a different approach and it's healthier) but without me they don't even get fed. Who in their life would notice if they need a nebulizer? Neither of their parents can manage to do that currently. For my husband, it's not about what is in the child's best interest, but what he wants, what he feels he deserves. So for now I'm staying. It is unbelievably awful. 

    I used to think he was a narcissist, or some kind of crazy spoiled brat. Maybe he is, but after reading more about narcissism, I realized he doesn't quite qualify because he has a fair amount of empathy. It just doesn't cause him to change anything. I mean, he feels remorseful when he' busted for being horribly selfish. I suspect he has adult ADHD based on several hours of web research. Someone I know recommended that I look up Dr Hallowell's books so I've just ordered them from Amazon today. I'm sure the Mr will get right on reading those ...

    I'm not sure if this is a good thing but my husband desperately wants me to stay and claims to love me. It seems like a bunch of crap to me, but he does try,every day, to do things "right." 

    My next step is I'm seeing a financial lawyer to try to protect whatever is left of the value of our shared property....

     

  • had to delete post by: lostincalifornia 9 years 10 months ago

    sorry

  • H can't pay his bills but he can buy me a $300 sweater! by: Anonymous (not verified) 9 years 10 months ago

    I am blown away! So H didn't get me anything for my birthday and then yesterday, about 1 1/2 weeks after my birthday, I get a package. I open it and find a pullover, half zip-up sweater he got for me. I mean it's nice, but it's not anything I would have bought for myself or looked twice at. I look up the website and find the sweater and it is $318!!! A SWEATER!! It is from Norway and made of 100% wool, but why on earth would he spend that much money on a sweater for me when he still can't pay his total share of the bills?! Plus, we live in Seattle so it's not like it gets so cold that you need a heavy wool sweater. On top of that, I see that he charged it to his credit card. He needs to be getting his balance down to $0 and this just canceled out all the progress he's made trying to bring it down. I am just never going to wear this. Maybe if I was as skier it would be great, but it's too darn warm to wear around here. 

    I just don't get his logic! I can't give you my share of the rent this month but here's a $300 sweater! And I'm sure I will hear from him just how much he spent on it and he will hold that over my head. He does one thing for me and he acts like I should bow down before him. Yet I pay his share of the bills month after month but yet I never rub that in his face.

  • Is there a way to help an ADHD Spouse to become more self-aware? by: overwhelmedwife 9 years 10 months ago

    My H is not self-aware at all. First of all, he talks constantly, unless he is distracted by TV, the internet or something else. When he's distracted, then he "allows" silence. When he's not distracted, then I better be "at the ready" to listen to his non-stop drivel. I relish the times that he's at the gym, but since he works from home, he's around 24/7. I run a business from home as well. He has little/no respect for the time I must spend on my business. He will "say" that he does, but in truth, he can barely keep quiet for a minute while I'm working on something....he'll constantly say, "are you done"? Lately he has been claiming that he's "talking a lot less"....no, he's not. He gets angry if I suggest tape-recording him....likely because he doesn't want to be faced with facts that will contradict his claims. What can I do?

  • Sorting it all out by: I'm So Exhausted 9 years 10 months ago

    Today I was trouble-shooting my own Non-ADHD brain.  

    What I have determined, at least for today, LOL!, is this reality:  I do not like everything being a battle of the wits.  I do not like being in the spot of defending what I want or like.  I will not explain and explain and explain my wants, hopes and desires. I will not abandon my desires based solely on the fact that it causes discomfort for my spouse.   

    Our yard is 10 acres.

    I am a college student.

    My spouse if a self employed construction worker.

    There are of piles of construction materials on our property.

    I do not like having to look at all the piles of stuff.

    We talked about installing a 8 foot privacy fence to create a visual boundary for me.  I set aside the funds.  We got a few estimates.  We had the full amount necessary to pay for it.  We scheduled it.  The company called to finalize the color of the fence.  My spouse told them not to come.  In the end, his thoughts, wisdom, feelings, ideas trumped anything we had agreed on regarding the fence.  In the end, it was a battle.  I won't fight anymore.   

    For me, this was a new 'adventure.'  Trying something in a whole new way.  

    I understand how his brain works.  I am just no longer willing to "put up with it."  It is not okay that he takes over and changes everything while I just sail along for the ride.  He may not FEEL like it was a wise choice.  I want to agree upon things, not feel controlled by his anger. 

    He adamantly denies 'cancelling' the fence.

    I cannot do this sort of thing anymore.  It zaps everything from me.

    I am not willing to play the game of he calls to say do not come, and then I call to say "Yes, come and put up that fence."  How utterly stupid is this.  

    I have dropped my side, and left the contest.  I lost, and am not willing to fight anymore.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • I no longer wish to be passive. by: Hoffe frau 9 years 10 months ago

    I have been with my fiance for 5 years now. I have stayed quiet because I do not like confrontation or conflict. But honestly, I do not always feel cherished, loved, honored or respected. Instead, there are times that I feel unappreciated, lonely, betrayed, distrustful, and angry. I have been holding in a lot of anger and hurt feelings for quite some time. I have come up with every excuse in the book not to talk about it. I can no longer not talk about it. It only makes me more resentful. I know that I have let too much go and I do feel horrible for letting so much build up. But I was trying to be patient and hopeful. I was trying to place faith in my partner and our relationship. All the while, not understanding or taking consideration of his ADD. But I hoped that in telling him how I feel, that he would understand that this is my effort in making things right. He had been open in telling me how he felt, all the while I had been holding back.

    We have both made excuses for his ‘acts’ by saying that is nothing more than something that he show interest in. But in the end, it does bother me. It does make me feel insignificant. I have told him how it makes me feel when he gets online and chat. Yet, he continues to and worse yet, he talks to women. But even worse than just chatting, he has expressed and encouraged the anticipation of physical contact. I know, because I occasionally check his computer and phone. I know this is deceitful, but felt I had no other choice, as he is not truthful when I ask what he was doing or who he was chatting with. Maybe that has to do with his ADD, that he is looking for that initial excitement like we had in the beginning of our relationship. I know that he has mentioned it several times. I know that we talked about how we hoped we would never lose that. But relationships do change. Everyone gets into that comfort level. Does he realize that he has made some women feel as I did in the beginning of our relationship? Ravished with both the attention and affection, because for a woman, the attention and affection are a key component to being attracted to a man. But in his mind, it is nothing more than an ‘act’ or a game. He gets so caught up in the act, that he do not realize the hurt he causes. I feel like he is so caught up in the excitement, as well as getting them to tell secrets, that he forgets to consider their feelings or even what they must think of him. Not to mention, my feelings.

    He has lied and cheated, I feel, with little effort or remorse. He tries to justify his indiscretions by saying it was a mistake, but it means so much more to me. I may can excuse the act, but I cannot forgive how easily he does it. Yes, I agree that I was and can be despondent. But he assumed the worst and just allowed himself to cheat. I know it happened more than once. But either way, no matter how many times it may have or have not happened, it indicates how easily our relationship can be disregarded for his needs over mine.

  • How Do You Know What's Real? by: HopeGreen 9 years 10 months ago

    Hi,

    My boyfriend and I started dating 3 months ago tomorrow and we've already experiences some pretty bad lows. We broke up briefly because I was entirely ignorant and did not understand what it meant for him to have ADD/ADHD. Obviously, i will never fully understand but I was under the misguided impression but it only affected them in terms of getting work done.We are trying to be long distance now and had gone a month without seeing each other. I live in Chicago and he lives in Indiana (neither of us drive.) We broke up because the more stressed he became about his situation, the less he called or texted and the more he broke his plans to actually visit. We maintained a friendship over the next couple of weeks which honestly still felt like a relationship. At some point, i became confused because he never stopped trying to talk to me and even wanted to get back together when I finally did see him. His words completely did not mirror his actions so I started reading up on ADD and thought maybe that's what the problem is. We dropped the love bomb and I promised to take his situation into account more since I had done some reading on the subject prior to seeing him again. He said he will pay more attention to me and make sure to call every night before bed and try to commit to seeing each other at least once a week. I know right now is a stressful time for him so I am trying to understand but I honestly can't. I've been through this kind of thing with men before and it usually meant they did not really care about me at all. I am finding this hard to believe with him because I have given him so many opportunities to just be casual and not in a relationship but each time he insists he wants us to make a serious attempt at this. What can I focus on to not get so upset when he does not call or text? He was supposed to call last night but he was hanging out with his best friend and it seems like he forgot. Second day in a row. The night before he said he was locked into a conversation with his brother so could not get away to call. I've been on the receiving end of one of is adorable long rants when he gets on a subject but it still makes me wonder is this because of ADHD or is this a guy who does not like me much. I guess my main question here is how can you tell if they are forgetting to call, text or make plans because of their ADHD or if they are just truly not really invested? I'm also worried that he told me he loved me during one of his hyper states and does not really mean it? It was completely random we were just walking down the street and he blurted it out.

    Please help because I do love him and want to make sure I do this right if he truly wants to be with me.

  • How do you move toward the future when so many mistakes in the past have been made? by: Anonymous (not verified) 9 years 10 months ago

    I'm sorry for the length of this post, but I have 25 yrs of marriage to cover. I have ADHD, diagnosed for ten yrs and take meds that help tremendously. My wife and I recently came to the end of our marriage and have now decided to reconcile instead of getting a divorce. We love each other very much and its the only thing holding us together. For several years, I made the typical ADHD mistakes of moving us around for something better and it took a toll. We moved 14 times in 11 years. I have always worked hard (not smart) to provide a nice lifestyle for my family. I have come to realize that this has caused more damage than good and that in hindsight, I was giving to my family to stroke my own ego vs. what was best for them. About 15 yrs ago, I started a business that required me to travel. Sometimes I was gone all week, for the majority of the time, I would estimate 2-3 times per week. This left my wife at home a lot with 2 girls to raise. One of which is ADHD like me. Both girls are grown, one in college. My wife and I were married right out of high school and never had support. At one point, we were on Medicaid and food stamps to get through college. My wife came from an abusive home where things that I hear about, I cant even fathom. I am from a divorced home, had a great childhood because of nearby grandparents that loved unconditionally. Father was bullying and angry, mother was disconnected and worked a lot. I have recently come to the realization that I should have worked harder to really understand my wife's needs. She has many times in the past, told me how the travelling has effected her. However, when we sat down to discuss it, the realization that if I were to do something else, there would be many nights that I would not be home and it would mean that she would need to take a job. We are both Nurses and would need to work nights or 12 hr shifts. I point this out because I remember these conversations. But now my wife, doesnt take any culpability in coming to this conclusion and believes that I was just some overbearing ogre that said how it was going to be and that was that. I try to see it this way and end up remembering conversations that we had where my wife discussed the positives of decisions only to now learn it was not something that she ever wanted. This is truly driving me crazy. I am second guessing my memory and I dont trust myself to make any decisions. My wife has had several bouts of depression that has lasted as long as 2 yrs at a time. She has always worked hard at being there for our daughters, but the marriage was totally disconnected. Counseling, doctors, and medical bills began to pile up. There were several years where I did have to make all of the decisions with no help, at times, doing what I thought was best for the kids. At one point my wife tried to committ suicide where I found her, induced vomiting and resucitated her until the ambulance came. This was very traumatic. Most of the counseling in the beginning dealt more with the abuse that she grew up with. Then it moved to her unhappy current life and our marriage. I realized several years ago that it was important for me to be in counseling with her and scheduled all appointments and made sure I was there for most of them. My wife has a different recollection of this, and can bring up 1-2 times where I was not there vs. the numerous times I was. In addition, she developed neck and back problems and ultimately had 2 spinal surgeries with several yrs of chronic pain. She has recently gotten better with the last surgery, but in order to cope with all of this, I made poor decisions for myself (overeating to the point that I was hoping I would just have a heart attack and the use of porn for sexual gratification when there was nothing in the marriage) Im not proud of the choices I made. I recognize now that I should have sought help from someone that cared like family or friends. I tried to keep my wifes depression and mine a secret. I try not to bring these things up to my wife because one, I made my wrong decisions, I own them. Two, i dont want to make her feel bad for things that were not in her control. However, recently she has blamed me for the depression and the physical ailments that she has had. Worse, I recently read studies that proved spouses frequently are the cause of depression. This was an overwhelming crushing blow to realize that my actions when I thought I was doing my best, were the cause of my wifes years of misery. I love her, but very often think that she would be better without me. I am doing many things to change. No more porn which has not really proven to be that difficult for me. I am increasing my connection to God by reading and praying. My wife and I will be looking for a church in hopes to find one where fellowship and counsel can be obtained. I am beginning an exercise plan that includes better nutrition. I know that I have to prove myself for quite some time, but it is difficult when so many comparisons of past mistakes keep being brought up. For example, I needed an item from an electronic store that I recently left in a rental car. I have been very good over the last 5-10 yrs about not leaving or forgetting my stuff when I travel. But this particular trip, was difficult because my wife had asked me to leave, fighting, etc. so I left this item in the rental car. Today I stopped at the electronic store and replaced it. I was thinking after I bought it that this is what my wife is talking about. Making decisions and not including her. I considered returning the item and not telling her for fear of the blowback. Then I thought, no thats dishonest and I need the item for business. So I decided to be honest. I listened to an excellent podcast on the way home that talked about loving your wife as Christ loved the church and I wanted to share this with her also. I am trying to include her on my thoughts and learning more because she says she that I dont do this. So when I get home, I share all of this with her and let her know that I bought the item and I was sorry that it didn't occur to me until after that this was something that should have been discussed as partners and that I would take the item back and possibly buy at another time when it was better. She became upset and reminded me of a time when I was 21 when I bought a golf club that I shouldn't. I felt defeated. I didnt expect a reward. At the same time there was a part of me that felt angry. I am 43, not 21. This was something needed for work and it is not an item that is that expensive (160) in addition its needed for business. I didnt say anything, but it just makes me feel that Im not going to have the energy to make all of these changes when Im paying for things over and over agin from 20yrs ago. Any advice would help. Thank you

  • H's car got broken into...so why am I the only one who is worried about it?! by: Anonymous (not verified) 9 years 10 months ago

    We took our trash out to the curb yesterday afternoon and upon doing that, my husband took a look in his car, which was sitting on the street, and noticed that his driver's seat was leaned way back further than he had left it. He opened his car door, which was unlocked, and saw that his glove box and center console were completely emptied of their contents. He said he wasn't sure what all was gone, but for sure the car registration and paperwork, his extra car key and his only set of keys to his trailer. He ranted and raved that the one time he leaves his car unlocked this happens to him and why does bad crap always happen to him. Okay, why on earth did you leave your car unlocked on the street? I mean we never have any crime that I know of in our neighborhood, but still! Plus, he's on a 10 day break form work and barely steps outside the front door so it's not like he was going to be using the car anytime soon.

    Well he goes across the street where a cop lives and knocks on his door. The guy has a camera pointed at his driveway so maybe it caught the car. Nobody answers, but he doesn't knock on any of the other neighbor's doors to see if they heard anything. He noticed on the way back over to our house that there are tire burnout marks starting right next to his car and he remembered hearing squealing tires the night before. I tell him to call the police and he says "I don't have any proof that anything was broken into or stolen." So what?!  A LOT of people find things stolen and still call the police! Maybe there have been other break ins around. Nope, not going to call. He calls a locksmith and gets voice mail and leaves a message. Then proceeds to leave his phone in the living room on mute while he goes and plays his video game in another room. Um I would NOT be playing a video game right now! I would call as many locksmiths as it took until one answered and have them come over ASAP seeing as this person has your car and trailer keys. Then I would call and file a report with the police. Then I would call the insurance company and find out if theft is covered and what needs to happen next. I ask him 30 minutes later if he got a response and he says "I don't expect them to call back today." Well check your phone! Sure enough, they had called back! He calls them back and once again gets voice mail. This time they don't call back. He continues playing his game. I go online and see you can file an online report with the police if it meets certain standards so I do that. He tells me "Well I WAS going to do that in a bit." Really? Why do I find that hard to believe. Then I told him that I'll call the insurance guy tomorrow to find out what is going on. He says "Okay that sounds good" all while playing his video game!

    It's just like with this collection agency that is taking money out of his paycheck all the time. He has no idea who's doing it, how much they are going to take out, when it will stop. I tell him to talk to someone at work and he goes "Yeah I guess I really should". He won't do that either. So you have no idea how much money this agency will take from you and now someone has a copy of your car key and you only set of trailer keys and you think "Meh, I'm just going to sit here and play video games".

    I am SO SO tired of having to clean up all of his messes or be the one to have to do all the legwork while he just sits and plays video games or watches tv.

  • Helpless, Alone and Guilty by: swingkat77 9 years 10 months ago

    My husband and I meant almost ten years ago.  From the moment I met him I knew he was the one.  He was charming, handsome, social, outgoing, and incredibly artistic.  He was the most sensitive man I had met, adored me, and I felt connected in ways I had never experienced.

    Then everything changed....it started when we moved in together, he was incredibly impulsive with money and I was lending him money all the time.  He would often run out of gas, forget to pay his bills, forget to take his cell phone, and then I started to realize he was incredibly obsessive about routines, picking up after people, and seemed to not have appropriate social behavior with his constant interruptions, blurting out inappropriate comments, and could not recognize body language.  I always said he was consistently inconsistent.

    I became unexpectedly pregnant and it got worse.  He could not understand pregnancy hormones and emotions and often belittled me.  I would often have times of depression, frustration, etc. while pregnant and was not the happiest of people.  But I admitted it, I accepted it, I desperately tried to control it, and often apologized.  It didn't help, he still had no patience for me and we constantly argued...being pregnant was the worst experience of my life.  I gained 100 pounds, was miserable, felt alone and isolated.

    We have been married for three years and I feel so alone.  It's like we speak different languages and he cannot seem to understand other peoples points of view.  He is controlling and forces himself onto others by expecting the to do what he wants.  His interruptions are extreme, I often tell him I that my frustration is so intense because I never can finish a sentence with him.  He calls it an interjection, as if it rationalizes his behaviors.

    He deflects and blames others, and I am at the top of the list.  He tells me I am nagging, have anger issues, and that no one except for me has ever had a problem with his behavior.  He was single until the age of 42 and was not in a long term relationship prior to me.  He does not follow through with most things, takes forever to accomplish tasks, and refuses to get help.

    He argues incessantly with our 7 year old.  Our son is smart, intelligent, and clearly can see his father is not normal.  It angers our son and he lashes out, my husband blames our son for being a spoiled brat instead of recognizing that our son is having a reaction to my husbands controlling and inappropriate behavior.  My son and I can be together for hours without a disagreement or fight, my husband doesn't last 10 minutes.  He claims our son argues and just doesn't listen to him because they spend more time together (SAH dad).  Really, it is because my son has not yet developed the emotional maturity to deal with an ADHD father.

    He has a short temper and a chip on his shoulder.  If anyone confronts him about his behavior, he will accuse them of attacking him, he becomes defensive, nasty, and then pretends like it never happened and he never behaved in that manner.

    I am angry.  Alone. Feeling helpless and hopeless.  I know I don't respond well to him, but I really have reached my limit.  I want to make this work, but don't know where to start.  

     

     

     

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