Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • What is TMI when discussing earth-shattering relationship issues by: PoisonIvy 9 years 10 months ago

    Here's a little background on my situation:  married for almost 30 years; I've known of my husband's mental and emotional health issues for many years, although not about ADHD possibility until approximately 5 years ago; husband began withdrawing from family duties approximately 10 to 12 years ago; husband took "temporary" job as his parents' caregiver more than 4 years ago, at which time communication from him nearly ceased because he almost never initiates communication when he's not physically present; I filed for a legal separation in 2013 but decided to not follow through because of issues involving our finances and our children.  Most important, I've told my husband more times than I can count about my issues with our relationship.

    So, I'm planning to let H know that I plan to file for a divorce later this year and that I'd like him to be thinking about property division.  Should I tell him, again, the reasons I'm dissatisfied with the marriage?  Is doing so a "good" thing because people with ADHD often forget things; or is doing so a "bad" thing because it will be akin to piling on? Or is it good or bad for reasons other than those I've mentioned?

    I welcome any thoughts you'd like to share on this topic.b

  • Does technology frustrate your ADHD partner? by: overwhelmedwife 9 years 10 months ago
    My H gets extremely frustrated with technology. Each time we get new cell phones, he gets angry....and the anger lasts the entire time. We changed cell phone providers three times because each time he "hated" the service (blamed the service). He hates every phone, but will later say that a previous phone was better (it wasn't.) He truly can't use any phone. He ends up throwing them. He can't handle TV remotes either. He gets confused, pushes the wrong buttons (and then claims that he didn't do anything), and then throws the remote. New versions of software upset him. He broke a computer after throwing it because of Windows 8. I don't like Windows 8 either, but I don't throw or break things. (lol...I mostly use my iPad!)
  • Do any of you have this problem with ADHD mate? by: overwhelmedwife 9 years 10 months ago
    My H doesn't respect that certain foods are purchased for particular meals. He doesn't do the shopping or cooking, so he doesn't respect or understand how annoying it is to go to make dinner and then find out that he mowed thru a needed item. I buy plenty of food, snacks, etc that are easily eaten, so it's annoying that his impulsiveness (I want it now) will prevent him from respecting that an item is needed for a particular reason. Recently, I bought a food item for our child to take to school (school requested this for a school-party). I put it on the counter and wrote "this is for Megan's school party tomorrow" on it so that H couldn't claim that he "didn't know". Well, the next morning I find that he ate it ANYWAY. He became angry when confronted and refused to go to the store to replace it.....so I had to. He said that I deserved having to go back to the store for being a #$%^& complaining that he ate the item. So, now I have to REALLY hide non-fridge items that are needed for something else!!! I can't hid fridge items unless they're small....and then I hide them in a container that looks like something H would never eat...lol.
  • What meds have you found give the best results? by: overwhelmedwife 9 years 10 months ago

    My H isn't on the right meds.  He's got ADHD-impulsive, some OCD, anxiety!!!, and maybe some narcissistic and histrionic tendencies. 

  • Hyper Focus Insanity by: Beachlover68 9 years 10 months ago

    For me, my DH's hyperfocus is the most maddening ADD behavior I live with.  He gets consumed by things.  I might as well be on another planet most of the time.  He lives in his own world.  It is really disheartening to feel invisible in your marriage.  If I bring it up, ask for attention, it is usually perceived as some sort of personal attack or criticism.  So, I'm doomed either way.  So sad.  The cruel truth is that he was hyperfocused on me for the first few years and I thought that was real...didn't realize it was just a stage of his ADD that would soon be replaced with something else once our marriage was cemented and he didn't have to focus on me so much anymore.  20 years and 2 kids later...I sometimes think I'm crazy to still be here fighting for this marriage.  If it weren't for my two sons, I probably wouldn't be.  

     

  • Silver Splitters and Grey Divorces by: I'm So Exhausted 9 years 10 months ago

    I am doing what I have always urged my children to do:  Make a decision, take no action, then mentally sit with it for a while to see if it the best bet.  

    I do not want to fall into either of these categories - Silver splitters or Grey Divorces.  They apply to folks getting a divorce after 25 or 30 years of marriage.   I discovered both of these terms - just today - as I tried to understand what to do, and how to do it.  

    It was painful to Google:  What is the first thing to do in getting a divorce after 30 years of marriage.  

    A divorce is not the end I thought I would get.  

    I see a mixture of both panic and anger in my spouses eyes.  I haven't slept well since mid-December.  I literally just cannot take it anymore.  After trying the 5 millionth way to get near any conflict issue, or any hope of renegotiating our relationship, I failed.  Yelled at.  Swore at.  (I despise the "F" word. Throw one at me and the discussion is over.)  Not one hope of my thoughts validated.  Not one hurt acknowledged.  

    This will not fix anything by tomorrow.  It is still a long drawn out process.  The tension is thick.  The anger is thick.  My own panic mode of communication  "what do I say, how do I say it, never mind, I cannot put myself through this anymore."  Not the place I choose to stay.  

    In anger he threw words at me a few days ago, "Do I leave or do you leave?"  

    I am not a sneaky person.  I do nothing behind his back.  I just cannot fathom the difficulty in getting past this discussion of "I am really done.  I have had it.  I want - OUT.

    I spent 4 years as part of this forum hashing and rehashing and rehashing.

     I try to talk to him or explain and say anything - and I get yelling, and defensive ness and told all the reason he is correct in what he does.    

    I accept that.  I do NOT accept he is a person with behavior I want to live with or share a life with.  Not anymore.  It is literally ripping my heart out.  

    I got my own emotional business done - have thought long and hard.  The emotional business of the "marriage" - that there will take some mourning.  How can a person get to finish all their emotional business if the other half of it will not?  

     

    Liz

  • Hi, new to forum. Need support and advice by: missworld 9 years 10 months ago

    Hi all. I have been with my adhd partner for 10 years, we have two small kids. Throughout our relationship I have dealt with emotional and verbal abuse from him. A couple years ago I left him because of this, but we ended up getting back together after about 6 or 7 months. He is no longer abusive like he used to be, but he also hasn't made any progress in his sensitivity towards me. I have given him everything he has, supported him through all the times he didnt feel like working (which has been most of the relationship up until a few years ago), I have always picked up the slack, I have basically been a mommy to him and not a 50/50 partner. When we got bak together he finally agreed to medication for his adhd. It does help but I still dont think he is managing his condition well at all.

       So my biggest thing right now is how he is not there for me when I need him to support me emotionally. I have my own problems but when I try to talk to him about what Im feeling, what Im going through, he acts like I just need to buck up and get over it. There is never any validation. He actually gets mad at me and starts fights with me if I dare to address any of my personal issues. For example, I have been very sad this week as my cat has to be put down, and Im crying a lot, and he acts like Im personally attacking him or something, he just says I shouldnt be so upset and I dont have a right to be upset. blah blah blah. Being so insensitive and rude. It breaks my heart..... Its like Im not allowed to feel what Im feeling around him.

    I need some advice, please help :)

     

  • He is in "love with Love" by: bobbinf 9 years 10 months ago

    we are both ADHD adults married 10 years, together 14. He has always had "girlfriends" and does not have many men friends or hobbies. He gets infatuated with a woman, it intensifies ( it was this way with me, I was one of the girlfriends way back when) it's really nice and friendly, encouraging and they are often "broken birds" ...lots of phones calls, texting, rescues, FB, it intensified last year with 3 different women.One ending ( she was so bitter) one winding down ( from best friends to her calling him a sexual predator) and a new one with a conservation group in June, who has since quit her job and moved closer so now they see each other on weekends. They traveled to Japan for 2 weeks and that's when I decided I could no longer validate this as "friendships" . Since I experienced the "pursuit" myself in the beginning of our courtship, and it was non-sexual for a year, I had been understanding for a long time. recently, our marriage has just gotten great...really good and then he told me he wanted to date, maybe within the marriage. That nothing would change between us, that he was just "in love with love" ...I would always be #1, the wife, the true love...but he might want to have the friendships more in the open. He has acknowledged the ADHD, however refuses to see that this behavior and the need for excitement could be connected. Help, please anyone else have a partner who is super helpful, and alls into like...a lot?

  • Great. H has turned on his FMLA again and is not going to work! by: Anonymous (not verified) 9 years 10 months ago

    The past 4 months have been glorious. H has not missed a day of work in that time. I wasn't aware that he had turned off his FMLA all this time. However him being off for 10 days on paid vacation has gotten him back into that whole "I don't feel like going to work" mode. He went back last Friday but then this past Monday decided he didn't want to go in for whatever reason. So he had to spend the day calling the doctor, seeing the doctor and getting his FMLA turned back on so he wouldn't get reprimanded for a day off. He tells me that it's only good for 2 days a month. Well that didn't mean anything before because you ended up still taking weeks off without pay.

    Last night he tells me about how his check was only $1000 because there was no OT on it and how tomorrow (today) he's going to work a 12 hour day and go in Saturday as well. He was all hyped to do all this. I should have known that with all the hype means he isn't going to do it. He was supposed to go in at 3AM today but he kept resetting his alarm. he gets up at 4 and texts his boss that he won't be in.  He comes back in to bed and I say "Not going in?" and he goes "I feel like shit. I have sore throat." Aw poor baby! Can't work because of a sore throat! He really milked it too and followed that up with a few sniffles but then immediately fell asleep and started snoring. Gee, when you have a sore throat you can never sleep! So another unpaid day today and since he didn't work today, he can't work on Saturday. Now he's down 2 days on this paycheck. Now he can sit home and play his video game all day.

    On top of all this he's been telling me all week that he's got a surprise planned for me on Saturday and hyping it up every day about how fun it's going to be. I've gotten excited about it but now he is supposedly sick and I'm sure he will cancel it.

  • the problems were not just ADD by: Emily1997 9 years 10 months ago

    I've been married almost 18 yrs, together 20.  I was 30 when we met & had two previous short marriages which I left because my husbands "I've got to have kids" clocks went off....and yes I was clear on it before we wed. After each I attended counseling to make sure my emotions were in a healthy place to date again.  Anyway husband #3 & I have been in marital counseling 4x over the years, usually initiated by my not being able to deal with his anger & mood swings.  He also said he didn't know what was going on, sometimes depressed or angry for a week.  We'd stay in counseling until he felt better about things. At first he thought he was paying a counselor to tell me I'm messed up and it didn't happen but even so I was pretty beat up every session.  My having more say was always meant to be next time and so he felt better. Meanwhile we'd read marriage books, about 15 over the years, do the exercises & discuss them. It never stuck more than a couple months.  I'd also spend time reading other information on the internet that I read of in the books.  I'd spend a few hours a week reading about healthy marriages & sending some articles to my husband.  No matter what he didn't seem to have time for me.  I wasn't a priority, my health was not a priority. We spend at least 50% of our time apart due to his job & when he is home it is tense.  I also travel to other countries. I occasionally asked him how he felt about our marriage among other things & he always reassured me he was sure. Thankfully early on we put me in charge of finances. I felt he really didn't like me as a human.

    Year 15 his anger was particularly intense even though we were on opposite sides of the planet.  I suggested counseling to help us figure things out & he was diagnosed w/ ADD.  Let me clarify that the first thing this doctor did was tell him it was not ok to talk to me that way or even think about me that way & I should not let him do it ever again.  Good by me as others had wanted to know his "why" which then took the entire session.  The doctor suggested resources, my husband didn't do any but it did give me a tool to help w/ his anger.  He cannot medicate because of his job but he hasn't done any of the other suggestions. We did read a short e-book & he does send me the occasional article on how I should deal with him.  I often hear "well you know that is just how I am".  At that time I remember a crazy thought going through my head "I can make it until retirement".  I learned all I could on the internet and even found this site...that was 2011. I sent the link to my husband.

    Six months later I had developed heart health problems. Year 17 (once again he was on FB instead of doing something w/ me re. anniversary).  That day I started reading "am I in a healthy relationship?" instead of "how to save my marriage" and site after site it was NO.  So after 2 years (fr 2012) I have traced it back to the stress of my marriage.  I went to individual counseling as I felt like I was grieving my marriage & anxiety of being reunited w/ my husband.  I was told that it might not just be the ADD.  I couldn't think of one time I'd felt at peace in my marriage, not even the first couple years. I have felt that I was loved a couple times. What if we get to retirement, he decides to medicate and our relationship is still the same?  I continued counseling.  I showed him the tests I did on #17 and he agrees on my answers & showed me how his are different.

    Looking back I realize I enabled him because I didn't want the anger and the blaming.  I believed in making a marriage work, work & sacrifice it was.  Until 2011 he thought everything was my fault, openly said so and treated me as if I was defective. Not horrible, but lots of little things all the time, it became my norm.  I also realized through counseling that I had many self coping things that I'd been doing since the beginning & my body had run out of options.  I think my husband is a pretty aware guy so I decided to discuss some things with him.  It was 3 hours of my taking notes. I was in shock for 3 days & alone on my 50th birthday, it was rough.  He had married me out of guilt, he had wanted to divorce me 4x (remember the 4x above?), he stopped wanting to do things with me at year 2, he stopped trying to actively change me at year 10, he really wanted out year 5-6 but pretended it was a phase & accepted that "better or worse" & our marriage was a worse.  He expected me to be an entirely independent entity even though I had to stop work when we moved outside of the US-this explains $$ attitudes & having a lifestyle that didn't include me.  He admitted he has grown to love me.

    I have done most things in our relationship once I stopped working, including things in his life. I felt I was getting things done so we could spend time together & he thought I was earning my keep.  Once I even proposed a salary so I could set my own work hours.  We stopped holidays & celebrations-prep is too much stress. He goes to work & often cooks dinner.  I now realize he dumping all his life stuff on me made it so I have no life. I was delusional in thinking I was appreciated. His finding out he has ADD just gave him an excuse to continue.  We have both been in trying mode the entire time. When he would realize it he buried his head in the sand (year 5-6), when I finally realized it (year 17) I took action and now want out.  I don't see ADD as a reason to not be honest with your spouse.  Especially considering this spouse gave up their job, life to support your career.  ADD may impact how it is handled such as viewing time, impulse issues, procrastination but being ok w/ "worse" and lies by omission I'm not okay with at all.  

    When I first started reading this site I thought that the problems in our marriage must be the ADD. I've been actively coping w/ his ADD since 2011, many things were already tools we used. We tried marital counseling again, he does only what the counselor says (kiss wife goodnight++), he does not do his homework and tells me I'm in a phase or should take a pill or learn to accept things or have more orgasms. Some days he tells me he wouldn't want to be married to him either. Another one he wants to be invited if I marry again. Neither of us have regrets yet accept it is not a happy/healthy place for either of us. The truth is still confusing.  I'll do what I can to help w/ his anger but things after attempt #2 got so intense we both realized he needs a professional....which he hasn't scheduled yet.  He schedules marital counseling when I say I'm going to individual, that is what reminds him.  If the counselor says do 4 things, 4 got it.  We have mastered being tolerant & know the right things to do in a relationship.  We are good roommates.  As long as what I do does not impact/inconvenience him in any way we are good. I have asked for discernment counseling to figure out if we should be together at all.  Because of the ADD I've offered to help him with logistics of his life and do all the legal requirements if we get to that. He says he will pay me for logistics help.

    I think ADD is a contributor but in our case things turned out to be more than just "issues" or ADD.  We should all dig deeper to be sure what we are dealing with.  I almost lived my life in a false reality.

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