Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • DH's latest hyperfocus by: boilergirl 10 years 6 months ago

    On the way to Easter at his parent's, DH (who "works" from home on his own business) starts telling me about a book he listened to called The 4-hour work week. Oh good, let's try and find a way to do even less work. He starts telling me how this guy finds ways to work and still have adventures and do things. He said he doesn't want to wake up one day to my son being 16 and realizing we have not taken many trips, etc. with the kids. Well, no kidding...do you think I like telling them no to everything b/c we have no money? So I say, well that is great, but just not doable till we pay off debt (like the over 20K in credit card bills). Then, he says I am always negative and the first words out of my mouth are "no". Well, maybe I would be more positive if you brought home more than the $2000 in one year's time from getting fired. He brought up how he is tired of spending his weekends and money on our house. Oh, the foreclosure that you insisted on and I did not want??? The one that needed a lot of work and I had an 18 month old, you worked full time, and I was pregnant??? But, of course, I was negative back then when I voiced my opinion about this house. He even told me how the author used the acronym for adult ADD as Adventure-deficit-disorder (insert eye roll).

    The one positive in this is it has made him take a good look at our finances and actually start making steps to contribute.

    Then the other day, again, out of the blue, he asks me how my job search is going for teaching jobs for the fall. I told him that not much was posted yet. He asked if I was interested in broadening my search since we aren't tied to this house/town, are we??? I almost cried right there and then out of utter frustration and disbelief. So, in 3-4 months time, you think I can a.) put out resumes and applications all over b.) hopefully interview for jobs c.) hopefully get a job d.) put together a classroom and plan after having been out of the field for 9 years. e.) sell a house that has a billion half-done projects ready to sell e.) Look for a place to live in the new city f.) pack up house  g.) all the while parenting our 2 children. Oh sure, piece of cake. He has no where in mind to move...it just popped in his head and he is incapable of thinking through the reality of that. 

    I just realized that even if he gets treatment, this will be my life...chaos. We will never be settled in this house. He has moved bushes in the yard 3 different times. We had a nice little garden, yet he feels the need to tear it up and double the size (it is only in the tear-up stages). There are buckets/piles of rocks all around our house. After getting the garage cleaned up for DD's birthday last year, he decides on a whim to tear out all the drywall so he can insulate it. You can just guess how that is going (over a year later.) I mean, he will never be content. And yes, I want adventure, but controlled adventure. And I just don't think I will ever have it with him.

  • Progress I am making (by myself) and hope (I feel) by: PoisonIvy 10 years 6 months ago

    Today is my 29th wedding anniversary.  My husband mostly lives with his parents. He never initiates communication, and today was no different on that score.  Although I felt kind of sad this morning, the day has actually been pretty good.  I worked at home (my job has been a financial and emotional lifesaver); I finished reading a book (I have lots of time to read); I walked and played with my new dog (she's been with me for a month; she's much friendlier than my husband); I did some cleaning and straightening up (a task that has always fallen to me, even though most of the stuff in the house belongs to my husband and my daughters).  One thing I didn't do:  contact my husband.  If I said "Happy Anniversary," I'd be lying; it's not a happy occasion for me.  If I said the truth, he'd either not respond or criticize me for my honesty.

  • DH never wants to go to anything I want to, but gets upset becasue I don't want to go to his race weekend. by: Anonymous (not verified) 10 years 6 months ago

    My husband had his first motorcycle race of the season this weekend. Let me preface this by saying I have gone to every one of the races he's gone to except one other one and that was only because it was pouring rain all weekend. He always says I don't HAVE to go with him and if that was the case I may go to one race and let him go alone to the others. The races are all day Sat and Sun and he likes to go Friday evening and get set up so we don't have to leave at 5AM on Saturday morning. We don't get a hotel room and instead sleep on the floor of  his 6' x 12' motorcycle trailer on an air mattress. It's cold and there are no showers or even running water at the track. It's his thing. He is always off talking bikes with all his buddies while I sit there and read. I don't mind going for a couple of hours but hate the overnight, not to mention 2 overnights. He says he likes having me there, but I don't know why as he gets upset because I can't set the pop up tent up right with him, I don't know how to unload the trailer correctly, I don't understand what he wants me to do when he points at something because I can't hear him over the bike engine. He makes me feel like an absolute moron! I started taking chairs out of the trailer when we got there once and got berated because he needed to get the bike out before I did anything. Then I set up the chairs and he got all huffy and moved them because they were in the way. Then I sit in the truck feeling like I'm 12 years old and can't be expected to help because I can't get anything right. Yet I sit there and not do anything and he gets mad because I'm not doing anything. Sooooo do I sit there and do nothing or try and help and piss you off because I'm not doing it right?? It's a Catch-22! Then it sucks to see other couples getting along so well setting things up together and nobody getting yelled at because they aren't doing it right. Just me.

    Like I said, he says I don't HAVE to go, but then tries to coerce me to come down with someone else on Saturday instead so I just have to spend one night instead of two. I don't want to go...PERIOD!  I know I will hear when he gets home tomorrow about how everyone else's wife was there cheering them on and how much fun it was and it was the first race of the season and how nice it would have been to have me there. Why? So your buddies can see just how hunky dory our marriage is? You leave me in the pits and run off to see other people and I can't find you half the time!

    Lets see, I ask you to take a walk with me and you say "Have fun, I'm going to stay here and play video games". I ask you to go see a show with me and you say 'I'm not really into that, ask one of your girlfriends". I ask you to join a volleyball league with me and you say "I don't think that's something I'd be into". I ask you to volunteer with me and you say "That sounds like something that's tailored to you." You don't want to do any of my interests, but when I don't want to go to the track with you for ONE race you act all despondent and that I don't care.

  • Today's insight on the physical effects of stress by: I'm So Exhausted 10 years 6 months ago

    It is sunny here and the skies are clear.  A perfect day to spend out in our 10 acres cleaning my gardens.  On with the sweatshirt and gardening gloves, step out the door - and less than 15 minutes later I am on the couch with nausea, light-headedness and abdominal distress.  Everywhere I looked is a partially completed project, little messes here and there, and things, things, things, things. 

    My marriage is strained past the breaking point.  My life's responsibilities are way out of balance - I have assumed all responsibility for the housework, and the finances for both our household and those of my spouses construction business.  I have things out of order of priority and  I do not afford myself the proper amount of time to do well in my college classes.

    More or less the only person I can rely upon is me.  Myself.  I.  Our income is surely not adequate to feel a comfort zone.  I cannot speak openly to my spouse when I am stressed, worried or angry.  Chores, money and daily living are not things that can be casually discussed.  I guess I really do try to do everything by myself, as I cannot rely on my spouse to follow through.   Agreed upon chores go undone.   I realized I no longer ask, because I do not want to deal with frustration.   

    I cannot organize my life effectively as so much of it is lived with  fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants chaos.  

    I am not coping well under all this pressure - because right now  I wanted to be enjoying the yardwork - not lying on the couch trying to get undizzy.

    What has been foremost on my mind this past week - How to unravel what I have done with my life.  How to disengage.  How to separate our financial responsibility.  How not to run away, but restructure MY life.  This should not all be a conundrum for me.  I have been a member of Al-Anon for years.  Yet I am wrapped up in over helping and co-existing in a marriage affected by a spouse with an ADHD wired brain, which he acknowledges.  Surely, at Al-Anon they hear frustration, and say "Yes he has a drinking problem.  You can do nothing until he accepts it.  Now how can we help YOU with how it is affecting your life?.  He drinks because he chooses to drink. You are not to blame for his drinking."

    ADHD diagnosed in the later 50s in a cruel harsh beast.  He is alone because he is not fun to work with.  He says no one wants to work hard anymore.  He is alone because he cannot 'agree to disagree.'  He is right, they are wrong, and they also have a whole list of character defects that make it "right" to choose not to be with them.  Family.  Friends.  

    I don't want to abandon him, but it is already taking too much of a physical toll on me.   I think I really do want to give him an ultimatum:  Choose your life, as it is - with all the poor coping skills you have developed over the years by not knowing about the ADHD.  Or choose me.  

    I do want to be chosen.

    I do want to be cherished.

    I do want to feel loved for what I bring to our relationship - not just because I can provide intimacy for him.

    I have realized to my horror that his has taken over every living breathing second of my life.  It is overshadowing EVERYTHING.  It feels like a defeat.  It feels like a disappointment. It has consumed me.  It permeates into every discussion I have - with everyone - everywhere.  I have discovered I have isolated myself as I do not know how to share the difficulty of this challenge without appearing to trash the man.   

    I agreed to enter into counseling again - yet again - as he assured me he has accomplished what was required to be able to do couple's work:   be reliable in the relationship, be more than 90% on time, finish what he says he will do, remember what he should be doing, communicate when he isn't going to do something before it becomes a crisis, has the anger in check.

    How not to sound defeatest.  He is 90% of the time on time - because we don't have any set plans for anything for the past many months.  We do not have a set dinner time.  He does not have a set work schedule.  I do not rely on him.  He forgot/ignored more than half of the 8-week financial course we took, and did only one day of homework.

    He insists he has accomplished all those, and - again - the issue is me because I won't acknowledge his progress.  

    I am trying to focus on my actions.  The groceries need to be bought.  The bills need to be paid.  The house needs to be cleaned.  The trash needs to go out.  And I need to drown out his angry words of "I wish people could see what I have to live with.  A wife who punishes me.  No other man would stand for it."  

     

     

  • Stalemate by: jennalemon 10 years 6 months ago

    I have been thinking along the lines of couples who live very independently and couples who like to be together more - sharing their lives.  I watch "Wife Swap" when it happens to be on and I notice that in many marriages there is a difference in the amount of "togetherness" couples desire.  Sometimes it is both the people in the coupledom that like the independence and/or the togetherness and sometimes it is one or the other who like more independence from the marriage.  I would like to be together more with a husband. Dh has been independent of the marriage from the first day.   Dh keeps things from me and does not share ANY information about his doings when he is not at home. It feels like he is doing something shameful, or illegal or wrong when he is so secretive.  He does not have a place of business...he is a "salesman" from our home.....but he is gone every day.    I know that a wife could "get" the togetherness with her husband if she is more cuddly and smoochy but I feel used and uncared for when he does not make a living or has not put away money for our retirement and does not talk or share with me. Guys, if you don't carry the burden financially and don't share your life with us, don't expect the cuddly, smoochy from us....it degrades you and us both.  So, the circle comes around that if he isn't getting the cuddles, he is not going to talk to me and share his life.  If he doesn't work and be financially viable and talk to me, I am not going to smooch.   Stalemate.......stale mate.

  • How to let go of resentment? by: redhead1017 10 years 6 months ago

    I am really struggling with resenting my DH. He got a great job a couple weeks ago (after being unemployed for more than two years) and promptly was fired for something, details are vague. This is the third job he's had in three years, he gets fired or laid off every time. When he's home, he putzes around the house and spends hours shopping online or creating rants for message forums. I have SO MUCH resentment built up towards him for the last 22 years of this; if it wasn't for me, we would be homeless. I am not ready to divorce, I want to make this relationship work, but he sees no problem with his behavior and refuses to get help or change. 

    So once again, it has to begin with me. How do you let go of resentment and stop "feeding the beast"? I don't want to feel angry and bitter all the time, but it's so difficult. 

  • Another thing DH didn't think through...but now followed by pure bliss! by: Anonymous (not verified) 10 years 6 months ago

    So all I've been hearing about for the past month is "It's almost the first race weekend". DH races motorcycles and has been super pumped about this weekend. His bike has been sitting in the garage since the end of the season last September. He tried firing it up in Feb. for the first time but it wouldn't start. He figured he needed a new battery, which he got and it seemed to work fine. In March he tried again and it would turn over but then eventually sputter out. Hooked up the laptop to it (because it has a computer core) and tried to diagnose the problem. The laptop crashed in the process and he restarted it but then that seemed to screw up the bike and it wouldn't get the signal to start. Well he tried and tried to figure it out himself (you know 10 minutes in the garage followed by an hour of something else then back to the garage) and finally last Saturday called the dealership and asked if they could reflash the computer so it would work. They said they could. He has this huge sigh of relief and sets up an appt for today at 3PM. Okay the fact that your bike doesn't start is a MAJOR issue and you are just going to casually stop by on way to the track after work on Friday with full knowledge that they will be able to fix the problem? The track is 2 hours away, probably more in heavy traffic, but he tells me that it should only take them 30 minutes to fix. Yes...PROBABLY!

    So instead I took yesterday off and graciously offered to take the bike up to be fixed. The appt was at 10AM so I left the house around 9:30. It takes them about 1/2 hour just to type in the info and get the bike out of the trailer. After an hour they tell me they need the one key that I don't have on me and was never told I would need by DH. I call DH and he says well you can go back to the house and get it and turn around and go back or we can do it later this afternoon or I can just bring it to them tomorrow on my way to the track. I like to get things done and drive the 1/2 hour home to get the key and come back about 1:30. once again I sit there for about an hour and  then the guy comes out and tells me that the computer is fried and they will have to send it in to be fixed. Ergo that means no racing for DH so I get home about 3:30. So this quick fix that he thought would be no problem to fix on his way to the track really took a total of 6 hours with 2 trips and waiting and then only to be told it doesn't run. Why would you let some major issue like that wait until the day of?!

    So I get home and DH is all bummed out and I am too because I was REALLY looking forward to having the house to myself for almost 3 full days! Well about an hour later after he had posted all his woes on Facebook, one of his fellow racers said they could race his bike. He took him up on the offer and the 3 days weekend is back on!!! He left for work at 4AM and is leaving for the track right from work. Let the fun begin!!! Actually for me fun is cleaning. I am an extremely organized and clean person and this will give me time to get the place spic and span!

  • What should people talk about before marriage? by: PoisonIvy 10 years 6 months ago

    In the spirit of making lemonade out of the lemon of a marriage that I ended up with (29 years on Sunday!), I'm trying to think of what I'd advise people contemplating marriage to talk to their prospective spouses about.  This is not intended to bash people with ADHD.  I think EVERYBODY should give more thought to marriage before they take the plunge.  Here are some things I've come up with; please share your thoughts, too!

    Talk about your plans.  If your prospective spouse recoils at the words "plan" and "future," take note.  

    Discuss how you feel about intentional change.  Does your prospective spouse think he or she is done developing and growing or does he or she think adults can purposely evolve and change?  

    Explore your prospective spouse's approach to problem solving.  You WILL have problems when you're married; everyone does.  The difference is in how people deal with the problems.  

    Observe your spouse's housekeeping habits.  If they bother you now, they will probably continue to bother you.  

     

  • ADHD boyfriend- I'm getting frustrated by: ADDBoy4Me 10 years 6 months ago

    Hi everyone. I am new to this board and found it after someone recommended my boyfriend of 2 years (we'll call him Andy) be evaluated for ADHD.  After reading several books, prowling forums, and reviewing research articles, I am wondering how I have missed all the signs and symptoms for two years!  Fortunately Andy has agreed to go through with an ADHD assessment and (hopefully) treatment but I have some questions for all the non-ADHD partners who have years of experience under their belt because, right now, I feel a little like Alice tumbling down the rabbit hole...

    Andy has classic ADD symptoms:

    • Poor time management- at one point he got so involved with a video game on his computer one weekend that the entire day passed and he didn't even notice.  When I finally reached him 4 hours after we had planned to meet (he didn't even notice his phone ringing the first few times), he was shocked that so much time had passed.
    • Blanking out during conversations (and it's partner in crime, forgetfulness)
    • Poor financial management- he is an impulsive spender.  Despite (or perhaps the cause of?) the fact that he has credit card debt which that money could go toward, he still seems to have several new gadgets each week. 
    • Shuts down when he is overwhelmed by detail.
    • Poor planning ability.

    He is in his early 30's, has the same, stable job for the last 4 years, and seems like he should be well into his journey to adulthood.  But instead, he continues to bounce from roommate situation to roommate situation where he rents a room at someone else's house (and all because he doesn't want the responsibility of a lease or being an official renter).  All of his previous adult relationships have lasted no more than a year because the girl has broken it off.  He constantly talks about buying a house or a new car but there is no action toward making that happen (saving, budgeting, etc.) and the way he spends his money indicates that this isn't a priority.  He self medicates with video games on his phone to the point where I can't have a 15 second conversation with him without him pulling his phone out and diverting his attention to it. It seems that he is just content to play the goofy "oh that's just Andy" role rather than taking on adult responsibilities.

    Seeing these as symptoms of his brain working differently than mine, rather than taking them as personal indications of his involvement in/value of our relationship, has made a huge difference in my ability to handle many of these situations.  However, my question is this- where do you draw the line between the symptoms and the person's actual personality/motivation/desires?

    This question stems from the fact that after 2 years he still has no answer when I ask him where he sees this relationship going.  I ask him what he wants for his life (marriage, kids, a house, etc.) and he says he doesn't know and doesn't really think about the future.  Is this complete lack of future goals/desires (even in a very general way) a common occurrence for people with ADHD?  I worry that I am desperately clinging to the ADHD possibility as the reason for the indecisiveness, but instead it might actually just be how he operates regardless of the diagnosis.  I love him and support him but I also know that he is the master in conflict avoidance, so telling me that his life goals are different than mine is not something he would be inclined to do.  Because of this, I worry that I will spend another 2 years with someone who has no life goals that coincide with mine.  I will support him as he goes through this process no matter what, but I am curious if I am just being naive in thinking that treatment for ADHD will solve this issue.

    Any insight you have would be much appreciated. :-)

  • HELP AND POSITIVE ADVICE PLEASE!! by: girl1992 10 years 6 months ago

    i recently uploaded a forum under another topic explaining that some people close to me dont fully grasp or undertstand my relationship with my partner who has ADHD... i am not married and am rather young however i love my partner very much.

    in particular my mother has just begun to harrass/speak me about my boyfriend. she thinks he is very nice etc but says that I will never live a happy life with him. she makes presumptions such as he has will only ever have the emotional maturity of a 14 year old and offends me by saying that i am dellusional if i stay with him, its sad and so on. I have always been a very listening person and i tried very hard to take on her opinions that I cannot change but to expressed she isnt correct about everything ... she cant make assumptions and simply presume i am delusional etc...

    i do realise she only wants what is best for me (keeping in mind she is still with her husband that abused her for a very long time) so i try to respect her and her opinions as much as possible but i need to do what I know. and know one knows your relationship like you do. However, it is making it hard for me since It makes me sad etc

    she is only judging what she sees on the "outside" and making presumptions that she wont back down on for the rest of it. I dont really know what I am asking but i really want help and advice please.... 

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