My mom said "I'm not sure if this is the 'real' him that you never knew, or if this is a manifestation of the difficult situation he is in. Either way, it does not excuse poor behavior." 

The poor behavior is my bf under-appreciating me, making excuses for not trying to meet my needs, and being condescending to me. I am trying to figure out if this is part of his personality or a defense mechanism for the ADHD thought-process.

He has been unsuccessfully applying to jobs for almost a year. On Monday night I helped him write a great cover letter for a job (I am a good writer and work as an editor) and he barely thanked me. During the week he gets caught up in whatever he is doing and doesn't make time for me. He texts me here and there and doesn't make plans or have real conversation. Last night he didn't text me back for a while (I had texted him wanting to hear about his day), and he said it was because he was "deep in conversation" at a bar with some guy he knew from law school. I told him I don't know the last time we were deep in conversation, and I need him to plan face-to-face time where he expresses interest in talking to me. I tried to explain my feelings, that I am working all the time and feel like he does whatever he wants without regard to what I want. He said he just can't meet my needs, and I said it seems like he doesn't want to because he didn't even try. Then he had the nerve to say to me that he is "really tired of hearing about how I am not working." As if by me saying I am working I am criticizing him for not working? As if I would criticize him after helping him with the letter? I told him I don't feel appreciated in regard to helping him with the letter, and he just said "I really do appreciate it, but I'm still applying, still moving." It sounds like he is a celebrity looking for his next role! 

He is not showing appreciation or humility. He only calls me or sees me when it is convenient for him. He gives acquaintances more undivided attention. He isn't close enough to anyone else to where they would actually tell him their feelings and expect him to consider them. He constantly tells me I make him feel not good enough, and then he acts like he is better than me and doesn't have to address my feelings. He has been acting more this way since he has been living with his parents and siblings, who have a superiority complex and are rude to each other. My mom said he is treating me like the enemy, which I have said before. He is lovey-dovey on the weekends when we are together and then treats me this way during the week when he is living at home. Can someone try to help me understand if this is ADHD or something else? 

I'm feeling a lot of grief right now.  My husband, who has diagnoses of ADHD, anxiety, and depression, did something that exposed me to legal liability.  If the injured party chooses to pursue me, I could end up paying thousands of dollars in damages and might be subject to discipline by my state's lawyer regulatory agency.  Because I have no way of preventing my husband from engaging in further behavior of this type (or other illegal or negligent acts), the only way I have to protect myself and my livelihood is to get a divorce and forbid my husband from being in our house.  My husband and I have had a lot of problems over the years, but I've never before felt that total physical and legal separation was required.  Now I do.  Does anyone have ideas for how I can pull myself out of the pit of sadness I'm in now?

 I thought I could help my husband be someone better than he was. I thought that was being supportive. And I thought he would appreciate that. He may have even asked me to help him do that. Now I think he hates me for trying to do that. I would hate it if someone put their focus on me, to better me.  The fact is....he gets to be who he is and who he wants to be.  I get to be who I am and who I want to be.  I have stopped trying to help him be different.  It might mean we have nothing left....but I must stop focusing on him and get on with a life that I can be proud of myself.  I wanted to be a WE but I am really only an I.  I wanted to be a team but I must stop trying so hard to make my partner be the team partner I thought I needed him to be.  It means I have to shift my focus and put my attention on other things other than him.  It means I must make a painful hole where the relationship was (in my own fantasy and goals) in order to let in room for real opportunities where I can fill my heart and soul with love and joy rather than disappointment and resentment.

I have been one to look to others for validation and direction in many areas of my life.  I am taking baby steps to trust my own value and strength.  I am me.... Now that I am grown up, I am not just a husband's wife, a parent's daughter, a child's mother, a sister's sister.  God will not condemn me to hell for having a will and mind of my own, being what I was created to be. It is my destiny and life challenge to live using all my abilities, passion, feelings and power - free of anyone else's preferences for me. I don't have to play the perfect model of what I think (guessing their thoughts) others would like me to be.  Now I get to know and feel who I want to be outside of the chains I put on my own self. 

I strive, no I permit my self, to live and put my attention more in the present moment (where life happens) and less in the past and future - permitting myself to stop my bad habit of focusing on regrets and fears and creating more moments of bliss and gratitude.  That is probably what lured me to my husband in the early days...he permitted me to step out of my goal-orientated, careful world and made moments for me to laugh and enjoy a light-hearted silliness - somehow I wrongly interpreted his permission as love.  

Now I get to learn how to quench my own desire for joy and love in more beneficial, adult ways, not expecting others to do the job for me. I don't need someone else's permission to be happy and light.  I don't need someone to "set the scene" for me to take time to enjoy life.  I can set up my own enjoyable environments and permit myself to take a break from the heavy load of responsibilities I have created for myself.  I can make it a good habit to take responsibility for my well-being upon my own self.

Maybe giving permission to laugh and enjoy is a form of love.

My husband illegally downloaded material from the Internet while he was at our house over the weekend.  (He mostly lives with his parents, for whom he provides caregiving services, now.)  I received a warning letter from our Internet provider. I'm extremely upset.  Is there any way I can keep him from doing this in the future, short of preventing him from bringing his computer into the house when he is here?  Thank you.