Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Random thought of the night by DH! by: Anonymous (not verified) 10 years 6 months ago

    We moved into our house 9 months ago. Our next door neighbors have 3 chihuahuas which bark morning, noon and night. If you even step foot in our backyard they hear you and start barking and the people don't tell them to be quiet or else it takes them 2 minutes to figure maybe they should say something. So about 2 hours after I get home DH tells me that he was out talking with the guy earlier and he told him that they are just renting the place and the guy who owns it wants to sell it so they are moving out by August. I told him that that is the best news I have heard in a long time! Finally we will hopefully get some peace and quiet.

    Then he tells me that we should buy the place and rent it out and that way we can choose our neighbors! ARE.YOU. KIDDING.???!!! You who have no savings, $10,000 in student loans to pay, $4,000 loan from work to pay, 2 credit card payments, don't go to work half the time and can't pay your share of a single bill and are 1/2 owner on our house that we paid nearly $200,000 for (which by the way you never pay your share of the mortgage)  think it's a great idea to invest in a rental?! Yes lets add one more debt to everything! Oh but he says we'll be making hand over foot it we do that. Have you lost your frickin' mind! 

  • Understanding Implied Meaning--That's not what I meant! by: silent scream 10 years 6 months ago

    I'm new to this site and this is my first post. I could put together a decent list of ADHD issues that impact (or could seriously impact, if we lived in the same house and/or were legally married) our relationship, but I wanted to ask first about the ADHD partner misunderstanding communication. This one is going to tear us apart and be our downfall in the end (which may be here soon....).  My partner of 8 years (on and off) will misinterpret something I've said---usually something lighthearted---and become impatient with me, even to the point of getting angry. Each time it happens, I feel like I'm going down a rabbit hole of crazy.

    He isn't a mean person; he actually has a big heart and can be a softie. But, for some reason, he takes things I say "wrong" then gets very upset when I try to tell him "that's not what I meant at all". I'm rarely (if ever) able to explain myself---it just makes things worse. So I give up quickly and withdraw until its safe to "reappear". I haven't attempted to "fix" these efforts because it so easily devolves into another negative exchange. The saddest part is he's angry over something SILLY I said that he somehow took wrong. Here's one of my favorite examples:

         I was finishing up a month of skin pre-cancer treatment on my face. It was broken out in red splotches and too sore to try to wear makeup, in fact, I was wearing Aquaphor all over my face to work, which looks pretty attractive. During a phone conversation he asked if I wanted to go out that night to eat. I, KIDDINGLY and in a self deprecating way said "Sure if you want to be seen with me wearing a bag over my head" and then laughed. I was saying "yes" but warning him I'm lookin' pretty bad. I was also just joking about my face treatment. And I was in a good mood.

         Instead of saying "OK where do you want to go?" or "Oh I don't mind you wearing a bag over your head, haha", he says THIS:  "I ASKED you if you wanted to go out! Of COURSE I want to go out and I don't care what your face looks like! I wouldn't have ASKED you!!". He is impatient and irritable and quickly raising his voice. As usual, even though you'd think I'd be used to it, I'm thinking "Omg, here we go again. Why is he saying that? Why is he acting like I said some horrible thing? I'm being silly about how I look".   I go into a bit of shock mode when this happens.

         I try to calmly tell him "I know you asked me, [partner's name]. I'm just being silly, you know, self deprecating. Why are you so mad?" He's still "yelling" at me about how I could even ask him if he really wanted to go out. I raise my voice enough for him to hear me try to "explain myself" but he raises his louder. Then he begins saying "SEE, NOW we're ARGUING!"  I now know the conversation is doomed, so I say "OK, [partner's name], this isn't a big deal, I was just being silly, you're mad, let's just hang up, OK?"  He's still mad. He goes on another minute. I repeat that we should hang up. He hangs up without saying goodbye.

         Nice. And, no, we didn't go out that night.  This happens regularly in slightly different variations, but always the same theme. The added frustration is if I try to explain myself, he is just as angry because now I am telling him he's "wrong" once again and that he just can't understand anything. I realize this last part is probably due to his being criticized in his life for not understanding things (I assume). He wasn't diagnosed until his early forties.

    Bottom line: he can't seem to roll with the flow of some conversations and gets upset over the lightest of things at times. Is this an ADHD thing and does anyone have this experience? I'm at a loss. I've wanted so many times to talk about it calmly (at a later time), but am afraid to try as he quickly gets impatient and irritable.

  • Parent pole by: jennalemon 10 years 6 months ago

    Just curious. Spouses, what was/is your relationship with your father?  I ask because it occurs to me that if I could have talked to my Dad about these things and been assured that I would get support and that he would believe me, I could have made the necessary changes I needed to from the beginning and laying out the groundwork to be respected....or maybe I would never have had the over-tolerance to dh's actions and inaction and irresponsibilities.  I never mentioned to my Dad about any problems...I only wanted him to be proud of me and believe I was OK....so he never knew what I was putting up with.  I wanted to please my Dad and he didn't pay much attention to me . I even remember wanting to choose someone to marry so that my DAD would be comfortable with my spouse.  Just wondering if there is a pattern.  Many of us seem to be pleasers to our own detriment....afraid to make work to our own wants and needs met and then confused and angry because we don't get our needs met.  Afraid to lay down the law with consequences.  Any thoughts?

    Come to think of it, I told my Mom some of the things going on and she dismissed them with, "When life hands you lemons, make lemonde".  Then told me of her own woes as if these were expected things in love and life.   End of my talking about it.  No advice or offers of support.  I am not angry at them.  It is just the way it was normal with our family....not to talk about real problems.  It was the age of repression in some families I guess.  In my family, not one went to parents with problems because having a problem meant there was something wrong with you as in, "What's the matter with you?"  

    I would suggest, if you have parents yet, to practice asserting your own needs even if small, with them....if you can.  Is there a connection?

  • . by: Anonymous (not verified) 10 years 6 months ago

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  • non adhd'ers loosing friends by: dedelight4 10 years 6 months ago

    Here's another question for you guys. Have some of you "non's" lost friends because of the challenges of living with an ADHD'er? (mainly the undertreated and undiagnosed, like our situation) I have lost many friends along the way, mainly due to the craziness in our house. My husband has hyperactive AND inattentive ADHD, and when he enters a room, it's like a tornado just touched down. He talks LOUD, and RUNS through the house, (not walking) and takes over every conversation. When I would have people over, everyone would take a huge sigh of relief when he would leave the room to go do something else. It's not that he was BAD or anything, it's just the ADHD was SO OVERWHELMING, and my husband can NOT SEE IT. Plus, he STILL doesn't believe me when I try to explain some of these actions and reactions to ADHD. Even if friends thought my husband was a "really great guy" out in the real world, it was different when they actually came to our house. THEN.....things were different. They could see the reactions and interaction he was having with US, (his family) and it didn't match what he was "telling" them. My husband complained non stop about our family to other people, that I'm surprised they even kept on listening. But, when they would MEET me, and talk with me and our girls, their experience of BEING with us, didn't match his complaints to them about us. I know they were confused.

         I've tried to have friends, but I've been so exhausted, that taking time to be with girlfriends and others (besides work) is too taxing, but it's also necessary to have friends. There's another thing as well ...... I've also noticed that I'm an ADHD MAGNET. Several of my girlfriends turned out to be ADHD, as well as my husband, which made me do an exhaustive search about myself. I read tons of books about co-dependency, dependency, adhd, addictions, narcissism, and toxic relationships, etc. and this is where I learned where I was adding to my own demise in certain areas, as well as learning of new ways to live life. My husband didn't care that I was learning all this, but took HUGE OFFENSE when I  learned about issues that were concerning him and us. It was, "Don't tell me there is anything wrong with me or us".  I know every person has to have their own "AHA" moments, where you finally get some introspect into your own soul, and I was hoping that my husband could share some of this WITH me, to where we could learn together.  IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. As long as I did it on my own, that was okay, just don't bother HIM with it.

         I've LOST friends also because of the "time factor" also. I haven't had any TIME to have close friendships. There is always SO MUCH TO DO, all the time, every day, every hour, until exhaustion sets in once again. I know I've put so much time and physical energy into our marriage, that there isn't enough of me to go around. I know I still have much more to learn about myself, and will continue to do so. But, was just wondering how many of you guys out there have friend issues as well. Thanks for any input.

  • Impact of Spouse's ADHD on Our Kids by: kasparl 10 years 6 months ago

    Hi,

    We're currently participating in the couples seminar.  We're struggling a lot with my husband's undertreated ADHD.  My husband has had difficulty sustaining long term employment due to ADHD behaviors / poor executive skills.  About 5 years ago, when he was out of work, again, we decided to make lemonade out of lemons and try having him homeschool our kids, who were 9 and 2 at the time because private school wasn't an option and we weren't happy with our public school.  We didn't know about the ADHD at the time.  Our eldest has aspergers and some aspects of ADHD (which we also didn't know at the time).  Our youngest has blessedly been neurotypical.

    It hasn't been very successful, in a lot of ways.  My husband and my eldest have fought a LOT.   They are unkind to one another.  My eldest needs structure - my ADHD husband abhors it.  My eldest can be quite inflexible and argumentative.  My husband either retreats and refuses to teach him, or blows up at him.  My house has a lot of discord.  My husband doesn't have the skills to plan out a lesson, let alone a week or a year's curriculum. Rather, he prefers to teach what comes to mind, if anything.  This results in my children not getting the kind of education I feel they need.  It has also resulted in considerable extra effort for me as I have tried, more and more, to manage it and to compensate for my spouse.  My husband and I are fighting a lot, too.

    We face many ADHD issues in our marriage (messiness, sleep schedules, distractability, reliability, etc, etc) but by far the biggest cause of discord at this point is what I see as the effect of my husband's behavior on our children.  Naturally, he doesn't imagine his behavior impacts them in the way I believe it does.  Additionally, he lacks the skills (he can't show them how to plan out a science project and work on it for a few weeks, no way!) and follow through to make a long term meaningful improvement.  Just today I learned that my youngest, now 6, is treating his playmates badly - speaking to them unkindly in ways that to me appear to mirror what he watches his father and brother do on a nearly daily basis.  It's just one more thing.

    I'm strongly considering giving up homeschooling and sending the kids to public school.  I am exhausted and need the help (from a professional teacher) and I am concerned they aren't getting enough education and enough organizational skills at home, in addition to the fighting and poor modeling happening in our house.  I am really sad about this because we were very committed to homeschooling and I really wanted this for my children, neither of whom are eager to go to public school, and both of whom have close friendships in the homeschooling community that would likely be strained by the change.  Nonetheless I am plagued by constant worry that although we chose to homeschool our children because we thought it would be better for them, because my spouse's ADHD was undiagnosed and has remained way under treated, that we've unwittingly done them a great disservice and that public school, while not ideal, may very well be better for them than this.

    My husband, understandably, does not want to be "fired" from another job (homeschooling dad) and doesn't want to have failed again.  He argues with me that homeschooling is way better for them and that school would be a bad choice.  I personally think homeschooling could and SHOULD be better for them, but being homeschooled this way ISN'T better for them.  

    I'm really sad and really frustrated and really at a loss of what to do.  I can't just step back and continue to let my spouse teach them however he wants - I've seen the results and I'm just not ok with these results as a mother of my 2 children.    I can't pick up all the slack and have a full time executive job AND homeschool them myself and constantly try to be a buffer between spouse and eldest. I've tried to compensate for my spouse's difficulties a LOT (and I am exhausted and it's not enough). I don't want to be the one to "fire" my spouse.   But I need to be a good mother to my kids...

    P.S.  My spouse getting another job would probably be difficult.  His work history is marred by the gap in employment and job losses, and he has struggled to invest the energy to pursue finding another job in the past, instead avoiding much of the job hunting process.  Daycare before and after school and in summer would become an issue at our house again if he did get a job, and would likely eat up much of his earnings.

    :(

     

     

     

     

  • $14.81!!!!!!! by: Anonymous (not verified) 10 years 6 months ago

    THAT is what husband's 2 week paycheck was today!!!! He has dug himself in such a hole. That total amounted to 3 days of work which should have been 10 days and there's 3 more days that SHOULD be on there because he told me he went to work but he just drove around until I left for work myself and then came home. He had $270 taken out for child support, another $35 for cafeteria (bring your damn lunch!) and they couldn't even take out the $130 they do every paycheck for his loans because he didn't have enough. He has also been having this garnishment from whatever from years ago taken out and that usually amounts to over $100 but couldn't take that out either. Every paycheck he has $25 go into his savings and the rest into his checking. His paycheck showed NOTHING into checking and the $14.81 into savings!

    Meanwhile, I got my monthly check which amounted to about $3600. Already paid off $1500 in mortgage and other bills that are due. I can't save anything because every last penny I make goes to paying for everything he can't. I pay an extra at least $1200 a month to cover his share. He won't be helping with his share of ANYTHING. On top of his crappy check he's got 2 credit cards to pay off and student loans. His daughter is coming to visit this weekend. Let me guess, he'll put her train fare on one of his credit cards and then treat her to a magical dinner of sushi with his credit card. I used to have such a nest egg built up before I met him. Now it is trickling away. Oh he will promise me he'll make it up to me and that he won't miss out on work anymore. Right. Maybe not this month but his FMLA starts fresh again tomorrow so he can take another 4 days off without pay in May. His vacation gets renewed on May 23 and you can be darn sure that day (which is the Thursday before Memorial Day weekend) will be taken off along with Friday and his vacation will be totally used up by August and he'll be back to days off without pay. Oh but he assures me it will all be good because he gets a $12/hr raise next month and we'll just be "rolling" in it. Wanna bet?

  • Dating a ADHD woman - how can I know her intentions? by: mejn 10 years 6 months ago

    Hi all,

    (sorry if it's inappropriate to post technically pre-marriage questions here, but I believe it's a question of some general interest and importance :-))

    I am seeing a wonderful, intelligent woman, 40 YO, myself being 46. I really, really love her, and I accept that our relationship can't and won't be without....complications. We know each other from way back; our romantic relationship is nearly 6 months old. She was diagnosed only a couple of years ago but there is no mistaking that she really is affected by core ADHD symptoms such as being impulsive, poor execution skills, hyperfocusing and poor memory. What affects me most, though, is her inattentiveness (sorry if this is not a proper word; English is not my first language.)

    I can understand from this website and several other internet sources that one of the recurring themes for non-ADHD partners is a feeling of loneliness, being ignored, and so on. I also understand the ADHD-background for this and that we, as non-ADHD'ers, should not (necessarily) think that the ADHD partners doesn't care. So no need to repeat that lesson. I accept the challenge, as I have already stated.

    That being said, I find it terribly difficult to deal with the spells of incommunicado, feelings of being abandoned or ignored, the unanswered text messages and so on. I have explained to her that I really need to be encouraged, every now and then, by her taking the initiative to communicate, which prompt a short change followed by same ol', same ol'.

    We are both divorcees with part time kids and we don't live together - she has a wonderful son 3 YO and I have a daughter 11 YO (and a grown up son) - I have a flexible but financially nice job while she is struggling with her career (such as it is.) This also means that we often have to spend a week without face-to-face contact, and when we find the time to bring the families together, she is often so tired and worn that I am basically a babysitter and cleaner. Again, this is not a complaint, I accept that I am by far the one with most resources. But the scarcity of our "quality time" (boy, I hate that phrase!) makes it the case that most of the time, I can only hope that she's in the mood to talk on the phone or chat on the internet. While she has the prerogative to call me at more or less any time of the day and night, I can only hope to catch her on a "good time" if I feel like talking.

    Anyway, that's ok. What really bugs me is that I am so unsure about her true feelings or intentions. For me - being a reasonably straight guy with a reasonably straight history of relationships to women - the periods where she simply ignores me - or cannot cope with communicating with me? - sets all my warning signals in fire even if I try mentally to take into account her ADHD. She tells me that she wants to give our relationship a chance to develop. I have told her that I love her, am in love with her, and I don't think she has reasons to question my sincerity here, in words or in action. She has had a pretty rough life, partly because of her ADHD, and also in the relationships department, so I don't want to pressure things or rush ahead. She even told me that she doesn't want to rush things herself because I am too precious for her to risk jeopardizing our relationship (this seems to have been the order of the day in her life before: fall madly in love, move in together, break up after half a year or so.) Naturally, I take this as a pretty good sign of her commitment.

    Still, I fell at a loss. I don't know if anyone here can help. Is this simply how things are when you are trying to establish a relationship to an ADHD partner?

    Any kind of comment, advice, question or whatever is truly welcomed.

    Cheers, mejn

     

  • New to this. by: defeated UK 10 years 6 months ago

    My husband is from the USA. I'm from the UK. This is a second marriage for both of us. Me because my first husband died. Him due to divorce. I realize now that I jumped into the marriage,my first husband was NORMAL and looking back I was lonely and so missing him I convinced myself that this new guy was equally the deal. The signs were there though. He'd forget to turn up to family events we'd been invited to,or turn up late. He always claimed to truly love me,want to do stuff to make up for all the hurt I'd gone through,he was big on words (still is ) but often failed to follow with the practical.

    I've always had the feeling that his thoughtlessness and self centered behavior is not deliberate,he genuinely hasn't a clue. If I'm upset or in need of support he will often ignore me and is disgruntled if I point out what I need from him...thinking he is the one being wronged. This is also a pattern with others he comes into contact with. He is a practicing Christian and this also baffles me that he can sit and listen to the Preacher and still not apply stuff to our relationship. I am normally a calm person but I'm ashamed to admit that in the beginning I would hit out at him, as his lack of reaction infuriated me...thankfully I now control myself better.

    Needless to say I now fully understand why his first wife divorced him on the grounds of unreasonable behavior. They have 3 children, he did very little to help in the home. I now do all the cleaning,cooking,gardening and work. To top it all he has a downer on my child and constantly brings up negative comments about them (no ones perfect but believe me this isn't a bad kid we are talking about).

    When I mention that perhaps we would be better parting he comes over all persecuted quoting his ex wife experiences,or ignores me (hoping it will all go away?). I also know that if I did manage to part from him he would be devastated! However there is only so much I can take. We have no shared children, this marriage( I thought) was about love,support and companionship in our middle and latter years....all I'm getting is increasing stress. It could be so different, he can take me on lovely days out but fails on the o so important small(but not so small) stuff that cements a relationship.

    Help anyone...there's no one for me to talk this over with.

  • Tired of dysfunction by: Beachlover68 10 years 6 months ago

    I sometimes think my severely ADD husband would rather be tortured to death than agree that I might be right about anything or show me any empathy about anything.  It doesn't whether I start a sentence with the word I, you, we, they or Santa Claus it is twisted in his head and heard as a personal attack on his manhood or me telling him what to do.  I am so sick of fighting and being the only one in this marriage willing to try to solve problems instead of ignoring them.  And we've had just enough counseling that he uses it against me in an argument.  "I'm just responding the way the counselor said to"..."I'm not talking because you said you want me to listen."  Everything is twisted and manipulated and he is never accountable for anything in this relationship.  Nothing I say is ever right nor is the way I handle anything.  A very frustrating way to live.  

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