Hi,

So, I know I've posted my share of negativity and complaining about how my husband's adhd symptoms have made me feel like I am crazy at times, but after reading so many negative comments by others I feel so sad for each partner of each marriage represented on here. And I would like to commit to posting more positive comments than negative from now on...I would just say positive, but I know there will be days I need to vent. And I would like to ask others to join me in this endeavor. Maybe encouraging one another more to change our perspectives will make all of our marriages better. I want to be more proactive in having a healthy marriage. Also, in reading about others' situations I realize how great my husband is in so many ways such as the fact that he works very hard and I have never been concerned about his inability to keep a job. He doesn't deserve me just dishing out crap about him when I'm pissed off. I know that I would be crushed if he did that about me. So here goes. I'm going to list a few things that are great about him to start with and a response that has helped our marriage situation.

1. He is very affectionate and gives affection upon immediate request if I'm ever feeling affection neglected. (this happens to be my love language :) )

2. He (even if it does not appear so) generally hears my complaints and makes an effort to do something about it. (of course this is not long term, but I appreciate at least the short term response)

3. He is absolutely, without a doubt the most generous person I have ever met and would give a complete stranger the last dollar on him. I'm sure you could see the potential negative in this, but it has never caused us any financial distress and he always reigns it in if I I think he may get carried away.

4. He is deeply committed to our marriage and I am confident in his love for me. 

5. He almost always does the dishes, which happens to be my least favorite chore.

I have learned over time (even though I still fail at this regularly), and with the help of Melissa's book and phone seminar, to recognize when his behavior is adhd rearing it's ugly head and that has helped me to have more grace in responding to him. If I can mentally/emotionally step back from the situation and remember that we are on the same team and how much I know that he genuinely loves me, I can respond to him in a different manner depending on the situation which definitely changes the outcome. I see the adhd for what it is and the man I love struggling behind it; it almost always creates compassion in me towards him, and in the end our emotional bond is what matters. Everything else will pass away. People are what matter. I know this is kind of vague, but next time I will post a more specific interaction and how our responses to one another were different.

Oh, one more thing I'll try to just add quickly here, and this hit me like a brick just recently, but the simplicity of it makes it almost embarrassing to admit I'm just now getting it.  So in recent arguments, when my husband was frustrated with me about something, I realized that he was approaching me in ways I have approached him, I mean exactly! And these ways I was approaching him were very immature, degrading, hurtful, even manipulative to try to get my way or point across. Wow, talk about how much that hurt to have it coming back at me. It absolutely crushed me to think that all these years he was enduring that pain from me. It's actually making me cry to think about it now.  And at that point, in God's amazing graciousness, it hit me that DUH, the golden rule, 'treat others how you want to be treated' and I had not been treating him how I would wanted to be treated when approached about a disappointment. So needless to say, that reigned me in and though it has been somewhat hard to change my behavior towards him, I try to keep this in the forefront of my mind especially when I get frustrated with him. I think "how would I want him to approach me about this topic?" And I tell you what, I have seen almost immediate results. Simple, but hard to do, AND I CHALLENGE YOU TO DO IT TOO!  <3  :-) 

Best wishes and abundant blessings to all my nons and adhders alike.  

I have been here on this forum a while.   A little over three years. 

What sparked my brain spinning this morning was a note my spouse put on the cupboard door for me.  "Can I have the bathroom at 10 am?"  Seems a fairly innocuous request, doesn't it.?  Here is why it is making me crazy-frustratingly scream.  The routine - for a long time - at our house on Sunday morning is this:  10 am the bathroom is Mom's.  We leave for church at 10:45.  Today, my spouse is outside working on some project.  So my brain is now spinning with all the probabilities- Do  I say "No, you know 10 am is my routine time for the bathroom on Sunday." Do I remind him, "10 am is my routine time for the bathroom on Sunday."  Why do I have to go crazy, walking on eggshells, knowing this will blow sky-high unless I just sigh, and go use the bathroom now and let him have it at 10 am.  Who in the sam hill else on God's green earth has to loose their sanity over such a thing?

It feels like,  in order to have peace and harmony, he dictates, and I must follow.  From everything to using the bathroom, to buying a house, to spending money.  

Yep.  This is where this 54 year old woman is on a Sunday morning - nutsville.

For over 15 years, I had greatly suspected my husband had ADHD.  15 years ago was about about the time we had discovered our son's diagnosis with ADHD.  Our son will be 25 in a few days, and his diagnosis was in 4th grade.

I got so inspired by what I found here, I asked my spouse to take the couples seminar.  He went to the Cleveland clinic for a full diagnostic screening.  The severity of his ADHD is 9+ on a 1-10 scale.    

I am no longer inspired.  I kept thinking I am missing something.  I kept thinking if I got supportive, and did my part, and learned to back away from Symptom-Response-Response  cycles, and a variety of other behavior changes, my marriage could improve.  

What I am starting to think deep in my soul is that it is fact ME who is in denial.  It is in fact ME who has to accept that this is it, take it or leave it.

While I get so very frustrated at not receiving what I need to make this marriage a relationship, I in all actuality cannot watch my spouse hurt so very much.  To me it seems he just wont listen.  To me it seems he is in total denial that he could ever make a mistake.  To me it seems he refuses to say, "I am so sorry."  But I think he really, honestly believes (with every inch of his being) that he is correct.  He is being condemned.  He is being treated poorly.  He is being punished. He is right.  He knows the best way.  

How many of you have tried various different kinds of therapies?  Have they worked?  Was there any changes?  What percentage of marriages that are this deep into the mucky-muck EVER get turned around so that BOTH side are at peace with each other?

I have experienced a phenomena for many years in counseling.  I call it "The poor spouse cycle."  I try to address an issue that is very important to me, or a hurt that has been experienced by me due to one of the negative ADHD behaviors affecting my spouse.  And it never gets really addressed to my satisfaction.  Yes, I believe there are 2 sides to every story.  But, when each behavior, is excused away and explained away, and turned around into "How can you be so unfair to me?  How can you judge me so harshly? Look what I did for you yesterday, or last week, or last year." , and then my spouse ends up in a crying sobbing heap . . . . that is just already beyond my comprehension.   

Yep, I really think I am losing my mind.  We seem to get no where, and I am already feeling massively guilty.  And then when he says something like, "I have NO ONE I can share all this with, because no one knows what YOU do to ME, and  I do not know how to let anyone in YOUR family know what I have to put up being married to you."  

It has been suggested to me that I want something from him he either cannot or will not give. 

And that puts me right back to where I came from in the first place.  

Hello,

I have been reading forums on this site for 4 years now. I have been dating a guy for 4 years that has ADD. We met while I was going through a divorce. He was fun, sweet, gave me all the attention I was not getting from my ex, etc. He was hyper-focused on me. Over time we moved in together and our relationship sounds identical to every post I have read all these years. I used to be madly in love with him. Madly attracted to him. Adored him like mad. You get the point. Believed because he had been treated since he was younger and was aware of his ADD (gave me Driven to Distraction to read to understand him 6 months into dating) that we would always conquer any ADD issues. He is on Adderall but takes all of it in a 2 week span staying up all night for days and then crashes and burns. Then for 2 weeks he becomes un-hinged. Turns out even though he is highly intelligent and knows a great deal about ADD, he does not want to address it. He just goes to his physician and gets his meds monthly. 6 months into dating he lost his job (we worked at the same company where we met). He has not worked since. I sound crazy staying with a guy who has not worked for 3 1/2 years I know. I still question myself on my own reasoning. I went to therapy for it. Even got him to go once with me and it went great but he was on his addrerall during the session so I was not surprised.

We have dealt with a great deal of stress. When we moved in together I ended up being the only one moving boxes and unpacking while he played video games ( I desperately wanted a nice home at the time) and I re-injured my back. I had a lower back fusion in my mid-twenties. We ended up on a roller coaster ride for a few years while I went through massive life threatening surgeries to pull out the hardware in my back that was penetrating my arteries and veins. I now have a spinal cord stimulator and am in my early 30's. It was rough on us. I felt like I couldn't go anywhere if I wanted to. At that point we both did not have jobs. His parents were supporting him and I had a government program helping me with my medical expenses until I was capable to work again. I am a strong willed woman and made it through. I am in a ton of pain still on pain meds but have been working for almost 2 years now. He is still not working. He says he is afraid of failure. I try very hard to listen to his needs and talk to him in the manner that he needs. Calm. Sometimes I raise my voice out of frustration and I feel bad but I can only take so much stress.

I have tried so hard for so long. Buying and reading every book there is on ADD, reading forums, sitting and calmly talking to him, going to therapy. Things change for a short while but then they go back to how they were. Avoidance of getting a job. Not helping around the house. The worst for me though is his attitude. He gets very annoyed with me just for asking a normal question or will say really mean things that are completely uncalled for and insensitive. I didn't grow up in a household with name-calling or yelling at a person to "shut up" or "be quiet". He can be downright disrespectful over nothing (he says later he gets very anxious and cannot handle talking, sounds, etc) and instead of being polite and just asking to have 20 mins to himself he just becomes mean. We have long talks where I explain to him I am always willing to work with his needs if he would express them in a respectful manner. He does it just fine on adderall but has no impulse control when off. 

It was very hard for me to leave my first marriage, but I really wanted a family and a person to love me unconditionally and treat me with respect. They way my father adored my mother. My mother has passed and she still is the apple in his eyes. I fear selfless, humble, romantic men like my father are a rare find and that I may never have that. I just want to feel appreciated, special, beautiful and adored like I was when we met. I have a tendency to hold onto "what we once were" in relationships always deluding myself that we can get back to that. The problem is I know my bf is a good man from a good family with good intentions, but he also is a man and needs to act like one and take charge. I am facing so many challenges in having a family with my back problems but more importantly my age is becoming the biggest hurdle. For me it is becoming sink or swim at this point. My grandmother gave my bf her ring 2 years ago when we had planned on getting engaged and since then I have tumultuous ups and downs and I don't know what to do. I am not financially in a place to just move out and live on my own. I still have hope he will want to get a job as he tells me constantly and is adamant he wants to marry me and have a family. I feel if that is the case he would have done so already or seen a therapist as he has promised time and time again and never does. 

Sorry if this is all over the place I wanted to say more but it is long enough as it is. I have a tattoo of an angel with a scroll that says "Love Defies Reason" which has always been my motto as a tribute to what my parents went through and yet I feel it has failed me. For me my "motto" now is the test of someone's true character in the face of stress and how they handle themselves. Anyone can be "in love" when days are joyful and free of stress, but how a person responds to that stress will determine the course of their relationship to follow. I wish I could not be such a romantic in the beginning and be guarded enough to look for signs. I am always in a state of self-evaluation and discovery and want my partner to be on that journey with me and it really saddens me when I feel so alone. I still love my bf dearly, but have lost so much respect for him. I cringe at saying that bc I know how deeply that would hurt him.

Any advice appreciated. Thanks for reading. 

I googled, "loving too much" and found this: 

Loving someone means you respect him enough to set boundaries, expect that he treat you with respect and gives to you in as many meaningful ways as you give to him. A woman may have to fight her own tendencies to submit and sacrifice in the name of love. If it's love that she is after, then she will have to love herself enough to ask for what she needs and stop giving endlessly thinking it wins her a place in his heart.

I can tell you for a fact that submitting and sacrificing does not make everyone love you....they may just disrespect you and find a more fun game elsewhere and wonder what you are hanging around for.