Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Should I make the decision? by: misssunshine 10 years 8 months ago

    My husband and I are currently separated, he's had an affair with another woman, and we have been unable to properly approach the ADD in our marriage. Currently he's living with his brother in another state while he sorts through his feeling for this other woman and whether or not he wants to try again at our relationship.

    I've asked him to stop all communication with the other woman while he is gone in order to make a decision on him and I not based on and what her expectations are for their relationship. She has already gone forward with a divorce with her husband and is now in full on I love him mode and expressing it online very liberally. 

    He is responding in his own way towards her by "liking" the love songs she has put up for him.

    I feel very torn. He has to make his own decision about what he is doing with her and I, but I feel completely disposable to him. Should I go ahead and make the decision of the course of our relationship or should I just continue to suffer through all of this?

  • Empathy by: jennalemon 10 years 8 months ago

    There seems to be a lack of real empathy from dh.  As though other people and animals are there for HIS enjoyment, comfort, biding.  There seems to be a lack of care of other's feelings and needs.  I think this is the hardest part of living with him.  It makes me, the partner/spouse, unseen and unheard. The crazy-making part is that he screams that I am not loving enough when it is HIM that does not seem to care AT ALL about how I feel or what I think.  It is actually opposite of that.....I cared WAY too much about him and gave up a big part of myself to try to have a relationship with him.  I think way to much about what is going on with HIM.

    He can ACT as though he cares. Quick with the "Honey" words, but he is actually not caring. His nature is that he enjoys hurting smaller and weaker beings, particularly if they annoy him or make demands on him. He talks the talk of love but he walks the walk of a bully.  He TALKS but doesn't DO what caring people do.  He ACTS the part of the humble gosh-darn good guy but he is very self-centered with his actions that no one sees but me... that no one hears but me.  He is not who he pretends to be.  I think he knows he does this.  He talks about the work he did and about the project he is going to do as if they are very big and important but it way out of reality in importance to the actual work.  Sometimes he thinks HE did something that I actually did and he will tell people in detail how HE did it.  This I can believe is his selective memory.  He just switches the facts in his memory so that things are more positive for him.  He changes reality to suit him. 

    Is this a part of ADD? Anyone have this feeling about their partners?

     

    Being a Nice Guy, doesn't mean you are a push over. It also doesn't mean you are easy to manipulate or take advantage of. No, being a Nice Guy simply means you care, have no time to get mad at the small stuff, and you think of the world in larger terms than self. And despite living in the shadow of the bad guys and paying for mistakes you didn't make, you hold on sometimes more than you should, but when you can no longer, you move on because it's the right thing to do. - Eugene Nathaniel Butler

  • FOOD AFFECTS EVERYTHING by: How Long will t... 10 years 8 months ago

    My husband started a diet last year (May 2013). I cannot tell you the difference it has made in his roller coaster personality (ADHD). He has been more consistent with moods, doesn't get angry over every little thing and stays focused on conversation, and doesn't say wacky things that make no sense. He has always had a big appetite and he is now watching his calorie intake and has lost 90 pounds. I can not express enough what a huge difference this has made in him not only physically but mentally. Praise God!

  • As the reality sinks in, I realize and feel the fool I have been by: I'm So Exhausted 10 years 8 months ago

    So for a full year, I thought we were both working towards acquiring what was necessary to get the counseling that we need.

    It has hit me full force that I was once again, the foolish wife of an ADHD spouse who dared to believe that it could be different.  And at the end of the year of work, I find out he chooses his anger and his stuff over me.

    That reality has hit me full force, and it so much more painful than I ever thought it would be. I really, truly thought we would make it.  I did. Honestly I did. 

    Separation.  Such a filthy word.

  • Spouse wants to totally remove the un-addressed ADHD factor from counseling by: I'm So Exhausted 10 years 8 months ago

    I asked my spouse if he wanted to discuss his visit with a pastor last night. Before he left last night, he had told me he would tell me when he came home if he was going to stay or go.   I was 'assuming' he had gone because he was miserable.  Maybe hit bottom.

    What he told me is the pastor said we needed to go to marriage counseling.  I replied that we have been going to counseling for the past umpteen years.  We also ended our last counseling sessions last January when we were both told we had things to accomplish before we could be helped.

    then he said 1.  we need to go to counseling with a man.  2.  we needed to take the ADHD factor completely out of the counseling. 3.  we needed to focus on how horrible it is that in our marriage we have had no intimacy for three years.  I said that will be something to discuss because I have missed out intimate life to, to which he said"You hold that key.  YOU hold that key."

    Oiy.

    Oiy. Oiy. Oiy.

     

     

     

  • Depression & Low-self esteem by: thisistheend 10 years 8 months ago

    Being alone even though you're together.  Having a partner but having to do the lion's share.

    Being on the receiving end of bursts of temper that you remember, but he doesn't.

    Being blamed in an instant for everything...everything. 

    Being the dumping ground for all of his negative experiences.  Not even being asked how your day was.  He feels better, you feel worse.

    Feeling guilty about intimacy issues, but it's because you feel like a parent to him.

    Feeling like you're going crazy or suffering from dementia because the way you remember things always seems to be wrong.

    In the end, being left for someone new and exciting because he says "you make me feel bad about myself," and "why did you push me away?" and "nothing I do ever makes you happy."

     

    Anyone else out there dealing with crushing low-self esteem and depression from living in an untreated ADHD relationship?  Any tips to feeling better and rediscovering yourself?

     

  • Why is it so hard to let go? by: frustratedwife 10 years 8 months ago

    I am seriously thinking of filing for divorce from my diagnosed ADHD husband.  I don't know that all of the problems we have can be attributed to his ADHD, and of course I realize i'm not perfect :), but I can't stand this life any longer.  He doesn't even see what he's doing.  He seriously has worked less than 40% of the time during our 7 years of marriage and many of those jobs were very poor paying ones.  Yet he says (and acts like he truly believes) that he has worked his butt off and contributed to the household.  He went through our entire savings trying to start various businesses, that all failed, and I ended up filing bankruptcy (which just about killed me because I swore I would never do that!) just to be able to keep my home and survive.  He didn't want to file and most everything was in my name (because he had bad credit so I was always the one taking responsibility) so I ended up filing by myself. Yet he looks at all of this as no big deal and keeps saying things will improve and all our dreams will come true very soon.  I'm not sure how that's going to happen when he works part time for a very low hourly wage!

    On top of the money problems that have plagued us since the beginning (I was by no means wealthy when we met but I was living comfortably) we fight about everything.  He has a temper and lays into me verbally any time I speak my mind and he doesn't agree with me.  I want to move forward in life yet we have been going backwards or sitting stagnant for the entire 7 years.  He talks a good game and I guess that's why I've stayed.  He makes promises and tells me about all the things he is going to do, but I've never seen him follow through.  He has health problems and uses that as an excuse but he is by no means disabled.  Our home is a disaster, yet it wasn't when we met.  I always kept up my home but when he moved in it started looking like a dump.  He doesn't throw anything away and even allowed his deadbeat adult sons to drop their junk off here.  Because I lost my home equity line of credit when I filed for bankruptcy I no longer have the money to make home repairs or even pay someone to come out and clean up.  Husbands excuse for not cleaning up is either that he will need the junk in the future or he isn't physically able to do the work.

    Through all of this I have turned into an angry, resentful, bitter person and I know I'm not easy to live with because of it.  But how do you let all of this just roll off of your back and pretend you life isn't in a shambles?  I absolutely hate the thought of going through another divorce (this will be my second) because I swore this one would be forever.  But I'm losing my sanity and I see my single friends meeting these great guys who have their lives together and treat my friends so well.  I never even got a real wedding ring!  All I got was a $20 steel band that I was told would be replaced with a decent one with at least a small diamond...I'm still waiting.  I feel like a complete fool by allowing him to suck me in like this.  I'm not a stupid woman but I sure feel like one now.  There have been so many times i have wondered if he was just scamming me, using me to take care of him.  But I truly believe he loves me and after reading so many of your posts here on this forum I see that much of this is the "norm" for someone with ADHD.

    So I ask why in the world is it so hard for me to move on?  I can't be worse off on my own than I am with him. So why is this so hard???

     

  • Hoping beyond hope has been fruitless by: I'm So Exhausted 10 years 8 months ago

    I just can't live in the same house and watch my spouse spiral into deeper and deeper anger.  His behavior - MY paradigm - has become more egotistical and self-centered. 

    I am very frustrated, disappointed and overwhelmed that the work to legally separate falls to me.  However, it is my decision.  Not choice.  I do not want a divorce.   

    I spent the past 12 months following the last instruction I had from a marriage counselor.  And, YES, it is true, I thought it would elicit change in my spouse.  And yes, it is true, today, at this minute, I do not like him very much.

     From her book:  "Even after all of the patterns I’ve laid out, some ADHD spouses still won’t believe that ADHD is a factor in their relationship. This can be a real source of friction. I’ve lived this dilemma, for my husband blamed me for years for our issues. When I suggested he get treatment for his ADHD, his angry response was “I don’t need treatment! I like myself FINE just the way I am. YOU’RE the one who doesn’t like me and has issues."

    Orlov, Melissa C. (2010-09-01). The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps (p. 73). Independent Publishers Group. Kindle Edition. 

  • Wife Frustrated and Hurt by: camomomandwife 10 years 8 months ago

    New to being here and I don't even know if I qualify. I love my husband. But I'm frustrated. When we met he said he liked that I worked and that I'm responsible.  He told me he just got hired at a good job. So he quit the current job and took a couple weeks off before starting his new job. I thought that's understandable. Little did I know, until now years later, that this is a pattern with him. Many jobs and years later here I am, frustrated and scared. He really did finally get a good job and at first he was over the moon and happy. Then the pattern started once again. Hated everyone he works with, the job sucks, I don't understand what it's like and etc...I pleaded with him not to quit. Well he got sick and had tests ran. He did have pneumonia and doctor wrote him outta work. He assured me he was going back.  Well that was 8 months ago he has now been terminated cause he said it's his bosses job to stay in contact with him. LTD and Unemployment have both denied him because there is nothing technically wrong and tests to prove it. We have a seasonal business that does ok, but it's up and coming. (Maybe) now to give a slight history on me, I got pregnant with our youngest at a little later in life and I developed some health issues which qualified me for SSD  he's made very snide comments about how he wants to stay home. And after he got sick I knew the pattern was coming again. He was almost giddy when he got terminated. He has no idea how worried and scared I am. We've sold things we worked hard to get. Our business he has in his mind is famous and people promise him things and he worries more about pleasing them with items we can't afford than taking care of his family. Cause in his mind our business is famous. Plus he thinks he does everything and I do nothing. I cook, clean, take care of bills, our children...he cant/won't even take out garbage. I wrap it up and he acts like he'll help but doesn't actually move. Or dishes, he'll say I'll do them and there they sit. Everything he wants or needs to do, always the same excuse "I'll do it tomorrow or don't worry I'll get to it".  The business I'm in fear will probably have to close. Cause we have to get stuff for it that we can't afford. He's made no move to look for a job and honestly he probably won't keep a job anyhow. He was finally put on adderral. It's helped him a little where he's not as moody, but he still has this grandiose idea that somehow we'll make it and everything's fine. There's so much more but I'd honestly be writing for days. I love him, but I'm scared. I have our youngest child, (our other children are grown) animals, mortgage, and other stuff to worry about. I'm so drained. Sometimes he's really happy, then he's moody and grumpy, sometimes he worries about us, then he turns into a braggart and grandiose!  He hasn't been diagnosed with ADHD, bi polar, or ADD. (Yet) his primary has told him he's depressed. I want and try to help him. However my priority is our child. Sorry for this being so long and if I shouldn't be on here I'm sorry. Many stories are mirroring my life in some ways!  Is he lazy or is there a problem?

  • rate of success for ADHD extramarital affairs...not good I hope! by: thisistheend 10 years 8 months ago

    Hi everyone.  I was recently dumped, for lack of a better word, by my ADHD partner of 9 years.  He denied there being another woman involved, but I am becoming more and more suspicious and paranoid that there is. 

    So I guess the spiteful, spurned side of me wants to hope that his future relationships will fail too...that he won't find the happiness that was denied to me.

    What is your experience with this?  Did your ADHD spouse have a successful relationship with his mistress or future partners?   

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