Sex is a subject that I have read in many posts, with people not getting into it right then because of needing to talk about other issues, but it DOES get mentioned. There has been a running theme that has me interested, because it's also MY relationship with my ADHD husband. The issue being this: Before the wedding, or at the beginning of the marriage, sex is good, maybe not great but still okay, but AFTER the wedding it changes and becomes almost non-existent and for some, TOTALLY non-existent as in my case.

My ADHD husband is on Concerta, KNOWS he has ADHD, but does not read about it or work on ADHD issues. When we were first married sex was several times a month to twice a month to twice a year to now NON-EXISTENT.  I tried VERY HARD to make our lives romantic, sexually exciting and worked tirelessly to make him feel GOOD about himself sexually, because I knew he never felt very competent in that area. NOTHING I DID WORKED. I never yelled at him or tried to make him feel "less of a man" etc., but I sure felt less of a woman. I kept myself up physically, always tried to look nice, stayed upbeat and positive regardless of his moods, and even still did the "flirting and sexual teasing that goes on when dating) NOTHING MADE ANY DIFFERENCE.

Sex was ALWAYS over in the blink of an eye, with me left "just hanging there". When I would ask him to "please help me finish", (without getting graphic), he would "sort of" try to help me reach orgasm while falling asleep, and repeating "Are you done yet?". THIS DID NOTHING FOR ME, except add MORE frustration. When I hit my sexual peak around 30, he almost seemed to AVOID me, but he seemed to frequently "JOKE" about sex to his buddies and other people like he was some sort of sexual STUD. (not the case) There's only so many times you can "please yourself" when you have a perfectly good partner that SHOULD be willing and WANT to be with you. I MEAN THEY DID TAKE THE VOWS, DIDN'T THEY? (but the vows have a much different meaning to those with adhd, it seems)

Maybe if the ADHD had been diagnosed years earlier, things would have been different, but he has no desire NOW, and he's on Concerta. (I don't know) I NEVER wanted to be the couple that just "lives" in the same house, but has no physical relationship, but HERE WE ARE.

AND.....TO TOP IT OFF...... I'm the one that has had a sex starved relationship and guess who has the affair?..........YEP........HE DOES. I just don't get it, and since he WILL NOT DISCUSS anything about it.....I am left totally in the dark here. Anyone else been through similar?

Dealing with a lot lately. My 5 year old was recently diagnosed with asthma. That's on top of her life threatening food allergies, seasonal allergies (10 months out of the year), indoor allergy to dust and in my belief, possible ADHD. There's never a quiet moment in my home. My husband has what I believe is un-diagnosed ADHD and he is driving me crazy. My daughter just started Kindergarten this past fall and it has been an uphill battle with the constant colds that last forever due to asthma complications. She has missed quite a few days because of sleepless nights and difficulty controlling her coughing and sneezing. My husband somehow, seems to miss out on all of this. He somehow manages to go to work, without missing any days. Never seems to have to give up sleep and of course, never has to be the one run around to appointment after appointment with her. I'm exhausted. I haven't had a good nights sleep in months and unfortunately that is affecting my mood and making me very angry, even resentful, at times. I don't have the energy to do anything that slightly resembles fun. Even if I do get out, my mind is consumed with thoughts of all that is waiting for me to take care of when I get back home. Again, hubby has no knowledge of anything. He constantly puts our daughter at risk because he does not ever consider her allergies and asthma. It's always about the fun, never about safety. He never supports my concerns for her, because he thinks that I am overly protective of her for no real reason. He always wants to go out to eat and doesn't understand how dangerous that can be.

He also has a problem with telling his family (his mom and siblings) no. Every time they want to do something, he's in, without ever consulting with me. He just assumes that because they want to get together, we should be there and thinks that I am a grouch when I say no. He doesn't get it...EVER. Every holiday they expect us to be there, with no regard to our plans and that fact that we have a young child. Needless to say, I don't look forward to holidays because it always ends with huge arguments. Not to mention the fact that they are serious drinkers and never dial down their drinking at gatherings that involve the children, which I have a problem with. My husband thinks that I am being a prude and gets angry. I keep telling him that is not the case. I don't agree with some gatherings, so my daughter and I don't go. HE just goes without us. Then I have to deal with his anger because his family gets upset that we weren't there and that they don't get to see our daughter. Mind you, no one ever calls us or even show concerns when we end up having to rush her to the hospital. At this very moment, she is getting over a cold and asthma attacks for the past week and he's not here. He got a call from a family member who needed help fixing something as we were getting up this morning and felt the need to run over there, with no regard for what needs to get done around here. He took his shower and was ready to go. Funny though, there's a laundry list of what he needs to do and has been promising to do, but every one else's issue is a priority. Where is this level of urgency when it comes to us?

He has a terrible habit of rushing out of the house, trying to get nowhere fast, and then starts with the cell phone calls. He does this a lot. Why do you leave out in a hurry and then start phoning home to ask what needs to be done. He's the last one to come in in the evening, but then he's the first person ready for bed in the evening. My daughter is still running around in her day clothes at 8:30 pm, but he's showered and ready to relax. Every night, even when she's sick, he is the first one to bed. On nights when she gets up constantly, he is totally unaware. By the way, he sleeps in another room two levels down, because he snores like a bear and refuses to get it checked out. Neither, my daughter nor I can get any sleep otherwise. No need to mention how there is NO intimacy, not that I even want any the way that I've been feeling lately.

It is all so overwhelming and depressing, at times. He is supposed to be my biggest supporter, yet I feel like he is the main one that goes out of his way to discredit me and all that I do to make sure that our family is okay. He knows that our daughter has her "issues". She's a happy child who knows her situation, but I try to teach her to be okay with all of it, she's just a little different when it comes to some things and has to be careful. All the while, I cry at times because I carry the burden of the task to make sure everything goes good for her and that she can live as "normal" a life as possible, and hubby just pretends nothing is wrong and hopes all is okay. I wouldn't mind so much if he just let me be when it comes to certain things, or just supported me, but why does he only involve himself enough to criticize me? 

Thanks for listening!!

hello all

i have been reading here for a while, learning a lot from all of you - but now i need some help and possibly a kick in the pants!

back story (short): ex-bf and i dated for 2.5 years.  he is undiagnosed ADHD but diagnosed with depression, took meds for that but wasn't getting better.  when i brought up the possibility of ADHD - after a long time of feeling like sh*t, going nowhere, our arguments seemed to spiral into a confusing mess.  the start of the relationship was typical hyperfocus (though i didn't know about ADHD at the time).  the end was very abrupt.  we hadn't been doing well, both of us were under a lot of stress about it ... and he suddenly said "i can't do this"  "i don't want this anymore" and literally walked out.

we talked a few days later but it was like a brick wall...he was so closed.  i felt like i didn't know him and i was (again) screaming to be heard.  so i left...i shut down, died, fell apart, started therapy for myself etc...  but really missed him.  3 months after the breakup, i initiated contact again and we met a few times, talked about the relationship, what happened - rather, i talked about my issues (perfectionist behavior, self-esteem, etc..).  when we broke up, he promised he'd get ADHD testing and promised to give me the results (his words).  he never did.

i told him i missed him.  he was surprised, said he'd have to think about it.

a month later, he told me he was dating someone.

and i lost it.  yelled and yelled at him...  we'd been having pretty intense talks of our relationship - how his behaviors affected me, down to our sex life.  and he waits until all that is over to tell me he's dating someone new??!

that woman was on the other side of the country. - 3000 miles away.  wtf??

since that night, i haven't talked with him at all.  i am so hurt and angry at the way he treated me during the relationship and after.  furious actually, and deeply hurt.  

yesterday i found out that he's moved to her city, moved in with her and is working there.  all within less than a year.

i know he's not good for me.  i know i felt like sh*t with him - undermined, dismissed, ignored.  and i know i abandoned myself.  i will NEVER do that again.  and yet, i feel so awful, another kick in the gut, learning that he's moved.

i am still in therapy and working on my issues.  as far as i know, he's not.

i just need someone to offer some insight, shed some light and explain this.  i know things in my head, i just need someone else to say it.

thank you.

I have an issue.  I've been invited to an impromptu dinner this evening with some friends from my church group.  I would like to go.  DH does not have plans, and I hate that I have to "ask permission" to do something like this.  Now thinking this through, I know that an ADHD mind may see this as a problem because it deviates from the normal schedule.  Also, I know that my husband will translate it into something like "she would rather be with these people than with me" or sometimes "is she up to no good?".  In reality, I haven't seen this group of friends since the last retreat we did together nearly a year ago and I'm eager to reconnect with other women of my faith.  I have never cheated or deviated from our marriage vows.  I love being with DH and our 3 children at home, but I also need some "away" time.

This is actually making me nervous because I know he will react with negativity!  What's worse, when I go the children will get an ear-full.  How do I approach it without a major argument and "tantrum"?  I just feel like this is so unhealthy and I'm so alone.