My husband, ADHD, no meds because he refuses to follow up on doctors appointments, has been unemployed most of the 22 years we have been together. Its always someone else's fault. At this point I have given up on him ever contributing, I make good money and he does a little housework. He is addicted to shopping and collecting and the entire bottom half of our house is filled with his stuff. There is no talking to him, I have tried that. I don't know what to do, I have resigned myself to the fact that he is my burden to carry.

He has the entire garage, two bedrooms, and two full-size storages. Mine and the kids' stuff is maybe a tenth of that. One of the things he has told me for the past couple of years while he's unemployed was that this was all going to be organized. Meanwhile, I work from home, using the kitchen table.
I know I'm allowing this but what do I do? Confront him? All that does is make him either scream at me or he gets all depressed and does less than he does now. So it's pointless either way.

I can't help him. I've tried, but nothing I do works. And he thinks he's doing just fine.
He believes his lack of success is because other people have dragged him down. Not due to anything he has done himself. He refuses to take responsibility.

The one time I was able to get him to talk to a therapist - several years ago - she asked him why he had so much stuff collected. He replied that it was worth a lot of money. She asked him why he wasn't using that to help his family (this was when we were really struggling),and his response was silence that went into a week long of him moping around the house until he finally got over it. So I'm not hopeful that he will talk to anyone with me, but i need to talk to someone, definitely.
He doesn't think there is anything wrong. He never has. He lives one day at a time, and as long as he can go shopping or play with his toys or rant at people on the Internet, it's a good day. Meanwhile I'm working hard, saving money, and doing boring stuff like finding a good medical insurance plan.
He does have a job interview tomorrow. If he gets this one, I think that will be it for me. Usually his pattern is to get fired or quit within 18 months to 2 years. If that happens again, I'm done.

He was supposedly diagnosed when he was a child, but there are no records. His explanation for this was that the government injected him with a lot of different stuff and is keeping the records sealed. I kid you not. He comes up with some pretty crazy shit.
He was discharged from the military with "personality disorder"; not a dishonorable, but definitely kicked out.
A lot of this stuff, when I write it down, sounds absolutely horrifying. As in, why am I putting up with this?
I have just been in this for so long that I can't see objectively.

We also have a small business that I run on the side; it's about to blow up due to some very hard work on my part, but I can't trust him to do even the simplest tasks for it. For example, we have four orders to pull and send out today; this will take him at the minimum four hours. It would take me about 45 minutes. He always has an excuse; usually he runs into someone he knows and ends up talking.
We have three kids. He's a good dad about half the time. He's a terrible dad the other half. He's said some stuff to our oldest that I can never forgive him for. I always am having to do damage control with his parenting. Our middle child is disabled and so that's extra - not bad extra, just extra.

He has no means by which to support himself, and spend his days in internet forums. He does not look for work, he comes up with ideas constantly to start his own business but never follows through. He does pick up the kids from school and other small jobs like that. I have supported, encouraged, and built him up with zero results. He needs someone else to step in but nobody knows what is going on. He is very charming and gregarious, not a care in the world. If I ask him when he's going to clean out the bottom half of the house so I can have an office, he gets depressed and angry. I have been working from the kitchen table for years, with constant promises of cleaning out his stuff. That's just one example. I don't know what to do at this point. I'm just worn out.

I asked him if I could talk to him about the progress on the bottom half of the house and his two full storages. He has told me multiple times over the years that he was working on these things to get them organized, in fact, he had just told me this week that he was going to get my office cleaned out so I don't have to work on the kitchen table (which is also full of his stuff). As I expected, he flipped out, started screaming at me that I was attacking him, and something new - started hitting himself in the face. He told me that he was going to get a U-Haul and just take every single thing to the dump, or, I could make him a schedule of what I expected and he would follow it. I told him that he was an adult and I was not going to do that. He continued to scream at me; there is no simply discussing anything with him, he takes it as an instant attack, and I really just wanted to talk about it. I ended up apologizing for bringing it up simply for the sake of peace, and told him I would not bring up the stuff or his progress ever again. He seemed mollified by that and the rest of the night was going around whistling little tunes and happy.
He also cancelled all his doctor's appointments, including the psychiatrist, because he has a high deductible plan (the only one I could get him because of his multiple health issues) and doesn't want to pay for it (I would pay for it!). Yet he's spent $1300 in the last three months on his collectibles - he doesn't realize that I see what he's spending.
I really don't think I have the energy to keep trying to help him. He has a job interview today, so we'll see what happens with that. I am tired.

I'm the Non-ADHD spouse. My Husband (33 years old) of 2 1/2 years was recently diagnosed with ADHD. We have been together for a total of 4 years, but it feels like a lot longer. My health hasn't been good. I have been experiencing migraines on a daily basis (due to being stressed), I have severe depression, I regularly think about suicide, and I have really bad anxiety attacks quite frequently. I really don't want to go on medication since I don't want to deal with any negative side-effects. My Husband started taking 2 daily doses of Adderall (10 mg each) about 3 weeks ago. While I have seen some improvement in him, it hasn't been enough to positively influence our relationship. We were seeing a counselor together (who specializes in ADHD and has ADHD herself), but that only made my anxiety and depression worse since I felt like she was blaming me for all of our problems. I am seriously thinking of leaving my Husband (at least temporarily) so I can take care of myself. I'm just afraid that I'll end up totally alone. My biggest problem is I don't have any close friends or any support at all. I have isolated myself from everyone so much and I never socialize anymore. I don't feel important or like I matter at all to anyone.

My Husband has been going to a monthly ADHD support group, but I can't seem to find any support groups for non-ADHD spouses. We live in the Pittsburgh, PA area. Does anyone know where I can find some support?

Thanks!

What have we learned after decades of being married to someone who is not coping and addressing or even accepting ADD / not trying at all to work and commit and be a partner?

Had I known how it would turn out.....Had I known what I know now....Had I known it would never change from the early struggling days......I would have:

• I would have left the first time I caught him with another woman.

• I would have locked the house doors the first time he stayed out til 4 in the morning drinking. Then taken the kids to Mom's house....letting the entire family (his included) know how things were really going at our house - getting it out in the open rather than "taking it and stuffing it and keeping it secret thinking that I could handle it all quietly" all these years.

• I would be able to recognize when he was "getting his way" at the expense of my self respect, at the expense of our relationship, at the expense of my sense of security, at the expense of our family unity. And I would have gone to counseling over this issue until I could feel I and my children were secure with him.  If it could not be remedied, I would have left.

• I would not believe suspicious lies trying to give him the benefit of the doubt so many times. I would address EVERY infraction until I was satisfied.  I would be MORE verbal and less accepting - because with untreated/unaccepted ADD, making yourself accept unacceptable behavior is sacrificing your SELF.  I would have been more verbal and less compromising, knowing what it takes to be happy and secure and responsible myself. Letting his name calling and manipulations fall on deaf ears but keeping my integrity.

• I would not bow to his manliness as in ("promise to obey" - yes this WAS in my wedding vows per our minister at the time. ... as in "support his ego by being soft and sweet, letting the little things go and not fight" rather than being strong and sane.) Because blindly trusting the memory and perspective and authority and your unplanned/unspoken future life with an untreated/unaccepted ADDer is insanity.  So, I would have taken on the job as dictator rather than humble servant and let the name-calling fall on deaf ears.

I could make this out to be a really long post, but to get to the crux of the matter I feel like my husband, deep down (or not so deep down), really does not want to work.  He has a very low-paying job at a hotel right now, which I think he has managed to stick with for the last 4 years because his boss is, in a very dysfunctional way, his "friend."  The job is also lower stress than a lot of other jobs, and hubby gets to bring his Nintendo DS to work to play with most days.  He still complains how much he hates the job, however, and the customers, and his boss, and so on.  He hates everything about it and often says something to the effect that he can't handle this anymore and doesn't want to be there.  I have made comment that he cannot leave without having another job lined up, and I have openly remarked that I feel like he is just trying to "run away" and that he does not really want to work at all.  He has not disputed this claim.  In fact, in the past he has openly admitted he has never wanted to work. 

Everything is always somebody else's fault, not his.  For example, a co-worker once called him to complain that he did not count down the drawer at the end of his shift.  Instead of having any shame about it, he got angry about "who is she to complain to [him]?  She's not my boss!" making this all about her "transgression," while completely ignoring his own.  I feel like his goal is to get fired while at the same time appearing to be a victim of circumstance, thereby receiving pity and care from those around him.

Hubby has had a very spotty work history before this job, with a long line of fairly short-lived, relatively easygoing, and invariably low-paying gigs, so this lousy job is still probably the best job he's ever had.  That being said, his poor attitude, the low income from the job, and his lousy work schedule (coupled with a prohibition on requesting time off) makes this a very flimsy and undesirable situation.  I think if he were to be fired from this job he would consider it a relief, or even a favor.  I don't feel like he wants to get another job, or put in the work of refining his resume, job searching, interviewing, all of that.  I think his dream is to be unemployed and at home with his video games.  He has an absurdly low stress tolerance, and an extreme fixation on living in a fantasy world where success is assured.  We have dreams (that we supposedly share) of travelling the world, and while I have put in the time and effort to get into a job with the hours and pay to allow for this dream to be realized, he mostly just impedes us.  I feel like video games are his opiate; we can talk about things he ought to do, things he should read, he makes promises, he receives advice from his counselor, but nothing ever gets done because he does not want to think about anything potentially uncomfortable.  Every moment is filled with video games, if he can help it.  He'll say he is going to do something and a second later he is back in front of the games!

Something hubby enjoys doing is making video game banners (gratis) for people on video game forums.  Someone recently approached him about designing a graphic for their video game website, and offered about $100-$150 for him to do it, and also said they would promote his work on the site.  Golden opportunity, right?  Nope - he hasn't worked on this commission at all, because suddenly the creative inspiration has left him.  He definitely doesn't like it when things get too "real."

He's been in counseling for years, but nothing seems to improve.  We are trying to take a very targeted approach to addressing his ADD problems now that our insurance situation has improved, but the sessions are too far apart, the psychiatrist is an idiot, and we just started with a psychologist who seems promising, but change comes too slow, and I don't know if this underlying lack of motivation is something that can even be changed.  Does anyone have any experience with this?  Is an underlying lack of motivation to work something that can be changed through counseling, or is this just how he will be the rest of his life?