Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • ADHD vs Alcoholism, and enabling by: thisistheend 10 years 8 months ago

    Being in a relationship with someone with untreated ADHD has been compared to being in a relationship with an alcoholic, where the non-addict spouse almost inevitably becomes somewhat codependent. The codependent non-addict spouse falls into a pattern of "enabling" the addict by rescuing them, by cleaning up after them, by picking up the slack etc.  Because of this enabling behavior the addict doesn't have to face the consequences of his own actions, and therefore is never motivated to change his behavior. 

    The obvious difference between an alcoholic or drug addict and a person with untreated ADHD is that one is an addiction to a substance, whereas ADHD is a a behavioral/mental issue. 

    I have recently become separated from my ADHD husband, his idea not mine.  I am learning more about codependency and I'm actually feeling quite guilty for enabling him, and also for the nagging and criticism. I'm feeling guilty for the possibility that I was preventing him from helping himself. 

     So my question is: do you think a person with ADHD can improve on their own when there is no one to clean up after them, or not?  (In other words, how much am I responsible for his continuing/worsening ADHD symptoms?)

    Interested in hearing your thoughts!

  • Empathy by: Me1 10 years 8 months ago

     

    Whither EMPATHY?

    Dear Melissa & Ned,i

    It seems to me that the crucial first step to be able to communicating in a 'validating' manner, is to put oneself in the other's shoes for the moment, even if it is a close relationship like with your spouse.  And, this needs to occur in both partners.

    Then, all the rest will follow naturally, like first, truly acknowledging the other's thoughts, opinions etc. stemming from the other person's values, which in itself is a huge deal! Should this other person happen to be a really close relation, why it gets even more subjective because unawares, we are half hearing their talk as pronouncements on our values.

    Thus, in human communications, there are deeper psychological issues that ADHD or ADD stem from, wouldn't you say?!

    Neither my husband nor I, have been diagnosed with this disorder but I tend to believe that ALL human beings are a bit 'Attention Deficient,' and quite a bit mentally distracted unfortunately more so when communicating verbally (with tell-tale) body-language) with a spouse!

    These sinful distractors would be, simultaneous and constant self-talk and self-interpretations occurring internally in both partners.

  • Buying a house with an ADHD partner? by: mrsg13 10 years 8 months ago

    Just before we found out that my Husband was diagnosed with ADHD we decided that it was a mutual goal of ours to buy a house by the end of this year. Now that we know he has ADHD, I'm contemplating whether or not buying a house is a good decision for us. I know it's a huge responsibility and a huge commitment. If I don't feel like I can rely on him or trust him to get things done at all (like now), I can see it being a big potential problem down the road. I also know that it would likely mean more responsibility for me and I already feel very overwhelmed. On the other hand, we hate having to deal with a landlord, our current place is too small, and our upstairs neighbor is so noisy and rude. He is a musician and he plays his music pretty late most of the time. I don't think that either of us currently makes enough money to be able to afford to buy a house on our own so I don't think I will be able to just buy a house on my own. I know that I won't be able to continue living in our current place that much longer though because it depresses me and stresses me out so much. I hate not feeling like I have enough privacy and quiet time to myself. We can maybe consider renting a house, but the rent would be a lot more expensive than if we bought a house and we wouldn't have the freedom to do whatever we want with it. It also seems like most places in our area are apartments with upstairs or downstairs neighbors so we'd likely just run into the same issue of having to deal with a lot of noise on a regular basis. Since I'm contemplating divorce right now due to our problems, I'm very concerned on what would happen with the house if we got a divorce eventually.

    Does anyone here with an ADHD spouse own a house? If so, what is it like? Do you regret the decision or is it going well?

  • Does Medication for ADHD really make that much of a difference? by: mrsg13 10 years 8 months ago

    My Husband was diagnosed just a few weeks ago with ADHD (the combined type) and he is 33 years old. It seems very severe. In fact, the doctor told us that it wasn't even questionable whether or not he has ADHD since he scored a 105 out of a possible 120 based on the questions he answered. We're looking into him getting on medication, but it seems to be taking awhile for us to get a doctor's appointment especially cuz we had to find one that was affordable enough for us. I am also really concerned about the costs of the medication. I understand that he will have to be on medication for the rest of his life really. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to accept that. I feel increasingly frustrated with him though and as it is I feel like I can't even talk to him anymore because I feel so disrespected. I feel like nothing I say even matters to him anymore. I think about leaving him on a daily basis, but yet it still makes me very sad/depressed to imagine a life without him in it. I don't know what I should do. How do you tell if you need to leave or when you've reached your breaking point really? We have been together almost 4 years and married for 2 1/2 years so far, yet it feels like we have been together so much longer. I feel like he's no longer the man that I married, but he insists he's the same person. I just don't see that because he's always negative, blaming me, ignoring me, getting distracted, not being productive around the house, or forgetting something that I have told him. I have told him several times what he needs to do and I send him articles and we bought books for him to read. However, I'm not noticing any improvement or that he's even trying to do better. Should I wait to see how he does on medication? Can it make that much of a difference right away as soon as he starts taking it? I am not a very patient person so I don't think I can wait around much longer since I am so depressed and angry/frustrated everyday. This is not healthy for me at all. It doesn't help that we don't have nearly enough time apart. I wonder if a trial separation will help us? I feel so lost and alone right now. I have no support from any friends or family and I don't really talk to anyone else because of that. We are seeing a therapist, but I don't think we will be able to afford to continue seeing one for much longer. Plus, It doesn't seem like our therapist really understands ADHD that much. She did at least advise us to look into getting him diagnosed because she picked up on the symptoms. We are currently reading The ADHD Effect on Marriage since our therapist recommended it to us, but it just frustrates me so much because It seems like it's saying that I have to do more work than my Husband. I don't want to do that and I don't have the energy to do that. I already feel overwhelmed. I didn't ask to marry someone with ADHD and I don't feel like I can ever accept his ADHD. I feel more so like I just need to leave him, but I still feel like I care for him a lot. I'm unsure whether or not I love him anymore because his severe ADHD has just made him so difficult to live with.

  • i feel that i love and miss the girl in my secret relationship more than my wife by: thingnanmosijuan 10 years 8 months ago

    ive been married for 20 years. we had a period of separation when she had to go work abroad. during that time i seem to have drifted away from her not just because of the distance but with little things as well. i got into a secret relationship and when my wife came back she seems to know that something is afoot. i lied when confronted about it and in turn put my secret relationship on the rocks to the point that i called it off. now i dont know what to do. i feel that i love and miss the girl in my secret relationship more than my wife. sometimes i cant even bear to be with my wife at all. help!!!

  • Does video game addiction go away with treatment? by: Light 10 years 8 months ago

    The subject line pretty much says it all.  I am wondering if treatment, particularly medication, can help cure a video game addiction in someone with ADD.  I feel like the only cure for anything like this is hitting rock bottom, so I am not optimistic, but I am wondering if anyone has noticed any changes one way or another regarding video game addiction after starting medication.

  • Separation and Possible Divorce by: misssunshine 10 years 8 months ago

    This is my first time posting to this website, I have never reached out to other people online for answers but feel sort of desperate. My husband has ADD and was diagnosed about a year and a half into being married, we have been married now for 2 years and 8 months. Just over a year into our marriage he told me that he had been thinking about divorce, that he wasn't sure that we were meant to be together and I was completely shocked. I loved my husband so much and divorce had never even crossed my mind. I knew that we had gotten ourselves into some what of a rut, him constantly on the computer and me retreating to the TV for comfort. After this discussion I stayed with friends for a week and we finally came back together we decided to make a change in our lives. We got rid of our second computer, donated our TV, purged our house of things we didn't feel we needed, and things started to look up. We were taking more walks, playing board games, find fun free things to do around town and enjoying our friends. 

    After that week long separation I read the ADHD Effect on Marriage because I wanted to understand him better and I wanted to understand why I was feeling the way I was, we also started to see a counselor. Things had been going well until about one year later, around the holidays we had gotten so busy going to holiday parties, he started a new job that we didn't really make enough time for one another. So after Christmas I started to pick that back up by asking him to play games and sit and talk and enjoy each others time but he was having a hard time wanting to do those things. I later found out that he was having an emotional affair with a woman at work who was also married. 

    I found this out two day after his birthday in January. Since then I've asked him to move out, we've split our bank accounts, he's lost his job due to the inappropriate relationship that he was having with his boss and he has been living out of his bus. Of course we had a meeting with our counselor and went over all of the reasons he feels the way he does. I found out that he was unfaithful towards me before we got engaged while abusing alcohol and with a friend of ours who he continued to allow in our lives and who also was engaged at the time of the unfaithfulness. I found out that he had started a relationship with the woman at work just after the holidays when I was trying so hard to connect with him and did not realize that he was secretly texting her and sending her pages and pages of what their lives would be together. 

    I finally asked him if he would go stay with his family for a while, have no contact with this woman from work (she also lost her job due to this relationship they created), and truly focus on what he wanted from our relationship. So about a week later he agreed and he packed up to leave for his families driving cross country. Well the day after he left the woman husband contacted me, we met up and he filled me in on the fact that she was taking that cross country trip with him for two weeks. After our long talk in which it sounded like my husband and his wife had not been honest about everything they were telling us, I called my husband and let him know that I knew what he was doing. He was upset with  me, he told me that nobody cared about how he felt about everything and everyone wanted to gossip about him. The next day him and the woman did some recon and decided to call her husband to see what he had to say, and long story short my husband called me to get every detail about what we had spoken about. In the end we decided that he was going to do what he wanted and make an adult decision.

    A couple of days later I surprisingly got a call from him. He told me that he was taking the woman to the nearest airport and she was flying home, he told me that he thought that was the right thing to do. He then called me the next day to let me know that he had deleted her information from his phone and that he does not plan on having any contact with her for the three months that he is with his family.

    I guess I am here for on what I should do. For some reason I can't seem to let him go, I know that I love this man and I know how I feel about him. Do you think this time apart from one another and this time of having him separated from her will make him realized that we have something? I know that he took the book with him, he had never read it, and I know that he is reading it. Do you think there is any hope for us, or any hope that he will want to work on our marriage and renew our relationship?

  • 12-Steps Programs? by: tfv0 10 years 8 months ago

    I'm curious to know if anyone else has participated in 12-steps programs related to or helpful to ADHD?

    I have some personal experience with AlAnon in the past, and I found the 12-steps resonated with me. As part of taking Melissa's course with my wife, the necessary self-examination triggered memories of working the 12-steps and the healing found there. When I pulled out some of the old workbooks, and read old notes, its staggering how the things affecting me then are still in orbit. I've started rereading the workbooks, looking for books more likely to be useful in dealing with ADHD, and considering finding or founding a local meeting to work the system. What I haven't found is any links from CHADD, or other ADD focused groups pointing to 12-steps. I'm curious to know if anyone else has connected these, and whether you've heard of groups that work the steps as focused on ADHD instead of alcohol or gambling? 

    On the core topic of hope, the epiphany about returning to "recovery" has been liberating for me to consider that an endless fight of (my) ego over neurology (both of our brains) is a self-defeating and destructive process. I have hope now that the serenity, strength and wisdom learned in the steps can end the negative cycles, heal what has gone wrong, and enable me to a better human-being/husband/father/coach/manager.

    tfv0

  • Winning Back Ex-Boyfriend with ADHD by: dognova 10 years 8 months ago

    I dated a guy with ADHD for 6 months (we are both in our mid-30s).  He told me that he had ADHD, that he was diagnosed as an adult, and that he only recently started taking medication, which he took only during the work week.  As you hear often on these Forums, when he was focused on me, everything was great.  Throughout the time we dated, he was great about calling me every day, and when we were together, we had a lot of fun and no strife.  However, the time we spent together in person was very inconsistent because of the million different activities he was always trying to cram into his limited free time (e.g., I might see him 3 times one week and none the next two weeks).  Over time, I began to feel unimportant to him because I could not get the time together in person that I wanted (i.e., I was asking to see him once a week).  I tried to raise the issue very casually the first few times (e.g., I miss you when I don't see you.  I wish we could spend more time together).  Eventually, I had a more formal talk with him about it expressing my concerns, how it made me feel, and looking for constructive ways to make things better (i.e., me riding around with him while he ran errands or meeting up long enough to watch an hour of tv).  I thought it would be a simple discussion and that we would be able to reach some compromise easily.  The talk completely caught him off guard (he had missed my more subtle hints) and freaked/stressed him out , and at the time, I did not understand why.  Over the next week, he started pulling away and not being responsive to me.  We met in person again, once he had time to sort through some of his thoughts together, to talk some more, but we made no progress.  The whole issue completely overwhelmed him.  Then, two days later (2 weeks from our formal conversation), he broke up with me via e-mail.  It has now been 3 months since the break up, and I only recently discovered this website.  Thanks to this site, I now have a much better understanding of how ADHD affected our relationship and his seeming overreaction to our talk, which is something I still do not believe he understands.  I love him and I want to get him back, but he has not contacted me at all, except to send a thank you text in response to the happy birthday text that I sent to him.  Is there anything I can do, or is all lost since he seems to have hit the eject button and not looked back?

  • epidemic ADHD vs. toxic nation by: dedelight4 10 years 8 months ago

        I want to start a thread on whether or not you folks see ADHD on the rise/ (not just more people being diagnosed), and/or...........are we as a nation being poisoned by many "outside" factors? (or both)

         I know for a FACT, that with the CHEMTRAILS in our nations skies, that we, as a nation are getting sicker and sicker by the day. The additives and genetically altered grains and foods are also adding to the deterioration of our physical health. I've done quite a bit of study on this, and the numbers are getting really frightening. Those who are say this is all nonsense better do some reading.

         The chemtrails are adding mercury, barium and aluminum in our skies, which are causing heavy metal toxicity in humans around the globe, but especially here in the U.S. What is this doing to pregnant women? Is this also adding to the rise of ADHD?

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