Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • new to forum need advice by: what 2 do now 10 years 8 months ago

    Hello! It's nice to find this site. I will apologize for the rambling from the start. I just want to give facts.  I was professionally diagnosed with ADD about 2.5 years ago. I felt for a LONG time there was something wrong with me that I could not control. I am now 54 years old and have been married and divorced 3 times. My first marriage was right out of college and lasted for 2 years, no children. I didn't get along with his girlfriend. My second marriage I was 31 when we met (he 33 in 1992) we married 4 years after our first date (1996 and was pregnant with our first child) and had lived together for 3.5 years. There were "red flags" that I saw but mostly blamed myself for "fueling the fire". He had a bad, quick temper, had been verbally abusive. He traveled 50% of the time and at that time we didn't have cell phones. I felt that he "wasn't so bad" and I was getting older and wanted to have children. Anyway, we were married for 11 years and it was hell. We had 2 sons that I stayed home and raised. I found out there was a lot going on during our marriage that I didn't know or denied. He was abusive, drank daily, habitual liar, daytrader, addicted to porn and was narcissistic. I filed for divorce and got full custody of our sons although he stil sees them when it is convenient for him. We divorced 7 years ago and still go to court because of his financial cheating and lying. I married again to a man with 2 sons stair steps in age with mine. His sons had no rules or consequences. His youngest was still wetting the bed at 15 years old, and the older one was doing poorly in school with no guidance from his bio parents.  After 4 years of marriage, he filed for divorce 3 days after we refinanced our house (he needed my signature) and he me and my sons ordered out of our home. I had been diagnosed with ADD 1.5 years before this and on medication, so I had my struggles. That has caused a big trust problem with my youngest (now almost 15 who sees a psychiatrist and is on meds. 

    I am a college graduate although I could not stay focused. I am a professional, a mother and a person who struggles with ADD even though I take medication. I am in a profession where the field is saturated so it is hard to find another job, especially at my age. I currently work 2.5 days a week and it is difficult to make ends meet. I struggle with clutter and being organized. I feel that I have not made a good home for my sons with my clutter and my struggles with finances, their father and my frustrations. I TRY not to let them see it but they are not stupid. 

    I currently see a psychiatrist for my meds and a psychologist for my struggles. I feel I have been in counseling most of my adult life! I am in a relationship but have NO plans to marry again but I don't want to live the rest of my life alone. I don't know if I am a bad partner picker or if I am a bad partner or if my ADD gets in the way.... I have friends that I have had since kindergarten and high school. My childhood, college, neighbors, co-workers and professional friends love me. I am very caring, warm, helpful, loving and friendly person. I just don't understand all of my struggles. I really try to get professional help and follow advice. I try to do my best and have everyone's best interest involved in mind. 

    I just don't know what do do anymore to make things better. I obviously am depressed and take meds for that. Any thoughts, advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!

    THANK YOU!

  • Venting and question about Dr Amen by: frustratedwife 10 years 8 months ago

    I'm sorry but I feel the need to vent today.  Even if nobody reads this it makes me feel better.  :)

    My ADHD husband (diagnosed but not treated) just got a new job last week.  This is about 30 something for him in our 7 year marriage and most don't last more than a few months, if that.  This ones seems promising but unfortunately he has been out of work so long that we are broke and only have one decent vehicle.  I have a business and have to have the decent car to get to work so he was driving his old van.  Well it broke down and needed $650 in repairs.  I have arranged for a ride to work for the past couple of days but when I asked him about getting his van back he told me he had no money to pay for it and wanted me to pay.  Well I happen to know he has stashed away $500 for emergencies so I told him to use that and i would pay the difference.  He refused.  Said it was for emergencies only.  What???  Really??? Isn't that what we are dealing with here?  If you don't have a vehicle you can't get to work! Public transportation is not available so he needs a vehicle.  But then he started talking about how he really didn't want to keep this job anyway... Ahhhh so that's what this is all about.  I was furious!  I need help financially and he refuses to maintain a job.  I'm at my wits end!

    I called his mother because I just wanted to let her know that I don't think I can deal with this anymore.  I told her I have tried and I know I'm not easy to live with because I've become angry and resentful but that I've stuck by him and I've just reached the end of my rope.  She said she saw a documentary done by Dr. Amen that was called Healing ADD at Home in 30 Days.  Has anyone heard of this man?  She was quite impressed by the research he has done.  His wife and kids have ADD and he has spent 30 years researching this disorder.  My mother-in-law asked me to look him up online and see if my husband would look into it. I emailed him the link but honestly I don't know if my heart is in it.  I have put up with so much from this man and I just want to get on with my life.  I know that sounds awful because i took vows and made promises but I really just want this roller coaster ride to stop so i can get off!

  • Selfish or ADHD by: MFrances 10 years 8 months ago

    How do you know if someone with ADHD really does care/love you?  This has been on my mind lately.  Is it the self-centered-ness of ADHD or does he just not care?  The question I have asked myself for years except before the ADHD diagnosis it was is there something wrong with his brain or does he just not care about us?  Knowing it is ADHD has helped somewhat, but the behaviors are still there.  I've seen this trait mentioned in other posts and I experience the same thing.  My dh says he loves and cares about us but does not show it in any way.  The other day our dd had an event at school, a big deal, and when she came home he didn't ask her about it (I had asked her in the car).  I thought I should whisper to him to ask her-he does have ADHD and probably forgot, it would be the nice, supportive wife thing to do, but then thought no-why can't he remember?!  I did.  Why can't he?  I really do understand that self-centered thinking is a part of ADHD but really-you can't remember your dd had an important event.  And yet I am still surprised that he forgot, when he has over the years, forgotten to ask about important doctor's appointments, school events, whatever.  But never does he forget his appointments or anything important he wants to do-that coincidentally only involves him.  This is one of the tough parts of having a spouse with ADHD.  But, what if he is just the type of person that cannot care about others.  His mother is a very selfish person.  Her mother (dh's grandmother) was the same way.  Is my dh like that too, or do they all have ADHD?

    Is it the difference between men and women?  Are women with ADHD like this too?  I've read posts from people with ADHD that have shared with honesty what it is like, constant thoughts in their brains.  But, I don't have ADHD and I have a hundred different things on my mind and I can still remember to ask my dd about her thing at school. 

    So how do you know when someone truly loves and cares about you?  When the actions don't match the words.  Is my life with an ADHD spouse going to be a constant of me reminding him about things that he should remember on his own, like he's a child.  but I'm not supposed to treat him like a child.  There are so many occasions looking back over our years together when I think he didn't really act/react the way a loving husband would. 

  • ADHD Girlfriend blocking me out PLEASE HELP ME! by: hsvc 10 years 8 months ago

    Hello everyone,

    I have just been broken up by an ADHD girlfriend. This girl has an amazing soul and I love her a lot but her disorder has definitely taken its toll on the relationship. I will try to be brief
     

    - for the first years of her life she was subject to very harsh treatment by her parents, unaware of ADHD, especially her father, since it was only diagnosed later

    - she grew up with severe learning disabilities which were softened with medication (Concerta) and a lot of support at school

    - I met her 5 years ago and she was a lively girl, the life of the party type of person. Not a care in the world, but very deeply rooted low self-esteem which I confirmed throughout my relationship with her throughout time, was caused by very low expectations people placed on her.

    For some reason, me, a really organized and focused guy fell for this girl. But, madly in love (ahaha)! From the moment that I decided to give a chance to being with her we had so much fun together, we traveled a lot, we lived abroad and we got so much from life. In the meantime, she somehow flourished academically and professionally, became completely self-confident and even became better looking!

    In 2012 we went to London to finish our degree and both of us were kind of disappointed since we do not identify ourselves with London AT ALL! We are beach, outdoorsy people and London simply doesn't cut it. At the same time, I became self-sufficient because of family reasons and had to work part-time through my honor's degree. The combination of the rut of life here in London and general not so exciting circumstances created a potion for failure. I became less available to pick-up after her and cope with all the little quirks typical of people with ADHD. She became less interested because, let's face it, a place you don't like and responsibilities being the core focus of your everyday life is not the typical background where an ADHD will be joyful and maybe no women will be joyful.

    2 weeks ago she broke up with me on my birthday when I came to her and asked why she was so aloof. It was horrible but I am focusing on how her disorder is causing this rather than being too dramatic. As I said, she was diagnosed as a kid, however she never takes any medication, except for when she has exams (?), she doesn't do therapy and she never talks about it. All her brothers and sisters have it and therefore everyone just assumes it is a matter of being "distracted" and silly and forget the effects on other aspects in life.

    I want to do something about this because she was not even able to articulate reasons to break up. You see, the relationship became less exciting, but while I was aware this was temporary and accepted that we had to live through our responsibilities while we lived in London, for her it was a sign that feelings might have changed. she also went back home for a couple of days before the break-up and she was told that she would have financial support to do a trip around the world after graduation, while my plans were to start full-on working and focusing on my career - I see this as her confirmation of the inutility of our relationship.

    My goal with this post is just getting feedback on how to communicate with someone that has blocked up completely - she answers questions without other questions, she says: what can I do? while she has not blocked me out of her life. She is not able to communicate, which is very scary, I feel like I am talking with someone with amnesia or something.

    Understand, our relationship was out of this world, all the boxes were ticked. We made great friends on the way and we have genuinely became richer in these years. I know she needs help and awareness for the effects of ADHD in the way she saw everything and I want to make sure I am not egoistical not trying to wake her up and bring her back to her best. Important to say, her family tends to be a bunch of enablers and throw money and excuses to problems HA! 

    Thank you for helping me understanding this and being a good person by providing whatever she needs to be aware of her condition, work on it and see where life takes her. I already saw a counselor and her childhood friends have also noticed a downward spiral towards being childish and irresponsible in recent months.

    one moment she says she can't see me because she still has feelings and that she misses talking to me and the next she's irritable saying just to be over with it. She is blocking me out and being very harsh in her attitude.

    How do you deal with people like this, who displays the symptoms, are not aware, you can't really mention it without being annoying and with a family that completely underestimates ADHD and her?

    remember?: "I will try to be brief" ... sorry lol

    Thank you!

     

  • Husband wants to enclose the back porch by: dedelight4 10 years 8 months ago

    I am in a running battle with my ADHD husband about the back porch. He wants to enclose it as an office. He knows NOTHING about building construction, but yet INSISTS he can do this. I have put my foot down and said ABSOLUTELY NOT because of the permits, the building codes and knowing FULL WELL what it's going to look like when he gets "done" with it.

         There are already at least 2 dozen projects around the house that have yet to be completed, and they have been staring us in the face for years now. I CAN'T HANDLE ANOTHER UNDONE PROJECT....ESPECIALLY A GREAT BIG ONE.

         1. The broken hot tub....that he broke while trying to get it winter ready, so that the cold weather wouldn't "break" the tubes, so HE broke it. He now won't go under it because of the dreaded "spiders".

         2. The house is about one third painted, inside and out, so the house is in different colors.

         3. The yard NEVER gets finished, so I am the one left doing it, while he is yelling at me to NOT do it. (I have a severe back problem) It ALWAYS looks a mess.

         5. He's broken both sets of sliding doors in the house, and the doors are in the garage, so the closets and the washer and dryer are open to the world.

         6. The garage is filled with his "tools" always dirty and a mess, unless my daughter and I clean them up.

         7. The gutters NEVER get cleaned, and I can't do it. Causes a problem with runoff around the house.

         8. Broke the kitchen sink while trying to install a water filter.

         9. Installed a new dishwasher (against my wishes) and now it "floats" around the kitchen instead of being locked in it's place under the counter, when I begged him to call a plumber.

    10. Built a "patio" outside with tiles, but are all crooked and now a mess. It cost about 3 times more than cement would have cost, and it has to totally be redone now.

         This is just ten items right off the bat, but there are many more. HOW CAN I CONVINCE HIM THAT A PROFESSIONAL HAS TO DO THIS ENCLOSURE? He won't listen to me when I tell him I can't take one more undone project.

  • Dr. Leon Eisenberg said "I made up ADHD". by: dedelight4 10 years 8 months ago

    Does anyone know about Dr. Leon Eisenberg (the father of ADHD) said on his deathbed that he "made up ADHD". He also said the condition was for the selling of pharmaceuticals and to make drug companies richer and not for the well being of children. Does anyone KNOW about this? Maybe you Melissa? What do you make of this?

    I KNOW FOR A FACT, that my husband DOES have ADHD, due to the change in him from the medications, AND from the hereditary conditions his family members had. But, WHY would this Dr. who supposedly STARTED the diagnosis of ADHD, then say it was a ficticious disease?

  • Career unemployment, and unwillingness to face reality by: redhead1017 10 years 8 months ago

    I love my husband, I really do. He is a great guy and for the most part I love our life together. 

    But I'm at a loss right now as to handle his career unemployment and the way he views himself with grace. 

    I work from  home and make a very good living. He handles the household stuff. It works pretty well. 

    Lately he's been talking about getting a job (he's been unemployed most of his life), and he was up for a minimum wage position that had a chance to work into something bigger. He turned it down because it conflicted with all the kid stuff. Okay, I get that. Totally understandable. 

    Then he started getting down on himself, but at the same time, giving himself a lot of false pride. For example, he wants to run for city council. He has zero political experience, has never volunteered on any city boards, and the extent of his experience is that he knows a lot of people and talks a lot. He's also got a psychiatrist appointment (FINALLY) in a couple weeks for diagnosing ADD and possibly a few other things; he looked at me and said "I can diagnose myself right now. And I know most people would thing I'm just being arrogant, but that doesn't matter. The reason my career is not where it should be is 100% other people. If they would just do what I tell them to do I would be the CEO of Microsoft." I'm not making this up, he really does say this and lots more in this vein all the time.

    He also started a home PC repair business several years ago; started by talking about it, then asking me to build a web presense, then promptly dumping it. He gets people calling for help probably once or twice a month (which I was unaware of), in fact, just had someone call in front of me. He TURNED THE BUSINESS DOWN, on the phone, and when I (in shock) asked  him why he did that, he said  that he was only interested in helping Fortune 500 companies. 

    I didn't even know this was happening, and I was so angry that he turned the people down that I had to walk away. Then he starts talking about how he "doesn't want to waste his time with home users". This from a man who has been unemployed most of his life, a business opportunity literally falls into his lap, and he's got the nerve to turn it down. 

    Is this more than ADD? Or is this full-on mental illness? Like I said, I love him and most of the time we do great together. But this constant refusal to face reality is honestly shocking to me. I want to know how I can handle it gracefully without, you know, boot-kicking him. :)

     

     

  • Garbage by: jennalemon 10 years 8 months ago

    Dh is EXTREMELY a perfectionist when it come to GARBAGE.  He pulls everything apart and categorizes the garbage.  He has pails and boxes lining all the walls in our garage with things he thinks he has to process by taking out every nut and bolt and saving them.   He told me I MUST wash out "with soap" all the empty jars and glasses and soak and peel the labels off of them before throwing them away.  He spends most of every Saturday "processing" the garbage. His side of the garage is like a hoarder's - filled to the brim and no room for his car.  He sits with screw drivers and pliers smoking, drinking beer and listening to the radio while "putzing" with rusty, broken stuff.  He has accumulated so much old broken stuff that, if he were to actually take it all apart, it would take him a year of full days to accomplish.  The pieces do not get recycled or thrown away, they are stuffed in the back and growing mold, rust and spider webs.  

    He built refuse bins in our yard but doesn't upkeep them.  They are dilapidated eyesores that are expanding into our once beautiful wooded path.  

    Anyone have an idea of what this obsession with dirt and garbage is?  I might guess that in his mind, he is a great guy working to save the planet, but it is unbalanced and creepy.  When someone finally does clean out the garage one day, all the pieces will get dumped together to get recycled or thrown out.  But he insists he MUST do it this way.  Instead of using his time to work at a job that would make money and support the family, he thinks he has a valuable stash in metal junk and that he is smart that he doesn't have to "work". 

     

  • When my back is turned by: Mind Shattered 10 years 8 months ago
    My hyper husband has done it again. When my back was turned he performed the task of hanging pictures on brand new walls. We had discussed it and agreed to center the pics on the walls. He went in and hung the pics where HE felt like it. (very off center). Now when He goes to work I can rehang them and fill in the holes & paint over them. If I say ANYTHING to him about this, He will go off into an angry outburst and it'll be "who cares, I didn't do anything wrong, you don't do anything around here, so I had to do it, f-off, etc" in his rage he'll start moving stuff from one place to another ( usually my stuff) and I spend days trying to find the simplest stuff I need. I feel like crying, I want to scream. And I can't say one darn thing without setting him off. And he's going to be pissed if I don't acknowelage his effort and say thanks & tell him it looks good. Even if I stand right next to him in a task like this he will wait till I turn away for a second get that nail in as fast as he can & it's never what we just agreed on. All I can do is go back and fix it when he's not here & he'll never notice. I'm so tired of this. Keeping my mouth shut to keep the peace. His ADHD is untreated by the way....... My guts are turning & I feel like my head is going to blow off. :(
  • Baby Steps..... by: Mind Shattered 10 years 8 months ago
    After coming to the point of almost being totally mentally shot. I finally found this site started reading everything on it. Ordered the book and am reading it. Thank God! Today when my ADHD (hugely hyper & unpredictable) husband were shopping and I was talking to him about what we should get, turned around to realize I was talking to myself because he was nowhere to be seen, I could say to myself "it's the ADHD". Instead of feeling disrespected and angry. I chose what I WANTED and continued shopping. My anger has been all consuming, and today I didn't have to get mad. It's so freeing, to say to myself, "this is my boundry, if you disappear constantly, I'm not looking all over the store for you, to ask for your input, I'm going to continue shopping and I'll choose things without you." and be able to say that to myself in a calm sane, not nasty way. It doesnt sound like much, but it was a first huge step for me. And I saw a tiny pinpoint of light, looking up out of that ugly black hole I've been living in.

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