Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Losing Hope with ADHD Wife by: angry_dh 10 years 7 months ago

    First off, I have to make a confession that I honestly had no idea the depth and effect that ADD/ADHD can have on a relationship when I began dating my wife.  Sure, I knew people who were "ADHD" growing up, and even a few as adults, but for the most part they seemed happy, adjusted, and vivacious individuals who were also succeeding at their jobs or careers.  

    I dated my wife for about three years before we decided to get married, and the entire time it was exactly like a lot of the material I've now read about relationships with an ADHD partner:  hyperfocus on the relationship, lots of passion, lots of togetherness, lots of love... as one would expect from someone fixated on an individual, and I had decided I'd found the woman to spend my life with and worked towards making it happen.  I got to know her family extremely well.  In the process I learned that her father very strongly has ADHD, and also has a brother who are also very strongly ADHD.  The brother, as I learned, has very obvious symptoms and an official diagnosis, and even though he has taken Ritalin and Adderall for the issue it was never very well managed and he's had life difficulties as a result in school and with his girlfriend.  So, there's definitely a strong family history for it.

    Throughout our dating history, my wife has always had little problems related to her condition.   She would forget to pay bills occasionally, and come home to her apartment to find that the water had been cut off, for example.  Cabinet doors were always left standing open.  Bottles for vitamins, liquids like rubbing alcohol, jars, and such would be left on the counters with their lids off.  It would always take her far longer to get ready to go places than would be expected due to fluttering about from thing to thing, and as a result it was always a push to be on-time for many things.  I've had to apologize countless times to friends and colleagues for lateness and leaving people waiting, or otherwise causing them delays as a result.  She has totaled two cars as a result of what I can only describe as probable distracted driving but not due to a cell phone.  

    All of this, in my mind, I had attributed to just absent-mindedness because hey, we all make mistakes and forget about things.   We all run late from time to time, and accidents happen.  We all get distracted.

    We got married several years ago, and things were basically great... at first.  Starting out, from me there were lots of "honey, please turn the light off when you leave a room" and "honey, please put the bottle caps back on things and put them away when you're done" and "honey, you forgot to turn the burner on the stove off" or turn the oven off.  There were lots of "honey, where did you put the mail" type question and answer sessions.  We'd have discussions at depth about things, and when I would think we had come to an agreement on something we would have to have the discussion all over again days later.   We would make joint decisions about things and one day I would be told we never did.  There were burned meals due to forgetting to check on them or set a timer.  I've woken up to the smell of burning carpet where she left a steam iron on all night, ironing board was knocked over by the dog, and had burned a place into the carpet.  We've had money for important bills get diverted to other uses because of lack of communication and assumption on her part and have had financial difficulties as a result.

    This has turned me into a walking ball of frayed nerves, paranoia, depression, and worst of all:  anger.   I have never felt so angry in my life.  I can barely stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore.  My health is starting to decline because of all the negativity I feel in myself.  I'm medicated for the depression, and I am planning on seeking help for dealing with the anger.  I just can't believe that I have developed such a dismal outlook on my marriage with my wife, who is a kind, sweet, gentle person by nature.

    This is a person I love, who I married with the expectation of having a partner that I can rely on in life and to hopefully one day be the mother of my children.  I'm so scared of her and this situation now that I'm afraid of even having kids with her at this point.  My fears and experience tell me it would only be a matter of time before her condition would affect our children.  What's worst for me is still truly the anger I feel.  I'm frightened of myself and the gradual upwelling of resentment that has been festering towards my wife.  I've found myself losing control of my anger, verbally assaulting her for situations that have arisen because her ADHD, and I hate myself for it.   I hate that I am hurting someone I love and care for so deeply, and feel powerless to stop it or change the circumstances.   I hate feeling like I'm turning into some sort of monster because I'm constantly on guard for the next minor disaster to occur.  I hate feeling like I always have to carry the weight of the household on top of managing a full time career.  She has attempted a career but that also did not work out, and as a result has turned to part-time work just so we can keep our bills paid and food on the table.   I'm fearing the day I have to get a part-time evening job to pick up the slack when her current situation also falls flat.

    Over the weekend, things came to a head again, and I lost my temper with her.  She's now staying with her parents as a result, and I'm not sure for how long.  I hate this and I hate having to face this situation; a situation that now, on top of all the other emotions, has left me both sad and alone.  I can only imagine how my wife feels, being a slave to her condition and having what appears to be an uncaring spouse.  The parent/child dynamic has already set in, and I'm not even sure how I can start trusting her at this point given how frequently I've been let down in the past.  She's been seeking counseling but it has so far been unfruitful outwardly, and she's also not been prescribed anything to help her manage the biological components of this.  She has had them in the past, but discontinued taking them due to complaints about how they made her feel and, especially with the Adderall, impacting her ability to sleep at night.

    I'm losing all hope for a joyful outcome to all of this.  I see many people on here who want to leave their spouses, and many who apparently have.  I don't.  I love this woman!  I want a beautiful, happy marriage with her that she seemed ready and fully capable of before things just seemed to start getting worse.  I don't know what to do.  But on the other hand, I want my health.  I want to be happy.  I want the constant, throbbing headaches from stress and tension I have to end.  I want to feel like I have the energy to take on life again.  I want to feel vitalized by my wife, and not feel like a single dad.  I have no support, nobody who understands in my life, nobody to share my feelings with who can relate or understand the issue.  Friends and family all see what goes on and have a general "she needs to get her **** together" reaction which, as anyone with an ADHD spouse knows, just isn't going to magically happen.

    I just don't know how to get there.  I've been reading books, I've been reading information on the internet, and have a few more books on the way.  Counseling, I hope, will start leading us there but there's no "cure" for ADHD and I feel like, while I'm married to her, this is always going to be a problem.  How does one face the prospect of living the rest of their married life shouldering the responsibility of protecting and caring for our children?  How does one accept that, for the most part, you're the one who will either have to suck it up and endure the burden of the situation or leave?   How does one face the idea of a lifetime of managing the balance between loving your spouse with resenting the fact you ever married them?

  • Assuming, putting words in people's mouths, forgetting, not keeping agreements by: hangingbythread 10 years 7 months ago

     

     I am SO TIRED OF: My ADHD spouse puts words in my mouth due to his faulty assumptions (of which he is KING), and his poor memory. Constantly saying I said stuff I never said, or saying I said something different than I said because he assumed an extra/wrong meaning from my actual words. I remember actual words and it is this insane-making, tower of Babel experience to live with someone constantly creating insanity by attacking me and telling me I said things I NEVER SAID!! Anyone else struggle with this with their ADHD spouse? It gets on my nerves when its something that really screws the day/life up for everyone and he says I said to put it here, or go there, or whatever when I KNOW, with my VERY CLEAR INTACT memory and a FULLY HEALTHY FUNCTIONING BRAIN and one that remembers details and can remember actual WORDS SAID, not just assumed concepts like he seems to do, what I DID or DID NOT say. This one I'm not sure I can continue to live with. The constant barrage on what I communicated to an insane making person constantly twisting, assuming, and misunderstanding, then remembering poorly, then blaming ME and putting words in to my mouth. Melissa, and anyone else, how do you deal with THAT?!

    This ties in with the issue that he is so NOT a man of his word. We can discuss and agree till we're blue in the face (I "over-discuss" with him because I have learned how forgetful he is.) We can agree very firmly, with me making sure to have an extremely thorough conversation with him only to have him COMPLETELY disregard the agreement. This has brought extreme damage and a sense that I cannot trust him, rely on him, or even count on him to remember the conversation we had the day before at all!!

    We're raising kids here, too. How can I deal with this.

  • Little ADHD ticks part 2:: Can't SHUT UP and talks before he thinks!!! by: hangingbythread 10 years 7 months ago

    2. NOT BEING ABLE TO SHUT UP IN PUBLIC

    I need advice from y'all (chime in MELISSA :) ) on how I can deal with my anger and rage at how my husband makes an idiot of himself wherever he goes. I love him, and I could accept him for how he is because I have studied ADHD and I understand his disorder and how his brain works and la de da. But to EVERYONE ELSE he makes himself look like, yes, the hurtful word we are all so tempted to say to them on a regular basis, an IDIOT. He starts talking about himself at church, about his business (which is ours, and is something that I take very seriously and professionally) and starts talking about how much money we're making, how the technology works, how exciting it all is, on and on, when NO ONE asked, except maybe the polite "How's it going?" And then, when they are polite and respond, "Really?" to his first sentence, he goes on and on and doesn't realize maybe they're just being polite and have more social sense than I do and have learned its more polite to ask questions about others than to rattle on and on. Granted, there could be self-esteem issues playing a role in there too, but it's like he has NO DISCERNMENT. NO OFF SWITCH. He'll talk all the time about stuff in front of the kids about stuff I would definately prefer they didn't hear. It's like he has no awareness of what's around him, he's just so wrapped up in his mental train of thought that is running away with itself and out his mouth. Once again, I could deal with it, but it is damaging my children, our reputation, everything. It's humiliating because I did NOT see this when we were dating! I like to think of myself as having a good level of common sense and discernment as well as professionalism. I see the people's eyes just kindove politely glazing over as they get more and more socially turned off and I don't know how to apologize without "disrespecting" my husband (something he seems hell-bent on demanding, like a king without a castle) instead of earning it. I can't explain Sorry, he's got ADHD, cuz' that is a swear word that I get in trouble for saying even in front of the kids. So I can't try to explain him to them to make him look better because he would think I was putting him down by calling him ADD. It's gotten to the point where I literally don't want him picking the kids up or dropping them off, I don't want to go to church with him, or even be associated with him because he makes himself and our whole family look like a bunch of idiots, and it's not the shoulders I want my kids to have to "stand" on. I want to scream, "He's got issues! I didin't see them when I married him! We had a really short courtship, honest! I don't have the same issues though! You can sit across from me! Here, I'll move and my husband can blab to someone else over there but you and I can converse WAAY over here in a sane way". Then there's the GUILT (all non ADHD spouses get way too much of this feeling) for even FEELING ashamed of my own spouse, but what do you expect? I'm open to hearing how I can change ME on this one too!! I've tried to talk to him about HIM. But when the impulsivity seems to be uncontrollable part of him, what can he do? How can I maintain a reputation, build a business, or raise kids that have half a chance at being viewed as winners with a Dad who behaves like this and physiologically, biologically can't seem to STOP. How can I honestly love and do right by a man I have to FAKE respect for. Poor guy. Poor me. HELP!  PS This also has hurt me a lot as when he gets frusterated (usually cuz' he's being called on his **** by me, he vents to others without thinking making unfair and emotional comments about me like I'm high maintenance (when I wasn't being at all but he couldn't handle reality), and that I steamroll him (which is untrue. He can't formulate opinions or process mentally well enough to lead the family and make decisions so I have to, which I hate, then he blames me for steamrolling and controlling, which is not even my nature)...so his lack of discernment with what he says, when, how and to whom, has basically ruined our relationship, and this is just one of what, 30 different issues with him? I also struggle with wondering what a fool he's making out of himself "this time" whenever HE is the one that is taking the kids to the store, the park, anywhere...because his parenting REALLY REALLY STINKS (I can elaborate on this in a separate post as this is a whole other issue in itself) and I am starting to fear that people will see the kids with me, recognizing them as the same ones, and judge ME, assuming that if my husband has dysfunctional, white trash, immature parenting, that I, to be his wife, must be similarly white trash, pajamas to walmart, yelling at snotty nosed sick kids stock. lol. couldn't resist, sorry. It's getting to the point that I almost want to move states away and just start separate lives until he gets help for some of these issues. Anyone else?

  • Some of the "little" ADHD ticks that can become some of the "biggest" and most aggravating...anyone else experience these? Pt.1 by: hangingbythread 10 years 7 months ago

    There are many aspects of ADHD that I think can be managed, tolerated and worked-around. I have yet to have the privelage of going through Melissa's counseling sessions (financially strapped). Until then, here are a few out of the MANY issues I deal with with my ADHD spouse that I am looking for a workaround for. Anyone, including Melissa, found a solution to any of these?

    1. Putting words in my mouth. It's been like a re-enactment of the tower of Babel. He listens poorly, and instead of listening to my actual words and processing them for what they are, he ASSUMES extra or wrong meanings ALL THE TIME. Add to this he is forgetful and often forgets ENTIRE thorough conversations and agreements, it seems. So, I have experienced that he is not a man of his word. This has led me to not being able to trust him, rely on him, depend on him, or count on him to keep his commitments, promises or agreements. Even ones I've harped on and discussed with him MULTIPLE MULTIPLE times because he IS ADHD. Later, when the **** hits the fan, he claims I said this or that, for him to go here, do that, put it there, take the kids here, etc. He is forgetful in general so I can't rely on him to ever follow through. But this is a more specific concern of the fact that I have this insane-making spouse constantly arguing with me and claiming I said this or that about logistics, my opinion on something, what I wanted to do, where I wanted him to go, or something like that. Often his assumptions create major havoc and anger and rage too at this point because I'm looking at him like, Are you serious? This again? I so DID NOT say that!!! And then he argues (as if he knows better than I do what I meant, said, or feel). I have a good clear head on my shoulders and a clear, fully functional brain and I am tired of my sanity being hijacked by what has become this insane-making parasite constantly ruining my day and then saying I told him to with various bits of conversation he processed and then made an ASSUMPTION which he is KING of. I've begun to think it is like a mental shortcut that other ADHD people must do too to not have to actually think logically through step a b and c because that is too mentally taxing for them. It's hard for anyone to see how this could become almost UNBEARABLE unless you've actually experienced it over time. Anyone else feel me on this one? You end up arguing all day every day about what you said with someone who is like an annoying cling-on claiming you said things you never did and putting words and intents and opinions in your mouth as if they know better. IT"S BECOMING UNBEARABLE! I FEEL HE IS JUST ALWAYS AROUND IN MY LIFE, THERE IS NO WAY TO GET RID OF HIM DOING THIS, AND HE IS SLOWLY ROBBING ME OF MY SANITY!   I'll post the rest in part 2 3 4 or whatever as separate posts for those of you that want to hear the rest of the list.

  • Debating on whether or not I should leave my Husband by: mrsg13 10 years 7 months ago

    My Husband was just diagnosed about 2 months ago with ADHD (the combined type). We have been married 2 1/2 years and together for almost 4 years. I just don't feel like we have a relationship anymore and I'm not sure we ever really did since we rushed too much in moving in together and we got married after only knowing each other 1 year and a half. I feel too much like we're just room-mates who rarely talk to each other. I'm really tired of feeling like I'm the only one who ever makes the decisions and initiates sex or conversations. We usually just watch tv and spend time on our phones when we're in the same room. My biggest issue is that I don't feel like I'll ever be able to trust my Husband or completely feel safe with him. My Husband has cost us money in the past with his financial mistakes. He has racked up like 5 parking tickets in the past two years and he didn't research the health insurance at his work enough before signing us up for it (it ended up being way too expensive) so we had to waste a lot of money on that. He also initially told me there were no problems with our latest car inspection and then he told me just recently that one of our tail-light coverings needs to be replaced for us to pass our next inspection (it will cost $50-100). I still resent him for backing into a truck when he was pulling out of a parking lot shortly after we got our car 2 years ago cuz he wasn't paying enough attention. He has a tendency to drive pretty fast while he's driving too and I don't feel comfortable riding in the car with him.

    We are both seeing a therapist (who seems to be placing most of the blame on me for our problems and it only makes me feel worse/more depressed). He has been on 2 daily doses of 10 mg Adderall for about 2 weeks now. I really expected to see more of an improvement and while there has been a little change in him while he's on the medication, I don't find that it's enough for me to tolerate in the long run. He works late though so on the weeknights I see him while the medication is working for 2 hours tops. I need him to be able to keep his symptoms under control at all times or I won't be able to be around him much longer. Lately my health has been more problematic than usual. I don't seem to have as much of an appetite anymore and I have been getting migraines on a daily basis (while I used to get them rarely). I don't want to have to sacrifice my health for this marriage to work out. My Husband definitely wants us to work out and he is willing to try anything which is why I haven't left him yet. I don't feel like I love him anymore though and I don't feel attracted to him. He is no longer the same person I married. I don't know if I can ever be content with the fact that he has ADHD. I have never dated anyone with ADHD before him and I'm not a patient person by any means.

    Should I give the medication more time to work and my Husband more of a chance to try or should I just leave? I am not sure how long it really takes for the right medication to really improve a person with ADHD. Also, If I do decide to leave him I'm really concerned that he will just giving up trying to improve at all and fail to pay any bills that he is responsible for, negatively affecting my credit.

  • Life long ADHD by: tlks 10 years 7 months ago

    I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was very young.  I went to private catholic school my grade school years and took ritalin every morning and at noon.  As well as counseling.  This continued into my teen years through middle school and high school.  I am also a only child.  Here is what annoys/angers me.  I feel as though I am very different from the rest of the world.  The thoughts always racing through my head, sometimes very irrational according to my wife of 10 years.  She says I make myself believe stuff and make up things to fill in the gaps, when I don't have all the information.  I have not been on medicine for years and years.  I have held a few jobs, but the job I have now I have held for 10 years.  I have been up front about my ADHD with my work.  The hyper focusing in most cases is great for what I do, but 10 years of marriage and 4 kids later, I am getting burnt out.  My wife and I have had our ups and downs, but a couple of years ago, things turned for the worse and I haven't been the same since.  I have lost all passion for what I do and have been somewhat disconnected with everything around me.  I am a lot better now, but still the racing thoughts continue.  Thus the hyper focusing about my condition led me to this website.  I think the main difference from me and others that have ADHD is that I am aware of my actions, and know I shouldn't, but I do any ways.  I definitely can say hurtful things without considering the consequence.  For the sake of my wife, she has had to put up with a lot over the years, it sucks.  I can and have put a great deal of stress on her shoulders and our marriage and at times in our marriage I know she has thought that I don't love her, but I do.  She is my everything, my rock, my foundation.  Without her in my life, I don't think I could have made it this far and be somewhat successful.  I do have to thank my parents though, because without them, none of this would have ever been possible.  The difference was how I was raised with my ADHD and how my parents went out of their way to find something in life that I was passionate about, and I have been doing that same thing for almost 20 years now.  I am very fortunate to work for a company that understands my condition and has dealt with me over the years, because trust me, I have burnt some bridges I am not proud of and have said things that I regret and that takes time for people to come around.  Any ways, enough about work.  I came here to tell my story of living with ADHD.  To my astonishment I have gotten better over the past couple years since the incident.  I blame myself for what happened as I probably pushed my wife away.  But since that time, we both have grown much more closer than ever.  I have had to try to do a balancing act between work and family which is so hard for me.  Because when I focus on one, the other starts to fail, if you can understand where I am coming from.  These 10 years have been tough but we made it this far, why stop now!  I love my family and would not change any of that for the world.  I only wish I could be normal like everyone else.

  • How long do I have to stay in a bad marraige for? by: Harried 10 years 8 months ago

    My husband has ADHD, dyslexia, depression, has been laid off twice in recent years, and is a pretty nasty (verbally abusive), and angry with me all the time. We have been to see professionals (the top of the food chain), marriage counseling, and now our first grader is in therapy once a week, as am I - the solo breadwinner in our house. We have been married for 8.5 years now, two kids, boy 7, girl 5. Oh, he probably drinks too much as well.

    I think my husband is playing up the adhd aspect and feels he does not need to work. I know he does not want to. He makes NO effort to find a job. This is a man with an undergraduate degree and an MBA from the #1 entrepreneurial business school in the US.

    Seriously, every friend and family has told me to leave him as his negativity is taking it's toll on me and certainly, negatively impacting out children. I wanted to help him, I tried, but while I have taken this horse to water, I cannot make him drink....

    What to do?

  • Maybe, after 30 years and six kids, he really doesn't love me? by: Resigned2B 10 years 8 months ago

    More and more lies and broken promises keep cropping up.  It is clear he has ADD and has always had it. The more cover-ups and deceit and missed times lines the more I think maybe he really doesn't care about me.  

    Maybe he deserves someone more capable of really likes the constant "live by the seat of your pants" existence.  Someone less traditional and more flexible. Someone that can laugh at the years she's waited to have things fixed and she roll with the punches (instead of feeling punched).  There must be someone out there that can make him happy.

    I'm tired of writing notes about what needs to be done and putting 'happy stickers' on things that he's remembered.  I have been there and done that for six kids, two with ADHD.  I'm really done.  Last week when he told me the money he had promised for YEARS we would retire on was completely gone and we have no retirement at age 60...I just can't find it in me to say, "Well honey, no problem, there's a nice homeless shelter we can find downtown. After all, you know how much I need security, let's give homeless a shot!"

    i know I can't garner any respect; I think he can do better than me...

  • I think I have ADHD and have killed my marriage by: debs151 10 years 8 months ago

    This weekend I went to a work function with my husband and blurted out a comment that was inappropriate in front of one of his coworkers. It was the final straw that broke his back and I am terrified he is really done with me now. 

    In desperation I googled "how to stop speaking without thinking" and saw all sorts of references to ADHD. What's ironic is that a few weeks ago, as a "joke" my husband said "hey I think you have ADHD" after seeing a commercial where they listed out the symptoms. I just laughed it off at the time but after my search pulled it up and I started reading about it so many things about our marriage struggles started to make sense. I immediately downloaded and read Melissa book and am going to try to get an appointment with an ADHD therapist this week if possible.

    Here is my fear, and one that wasn't addressed in the book. My husband has "had it." He said to me repeatedly he wants me out if the house. He's implied he is going to a divorce attorney on Monday, and he isn't speaking to me at all, even though I keep trying. I am fearful that when I leave for work on Monday he's going to change the locks on me, he's that angry and disconnected. I feel as if I've had a breakthrough! If ADHD symptoms have been the root cause of so many of our problems then there is finally hope! Because all the years of me "trying harder" has just led to disappointment, hurt and anger. This could give me a path to "try smarter." But he will hear none of it. I told him I think that this REALLY is the issue and that I am going to go and get help, and he just says "well that will be great for your next boyfriend because I'm done."

    i don't know if I should just try to ride out the anger and hope that if I get treatment and things start to turn around that he may be willing to participate?  So much of what Melissa talks about in the book assumes both are involved in getting help. In his mind right now he's done and sees it as my problem, and one he doesn't want any part of. 

  • narcissisism to the max.. by: lovehurtsalotwi... 10 years 8 months ago

    Three long years and very slight improvement? ok maybe on my behalf,i had to learn "his way" follow "his way" or else i would be running out of labels...Fact remains,(HE WOULD NEVER CHANGE)...In order for my marriage to work i had to change my way of understanding to value his,my way of motivation to stand along side him,my way of every single thing to accommodate his way..

    I lost the one friend i had,losing the one family member i was trying to rekindle with and also losing my head over what was suppose to be a combine relationship,joining in two's but always staying at one...ME!..I AM ALONE! there would be no husband to help me through anything that is a family task,or friend task for that matter..

    I am not allowed to hang with friends at bars,not allowed to hang with girlfriends as they would influence me.Not allowed to do nothing without permission or proper consent..

    Hello! am i married to Mr.Narcissis...yes!!!!!!...def...well,he goes on his fishing trips with his buddies while the little wife have to stay at home and play dolly house...

    The minute i flip out,the second i stand up for my rights,my marriage would end..I stated in a previous conversation with him about family and the importance of it,friends and how i miss them..He went on to say:

    """I AM YOUR ONLY FRIEND,AND FAMILY ARE BACK STABBERS..'''''....The world revolves around his pathetic needy ways..I am sickkkkkkk to my stomach..Had i not really love him i'd begone a long time now..Have i had it up to ''''HERE''' a few more rounds then maybe i'll be gone....


    lovehurts....

Pages