I have been wondering why I have lost my ability to know what I want or to be happy. I am learning a little about "healing the inner wounded child" for reasons about why I find myself with dh and why I am the "helper" rather than the "helpee" in my attitude in relationships and why I am so unhappy. I did not expect people to treat me with respect and love me or to give to me or nurture me, so in my mind, I think I must "work" to be appreciated and loved by anyone. So, the outcome after a lifetime of trying very hard to be a good person is that I have lost any inner fun child I might have been. On the other hand, as I am reading about it, I am realizing that dh and I have been allowing his inner child free reign and his inner fun boy has taken over us like a disabled child in the family. He is happy to be called an "imp"....he even suggested it. He has termed himself "fun boy" and says things like, "What did you bring me?" Maybe these antics were "adorable" when we were 15 years old but now his awe-shucks dufus ways are unacceptable. Everything is games to him (he spends a lot of time doing amusements, crosswords and sudoku rather than working) His speech has a small-boy coyishness and he tries to "flash" a smile and flirt. I had been stuffing so many things for so long. Now I am permitting myself to see clearly and accept....whereas when the kids were young, I rationalized about him to survive. I so wanted to have a happy family. Without an inner child of my own, I have become a miserable, workaholic stuffed shirt. I have been afraid to BE that child because dh would jump on it and we would become "the two sillies" rather than a woman with the one silly man. But it is not only that...I have it inside me that I must be responsible as a mother and wife and there is a critical voice inside me telling me that I am bad because there is chaos around me....there is a compulsion to clean things up nice and tidy. And we know that life is not nice and tidy. All the coping tools I have used for so long - my own denial, distractions (like work), rationalizations, ,,,, I am letting them all drop and permitting myself to look at myself as well as dh in the big mess that is our marriage.
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- The inner child by: jennalemon 11 years 9 months ago
- I didn't take it seriously by: Valklyre 11 years 10 months ago
I started dating a guy 6 months ago. It was amazing and he treated me like a queen (even though i liked it, i thought it was a bit too much and unusual for the beginning of the relationship). He told me he was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid and was medicated for 20 years. He also told me he stopped taking meds in the last 3 years. I didn' take this condition seriously and i didn't know anything about it until now... Well he is a very successful guy, very motivated, ambitious, amazing focus in detail, affectionate, charming, etc. i started noticing his off behavior from the beginning but i was so obsessed with the chemistry we had and with his hyperfocus that i ignored all the red flegs. He would tell me he loves me than disappear the next day than come back and tell me he can't live without me etc...i was constantly nagging him and basically correcting him without a slightest clue it may be his condition. Well i would probably tolerate this behavior a bit longer if my mother' friend who is a psychologist told me all about ADHD. I started reading more and more and i def realized i am not up for it. I know myself very well and i know i would never tolerate emotionally unstable person in my life (unless it was not by my choice). I had to let him go even though there are emotions involved. There are women who are willing to tolerate all the negatives. Is it because of love, beliefs, low self esteem, masochism, too many failed relationships in the past, who knows... The bottom line is that u have to be rational about what a relationship with this person can give u in the future. Are u willing to have kids with this person? Are you the type of a person who would be satisified even with the little bread crumbs of attention and constant instability? And so on... My guy has no idea why i left. I just told him he needs someone who is extremely patient and will not be so demanding like me. Leading him on and living in illusion would be the worst for both. My advise for non adhd's who just started dating an adhd, don't ignore the red flegs, be very realistic of who you are and what u need in a relationship. Follow your reason and not your heart when it comes to these things because emotions eventually subside and u r left with a reality.
- ADDERALL by: SEARGHTIME 11 years 10 months ago
HAVE NEVER POSTED ANYTHING TO THE INTERNET, SO IF THIS LOOKS OUT OF PLACE I APOLOGIZE. I WAS READING ON THIS WEBSITE MEMBERS ACCOUNTS OF GOING OFF OF ADDERALL AND HOW THAT HAS HAD A NEGATIVE IMPACT ON MARRIAGE. THE ACTUAL PROBLEM I AM CERTAIN, IS THE ADDERALL IN THE FIRST PLACE. IT RECONFIGURES THE BRAIN TO CREATE A SELF ABSORBED PERSON. IT IS VERY DIFFICULT FOR A SELF ABSORBED PERSON WHO HAS NO EMPATHY TO BE A GOOD MARRIAGE PARTNER. I'VE SEEN THE MOST SENSATIVE GOOD PEOPLE TURNED TO STONE BY THIS DRUG. IT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL. MY WIFE, SOON TO BE EXWIFE. WAS TRANSFORMED BY A COMBINATION OF THIS DRUG AND ANTI DEPRESSANTS. SHE WAS AN AMAZING MOTHER AND NOW COULD TAKE OR LEAVE OUR CHILDREN, SHE LIES ONLY WHEN AWAKE. SHE STOPPED GOING TO CHURCH SHORTLY AFTER THIS DRUG WAS INTRODUCED TO HER. BEFORE THIS SHE WOULD TELL ANYONE SHE LOVED CHURCH AND FAMILY. SHE PRETENDED ADD WHEN IN FACT SHE TAKES ADDERRALL TO LOSE WEIGHT DUE TO EATING DISORDERS. SO EIGHT GREAT YEARS TOGETHER WENT DOWN THE DRAIN AND I AM LEFT WITH TWO VERY SMALL CHILDREN WHO HAVE A NARCISSIST FOR A MOTHER WHO ONCE DOTED ON THEM. MERCK AND PFIZER AND WHO KNOWS WHO ELSE KEEP MAKING THERE BILLIONS WHILE THEY HAVE LEFT MY WIFE A WRECK MY CHILDREN BROKEN AND ME FRUSTRATED AND AMAZED. PEOPLE WHO SAY IT WORKS FOR THEM NEED TO ASK THE PEOPLE AROUND THEM IF THEY THINK IT WORKS FOR THEM. YOU MAY BE IN YOU'RE OWN LITTLE SELFISH WORLD HURTING OTHERS WITHOUT REALIZING OR CARING. THE DOPAMINE WON'T LET YOU CARE. ITS A VERY NEW WORLD WITH ALL THESE PRESCRIPTION DRUGS BUT IT IS NOT A BETTER ONE. R
- On a Timer by: Anonymous (not verified) 11 years 10 months ago
Pulling away... I read many posts and hurt for you all. Clearly I can't be clear. Words just don't do the job.
- WTF??? by: hurting716 11 years 10 months ago
I came to this site months ago and introduced myself and my relationship with ADD. My husband and both my children have been diagnosed with ADD. I've had some health issues and other family members with severe health issues that have kept me away from the board for some time. As I struggle again and felt the need to come back to get some words of support, encouragement, advice, etc... I just sat here reading (and maybe I just haven't read the right topics yet) and thought WTF!
I have read nothing but how do I deal with this, any suggestion on dealing with that, is this a symptom of ADD. I realize ADD is real, but where are the people with the diagnosis? Why is it the ones who don't have ADD are here looking for answers, help, solutions, etc... What I've read (if you take out the diagnoses from the my "husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, partner") it would just read as pure abuse. I personally don't think even my family means to be abusive, but as I have lived with someone who has had ADD my whole life (I believe my father and brother are both undiagnosed, my first husband went undiagnosed, and now my husband and both my children have been diagnosed) I'm starting to wonder how much of this is legitimate and how much is a convenient excuse to just be selfish.
I am normally a positive person. I try to look at someone's strengths more than their weaknesses. I try to look at the positives, always hope for the best, and look to the good points. However, as I once again fell into a ridiculous argument with my husband this morning, look around the house and see no improvement with any of them, I have to stop and wonder, are these just selfish people? Is being ADD an excuse to just have the rest of us cater to their needs?
I have lost myself. I have spent countless hours doing research, reading, even buying books and reading them ahead of them so they wouldn't waste time reading something that wasn't helpful to them, doctor appointment after appointment, and therapy sessions. Why? I don't have ADD, but I love them and want them to have a better life. It appears that I'm the only one who is concerned with this. Why is my free time being eat up by trying to figure them out and bettering them when they don't seem to care? My husband is over 40, my son is turn 18 in a few months, and my daughter turns 14 next month, it's not like these are little children that need constant supervision but I have felt that I have been a babysitter for three individuals who are no older than a toddler. At what point do you just call it quits and let them fend for themselves?
I have been in therapy, have suffered a mental breakdown, have lectured til I'm blue in the face, bought computers, pda's, smart phones to help them remember and organize their lives for it all to turn into are devices they can play games on, have spent countless hours trying to come up with solutions for each one to be more independent and successful, but for what purpose nothing gets better, no routines, nothing. It's like two steps forward, three steps back. When is enough enough? When is it their responsibility to do something? They aren't on any websites to get help, if it isn't a game they won't be there. I read the books and tell them what I found to be some good information they should check it out and there are stacks of books with dust on them.
My husband doesn't even get that he is the one the children mimic and that he should set the example. He looks at me with a truly puzzled look as to why the kids do what they do and it takes everything I have to go "REALLY?". I explain that I'm the odd man out, they don't relate to me, they can't comprehend me, be like me, but if they actually saw him doing more, etc... that they may get the idea they can do better. That just won't work, because he may actually have to do more, imagine that.
I love them dearly and they aren't bad people. ADD, selfish, both, who knows? But here I sit at the computer trying to put my world back together as they "play". So, yes, I ask the question, WTF? Where are the ones with this diagnoses to help answer our questions? Where is their responsibility in all of this? We (as in those posts I've read asking for advice and help) sit here wondering is this ADD, how can we help with this, how can we help with that, etc... and all we have are each other saying hang in there, you wrote my life, it's the same thing with my husband/girlfriend.
I do realize there are individuals on this board with ADD and do respond. I am in no way expecting someone else to fix my problems or my family. This is more about venting how alone I feel in this battle. Venting about the fact that I am here again seeking support, answers, and hope that I may can help someone else with something more than "I sympathize". Frustrated at reading others who are suffering like me and all we have is each other looking for help not the "offending" party seeking help.
I don't expect a medal for doing my job as a parent or being a good wife. I just don't understand why those with the ADD (and maybe it's just my family) aren't out there trying to do more instead of just saying well I have ADD and this is how I am.
- The rapture of being alive. by: jennalemon 11 years 10 months ago
I am trying to make out in my own mind, what I want to do with the rest of my life. I find myself at this point crazily OBSESSED by my husband's distracted attitude and lack of any emotion/action/feeling/responsibility. What is going on here? I had the idea that for a marriage to work, each spouse did have to do some compromising and supporting the OTHER. This has not worked for me. And as I look back, I try to think, what WOULD have worked? As it turns out, I think I did the best that could be done by anyone. BUT I am left with this notion of, "Where did that really good and interesting and independent person that I once liked and was....where did she go?" She joined in with ANOTHER person to build something TOGETHER, but the other person just TOOK rather than CONTRIBUTE.
I hate the term codependency. But since I am so OBSESSED about trying to figure my way out of my totally unacceptable emotions and feelings, I am motivated to obsess for now to get a grip on my life.
"Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself. It's kind of a weird phrase, and it doesn't sound like it means a one-sided relationship. But that's what it is. It means you're trying to make the relationship work with someone else who's not."
I can gain my own independency back by laying strong boundaries and becoming "selfish" (in my opinion) in my choices. That, to me, means to not be in a relationship. I did not know myself well enough to choose the right person FOR ME. I wanted a relationship of two people who were willing to negotiate, partner in decisions and care for each other's well being. I am not of the ilk to play power games and enjoy the thrill of winning over another in squabbles. I am leaning about co-dependency anyway because like it or not that is the situation I am in because I care more for the relationship than dh does.
I remember before marriage the MANY times I felt the rapture of being alive. It was taken for granted that when I woke up, I felt the presence of LIFE inside me that shined out of me. I had been a creative enjoyer of the awesomeness of LIFE! Today I find myself Googleing things like "Man's Search for Meaning". I feel sucked dry and existentially empty and like the author of "Man's Search for Meaning", I feel imprisoned. Yet, I COULD open the door and walk out.....why don't I walk through it? I don't know.
- Clarity and excuses by: nonadhdme 11 years 10 months ago
I purposely stayed away from this message board for about a week. My husband left, and I read through and contributed to several posts in here trying to understand what's going on.
I've been telling my friends about the situation, what led to all of this, and why I felt ADHD was contributing to my husband's unhappiness in our marriage. I also explained how there were so many unfair things in our marriage, such as him not looking for a job, me having to be the mommy and keeping him on track, and so on, and how I blamed ADHD.
What each and every friend has said is, ADHD is not an excuse! And it is not a reason for me to compromise and have to work harder than my husband at the marriage.
And that's what it's come down to. Being on this message board has been very informative, and I love the support on here. But at the same time, I feel a lot of us here are making excuses for our spouse's behavior, and somehow we're accepting this behavior and letting it go because of ADHD. When I was reading through the messages and posts, I felt like this was all my fault, that I wasn't working hard enough to put up with his ADHD behavior. I wasn't holding him responsible for his own actions. Once I stepped away, I gained clarity about what I really wanted in a marriage, and realized this marriage is not what I wanted.
We need to understand that the ADHD is causing certain behaviors, but this doesn't mean he doesn't have to work on it. And if he refuses to work on it, then it's time for us to evaluate the marriage and figure out whether it's worth it for us to put up with this.
Just remember: ADHD is a condition, not an excuse!
- Pregnant and having trouble dealing with ADHD partner: Im so overwhelmed by: S_Lotus0808 11 years 10 months ago
I am almost three months pregnant and my DH has no shown any interest in me or this pregnancy, unless he wants to have sex that is. I do all the housework, I take care of the dog, I cook (or he doesnt eat) , and I do ALL of the household shopping. He goes to work and comes home to the computer (we have netflix). I was at my breaking point before I found out I was pregnant and thinking of separation. The unexpected pregnancy has thrown a wrench in my "get away". Im so unhappy with him, and our relationship. He just recently started taking non-stimulant medication for his ADHD. He has every symptom to the highest degree, and then some. He lies ALOT, he has defensive outbursts, that get physical not with me yet but the walls and doors of our home. I just dont want to live this way and cant bring a child into such a unstable environment. I have tried everything I know how to bare with him and his "treatment" aka medication. I feel like counseling is necessary to help him deal with his emotions and daily life. I have to remind him to shower and brush his teeth almost weekly for a shower, daily for the teeth. Im not attracted to him I cant sit in the same room with him for more than ten minutes, listening to him talk is exhausting and repetitive, also I cant tell anymore when he is lying or telling the truth. Are ADHD men prone to fabrication? Some sites say yes. I dont know what to do. I cant handle the lying, everything else I thought would get better with the meds and possible counseling. It feels like I am married to an underdeveloped 17 year old. Is there any alternative to divorce at this point? Im at the end of my rope.
- ADHD married to PSTD by: Anonymous (not verified) 11 years 10 months ago
Hello all,
I have Complex PSTD. I don't want to get into details (I don't think I could these days)... I learned to manage it and built a life for myself, learned to give myself breaks, and coped with my sense of mistrust by being selective. I even learned to feel "good enough" for myself. Enters my husband...ADHD...Wonderful man, amazing hyper-focus courting....all great....then right after the wedding...I got dropped from his arms like a hot potato. Do I have to tell you what that instant, inexplicable, sudden abandonment feels like to a Complex PSTD? ..what do I call myself? survivor of severe childhood trauma (which I compounded unknowingly by serving as an aid in emergency situations, military and otherwise). Is like I forgot anything that had earned me the "good enough" peace. I have spent these last year and a half working like a mad woman (seriously..I have alone..my whole 5'4" of self, repainted and repaired, and remodeled every room in his house...started the last room, the master bedroom, this morning)... why? to earn... I don't know what. He is sweet..... he loves me.... but man he lives centered in his life, his wants, his video games... Example? We were together as man and wife 4 or 5 times in our first year of marriage.... for our honeymoon he brought his video games, and I found myself confused and "dropped" sitting at the beach alone... His finances were so bad (all found out after marriage bc he was so embarrassed to tell me before) that I had to use all my savings and retirement to "save him"...so the sense of safety that I earned with those funds is gone. We have been entirely fixed on fixing his life....meanwhile I have been saying to his counselor, to mine, to him, to our pastor...I am about to break...I am exhausted... I have nothing to fall back on...no ways left to earn anything...If he could not see me when i had resources how could he see me when I am spent? So here I am... People must have thought I was kidding? seeking pity?.... I was not... It is so hard for me to ask for help...I was actually asking for help.... So I am in the breaking now...... I turned off all my communications with friends... social media, phone, etc... I seriously do not get how I was beautiful a year and 1/2 ago and now I look in the mirror and see an old and ugly lady looking at me asking...what happened? We started counseling together last week... My fixing brain came to the realization that our problems are not so much ADHD (he is now on medication) and PSTD (alone I had been able to manage it), but what do you do when they marry each other? He recently seems to have realized how deeply I have fallen into this oubliette... he is trying...but I feel numb...Then yesterday I tried to ventured out...Got time etc... to make myself obviously available... he came in he room started to give me a back rub (nice..right?) said he was about to go get an achievement in his video game and left. Holy .... I mean... I know this is PSTD talking...but what do I have to look like to compel him? I have arrived to a place when if anyone tells me I am beautiful, I scuff. If he does..I look away. If another man does, I feel mocked. Next week I'll have no walls left to paint... what in god's name am I going to do them. No ways left to earn...well..anything. ADHD helps grow bad habits, and although he works on his ADHD, he does not follow through on things we have discovered helped...he is habituated to having others fix stuff for him...carry his burden...while he is the entertainment. but he does not look funny to me anymore...all the jokes (usually all the same again and again) are now worn and puerile. I am alone... I left my job etc... back in the old continent, from where I hail. I know very few people... That is part of the odd stuff..he has hundreds of FB friends but he has no friends at all... ADHD style... He was the entertainment so long ...noone took him seriously,..and now he is stuck. There are three men in my house.... The Hyperfocus him I fell in love with and went in a long away trip, the ADHD him that threw me down and now and again says oops, and PSTD (yes..I call him a man too...bc he is always playing power games with my soul, just like my dad did)... Maybe I just have to realize I will never have just the one husband to walk with. I am breaking... and I do not know what to do...or if there is anything to be done. It might be the end of the fight. How to sit at ease with the end of the hope of one day finding a harbor and feeling finally safe could actually happen...to me. I feel doomed. Counselor tomorrow...clealy I have not given up just yet... but I feel so numb... I can see that is counterproductive ....and I can't shake myself out if it. I shoved his hand aside the other day when he went to take over my computer (he has a hard time teaching by showing, he just takes over) ... he got so angry.... After 2 years of him living telling me he was super strong and responding to my "I am sorrys" when I accidentally bumped into him etc... with "what, i did not feel anything".... he goes and tells me for pushing his hand aside "You hit me, you are just like the people you told me about." Who, you ask? the ones that spend my childhood throwing me down the stairs, hitting me with pipes... wait...I said no details. I am just like them bc I pushed his hand aside.... Maybe he is trying to demonize me so he does not have to feel bad to see me break.... but now when I accidentally come into contact with him I feel panicked. This romance feels like hells inside my cells. If you know a road, please draw directions for me gently... I am able to take little at this time. Oh...and sorry if this sounds all wrong..English is no-where near my first language. Sorry.
- How to handle intermittent but prolonged mourning by: PoisonIvy 11 years 10 months ago
I go in and out of deep mourning for the loss of my marriage. I'm not divorced; my husband is not dead; but the combination of ADHD, depression, and perhaps a personality disorder have affected him so much that I believe that our relationship is not one of mutually supportive partners and that it never will be. I realize that it would probably help if we were divorced, but right now, that is not yet a possibility. Is there any chance that I can move out of mourning on a permanent basis or is it just human nature that I will periodically feel anger and sadness about the loss of my marriage? Any tips for getting through the sadness in the moment? Thank you.