Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Any stepparents out there who are married to a person with ADHD? by: makwis 11 years 10 months ago

    First off, let me say that I'm SO glad to find this site! My husband just keeps telling me that I'm the nagging, crazy wife. It's nice to know that I'm experiencing the same emotions many of you are. My quick story- I've been with my husband for almost 7 years, married for almost 4. When I met him, he was newly divorced with 2 children (whom he shares 50/50 custody with). Together, him and I have a daughter and son. Depression, anxiety and substance abuse runs in his family. He's always been medicated for the depression and anxiety and was being medicated for being bipolar, but a test later showed he did not have bipolar. He was diagnosed with ADHD last year around this time.

    Our relationship has always been up and down. He is the breadwinner and seems to handle everything at his job well. When he comes home in the evening he walks in the door, changes his clothes, eats, and watches tv or sits on the iPad all night. Eventually he’ll go to bed while I struggle with cooking, cleaning, laundry, bathing the children, bedtimes and everything else that takes a family to run. I get frustrated and tired, but am at the point, where I’m so bitter about it I just don’t care anymore.

    I struggle with his children as I don’t know if this is ADHD behavior or if this is something unrelated. His 2 boys are very codependent on both of their parents. While our 5 year old is very independent. He openly prefers his boys over our children and I have great resentment over it. The boys struggle with school (their doctors have confirmed that both boys have ADHD but are both unmedicated) and our 5 year old excels. When I get after the boys about doing normal and age appropriate things (like making their beds or remembering their glasses) I get yelled at for nagging them. But, I don’t have to tell my 5 year old these things as she just does them. I got yelled at last week for asking his 8 year old why he swallowed toothpaste. Because apparently I shouldn’t be asking those questions, who cares if he eats toothpaste?! When it comes to parenting him and his ex take the “I’d rather be their friend than their parent” route. So, when I actually parent I’m the bad guy to his kids and to him. He yells and says I favor our daughter over his sons. It’s not that, I treat them the same way I would treat any other 8 and 12 year old. I hold them to higher standard than the 5 year old. And why shouldn’t I? He’s very condescending and lazy with them. Problem is, so is their mom. I think my husband feels this is how parenting should be and I feel otherwise. Is this normal ADHD behavior?

    We have the same fights over and over again. The same talks over and over again. Though the talks are never talks, they always end up in arguments. With every new low we hit I keep thinking that this is rock bottom only to find a new bottom a couple weeks later. Everything is my fault. I never want to have sex (not something I crave) and that’s all he wants. Sometimes I think he’d be better off with a nanny, maid, and prostitute. That’s all he really wants. We never talk or do anything together. I suggested going on a small vacation (just the 2 of us) for our upcoming anniversary and he said vacations aren’t something that just 2 people take. It has to be a group of people. I just don’t think he wants to spend any time with me. I left him this summer (when our son was 5 weeks old), only to be talked into coming back by his dad. I think that was the last real talk my husband and I have had. Promises were made, but never kept. I’m a burned out virtually single mom, with these other awful kids that show up at my house every other week. My husband will show them all of his love and affection leaving nothing to give to OUR kids. In fact, a few weeks ago he referred to his sons as being “his kids” and OUR kids as being “my kids”. Our daughter has realized that “Daddy loves the boys more than her”, words she’s said to me multiple times before.

    My other issue with all of this is my husband does take his medication everyday. He gets very irritable if he doesn’t take it. Do you all still deal with all of this when they actually are medicated? I haven't noticed a difference from when he was on medication to when he doesn't. I have noticed he's more rigid and irritable though. He feels like a different person though he says. So, according to him, it's working.

  • Im new here and I have ADHD by: darkmangt88 11 years 10 months ago

    I never thought that i would be at this junction that i am today. I was diagnosed with severe ADHD back in 8th grade and was on rydelan (spelling?) till sophomore yr. At that time i stopped taking it because i felt like a total zombie and that wasn't me back then. Im 24 now, been married a 1 1/2 and been with my wife 2 1/2 yrs total. i always knew i never really grew out of the ADHD like the doctors said i would..... but i never thought it was as bad as it is now. i did make an appt with the dr and it is at the end of this week.

    after reading some of the other posts on this site i realized that i am not far from my marriage falling apart if i don't get my problems under control. a list of my biggest issue (a lot i admit and some my wife says i have):

    -Inability to really grasp what she is saying when we try talking about our relationship

    -A lot of short term memory issues, such as not remembering conversations we had in the previous days or things i had committed verbally to doing at some point (i always blamed the pot from high school for this one)

    -really bad with getting chores done and procrastinate a lot. i always tell her i will get it later and don't......

    -i admit i cant sit still with out shaking my leg or fidgeting or having to be doing something on my android phone

    -i get overly involved when playing video games and basically tune out the world

    -my wife claims that i also don't hear her calling for me when she is in another room, apparently takes a few times before i actually notice her holloring my name

    -she claims i am not affectionate as i used to be

    -i am a disorganized wreck and especially with all my unfinished projects around the house

    -also tend to have mood swings out of no where sometimes (though my anger has never manifested in a physical way or abusively)

    -bit of an insomniac

    -and cant keep a job for more than 6 months and cant restrain from compulsively spending money on stupid things

     

    I come forth with this because i want advice, from those with ADHD and those dealing with a partner that has ADHD, so that i can avoid my marriage from being ruined. I love my wife to death and don't wanna lose her. we already have a strained marriage from all the petty fights and what not arising from my lack of chores, money issues, especially my memory issues, and from me not "getting what she is saying". She has already told me that she has at times considered leaving because the stress of me never remembering things and not paying attention to her.

    What are some things i can do that will help improve my situation. i know admitting i have a problem is the first step, which i have done and am seeking medical help.

    No i don't do any drugs, No i am not an alcoholic. (I drink only on special occasions and never more than 3 or 4 beers max)

    I admit i am a sex addict but have have not had any affairs or anything. (i admit though that the lust we first had isnt there anymore)

    Thank you in advance for any advance or help you can lend me.

  • Need to talk? by: justme2013 11 years 10 months ago

    So like most here, I need to communicate things to my husband that he just can not hear or process. Like most here he gets defensive, angry, interrupts me and eventually manipulates the whole conversation to go in a direction that better suits him. Like some here I have cried til my eyes hurt, screamed til my throat bleeds, I have lost patches of hair due to stress and now suffer from anxiety.....all in an effort to simply be heard, acknowledged and understood. I often ask myself out loud like the crazy person he has made me out to be...can he hear me?....while he defends and deflects.....am I speaking a different language?......I do feel that banging my head against the wall provides better results than attempting to convey something to my husband sooooo I need to let this out....its as though we are not allowed to express our feelings so I suggest that this thread be a place where we can express ourselves freely! I will now unload my feelings in hopes that being able to complete a sentence or thought might bring some comfort.....I have nothing to lose.........

     

    I feel lost, lonely, confused, tired, frustrated.....in one word....defeated. I wish I had a shoulder to cry on. I wish I had safe arms of comfort around me. I wish I wasn't always so alone! I wish I could talk without being interrupted or screamed at. I wish I didn't have two days of anxiety before even making an attempt to communicate. I wish I didn't have two hours of anxiety before my husband gets home from work, wondering and worrying what mood he will be in. I wish I wasn't so sad.....I set goals to have a day without tears....then the realization that I am setting such a goal brings me to tears. I feel degraded, dismissed and at times invisible. I often miss the love, attention and affection.....but then when it returns I am too bitter and resentful to accept it or appreciate it so I have just been without. I wish my husband knew how much I hurt. I wish he knew how much it hurts when I am talking to him about something important to me and he falls asleep, or when he just stares at the tv and looks right through me, or when I am expressing a feeling and he just blurts out hey this is that commercial I was telling you about. It make me feel very unimportant, insignificant and quite unloved. I wish I felt pretty or dare I say beautiful. I wish I felt safe and secure. I wish I didn't need this xanax. I wish my mom didn't have cancer, or that I at least had a strong support system at home. I wish I knew who I am anymore and secretly I always wished someone knew how I felt......and now someone does......thank you for reading and being that someone!!

  • I'm his mommy! by: nonadhdme 11 years 10 months ago

    Having more and more time to think, I'm increasingly seeing how unbalanced my marriage was.  I was giving much more than I was getting in pretty much all areas: emotionally, financially, taking care of responsibilities, household duties, etc.  When I was talking to my friends about how much I love my husband despite all that he's done (or hasn't done), and how I don't mind supporting him financially and doing more than my fair share (which I didn't... if I'm in love with you, there's really nothing that I won't do for you), but I held myself back before I blurted out "it's sort of like how you love your kids, how you would sacrifice everything for their well-being?"  

    I pretty much became his mom.

    And it dawned on me, that's why he's so upset at our relationship.  At home, it's all about being told by "mommy" what to do.  You have to go do your homework (go find a full time job), stop playing your video games (computer, Internet, and iPhone), go do chores (help me with the household duties), we can't go to the toy store, mommy's busy (life isn't always going out to have fun, I'm busy working trying to make enough money to cover both our expenses).  He wants to leave the marriage just like how a child wants to go over to live at his friend's house where he thinks every day is just fun and games.  And I became frustrated like a mother dealing with a teenager.  

     

    To him, home is where all the responsibilities and all the unpleasantness of life happen.  That's why he wants to move away.  It's avoiding and running away from the unpleasantness once again.  Whenever I would bring up something he doesn't want to talk about such as his ADHD and how it affects the marriage, he shuts down the conversation.

     

    Well, now we wait for him to find out what reality is like, and when he's faced with having to do all the same things that he has to do in our home, but now he'll be doing it without me.

    This realization, while it makes perfect sense, makes me incredibly sad.  I want a husband, not a child.  And it feels so terrible to realize he's running away from something that basically EVERYONE has to deal with, but he doesn't see it.

    There were a few times in the past he has told me, "When I'm out with my friends, I have so much fun.  When I come home, I feel so sad and anxious."

    I told him, "when you're out with your friends, they're not talking about the debt that we're in.  They're not talking about how you need to look for a full time job because your current job is not enough to cover your part of the expenses.  They're not talking about having to fix the water heater and where we're going to find the $1,000 to have it replaced."

    He just doesn't get it.

     

  • Worn Out and Sick by: LoriLinda 11 years 10 months ago

    Not sure where to start...My road has been a rough and rocky one. I feel as if I have hit a dead end. I have been married to my husband for almost 12 years now. We married when I was 21 and he was 22. He was diagnosed with ADHD when her was 22 but it was never treated. My marriage consist of verbal, emotional, and a few times physical abuse. Just purchased Melissa's book in the hopes of making sense of all of this. I am so exhausted...depressed and just downright fed up of being the only one putting effort into this relationship. He may put efforts in his perspective but I don't feel sane or healthy with him anymore. I was diagnosed with celiac disease, PCOS and graves disease. My mother died because of Lupus at the age of 25. This stress in my life has not just made my life difficult; it has put my health at risk.  I do it all...pay the bills, take care of our 2 children, clean, cook, remember pretty much everything! Everything is an argument. Today he started an argument because I asked him to please clean up after himself at the dinner table. He became defensive and angry. I get this all the time. I am always wrong, crazy, a nag, angry, negative, mean, uptight, pathetic, the list goes on. I am seeing a psychologist once every 2 weeks because that is all I can afford. She feels I am on the verge of depression and is very concerned about my well being. My graves disease is spiraling out of control and I can not handle this kind of treatment from him. I had a vacation without him for 3 weeks to NY last summer and for the first time my graves was under control. I felt such peace, happiness and normalcy! For a while I thought the medication was not working. Now here I am, back to my graves flaring and feeling like a big pile of doo. I am currently unemployed, horrible credit (due to his recklessness) and away from family (he was a marine and swept me away). I feel isolated, hurt, hopeless, and lost. He refuses to seek professional help or treatment. How can this marriage work? I have lost myself because of this marriage. His narcissistic, selfish, irresponsible, forgetful, and arrogant behavior towards me has turned me into someone I do not like. He may have other mental health issues going on but refuses to see someone. Reading post on here and reading Melissa's book is helping me understand but I just want out. I'm just too drained and worn out. I feel like my life force gets sucked out of me when he's around. I want better for myself and my children. 

    Lori

     

  • game addiction and adhd by: longwalk 11 years 10 months ago

    Hi

    I am an ADHD spouse and am working through the ADHD book.

    Need to vent and bring up a topic, and wonder if anyone else might be dealing with a similar issue.

    My ADHD spouse has been deeply involved in a war-based role playing game on the Iphone and Ipad for the past six months.
    He has had game addiction issues in the past, at a desktop computer, and stopped cold turkey a few years ago.

    Now he is on the phone or Ipad inside the game world 24/7: first thing in the morning, last thing at night, in the car, during dinner, on the weekends, during the evenings when he is home. He played it when we were visiting relatives over the holidays.

    We have a 7 year old child.

    This is having a negative impact on our being able to do things as a family, and on household tasks and routines. It affects meal preparation, chores, bill paying, time management and communication.  l I am always saying it is time to go to X (grocery store, school, work, etc;  always mentioning the time and that it is time for X. I have asked politely for him to stop.

    Today I found him half dressed, playing the game, and it was time to take our son to sports practice. Our son is late (again). THis was a day when I thought I could take a break from the practice, since I am usually the one to handle this.

    Mornings, when it is time to get our son ready for school, spouse stays in bed playing the game

    I have asked politely for my spouse to control it. I have tried to let him know that it is having a negative impact.This results in disrespectful conversations. He is disrespectful to me and tells me I am being mean, nasty, etc.

    He gets angry and then verbally abusive at me if I try to bring it up. Yet this behavior is causing so much damage. He is not fully present anymore. I have woken in the middle of the night to find him playing the game. It buzzes and he picks it up.

    I am in so much pain and feel so helpless. There are many other things going on. But I do wonder if this is an issue for others on this list, given the prevalence of smartphones and tablets.

     This behavior would not be allowed if it came from our seven year old son, and yet his father is doing it, and treating me with contempt when I mention that it is inappropriate.

    Thanks for listening

  • When ADHD in a relationship makes non-ers appear crazy... by: clf2012 11 years 10 months ago

    Does anyone else struggle with this?  It's rarely talked about but I feel like it probably happens to other non-ers.  I suppose it's not a priority on the list of concerns as there are even worse things that need to be addressed and so doesn't get talked about often.  But does coping with your partner's ADHD ever end up making it appear like you're crazy, unreasonable, moody, neurotic,  etc.  to the public at large including friends and family?  Those suffering with ADHD often have had a lifetime to develop coping mechanisms to help them mask their disorder at work, around family and friends, or out in public.  I know at least in my relationship that my partner is like a Jekyll/Hyde character, acting one way around other people and then acting very differently when it's just us.  Since I don't know very well how to "put on an act" many people, who don't realize what is actually going on at home, assume my reactions to my partner's ADHD are simply faults that I have.  Or here's a good one:  my partner has an irrational need to have his car be the first in, in our parking space (we have to park linearly so one car gets sandwiched between the wall and the other car).  What he'll do if he needs to go somewhere is move my car into our elderly neighbors parking spot and leave it so when he comes back he can just pull in and then pull mine in behind.  He gets IRATE if I move mine out of neighbors spot before he gets back because then he feels he has to move mine AGAIN and then pull his in after.  So naturally, our elderly neighbor upstairs thinks that I'm an inconsiderate jerk who steals her parking space since it's my car that gets left there.  What do I do?  Go knock on her door and say to her, "oh, I'm sorry I'm not the inconsiderate jerk.  My boyfriend has an irrational fear of his car being first out but won't let me move my car out of your space because he's too lazy to move my car again when he returns even though it's to accommodate his irrational  necessity"?  Even if I had the balls to do that, he'd go off the deep end because I let it slip that he's not the perfect gentleman that he wants everyone (besides me) to think he is. 

    Another example involves his lack of social boundaries.  When we'd be in a social setting, I'd be a nervous wreck because of his inability to manage himself properly socially.  He'd invite relative strangers back to our home for the evening or tell people I'd be willing to help them with something the following weekend that I either couldn't or didn't want to etc. if I wasn't there to subtly intervene.  So, naturally, I started hearing from people that I was 'clingy' or 'uptight' because I was always in such a nervous mood at these gatherings not to mention feeling like I had to be by his side all evening for fear of what he'd get us or me into should I step away for a minute.  He'll also often tell his friends and family about my seemingly 'negative' or 'crazy' conduct without mentioning to them how they could be responses to his ADHD behavior OR many times when seen in context are actually 'positive' and "recommended' ways of coping with or helping him manage his ADHD behaviors.  Theres just too many examples to relate here, but in general I've come across a lot of the time very negatively or a least come across as someone very different than who I actually am.  I've limited my interaction with his family because of this, which makes me really sad.  But they refuse to see or he simply hides how abnormal he is.  Also, I've found that having COMPLETELY SEPARATE social groups has really helped.  Maybe that seems extreme, but I need to be able to just be myself around SOMEBODY and to NOT have my identity be the byproduct of the out-of-context information he'll relate about me and/or the out-of-context behaviors I'll exhibit around him.

  • At what point do you stop fighting for your marriage? by: nonadhdme 11 years 10 months ago

    I was trying to explain this to a friend.  My husband has decided he wants to leave, and since i've been pretty miserable with him lately, I didn't oppose to the idea.  But still I still have thoughts about getting back together with him, still trying to mend things, still trying to work it out.  My friend thinks I'm nuts.  Ok, nuts isn't the right word, but he couldn't understand why I would want to go back when I've been so miserable.

    What I tried to explain to my friend is that my husband is an amazing, wonderful person.  It's this out of control ADHD that's screwing things up.  It's not 100% the reason, but I believe it's certainly a big factor.  Looking at the overall "big picture", we are great for each other.  Our friends who know us, despite knowing our struggles, still think we're the perfect couple.  Friends envy the relationship we have.  I can give you a hundred reasons why we're made for each other.

    But unfortunately my husband loses sight of that as he's currently hyperfocused on what's wrong with our relationship.  This is not the first time he wanted to leave.  Each and every time, I have been the one that fought for our marriage.  I'm the one that has agreed to many changes (I know I'm not perfect, I'm willing to work on my own issues), I'm the one that ends up going through hell trying to convince him to stay.  And when he does decide to stay, it's because he usually realized that he was being petty and stupid to want to throw this marriage away over a little whim.  So he does see what I see when he can see clearly.

    I feel like if I can get my husband to see clearly, he will understand what I'm talking about.  He's mentioned it before many times, we've got a very strong relationship.  He knows we complement each other well.  Until he starts hyperfocusing on the problem, then all of a sudden the relationship's not working out.  He's currently unmedicated.  He was on adderall for a while which he liked a lot until the effectiveness went away when his body adjusted to the medicine.  Then he just quit and has never gone back.  I want to convince him to try taking adderall again before making the decision.

    But at what point do I stop fighting for the relationship?  I'm getting tired.  There's a part of me that wants to let it go and move on because I don't deserve to go through this crap.  And there's no telling when he's going to hyperfocus on something wrong in our relationship again and want to leave.

    There's the other part of me that refuses to let a good relationship go over a trivial issue that husband is hyperfocused on and can't see past.

    An older friend of mine told me, society today, people give up too easily and for the stupidest reasons.  She said that's why there's such a high divorce rate.  At the first sign of trouble, it's divorce.  Back in her day, people worked through their troubles.  People made compromises, and learned to live with the little annoyances and enjoy the bigger reasons why fell in love in the first place.  No one is perfect.  What you do is you find out what's really important in a person, and learn to deal with the unimportant things.  I feel like she's dead on.

    Do I keep fighting for this or do I need to give up hope at this point?

  • Love and Not Love by: jennalemon 11 years 10 months ago

    The link below should be required reading for EVERYONE.  They should teach these things in school.  Love is not hyperfocus that fades.  Love is caring and nurturing and maintaining and being able to commit and embody trust.  The best equation for a good and happy marriage is to marry the right person.  How can you tell who is the right person for you?  I am embarrassed that I did not know these things when I was younger.  My young heart saw too many romance movies.   I guess I mistook all these things for love.  I wanted love but I didn't have a clue of what love was other than the expectations of what i saw in my family of commitment, hard work and honesty.  I will be teaching my grandchildren to not mistake lust, obsession or rebounding as love that could last a lifetime.

    http://teenadvice.about.com/od/loveanddating/a/3thingslove.htm

  • New here and unsure............ by: justme2013 11 years 10 months ago

    I am new here and stumbled across this site while searching for answers or help for my failing marriage, it seems that my story is quite similar to some here so I figured reaching out is worth a shot, I have nothing to lose! I am sorry in advance if this is long but being new here, I have a story to tell.

    I am 37 and have been with my husband for 16 years, married now for 1 and we have 4 kids that range in age from 5 to 15. I love my husband and love our family but I am hanging by a thread. Smiling to the outside world but dying inside myself. My husband was diagnosed with ADD and took medication for a few months and decided it wasn't "working" for him. I had no idea that his ADD could have this effect on our relationship...I thought maybe he had a personality disorder or something else and the ADD was the least of our worries as a couple....after reading here I may have been very wrong. So I will try to list/explain some things that go on in my home. Horrible mood swings, one minute to the next I don't know what or who I will get. And when I ask him why he is so cranky he gets extremely defensive, raises his voice and sternly says he is NOT cranky. Sometimes if I am foolish enough to engage...this whole yes you are, no I'm not thing can go on for an eternity which will usually end up with maybe he is cranky because I am bothering him about being cranky so now were left with a which came first...the chicken or the egg situation. I could and have argued that he exhibited signs of crankiness first, hence my asking/bothering, but all this becomes very juvenile and distracting as now we are no longer even arguing about what transpired originally. This scene is very common in my home. Also very common in my home is the inability to be wrong or sorry. Like a few I read here I have told my husband a million times, when you do/say something wrong, you simply correct yourself and say sorry and we will move on. The few times he actually tried that I made sure to react accordingly to encourage such behavior but it never lasts long, he will always revert to his real self. And now quite frankly I am resentful because I feel like his mother, I have little ones who I am still teaching things like saying sorry when you're wrong, do I really have or want to spend my life teaching such simple things to my husband? In any event it usually goes like this....I make the mistake of asking a seemingly simple and harmless question like...honey why did you turn off the coffee, I am still drinking it? Now I assume in a normal marriage/household the spouse will answer with something like...oh I didn't know you were still drinking it, I'm sorry....I get a sharp I didn't turn off your coffee....I reply with um yea you did....NO I didn't he says sternly....we now go a few rounds of yes you did, no I didn't....leading to him saying things like everytime something is wrong around here its always me, never you but always me, everything I do is wrong...etc. I have tried to stay calm and explain that it's not life or death, it's coffee....I can turn it back on. He still persists, I didn't do it, I didn't do it much like a child. It can take anywhere from 45 minutes to a few DAYS for him to say something like...you know what now I remember turning off the coffee, I'm sorry. But after hours or days of his rage over being falsely accused of something he knew he did I'm usually not much in the mood for sorry's and make-up kisses. I usually just say fine, that's fine. He mumbles things under his breath and when I ask...did you just say this is bullshit? Again with the rage of NOOO I DIDN'T....sometimes he will make up something random like I said this just don't fit, I was talking about my sweater! I am lying on him, accusing him, blaming him and he is sick of my shit.....and as usual 45 mins. to 3 days later it is...yea I said this is bullshit, I'm sorry...I don't know why I do this. He says this often, he doesn't know why he does these things or acts this way. He doesn't pay much attention to me, does not like talking or listening, loves watching t.v, it's a chore to get him to take me out because he forgets or something and when he finally says fine honey lets go out tomorrow....by then I usually say no thank you. He apologizes regularly for being "lazy" as a husband and not showing me love, attention and affection, talks about how foolish he is and tells me how he will stop that....well we have this conversation once a month or so....I assume that would suggest that he has not changed anything. We have the EXACT same arguments regularly almost like clockwork and every time he manages to act like it's the first time this issue is being discussed.....I am completely baffled and do not know what to do anymore! I am alone, lonely, depressed and now have anxiety to add to the list of things wrong with me now....is there hope/help out there? Is this a result of his ADD? I know he sounds like a monster here and at times he really is....but I swear his core is good, he is a good person....he really is.....but at times he is typical of what I have read here, forgetful, unattentive, moody and sometimes mean.

     

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