I am trying to look at myself for answers about why I find myself in this marriage and why I stay when clearly it is so difficult.  I was taught about love in church.  The model of love was sacrifice.  If you sacrificed your life and your needs to someone else, it was considered LOVE.  I was of the age when MY marriage vows had the words in it of "promise to obey" and his words had "promise to love". My parents taught me to obey and behave and have manners.  In school years I was many times on various teams - sport teams, work committees - working for a common cause.  In a corporate job, I was often motivated by management to think like a "team". I really don't mind serving other people - I like to do things for others and I especially like working with others for a common good. DH continued my SERVICE and SACRIFICE training to curb my decisions FOR HIS lone benefits. He used effective management tools on me for his every whim and comfort.  All he had to to was ask and I was willing to give of myself.  If he did not get his way, he would make me pay with his hateful looks, uncooperativeness and mean words or telling me I was not loving enough if I didn't do this or that..he would just NOT DO ANYTHING while I danced around him trying to get him to play on our team with me but I was constantly involved in his dance to play with my emotions and get his lone enjoyment out of controlling me for his ego,his getting away with something or his staying out of trouble.  I was taught that God and family are the most important things.  Now these teachings and upbringings are not serving ME or the FAMILY in the present - I don't like myself or the model I have given my children - I can't live with myself because I feel so angry and resentful and ineffective.  Have I been trained to NEED to be servile to everyone and everything? Then if I am being who I was trained to be, why don't I have pride and contentment being and doing those things? Why do I feel so bad? I was not taught to NEED recognition but to be humble. Now my humility seems stupid.  How do I change myself to become someone who expends my energies into a way that I can live with?  I know about Pavlov's dogs who were conditioned to behave a certain way and how it is nearly impossible to "unlearn" BEING a certain way once you are trained.  I also know about "gaslighting" and that people can be made crazy when things don't add up to be what they appear to be with constant betrayal. When I ask happily married people what is their secret, they ALL say the secret is to marry the right person.  When I asked my minister, what I could do, he said that the commandments were meant FOR the people to get along together. God does not want anyone to be miserable their whole life because of the commandments.   Why do I find myself PARALYZED to make any changes in my marriage?  I believe DH is unhappy and feels PARALYZED too and can't think his way out of our unhappiness either other than deny things, re-write the truth from himself, re-write history in his mind, distract himself and blame me.  I think I answered my own questions.  I feel like I need a hand to reach out from outside of myself and give us a lift out of this.  I pray for that hand or the change inside myself to have the strength and courage to take action.

"If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or other things" -Albert Einstein

My sweet husband has ADHD and I am finally realizing how much I don’t know about it and NEED to know about it. I love him very much and want to be supportive and I'm 100% for our marriage... So I’m studying everything like a hawk, especially Melissa’s book.

But I need help.....one huge symptom of the ADHD is how particular the husband is about certain things, and how things are done, and then how he is brutally honest if you don't meet up to the particulars.. It is as if there exists a "rulebook" written in his mind (which there is) of how things should be (stupid people don't get any tolerance).  Thus, I totally fear his reactions and his criticism.  This has plagued us since we were newlyweds (only 4 yrs ago).  I know most of the time his intentions are good (but still hurtful yeah).  I fear making him mad when I do something “wrong” or if I don’t do something--if I don’t have the house clean enough, or if I leave a candy wrapper in the car for 2 days, if I accidently drop something, if I’m too loud when I do the dishes, if I stay too long at the grocery store, or even if I am too open about my feelings on something…. Because of my fear of what he thinks, I get on the defensive WAY too often when he brings this up, like I just broke one of his “rules”.. I feel like I'm "in trouble" and try to justify and explain why I did what I did. I am REALLY trying to work on that—and honestly trying to validate his opinions and stop talking about myself in these situations.  But I can’t always do things the way he wants me to. I can try differently to be better, etc. etc., but I can't be afraid of being myself.

I know it’s largely a communication issue, right? It usually blows up in an argument, because I 1) make a big deal out of things 2) take offense 3) am overly emotional/sensitive. It’s the symptom-response-response pattern, right? But then, he turns into “parent” and treats me like a kid, teaching me how to do things better and think through things like an adult, and how to stop “acting like a kid” with my emotions.

I don’t mean to play victim.  I just hate making him mad more than anything, and then I hate myself for making him mad, but then I end up getting so mad at him for this whole cycle we go through over and over and over again!  Because I don’t know what to do at that point.  I take the blame upon myself.. which eventually burdens me enough that I get even more offended the next time I do something wrong in his eyes.  I can’t always say, “Oh I’ll try not to be so sensitive next time” and then magically learn what his rules are. Sigh.

I've tried explaining how I feel, but it usually ends up that I am complaining about things, and he hates complainers.  I've tried asking what his expectations are which sometimes helps, but he often can't verbalize them and I just have to "figure it out". What usually works is trying to walk on eggshells, praying I don't do something stupid, and not getting offended by his remarks when I do.  But his rules are bound to get broken, if not by me then our children, and I can't stand the thought of them getting criticized and "taught" the way I am right now.

Any suggestions of what else to try?

I'm starting to suspect, although I could be entirely wrong here, that my partner might have Oppositional Defiant Disorder issues to the extreme.  I always assumed that the reason he always seemed to behave the opposite of how I needed him to was because we were just a bad fit and that his ADHD caused him to be very self-focused so my needs were ignored.  I even mentioned in one post how it seemed that our basic needs always seemed to be in direct conflict so that one of us (actually just me every time) would have to jeopardize something intrinsically important to them to allow the other to have what was intrinsically important to them.  The strange thing is that I've gone through some personal changes as of late that have very much changed what my needs are...and wouldn't you know it, his needs suddenly changed too...and again to those seemingly directly in conflict with mine.  Something seems fishy here.  For instance, we never were able to spend much time together before.  He was always out with friends, working on a hobby at his workshop, etc.  I felt it was important for us to spend positive quality time together because of the issues we were having in our relationship.  The more I expressed the desire to spend more time together, the more he would go out and the later he would stay.  Recently, I've given up on fixing the relationship and have desired to spend my time alone working on my own hobbies.  Well now that I want him to go out and do all the things he was doing previously, he suddenly doesn't want to do those things anymore.  Now he hardly goes out anywhere and when he does he comes back after just an hour or two. 

Another good example of this is that I used to be really lax about cleaning the house and made it clear to him that we didn't need to put too much effort into keeping it clean.  I called it "bohemian chic" lol.  Well he was practically OCD about cleaning the house and would freak out about everything in regards to keeping it clean.  Recently I've gotten more picky about the house being clean and now he doesn't do ANYTHING to help keep it clean.  The same guy who was practically OCD now prepares food on a cutting board that hasn't been washed for days and has old dried food stuck on it.  It's hard not to notice a correlation between the changes I've experienced in myself and the "changes" he's now also undergone.   It's really very unsettling....

First, let me say I don't really know why I'm posting this other than the fact that I feel the need to write this down somewhere where people might understand. Feel free to ignore!

21 years of marriage, 2 kids, countless years (I swear it is somehow more than 21!) of financial and emotional chaos. He is a 44 year old man still acting like a petulant 15 year old. (Our actual 16 year old and 9 year old are both so much more mature in so many ways.) He moved from his mother's house to my house back in the day, and has never supported himself or taken care of himself. He spent years making promises (and I think actually believing them), not following through. He was diagnosed years and years ago with ADHD and has been spotty about his treatment. He refuses to do anything more than take a few pills every day. He drinks like a fish, plays world of warcraft or some such stupid game--I don't even know these days which one it is--for hours and hours.

In all the time we have been married, I have had 4 different jobs and have only been unemployed once, after graduating school, and that was for six weeks total. In all that time, I have taken two two-week vacations, a six week and a three week medical leave after having kids, and a handful of one week vacations. I counted the other day and he has held 27 jobs in that same period of time! Further, he spent at least five of those years unemployed. He quit jobs, got fired for cause, got laid off, kept going back to school for degrees he never finished, etc. He actually had two jobs that lasted only one day!

He spends money like it's nothing--literally has no sense of addition, even when it's written down on paper in black and white. ("I know the numbers don't add up, but I think it's important to get this thing." Seriously.)

His parenting style at first was "keep them alive while she is away". He was a "stay at home dad" off and on for a while, which turns out to mean that he slept in until noon every day and then he and his friends got together with the kids and drank and played poker all afternoon while the kids played. (Found out about that and put a stop to it by paying for preschool while he still sat home.) His parenting style now that the kids are older is "do fun stuff when it suits me and otherwise yell at them if they're interrupting what I want to do").

In the early days, he was great at getting me to relax, kick back and enjoy. We enjoyed each others' company and senses of humor. These days, there is only anger, memory loss, defensiveness and confusion. I think the confusion and memory loss are a combo of ADHD, drinking so much for so many years and something else I can't put my finger on. His father went through the same process. When I met my father-in-law, the man was pretty sharp and could hold a conversation. Now he's confused much of the time, moves slowly and can't keep the thread of a conversation for long. My soon to be ex spouse is going down the same path. His previously sharp and witty sense of humor has become senseless, crude, confusing and embarrassing. He cannot remember things that happened to him, conversations, or how to speak or think logically. He used to be a whiz at chemistry and now cannot remember even the basics when trying to help our oldest with homework. He cannot read a simple calendar or operate even basic computer programs that he used to be able to use easily.

His lying has gotten out of control. He lies about everything--big and small. And he's so much worse at lying than he used to be! He's so obvious, it's a joke. He gets a look on his face like he's constipated, presumably trying to think or remember what he's said before. His betrayals have also increased and gotten larger than life.

I have worked my butt off for years trying to help. Books, counselors, organizational systems, reminders, talks, etc. Promises, promises, promises, lies and refusals to follow through. Forgiveness on my part and starting over. Serious damage to the relationship, especially the love life.

So a couple of years ago, he had an epiphany. He realized that all of his problems were due to me. I didn't help him enough in his life. I wasn't understanding enough. I just didn't understand that he wasn't capable of being a partner, but that I was at fault for not seeing him this way anyway. He flat out stated that he was not capable of changing his own actions, but that he took "responsibility" for them by admitting to them occasionally. He did not feel he had to actually do anything to fix the problems. He knew that there were ways to fix the individual issues, but he felt that they were too difficult, too likely to fail given his past. So, in short, I should act as if he was and treat him with love and caring and with respect and as if he had been an equal partner all these years. I should see him as the big, responsible man and treat him as such in all ways. If he overspent, I should take on a second job to fix it or just live with the consequences. ("We can always just declare bankruptcy! It's no big deal!") I agreed with him that he should be treated with love and respect, but I did not agree that I could acknowledge something that was untrue or just flip my emotions on a dime.

I tried working it out. I tried to concentrate on the big stuff and let the small stuff slide. We reconnected physically (which is really, truly, the only important thing to him besides video games and booze). But he wasn't into it anymore. I was fat and ugly. He sampled other wares. He told me about them, comparing me to them and explaining how much better they were. He got dumped by the other wares and became even more depressed.

Still, I tried working it out. We have two kids. I meant what I said when I got married--in sickness and in health.

He, however, loved the cycle of his dramatically threatening to leave and my talking him off the ledge.

So, a few months ago, he did his dramatic threat again, but this time I said OK, go. I started closing our joint accounts, splitting the money. I got a second job and a family loan and paid off all the debt. I drew up all the papers for divorce. I got an attorney. I drew up a schedule for custody. I drew up what I believe is a very fair settlement for him--he actually walks away with more than I do, just to keep it peaceful. I told my family and close friends that we were splitting and started down the road. I am done. I will never go back.

He did nothing for the last few months. Finally, he realized it wasn't going to stop and he got a small apartment. He begged relatives for money, giving them whatever sob story he could think of, and pieced together a place. He did nothing to prepare at all.

Now, he has figured out that he can't afford to live on his salary. (He never worked this out before threatening to leave or heading out the door.) He has figured out that he has little to no credit because he makes little to no money and all the credit that he enjoyed earlier was due to my salary and my work on the credit rating.

He has also figured out that moving out and having joint custody means that you have to take care of the children. They expect a certain level of care, and they are not quiet about it.

He is really, really angry with me now. Apparently, he was "forced" to leave, "forced" to make the decision due to my bad behavior over all these years. I am the one who gave up on the marriage. I am the one who caused the bad marriage to start with. He has told some of our friends that the marriage ended because I cheated, I stole money from him, and all sorts of other untrue things. He doesn't realize that they don't believe him.

But I am no longer angry. I am sad for the kids who have to go through this. I am not sad for me anymore. I do not wake up feeling anxious or guilty anymore. I have so much more energy, so much more time. I don't have to clean up after his messes anymore. I can help my kids heal and help them see what good parenting is because the two households are so different from one another. And the coolest thing is, their relationship with their father has gotten better! He realizes now that he has to treat them well so that they want a relationship with him.

Here is my hope for the future. I hope this newfound desire to be involved in his kids' lives translates into figuring out how to actually be a good parent and not just a buddy to them. I hope that his newfound independence will help him to understand that there are immediate consequences for his actions and that there isn't some magic person (previously me or his mother) who will just go "fix things". I hope he finds someone wonderful and becomes the person he wants to be. I hope he realizes that drinking and video games is a poor substitute for a real life.

I don't have too many hopes for my future, because I am already in my future. :-) I am doing what I have wanted for so long, which is living the way I want to live and enjoying my life no matter what comes. I have a close relationship with my kids and that is the most important thing to me along with their future.

We still have a relationship because of the kids, and we always will. So is there a forum for that??? I am sure there are going to be bumpy times ahead when he falls through for the kids or we disagree on something huge relating to them. Marriage has ended, relationship has changed drastically, but hasn't ended...

OK, done with random rambling for the day. Thank you to anyone who got this far for just listening!