Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • I'm acticng childish because I feel childish by: yyq 11 years 10 months ago

    Well, that was another crappy night of covering up your feet with the blanket so they don't get cold, then having you roll over taking all the comfort with you and leaving me totally exposed. 

    What a petty thing for me to say. Sounds bad coming out of my fingers. That's why I'm saying it here, where someone might get what I mean. 

    Hey, I know if I had the ability to understand you in proportion, I would get the monumental effort of will that it takes you to have lunch with friends, and I wouldn't get so worked up when you seem to forget that I'm here. If I could just keep in my sight what it takes for you to get through the small things, I wouldn't feel so neglected, alone and unloved. And when I'm feeling tough, I do. I get the whole thing and drown my bad feelings in the ocean of my love and empathy. But this morning I'm weary, and I can't. 

    On a really great day, I can hang out on the outside of the big rock fortress that is you and be warmed by what I believe is the glowing love on the other side of the wall.  I know now not to knock on the big wooden door, and not to claw at the stone. I know there's no getting in. I know the best way is to just sit with patience on the grass outside and know. This morning, though, I'm weary and I don't have faith.

    I know it's not cool to lay all night looking at the ceiling and imagining some guy who would want to hold me. Who'd surprise me and flatter me and smile at me and go on adventures with me and say "Hey, lets" instead of "I don't care, just tell me what I have to do." Who wouldn't roll over and give me his back for 8 hours a night while I wet the pillow. Who would think I'm as great as I want to scream at you that I am. As I sometimes scream at you that I am. Who wouldn't always have a headache or a sore back or sore shoulders or general ongoing discomfort that takes anything but nursing it off the table. I know it's messed up to wish I were in love with him and not you. 

    I don't know any more languages to say "love me" in. I do know all the symptoms, I know what's you, what's me and what's ADD. But this morning, I'm weary and I don't much care. 

    I'm sick of failing at this, I guess that's the part I get. So that's why I'll write a letter on the forum and not to you. What's the use in telling you, it just makes you feel bad and it doesn't make anything better. I know how to use an I statement. When you [seems innocuous] I feel [destroyed.] I know how to make a relationship strong by working to understand and powering through and compromising and being honest. But right now I feel childish. So I'm acting childish. I'll eat up the consequences later when we fight. As soon as I start to explain, I'm just going to feel guilty anyway. So I may as well be selfish now. 

  • A New Low by: clf2012 11 years 10 months ago

    Well, our relationship just reached a new low this evening although I'm sure it won't be the last. 

    I was trying to backup an old ipod that I found so I could still have all my old songs but wipe the slate clean and have a newly organized one with new songs on it.  I found free software that would take my old songs and store them on my computer so I could erase it.  My partner who touts himself as being a "computer genius" though on many occasions that has proved to not be the case just could not stay out of what I was doing and claimed he had a faster way of doing it.  Being a "computer expert" he feels he has to handle all these activities himself (and usually against my better judgment) so instead of just letting me do what I was doing, he took my ipod went in the other room and told me he was "making a copy of the drive". 

    In MY general understanding a copy does not automatically erase the original. 

    So this is what ended up happening:  He erased the contents of the ipod BY "copying the drive" BUT not having made clear to me that he HAD erased it (our usual communication issues rearing its ugly head) and seeing that the copy he made was not accessible off the ipod, I told him to delete THE COPY, which he did without SAYING ANYTHING. 

    I feel like anybody else would have at least cautioned, "you know the original is erased so if I delete this, it's all gone" and I did repeat over and over that I wanted the old songs...so WHY DIDN'T HE SAY ANYTHING?!  He just deleted it.  But that's not the worst!  After realizing what happened, he starting shouting at me that I was stupid and can't understand simple things before I even said a word to him about it.  I was shocked to say the least.  But on top of that when he saw how upset I was (mostly from his calling me stupid and not because of the ipod) he brought up something I couldn't believe he would. 

    When I was younger my dad used to call me "retarded" all the time even to family friends as a kind of joke but it always hurt my feelings.  In the past I've brought this up to my partner when talking about my dad and how it and some other behaviors led to me having self esteem problems and he of course empathized with me at the time.   Well, during the ipod debacle he shouted at me "you know, you ARE retarded just like your dad said".  I couldn't believe my ears.  Why would he say something like that to me?!  How could he "go there" so to speak?? 

    On some level I get that he's actually just embarrassed that this happened with the ipod and feels it's his fault.  But why not just say, "oh sh*t, I'm so sorry"  "I think we had a breakdown in communication there". ???  The fault IS both of ours.  He didn't communicate NECESSARY information to me and I simply ASSUMED that if there was any potential of losing any of the data that he would have you know, mentioned,  that to me.   But to bring up something so painful from my past in such a silly situation as this?!  I just can't wrap my head around it and/or how to move and get past it.  Is he going to start bringing up all my painful insecurities and past issues every time he feels bad about something??  How do I stop this new development in its tracks before it takes hold as a habit?

  • Like clockwork... by: nonadhdme 11 years 10 months ago

    Every year, right after the holidays, my husband gets the itch to leave.  The holidays are a stressful time for a lot of people, and between all the family obligations, spending money on gifts, and having vacation time but not being able to do anything because of said family obligations and no money leftover for a trip, I can tell he once again feels bored in the relationship and puts the blame squarely on me.

    I first visited this site and posted my experience almost exactly 2 years ago (I believe you can see my posts in my profile).  Back then, I was thinking about leaving him, but that wasn't until after he had left a few days and came back.  At first he blamed me for being boring and not having enough common interest with him.  Then he came back after he realized that there's more to the relationship than just common interests.  But at that time, I was thinking to myself that i deserve better.  I deserve someone who gives me the attention that I need and deserve.  That's when I discovered this site and learned about being in a relationship with someone with ADHD.  That gave me more of an understanding of what was going on and I felt I could learn to deal with it.

    Last year, something similar happened around the same time... Husband wanted to leave again, but we again I agreed to change myself to fit in with what he wants.  Kept this website in mind, thought about it, learned from it, and tried to move forward with it.

    This year, I braced myself, and sure enough, he complained about the same thing yet again, despite all the efforts I've put in.  But everything is my fault.  Guess what?  This time, I'm done.  There's no turning back.  I've given so much to him and if he doesn't see how damn lucky he is to have me, and to have someone give him all this love despite all his bullshit, then he doesn't deserve me.

    I will say this though... My therapist told me ADHD people can be fickle.  And boy is he!  Up until a few weeks ago, he told me he loved me so much, that the relationship is stronger than ever.  How do you go from that to "I want to leave" in a matter of weeks?  I don't know.  But I do know I'm not going to put up with this anymore!  It's time to put myself first because Lord knows he doesn't!  

  • inappropriate language by: takeitorleaveit68 11 years 10 months ago

    Hello, just found this site and hope to learn alot.  Here is my situation:   I am in a relationship with a 45 year old male with ADHD.  He takes meds (concerta) and I have only known him since he has been taking it (so I don't have any sense of whether the medications help him or not because this is the only way I have known him). Here is my problem:  He has a horrible potty mouth! He uses the "f" word at least twice in every sentence.  I've explained that it offends me. I've explained that it makes him seem hostile, inappropriate and/or uneducated.  It just rolls off his tongue endlessly.  I notice he doesn't speak this way in front of his family though (which means he CAN PRACTICE SOME SELF CONTROL AND PERSONAL CHOICE in the words he speaks, right?) I am frustrated beyond belief.  I have, on occasion, sent him home due to his foul mouth. It's difficult enough to have a conversation with an ADHD'er without trying to filter through all the foul language.  I am curious, has anyone else experienced this? Is this just his personality and has nothing to do with ADHD? I'm stumped, help! Any input/advice welcome.

  • Advice on ADHD traits in a relationship by: Cougar67 11 years 10 months ago

    Hi,there, I am a new member and I was wondering if anyone out there could give me some advice please. I will try to keep it short and sweet if possible. I met this guy who lives opposite me,I have know him for a few years just to say hello to in passing. A few weeks ago things developed between us and at first things appeared to be ok but then I noticed a few things didn't add up, I knew he was a recovering alcoholic but had completely transformed and turned his life around for the better.

    He would make comments such as this is me letting you in, after telling me a few things about himself which personally I thought were insignificant at the time and he only had a few close friends and family. I asked him why me and what was it about me and he said it was because he thought we clicked and that he trusted me up to a point which I thought was a bit strange as he hardly knew me. I remember staying at his place one evening and laying on his settee with a quilt over me and he specifically saying your privleiged as he had never done that before but never thought to ask him why. I would routinely joke to him about having a ritual,everything was done in certain way and in an orderly fashion and him mentioning that it was his way of coping otherwise he would not be able to function. He did tell me had ADHD and that he was also diagnosed with learning difficulties when he was young.  He hadn't been in a relationship for a very long time and the relationships he had been in had lasted under a year and he said he had been hurt before although his words were drink and violence were involved and that he also basically messed up so to speak. I thought nothing of it and he must of presumed that I understood about the condition as I had mentioned that I also had a son with the same thing but I was unfortunately an absent parent. He told his family about me and that I was his girlfriend although we had only been seeing one another for a short space of time and there had been no discussion with me on the subject. I noticed small things such as he would repeat himself sometimes, it was as if he had somehow forgotten that he had mentioned something or would have no recollection of it , or he would say things as if he had already told you it before and therefore would assume that you knew what he was on about, he would also have to explain what he was doing whilst I was there and there would be times when he would talk to me as if though I was a child having something explained to me for the first time,eventually I got so frustrated with him I nearly ended things but we managed to talk things over and things really improved after that, generally I found him to be a nice guy who seemed quite caring and attentive for most of the time. I spent xmas with him but a few days after at his place and we were always in the habit of teasing and joking with one another. Something cropped in the conversation mentioning a neighbor which just so happens to be a female and quite attractive and I recall him mentioning her before and I suppose one thing led to another and with me saying I thought that he fancied her but in no way was I acting jealous in anyway, and I said I am not stupid I have been round the block a few times, which although I cannot exactly recall his comment to that,it was however rude and made me feel cheap and I wondered why he was becoming personal towards me, the mood seemed to change thereafter and it was at this point he suggested that perhaps things should go back to how they were before, me meaning it to be just friends or so I thought and when I questioned him on the matter he refused to say and said it didn't matter and therefore would not expand,I said if you want to end things or are having doubts about us just tell me and I won't bother you anymore ,it was at this point I got upset and I was nearly crying, I left and went home, I emailed him saying how hurt I felt and I couldn't understand why things had happened the way they had and that if he had wanted to end things he didn't have to hurt me in the process or test me to see what response he got, I gave him back the present he got me for xmas, he posted mine through the letterbox, card and gift voucher and then text me to say sorry for how things had worked out,this left me feeling completely perplexed and dumbfounded. I then sent him several emails, in hindsight I now no that would of been too much information overload but I didn't realize this at the time. I last saw him a few days ago after him having blanked me and not responding to my emails as if though somehow I had never really existed which left me feeling considerably hurt and confused. He was very cold towards me and basically on the defensive and even accused me of shouting at him when truth known it was a result of feeling frustrated by the situation and left feeling what an earth had I done wrong and wondering how things had got like this, he told me that I had peed  him off that night when I said about fancying his neighbor and that he thought I was comparing him to her, which I wasn't and he said he didn't fancy her at all although that night he did mention that he would of considered embarking something with her if it were not for the fact that she had kids, confused.com, he said he thought I was personally attacking him with my emails and said he didn't think things would work out and that he would sleep on it or we could just remain friends. Admittedly after this I sent him some really nasty texts lashing out,no excuse,regardless of me feeling hurt, and since then although I have sincerely apologized for my emotional outbursts,he has completely ignored me apart from the fact he saw me the other day when he was pulling out onto the road on his motorbike and he looked at me and then rode pass and then I caught him looking over at my window for a while as he lives opposite me but he couldn't see me, so much for keeping it short and sweet and apologies for long post, but does this have anything to do with avoidance with some ADHD sufferers and that the closer they get to someone they retreat because it risks to many unpredictables that a relationship brings with it,I did generally get the feeling that he did care but this could also be hyper-focus, he did say he was generally quite happy with the ways things are and that he was happy to be by himself, but I honestly don't believe him because when I nearly finished with him before he had tears in his eyes, truth is I feel gutted guys. 

  • Me, ADHD, and my marriage by: Lost and Found 11 years 10 months ago

    I'm new to the forum and have been doing as much research as possible to understand my ADHD, but I need some help and I don't know where else to look so any help would be appreciated.  Here is my story:

    I was diagnosed with ADHD 3 years ago.  I'm in my late thirties and have been married to the most patient woman in the world.  However, her patience has been worn thin and we are currently trying to rebuild our relationship.  But, I have some issues that I can seem to find solutions to and I'm wondering if you all could give me advice.  First, just to let you know I do see a therapist once a week, because I was brought up in a rough home and have some issues that run concurrent to my ADHD.  Second, my wife and I are seeing a therapist and trying to work out the years of trust issues that developed due to my ADHD, which we didn't know about until 3 years ago.  We have been married for 9 years and were together a year before that.  I'm only telling you this for background info.  This is were it begins.  For almost 9 years I have ignored my wife.  This was not done purposely.  I didn't help her with house work or made a big stink if I had to.  I didn't touch her all that much, like hugging, kissing, rubbing her back, etc.  I didn't support her when she started her sewing business, which fell apart eventually.  I basically have jumped from moment to moment with out being aware of time and what has happened during that passage of time.  Looking back, I see where I went wrong and believe me I'm currently carrying so much guilty that it makes it hard for me to feel human much less lovable.  I wasn't trying to hurt her.  I really do love her more than anyone or anything in the world.  I could lose everything and I wouldn't be as crushed as I would if I lost her.  No one person has stuck by me like her and to think that I have ignored the person I love....it is an unbearable weight.  But, I'm trying.  I'm trying to be a better person and a better husband.  We are not without our fair share of problems though.  Sometimes I will have doubts about our relationship that is sparked by something she says or her lack of sexual interest in me and wonder if she wouldn't be better off with someone else.  Once a thought like that enters my head I hyper-analyze it to the point of paranoia and anxiety.  I can't seem break from these thoughts and in the process I will push her away, but that is not what I want to do.  However, I know if I share with her the insanity that is going on my head she will be overwhelmed and frightened.  Have any of you had problems with obsessive thinking?  I don't know what to do about it.  There are a few things that trigger this off.  One is boredom and the other is insecurity.  Since the day my wife told me she wasn't sexually attracted to me, I have had a hard time believing that she would ever want to have a sexual relationship with me again.  It has been difficult to stay faithful, but I have turned down every advance that any woman has made on me.  Now, I don't want you to get the wrong idea, because there is a certain justification to what she said to me that I have been made full aware of during our sessions with the therapist.  But, one of my biggest problems with my wife is her inability to communicate with me.  She tends to bottle thinks up.  In our therapy sessions she admitted she did this because she knew how sensitive I was and was afraid of how I would react, which made me feel even worst.  The thing is that I have developed a trust issue with my wife because I don't know if she is giving me the full story.  Is she afraid of how I will react and not telling me everything?  I just don't know.  And, what makes it worst is before we went to see a therapist, we were on the verge of separation and she admitted that she had a crush on a guy at work.  This is a guy I see every time I go into work.  He is a nice guy too.  A little cocky, but overall pretty nice.  She said she was attracted to his confidence and with me feeling so broken and crushed due to the way I have treated my wife for close to 9 years, I can tell you I'm exuding very little confidence these days.  What I really need is some positive encouragement from my wife that she still loves me, that she still is working towards rekindling our sex life, and that she still finds me attractive, but how do I ask that of a woman who has put up with so much shit from me.  Honestly, I don't think I would hyper-analyze her recent and unknown purchase of sexy underwear, if I knew that she was completely honest about her intentions with our relationship.  I realize that building trust takes time, but I feel I might sabotage my efforts if I can't get these obsessive and hyper-analytical thoughts under control.  I'm still a little raw right now, because the talk of separation was only three weeks ago and I do feel we are heading in the right direction, but when my self-doubt gets the best of me it taps into the all the raw emotional turmoil of my abusive upbringing and I often feel like maybe I will never be able to change.  I don't want to go down that road it will lead to some dark thoughts that I haven't had in a long time.  At least not since I before I met my wife.  Please give me some advice.  I love her.  I don't want to loose the only person patient enough to discover the good parts of me. 

  • topsy turvy world by: jennalemon 11 years 10 months ago

    I have worked too hard for too many years.  DH works enough to "get by and have fun".  I have supported and tried to help him and given to him and our children.  DH just wants to have fun and takes it easy and uses his time and energy to soothe and take care of himself.  I look around and see this is happening all around me.  There is one diva/fun loving/devil-may-care spouse and one who holds it all together with commitment and work.  It seems that the fun one is truly happier than the worker and the worker resents the freeloader.  Yet the freeloader gets rewarded again and again.  I feel like everything I learned throughout my life is topsy turvy. I was taught that diligence and hard work would pay off and that being irresponsible and lazy would be a person's ruin and shame.  This is not what I see happening at the end of a long marriage.  Anyone have any comments on this link which says that if you worry about things, those bad things will come true and that if you focus on just being a positive thinker, things will fall into place - law of attraction?  I am so disheartened.  I feel my whole life has been given to dh for him to live without working too hard.  I feel like a failure.  I feel like a gave and gave...as I was taught.  And now it seems that the way to be happy is to know what you want and take it.....the new religion/philosophy?  Because giving of myself now does not feel good to me anymore.  I am like the Velveteen Rabbit - played with and old and tattered and unappreciated and used up and empty. I know this is not an ADD topic, but you all seem like nearly my best confidants....I am just unloading from a very dark place this morning.

    http://www.loablog.com/law-of-attraction/hard-working-wife-divorces-lazy...

  • Format for ADD screening? by: Anonymous (not verified) 11 years 10 months ago

    The disclaimer - this is my first post to this site, so if I'm not doing this the right way or in the right place please steer me to the proper forum/format.

    The short version: my husband was given a screening test for ADD that came back negative. I have not been able to find this testing method listed anywhere and would really like more information about it and its accuracy.

    The long version: my husband was encouraged to investigate the possibility of having ADD by his counselor. It had been suggested years previously by a friend who is also a clinician, and by me, (not a clinician!) but he was not receptive to the idea until his current counselor suggested it and I pushed for it. His family, friends and co-workers filled out assessment forms and he completed his own. They supported a diagnosis of ADD. When my husband went to his primary care physician with this information the doctor (an internist) wanted to do more screening. My husband went somewhere, he was pretty vague about the particulars, and was tested by typing series of numbers he was shown. I can't be more specific because that's all the information I have from him about the process.

    Much to his relief, he passed with flying colors! If they had asked him to find his keys, wallet, glasses, or phone, the results would have been very different. But he was a computer programmer for years and he loves working with strings of characters. Of course he did well. In my experience, this test hardly addresses the challenges and obstacles he and I deal with on a daily basis.

    As much as my husband was relieved, I was disappointed. It's a touchy subject so I don't want to try and discuss other testing options with him if this is in fact a valid assessment. Are any of you familiar with this assessment, and more importantly, do you have confidence in its ability to screen for ADD?

  • Help for laziness by: jennalemon 11 years 10 months ago

    I think this might help both the ADDers and everyone who now and then feel overwhelmed or just lazy.  I will try this out today.  I can only imagine that, when given the choice of standing in a spot and doing NOTHING for a set period of time (no eating, distraction, games, tv, etc.) or doing a specific task, that I would choose to do a specific task.  This would be a discipline/habit/tool that would help anyone who feels unmotivated.   DH has ALL these pointless distractions that fill his day, puzzles, smoking, needless putzing, reading all kinds of papers, that he has given himself the habit to feel he MUST do that the things he really MUST do don't get done....like planning for the future or making a living wage or having a relationship with his family.  If he is overwhelmed, then standing in one spot doing NOTHING other than one specific task would give him clear direction, right?   The only thing is that he is not motivated to even use any tools to make himself better.  Rather he has learned to accomadate his ADD by attacking any mention or discussion of his lack.  The other tool he uses to make himself feel good is selective memory, erasing memory, and thinking he did things that I did, not giving me any appreciation for my support....because he thinks he did it.  He seems to have no guilt or shame because he is able to manipulate his own versions of what is going on in his head. He has no compulsion to grow or be a good person but spends his energy and his thoughts on things like Family Guy, American Dad and Homer Simpson ....things that make his lack seem like normalcy. EVERY discussion with me or anyone else becomes a rant about politics...another diversion. This is crazy-making and the realization of it for me is heart crushing. I don't even think he sees me as a person.  He has filled his life with pointless distractions to "get by" and that is all he can/is willing to do.  

    Check out this site for anyone who would like to try this method to concentrate and get something done that you don't feel like doing.

    http://psychology.livejournal.com/827244.html

  • Help w/ Effective (not enabling) interactions by: Eli-34 11 years 10 months ago

    Like so many others, I’ve been a long time reader of this site and have greatly benefited from people sharing their stories. Finally, I’ve decided to get over the nerves of posting and ask for some advice about coping with my ex-ADHDer.


    My backstory- Three weeks ago I ended a five year relationship with my ADHD girlfriend (diagnosed about 2 years ago). She is one of those who believes taking medication (and not getting counseling) is an effective way to deal with her condition. Just about every year to year and a half, she wants to completely start her life over: new career, new job (old job is boring), new friends, and new city. Often these impulses came with wanting to get rid of me as well. She’s broken up with me so many times I’ve honestly lost count.  Both of her parents have ADHD and are untreated. They fund/enable her lifestyle or as her mom likes to call it “her amazing adventures”. They are completely unaware just how miserable their daughter is deep down as she struggles with feeling like a constant failure.


    Like so many of your spouses and loved ones, my EX can be an amazingly kind person. She’s intelligent, talented, and gorgeous. However, her impulsiveness and lack of control over her anger can led her to do some very hurtful things; often to the people she cares about the most. The final straw for me came about after the recent and rather traumatic death of my father. I lost my father (he was only 61) to a firework accident this past Fourth of July. While I was home helping to make funeral arrangements, my EX decided it would be a good idea to apply for culinary school in New York six months earlier than we had planned. I’m working on my PhD in Florida, where we lived together. This is her third career change and third college degree attempt (She’s turning 29). She also thought it would be a great time to go take that vacation in Europe she’s always wanted to go on. So basically a month or so after my dad died, she left for Europe and then immediately moved to New York.  I didn’t ask her to not attend school early, but I begged her to not go to Europe for three weeks. She said she knew it was the wrong thing to do, but she was going to do it anyway. She left me a lease to take care of, her dog, and all alone to deal with my grief. My family lives in Washington state. (FYI yes, I’m in counseling).


    Still I supported her. Her dream is to be a chef, and I believe she’ll be an amazing one. However, while in New York. She never called, even during Sandy. She was one of the few in Brooklyn who never lost power or cell service, but I didn’t know that because she wouldn’t answer my calls. Checking up to see if she was ok during Sandy was “too smothering” apparently.


    Eventually I got tired of all the back and forth and the lack of communication. Two weeks out of the month I was the love of her life. She wanted to get married, have kids. Now it’s I love you, you’re the only person I trust, but I’m not “in love” with you. I told her I wanted more than that. She’s stuck in this constant cycle of self-destruction and I felt like I was enabling her by always catching her when she fell apart. I know she’s going to get depressed soon and reach out to me (this has happened many times in the past). Before, I tried to encourage her to learn about her ADHD. Even read Driven to Distraction together and bought Melissa’s book as well ( I was the only one who read it).  I went to counseling with her (she stopped going right before my dad’s death).


    I know it is coming. What’s the best way to deal with it without enabling her? I know that I can’t do it for her (made that mistake already). I’m not planning or anticipating taking her back despite the fact that I do love and miss her.  I know this will just happen all over again. Should I tell her about the patterns of behavior I’ve observed and leave it at that? Should I just say, I’m sorry, but you need to figure this out on your own? Any thoughts? At this point I’m so heartbroken and full of conflicting emotion that I don’t know what is best.  Thanks everyone.

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