Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • How to let go of the anger, frustration, depressed/sad feelings by: kuzcotopia 11 years 10 months ago


    This is my first time posting. I'm really nervous to put anything out there because sometimes the things I think (after I type them) just seem silly, but I need some advice on ways to let go of being angry, upset, frustrated, etc.


    Short back story: I am the non-ADHD spouse; we have been together for 8 years, married for a little over 4. Like many of you, we have been having the same arguments, issues and problems just continue to repeat over and over throughout the years. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD in January 2012 and started on medication. His work life improved drastically (got a promotion and an great amount of new responsibility) but our relationship did not; we are currently in counseling to try and salvage our marriage.


    We had been doing just okay for the past couple of weeks with no major issues until Christmas. Something popped up and I became incredibly upset, embarrassed and feeling like the butt of a joke. He says he understands what happened and how what he did made me feel, our therapist also helped me to explain things in a more rational tone he might recognize more easily but I just don’t feel closure.


    As the non-ADHD spouse I can sometimes see clearly why x-happened and mitigate my response (based on acknowledging his symptoms) but other times I really just can’t and I have a hard time processing the hurt he caused. I feel empty and depressed; sometimes an apology isn’t enough because I’ve heard it SO MANY times before. I just want action, want to see physical understanding. I also want ideas on how to get past my own hurt to try and rebuild things on my end.
    Does anyone have thoughts or ideas on this?

     

    Sidebar: We talked in therapy about how he gets “stuck” and overthinks things. For example, he will want to show me he is sorry and think of an idea but then he anticipates I will hate it, scraps it and starts over. That pattern goes on in his head until he decides it’s just not worth it. I have reassured him that I will like any effort he gives and that trying is a step itself. But I feel like because of his overthinking I’m going to always be waiting… even though we work on it in therapy week after week. That doesn’t help us get over anything.
     

  • New Year Manifesto! by: clf2012 11 years 10 months ago

    I realized this past week after spending Christmas apart from my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years that there are certain things  I'm just not going to be able to do the same way anymore.  They weren't getting me anywhere anyhow.  I realized  first and foremost that because I was so tired of being upset all the time I'd started rationalizing all the upsetting things he was doing just so I wouldn't feel the need to get upset, example:  He often arbitrarily takes my car places instead of his without asking, leaving me with no transportation because I can't drive his car (stick shift) among myriad other inconsiderate and self-centered things.  I would tell myself things like, well he pays the rent (I was laid off from my job) so it's ok if he takes my car (!).  I have a million of these rationalizations that I deploy so that I don't have to feel upset all the time.  What this really is, is an act of attrition that doesn't solve anything and simply enables him to infringe on my personal rights simply because I am so tired of being upset.  I have decided instead to take the following action in future:

    I will not rationalize, I will be a rock.  I know what's right and what isn't.  Instead of letting anger and frustration rule, I will be unshakable simply with the knowledge of what's right and wrong.  Getting upset only ends up hurting me.  I will maintain composure with a jaded forbearance and detached self-assured stubbornness .  I will not doubt myself.  I will calmly and rationally explain to him without being indignant or flustered what is hurtful or wrong with his actions and I will be unmoved when he goes off the deep end or justifies his actions using his slippery rationale.  When this occurs or if I begin to lose composure or doubt myself, I will stop interaction.  I will go do something else, unshaken in my knowledge of right and wrong.  I will not become flustered or indignant in his presence for there is no need to be indignant if you are fundamentally right.  When he behaves like a child, I will let him throw his tantrum while I disengage and go do my own thing.  I will not actively ignore him or put energy into it for that is not true disengagement, I will simply focus on something else because I know what's right and what's wrong.  When explaining how I feel, I will not seek or expect immediate understanding or empathy but will appreciate if and when it occurs.  I will simply unwaveringly continue to address the issue in the above manner until it can be resolved. 

    Just because he does "A" (for now it's his paying the rent) does not negate my basic human rights.  Everyone is entitled to respect, personal space, and the respect of their personal property.

    This is my new manifesto for the new year!  

     

  • All the Positives by: newedwrds 11 years 10 months ago

    I am not married, but in a serious relationship with an ADHD partner.  I can see myself married to him someday if the relationship gets there.   I just wanted to say how much I appreciate this forum.  I read Dr. Hallowell's "Delivered From Distraction" and it gave me so very much.   All of my instincts were so validated.  Everyone should read it if you have not.  What you may be thinking is red flag behavior is not with ADHD.   I want to share all that I embrace about him AND his ADHD.  I think it makes things better, not worse.  I never ever want him to "change".

    -he is genuine and caring, to me and to everything around him

    -he is compassionate

    -he puts all of himself into everything he does, so what if it's not me at the moment?  The beauty of his whole hearted effort can not be ignored.  And I'll see him when the distraction is done.  For that matter, why are other things "distractions"?  They are important too, and could be overlooked by many.  The last dance is mine, so who cares?

    -he can think and act outside of the box, real life skills, real fun, real important

    -he can give me a place for 100% of me in our relationship, and I can't remember that ever happening.  He pays attention to all of me even the often overlooked parts.

    -he challenges my intelligence and adaptability on a daily basis, and I love that. 

    -he will NEVER EVER be boring or get stuck in a rut, and neither will our day to day life

    -knowing him makes me wish everyone had ADHD because it turns up the volume in all aspects of life.

    -I have never had so much fun knowing anybody and an intimate relationship with an ADHD partner could very well be the experience of a lifetime.  And if I am fortunate, it will be a lifetime experience. 

    -he is never going through the motions, but living every moment to the fullest.  Isn't that the way it should be?

    -he knows how to live out loud

    I can go on and on.  It's only been a year, but it just keeps getting better.  Every relationship has challenges, but so what?  I hope more people can focus on the positives.  Be confident and secure in yourself.  Arm yourself with knowledge.  Know that this is his/her "normal" and that it's perfectly ok.  Better than ok.  

    I think we compliment each other and increase the quality of life.  And he stopped hyper focusing on me six months ago.  But my memory is good and I know his feelings have not changed.  Now and then I will check in and ask, but in my heart I know.  And that is everything that I need.  I am pretty far from perfect myself, but that doesn't seem to bother him too much. 

  • Dads with ADHD and their children by: PoisonIvy 11 years 10 months ago

    I believe that ADHD can be exacerbated by specific events and general life stages.  I used to think that it was a coincidence that my husband's problems seemed to get worse when my daughters became preteens and that his problems have continued to be worse as they have grown into young adulthood.  Now I'm starting to think that this is one of those life stages that, by challenging his parenting abilities, has worsened his ADHD and related conditions.  It seems that my husband is not very aware of appropriate behavior for the parent of a young adult and so the stress of figuring out what is appropriate might be making his ADHD harder to deal with.  

    Here is an example (which might have nothing to do with ADHD):  My husband likes a TV show that features 20-something young women.  They are shown having sex.  My husband introduced this show to my daughters, ages 19 and 21.  He really wanted me to watch it.  He put it on and there we all were, watching a show in which women the age of my daughters were having sex; my daughters know this is their father's favorite show.  I felt creeped out.  Good show, yes; watching it with my husband AND daughters made me feel yucky.  

    Any thoughts?

  • Gift-giving holidays are a nightmare by: bespoken 11 years 10 months ago

    I'm an ADHD husband and I'm slightly uncomfortable posting here b/c so many of you have so much frustration with your ADHD husbands. Please understand from the outset that I acknowledge my ADHD and struggle with it every day. I work with my wife to limit the damage as much as I can (giving up my computer games for several months, password protecting the TV set) and try to create habits that are helpful (dishes / counters / laundry).  I am ADHD-PI -- primarily inattentive. In fact, I think I have a completely different form of ADHD called "sluggish cognitive tempo" which is just beginning to be studied as a separate disorder. But the symptoms may sound family to many of you: difficulty with motivation, constantly changing interests, spotty adherence to household chores, severe trouble maintaining employment, neglecting important household projects, addictive behavior to stimulating activities like computer games. 

    My wife runs a business out of her home and I only work a few hours a week. She has been incredibly supportive with me and it was her idea for me to apply for disability. I'm very grateful for the patience and love she has shown me; I honestly don't know how she does it. We love each other, and have been through some really terrible times -- almost always my fault -- and we are still learning to work together. 

    Now to my point: 

    Christmas, like any gift-giving holiday with my wife, has turned into another disaster. She loves giving gifts, and she spends days and weeks looking for just the right thing for everyone on her wish list. I, on the other hand, am terrible about giving gifts. There are a whole complex of issues with gifts for me, but the ADHD components are:

    • I have trouble keeping my antennae up throughout the year to catch "the right gift" when it comes up. 
    • I have a lot of trouble putting the energy into LOOKING for gifts if I haven't already found one. Going to the mall and looking for presents is torturous for me and even getting in my car to get there is some sort of Triumph of the Will. Even shopping online sometimes keeps slipping to the bottom of my long and yellowed to-do list. 
    • Once I do get to a store, my brain kind of shuts off and I get gifts that aren't "good gifts." I know "it's the thought that counts" but it is discouraging to have to return jewelry -- as I once did. We tried to have fun doing it and we picked out something she liked together, but it really made me anxious about buying jewelry for her (definitely not looking for jewelry advice by the way). Even before that experience, I'm always second-guessing myself about gifts and I get very anxious. 
    • Because of my ADD, I don't work very much and have very limited income. 
    • Since I can't spend money on extravagance, I spend a lot of time thinking about things I could do FOR her, which for a normal person would be incredibly sweet and awesome, but for me just turns into a reason to procrastinate; I almost never do any of the wonderful things I've planned. 

    My wife and I have been through this mill for five years; almost every birthday, anniversary, valentine's day and Christmas. I totally understand why she feels the way she does. The gift-giving and effort is extremely unbalanced. I've offered to just not give gifts, but that's not satisfactory for her. She likes to give gifts and the exchanging of gifts is so very important to her. She said she wants to create memories. Unfortunately for us both, the memories are mostly of tears and raised voices.

    We're at an impasse now. We've had our annual Christmas fight. I listened to her feelings, validated what I was hearing, and told her it was completely understandable to feel the way she did. Then she started talking about my inability as a choice and I yelled at her that she didn't understand and stormed off leaving her as I found her -- crying on the couch. I feel like turds but I don't really know how to cope when a really life-crippling failure being prodded like that by someone I love. 

    It seems to me that what needs to happen is:

    • I get better about presents and planning.
    • She gets better at understanding my problem and not taking it personally as a sign that she isn't loved. 
    • We get better at talking about the issue without it dragging into a long-running, regularly scheduled relationship killer. 

    I feel like point 1 (my getting better) is the one I should have the most control over, but after a lifetime of exactly the same problem, I'm not holding out much hope. 

    Your feedback and experiences are welcome -- even if you're pissed as hell about your husband for the same thing. It would be nice to know we're not the only ones. 

  • Procrastination? by: Ratty 11 years 10 months ago

    I just read the book and am shocked at how well it describes my marriage. I have been with my husband for 30 years; married for 21. And it's always been the same. He has never been officially diagnosed with ADHD, but he will admit that he probably has it. He's not overly assertive about trying to get help. The whole courtship thing doesn't really apply to  us, but the parent-child relationship part hits it on the head. I often feel alone (like I am living with a roommate) and I'm in charge of everything. My husband is very good at making sure that he addresses things on his own to-do list, but as far as things that are related to general home needs, he can't focus. He often makes his own plans for the day without any regard to things that I may have planned or need to have done. One thing he does, that drives me crazy (and I haven't seen anyone else mention) is procrastinate. If we are trying to get ready to leave the house to go somewhere, at the very last minute (as we're all piling into the car) he will decide it's time to mop the kitchen floor, rake up leaves or vacuum the car. All of a sudden, he gets very task-oriented. This happens a lot! Is this a symptom of ADHD? Does anyone else experience this? Would love feedback. Thanks.

  • Peace for a day by: jennalemon 11 years 11 months ago

    Christmas Day. I realize any plans and schedules I have made may need to be re-arranged. I won't be angry today.  Whatever happens, happens.  Nothing is a necessity other than being welcoming and attentive to others today.

  • Pregnant newlywed needs hope!!!! I have a cheating ADHD husband. by: nonadhdfiance 11 years 11 months ago
    First off, I truly want our marriage to work! We have been together for almost a decade and married for half a year. I'm pregnant with our first child. Just found out he had been calling and texting Craigslist-type sex ads. This isn't the first time (2nd) and there have been other trust issues as well. I don't know if it ever progressed to more than phone calls and text. He is undiagnosed but now has an appt to be tested. We are going back to couples therapy. I really need hope from other couples who have survived from infidelity. The worst part is I am going through so much stress and can barely eat and I'm afraid its hurting our unborn son. PLEASE PLEASE give me hope!!! My husband and I are best friends and we have made so much progress on the parent/child household chores issue which was a big problem before. I know we have our issues but we also have so many amazing things about our relationship and now we are starting our family. Please let me know how you made it through so it can help me keep faith that we can too.
  • Help dealing with cleaning and garbage by: beren6 11 years 11 months ago

    Hello All:

    Unlike what seems to be the majority, I'm a male non-ADD spouse of a female ADD person.

    We've got a great marriage in every other respect, and she is on meds, etc. Generally the meds and treatment seem to be enough to keep her functional in her job and as a mom, but there's one thing that's still driving me to distraction and I find myself becoming increasingly resentful. I should say that in every other way she's a wonderful, loving, caring person, and the last thing I want to do is anything that would put our relationship in jeopardy.

    The issue is that of cleanliness. The basic issue is that she's basically incapable of picking up after herself, including garbage. We have a nice if small house, and I work very hard to pay our mortgage. Aware of the ADD issue, I try to do as much of the cleaning as I can, but my job has me working sometimes 50-60 hours a week, so weeks can go by when I'm not able to do very much. During those weeks, the house becomes, quite literally, a garbage dump: food wrappers, spilled food, junk mail, toys, etc., scrap paper of every kind, etc. litter the living and dining room to the point that the clutter and trash literally cover the entire floor, ankle deep. She insists every day that she's about to clean it up, but that insistence goes on every day for literally months. She tends also to become very resentful when I do clean, as though my act of cleaning is also a moral judgment about her (I really just want to pick up the trash!) By the time I get to it, it often takes me several days to dig out (sometimes literally with a shovel), but often 48 hours later you can't tell I did anything, which I have a hard time not taking as a complete slap in the face. She's not a "hoarder" in the sense of not being able to get rid of things--it's just that she seems to literally forget about anything the second it leaves her attention: if she gets a takeout sandwich, for instance, the minute she's done eating the wrappings and leavings just leave her consciousness and fall to the floor.  She's even well aware of flylady and other resources--but essentially just spends hours reading those resources online and talking about how she's going to implement them--but then never actually doing anything. She seems to be able to tune out the mess to a great degree, sitting in the middle of it, television on, wrapped up in her laptop.

    Right now, I'm reduced to essentially living in one room of the house I'm paying for--my study--which is the only room over which I have enough control to keep tidy. I literally feel imprisoned within this one room of my home. I know the mess is bad for all of us, and its teaching our daughter terrible habits. But fifteen years worth of treatment, meds, every kind of positive cajoling I can think of, and biting my tongue every time I enter a room, hasn't helped and everything's worse than ever on that front.

    I'm getting to the point of wondering if I'm going to have to decide to live like this my whole life, or if the only option left to me, as good as the rest of our relationship is, is to offer an extreme ultimatum (the mess goes or I do).

    One idea I've had has been to hire some kind of professional organizer to at least dig us out--but I'm concerned about the expense, and also concerned that no professional organizer would want to take on our embarrassing mess.

    Has anyone else dealt successfully with this? Any ideas? I'm losing my mind!

    Thanks in advance for any insight you might have.

  • How do I get him accept that he might have ADHD? by: Justwannabeme 11 years 11 months ago

    Post removed

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