I left my ADD husband in August. He has refused to answer emails or pick up phone calls since. Does anyone have an answer for this specific problem?

I recently got certified as a paralegal. When I registered for the test, I was still living with him so the Bar Association sent the certificate to the house I shared with him. He called me 2 weeks ago to say my certificate had come. (Of course, I have mail forwarding. I have no idea why the post office screwed that up.) I asked him to send it to me and he said he would. He hasn't. I've asked the Bar Association to send me another. They can't. I live 90 miles away and have physical problems that make driving hard. But he won't answer emails or phone calls begging for my certificate and he won't send it. I didn't think deliberate meanness was usually part of ADD! Does anyone have any idea how to get him to do this ONE THING for me, when I supported him for half the time we were married.

With my ADHD husband, there is a reason for everything.  Every inaction or thoughtless action is well defended or responsibility deftly deflected with a series of reasons, explanations, or "facts", presenting him in the most favorable and well meaning way possible.  He is very intelligent, and I think he is subconsciously extraordinarily manipulative in avoiding unpleasant or unrewarding tasks and would rather argue with me for hours making both of us miserable than face those tasks.

My husband stays home, and I work.  There are certain chores that are hard for me to do because of my own condition, and he has agreed to do those chores and take more responsibility around the house to make it easier on me.  He doesn't.  I do more than my share around the house.   He sometimes cleans up, but most of the time, the house stays messy and I go without clean dishes or clean laundry until I get overwhelmed or desperate and do it myself (resenting him for having to do it while he plays computer games).

He feels bad about it.  He doesn't want to see me on my feet washing dishes after a long day at work, in pain, missing even more precious time with my son.  Yet, doing it then rarely seems to be an acceptable option for him.  

Instead he will put an enormous amount of effort into defending why he cant do the dishes right now, why he hasn't done them the past few days (or week), and why I should stop doing the dishes and let him do them later.  He will also spend a lot of effort trying to justify doing only some of a task, reasoning that finishing the task (at least to my standards) is unnecessary and inconsequential.  I wish he would put half as much effort into gathering himself up to do what needs to be done as he spends trying to convince me that he is justified in not doing it or not having done it already.  

What really sucks, is that I am stuck between a rock and a hard place in that I cant do it myself without significant pain or discomfort, and if I do I am enabling him; I cant count on him to do it, and if I value my sanity, I cant leave it undone.  Is there another option?  My husband doesn't seem to mind living in a dirty house, he doesn't notice the mess, he just operates around it.  I do notice, and it causes me considerable anxiety.  So, I am the one suffering the consequences.  The only consequence to him is that I get upset.

There is always something.  Something completely out of his control has hindered him from doing the chores.  If it is not something else he had to do that interfered, then he wasn't feeling well or forgot to take his medication, which contributes to him not feeling well.  My husband has admitted that he has a deep-seeded belief that he should not have to do chores when he doesn't feel well.  He claims to not feel well often, and I mean a few days a week, if not every day.  He has admitted on numerous occasions to having trumped up and exaggerated illnesses or discomfort or fatigue in order to create a justifiable excuse for not doing chores.  He plays it up big time.  He will carry on a ruse for days in hopes of convincing me that his pain is greater than or comparable to mine.   He admits this.  He will promise that he will do the housework as soon as he is feeling better, but then there is another reason that comes up.   It makes it very difficult for me to feel sorry for him or express appropriate sympathy when he is behaving ill and almost impossible to distinguish when he is really ill.  I know what it means to not feel well, I am no stranger to pain and fatigue, but I cant just blow off work and watch tv all day a few days a week.  Again, I seem to be the only one with any real consequences here.  

I don't agree that he "cant" keep up with the house, because I believe that he can. I believe that he just doesn't know how, or he thinks that there must be an easier way that he hasn't figured out yet, so he is going to wait until he figures out how to make it easier before he puts a lot of effort into doing it now when it is so hard.  How he is going to figure out how to make it easier is also a very abstract concept that I think he is waiting around for an epiphany on.  I think he is deluding himself, that it will always be hard and he needs to start sucking it up and making the effort now instead of putting it off and perpetuating the conflict.  He thinks that I don't care about how hard it is for him.  That isn't true.   I do care.  I understand that ADHD is a mitigating factor in how difficult it is for him to do household tasks.  Where we seem to differ is that I do not think it is a reason or explanation for not doing them, just that he has to work that much harder to get it done.

He has an answer for everything.  How do I address it without it turning into a 2 hour argument every time?  If I refuse to talk to him when I am obviously upset or disappointed, he pushes me for a response or reaction to the point of insanity.  He has some impressive manipulative defense mechanisms that I feel powerless against.  

I have a decision to make here and have no real good info to help support me going one way or another on it - so I thought I'd pose the question here and maybe I can get some good insight from others to help me figure this out.

I have been trying unsuccessfully to get my husband to quit smoking pot for about 9 years now.  I push the issue, he says he will, he tries to and maybe stops for about a month at the most, then goes right back to it every time.  He has back problems and says he needs the pot to relieve his pain, and that's why he can't stop.  He says he doesn't want to smoke, but we have no health insurance and  he's getting no treatment for his back issues, so no hope right now for that to get better. 

I have been trying to get him to begin some sort of treatment for his ADHD (he's been officially diagnosed since 04) for eight years.  He shows significant problems in day to day life with time management, memory, ability to deal with responsibilities, low frustration tolerance, and impulsivity.  Hence, my desire to get him treatment and help.... and thus getting my relationship and his relationship with his 4 year old help as a result (as is, all is connected).  When we decided to try treatment, the first condition to that was that he needed to stop smoking, which seemed to me necessary because you can't effectively monitor improvements in memory, following through, time management, etc when you are smoking pot daily.  Since he has not quit, we have not been able to begin any treatment. 

After 9 years of failing to get him to stop, I'm beginning to resign myself that he may never do so, or at least no time soon.  I can't force him to, he needs to want to, so it's out of my control. 

So, here's my question.  Is it worth it to try medication for the ADHD symptoms despite the fact that he is smoking - or is it not worth it because the effects of smoking will just counteract the treatment?  Does anyone have any insight to this?  Honestly, any improvements will be welcome as our family suffers regularly from the effects of adhd.

As a final note. I have tried a few alternate treatments (ie, offering fish oil daily, changing our diets, etc, but those have not provided any significant differences).  

Thank you for your time and insight, I very much appreciate it.