Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Baby, Marriage and ADHD by: trying_my_best 11 years 11 months ago

    I have a very ADHD spouse of 13 years who was diagnosed 5 years ago and is extremely successful despite a lifetime of family and social discouragement. He is a funny, smart (gifted), supportive, driven, creative, and a reflective person. He is an ENTP and I am an INFJ and by and large we complement each other and have similar values. Since his diagnoses and sessions with his therapist he has taken a lot better control of his life and has created clearer rules about how people can treat him, to the extent that if we get into a full blown argument he makes it clear that I can leave anytime. These threats cut deep and usually result in me spiraling into a crying fit which he doesn't understand and makes it impossible for me to communicate - I just seal up and we never finish the "conversation." We typically argue over his participation in the home, family, and my childish behaviour... but have never resolved anything.

    Convenience and "what he wants" is everything to him as he does not tolerate inconvenience and can rarely accommodate my wants and needs. And I don't think he appreciates my struggle to meet his expectations.

    Now to complicate things we recently had a baby (3 months ago) and I feel every time that I ask him to watch the baby for a few minutes so I can do chores (of which I do ALL) it's an inconvenience, he always has either a headache, work to do, or both. Then when I don't get these things done, he tells me that "I have to figure out a way to get stuff done." - which includes a hot supper for him when he gets home. I use to think he was just trying to make me a better, stronger person... now he's just pissing me off, and this is coming through in my attitude to him.

    Last night we had another blow up fight b/c I left the house for an hour to get my hair cut. I left a bottle of milk in the fridge, feed, and changed the baby before I left. When I got home I was criticized b/c baby was fussy, he had a headache, and he was unable to eat even though food was prepared for him. I had ruined his whole night. I got mad in return and suggested that he had to learn to cope better with a fussing baby (in other words "man up"), which he responded with - "The past year living with you has sucked. I'm moving out!"

    Now I know these are just angry words and he's not going anywhere, but it hurts and I feel myself detaching from him... I've called his therapist to get a marriage counsellor recommendation, but I'm sad that it's looking like he thinks our relationship is disposable and that our baby is going to be raised in a broken home.

    I don't know what to do or say to him between now and the time we get into therapy, if we even do go.

  • 3 Years, Married for Six Months, and Crumbling by: strengthnstrive 11 years 11 months ago
    I am a 27 year old, college educated and my spouse is 31 and the same for him. He has ADHD. This is not the first time that I have been to this site. I visited before while we were in pre-marital counseling and our therapist tried to help me understand our issues stemed from having an ADHD related relationship. I learned well before that my DH could not handle too much at once, so I methodically gave him minor things to do, i.e.: the wedding planning. Passed with flying colors and I often gave him praises for his achievements. He had at least four jobs since I have known him while I am still working on promotion number two since. It is not to say that I have thrown this up but I say because he was suspended from job one, demoted from job two, fired from job three, and then questioned about his integrity on job four... I asked at job number two if he had troubles keeping employment only because we were about to spend our lives together. And mind you, I ALWAYS kept him encouraged and NEVER put him down, but I needed to be sure that he was capable of supporting for his family. Then I looked at other relationships he has with family and his close friends. They are difficult and I try to remind him that God (i am a Christian) wants us to love one another and expect no more than what a person can give. In the beginning we had the most adventureous times and I felt like I could talk to him about anything. I could tell him my day was pure hell and he always came to my rescue. He prayed with me when I had an anxiety attack and always consoled me during my roughest times. And I did the same for him for he could always talk to me about anything and who were we to judge anyone?? I guess that was the "hyper-focus????" We have only been married for six months and now I have asked him to move. He was moving anyway as he told me there is a home we looked at and even though the lease is not up for another five months he wants to go now. When we got married, he gave up his apartment which was a transition for the both of us. We were new to the cohabiting part and yes that is a normal challenge. However, we have since argued over money, church, reading the bible together, communicating, affection, intimacy, housework, and now WHEN THE PROPER TIME IS TO PURCHASE A HOME. Of course I have nagged and yelled and repeatedly told him I was so frustrates because he tells me one moment he is going to do something and doesnt do it. Then when I kindly remind him, he thinks I am treating him like a child. Well, it seems that way because he cannot function like that of someone who does not have ADHD. Things that seem so apparent and practical to me are not in that order for him and I get that. So it definitely takes some work on both parts and I feel like I have done everything I can. And yes for six months of marriage, but in three years of living separately. Now we are at the point of separating, divorce, "blame it all on me", whatever he wants to call it. We saw a home and now he wants it. The apartment we currently live in has my name on the lease which means that it will alter my credit score negatively if we just up and move. That means there would be fees associated with terminating the lease early. He is not considering the costs and he thinks that because we make just about the same (him1k more), that I should be able to cope with that. That statement completely undermined what I have already said about paying my student loans since I did go to grad school. He had a ROTC scholarship, he did not have to. So he also tells me that he is going to proceed with getting the house with or without me which leads me to believe that he is that unhappy and/or selfish. I pick selfish because that is all he has displayed ever since we got married. We were two very self-sufficient people prior to getting married so it is not like I would ask or expect much based on how I was raised. Now we have to work together, but dear God he just doesnt get it. *sigh After all the arguments and discontentment for each other for the last six months, I just told him to go. Now he is packing and I returned to this site once again. I am sure he will try to do something to gain attention, but I really am fed up. I went to the doctor and was told that my health issues were heavily correlated with the amount of stress. Once she asked me if I had anything going on in my life that was stressed related, I could not hold my tears. I cried, "my marriage." So although it hurts me greatly because I know there is a deficiency here in our marriage, but I had to make a choice. Ruin me or let him go on. I wouldn't dare later move in that home because it was not one we would have purchased together. Here I am at the fork in the road, do I still try knowing I will get the same results or just let him go? I am not afraid of being alone. I am able to cope with that as I did not have an active father in my life. A big part of me does not want to give up so easily, but it would cost me grief. The other says the hell with it at least I will have some peace. I really love him and certainly got married for the long hall, but it may cost me my sanity.
  • I still dont know if im doing it right by: iwishitweredifferent 11 years 11 months ago

    I've been going out with my boyfriend for 8 months, we're turning 9 in a couple of weeks. At the start of our relationship he was different in a bad way, he used to flirt with other women in front of me, call them love, or say something like "this is my girlfriend", talking about the other girl. I was new to it, so i just smiled and pretend i was okay with it. He always did the same stuff, over and over again, even though i told him it hurt me. With time he did change, he never did it again, he still says some girls are beautiful and he would like to have sex with them, i get kind of jealous and uncomfortable, when i tell him to stop he laughs it off and says its a joke. He is jealous, as soon as i talk with a friend who happens to be a boy he starts attacking me, but after a minute he goes back to normal. I have to admit i have problems too. I react and sometimes overreact without thinking at all. Is just that how he acts with other girls, in front of me, as if he didnt respect me at all, well it takes the worse out of me, we fight and i guess im used to it, so sometimes i react way before he starts acting that way. I don't know if its kind of a defensive move, but every time we go out i try to be serious and at any small sign that he is going to start doing it I just explode. Again he havent flirt with any girl anymore, but still i keep reacting this way without him giving me motives, im always in a defensive position. Then he gets angry, and I know its my fault, that I am overreacting. The first times he kept angry at me, but lately he hugs and kisses me, and tells me how much he loves me, and that even though I treat him that way most of the times, he doesn't care because he only wants to be with me. Im so grateful with him for changing who he was. But again, i know its always my fault, sometimes i just want to end the relationship, for him, to do him better, im breakable. I have a low self esteem, and he doesnt take it serious, he is perfect, seriously perfect, and every time i just ruin it, i feel like i dont deserve anything at all. I'm waiting for the moment that he'll get tired and just break with me. We just fought. I was kind of agressive. Hit him on the hand, and he only made a joke about how i needed to wax. I blame my agressive attitude on only having two brothers and growing up with them. Still, he got angry and im proud so i couldnt say sorry. Saying sorry it really hard for me, anyway he was driving, taking me home, and after 15 minutes, i took hold of him hand and told him I was sorry, that I didn't thought before reacting, he pulled his hand away, looked away and didnt said a thing. I know he is tired of me. He has said it before, he has told me how he would rather go out by himself than with me, how i always have to find reasons to fight, how i always ruin things... in other words i just dont work as a partner for him or anyone. I, again, know that this has to do with my self esteem, Im to reserved, never tell him what is going on with me, just because i dont communicate easily, my friends tell me i should now that we are 8 months and that maybe i dont trust him, truth is I trust him more than anyone but i feel short when i want to tell him my problems, he's been through more than me, i've just been through emotional abuse, and i guess im to old to change. I love him but i think it would be best for us to break it off, he has given me everything, been everything to me... and im not worth it, seriously I'm not. So what should I do? talk to him and tell him all of this? Im too coward. Should I just tell him we should stop seeing each other, with no reason at all?? He changed for me and i can't do the same, this is me, im broken inside and i dont think anyone will be able to deal with me, im too hard to deal with. He also have problems but i think he wont tell me the same way i dont tell him, i just discovered he cut himself close to the shoulder... i didnt reacted in a good way, i just told him i didnt like him doing it, and it was weird, that i had never seen someone do that, he said he did it out of boredom, anyway... i just love him too much but i dont think we are meant to be together, even though most of the times we are so happy, really happy, i've never loved anyone like i do him... what should I do?

  • Suspect you might be with a pathological? by: lynnie70 11 years 12 months ago

    Wow, for those of you who have just a little nagging feeling that your manipulative, conning, lying DH isn't just manifesting symptoms of ADHD, I found a great site you might want to explore: http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/

    Here's a little snippet from it:

    Your emotional and physical ‘Independence Day’ is the beginning of recovery.  It’s the day that you ‘come to’ and say:

    * How did I get here?
    * Is this REALLY my life?
    * Where did the real me go?
    * Look how much this has cost me to be with him
    * Look what it’s done to my friends/family/children
    * You know what? I’m not CRAZY!
    * I don’t believe his lies any more
    * I’m sick of feeling this way
    * I am tired of hearing about how everything is my fault
    * I am sickened by my own staying

     

  • Do You Know Anyone Whose ADHD improved with Gluten-free diet? What about Cogmed brain training (sp?)? by: ADHDMomof2 11 years 12 months ago

    Hi all,

    Been a while since I've posted much.  Added "Stay Focusd" (actual spelling) to Google Chrome in order to limit my time on the computer.

     

    I recently read a great article in ADDitude magazine about gluten sensitivity (which is NOT the same as Celiac or a wheat allergy).  It mentioned some physical symptoms (allergies, eczema, sensitive skin) as signs of a likely food sensitivity. I love wheat, so I figured it had to be THAT, so like a good impulsive ADHDer, I quit cold turkey 3 weeks ago.  I don't know that it's helped my ADHD so far.  I have read elsewhere that gluten can cause inflammation/inflammatory responses, which I thought (inexpertly, albeit) would explain some of the weird issues/sensitivities I've had, which I won't bother to explain, only because I feel they expose my identity a little more, they are so weird.  So on a hunch, 5 years after developing a nickel allergy which made it impossible to wear my wedding/engagement rings without eczema so bad it woke me up at night (will spare you gross details), I put it back on two days ago.  No reaction.  None.  I keep waiting for it, but so far, nothing.  Maybe gluten was a catalyst to me developing more allergies?  I used to put on my ring and feel it immediately "attacking" my skin.        Still waiting for cognitive benefits, though.  Sigh.  

     

    Also, keep hearing about brain training/Cogmed but would love to hear from someone who actually used it.  I don't want to jump on the bandwagon just because...  I would like a little anecdotal evidence first.

    I can't help but think that I'm missing something here with my ADHD.  I take meds 3 times a day, take fish oil, have a therapist who understands ADHD, am great at creating new strategies.   I keep hearing, reading about pre-diagnosis vs. post-diagnosis success.  I don't understand what the pros are talking about.  I don't feel like that person who still has ADHD, but doesn't feel like it rules their life.  It rules mine.  I have been on meds for 11 years.  I am not yet where I want to be.  I am not as lost as I was before, but I am not leading the life I want.  I am a hard worker; always have been, so that is not an issue.  This is not simply my perception; I have been told that my entire life.  I also have learned how to harness my creativity to solve problems. I simply am overwhelmed everyday and have felt like this basically since I can remember.  I feel like every day, I am barely treading water.  One big issue for me is anxiety and the other is consistency, and when I'm not consistent, my anxiety increases, which makes it harder for me to concentrate, and well, you can see the cycle that causes.  I'm hard on myself when I don't experience the kind of success I want; not the greatest thing for someone who struggles to begin with.  My husband understands my ADHD to a point, but thinks that if I just "tried harder," I could be more consistent.  ARE YOU F------ SERIOUS???? I bust my ass daily; I just cannot produce the results he can.  I work more slowly, unless there is a dopamine surge due to SUPER anxiety or a novel situation, which is incomprehensible to my husband, especially because he doesn't understand that is part of the ADHD issue (hyperfocus and novelty).  I think the other part of this is that for the first time ever, as a working mom, my kids' lives are getting more complex and taxing my executive functions more than ever.  Sports, homework for my older child, who has ADHD, laundry on the rise, lunches, correcting (I'm a teacher), planning, actually planning a weekly schedule.  Friends?  Forget it! Don't have time for them anymore.  Just dropped the first committee I ever joined, which was actually fulfilling, thus making me feel like even more of a failure...

    My husband is more helpful than 99% of husbands out there, even though this is year 3 of a marriage crisis, so that isn't the problem, either.  I'm starting to get the feeling that he loves me again, or perhaps he's realized that he still does beneath all his resentment (forgiveness being a weak spot in general, and not just with me), that he's realizing what he will lose.  But he's frustrated with me, and I'm frustrated with myself.  

    Help!  What am I MISSING?  Why is this process taking so long to get my freakin' ADHD under control??

    Thanks for any suggestions,

     

    ADHDMomof2

  • ADD, Anger and Memory Lost by: NonADDSpouse 11 years 12 months ago

    I am the Non Add Spouse and I'm looking for some answers regarding memory lost when the ADD person is very angry. My partner gets extremely angry very quickly and is rude, condescending and mean some times. He knows (a few days later) that he crossed the line, but he cannot remember what happened. Is this a normal/predictable ADD effect? I have not found any info on this topic and wondering if any of you have experienced something similar. So think of your spouse being so rude to you, so angry, so mean... but he cannot remember what he did or said to you. This is pretty scary to me.

  • Thanksgiving by: newfdogswife 11 years 12 months ago

    Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • shut down by: flowerchild 12 years 1 day ago

    I have been researching for over a year now the "  why " that is behind my shutting down towards my husband and marriage  .  Taking the shame and blame for over 35 years, of course , I still thought the problem was with me. Then a copy of Melissa's book came my way , and , BAM !  I'm sure you have all heard this thousands of times , but , it described my life and feelings to the letter . Imagine my relief ! I wanted to scream it from the roof tops ! I'm not crazy !! There is actually  a reason behind all of our heartache !!! It was as if this huge dark , abnormal , life-threatening , mind-grinding , bone -crushing , life - sucking mystery had been solved .

    The first thing I did was to have my 17 year old son evaluated ( I had known he was struggling with something ...ADD never entered my mind ).  He is now on meds and they have made a difference in his academics and other areas in his life .

    The next thing I did was to ask my 25 year old son to get evaluated . He did . He is in the process of going on meds. He has struggled with OCD for years and we are hopeful this may help him in that area.

    I approached my husband carefully and asked him to read the book , which he did . He agreed to get evaluated , and he has . He was not happy with some comments that were made to him by the doctor and now he wants a second opinion . He is scheduled for more testing in the middle of December .  I've always known something was very off and very strange ...we've gone through counseling for devastating things that have happened in our marriage . I've been to Al-ANON meetings thinking that was the problem .  I've watched people adore this charming fun-loving  guy for years , all the while I was dying inside and shutting down emotionally .

    My problem is that I am so shut down that I can't even talk to  him . I don't even want to be in the same room with him . I am so numbed to him that the idea of working together is incredibly overwhelming to me. He still thinks that I am trying to blame him for everything and find fault with him , so I don't even bring ADHD up anymore . Believe me when I say that I showed restraint when I did bring it up in the beginning . I am aware of all of his efforts to make our marriage better and that he has been trying so hard for so many years .  He is so discouraged .  We are both so sad and frustrated !

    How do you talk to someone that you've been trying to protect yourself from for so many years ? How do you let yourself be vulnerable enough to risk ? How do open yourself up again ? I am so afraid that I'm way past being able to - even if I wanted to.  We are looking at a future that may include separating , which neither of us really want at this point in our lives . But the high cost of living with him -to myself - is more than I can bear .

    Thank you for any insight and suggestions .

  • Need advice with ADHD husband. At wits end by: tygrasnowscar 12 years 2 days ago

    I’ve been married to my husband nearly 6 years.  He has ADHD and I’m really at my wit’s end.  We have 2 children but it feels like I’m raising 3 children.  The worst part is, my eldest has ADHD as well.

    I can’t stand it anymore.  He keeps threatening to leave whenever we have an argument.  He really believes it’s over and constantly gives me that “talk”.  Which is his talk about him leaving.  I tell him he’s free to go but he never leaves. 

    He keeps getting in trouble with finances and keeps lying about it.  Often blaming me, saying he doesn’t tell me because I get like this.  Of course, who wouldn’t get all pissed off when some collections person is calling and he adamantly insists that he doesn’t owe anything?

    We’ve been through marriage counseling and the screwed up thing is, I came out looking like the bad person.  The marriage counselor says he’s trying and I should see that.  How am I suppose to him trying when he's a lazy irresponsible jerk who I can't count on???

    Every job he’s been into has ended up in disaster.  He leaves because he ends up fighting with his supervisor.  The last one he shoved his supervisor against the wall because he lost it.

    Now he doesn’t have a job.  And we have bills to pay.  I got so deep in debt because he asked me to get a loan from my office to pay off the credit card bills.  My office loan doesn’t charge interest.  But then I find out he racked a huge amount of debt again.  I’m just so furious right now.

    Without a job, all these collections are calling again.  And since I did an office loan, I’m in a situation where a chunk of my salary is getting deducted.

    I don’t know how to get through this.  He keeps twisting things around, saying it’s my fault, even accusing me of being a hypocrite if I can say I’ve never lied or done any screw ups in my life.

    He’s also accusing me of meeting other guys.  Like I can even do that when I am so busy working and taking care of the kids myself.

    I’ve already drafted a separation letter but how it’s also so hard to leave when I know that he can’t help himself with his behavior. 

    I’m really so tired of this.  I wish I knew what to do.

  • Help? by: lynninny 12 years 2 days ago

    So, I won't go into great detail, but my situation is that I just met with an attorney to file for a separation from my ADHD spouse of 12 years (who also has a host of other mental health issues and has been verbally and emotionally abusive for years). We have two elementary school aged children and all still live under the same roof. Here is my issue. He is very, very angry with me (even though I warned him and gave him ample opportunity to seek counseling and get help) and is acting like a complete jerk. He is doing some of it in front of our children and does not seem to care that they are hearing it. He is playing the victim like crazy, accusing me of keeping him around and using all of his money until he got very sick, then throwing him out of the house when he is too sick to take care of himself. (The reality is that I have always made almost as much money as him, that I have been asking him to seek counseling for five years, and that the only reason I have remained married to him for the last year is because I have been so worried about his care-- he is on disability. He may have bipolar disorder and narcissistic personality disorder in addition to ADHD). 

    I don't know why I expected him to behave in a reasonable manner or in a way that is best for our kids when he hasn't really done so over the years. Why am I surprised? And how can I get through this until he finally gets out of our house? I am stuck with him here in our house with us until I can get the paperwork together and him to move out. Being angry with me, I guess, is understandable, but the way that he is expressing it in front of our children, and trying to make me nuts, is not ok. This morning, he was in the next room and yelled loudly, "You are making me move out and leave our children!" We have not told our children yet and I  know that he is using this as a weapon to lash out at me. I mentioned that our children were in the next room and he yelled, "I don't CARE!" They looked at me with big eyes, and I thought, here we go. Scorched earth is in effect. And no, we have no family or friends anywhere nearby who can or will take him in and help--I asked his brother and he just can't, or won't. 

    He has had violent tendencies in the past (smashing phones, etc.) and my attorney assures me that I have enough info to get a restraining order. I could have him forcibly removed and make it very difficult for him to see our children. I am trying to do what is best for my children and really don't want to put them through any more trauma or heartache than they need. Spouse, of course, thinks he should be able to live here with us, continue the status quo, because he is sick. He is not altogether a bad father--they love him and need him in their lives if at all possible. There is no way in heck I am going to change my mind, but I don't want to have to keep him away from the kids if I don't have to. 

    What is the line between me being patient, just dealing with the fallout, keeping my eyes on the prize, and hanging in there until I can get him out and get some peace; and, me being a doormat who should stop putting up with this crap? I know him. I was hoping to do this separation the easiest way possible. He has threatened to take me to court, and to "bury" me financially trying to get the house and custody of the kids. There is no way he will win, given his history and inability to physically take care of them, but I am sure he would have no qualms fighting any first move I would make. It would be awful, and the kids would suffer, and it would take all my money and health. I want to avoid conflict. Trust me, I am being reasonable, and he will definitely have an easier time of it financially than I will afterward. I will have a house that he trashed trying to renovate it. He started a million things years ago and never finished them. I am living with a gutted kitchen and drywall. I will have a ten year old car and no money and bad health care. He will actually have a decent apartment and visitation with his kids. I don't even care-- I can deal with it. I just want him out. 

    So yeah, if it is just words, and him acting like a jerk, even if our children witness it, should I just try to avoid him and ride it out? Am I being a doormat or the reasonable one? Why can't he stop acting like an angry five year old for even five minutes? Even as I told him today that the kids were hearing him, all he could do was talk about himself and the way this was going to affect him. It is always, always all about him. Ugh. 

    Thanks, anyone, for listening and I do not know what I would do if I could not vent here. 

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