Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • The ADHD Brain in a Relationship by: queenjane1235 11 years 11 months ago

    "I realized that the Greg I am always mad at is not the same person as you. You're two different people in my mind... And I find that kind of disturbing.

     

    It's like I am seeing two things simultaneously: a Jekyll and Hyde kind of thing. On one hand I have this incredible clarity and understanding, but on the other-- anger, mistrust, and fear. I feel both of these at once when I look at you. I don't know why I have these overlapping views, but it's clear something very serious is off. I have developed anger to perfection... I'm so used to it, I can't switch it off. And I am not sure at all what turned it on in the first place. It was never there before.

    Everything is really simple in your mind, isn't it? Like, very straightforward and simple? There's not an endless stream of options, interpretations, analyses or layers, is there? When something is, it is what it is, right? That's how you think. With me, every action, word, sound, smell has a myriad flood of simultaneous interpretations and layers and feelings and ideas associated with it. It this great multifaceted dragon roaring through my mind at the speed of a bullet train, and it's whizzing by so fast you can't see the details... Just big swatches of color, an abstracted version of reality flying by at several hundred miles per hour. So you grab onto the largest, most obvious swatch of color and take a snapshot of it with your mind. You associate that one color with the current reality playing before you: the man, the situation, the words, the actions. That color forms your interpretation of what the plays out. You snagged that anger, that mistrust, that rage because it stood out loudest against the other feelings as multifaceted thought tore its way through your brain. Simplicity, clarity, straightforwardness, peace, interest, appreciation, and admiration all blurred into the background. Anger flashed out in red, blinding you from all other shades of reality. This is what life is like for me. I see so many options all at once that I can only grab on to the one with the strongest emotion tied to it. This is impulsivity... And I've lived with it for so long I don't think I knew there was any difference between how I think and how others think until now. I grew used to it because that's how I always functioned. Ten thousand simultaneous thoughts, and a thousand impulsive and over-the top reactions. Even with positive things I am driven to extremes......................

     

    It's all about that buzz of feeling... What is the newest thing in stores? What is that new thing on TV? As soon as one item grabs my attention, it loses it, and I'm on to the next. I am so overwhelmed with thoughts and choices that I can't hone in on any one of them. I'm both indecisive and impulsive. I'm always putting one toy down and toddling over to the next, finishing most projects but managing to get distracted the whole way through. Conversely, I can become so absorbed and consumed with a hobby, a period of history, a TV show, a novel, that I wear it like a new skin and reinvent myself to emulate it... Until it loses it's shine hours later. The high is gone, and the down hill is boring, so it's off to a new... SQUIRREL! I think I have "functioned" this way for so long that I never considered it might be a totally different way of thinking compared to most people. And being so used to it, I never noticed its negative and damaging aspects to my personality. I never knew any different. There is so much noise in my head it's not funny. I can never relax. NEVER. Even when I'm relaxed there are 20994782 thoughts going through my brain. Constant chatter. No "off" switch. I can count on one hand the times in my life where I was truly relaxed, truly at peace... Running your battery dead every day drains you. The stress builds and it makes you crazy. You reach a boiling point... You lash out and don't have a clue why. Emotions just flood and there is no stopping them. No releasing them. No destructive action to satiate the bloodthirsty,
    roaring tide of unmitigated fury. It rages on until it burns itself out. There's no smothering it. It's like being awake for five days straight-- no sleep makes you crazy. I am wide awake all the time. Always in high gear. I never sleep.

    But my God, the creativity that results from all those layers and simultaneous thoughts... The rich experience of life... The all-encompassing feeling and smell and beauty... Everything has seven thousand dimensions. And everything is seven thousand times as beautiful. That's regulated and managed ADHD in my life. That's my norm. Not the bullet train. Not the simultaneous and unrelenting confusion. I don't know what threw me off track so hard? Maybe it was inevitable as I got older. But in my head... It's a crazy, magical, terrifying, wonderful place..."

  • He Keeps Blaming Me by: gamath 11 years 11 months ago

    So my DH admits that he likely has adult ADHD, but says that meds will suck the life and personality out of him.  Yet, he'll self-medicate with pot...which I believe leads to withdrawal symptoms. Plus, it's illegal and he promised to quit when we started dating 4-5 yrs ago. I'm not comfortable with it....and now he does it behind my back. It's a roller coaster.  We had a big blow out today about his temper/hyper-critical behavior (again); he keeps saying I need to look in the mirror at what I can change....and that I need to stop blaming him for everything. I know I'm not perfect, but I know when someone is talking down or rudely to me....and I won't put up with it. Others have observed his hyper-critical behavior and have told me so. Therefore, I know it's not just me. I've analyzed the crap out of it...maybe I'M the one causing the issues, what can I change about ME, etc. He tells me over and over that "he can't help the way I interpret things" or that "he can't help it if I think he's always out to get me, put me down, etc." It makes me crazy, because I don't think I'm doing anything wrong! I feel I'm interpreting his tone or what he says like any other normal person would!

    We've been through marital counseling (about a year ago - the ADHD was never discussed) and things were great for several months after that. Then a little stress came our way (sold our house/moved into a new house, he started a new position) and we're back to square one. Our life is not THAT stressful, though. We both make decent money, no kids....no major worries overall. He wants to start a family, but we can hardly the minor frustrations of being married.

    I don't know how much of this is the ADHD or how much is just "irreconcilable differences".  I know he can control it to some extent, because I would not have put up with it while we were dating.....but maybe he was using pot more, then and I didn't know. He has had issues with his temper/critical nature all of his life. I've been told that it had a lot to do with the failure of his first marriage....and that he's a lot better than he used to be. However, if I even touch on his past relationship issues, he freaks.

    I love him so much and I know he loves me. While he has this hyper-critical, quick to anger, condescending nature about him, he also has many wonderful qualities: hardworking, funny, generous, sensitive, romantic. When we're not at odds, he treats me like a queen.

    I guess I just need to vent and see if anyone can relate....just looking for some support and/or words of wisdom.

     

  • I want to talk about how I feel by: queenjane1235 11 years 11 months ago

    I really don't have any purpose for this post other than that I just want to talk about how I have been feeling lately, and maybe see if anyone here is like me.

    My dad has raging ADHD and has for as long as I can remember.  His untreated symptoms have always caused problems in my parents' marriage, and they're helping to drive him and my mother apart even further.  He won't accept treatment or counseling, and it doesn't help that instead of finding kinship with him, my mom has become obsessed with attending church.  My younger brother, 20, was diagnosed with ADD a few months back.  I'm 25, and I've always been the overachiever in the family.  I double-majored and graduated with a 3.9 GPA and a binder full of honors and awards.  I'm the organizer in my little family (me and my boyfriend.)  I have never had trouble keeping appointments or deadlines straight and I have an excellent memory.  But my boyfriend and I have been fighting like cats and dogs since day one, and I'm starting to wonder if it isn't because I might have ADHD.  He was diagnosed with ADD as a child, but doesn't show many symptoms other than disorganization, stress, poor memory, and bouts of depression.  I, however, have out of control emotions all over the spectrum.  I get raging furious with him at times, lash out irrationally, and stay that way for HOURS.  On the downhill of those outbursts, I become dismally depressed.  (I was treated for depression and anxiety in college, but before he and I started dating I was able to manage those symptoms.  I'm not very good at it anymore.)  We've been going to a counselor for months now, and it's helped a lot.  But I really feel like everything is my fault, even though my boyfriend is a hotheaded drama queen, too.  He just won't admit it.  Our focus is always on me and my problems-- until we started dating, I had no idea I was this f'ed up.  I feel so screwball that I just want to retreat and hide.  And when I think back, this is exactly what I used to do in high school when close friends started having similar issues with my raging emotions... I just bailed.  But I love him, and I don't want to bail, so there's just this vicious cycle of me going ballistic, him going ballistic, me getting depressed, him getting depressed, us leveling out, then it all starts over again.  I do eeeevvvvvveryyything to treat my issues-- I have been listening to self-help podcasts and reading self-help books for over two years now, and I treat my depression very successfully with herbal remedies.  I just don't know what to do about the complete lack of emotional control I seem to have.  I feel like a worthless, stupid, weak person, like a drain on my boyfriend, and like the focus is on Crazy Brenna and all her drama 24/7.  I feel like I'm in a nuthouse, but I don't feel like I belong there.  It's just I had no idea that so many things were wrong with me... Something new seems to come up every day.

  • How to Break the Pattern and get off the wheel by: sgrego1 11 years 11 months ago

    For ten years I have been stuck like a hamster on a wheel, in the same pattern, over and over again.  How do I break it?

    STEP ONE:  I started with hope and excitement that my marriage could be fulfilling and with the confidence in myself to be the loving wife I want to be. 

    STEP TWO:  After a period of time, onto frustration b/c I was working alone - not only could I not figure out and make him happy, but I got none of my needs met - I had to do everything, I had no partner in life like I dreamed of.

    STEP THREE:  Onto anger towards my husband for the lack of connection.  Seriously how many times do I have to nicely say how I'm feeling only to have you sit there and stare at me with no emotion whatsoever? Or how many times do I have to ask for some physical touch only to have you oblige for one day and think you have done your duty for a lifetime?

    STEP FOUR:  After getting angry, quickly comes the strong guilt for getting upset and not being the bigger person and loving him for who he was.  I should be able to put up with it, get my needs met by God and friends, change my expectations of what marriage is. Plus in the anger stage he almost always points out why it's my fault or what I could/should do differently.  Armed with this new knowledge that if "I'd only do this, or this, or this....he'd be happy and we'd be better" I'd feel some sense of control and then.....

     IT STARTS AGAIN.....Back to step one, hope, back to giving control over to God and having hope.

    The cycle sometimes took months, if I prayed and stayed solidly in the Word.  Sometimes weeks.  But it's the same cycle. 

    Definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results right?  I'm smart and logical, so why do I continue to tell him how I'm feeling, beg for attention, grovel for love. 

    After eight years of it, I decided to set boundaries, to accept him how he was and take care of myself.  As soon as I did the accusations from him about me "changing" grew strong and our relationship grew worse.  Though there was no intention of doing anything other than getting off the hamster wheel, unfortunately it led to an affair.  I hate myself for it, tried to get away often, but it was hard b/c it was so nice to finally have an escape - albeit a horrible one.

    I tried and wanted to tell him right away, but I was warned me against it.  So I fought a long battle to get through it alone.  More alone.  In February of this year I read You, Me, and ADD and was shocked that I was not alone in how I felt - the stories fit me to a tee.  I asked him to see a doctor and get on medication.  It took a lot of fights and threatening, but he ultimately did.  I saw a quick improvement.  We still had the pain of the past to work through and given he wouldn't admit he had ADD, he was just taking a pill b/c I made him - we quickly went back to the hamster wheel.

    I finally came clean a couple months ago about the affair.  He found things that set him off again and even though the physical affair had ended, I still spoke with the person, though less often.  So against others judgment, I told him and fully cut off the other person.  But of course now we are dealing with the pain he is feeling from the affair, and I'm back on the wheel.

    One moment I am sick and remorseful and just want to be a good wife to him - the next I try to express my needs and the "why" behind the affair - when not heard I get angry - and then back to guilt.

    I REALLY want to accept him for who he is, to adjust my expectations about marriage.  But if I'm being logical - ten years of experience shows that I can't.  I can't be/stay happy like this and in turn I make us miserable. I want to be a good example for my girls, but I don't want them to think this is normal or something they should marry into.  But I don't want to leave either - I am being stubborn I guess.  I want the relationship I want and in the face of not being able to have it.....I continue to run on the wheel.

    Any advice from someone who has escaped from their wheel and is onto a more positive future?

     

  • Obliviousness by: PoisonIvy 11 years 11 months ago

    Does this seem par for the course for ADHD?  Yesterday, I put my husband's garbage (fast food wrappers, old receipts) that he had left in the car onto the passenger seat, so that he would be sure to see it when he got in the car when I picked him up from his job.  Well, mission not accomplished, because not only did he not seem to see the wrappers and receipts  but also he sat on them and then left them on the seat when he got out of the car at home.  

    I kind of get "out of sight, out of mind," but "under butt, out of mind"?  

     

  • My life is falling apart. by: acarr 11 years 11 months ago

    I need some help. 5 years ago when I was first married I noticed things about my way of thinking and behavior that was detrimental to being in a healthy relationship so I sought out counseling by myself. I took a test with a psychologist and was told that I had adult ADHD. I thought he was a total moron; I was uneducated about ADD and ADHD I thought there was no possible way I could have ADHD. I graduated with high honors, was on the dean's list in college and am able to finish most (99.9%) of the things I start with no problems. So I argued with him that there was no possible way until they handed me off to a different therapist, which they did. That therapist immediately started treating me for anxiety/depression, which I figured was accurate. I was put on 75MG of Effexor, and stayed on it for about 2 years. There were some side effects but nothing too crazy (lightheaded sometimes, little "brain spasm" type feelings). I came off of it with the help of my therapist because I didn't think it was doing much for me.

    I was alright for about another year, but now, for the last 2 years I feel myself spiraling out of control. My mind races constantly. It's like there are 20 people talking to me at the same time and I cannot focus on a singular train of thought. I have increasingly negative thoughts and have even had suicidal thoughts ("i'm better off dead"). My mind gets stuck on negative, hopeless, and sometimes baseless  thoughts ("my husband doesn't appreciate me" or "I'll never be able to afford to pay my student loans, I'll die in debt and won't be able to send my own children to college", etc) until I cannot function. I have crying spells. I have to re-read entire paragraphs in books because I'll realize my mind was completely somewhere else when I get to the end of it.  I feel like I spend 99% of my time awake trying to deal with my thoughts. I wake up many times  a night.  I wake up exhausted, mind already racing. I have zero self esteem and very little self worth.

    Everything anyone says to me is totally misconstrued in my mind. I cannot hold a conversation without getting emotional. I've grown angry, defensive and irritable. Every day is a struggle to quite the negative thoughts. EVERYONE bothers me. At the end of the day I feel tired and defeated. I have severe highs and lows. Today is a low, but 2 days ago i felt like my life was changed by a freaking TV show I saw.

    I argue with my husband at the drop of a hat, usually because I've become emotional for no reason at all. He barely wants to talk to me anymore. I have (had) a perfectly decent marriage. I love him to death and we are very, very close. He tries to help me all the time but I feel unfortunately this one is out of his hands. This is so deep in my brain I feel powerless to it. It's so bad the talk of divorce has come up, as I'm making both of our lives absolutely miserable. And after an argument, I feel so overrun with guilt for having said things that I really didn't mean. It's like there's the real me, and it's floating around in a place I can't control. To make this more difficult my husband has an aversion to therapists and truly thinks I can just "get over" this if I just tried harder. This is a huge blow to my self esteem, as I feel like I do nothing but try. 

    I obsessively pick my cuticles, so badly I have to wear gloves to minimize it. However I work with my hands so I can't always wear them.

    I'm afraid if something doesn't change soon i'll be in such a dark place I won't be able to get out. I'm hurting everyone around me who loves me and that I love.

    I don't know what to do. I decided today to research ADHD, remembering that first psychologists diagnosis, just to really see and finally give it a chance. It all seemed very, very accurate.

    I might have to see a therapist despite my husbands aversion to them, because I cannot continue to live like this. However, is there anything I can do on my own to affect this?

     

  • Undiagnosed ADHD Spouse...and Type A by: gamath 11 years 11 months ago

    I see myself in so many posts here. I finally feel like I'm not alone....and maybe things are not THAT bad. Still, at the moment, I feel like I'm at the end of my rope; however, I know that it will pass...but not without lasting damage.

    My husband and I have been together for 4 years; married 2 1/2. He is the generous, funny, hard-working, helps around the house, very loving and kind. People love him and say that we are an awesome couple...so in love....and that we are lucky to have each other. I hate to complain, because 70-80% of the time, things are fabulous....and then a bit of stress comes our way or a difference in opinion, and it all goes south. I go through stretches of "walking on eggshells" and avoiding him in order to keep things peaceful. He is a Type A personality and is anything but lazy and disorganized, yet he has some extremely strong behaviors that lead me to believe that ADHD may be the main culprit: 

    • Quick temper - Overreacts and is quick to criticize every little thing I do. Easily turns into "rages", breaks/hits things (but never me)
    • Very critical of others, easily annoyed. However, he puts on a "face" and people think he's great, while he critcizes behind their back
    • Was on Ritalin as a child; was always in trouble growing up
    • Pot user - Uses it moderately on a weekly (I believe) basis. I really have a hard time telling he's using. I believe he is self medicating to slow his mind down. He claims that he started being "less of an asshole" when he started smoking it when he was 20 (he's now 38)
    • Mind races - never stops. He has told me this many times.
    • Always on-the-go - tons of energy, can't "do nothing" or just relax> No one can keep up with him. 

    The biggest issue of all of these is his critical nature/temper. It's unbearable. I find myself agreeing with him just to keep the peace. He is extremely opinionated (it's black or white...never gray), and if he is in any way challenged, he just won't let it go (mainly with me and his close friends). If something goes wrong, he generally finds a way to point a finger at me. Rather than trying to solve the problem or take reasonability for his part, he twists everything to be my fault. He has zero tolerance for anything outside of his realm of thinking or for any type of "failure". Yet, if he makes a mistake, it's a different story. He comes across as very condescending....which really pisses me off. I am so careful not to "damage" his ego by putting him down (even when he messes up), yet he does it to me over trivial things.

    When things are good, though, I can do no wrong. I am amazing and he can't tell me enough how much he love and appreciates me.

    When I first met him, he was smoking pot quite a bit (yet, still very productive, good job, etc.). I couldn't even tell he was a little high/buzzed. He actually had to tell me that it was something he did. I was not okay with that and he promised to quit. Now, four years later, he has cut back significantly, but has never full quit for more than a month or two. It still bothers me that he does it (behind my back), but I've learned to more or less let it go. Plus, he is so much easier to get along with when he "self medicates". The problem is, it's roller coaster ride. He can't be high all the time. So, when he goes without, I suspect the withdrawal brings his Type A and ADHD tendencies to the surface. I also know he feel guilty and shameful that he hasn't/can't quit and than he also can't quit cigarettes. Sometimes I think his critical nature is a way of projecting his shame on others.

    I know I am not a perfect person or wife. I don't want to blame everything on him. Marital issues are a two-way street. However, I highly suspect that there is something bigger going on here. The ADHD seems to make a bit of sense of his behavior. The blaming, finger-pointing, and overreacting to every little "issue" is just not normal. It weights heavily on my state-of-mind (depressing) and my self-confidnence. Is it an anger management issue? Or, is the anger part of the ADHD?

     

  • Seems like I might be in the right place by: Jaded 11 years 11 months ago

    How can you tell if you're properly dosed, or is perhaps the medication isn't working as hoped?

  • Emotional Affairs... by: Pbartender 11 years 11 months ago

    I don't have time for the long post I want to write, but...

    What do you guys know about emotional affairs?  Anyone here have an experience with them? 

     

    Pb.

  • Feeling hopeless, stressed and angry by: CallyP 11 years 11 months ago

    I'm new to posting here, although I was lucky to find this site almost a year ago. I guess I'm finally getting the courage to share my feelings and experience. I see I'm not alone in this. My husband has what I believe to be undiagnosed ADHD. He exhibits all of the symptoms and so many posts that I have read look like something that I would have posted myself, almost verbatim. I've been married for 6 years now and we have a beautiful little girl who is now 4.  We dated for 8 years before getting married and everything was perfect. We never argued. Shortly after we had a child, something changed. It's like he detached himself. I gave up my career about three years ago to be a SAHM because I had very little support from hubby around the home and with caring for our daughter, especially when she would get sick (daycare). I worked over an hour away and long days. He is a very loving father and husband, but he just doesn't seem to get it. He doesn't know his "role" (it always seems like he's acting, not really understanding). I have to spell everything out for him and when he still doesn't get it, I'm sending him mixed signals.  It is impossible to approach him with anything that's not praise of him and he never takes any responsibility for his actions. He is always on the defensive. I have tried several approaches to try to get him to see a therapist or something to make sense of things, but he gets so angry upon mention of it. This is the person who used to joke about "for sure i would have been diagnosed with ADHD as a child, if they knew about it back then". I've  given him books to read (Orlov's and Hallowell's...to mention a few) and they wind up either going missing or buried somewhere in the trunk of his car. He is in total denial and is one of those individuals who feels that he is overly gifted and is just happy-go-lucky with life.  He thinks that he knows everything without researching it or reading about it, just because others know about it. When you try to explain things to him, he talks over you and challenges everything. I discovered our daughter has a nut allergy and he has yet to read the books I've purchased or look it up online. He doesn't even read labels before giving her unknown foods and understanding how to correctly use an epipen....forget about it. He thinks because I know he knows. He once administered an inhaling solution (for asthma) to be used with a nebulizer machine ORALLY to our daughter when she was 7 months old because he didn't bother to read the prescription leaflet or just look at the pharmacy label! All of this after I told him do not even bother to fill the prescription because I knew he would not read the instructions thoroughly. I spoke with both, the doctor and the pharmacist (I panicked) and they both said they asked him if he knew how to administer the meds, he replied " yes...my wife knows". I had no idea what a nebulizer was, nor did we have one! Somehow in his mind, this was my fault because "he was under the impression that the medicine was like another one she had in the past". Thank goodness nothing happened, it was just considered a concentrated dose. But I guess that's what I get for expecting him to follow instructions (take her to the Dr. and then go straight home to meet up with my mom....do not fill the Rx). How can I depend on him to co-parent when I am the only one looking out for our child's safety. I'm the only one trying to educate myself on how to better raise a child and he just wings it and hopes it all turns out okay. I am always angry and frustrated. I try to be happy, but there's always something that triggers my frustration with him to the point where I am now losing sleep and almost hostile, at times, which I don't like because that impacts the entire family. I hate to yell at my daughter, because I'm angry with him.  I do all of the work around the house and maintain any business affairs, he just goes to work and comes home. He's convinced himself that the company he works for will crumble and fall, if it wasn't for him. No one else seems to see the dysfunction that I am all too familiar with. He's become "addicted" to work. He works Mon - Sat and will work all day, only to get off and hop in a car to drive hours to a job site to work overnight. He never takes time off, not during the summer, or if he is sick, if I'm sick, to give me a break, nothing. But, he'll come in in the evening and want to take a 4 year old out for ice cream at 8pm!?  Then he complains that she should go to bed earlier. Everything is my fault. We went on our first family vacation this past spring and it would have been a nightmare if I didn't have the foresight to invite my mom along for help and start packing a month in advance. He basically works up until the night before, packs his stuff the day of and we're off. He has nothing else to do to prepare, but then in the morning he's grabbing bags and loading the car, in a hurry, without making sure that its okay to do so. I'm trying to take a shower,feed my daughter breakfast, make sure we have everything and lock up the house, while he stands outside looking at what the neighbors are doing.  His left hand is an IPad and his right is a laptop. The TV and video games are always going. When he is home, he creates this weird energy that creates anxiety and is now affecting our daughter. I'm beginning to wonder if she too may possibly have something going on, but it seems like she feeds off of his energy, for the most part. The two of them together on the weekend is a recipe for disaster. When he's not around or out of town, it's so peaceful. I wish I could just go away or send him away for a while, just to be able to think clearly. At this point, he is just a paycheck. He doesn't appear to care, won't go to the doctor, hasn't seen a dentist in over a decade (yuck), constantly forgets or loses things, half does or messes up things,etc. But goodness forbid if I say "hey you forgot to close the freezer or the garage door", he then resents my existence and the fact that I called him out is cause for argument. There's no support (emotional or otherwise),no intimacy, no communication, no apologies or acceptance of fault and no help with our child or around the house. He's clueless to how his actions have affected us and is quick to tell me that I like to be miserable. He's found it easier to blame my anger and frustration on everything from baby blues, post-partum depression, cabin fever to bipolar disorder, but won't accept his role in any of it. I don't want to just walk away and break up our home, but I don't know what else to do. I can't force him to go get help and me going for help is not going to fix his issues.  I feel like I need therapy after dealing with him, if i don't get some form of help things will just continue to get worse, which frightens me, being that I am the one primarily responsible for our daughter. Thank you for letting me get this off of my heart. I believe that the guilt and shame that I have held in all this time has become toxic and is turning me into someone that I don't want to be. It's been eating away at me to the point where I have almost lost myself completely and have lost so much  of the valuable time that I should be cherishing with my little one. It's time for a change. 

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