A brief story. My husband just moved here from another country. We have been together a total of almost 3 years. I feel he is missing his country, his family, his son and friends. However, we have always had a problem in solving the problems we have. It started with infedility on his part, which he admitted to me when we were in a long distance relationship. I always felt that i couldnt trust him. But now that he is with me, with still have the same problems. He does not communicate, he can go all day and not call me nor wanting to communicate until he gets home. Even at home, he is too tired, he eats, does his thing on the computer, watches the news and off to bed. He is not the person that shows his feelings nor his emotions or what bothers him. He has lost weight being here and I believe is because of his depression starting a new life. The mother of his child, well, she pressure him to send him money for this and that and is something that doesnt come easily because he doesnt have a good job yet. The mother of his child, through the facebook of her child, which my husband, my daughter and me are friends with, she post pictures of them two when they had their child, then, she post pictures of her and her boyfriend. then, at times, she would be contacting me via facebook chat, being disrespectful pretending to be his son. I brought all this things up to him, but he gets mad when i talk about it and shuts down and then we stop talking for days. We have a bad habit that when we get upset, mainly him with me, we dont talk for days. this happened even when we lived apart for a couple of years. I have spoken to her on many occasions and I honestly feel that she hates him but at the same token, she feels something for him. She has a relationship with another guy, but yet 10 months ago, she called him while he lived in his country to ask him to come over her house around 5 am. I don't understand all this. I told him to limit and makes his talks with her brief so that he wont feed into whatever feelings she has that in her mind, she feels he feeds. But at the same time, I think he gives her that time to talk to her about her things. I get upset at times, because he doesnt give me the time i deserve. We have sex at least once a week and that is, if i get lucky because he is tired or something else. He says he loves but yet, doesnt feed this relationship but i see him feeding the other one that is only the mother of his child. Gosh, there is so many issues here and truly dont know where to start. The main issues are no communication to limited communication, i dont feel loved, he barely gives me a peck in the morning when he goes to work, there is no romance, he doesnt touches me, i feel that he doesnt desires me, he doesnt do anything for me, but yet, when i bring up something or say something wrong that he doesnt like, the war insues and here we go, we dont talk for days. This happens every week. I know he is tired as much as i am tired of this relationship being this way. He promises things but never complies. His anger is way out of hand and he shuts down and thats d end of everything. Then, days goes by, upset, sad and then, he starts talking to me, talks about what happened briefly and then wants us to put it asid and move on, like if it didnt happened. i dont know what to do. I am too old to go through this relationship, i am too old to ask someone, hey can you hug me, be at least a little bit romantic, a little bit nasty with me, could u kiss me passionatently, or do you desire me? please please hellp. I dont know what to do....
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- RELATIONSHIP GOING WRONG by: latingirl 12 years 3 days ago
- My own denial and coping I have done too long by: jennalemon 12 years 4 days ago
Imagine being made to feel crazy for over 30 years. Imagine being angry and resentful and blaming yourself and being ashamed and guilty because you are angry and confused. Imagine you are a person who MUST feel love inside yourself or go nuts! Imagine you spread your love around your kids, your home, your neighborhood, your work and your husband. Imagine doing it over and over and over. Imagine your husband of over 30 years says to you, "What did you EVER do for me? and looks at you like he could kill you when you point out to him that he needs to step up his contribution to home life? Imagine being promised, then dismissed over and over. Imagine that one day you wake up and don't know if ANYTHING you know or believe or perceive is right or wrong because the way you have approached your marriage has so totally NOT worked out and you have been living on hope and faith and trust in yourself to MAKE things work out? Imagine that you realize you have been a fool and have been sold a bill of goods that was never there. My DH is a SALESMAN to the core. I realize now that every word he has said to me has been to manipulate and tiptoe his way around doing the least he can get away with...that it has been more important to him to WIN at the private games he is playing in his head than to be a respectful part of a family team. I realize that it is his way of feeling in control of himself because he is not able to plan, prioritize, organize, share, play on a team or commit. He can only WIN the moment's argument. He is proud of his "imp-hood" as though it makes him feel young and zippy. I had been bestowing on him the attributes of someone I wanted him to be in hopes that my positive thinking, work and support would make him be the person I wanted him to be. I look at him and think, "Why do you NOT want love in your life? What is filling your insides up that you are willing to be so empty of emotion and feeling?" How can you smile impishly while we are doing so poorly? Why does it feel like you are "acting" rather than being here in the present? What am I dealing with? I can only guess that he had ADD all his life and he MUST put coping methods of distraction, machismo, over-rationalization to the point of being unrealistic, "I don't care" attitude, and all the coping skills people use to cope. Our lives are out of control financially and emotionally. I have also been coping immaturely - hoping against hope that things are different than they really are. But, is that what life is....finding ways to cope in the struggle of life? I would just like to be coping WITH someone rather than feeling like he is coping AGAINST me. It is the loneliness that is the most painful. so why am I driving him further away with my demands, my "lines drawn in the sand - boundaries"? I agree with another poster on this site. I would like to have a chance to see how I operate with a different person...would I be the same resentful, angry jumble of nerves? Is it my fault I am not coping better? I feel like I am going crazy and I remember that I once was the most sane, comfortable with myself, likable, fun person I knew. He is probably wondering where I went too. He does not maintain his possessions. I have become someone he does not love because he neglects his things (and me) and lets them (and me) rust (just like all his hoarded, rusty junk) and then moves on to garnering OTHER new things for himself. I am just an old used up work horse to him. When things got difficult, instead of working together with me, he turned his back on me over and over and denied, distracted and did NOTHING! Thanks, I am just journaling to get this out of me and help to accept how much denial I was doing for so long.
- I still don't get it... by: Pbartender 12 years 4 days ago
So, we had that conversation I was planning on... Nothing definite decided yet, except that she wants a divorce ASAP (she wants to file as early as next week), she's planning on moving out (but she hopes to stay until next summer, so she can buy some furniture and save up for a down payment on a townhome or a security deposit for an apartment), and both of us want what's best for the kids.
Speaking of which, she did mention (for the first time, ever) that she's enjoyed watching me get more involved with the kids over the last few months, and how she appreciates the extra housework I've been doing. But then complained about how I don't understand her (how can I, if she never talks to me about anything important?), and the lack of trust, respect, and communication between us (same song, second verse).
Urgh. I digress.
So, she wants to get a divorce, and she wants to move out. However, yesterday evening, she tells me... "I was thinking about Christmas presents for the kids, and about how they're both still kind of sad about the cat dying. I know I've been enjoying not having to clean a litter box, but what if we got a couple of kittens for them for Christmas? I know you took caught all those mice, but I don't like the idea of them coming back next year. It was nice when we had Rascal around to catch them. Oh! We could even do classic thing with boxes with holes in the sides and a big bow on top!"
Wait... What? I was dumbfounded. What's going to happen to these cats when she leaves? Is she going to take them with her? I won't be to afford to take care of them. I don't even really want more pets right now. If she's planning on leaving, why is she so worried about mice coming back next fall?
I just don't get it. Am I missing something here? I think I need to have another talk with her.
Pb.
- Any of you have ADHD as well as your spouse? by: TheSpinIsRooming 12 years 5 days ago
I am diagnosed ADHD. My husband is undiagnosed ADHD. Our daughter, who is now turning 6, is most likely ADHD. My first obstacle is getting them diagnosed. I was fortunate to be diagnosed quite a while back when I was 17. My husband is willing to get the assessment and treatment, but the problem is finding someone who doesn't cost an arm and a leg. We have insurance, but a lot of psychologists don't take insurance; at least not for this. My first goal is to get him on medication, just to stop the bleeding. After that, we can focus on the next step.
Of course, my being ADHD doesn't help. It sometimes feels like the blind leading the blind. Although I've learned how to harness my strengths and compensate for my weaknesses for the most part, and consider myself the "non-ADHD" partner, I do still struggle. Routine and consistency are of utmost importance to me to keep on top of things. But I feel like I'm running around in circles just trying to get the assessment. Anyone else having a difficult time just getting the road to healing started by making contact with the right professional for assessment? And is anyone else living in a fully-ADHD household (yourself included) and going bonkers??
And by the way, is anyone else really annoyed by the fact that the page in the forum when you are writing your content automatically refreshes every 5 seconds with a blue bar rising out of the bottom of the screen, demanding your attention? Just sayin'...
- How many of you have spouses that are being treated? by: Tired of Supervising 12 years 5 days ago
So, there are a lot of posts in this area from a lot of really frustrated people (including me).
It's been only a couple of months since I realized it was probably ADHD that was causing most of our problems. Husband agreed to get evaluated, which he did, and he does have ADHD, and was referred to a psychiatrist for meds and/or counseling. The psych appointment is not for another month. Then of course there will be an adjustment period to meds and a learning period from counseling. So it will be awhile before we can expect any results. But, my husband is cooperative even though he doesn't fully comprehend how much of a problem this is for our relationship.
Knowing that there is hope for the future is my lifeline. If my husband were refusing treatment I would be divorcing him. For now, I'm still frustrated with everything but I'm trying to be more understanding and I'm hanging in there in hopes of a better future. I was ECSTATIC when I figured out the problem was ADHD, because there's treatment for that! (It's hard to treat inherent ass-holiness)
My question: Of those of you who are having serious problems with an ADHD spouse, how many of them are in treatment? Are any of your spouses doing all they can with meds and counseling and it's still bad? Or is it mostly the untreated ones that are the most problematic?
- At my wit's end.... Please advise by: purple_penguin 12 years 5 days ago
Background: I've been with my ADD partner for about 18 months. We've lived together since day one as we were housemates before we were a couple. He hasn't been formally diagnose with ADD although he has finally made an appointment with a doctor and is waiting for a referral - I don't think either of us is in any doubt that he does have ADD.
I went back to uni in October which meant us moving to another city, him changing jobs and him paying ALL the rent and household bills so that I can study. I cannot begin to explain how grateful I am to him for this, and I understand what an enormous and generous commitment this is on his part. For my part, I try to keep on top of all the household chores so that he doesn't have to think about that (although, when I was paying 50% rent/bills when I was working, I also did all the household chores then....)
The problem is, I feel utterly alone in our relationship and he feels like a stranger to me these days. We have a fairly tempestuous relationship at the best of times but at the moment, he is finding work very stressful and I am finding uni very stressful so things seem to have reached a breaking point for me.
I am trying SO hard to understand what it is like having ADD - I'm even focusing my assignment for my Neuroscience unit on it. I've read countless articles and posts on this forum to try to be a more understanding girlfriend, but it doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere.
What I can't accept is that he has made no endeavours to either 1) find out some coping strategies for his ADD, or 2) find out what it's like not having ADD!!
He doesn't seem to understand that life is pretty stressful at times for us non-ADDers - I don't always feel like I have the energy/motivation/coping skills to keep on top of the mountain of uni work and household chores. But I do.
If I ever have a problem that's worrying me, I try to talk to him about it, but he just won't see things from my point of view. I just don't know how to talk to him anymore. He gets defensive so quickly and ultimately blames me for EVERYTHING. It seems that apologising would kill him.
I realise this post is a bit of a rant, so to make it a bit more concise....
Will he ever be able to show me emotional support? The financial support is kind and generous and hugely appreciated, but I feel that it's the easiest type of support for him to offer. Can I ever rely on him to pick up the pieces when I can't cope anymore?
Sorry for the long post; any replies would be very gratefully received.
- It's not just the ADHD by: lynninny 12 years 6 days ago
J.D.: "Well, if you don't mind me sayin so, he sounds like a real asshole."
THELMA: "It's okay. He is an asshole. Most of the time I just let it slide."So, the time has come. After a long, painful, dysfunctional relationship with my spouse of 12 years, I realized clearly and calmly that a) his ADHD has significantly affected his life and our relationship and he will not treat it or accept responsibility for it, even though he is going to lose his family b) he has something else going on besides ADHD, including anger management issues, a defensiveness that is almost pathological, he is a master of manipulation, has a violent temper, exhibits emotional and verbally abusive behavior, and has what appears to be a narcissistic personality disorder c) I am so very deeply miserable down to my soul that I have lost myself and I am not the mother or person I could be if I were not with him, and I have been hiding this from EVERYONE except on these boards and d) I am not interested in living like this or wasting one more moment of my life. When I say abusive behavior, I mean saying such gems as tearing up a gift I had just hand made for him, and when angry, telling me "I hope you die of breast cancer" and in a rage, threatening to come to my workplace and embarrass me, and making fun of and criticizing some hobby I had taken up with my friends, telling me that I was selfish and that he didn't understand me wanting to go to the movies by myself, leaving mean, nasty messages on my voicemail, calling me names (bad ones), swearing at me at a rest stop in front of people (including our children). I recently took a quiz, "Are you in an abusive relationship?" and scored 14 out of 20 affirmative. It is not just ADHD. He is an asshole.
Seriously, though, I write this for all of us co-dependent folks out there. I just couldn't accept it--always coming back for an outcome that would be different, agonizing in fresh pain when the same thing would happen, over and over again. And then one morning, I just woke up. The only thing I regret is that I am a smart person who is pretty successful in all other areas of my life and that I put up with this ridiculous crap and acted like a kleenex, for waaay too long. I seemed to get the brunt of it: although he has always had a persecution complex with others, he is usually nice as pie and charming to most people but horrible to me (which is a sign, I have learned, of an abusive person). My kids, fortunately, are pretty great and I continue to hope that they haven't been too adversely affected by this, as I have them in counseling and feel like I have been like a single parent for years, anyway. I like my job and am good at it. And I am happy that I am walking into an attorney's office tomorrow at 1 p.m., and filing for the fastest, easiest, most final way I can amputate this person from my life. I will be poor, but I will be free. I feel like a 10,000 pound weight has been lifted off my back.
I spent so much time trying to understand ADHD, and feeling so wounded and alone when he wouldn't try to understand me or himself any better so that we may work on our relationship, and wondering what had happened after that initial first two years. That he wouldn't "see" what his behavior was like. He kept telling me that if I would "just be nice," everything would be fine. I spent YEARS like this.
Best of luck to everyone and thank you for all of your thoughtful words, time, and advice. I will continue to visit the site to see how everyone is doing and to remind myself of the way I was allowing myself to live. This is not a condemnation at all of those with ADHD--I am so impressed by anyone who has acknowledged that they have any kind of issue that is affecting their life, and takes steps to address it. I just didn't happen to be married to someone who was equipped to do so. Peace out.
- New to this site, new to my marriage to ADHD hubby, need advice... by: olive12 12 years 6 days ago
Just a quick background, my husband and I have been together for 3 years, married for 5 months. He was diagnosed with ADHD as a teen and he’s aware he has it. I’ve never educated myself on the disorder and since have dismissed it because I figure we all have our issues. We used to get along very well. In the beginning of our relationship it was my commitment issues and me taking things personally that put a strain on us, he was always more nurturing and patient than me, which is part of the reason why I love him.
Now, I know I’m not the most intelligent person; I’m too sarcastic, controlling and judgmental. But I believe I have a good heart and it’s full of sympathy and compassion for all beings. I’m not a touchy-feely person, but I like holding hands and being loved. At this point I don’t feel like myself anymore. I don’t want to upset him when I am myself, and that seems to be the case.
I love my husband, but I cannot seem to make him happy. He tells me I’m not funny, even though I used to make him laugh. His friends could make the same jokes I do with him and he tells me I’m a mean person, but he’ll laugh with them. He tells me I like to argue, I never take responsibility, I don’t speak to him like an adult, I’m crazy, a lunatic, I have OCD, etc. etc. etc. He says I’m cold to him, when the truth is all I want is to feel intimate with him again. We only have sex every two months and it’s because I initiate it, only in the afternoons because otherwise he’s too tired. He plays video games for 10-12 hours on his day off. We never go out. Maybe I do unconsciously act cold because I’m getting resentful for never being loved or thanked. Granted, he’s got a ton of pressure on his shoulders from work and does not get paid accordingly. He works an average of 80 hours a week which for any couple would be a strain on a relationship. We just married less than 6 months ago and we have never been so disconnected. I feel like he hates me and I’m just waiting for the day he cheats and then blames it on me. He gets mad at me for the littlest things I say or do, and then insists that I’m a bitch and just want to argue with him or I don’t even want him around. He makes me feel so guilty. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes. Every time we fight and I finally say, “Ok, it’s my fault,” he gets even more mad! He’ll go on and on for 20 minutes in detail about how wrong I am and then when it’s my turn to talk he tells me I’m cutting him off, I just don’t get it or I’m crazy; a bitch. And holy s**t, if I cry? If I cry, he looks like his head will explode with anger!!! I read that some men take tears as a manipulative ploy, so I try not to cry.
I admit to feeling resentment because I do all of the housework and laundry. I don’t think he’s taken out the garbage for over a year. He did one load of his own laundry for the first time ever and bragged to me about it. I don’t want to be his mother; I want to be his wife! His partner and friend! Is that too much to ask? He’s made me believe that this is my entire fault and if I only treated him nicer that we would be absolutely fine. I’m so frustrated and I know he is too. This morning he told me he’s reached his breaking point with his job and me. He said he feels nothing and doesn’t want to come home to me tonight. I haven’t heard from him all day and we usually speak at least once a day.
After finding this website, I’ve realized that everything you ladies are going through, I am going through as well. It’s very “textbook,” from what I've read so far. I hope that this is the beginning of us mending the relationship, I’m so sad it’s broken. I can’t believe it’s gone this far. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to make him mad. I just want things to be the way they were. Oh, and of course, I feel like this is all my fault. - Is it the tuna or is it me? by: sweet_monster 12 years 6 days ago
A short frustrating story about tuna and wine....that did nothing but piss us both off within 5 minutes for the rest of the night....
I replied under another forum topic "Permission to enter his space"
- Permission to enter His Space by: Melomom 12 years 1 week ago
I continue to mourn the fact that I have to ask permission to enter my husbands space. Why can't I just turn to my husband while we're sitting on the couch, and ask a normal, every day question, get an answer, then move on? ("Honey, can you please get out the nail gun and air compressor for me so I can put the lattice up on the back fence?" Issue #1: I can't find anything in his garage mess, issue #2: He will never actually do this chore for us, so I have to do it.) Why does it have to be this incredibly hard dance that involves asking him "Is this a good time to talk?" Trying to figure out if he's rested enough to carry on a conversation. Asking him to disengage from the computer, the TV, the cell phone, AND the tablet, that are all spread around him, long enough to listen to me.
This evening when I asked him that question, I didn't go through the dance. I knew better, but I simply asked him the question, and started to realize my mistake as he started to answer me while looking at his computer and was typing while answering me. I knew right then, that I had made the error. But why is it MY error? Why can't it be partly his fault for not treating his ADD adequately enough to save our marriage? Why can't it be his fault for realizing that I wanted to ask him something quick and simple, and STOP with the electronics long enough to answer me? Why can't he, why can't he, why can't he? Because he can't/won't right now. That's it. I have to stick to my boundaries. I have to stick to this incredibly complicated way of life regarding interacting with my own husband. I have to stick to all I have learned about how the ADD brain works, and how my own therapy has taught me to hold my boundaries. I have to keep reminding him that the lying, disrespect, distraction, speeding tickets, disorganization/messes, financial problems are only going to last so long, before I've had enough, and I say goodbye.
I mourn the fact that I had to significantly lower my bar when it comes to cleanliness, organization, etc. I mourn that I conceded to let everything he does be "good enough". I mourn that I can never, ever, have a spontaneous, "normal" conversation with my husband. I mourn that every single interaction we have is layered so deeply that I feel like I'm going crazy. I mourn that I had to thank a grown man for doing chores around his own house. I mourn that he is on so many pain meds and anti-anxiety meds and sleep aids and alcohol that we can't have sex any more. I mourn that he has so little motivation to do anything, that I don't feel like he's part of this family any more.
Permission to enter his life, his space, his Heart? I guess I've been denied because there's no room. I have never hated anything more in my life than his ADD, and the blindfold it has put on him.